I am a sex ＆ relationship advice columnist and most recently, the author of a book of essays titled Well, This Is Exhausting. AMA!

Is Ben Simmons going to be traded? And where is the best landing spot for him and why is it the Timberwolves?

My gut says that we (Philly sports fans) are not lucky enough to trade Ben Simmons. We have been cursed by someone--see Fultz. That said, Morey was smart enough to trade Al Horford who is lovely but didn't fit on the team. So maybe!

EDITED to fix my dumb error: Brand didn't trade horford, Morey did!

Elton Brand didn’t trade Horford, the was new GM Daryl Morey. Elton Brand signed Horford to an egregious contract that Morey had to unload.

Ahh thank you! I meant Morey! I don't know why I typed Brand. I was thinking of Morey and my brain just... bloop.

Do you think dating apps have an overall negative or positive effect on dating success and satisfaction, and how does that change across age groups, if at all?

Negative for people who are looking for relationships, posiutive for hookups. Apps are GREAT for hookups, but they often make people feel very rejected when it comes to relationships. There are OF COURSE exceptions, and the internet has been great at connecting people with marginalized sexual identities that might not have found each other, so there are definitely some positives. But don't use them if they make you feel bad!

What makes someone an expert on sex and relationships? When did you or someone else decide you were an authority on the topic ?

I guess I'm more of an "expert" --and to be clear, I would not ever use that word to describe my skill in any arena other than perhaps knowing where things are in Target--at writing or talking about sex. It's NOT like I was so good at sex itself that someone contacted me, begging me to share secrets. It's more that I've had a lot of practice reading and writing about sex and relationships and editors have seen and liked my work on the topic. I'm pretty open and shame-free about sex, so that helps me. Additionally, I do a lot of reading and research, and often I'm reaching out to people who do a lot of research in the field. So again, my "expertise" (gross, sorry) is more in the communicating about sex/relationships, rather than it being a claim that I'm somehow smarter than everyone else about the topic or something.

So you are a “sexpert communicator”. Nice!

Wonder how someone gets into something like this. Asking for myself.

For me, I did a lot of writing (and tweeting) about it for free first, which is a very very messed up system, but that was how editors found me. I strongly recommend a newsletter or a website that has all your work/writing on it so that people can find your writing easily in one place!

What makes someone an expert on sex?

Depends on how many hours of porn you have watched.

This is a better answer and in that sense between reading and watching, I am beyond an expert.

How does one bring up a strange (usually deal breaking) fetish while in a relationship?

I think you just be really vulnerable and say, "Hey, this is a fetish I'm into, and it has been a dealbreaker for people in the past, but I want to let you know about it. I'm happy to answer any questions you have about it or what it means." And then go from there. I'm sorry that some things are deal breakers. I mean I get it, but it sucks!!

What do you think is the cause of increasing rates of sexlessness among young Americans, especially 20-something men?

https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2019/03/29/share-americans-not-having-sex-has-reached-record-high/

I think they've been reporting on this trend for a while, and I'm not sure they're getting at the actual causes, which I'm sure are manifold and complex. (I also admittedly don't know much about how they're doing the studies). I would not be shocked to find out that todays teens and 20 year olds are stressed out of their minds, and stress is a MASSIVE libido killer. Sorry for using the word libido, it truly is the worst word. I also think that there are other things for young kids to do than have sex--some things are fun (tik tok/internet/video game shit)--but also, kids are freaking BUSY now! They're working jobs and applying for 40 schools and running track. And then they make it to adulthood and the world is just a capitalistic hellscape where they get no breaks. Everyone is tired, imo!

This is kind of nice to read because I feel like I used to have sex more when I was younger (and before ssris) and now I just find myself constantly tired. I feel like my partner doesn’t initiate as much anymore either but I also know he’s stressed and feels like he doesn’t have enough free time. I think we both are struggling to find the time/energy but I keep feeling like we should be having more sex because that’s what you’re supposed to do, especially at my age.

It's very hard to let go of the thought, "I think we should be having more sex" but genuinely, if you like the amount of sex you're having right now, THAT is the right amount of sex!

Okay, so it sounds like your position is that people don't want sex/relationships as much right now because of busyness, rather than a desire for sex but inability to find it? A fair position even though some would disagree.

In that case, what causes the disparity in sexlessness between genders? Are men just busier than women and have less time for relationships in your opinion?

I think there's a BUNCH of converging mental health crises and men have far fewer resources thrown at them or good outlets. Some of that is their own design (well, the design passed down from men from previous generations). A lot of that is just societal. On top of that, the stakes are lower for cis straight men when they're having sex-- so if one guy sleeps with a bunch of people, that means virtually nothing reputation wise. Versus when a young woman decides to have sex with someone, it can carry a lot of risk and a lot of stigma. So the barrier to entry, if you will, might be higher. Everyone's individual reasons are, I'm sure, way more complex than what I'm positing, though.

Also, perhaps more young people are being prescribed drugs like SSRIs that can kill sex drive. No idea if this bears out-- i haven't looked at data--just a guess.

If the social consequences for a woman sleeping around are higher, wouldn't that lead to women having less sex than men, not the other way around as we see?

Well, I didn't look at the exact study but it could be that a LOT of women are having sex with fewer people, while a few men are having sex with a lot of people, which would make it seem like fewer men are having sex. Right? (I feel like now I'm second guessing my "math"??)

Why is libido the worst word?

I do not know and let me tell you as a sex writer it HAUNTS me!

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I don't personally! I think the reality is that hot people (we're all hot, but you get what I mean) have always done very, very well at dating as a group--even if individual hot people have issues. That's just a shitty fact of life, but if you make that the focus of your dating, it's going to be a very painful process.

Any advice for a couple happily married with a disabled wife who has no desire for sex due to chronic pain? Pretty much all physical movement hurts including sex, and she has no desire any longer because as she describes it "My body is my enemy." With an autoimmune disease, it's pretty accurate.

But, I feel a lot of frustration and she feels a lot of guilt.

I answered a similar question above, but it might be worth considering ethical nonmonagamy. (My answer above is more expanded, if you're interested).

But also!! Watching porn together while you jerk off might be nice! Just an idea!

