IAmA woman who was molested for 5 years straight between the ages of 11-16. I put my abuser in jail when I was 25 (2 years ago) because of 657 charges I brought against him. AMA!

My Victim's Impact Statement:

Growing up, I watched my friends lead normal lives and be happy, care-free children while I hid behind a wall of shame, guilt and fear. To this day, there is never any freedom for what this man has done to me. A lot of the time I am a shell of a person. I must concentrate so hard and muster up every shred of what’s left of my confidence to live in the world that he has created for me. If not, his face manages to creep up and take over the faces of the people I love. All these years, I have flashbacks when my significant other made love to me because he invaded my thoughts, even at those most precious of times. It has affected every interpersonal relationship I’ve ever had. I had to always be wary on what a man’s intentions were. I was so afraid of being abused that, in the past, I have settled for far less than what I deserved when it came to my love life. I thought so little of myself that I decided I didn’t deserve any better. I still do at times.

I resented a lot of people while I was growing up. Every adult close to me was sort of the enemy. I expected them to help me and though I had never said a word, I had hoped with all my heart that someone would read into my eyes and stop the awful things he was doing to me. I was always afraid to have friends sleep over, for fear that they would be abused as well. I lost a lot of friends as a child because of it. They spread rumors that I didn’t have a house, or that I had lice, or that I was dirty because I would give them crazy excuses so no one would even want to stay at my house. It was a price I willingly paid.

I have nothing to gain here today other than freedom to try and live my life, knowing he cannot hurt me or someone else the way he hurt me. I first saw him again on Facebook. I saw all the little girls he had on his friends list from his area, my area, and I just snapped. I couldn’t live with it any more knowing that he still had the potential to be a dangerous predator. I can make you pay for what you did to me today in court, but more importantly, I am here for all of the possible future victims who you might have found. If I have saved just one child from this, it was all worth it.

I might be able to walk down the street without the fear that he may be lurking somewhere in the shadows, and maybe someday the nightmares will turn into dreams and the fears will turn into comfort. No punishment will truly make it all go away until the day I visit his grave, knowing that he truly could never again harm another innocent child. That is the day I live for. I hope that day happens while he’s in jail. That is my goal here today. Knowing he was in jail until the day he died would be the biggest comfort that I could ask for.

A friend of mine knew years ago that this was happening to me by her own intuitions and my behaviors. I always denied it. She tried to get me to tell but I never did. I couldn’t tell anyone. My reasoning was, why hurt more people with this news? If it was only hurting me, I could deal with it. It would have destroyed my mother and there was no way I could do that. Now, since she’s passed I cannot remain silent any longer. I very often blame myself for others that he may have hurt in the years that I remained silent. I always think that if I would have said something years ago, maybe I could have spared them. Coming here after all these years was devastating for me. I had used the biggest shovels and the strongest dozers to bury all the haunting and degrading feelings that he had created in me. I had to bring them all forward again to remember, to relive and, most of all, to re-suffer.

After 12 years, he managed to do it to me again. Seeing his face in the court brought back a bigger fear than when I was a child. The knowledge that I was now trying to hurt him by telling the truth just about had me walking away because, unlike him, it is not in my nature to hurt someone else. Watching him enter the court, he looked like the monster from my past, waiting to pounce on me at any opportunity. And the question that still remains unanswered and probably will always be is why? Why me? Why won’t he admit to everything he’s done to me? Why is it okay to blame it on being a drunk? Why? I was only a little girl. That one word makes me cry because it makes me think of you and I want nothing more than to forget it ever happened.

I feel so much pity for you, LD. I have a much different view of pedophilia than most. I understand it is an attraction that you can’t help. I think it’s incredibly disgusting, but I understand it. It was the way that you dealt with that attraction that sickens me the most. You had the option to get help. You had the option to NOT do those things to an innocent child. You had the power to teach me love instead of hate. You had the power to learn who I was instead of turning me into someone with no reason of being. You abused that power. You used that power to degrade and brutalize me in the worst ways that I could ever imagine.

I was a child full of love and you stole that from me and turned it into fear. You took something of no value to you but was the very basis of my being. You destroyed it with no regards of consequences to me then or later in life. You took it, though you couldn’t see it yourself. That shows your selfishness and egotism more than anything else. I was too young to protect it and now I cannot find it anymore.

That is what you did when you stole my pride. I know deep down inside of me what kind of person I really am, but who can I trust with such sensitivity after what you did to me? There are no words to truly reflect the pain, the fears and the lifelong scars that you have put me through. If anyone here doubts that they are real, try walking in my shoes for just one day and maybe then you’ll understand better.

I often wonder how far I would have gotten in my life if you had let me grow up normally. I have become overweight, lazy, and unmotivated. I constantly wonder where the drive I had as a child went. I had such dreams, such ambitions. Maybe I would have become a famous lawyer or a well-known doctor. Instead I remain only a glimmer of the person I could have been and all because of the hate and fear of people and the depression and anxiety that you put inside of my heart and in my mind.

Why would a nobody like me even try to be a somebody? You took away my future by killing my childhood. Is there a price attached to someone’s future? The price of my future life is now the price of yours. You will pay for my life with yours, in jail. The life I have is only a shadow of what it could have been. My fear, anxiety, and depression has stopped me from getting anywhere in my life. My fear of discussing it has stopped me from being free. Hopefully that can change now. That’s all I can hope for. Now maybe I can dictate my own life instead of you. You no longer have power over me. I will continue to try to work through this my entire life and maybe, just maybe, someday I will overcome this and be the person I was meant to be.

