IamA psychotic person. I've spent 120+ days in different 'mental hospitals'. I have stories, knowledge, advice, information and a past. AMA!

Does everyone in the mental hospital wear straight jackets and sit in a padded room?

No. Not even close.

I've got multiple friends and family members who suffer from a variety of mental illnesses that have led to suicide attempts. I have none so it's difficult for me to understand what they're going through.

What's your advice for people like me who want to help but have no idea how to approach them about it?

Honestly, the biggest thing you can do is care. You need to reach out to them, even if they don't reach out to you. It can be hard to reach out when you'd rather be dead. And when you reach out, just be supportive. Do the best you can to show them that you care about them, and you always will, no matter what they feel like, even if they're being rude, chances are it's the mental illness speaking. Just use your heart, if they know that you are there for them, care about them, and will continue to stick with them no matter what they go through, that's all you really can do. If you're not super close to them, just send them a message every now and then, asking hows it going, things like that. If it's someone you're close to, hugs are a big help. Just everytime you see them, try and give atleast one good hug. People need love.

This needs to be higher.

I've been through some bad bouts of depression, and it's the few people that do this, or like OPs dad throwing him a surreptitious $20 every now and then, that end up being your only remaining link with normality.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. A small wall might be blocking the light, but it's only a matter of time before you break through that wall.

Is there a friend, or group of friends who genuinely try to be there for you and help you in a positive way? Or perhaps a family member(s)?

After I was going through a month long phase of psychosis, I had a big falling out with almost every family member. I haven't talked to them since Christmas of 2014, except my mom, I text her I love her every now and then, because she did raise me 2/3 of the time and I know she loves me. The person who has been there for me the most, has been my dad. He didn't quite know how to cope with my problems, or how to help at first, but after a lot of direct communication over time, he is now my best friend. Me and him have gone through a lot. He's always wanted the best for me, and goes out of his way to make sure I'm okay, I'm happy, and if I'm not he's very good at helping me calm down about certain things. He also knows my financial struggle, so he slips me a $20 every now and then to help me along which is nice. I love my dad more than anything. I really hope I die before him, because to lose my father and best friend, with the relationship we have, would leave me never the same. - Finally, I do have a very small friend group who helps support me, but it's hard to get support when you need it sometimes if you're low on money for gas and whatnot.

I really hope I die before him, because to lose my father and best friend, with the relationship we have, would leave me never the same.

Do you realize how your death would impact your father?

My brother is in a similar situation as you, but with drugs instead of mental illness: He's overdosed several times, been in and out of rehabs for a decade, can't get or hold a job due to his problems, and has destroyed every personal relationship he's ever had. Granted, his problems seem more self inflicted, but the similarities are apparent.

He's often stated that if our mom or dad dies, he's going to try to OD because he doesn't think he can live with the pain, so he very much hopes that he doesn't outlive them.

What I've tried to convey to him without resolve is that his death would rip our family to shreds, and that our parents would eventually go to the grave feeling like they are worthless, failed parents who accomplished nothing in life.

In dying before them, he would by destroying the lives of everyone around him.

I can't claim to know how it feels to be in your shoes, but I do battle pervasive depression, and in dealing with my brother I have an inkling of where you're coming from. I hope you understand that life shouldn't be led or ended selfishly, because you're not just hurting yourself when you do so.

I completely agree. I would never take my own life, or cause my life to end, simply because I didn't want to be around when my father dies. Although I never want to realize my father is dead and will never return, it's more important that he doesn't have to deal with the loss of his son, because he would be devastated, I don't think he'd ever feel normal again.

Reminds me of a little story I read on here some time back, I think about it when the thought of losing someone close to me.

Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now, how could I help him? What should I tell him? Well, I refrained from telling him anything but instead confronted him with the question, “What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?” “Oh,” he said, “for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!” Whereupon I replied, “You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering—to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.” He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left my office. In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

Beautiful. Definitely saving that.

How did you (or anyone else) notice that your mental health was deteriorating?