My wife freaks out when I touch her vagina or try to go down on her, even when she wants to try to do it. It's like an involuntary panicky reaction, we've tried to work on it but to no avail, and it wasn't always like that. Have you ever heard of anything like this?

I have! It often--not always--is related to past sexual trauma, and sometimes happens for people who lost their virginity "later." I would strongly recommend that she try talking to a therapist or a licensed sex therapist about it. They can absolutely help!

What's your hottest sex-related take?

You don't have to have an orgasm to have good sex. There's too much focus on orgasming and not focus on pleasure. Like you can have mediocre sex and still come, and you can have amazing sex and not.

Any advice you can give for someone who is a 26 yr old Male who has never had a relationship, never cuddled, and never kissed? I'm so sad and lonely, I've about given up on everything.

I think there's a lot of advice about how to "get over" or "move on" from this fact, but sometimes people need to actually do some real grieving. It's totally normal and healthy to be sad about this, and to feel lonely. In fact, a lot of studies suggest that people are getting more lonely these days, and loneliness has a real physical and mental toll.

I cannot recommend enough talking to someone, especially a therapist about this. It's not going to get you a partner immediately and that isn't the point, frankly. It's more about having an outlet to talk through the emotions of not having had some of these experiences.

I do think that the experiences will come, but I also think that it will be slow and that it's very hard to wait after you've already waited. I think the more you work on yourself and becoming the person you'd like to be, the more that you will be ready when they do come.

I’m (M) in my early 30’s and have a much lower sex drive than my mid 20’s gf. She wants more sex 5+x a week, but 2-3 is plenty for me. I hate that sex is starting to feel like a chore for me. Any suggestions for us?

Oh this is so common! (Not that that makes it easy, just affirming that it's very normal to have this struggle). I would strongly suggest talking VERY openly and honestly with each other about the difference in drives and then see if you can come up with something that satisfies both of your desires/needs. Ideas might be her masturbating while you watch, which is potentially hot, but doesn't require you to orgasm. Or you guys watching porn together. Or perhaps her desire for more sex is becuase she feels really connected to you when you guys have sex and she wants that FEELING 5+ times a week and maybe there's a way to replicate that with massages or showers together or something else. Talk about what she really likes about having sex that much--is it orgasming that frequently or something else? And then try to go from there. Be open about that you love sex with her but that you're just not able to keep up with that pace and that you don't want sex to lose its hotness if you're not as into it.

My girlfriend only likes PIV sex and isn't really into toys/vibrators or anything, doesn't even like getting oral. However I'm really short down there(see my username...), and during sex she just lays there silently looking bored...what am I supposed to do?

Talk to her! Ask her if she's bored! Ask her what would not be boring. Talk about what else she might be into.

If you could rewrite the entirety of the sex-ed curriculum currently taught (or not taught 🙃) in US schools, what would be your biggest changes? Btw, your work/writings are awesome!

I think the biggest thing I would be teaching about abuse and harm and assault, etc. Teaching young people what to look out for, what red flags are and what they can do to work on their own esteem and their own beliefs about themselves to prepare them. Also, I'd completely remove the shame element or the focus on sex-prevention that so many schools have.

My wife has gone off sex loads the past 5 years. We've had kids in this time and one has special needs and her libido has dropped to wanting sex once every 18 months. We've tried relationship therapy but no luck. I've tried waiting and not saying anything no luck. I've tried talking about it but nothing has changed. She's also gone off the pill as she thought this may be the cause. No luck. What would you advise? I'm dying here!

Not the OP, but I’m kind of your wife in this situation. I have two small children who need my attention all the time. They need to be held, cuddled, played with and entertained all day. When I collapse into bed, after folding laundry, packing school bags and tidying up, I don’t want to be touched or have to think about anyone but myself. Sorry. But I can’t meet anymore needs that aren’t my immediate need for rest.

I’d love to get a real break for a day or two - no chores, no childcare, just whatever I want to do and a good long nap! But towards the end of that weekend I would definitely feel a lot more up for bedroom stuff. Not in a “I did the washing up for you so you do sex for me” way, but in a way that says “I want you to feel rested and relaxed”. For me, if I don’t get enough sleep and I’m stressed, there’s no way I could feel sexy. So starting to build more time for her to feel relaxed and herself again (i.e. not Mum or wife) might help you out too.

I’m not the OP and not a sex expert at all though, just a tired mom who is on Reddit while feeding a baby!

No, this is a GREAT answer! There is a very real phenomenon of parents who are home all day with kids, and moms in general getting "touched out," too, and often new parents find that physical touch loses it's sexuality, basically. (WHICH MAKES SENSE!)

So being stressed and tired kills the sexdrive, similar to what happens to young adults today?

I mean, yeah, stress HUGELY negatively impacts sex drive and I think a lot of people are stressed right now.

Thanks for this. We've just bought a hot tub which makes sure we spend time together without our phones. It's been nice to be honest. I get the being tired part.. I'm also exhausted and I make sure she has kid free days where I watch them to help her out. I feel like I'm doing the right kind of thing but I'm getting more frustrated as it doesn't seem to be working

I think it depends on if she's also feeling upset about the lack of sex or if this feels like just another thing that she has on her plate that she needs to address, like "Oh yes, call Mike to clean the gutters and later work on my sex drive so that I can perform for Knackered Dad." If it's the latter, I'm not suggesting AT ALL that you put her in that position, but sometimes people frame sex as something they're doing for their partner rather than something that feels good for them. So to me, the question is: what feels good to her? It doesn't even have to be sex, but what is a time recently when she felt really good?

And then how do you get more of that feeling? And then from there, how do you add in YOU to that? How do you add in physical touch or making out? There is a lot of stuff short of sex (LIKE BEING IN A HOT TUB!!!! WHICH IS GREAT!) that can be flirty and fun. Try to add that in first and then build.

All that said, I'm sorry to you. It's very hard to feel like you're missing intimacy on some level with someone you love. I think you're doing great and I think things will get better. Keep at it! You're doing amazing!!!

should field hockey sticks be longer? they look silly

They should be twice as long! Everyone who plays field hockey probably has terrible back pain!

Hi Sophia! I married young and just got a divorce, and am getting back into the dating game.

Weirdly, I'm fixated on what the fuck I'm supposed to do with my pubic hair. My ex was chill and I tried a couple different grooming options, nothing really clicked.