EDIT: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger! While I do appreciate it, please, everyone, donate to your local woman's shelter or victim help groups!

As a victim, it never fully goes away even after his dead. It's worse when you have a daughter of your own and you can't trust anybody. Not even your husband. It jades you from everything and it truly sucks. I'm sorry this has happened to you and I truly feel your pain (9-13 years old I was). I pray that he lives with this guilt every aingle day. I was two months into my trial and he shot himself in the head. Coward! I resented not being able to tell the world how evil he truly was. I was not his first victim but I was his last and for that I'm grateful. I understand the insecurities and being with people who don't deserve you. I never knew what love was until I had a child. I still think about it to this day and it affects my intimacy with my husband. He says he understands but one can't truly fathom what you went through unless you had the same thing happened. I'm happy you were brave enough to prosecute. I'm sure you saved many girls from the same horrible fate. Good luck and God bless.

You know, that's the whole reason I went to the cops.

I was on facebook, and I was friends with his son on there. I was curious, so I was trying to see if he had one. Facebook doesn't allow convicted sex offenders, and he was one, so it was worth a shot. Chip (his son) had some odd name listed as his father. He was using a fake name for facebook. He had lots of young girls on his facebook from right around his area. I just lost it. I think I could've lived in ignorance, thinking he wasn't doing that anymore. I saw "proof" staring me in the face and couldn't hold it in anymore. Knowing that I could put him away and I wasn't, and he was still out hurting young girls was too much for my mind to bear.

I found out he actually molested at least two young girls (age 6 and 9) when I came forward, because they came forward as well. The DA left it up to me if I wanted to take the plea deal. If I did, he only got two charges and 6-13 years. If I didn't and we went to trial, I may lose because of lack of evidence, and those two young girls would have to testify. I couldn't do that to them. I was 25 and barely handling everything. I couldn't imagine being that young and trying to process what was going on.

Therapy helped me immensely. I was medicated for a while, but don't need it anymore. I'll have flashbacks still maybe once every few months, but it's not bad anymore at all. My therapist taught me how to "live in the moment" instead of thinking back. I find it helps if I open my eyes and actually look at who I'm with and what he's doing. I used to close my eyes and that gave my mind time to wander.

I hope you can get to a place that you are comfortable with your partner and your body. It's worth.

Thank you! I'm glad you sought therapy. I never did and always thought about it. I'm glad to hear you're in a better place. It pisses me off to hear he hurt those girls. I hope he gets beat up everyday in jail for the remainder of his time. Enough to have lasting psychological effects that way he can at least know what it feels like to be a victim.

You're welcome! Please get therapy if you can! It helped me so, so much! I don't think I could get through it if I didn't go to one.

Actually, I got to speak with one of the guards at the prison that was there when he got processed (completely unrelated how I ran into that guy). He said that he requested protective custody as soon as he stepped in the door. That means he'll be in solitary confinement for his entire stay. He won't get hurt, but hopefully he'll at least lose his mind.

I understand the insecurities and being with people who don't deserve you.

Would you mind explaining this comment further? Are you alluding to abuse victims viewing themselves as unworthy of love?

I'm not her, but yes. Very much so. You feel ashamed and unworthy of a real relationship. You feel used and unwanted. You feel like, "how could anyone want damaged goods?" It's a lot to handle, really. Being with someone who was once abused is not having a normal sex life with someone you love. The victim will not want sex at times because she/he feels dirty, or they want it constantly due to hypersexualisation, and wanting to prove their worth.

It's really complicated and difficult to move past and build on a healthy relationship.

Wow. I feel sincere admiration for your courage to address your abuse and assert yourself in the manner that you have. Did any other victims come forward and how did your relatives react when you finally shared your ordeal with them? Finally, peace be with you as you become the person you were meant to be.

Thank you for your kind words. :)

Yes, two young girls aged 6 and 9 came forward when I did. They were the granddaughters of the woman he was dating.

My family was mostly pissed off at me that I didn't tell them when it was going on. They felt that I didn't trust them. Then, they were very supportive through the whole thing.

Enjoy the rest of your life with your two beautiful daughter and a peace of mind. I wish you the best. You deserve it.

Thank you. :)

Did you ever experience sleep paralysis? I was beaten and repeatedly sexually assaulted at a sleepaway summer camp when I was 12. I started getting horrible horrible sleep paralysis when I was 16 or so. Most women I talk to have night terrors, and although my trauma counselor says some women have sleep paralysis too/instead, sometimes I think I'm the only one.

I'm sorry that happened to you. No, I always have slept like a log! When I first went to the cops and was going through everything, I had horrible nightmares where I would wake up screaming. Scared the bejesus out of my SO!

Yeah, I scream at the end of the paralytic episode, especially if I am hallucinating, trying to get someone to wake me up and break the paralysis. (It will always dissipate on its own, but if my brain knows someone else is there it will try to go the faster route). It used to scare the shit out of my husband. Now he's mostly worried I'll wake up our 3 year old in the next room (hasn't happened yet, he's a good sleeper, and the paralysis includes my vocal chords so I don't get very loud). The sleep paralysis has gotten much better over the years and doesn't happen often now. Thank god.

Has the trauma ever affected your kids, directly or indirectly?

I don't think so. They knew I was crying a lot and kind of unavailable while I was going through the court process. I made it up to them, but I know it probably sucked for me to be in my room instead of playing with them.