It began with my very first serious relationship. I'll try and make this short. Two typical stoner high school kids, lost virginity too, etc. meet up, fall in love. Plan on being together forever. Well, my psychotic thinking started to take over after about 6 months of the relationship. Any guy she talked to, all I thought was what she said, did she flirt, does she like him, all of that. I was very paranoid of losing her, which caused me to constantly fight about stupid shit in our relationship. It got to a point where I told her we should break up because I was very suicidal/depressed, felt worthless, and that she'd be better without me. That's true, but that didn't mean I didn't need her. So as soon as she agreed to take time off to work on ourselves, I thought she was gone forever. I (being a stupid high schooler) texted my girlfriend about how I planned to kill myself. (The texts were sent at the end of last period, high school). I leave school walk out to my car, and my parents grab me, throw me in their car, child locks on, dont say a word and bring me to my first mental hospital ever. I was gone for a week, and I honestly felt like a new man, like I was just having a very bad day that let me to say that stuff, so when I got home, I had that same girlfriend over. Within an hour of meeting her at my house, she confesses that she has anorexia and body dysmorphia and is going to an eating disorder hospital soon, and that we were over. This caused all my problems to fall back on me, but 10x worse. So I went in a second time, to the same mental hospital. What do you know? I see her there while passing the other unit. She's got a feeding tube down her nose. And that's the last I ever heard of her. I still love her.

TO REALLY ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: I felt like my brain was detatched from my body, I knew I was suicidal and depressed, I had crazy psychotic thoughts, and more. Only my girlfriend noticed my mental illness at first.

Can I ask how you knew it was psychosis and not just depression? I'm going through something very similar.

Oh, at one point it was just depression. I had a bad episode of psychosis though that lasted about 3 months. The whole time I felt my brain was completely detached from my body. All of my body movements were pre-determined. Everything I said was pre-determined. Nothing felt real. Nothing. During those three months, I remember a few times while driving, I had the urge to just crash my car into, well, anything. Not because I wanted to die, but because it wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't die. Nothing would happen, because nothing was real. - Most psychosis sufferers don't experience it that bad all the time, only when something triggers it, the more mild case is just feeling like you don't exist, and basic confusion about normal things you'd usually understand. - depression on the other hand is a lot different than psychosis. Depression is an awful, awful illness. But if you had to suffer from psychosis or depression for the same length of time, you'd definitely choose depression.

Crazy psychotic thoughts upon reflection, or could you notice during when said thoughts were playing through your mind?

I don't quite understand what you mean by reflection. As in, I had the thoughts, and later realized when I reflected back that they were psychotic thoughts? If so, then yes, that's how it started. But overtime, I was able to notice my psychotic thinking when it started, and counteract the thoughts with facts that prove why my thinking was psychotic and how I can avoid it in the future.

This sounds a lot like some of the things I've gone through fighting anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Overthinking things, a lot of the time. What makes them psychotic thoughts, compared to anxiety/ocd/intrusive thoughts? Sorry I'm just not that familiar with it.

I'm going to give an example of my psychotic thoughts I experienced in my first relationship when I was young.

Example 1: I was a virgin, first girlfriend wasn't, had sex once. Me and her had sex many times, but the more I had sex with her, the more I thought about the first guy she fucked. I knew his name, and what he looked like. He went to my school. All i could think about was, what if she enjoyed him more? what if she still loves him? what if he wants her back one day and she takes him? she was talking to her friend who knows the guy who fucked her. what are they talking about? are they talking about him? does she still talk to him? - stuff like that. That wasnt a good example, it doesn't really give a good example of the psychotic part, just a very mild example. the more psychotic part was the delusions i created about the situation. for example, with the above scenario, i would of thought that she was having a second life without me, with a bunch of other guys, and was being a slut, well, i'd actually think that happened itd be fuzzy but i had that idea in my head and it just gets worse. its really hard to put into words. im sorry if this didnt make sense.

Have you ever had another relationship since then? Jealousy is a killer, man. It'll destroy all aspects of a relationship, and even someone's life.

Yes I did. She had a kid (not mine), and my jealousy/paranoia issues still existed but were much more tame than my first fucked up relationship. The closer we got, the worse it got. After like 4-5 months I was ending up back in the mental hospital, attempting suicide, etc. - A lot of it has to do with the girlfriends I chose. They, lets just say, probably were more messed up then me in the head. But hey, they were cute. I've recently got close with someone else, and have had no signs of jealousy or paranoia, and she's done a lot of things that the old me would have freaked the fuck out about.