So what do people out there expect when it comes to women's body hair? Am I supposed to ask a potential partner AHEAD OF TIME? How would that even work? Is there some sort of unsaid standing etiquette I'm unaware of? I'm terrified of getting into bed with somebody and they're just like..... wtf.

Oh this is such a good question! The truth--the actual truth-- is that if someone sees genitals and is worried about hair, they are absolutely BANANA PANCAKES. I cannot overstate how odd that is for them!! Someone's hot naked body is in front of you! Woo! And 99.9% of people (based on loose studies) are going to feel this way. They're going to be like, "AAAWOOOOGA! A HOT BABE!"

That said, women have been told to be very anxious about our bodies and our body hair in particular so I feel you. DO YOU. Right now--2021--it seems like there's not really a trend. I don't think you personally, or anyone for that matter, needs to follow any trend at all, but if you're really wanting to, there isn't some dominant thing that we have all agreed upon. The vast majority of my friends seem to just keep their shit trimmed up or shaved. Shaving sucks ass though. I don't find waxing that bad, but some of my friends do! (Hard wax is the way to go, imo). If you do NOTHING with your hair, that's great too! Bush is hot! Shaved is hot! Again, no hot mature adult is going to pause for even one second to worry about your grooming choices.

My own personal policy is to do whatever the hell I want with my pubes until I'm in a serious commited relationship and THEN when I feel very comfortable with a partner, I'm like "Hey, not that i'm going to do something I don't want to, but is there a style that really turns you on?" And then IF I'm down for that, I do that.

If you wouldn't let someone decide your hair style on the top of your head, don't let them pick it in between your legs! That is simply not their business!

That is SO helpful and a weight off my labia, thank you!

ahahhaahha

Does it feel like there are always new things to write about or does it get stale eventually?

Oh gosh, it's not necessarily the topics that get stale, but sometimes I just get tired of myself and my writing style. I'll read an exquisite column or a book that is just brilliant and I'll absolutely ache to write like that instead of like me. Additionally, sometimes if you write for the same publication over and over it's a little harder (in this particular and very minor way) because you've already pitched them all your ideas and you have to keep coming up with new stuff. There are certainly days when I don't have a single good idea in my head. Actually, that's most days!

Hi Sophia, you said on Twitter that someone should ask you these questions, and I do what I’m told, so here you go:

Can you whistle?

What’s your favorite horse breed?

Why won’t you eat crabs?

Which season of the bachelor is your favorite?

When’s the last time you watched a movie with nuns in it?

Best pasta shape?

I cannot whistle!!! AND I'M MIFFED ABOUT IT!

My favorite horse breed is Belgian horses or really any draft horse because have you seen them?? MASSIVE BOYS.

Crabs have too many legs and they look like spiders. It's nasty and I can't get over that it looks like someone eating a tarantula. That said, if crab meat is in a dip or something, sure!

The best bachelor season was, shockingly, Sean Lowe's season and the most fun Bachelorette seasons in my opinion were Emily Maynard and Kaitlyn Bristowe. I also loved Rachel's season, but I was so sad about Peter, even though I'm sure she chose the right guy for her.

The last time was a few months ago when I finally rewatched Sister Act. I hadn't seen it in years! It holds up so much!

Best pasta shape is bucatini hands down.

Whisper the letter “Q” and hold the “ewwww” at the end, then push a little more air through. You’ll whistle in no time!

kjsDF;LKJAS;DLKFJASL;KDJF ;ALSKDJF;L WHAT THE HECK!!!!!! WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME THIS UNTIL NOW?!?!?

Since you like horses...

Would you rather fight a horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses?

Horse sized duck FOR SURE. I don't think I could fight a horse ever, sorry ducks. Also just having to defeat one thing I think is always easier.

What are some productive ways to begin dating again after a relationship that ended traumatically? It can feel hopeless.

Go slowly and do things that excite you! If you feel like you're dreading something, don't do that just for the sake of doing it. Be gentle with yourself! If you find that you're not "ready"--whatever that looks like for you--go back to just hanging out and not dating. There is absolutely no requirement that you jump back in quickly!

I've been cheated on by all three men I've been in a relationship with and I don't trust men anymore.

A common piece of advice I hear is "You're choosing the wrong men. What do they all have in common?"

My brain answers "They were men with functional penises." I get the idea 🙄 supposedly, the advice goes, I'm choosing the wrong men and they must all have something in common, and that one element, should I identify it, is a feature I should isolate and recognize and refuse to date people with that common characteristic.

I mostly think that's bullshit and hold the individuals who made the choice to cheat responsible, rather than holding myself responsible for them cheating because I wasn't psychic enough to predict it. They were very different anyway. And if I list the generic things they had in common that I was attracted to - attractive, smart, funny, Active, etc, that basically leaves me dating ugly dumb boring guys, and at that point why bother dating... So I basically hate that line of logic.

I've also been preemptively blamed by people who don't even know details about my sex life saying I probably don't put out enough or that I'm too clingy which makes them cheat. Anything to avoid blaming the actually person who cheats I suppose 🙄

So, is there any advice you'd give someone who is considering giving up dating because of being betrayed too often... That doesn't essentially blame the victim?

I think it's incredibly, incredibly fair of you to be tired of the advice that there is something in common with all these men and that you perhaps didn't notice it and that it is therefore your fault. I think that's very victim-blamey and total crap. The thing these men had in common was simply cheating on you. So we figured that part out! Cool! (I ​do think that it should be noted that people of all genders cheat!)

As for what to do? Well, my first thought is to "give up" on dating for a bit and just let life take you where it takes you next that feels nice and exciting. Right now, if dating doesn't seem fun or appealing, then great, put it down for a minute. In the meantime, try to build yourself up as much as you can so that when you're ready for a relationship again, you can try to have a relationship with THAT person, and not with the three guys who were shitty to you. Learn what your insecurities are, learn what you're looking for, learn as much as you can about yourself. Work on trusting people in small ways. And then do some grieving! It's very hard to be cheated on even ONCE! I know it might seem unbelievable, but cheating is all about the person who cheated and not about the person who was cheated on. It's like being hit by a car--if you got in 3 accidents that were not your fault last year, you would be like, "Well, that's bad luck!" not "I must be a piece of crap person."