I'm just now going through the recovery process (I waited two decades), and due to mostly unrelated issues I've been fighting a depressive episode for a few months. It's never just the trauma that gets in the way, but it does sometimes contribute to me being irritable, and it does sometimes mean that we watch tv together a little more than I'd like.

Yeah, I waited 12 years to put him away. I had a boyfriend pass away, moving 6 times, mother dying in my arms, a failed marriage, and two kids before I ever said anything. It was a lot to deal with at the time.

I hope you find the peace you deserve!

I'm mostly peaceful actually. My brain just decided it was time to starting talking to a therapist about it. I had a bad experience with a guidance counselor and then several horrible experiences with my parents that led me not to talk to authority figures about it, but I could talk about it with peers, including my awesome husband, so that helped.

I'm sorry you had to live with him. I had the luxury of never seeing my assailant again. I had to go back to the same damn place, year after year, but I never saw him again.

I'm happy you're talking to someone and that you're (mostly) at peace now. That's hard to find after something so traumatizing, and I'm very happy you found yours!

I tried doing an AMA on sexual absuse about a year ago and I didn't get much of a response, good on you for making it to this many upvotes. I hope that you didn't have to deal with too much emotional trauma afterwards. I know I did after for a long time and still deal with it, but we have to stick together and make it known to people that this happens every day. To women who don't deserve any less than the best in the world. Good luck in your journey to complete recovery <3

You too! I did one last year that was HUGE! check my post history. :)

Man! I did one forever ago on my first account! Im glad you got such a large response!

I was very lucky!

Could you describe what it felt like to see this scumbag in court? Thanks for doing this AMA, if it gives even 1 victim the courage to speak up then that is a huge win.

You're very welcome! My goal here is to educate and inform and hopefully empower others into coming forward!

I made eye contact with him. Ugh. Worst moment ever. When he first walked into the court room, he scanned it. More than likely looking for me. It was an intimidation tactic, I realized later, and it totally worked. I was on the verge of a panic attack and luckily had my SO there and he told me to focus on him and relax. Take deep breathes. Think about happy things.

When I gave my statement, he didn't flinch. He didn't show remorse, and didn't move. That hurt. I was hoping to get through to him. To make him realize the impact he has on the children he touches. I didn't do a damn thing in that regard.

I was happy to see him sentenced. I wanted so badly for him to be put away for a long time. He deserves more than he got, but I did what I could.

I was a crazy day with a lot of mixed emotions. THEN I had to deal with the newspaper reporter. Ugh! Right after going through that I had to rehash everything for that guy. I mean as soon as I walked out of the courthouse. He could've at least given me time to smoke and calm down! haha

What kind of warning signs should I look for? I have kids and hearing stories like this all the time. I'd hate for something like this to happen to them.

He was always "touchy-feely". Giving lots of hugs, looking for excuses to take me alone on car rides with him, roaming eyes, "accidentally" walking in while you are changing, making sure the bathroom door is unlocked so children will walk in on him, etc.

He was simply a creeper! I try to tell people not to judge by appearances, but also be cautious at the same time.

I took my 7-year old to a local dentist who came highly recommended for children's treatments. The guy hugged my little girl and even kissed her on the cheeks, sat her on his lap while examining her. I was right there, along with another adult (who didn't seem to think it was anything out of the ordinary). It really upset me and I did not schedule any more appointments. Maybe he was just an affectionate dude and I am overreacting. But having read this post, am relieved that I acted the way I did.

A dentist is a scary place for a kid. He may just be trying to make the children feel a little better.

I won't pretend to know anything about child molestors, but it doesn't do anyone any good to always assume the worst either.

It doesn't do anyone any good to ignore any feelings of discomfort or suspicions something isn't right, either. I'll take chances on a lot of things, but not with my kiddos.

That's what I'm saying! I mean, I don't treat everyone as a pedophile. I'm not a crazy lady in the park that's going to call the cops because a single guy is alone in the park. Or even if he talks to my child in plain view. If he tries to touch my child or lure him away, that's different.

Yea, no. That's not cool. Maybe he needs a lesson in appropriate touching? That is not appropriate at all.

Could you elaborate on what behavioral changes to watch out for in the victims?

This probably explains better than I ever could!

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/sexabuse/sexabusec.cfm

shouldn't that many charges be ATLEAST 50 years?

It would've been if I had taken him to trial. I allowed him to plead out so that the two other young girls wouldn't have to testify.

Jesus... of all the things you've said, this is the one that get to me. To think that after all this you opt to go "easy" on him, so to speak, to keep the other two safe... I probably would have sought any way to fuck him over as much as possible... this realization tells me something about myself I'm not sure I particularly like. Kudos to you and hope things keep getting better.

Don't feel bad about yourself at all! It was a very hard decision. Trust me, I wanted to put him away forever, but with there being even a slight chance he could walk away...not worth it. Those two little girls were in the court room that day and were scared shitless. I didn't even know them and I couldn't do it. I'm sure you would've reacted the same way.

Is it possible for the little girls to press their own charges against him when they're older, or does the plea deal dismiss/include those charges?

Yes, if someone else were to come forward, it would be a whole new case. It doesn't matter the deal he has with my case.

I'm from India and we've had some serious cases of gang rape, child rape, public rape etc. in major cities recently that have created a huge public debate on the whole issue of women's rights in this country, which is a good thing. However, the common thread in all these incidents is that not one victim is ever identified by name or face. If she or any member of her family talks to the press, it's under a pseudonym or with faces pixellated out. My personal view -and I may be wrong here- is that the more you do such things the more you acknowledge that there is some "shame" in being raped. In fact there is an op-ed in the leading English language daily today that supports the view that survivors of rape and sexual assault could send a positive message by not shielding their faces and their identities from the public. This point of view of course is accompanied by several disclaimers since it is bound to be controversial and by no means does the author (or me) support a rape survivor being "exposed" against her will.

As a survivor yourself, what are your views on this?

They are two completely different cultures. I opted to show my face and name in the hopes that someone who was abused themselves would contact me and I could help them with their own journey of bringing their abuser to justice and find peace. It's not viewed (at least not completely) as shameful here. It's viewed as courage to come out and help others with your experiences.

I hope that's answered your question. Have a good day!

What advice can you offer for adults (teachers, coaches, family, etc.) in the lives of children who may be experiencing abuse? How can we make ourselves more approachable? Were there any signs you exhibited, that perhaps in retrospect, you feel someone could/should have picked up on?

Simply pay attention. It's actually quite common for an abused child to crave attention from people they shouldn't. Example: Kid gets a good grade on a paper. To thank the teacher, instead of simply saying thank you, the kid wants a hug. It's part of the hypersexualisation.

I'd try to level with them. Even if you suspect abuse, the kids may not say a word. I didn't. I denied it constantly. Some kids keep it quiet and don't understand the full ramifications of everything.

I really wish someone would've told me they know I'm lying. I probably would've broken down and told.

Have you confronted him since putting him away? Would you want to?

I think I'd like to talk to him directly or via letter, just to see if he would show remorse. I haven't directly spoken to him since...I don't even remember. I mean, I addressed him in court, but it's not like I could directly ask him questions and except answers. He didn't seem to show any feeling whatsoever in court.

Do you know anything about psychopaths (sometimes called "sociopaths") or (as far as the DSM goes) "Antisocial Personality Disorder"?

The way you describe him as showing no emotion or remorse might indicate he has that personality disorder since they lack empathy and remorse (they are usually completely void of it entirely).

The reason I'm asking is because it might help put your mind at ease (or make you feel worse? I hope not) since if he is one, there is nothing you can say or do that will make him feel remorseful because he might be incapable of it.

Have you ever seen him show human emotions and did they seem authentic? Has he ever cried, for example?

Yes, I've seen him cry... but only when he was drunk.

Meh. It's over now. It would've been nice for him to show remorse, but at least he's where he can't hurt anymore kids. I just take solace in that and try to let the rest go.

Thanks, though!

Why so many charges, why not just one with a long sentence?

I have no idea. I guess it's just how the law works. They had to charge for every time he did something to me.

So honorable, You are a true hero. Just think of how many girls you've possibly prvented going through what you had to. I truly admire you

Thank you!

How did you prove it in court? Or was it just your word vs his? I got molested as a kid and have often thought about what would happen if I told police. I looked up the guy on facebook and he has pictures of himself with 2 kids on his profile. I dunno if there his kids or what but the thought that he is molesting them makes me sick to my stomach. What is the statute of limitiations?

I didn't have to prove it in court. It never went to trial. I made the accusations, and he didn't fight it. It would've been his vs mine if it did go to trial. The detail of the abuse is what would prove me to have a credible story. I could've very well lost, but he took the deal and didn't take it to trial.

The statute of limitations varies by state. I'm in PA and I had until I was 30 to come forward.

This might seem like an odd thing to say and I'll understand if it's downvoted, but this may well be the best outcome for him, too.

The fact that he didn't fight it, even though he knew that in court it would be his word against yours, could suggest that he was ready to take responsibility and accept the just punishment that his actions deserved.

While it's easy to imagine abusers as monsters, particularly our own abusers, the reality is that deep regret and self-hatred can mark their lives after the abuse too and accepting what he's done may be the best thing for him as well as everyone else.

I just think since he already had a record of molestation that he simply cut his losses and took what he could get.

And I think that situation is a great example of how broken our system can be when it comes to child molesters. They very rarely are every completely rehabilitated, yet we let them out after relatively short sentences, and then they commit the same crimes, and they get relatively short sentences again.

I guess at least he's being punished in some capacity, though.

i agree. But at least this time he'll be a sex offender for life.

How much time did he get?

What did he do to you?

How was he able to get you (was he a family member, family friend, stranger?)

How do you feel now?

He plead out to only two counts. One of rape of a minor and one of deviant sexual assault. He only got 6-13 years.

He did all kinds of things. Mostly oral to me and touching.

He was my stepfather.

I'm great now. For years I felt terrible about myself and dishonest with those around me. He was already a known pedophile from other young girls and I got asked all the time. I just felt ashamed and didn't want to tell anyone when I was younger.

How do you feel about oral now? Will you let a guy do it or does it bring back too many bad memories?

It took me a LONG time to actually get over that aspect of my sex life. It was right after I put him away that I got to therapy about my issues and was able to learn thought blocking techniques and actually have an orgasm from oral stimulation. I faked it up until then.

How do you feel about anal stuff?

haha. Love it! I'm very open sexually and have an amazing sex life.

At first, I'm told it's because children who are molested are hypersexualized. Now, it's because I just love sex! :)

Are you mad that he was able to plead out to two counts?

Do you have any plans for what might happen when he gets released? Like if you saw him on the street, would you confront him? What would you do if he confronted you?

Yes and no. I'm happy the other two girls weren't made to testify while I wish he got more time in jail.

I am registered with a service that will call me and tell me if he ever moves to a different prison, leaves the prison for any reason, or gets released. So I'll know right away when it happens. He will have a permanent restraining order that he is not allowed near me or my family for the remainder of his life. If he comes anywhere near me, I'll be calling the cops.