What are some of the best proven methods to last longer in bed?

I think one thing to focus on is having a lot more stuff come first that isn't penetrative sex, if penetrative sex is the thing that is making you come quickly. So do other things first, and then if that part of sex doesn't last as long, it's not quite as big of a deal, if a deal at all!

Also, talk to a doctor! There are potential medical reasons for coming quickly, so it's important!

My wife and I are in recovery from a dead bedroom, but neither one of us has much experience in the bedroom. I feel like a virgin in some ways. It makes initiating sex very difficult and awkward, the fear of rejection is very real. Advice (besides just go for it)?

It might help to talk about this sometime separately from the actual act of sex itself! If you're ok with it, you can sit down with your partner and say, "I feel like I don't always know how to initiate sex, what are some things that might be hot to you?" Talk about what your partner likes! Do they like to make out first? Do they like to have showered beforehand? Are they always horny in the morning? Find out!

Also, this is going to take some reframing in your own brain, but a partner turning down sex is not a partner turning YOU down or rejecting YOU. Setting up the dynamic where you'll be hurt or feel massive rejection when your partner isn't up for sex can end up making initiating very high tension for both of you. It's much easier said than done--and feeling rejected is a reasonable response!--but it can help if you can try to separate someone else's libido from your own sense of worth.

Also, don't be afraid to take baby steps! You can use a code word, if that helps. (Don't let anyone tell you that it's childish or silly to find a communication method that works for you). For example, if you and your partner agree, you could say something like, "Do you want to go buy a Christmas tree?" and then she'd be like, "Oh no, sorry, I already have one at my house" if she doesn't want to bone that night or "Hell yes, let's go shopping for a douglas fir!!!!" (This is a little silly, but guess what? It's ok to be silly!!!!!)

So, my wife has a combination of both an extremely stressful job that demands her attention from sun up to past sundown (despite working from home) and a traumatic medical diagnosis (that has been resolved but the effects on her mental health are lingering). Both of these things have zapped her desire for intimacy over the past little while.

Is there anything you have discovered in your work that could be useful in getting her to feel relaxed and comfortable enough to let her body enjoy intimacy again? I know she still wants to but she can't seem to relax enough or shake her anxiety and so is never in the frame of mind to even have the energy or focus to get into it.

I think it depends a little bit on how long this job is supposed to be like this. Is this a forever type of thing? Or is it just for a while? Because if this is forever, then you both need to come up with some strategies together for remaining close and connected as a couple--sexually or otherwise. That's a real conversation that you need to have, and you both have to be proactive about it. You have to CARVE out time to be a couple. It might even help to have a couples therapist to help you both effectively communicate what would get you the most bang for your intimacy buck in the limited amount of time you seem to have.

If this is more of a short-ish term thing--if there's an end in sight to this crazy schedule--then I think it's a bit easier to just focus on the relaxation part of this, and kind of grin and bear it together with more "minor" fixes.

Either way, try to verbally remind each other that this is really you and her versus the problem (stress/her job schedule/her medical diagnosis) and not your desire level versus hers or anything. The vibe is you're in an escape room together on the same team, trying to solve a puzzle NOT you're playing Uno against one another.

As for relaxation, ask her what feels good! Spend a whole month just trying to find things that you both like to do together that are kind of or totally relaxing. Baths, massages, reading the same book and then talking about it, having a glass of wine and building a bird house. I don't know! And neither do you, yet! Try some things out. Once you find a few things that are consistently relaxing for you as a couple, try to add in more physical touch. Don't go straight to sex. Build to it. Figure out what feels nice and keep doing it! Then hopefully you'll have the practice to start building towards sex.

As a note, I think scheduled sex is fantastic. You don't have to start with that right away, but sometimes it's great to not have to make a decision about initiating sex when you're out of practice. Try new things! Watch porn together. Read porn out loud to each other. Jerk off next to one another. Hump each other! It doesn't have to be Regular Full On Sex.

Hello! I'm a 27(F) and I've noticed that compared to early 20' and now my libido has gone down from around 5 times a week to about 1-3. I love my partner dearly and just never really think about sex as often. Is that fairly normal?

This is so so so so so so so normal! Sex drive is not static at all! It varies wildly throughout your life for all kinds of reasons. If the sex itself is good and if you and your partner are good at communicating about sex and good at showing affection in multiple ways, then you're totally fine! If you feel like it's an issue, talk to your partner about what you're feeling and how they've been feeling about that, and consider a couples therapist if you really get stuck on how to talk about it productively.

Hello, Sophia! Maybe you can help me with some questions that I have.

1. I am a 22F and I have a close male friend (22M) that used to be very tender and touchy (not in an inappropriate way, like hugging and putting his head on my shoulder) with me. I was sure he was interested in me so I confessed to him last year, before the pandemic. He refused me, saying he doesn't want to destroy our friendship, and that if we were to be together our uni classmates would say he is together with me just to get me to help him with exams. His reasons seemed a bit strange to me (I would have preferred him to say that he just wasn't attracted to me or that he just wanted casual relationships, not a serious one with me) but we remained friends, because you can't fault someone for not wanting to be together with you. Since then, I have been acting the same as before, but I think he started acting a bit strange. While before he was always complimenting me, he started being much more critical, like telling me I am lazy or that I am not serious. I told him that I wanted to find a boyfriend and he started telling me that I have no time for that and that he can't introduce me to one of his friends because he doesn't have friends anymore because of covid (which is a lie, and he knows it). He also sends me sexy photos sometimes, and I can't understand why. And the thing that shocked me the most is that recently I was at his place and he suddenly undressed to his underwear, saying it was hot, and then he asked my opinion about what underwear to wear the next day. We are close, but nobody told me we were quite that close. I got over him, but I can't understand why he acts the way he does. I know that he is a good person, because he was by my side when I needed it (like when my father died), but his attitude baffles me.

2. I keep hearing that an unknown person is more attractive than one that is close to you, because they seem interesting and mysterious, but for some reason I am not attracted to people that I do not know. I only start being interested in someone after I've known him for at least a few months. This makes dating difficult for me, because I don't feel comfortable meeting someone new, but I also don't know how to get involved with the men I know, because I don't want them to think I am weird or desperate, and I also know that they might not be interested in me exactly because they have known me for a long time. I don't have a problem with being rejected, but I don't want to make things awkward with them. Do you have some advice for my situation?