So he was a known sex offender? Did your mother know this?

And how do you feel about her now?

Thanks for answering all these questions, by the way. I hope this AMA can be a catharsis for you.

He became a sex offender while they were together. He molested a friend of mine.

She's dead. I still find it upsetting that she stayed with him.

I don't know if this is to personal, so feel free to ignore me; but do you think that she knew? Are you able to forgive her for that, or do you think that this is not an issue? And how about all the other people in your family?

I think she knew, and that hurts me more than the abuse itself. I loved my mom so much, and when she died in my arms I was lost for almost a year to drugs and depression.

I just don't know how she didn't know when he would perform oral on me with the hallway light on and the bedroom door open for an hour and she didn't check in or anything. She's gone now, so I will never get closure in that aspect of things.

My friend Lisa got abused as well.

I hope this question didn't tear open to many old wounds...

I also really hope this stuff you are telling is read by people who can take something away from this, who now know that these feelings are normal in a shitty situation like yours. Maybe it can take some of the guilt away... You are very brave for doing this, I really feel like this is a taboo that needs to be adressed.

No, you're fine! I said ask ANYTHING, didn't I? :)

How is it 657? Is that how many times he did it.. or?

It's my own estimate. He worked away during the week and was only home during the weekends. I said he touched my breast at least once every weekend, made me touch him every other, did oral on me a few times, etc. They charged my estimate, assuming (correctly) he would plead out anyway.

I think we must be twins. You have pretty much described my life story. The only difference is that my stepfather was never convicted due to lack of evidence. I was abused from the age of 5 ( possibly earlier), until I was 12. Welfare took me away from home, but because it took nearly 2 years to get to court, I forgot a lot of the dates that stuff had happened ( even though it was almost every single day). My mum stayed with him and only left him 10 years later when he had an affair. This is something I will hold against my mum for the rest of my life, even though I do love her. I still see him every now and then as he is the father of my half brother and sister. I have spent my entire life terrified of this man. I was 12 when I was taken away from home, I'm 28 now. I'm depressed, unmotivated, slightly overweight and I'm still terrified that he will come after me. I'm scared of the dark, I regularly have terrifying nightmares about him, and I constantly live in fear he will somehow manage to hurt my son. My partner works away for weeks at a time. While he's away I sleep with all the lights on in my house, every door and window locked and covered up, and a knife under my pillow. This monster destroyed my entire life, and I will never get over it. I have been through years of counselling and it had had no effect. I will fear this man until the day I die. I never told anyone what he was doing to me because I was too scared. He threatened to hurt my mum if I told and in my head, if he was busy messing with me, then he wouldn't hurt my brother or sister, I was trying to protect them. Thank you so much for posting this AMA, its made me realise that there is someone in this world who knows how I feel.

Yes, I know exactly how you feel. I hope you find peace.

How did the fact that you were molested afected your social life and your psychological?

I was very introverted for a long time in my teen years. Did drugs for a long time, kept just a few friends, etc.

I was a mess with depression and anxiety until I got help after I turned him in.

Did you had any relantionship beetween that time?

Yep. I had normal teen relationships. I was hypersexualized at the time. I wanted any guy I could get my hands on. Of course, it was just me internalizing my issues and letting myself know I was normal.

And how are you now? How long will your abuser be in jail?

I'm great now! I have two young daughters and a loving SO. He got 6-13 years, so I'm not quite sure.

657?!? With that many counts, as horrible as this sounds, do you feel that you became more and more apathetic about the assaults?

Definitely! After a while, I was just kind of numb to it all. It was like, "okay, do what you gotta do then get out so I can go to sleep."

Hi, a few years ago a close relative of mine was sentenced to ~20+ years for molesting his stepdaughters. Although there was no trial, it was a mess. The girls (now in their teens) were placed with separate nonrelative families, and we hear they are doing well.

I've struggled with whether to contact them. My wife and I were never close with them, but we did see them a few times every year. I'd like to apologize to them for what my relative did to them, and more importantly I'd like to assure them that we blame him 100% for everything. Sadly, some of my other relatives have tended to defend the offender and lay part of the blame on the victims because, for example, they dressed like normal girls their age rather than covering up more so the offender wasn't "tempted" (yeah, that kind of thinking is really sick).

Sorry for the long story, what I really want to ask is your thoughts on contacting victims of sexual abuse. The offender comes from "my side" of the family, so part of me thinks maybe the girls would rather never hear from me again. But then I think maybe they would interpret that as me "cutting them off" because I blame them (I don't). Then again, I don't want to disrupt their healing and getting on with a normal life ... but perhaps me not contacting them is actually preventing that in some way or another.

Any thoughts or advice? Thanks for your bravery, I admire you very much.

This is definitely a tough situation!

What I, personally, would do is contact the guardians of the girls first and get their input/advice. They know how the girls are handling everything and can give you an idea of how to proceed. If I didn't have their blessing, I wouldn't do it. It could just drudge up memories of the abuse that they are trying to still get over. Good luck!

"I feel so much pity for you, LD. I have a much different view of pedophilia than most. I understand it is an attraction that you can’t help. I think it’s incredibly disgusting, but I understand it. It was the way that you dealt with that attraction that sickens me the most. You had the option to get help. You had the option to NOT do those things to an innocent child. You had the power to teach me love instead of hate. You had the power to learn who I was instead of turning me into someone with no reason of being. You abused that power. You used that power to degrade and brutalize me in the worst ways that I could ever imagine." I have a lot of respect for you for understanding that pedophilia is a sickness, and to feel pity for your stepfather. To me, this shows that your healing process has come a long way. My question is what do you think would be an effective way to deal with people with this inclination, and to stop these sorts of awful crimes before they happen? Thanks for doing this AMA, you did the right thing by coming forward.

Thank you!

Prevention is the key to this. We need some way, be it a helpline, free therapist, support group, etc., to keep it from happening. There is such a social stigma around pedophilia that men that actually want to get help can't, for fear of social suicide. They don't know how to handle their urges because they have no one to talk to about it, to help them deal with the problem.

I don't even feel that pedophilia is a sickness. It's an attraction like any other. It's just not a moral attraction to have, as it harms children. I always compare it to being attracted to Asians. Say you were attracted to Asians, then one day told you that it was wrong and everyone would hate you for being attracted to them. Could you just turn off that attraction? Could you stop yourself from acting on that attraction?

These people need a support system and an outlet. I'm not quite sure what the answer to that problem is yet, but I've thought extensively about it. I've thought of rehab centers, meetings, clinics, helplines, etc., but there just isn't anything out there for them. I can sympathize with them, they really didn't ask to be attracted to children. They just don't know how to deal with it, so they hurt kids out of frustration. They really do need preventative care.

What an excellent response! It's hard enough to put yourself in another person's shoes in general, and much harder when it's someone who has wronged you.

But I cant even imagine how hard it must be to empathize with someone who has hurt you in such a terrible, horrible way. I dont think I could do it, to be honest. So, (and I dont say this lightly) you are a wonderful person, and will certainly be a great role model to your daughters.

Thank you so much! Even though you're just an internet stranger, you words really touch me.

No question, but I admire what you're doing and have done. Keep up the good fight!

Thank you! :)

Are you going civil suit as well?

I've thought about it, but haven't yet. I don't think I could considering he is in jail for god knows how long and has no way to pay it.

Unless he gets an inheritance.

Maybe, I've definitely thought about it. Thing is, I can't afford to get a lawyer to do it, so...

Even so, if I did, I'd like half of it to go to women in need or victim's services. They were both great helps with the entire process. They paid for my therapist and my travel to court/therapy/anything related to my case. I'm struggling financially, but I know there are people out there that would need that money more.

Have you thought about trying to work with google on making "official" results show up if people google on these issues or questions?

Um, I don't know how to do that...

I don't either! You can contact James Fallows @ the Atlantic - he might be able to help.

Thanks! I'll look into it! :)

What has helped you the most in the coping process?

Therapy and an extremely supportive SO and best friend. They were with me every step of the way.

i am really sorry you had to go through this.my father molested my sister for two years but because she couldnt remember the dates of each incedent he only got 3 years jail.

Yes, that was hard to do for me as well. At least she tried! As long as it helped her to do it, it was worth it!

How does this work? Does knowing the exact dates have a huge impact on the investigation even after all those years?

How did you remembered those 657 assaults? Did you keep some kind of log from the begining?

I truly admire you and I would like to give you a hug.

I didn't even know exact dates. I could only remember estimates. I remembered all of what happened, just not exact dates.

I estimated he touched my boob every other weekend, which is 26 times/year for 5 years which is 130. So that's 130 counts of sexual assault of a minor. He made me touch him at least once a month for five years, yadda yadda. It was all estimated. They took my word for it and that's what they charged him with. If they would have took it to trial and he wouldn't have plead out, he may have been found guilty of all of those charges simply from my word. Honestly, it was my recounting of everything that made them know I wasn't lying. Specific details of things that happened. Time of day, location, sex act, etc.

I've just read this whole thread and it was really disturbing, yet intriguing. I have never heard / read about this stuff other than from media. I'm surprised how many victims emerged.

I have a deep respect for every one of you. Thank you for doing this AMA and helping the others.

I wish you and your family the best of luck in your lives.

Thank you :)

I recently went to the police with the few memories I have recently uncovered about my father molesting me around the age of 4-6 or so. They spoke to him and now are trying to force me to think it was other people close to my mother (clearly people my father would suggest).

I'm going to drop my case soon. I can't see myself achieving anything this way.

Do you have any advice? :(

I'm so sorry. I'm really not sure what to tell you, honestly. I just couldn't imagine that situation. I remembered my abuse vividly, so I didn't have a problem with that.

I'm sure you wanted to have justice. But please remember, this should be for you and not to punish him. You're the one that needs to heal. Talk to someone you trust about it. Good luck!

Thank you so much for being so open about something so traumatic. I have personally gone through an eerily similar experience, but never had the courage to really speak out about it. I admire your strength!

Thank you!

As an abuse survivor, I think how you're helping to get the word out is awesome. One of the things that helped me cope was forgiveness. I prosecuted my abuser but asked the state to give a less severe sentence than he would have gotten, although I understand your reasons and fully agree that in this type of situation he should be locked up.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you"

Have you thought about forgiving your step father?

No. I have good reason to believe he is a literal psychopath. He show no remorse for what he did to me or anyone else. He was actually laughing in the court room. The day he shows remorse is the day I will begin to forgive him. I don't hate him, I just would never forgive him until then.

Thank you.

Please understand this is a question, not an accusation.

Can you help me understand why you waited until you were 25 to report this crime? I understand while it was happening coming forward would be hard, especially as it was your stepfather. At some point you would have realised it was wrong, and perhaps at a later point you would have had the freedom to speak out.

I ask because I was in a conversation today about some celebrities who have been accused of crimes 30 years ago and I wonder why it took so long. I also have doubts about "Recovered memories," although I understand that is not the case with you.