Sorry for the long post! TL;DR:

1. A male friend refused me when I confessed, but he tells me I don't have time for a boyfriend, sends me sexy photos and he recently got down to his underwear in my presence. Idk what goes on in his head.

2. I am only attracted to men I have known for some time, but I am afraid to approach them because I might make things awkward. What can I do?

Okay these are both great questions and I have two answers, but they're kind of on the shorter side because I have to go eat lunch BUT if you ever want to write into my newsletter or Bustle column, please do (its anonymous) and I'll answer longer!

1. This guy is abusive and being weird. He's actively being cruel to you for some reason and I genuinely cannot guess why, but it kind of doesn't matter because CRUELTY IS A DEALBREAKER. Even once!!! It's a dealbreaker in a relationship but it is FOR SURE a dealbreaker in a relationship. No! Not in 2021 are we dealing with cruel people!!!!! NO! Even if someone was kind to you before, or there for you when you needed them, that unfortunately is not a lifetime pass for them to get to treat you however they want. I think he is taking sick pleasure in making you feel like you can't have him, or that he has power over you. I will venmo you $7 if you stop being his friend! (I'm being serious!!!!)

2. A lot of people are waaaaayyyy more attracted to friends and people they already know! That's very, very common! I also think the above relationship with that weird-ass abusive guy friend probably burned you a bit, but my big advice for everyone in general, but for you in particular when it comes to asking a friend out and not making it awkward is this: remember that you have the power to set the tone. If you make a massive declaration of love to a platonic friend, then yeah, it's gonna be weird if they don't reciprocate. HOWEVER, if you set the tone and decide to treat it like no big deal--because it IS no big deal to you-- and say, "Hey I'm kind of into you, would you want to go out sometime? If not, no big deal, I promise I won't make it weird, I just thought I'd shoot my shot and see." Then boom! They know this isn't a make or break pressurized declaration of your undying love. You've set it up that it's ok for them to turn you down if they aren't into you.

How did you find writing the book? What did it involve from a practical perspective? Having written your first do you see more in the future or was it a scarring experience?

I would LOVE to write another book, and in fact, I'm working on it. I think this time it will be fiction, but I am finding that a little harder to write in book format. I'm so used to writing fiction in screenplay format because that's what I took classes in in college. So it's a bit of a process. I don't have tons of formal writing training, actually, so I'm often a bit daunted by the process or I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

Well, This Is Exhausting was a bit easier for me, if I can throw that word around for a 5 year long process, because it was in my own voice and I was just describing things that happened. From a practical side of things, I read through old journals from college when I was an emotional mess, and I thought about things I had strong opinions on and I tried to think of flaws of my own and why I had those flaws and how I got them. I tried to think of the parts of me that maybe weren't so flattering and then tried to work backward from there.

Sophia, how do you post so good all the time on twitter?

You may be thinking of someone else, most of my posts are horrid, a few are mediocre, and the rest are my anxiety-brain hahaha.

Seriously, though, a lot of my tweeting is because I have anxiety and ADHD and my brain is zipping around my head, so I just tweet everything I think and then I delete a lot!

my brain is zipping around my head

I love this description. The anxiety mosquitoes in the latest season of Big Mouth finally helped me explain to my husband that THIS IS MY BRAIN and his doesn’t do that. He is amazed that my brain bothers/has the energy and I am horrified/fascinated that his doesn’t, but wow man: truly doing laps in there.

I found that, for me--I am not a medical doctor at all!!! obviously!!--treating my anxiety was helpful, but that treating my ADHD which I didn't know I had at all because adult women's symptoms often present kind of differently, helped the most with this!

It might be worth looking into if you haven't, and sorry for the unsolicited and perhaps very obvious tip!

Hi Sophia! Big fan of your Twitter page and column, have not read your book yet (but I will!) I’m consistently blown away by the depth and emotional intelligence of your writing - are you simply an old soul, or if not how have you developed your very distinct approach to discussing (and advising on) the deeply personal issues often addressed in your work?

Oh my goodness, this is so kind of you! By the time I was 12 years old, I felt about 47 for a whole host of reasons, two big ones are that I had a lot of younger siblings whom I took care of and because I grew up kind of a...loser. (Love myself, not trying to be mean!) I mean, I just was a weird kid, and my parents were kind of strict, so I think I was not doing a lot of the typical Kid Things. I think also that being in a big family with four parents and eight kids total just meant a WHOLE LOT of time spent talking about things. I got my 10,000 hours of talking and listening in probably in the first month I was alive.

On a more genuine level, in high school I was kind of a dick on occasion to be funny and I took jokes too far sometimes and a friend told me that, and it really made me reassess how I was treating people and i made a very concerted effort to relearn how to listen and care about people and I still try (and fail!) to do that as best as I can.

I don’t know if I’ve ever read your work, but I’ve read a lot of Dan Savage’s columns over the years; and (with nothing but my own general sense of things to back this up) it seems like 80% of his questions begin with something like, “I’ve been with my partner for years and our sex life has always been fantastically amazing,” before proceeding to describe in detail how terrible and thoroughly unsatisfying things are.

Do you experience this phenomenon in the questions you receive? If so, why do you think people preface questions in this way? Or does this not happen to you, and most of your questions begin with something like, “I’ll be straight-up with you — my sex life is hot garbage.”

I see some of that, although I think the trend is less true now in advice columns than it was in the past, perhaps because of decreasing pressure to be in long term monogamous relationships these days.

I think people phrase it that way because it takes a LOT to admit to yourself that something in your relationship is bad, or that your relationship itself is lacking. That's very frightening! What if you present "too much" bad information and then the advice columnist tells you to break up with your partner? (A very cliched answer!). Then what do you do? This supposed "Expert" is telling you that your relationship is bad! But very few relationships are ALL bad ALL the time. So I think people just want to try to be fair to this person they're worried might be wrong for them, or they're clinging to hope that things aren't really that bad.

It seems that Online Dating Platforms and to a lesser extent Social Media platforms are drastically change the way that we date. For a host of reasons. Maybe it is the loudest voices prevailing but it seems like in general people are less happy with dating and relationships than they were before.

My question is how do you see society leveraging technology to course correct and make the dating/relationship experience better?

I am, perhaps unpopularly, a huge proponant for not using dating apps. (I am also in a relationship, so if anyone wants to be like f**k off, that is fair!! But I was single--NO DATES AT ALL!!--for four years before that, so I feel like I get the frustration).

Basically, it comes down to this, for me: most people say they feel worse when they use apps AND apps aren't so frequently successful that it seems worth it to me. To use a terrible metaphor, if you were working out and it was slow going but semi-fun and successful, then you'd be like, ok worth it. If, however, working out involved dropping a hammer on your toe repeatedly for 47 minutes and it only worked 2% of the time and then you started to feel bad about yourself because it wasn't working, no one would use gyms!

The truth is (at least in my mind) that you'll meet the person you want to date next when you meet them. And using dating apps might speed that up??? but it most likely won't. So if you want to use them in the meantime, or if it's worth it to you, great. But if they make you feel worse about yourself or about dating in general, WALK AWAY!

I feel like this neglects the main reason I myself use dating apps: there are just no other options. I'm in a university program that is overwhelmingly male, and the women in my social circle are all ina relationship already, or just not my type for whatever reason.

And it's not like I have a lot of opportunities to meet new people of the opposite sex either, even pre-covid. So how am I supposed to find a partner otherwise? I find the advice of "the right person will come when the time is right" rather disingenuous. I feel like the people who say this were simply very lucky, and I'm not in a position to have this kind of luck. So how else would you recommend I find a partner, if not by using dating apps?

I hear that, 100% and I'm really not trying to be flippant about how difficult it is to meet people offline. For me it took me four years of literally nothing and no one to have someone "come along," and it was a friend who I ended up being attracted to and it worked.

I do also fully acknowledge that COVID makes this much harder. And I want to be clear, because I wans't in my first answer, that dating apps are right for some people! I'm not trying to ban them or mandate that no one use them!! I just try to tell people that if it's making you feel worse, it's ok to stop using them. That doesn't mean you aren't open to love or whatever.

As a more specific answer to how to meet people--which is a VERY slow process!!! I am not ignoring that!!--the best suggestions I have are to make friends and then make friends with their friends. Get involved in hobbies online or in person (again, acknowledging that covid makes this harder!).

Again, use apps if you like them!!! I hear you!

Why do you think the current generation has such a weird fixation on casual sex being "better" than sex in established relationships?

The fact that people being "demisexual" is seen as "odd" is strange to me. I have nothing against casual sex but it seems to be a counter cultural push rather than a genuine interest.

I'm not sure which generation you're referring to, but if it's Gen Zers, I don't really see this from my younger siblings and their friends. I think for the most part, people across generations are pretty similar in that a good chunk of people don't prefer casual sex, and a good chunk of people find it really fun! But that's just what I've seen as someone who is 28.

Is it possible, in today’s time, for a man to write a sex & relationship column? What subjects or advice would he have to avoid to keep from being labeled a creep?

Absolutely, yes! In fact, I wish men would write and talk about sex more, especially because cis straight white men--who have been the ones to historically kind of make things weird/bad around sex--are not the only men! I think there's absolutely a way for a man (or anyone of any gender) to write a fabulous sex column without being exploitative or weird. I think anyone who writes about sex just has to be very compassionate and vulnerable.

I would not, for example, suggest a column where someone details their own sexual exploits. That seems dated, for one, but also creepy. I wouldn't recommend a column where someone opines about what other people SHOULD do sexually in order to be attractive. But there is so much space for men's horniness to be expressed in kind, loving, beautiful ways and it's not happening all that much right now in mainstream spaces. Or at least it's not getting supported.

What does your username on Twitter mean? I feel like there’s a relevant joke tweet or something that went viral that I can no longer remember???

Oh this is a fun one! My friend Devan Coggan--a brilliant entertainment writer now!--was sitting in AP Calc and trying to convince me to get on twitter and I told her that my dad would disown me if I ever did because he HATES social media, and that on top of that, no one would follow me and she said, "I would follow you!" and I said, "Great! I'll have one follower and no dad." I do actually have a dad and he's lovely and he still hates twitter.

You mentioned you have 7 siblings! I have some experience there as my mother was oldest of eight, but much different generation. How does that affect how you are today? Do you find yourself running toward a comparatively big family (3-4 children today) or running away from it? Why? There really was nothing better growing up than the mayhem on Sundays at grandma’s house, but I’m not sure if I could handle that in this era. When you have kids, what is your ideal?

I LOVE having a big family, it's been so integral to who I am as a person. My boyfriend is an only child and we just have such different frames of reference for certain things. In an ideal, non-warming world, I would have as many children as I could afford to have. Sadly, I live in an expensive city (by choice!), and the planet is heating up so it's hard for me to decide whether to have kids. I do love kids though! I would have a massive family if I could! My ideal is like 5 kids, but everyone thinks I'm nuts when I say that hahahah

When or how is appropriate to bring up a sexual thing you want to try with your partner if you have been previously been denied In the past? Not to come off as pushy or even press an issue the other isn’t comfortable with, but when can the issue be broached again? Any best ways of asking or talking about the topic with them ?

I think it depends a lot on how they turned it down in the past. If it was you asking one night, "Do you want to try X tonight?" and they simply said, "No" or "Not right now" or even "I have to think about it." Then you're in the clear to bring it up again another time, although I would bring it up outside of the bedroom.

If, however, you said in a not-during-sex conversation, "I'm really into X, would you ever try that with me?" and they said, "I am not interested in ever trying that," then I think you should not bring it up again. I think that will come off as pushy or pressure-y.

There's also some middle ground, and if you feel like they were open at all, you could say, "I still fantasize about doing X with you a lot, and I don't want to pressure you AT ALL, but if you're ever curious about trying it, I'd love to. Just let me know." You also may be able to come up with a creative way to fake doing that act without actually doing it. (A very first draft example, but if you're into anal and your partner isn't, you could agree to NOT put your dick in their butt, but to dirty talk as if you guys are doing anal). Get creative! That's the point of sex!!