Hey, I said ask me ANYTHING! :) Don't feel bad about asking me ANY questions whatsoever! The more honest I am about every little detail, the more it helps me and the more it may help others. Thank you!

For me, it was because of who he was and because of my mother. I loved my mother dearly. I felt terrible even thinking about talking when she was alive. It would hurt her to know he hurt me. I just couldn't do that to her.

As for him, he was a father figure to me. We had good times. It wasn't like he was a total monster. He treated me like a normal father would treat a daughter until he either got drunk or wanted his jollies off. It was really strange to actually love your abuser. I did love him. He helped raise me, but he also hurt me. It's very difficult to come out about this type of thing when it's happening in your own home. How could you feel safe telling anyone of authority about it when the person in you home that has authority is the one doing it to you? It's all very complicated, but I didn't tell simply because I didn't want to hurt the rest of my family.

When I was 25, I saw him on facebook and saw that he had very young girls on his friends list, from right where he lived. Until then, I could live in willful ignorance and say to myself he wasn't hurting anyone else. When I saw that, I knew he was still a predator. I snapped and told.

Repressed memories are real. I didn't realize until I sat down and typed out my statement that there were some things even I repressed.

I hope I've answered your question! :)

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you're welcome! And I hope everything is great with you, too! :)

I just want to thank you for posting this. As a survivor as well, it really means a lot to see people being open about their experiences, and to know that it has affected other people in the same way it's affected me. My situation is different in that it was an older 'child' rather than an adult (though certainly old enough to know better) and I am not in a position to be open offline... After a lot of soul-searching, I've decided to let it be for a number of reasons.

I'm glad you've managed to overcome it and find peace, and I'm also so, so glad you have found love and been able to have children. Having a family and children of my own is my dream, and though our paths have been quite different in some of the ways we relate to our sexuality, it gives me a lot of hope to see someone else with the same sort of experiences who has been able to overcome them.

I also want to thank you for taking into account the feelings of the other girls who would have to testify when you made your decision to accept the plea deal. As a child, other people finding out about what 'we did' (I know now it's really what he did) was terrifying to me, and even still it's like trying to speak with my tongue glued to the roof of my mouth to actually say the words. You saved them a lot of grief, I think, and it will be better for them to replay their experiences in private with a caring professional, rather than in front of a court room full of family, strange people, and the man who did it to them.

I do have a question, if you're willing to answer - We're different in that you ended up being very sexually active, and I went in the opposite direction. Still, you've mentioned feeling dirty and scared and unwanted, and I wanted to know if there was anything in particular you could recommend for being able to overcome those feelings. I am attending therapy, but I'm considering seeking other options/therapists as I'm not sure the way we're going is doing much good for me.

Wow. Thank you for you commendation!

Honestly, finding the right life partner helped me tremendously!! I know it seems kind of counterproductive, but finding my SO...man. It was wonderful.

It took years for me to get where I am today. HE made me feel comfortable in my own skin. He told me how beautiful I was and how he doesn't deserve such a wonderful person like me. Nobody had ever said that kind of stuff to me before. It gave me the confidence boost I needed to pursue my abuser. I felt normal. I felt loved. I felt WORTH IT! Just those few simple words from him made a world of difference to me.

I could finally have sex with the lights on, let him see me naked and take a shower with him, look him in the eyes when we made love, feel confident and attractive when naked or dressed up, and even accepting of my weight, knowing I didn't have to lose weight for him to love me...to be worth it.

My therapist helped with the rest. I've known her since I was in 3rd grade. She taught me how to be in the NOW and not look into the past. When I have a flashback, I focus harder on what I'm doing and let it go.

I'm not saying you can't do it on your own, you can! I'm just letting you know my experiences. Hell, I was in multiple abusive demeaning relationships before I met my current SO. They just drug me down further and made me feel like shit.

Have you tried support groups? Meeting other women who have gone through this and picking their brains may be the best thing for you. It's not really a therapist to talk to, just someone who can show you how wonderful you are. You ARE wonderful and amazing and beautiful and WORTH IT! :) I love you, I'm sure you'll find others that do as well. Good luck and feel free to message me ANY time you need to.

Not trying to sound rude or anything but how does something like this start? Were there any warning signs people around you could have/should have picked up on?

Thank you for doing this!

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1llvh2/iama_woman_who_was_molested_for_5_years_straight/cc0jd80

He started by giving hugs that had his arms wrap all the way around me and back around to touch the side of my boobs. Went on from there.

You're very welcome!

No questions, just internet hugs.

:)

You are an inspiration! My ex sexually assaulted me and abused me in all forms for almost a year, I told my mother a few months ago. I've talked to a detective and I am seeing a counselor who is very helpful and actually believes me unlike many others, including my psychiatrist. I finally got a restraining order against him, I'm getting moved to another high school (freshly out of middle school and am heading into grade ten). I'm glad to be away from him. I have a question for you though; how do you deal with relapses, like you're re living it? Sometimes small triggers like laying a certain way will take me back. Thanks for your time and AMA, it feels nice to know that I'm not alone. I can take comfort in knowing that even though I told later I wasn't alone to do so, like others make it seem.

You are amazing! It takes courage to tell people something so embarrassing and degrading. I've learned though blocking techniques from my therapist to try and curb that. Of course I still have them sometimes (actually had a flashback last night. I guess the AMA made it forefront in my mind for a while), but I don't let it effect me as much anymore. I try to shrug it off and move on. Dwelling on it makes it worse.