There are apps designed for couples to figure out what kinks/sex acts each other is into without having to have a big long talk about it. Basically, you check off what you're into, they check off what they're into and then the app tells you what overlaps. Maybe there's something else you're both into.

Hey Sophia! I have two questions for you:

What do you find to be the most rewarding part of your work?

If you rewound time back to the start of your career as an intimacy columnist, what would you do differently?

Oh these are fabulous questions!

The most rewarding part of my work is when I get a response from someone who asked a question to me and they follow up and say that it helped them somehow, to realize what they wanted or needed to do. I mean, that's just beyond humbling if I played any part in that. I am so so so grateful that people give me glimpses into their lives. Not to be corny as heck, but it's an honor!

And if I had to start again, I think I would tell myself to pace myself a bit more. I tried to say yes to everything at the beginning, and I've always had a day job on top of writing (until the pandemic), so I really burnt myself out sometimes, which hurt the quality of my writing on occasion. So I'd tell myself to chill!

How much time do you take to craft a tweet? Also, if you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?

I would not eat myself, but I would eat other hot dogs!!!! If I ate myself that would be the last hot dog I ever ate, and I wouldn't want that. That said, if I were a slice of cake, I would not be able to resist eating myself I dont think.

The time I take to craft a tweet is the .3 seconds it takes me to think something. I really don't try to write good tweets--as pretty much anyone can tell, I think! I'm just franticly online.

I would not eat myself, but I would eat other hot dogs!!!!

Wouldn't that be a form of cannibalism?

YES IT VERY WOULD !!!

So, as one of 8 kids maybe you can appreciate this. How to talk to your kid (teen daughter) about sex - beyond 101. I know that letting them discover things on their own is an option but that didn't always work out so well for us PLUS... sex seems dialed up to 11 these days: Boys raised on porn, many levels of sexual preference, consent, and lack thereof...

I guess what I would like to say is: get to know yourself, your own body, what it is capable of, and what you like - before you start having sex - and then drop her off at a sex toy shop with a fist full of cash. But I can't help but feel more nuance is called for here. Do toy shops offer classes for the 18-year-old set?

What is a father to do?

I think it's definitely tricky to talk to a child of another gender than you about sex because of all kinds of reasons, so I sympathize!

I think the best things a parent can do are reiterate that sex is not shameful. I think parents should make it clear that sex isn't a big deal, but that some of the consequences from sex (pregnancy/STIs) can be. If you're confident that your daughter has access to protection and education about those risks, then you're doing great and you can focus on how sex is a fun thing to do with another person if you feel like it.

You have a lot of power to set the tone around sex in your house. So I would say try not to say judgemental things in front of your daughter about other people's sex lives or preferences, and if someone else says those things in your house, shut it down. Be clear on a couple of occasions that your daughter can talk to you about anything or ask you about anything and that if you don't have an answer, you'll find one. Also make it clear that she doesn't have to come to you specifically, but that you can help her find another adult as well.

Pressuring her into having specific sex conversations (outside of basics/safety) isn't much more effective in my mind than not having those conversations at all.

So just put out calm, non judgemental vibes. Set the tone that sex isn't weird or gross or embarrassing. It's just something people do. Deemphasize things like virginity and finding Someone Special and make it clear that you trust her to make choices that work for her, even if they aren't your choices.

You already sound like you're doing great!!!

Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it? Asking for a friend

If this is about chapsticks, yes. If I don't use it regularly, I do forget where I have put it and I often lose it.

If this is about sex, then no. 69% of sex is just being a good listener, so just stay in practice with that. (Very real study, very real number).

Last name pronounced as it looks with a “T” or more French like “Benwa”?

The second one! Benwa like the sex toy. (Benwa / Benoit balls are a sex toy).

With a rapidly growing population and the average age of motherhood and fatherhood getting older, do you think we will reach a point in society where surrogates and extracorporeal pregnancy will become the norm, or at least a commonly seen thing in society?

I think things like that might become the norm for rich people and in fact, you can kind of see that with surrogacy among celebrities and the super wealthy. I have a hard time seeing that as something the average person does or can afford to do, especially as the wealth gap widens.

What do you think about clit growing? It's been really taking off over the past 18 months on the r/GrowYourClit subreddit.

I don't know enough about it to give a valuable answer, but I'll have to look into it!

Recently I've been taking medication that makes it hard for me to finish. I still enjoy sex but my wife now feels bad that she can't get me to climax. Any advice on how to help her not blame herself? Because now she just rather not have sex at all until I'm done with the medication which will still be a month or so.

Ahhhh I loathe medication sexual side effects!! They're the worst! I feel for you so much!!!

I would be really honest with her about how this is making YOU feel, because frankly she's kind of making this about her, which I don't think she's doing maliciously or anything, but it's a little unfair. After all, YOU are the one dealing with the side effects and not being able to come. (I'm not saying her feelings aren't normal or reasonable, just that she can feel that way and still not have it affect you or your guys' sex life).

Here's what I would say, but put it in your words: "Babe, I LOVE having sex with you so much. I know I'm not able to finish right now, but that doesn't bother me personally, because I still love the feeling of being inside you (or whatever you love! Use your words!). I feel like the focus you're putting on my orgasm is kind of making sex feel pressured for us, when I really just want to have fun with you in bed. I am not worried about not finishing; I'm not worried about it for you, I'm not worried about it for me. This is just how sex is right now for us. I need us to work on a solution together for how we can keep being physically intimate, because right now I'm feeling kind of rejected because I'm not able to come and that makes me feel hurt." (I'm guessing at your feelings a lot in that, so please fill in the blanks with what is true for YOU).

Medical stuff happens! In fact, as you two age as a couple, it's likely to come up more and more. Good sex partners get that and talk about it and figure out what works in that stage. Sometimes metaphors help. If she had her arm in a cast, for example, you wouldn't be like, "I'm not having sex until you can jerk me off."

Would you recommend the Xbox Series S, or Xbox Series X?

Xbox Series S because my name starts with S. I know nothing else, but I think this is good advice.

My SO isn't into my kinks. Should we call it off?

It's ok if a partner not being seuxally compatible is a deal breaker for you! You are allowed to choose the sex life you want! You guys also might come up with a non-exclusive sexual agreement where you explore kinks with other people, but are romantically exclusive. Or something else! This is a normal deal breaker, though, even if it is very sad to have to break a good deal.