I hope your therapist can help you like mine helped me! It definitely gets better, just keep your head up!

It happend to me between 11-12. Brother saved me.

Hope you're doing better.

hug

Thank you! :)

What is you daily motivation? And i applaud you for being fearless enough to tell your story

My two little girls. :) thanks!

Do you have any advice for people who are suffering from the effects of childhood sexual abuse (after it's ended)?

Therapy, therapy, more therapy, and possibly medication. It helps to also have a support system, someone you can call and talk to ANYTIME you need to. Keeping it in is what hurts the most. Talking helps more than people might think it does.

It's not going to go away and you're not going to just "get over it" if you don't do anything to help yourself. You're the only one that can make your life better, nobody is going to make you do it. The hardest part is that first step.

How did you go about the process of involving the police? I mean dud you just walk in one day and tell them? Also how does the police go about verifying claims?

I went to my childhood therapist and told her first and then she walked me through what I needed to do to go to the police.

They couldn't verify anything. BUT, he was already a convicted pedophile, so it wasn't like it was that far of a stretch...

I just want to say I am very glad that you are OK and your abuser got some form of punishment. The girl who, at that point, I considered the love of my life confided in me that her father had molested her from a very young age. Things soon spiraled out of control and we lost contact, her father ended up trying to kill her and ended up committing suicide by overdose. She's never been the same and I haven't heard from her in at least four years now. It really helps when I hear stories where things go a bit better.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Thank you for your kind words and I hope she gets the help she needs. Good luck.

unrelated to your actual story but how come you are wearing tinted glasses in your drivers license?

They aren't tinted, it's just a crappy quality photo. :)

Well, he's probably having a hard time in jail

Hopefully!

how has this affected your view on men? How has this effected your sex life?

Well, it's complicated to say the least.

I have a liking for older men...but my therapist said that we can't be sure if it's just a personal preference or if it's because of stolkholm syndrome. I'm 27 and I'm with a man who is 59. She said as long as I am having a normal, healthy relationship, it's not a problem regardless. Sure, it's not a "typical" relationship, but we work well together. I would even say I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. He was there with me in the court room and through everything.

My sex life was..erratic to put it lightly, at least in during the abuse. After that, I had a lot of trouble reaching orgasm due to flashbacks while I was having sex. Since, I've overcome that (mostly) and have a normal, healthy sex life.

Do you often get judged for dating an older man?

Of course! Everyone always has an opinion and will judge you no matter what. I couldn't care less.

I usually put it this way: Am I bothering you? Is my lifestyle affecting you in any way? Does it matter as long as we're both consenting adults? No.

What's really funny is the people who are advocates for gay marriage that look down on me for my choice in partner. It's really funny to point out their contradicting views to them. ;)

From personal experience, I can definitely relate.. I'm happy that you chose to take action against that scumbag. No one deserves to live life under such a dark and heavy cloud. I hope you learn to enjoy life a bit more, you deserve to feel your best after all those years of torture. Cheers. :)

Thank you. :)

I'm very sorry all this happened to you, and I'm glad you took this man off the streets. My question is, if he had not plead guilty how did you plan on proving his guilt? Is it just your word against his? (If the other girls hadn't come forward)

Yep, it would've been. But as detailed as my accounts were, they knew I wasn't making it up.There's a good chance I could've won, but I didn't want to chance it or put the kids through it.

You're so strong. At times you might not feel that way, but you have done what so many others have not yet found to courage to do. You're amazing.

Thank you! You're amazing too!

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They went with my best estimate.

I know this may offer little to no comfort, but recently they have done studies on the brains of pedophiles. The results may answer a lot of the "Why" but again, not very comforting. It turns out, the part of their brain that handles sexual attraction and maturity is entirely underdeveloped. As though that part of their brain stopped maturing at a very young age, and that is why they find young children so much more appealing than people their own age. I think they are still trying to figure out why this underdevelopment occurs. They cannot be rehabilitated. There is no surgery to fix that area of the brain (as of yet) Some references: http://dw.de/p/16PvU http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S000632230601300X http://ideas.time.com/2012/06/18/jerry-sandusky-what-makes-pedophile-tick/ I am sorry you had to go through this, but proud that you chose to protect those two girls. I am about to have a daughter and will be on the lookout for any warning signs with her.

That's really interesting! Thank you for the info! I'll definitely be looking into this further.

Wow, I actually read about this in the Public Opinion. Small world.

Haha! So weird!

Great work and Congratulations upon his confinement! I hope you are doing well.

I am doing great! Thank you!

Shouldn't you care about young PEOPLE to come out about their abuse and putting the ABUSERS away? It happens to everyone, not just women, and it is done by everyone, not just men.

You are VERY right! Corrected! :)

I said she/he in a comment, but wrote wrong in the OP. Thank you!

Thanks for doing that - but you might also want to edit the line about "putting men away". Women also abuse children, in fact the number of reports is rising rapidly as people become aware of it.

Sshhheeiiiittt! In the OP? I'll reread and do just that. :)

No problem. Sorry as well, if my comment sounded harsh, which it kinda does now that I read over it.

It's all gravy baby! :P

Ask you anything? Can you explain your username for us? Are you saying you were buck naked at 14?

haha! I get this question a lot! It's really very, well kinda innocent. :P

My boyfriend's nickname when I was 14 was Buck. And I wanted to see him naked. I created the username on another site and it kinda stuck. :)

Did Buck... Touch you inappropriately.

haha! Yiss...oh yiss and it was a good kind of inappropriate. :P

btw, I did get to see him naked!