How much of your life is like Carrie's in Sex and the City? I assume it's basically a documentary.

It's the exact same. I can't tell you how often I walk across crosswalks with my three best friends with my perfectly coiffed hair in stilettos and an outfit that costs $6,248. My New York apartment has crown molding!!!!

But for real, I mostly just annoy my dog all day and eat a lot of snacks and read a bunch of romance novels. I do love shopping but the most expensive thing I own is my $100 winter coat, and I buy everything second hand now because of climate change. (I'm a lot of fun at parties!!!)

What's the single biggest factor other than hygiene and bad manners that is a turn off for members 9f the opposite sex?

I don't know that I can answer for everyone, but I have to say that if I could tell everyone of every gender (but especially straight cis men, sorry guys it's just true) one tip it would be to learn how to ask questions better and listen better. Many people know one but not the other, and people who dominate conversations turn almost EVERYONE off. They're awful to be around. So learn to listen! An easy tip is when someone stops talking for a second, wait an extra two seconds--they might have more to say. Don't rush in to fill the void. And ask questions!!! (If you're genuinely curious about a person, not in a weird pick up artist kind of way).

What's your favorite videogames, color and food?

I haven't played a video game I don't think since The Sims when I was in middle school. I am SO BAD at them. So, if the sims counts???? Then The Sims. Otherwise, I do love going to dave & busters and doing driving games or shooting games (problematic, but alas).

My favorite color is like a tobacco brown or an ochre color. A lot of leather couches are in that color now, and I LOVE IT.

My favorite food is probably cookie dough or a really good cake or donut. I have a sweet tooth now, which I didn't get at all until I was in my mid 20s. Ooooo also baguettes! You cannot beat a good baguette!

How many sexual partners have you had?

More than one and fewer than wilt chamberlain.

How do I get the loml back from her rebound relationship?

I'm obviously not sure of the particulars, but the love of your life is the person who is loving you well and presently and intentionally. If someone is in a relationship with another person, they are not the love of your life. They are someone you have love for, which is not nothing! It's beautiful and heartbreaking. But the truth of life is that you cannot make someone be in a relationship with you, you cannot just decide to "get someone back," because a relationship is not a gift another person gives you or a favor they do for you. A relationship is something you build together over time.

What ever happened to that old lady who had the cable sex show? Would you ever do something like that?

I'm not sure what happened to that show, honestly! I think a lot of people are doing something similar with podcasts, and doing so wonderfully. I would love to do a show or a podcast about sex and relationships. I love talking to people. People are fantastic!

Lately I've been spending time with a girl I really like whom I suspect likes me back, though it's hard to guage how much she does.. However she isn't single, I had an opportunity to ask her out last year but long story short I ended up missing my chance and have regretted it ever since. Based on information I've gotten from my friends it sounds like there's a chance she may not be too pleased with her current relationship, though I don't know the specifics on that. I really want to admit my feelings to her but don't want to be a snake and manipulate her situation because I value her happiness and definitely don't want to sour what we have between us, but I feel like I have to say something to her or I may regret staying silent for the rest of my life. Thoughts?

I would not say anything right now, personally. I would wait until I was aware that she was for sure out of her relationship. That said, I would also have a hard time with the fact that she is in a relationship with a person she's not into and instead of ending that, she seems to be seeking things out elsewhere. Is that what she'd do in a relationship with you if things got hard? I don't think it's a for sure no, but for me it would require a lot more information before I actually started something exclusive or serious.

Why are you a Sixers fan? (I am too and am just genuinely curious!)

I grew up playing and watching hockey, and I love watching sports with people who care about them. I also grew up in St. Louis--a city without an NBA team. (RIP Spirts of St.Louis/Hawks). But in college, the NHL had a lockout, so hockey stopped and ALL my guy friends loved basketball, so I started watching. I played as a kid, and I love the sport, but I got into watching for a while in college, but I had no team to root for. I was just hanging out.

In 2016 I started dating my boyfriend who is from Delaware (the only person to ever be from DE) and he was a MASSIVE, LIFE LONG sixers fan, and so he had the games on all the time and I just happened to get in while they were young and starting to get really good. So I hopped right on that bandwagon at the most fun time to be a philly basketball fan! I'm the worst!

How do abusive parents affect the children's adult sex life? How do they recover from it?

Abusive parents MASSIVELY affect their child's sex life as an adult, especially because abuse puts into your brain that there is some correct way to behave out there that would make the abuser happy and that you just have to try really hard to figure out what it is and accomplish that. That's a lie--nothing will make an abuser not an abuser--but it feels very, very real to your brain. So then, when you go to have any kind of relationship as an adult, sexual or otherwise, often your brain defaults to people pleasing to make sure that you don't get abused or hurt. It's a coping mechanism, and one that probably worked somewhat well at certain times.

However! Sex is very difficult to do if you're stuck in your own head, afraid that you're going to mess up somehow. That's not a great place to be coming from when you're going to poundtown.

I want to be clear, too that this is super super common and treatable and addressable, but it does take a lot of work. So how does someone recover from it? Usually it requires processing the trauma around the abuse and learning to build up your own self-esteem separate from pleasing another person. (I know that might seem ironic in a sexual context, but really learning how to be a little self-centered/self-focused can help a lot). It's not a short fix, nor a permanent one. Working on moving forward from parental abuse is sadly a life-long project. But therapy can help a lot. Also the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents" is very good.

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I'm TOTALLY stabbing in the dark here, but sometimes when you're too comfortable with a person, desire kind of wanes because desire is about not having someone and comfort comes from security. Basically, a lot of early on attraction, excitement and desire is built around low-level anxiety. It's possible that you got to the point where you felt SO comfortable with her that you weren't wildly and passionately sexually excited anymore. That's not all bad and there are ways to address it, for sure. I would strongly recommend Esther Perel's book Mating In Captivity and also her book State of Affairs (not that you were dealing with infidelity, but because she does cover the ideas of desire vs comfortability in both books).

If Rob Lowe could rob Lowes, how many Lowes would Rob Lowe rob?

16, the age of the woman in his sex tape.

Why are you answering hot dog questions and not the serious ones?

The hot dog questions are the serious ones.