On my nineteenth day (the day of my court hearing), I had two options once I met with my lawyer. A: deny being mentally insane, get sent back to the psych ward for probably six months+, or B: Go home that day, but agree to the stipulations and claims about my mental health.

I chose B, because who doesn't want to go home. The consequences that came with B are as followed: I can never own a gun again. I cannot miss a psychiatrist appointment. And I was deemed psychotic by the state of Wisconsin.

To any redditors that are thinking, "should I be outraged by this?":

To add some context, it sound like what my state calls an Alternative Treatment Order (ATO). It's an alternative to hospitalization. The state considers and wants to implement 1) the least restrictive measures that are 2) effective. Considering OP's reported psychosis, history of psychiatric hospitalizations, and suicide attempts, an ATO is very appropriate.

It's interesting that OP talks about the "consequences" of his choices, rather than "hey, I can be out in the community rather than be in a locked ward."

In my mind, I was stable and happy, and knew I was no longer a threat to myself. (Which remained true, ever since then [over a year] I've been happy, no depression/suicidal thoughts) So to me I thought the 19 days I stayed was enough rehabilitation, rather than having me plead that I am still mentally unstable and getting deemed psychotic by the state. Though going back on it, I would of went with the first option, which would be to get stuck back at the hospital for a longer amount of time, because I don't think they would've kept me that much longer considering since like the 5th day I got there all I talked to my doctor about was how happy I felt and better I am.

But I do see where you're coming from.

Why don't you do an online course to keep yourself busy? Ps I enjoyed reading this AMA it's very interesting and intriguing, thank you!

What type of online course? If they cost money, no thank you. What could I learn that would benefit me in the future?

Do you have any advice for people struggling with their mental health?

I have quite a lot of advice, though I don't really have advice for struggling with mental health in general. If I knew what their problems were that they were facing I could give an answer. Or just their main problem they're dealing with. But no, I don't have advice for people in general struggling with mental health. Just make sure you have insurance! I've used over $800,000 in insurance money to pay for my hospitalizations. In less than 5 years.

It sucks to see that someone's well-being has such a high cost. Beside that, what are some of the weirdest/scariest people you have encounted in said hospitals?

I have hundreds of stories of weird/scary people, so I'll just give you one from the child unit (before I was 18) and one when I was in the adult unit.

The child was a small blonde girl. Was never lucid, never made sense. Every activity we did, she would stare off, and mumble random shit. Although, atleast every hour, she would start seizing up and screaming numbers. The numbers were the names of the demons. "300" was the demon overlord apparently. She would start ripping her hair out while smashing her head on the wall. Everytime she did it, they had to give her a shot to calm her down. Everything she talked about when she was a little bit lucid, was 300, and demons. The creepy part is after she left (got transported to a very, very bad mental institution) I saw her notebook in the day room. Every page was filled with numbers all in reds/blacks. 90% of the numbers were "300".

In the adult unit, I came across a man who I thought was rather normal at first, he said he always went to video game tournaments and played people, which I thought was cool. Until I realized, when he was talking about who he competed against in the video game tournaments, it'd be some famous person every time. I heard james franco, tupac, eminem, michael jackson, and a few more. It doesn't end there though, he was convinced they all wore disguises. So he never actually saw the celebrities face, just their "mask" and "fake body". But he claims hes met them all and played video games with them. When he started thinking that I was a cuban man in disguise out to kill him, i did a straight 180 and never talked to him again.

Another adult, who was very, very, very mentally ill, was kind of fun to mess with. (Yes it was mean, but I wanted to explore their brains). He was convinced that I ate humans, just because I made a joke that I did to see what he would say. He believed it the whole 2 weeks I was there. He would run any time he saw me, we couldn't eat in the same cafeteria, one had to stay on unit, etc.

The first example sounds like something from a horror movie. Ever tried script writing?

It definitely does. I've had some pretty creepy interactions with her.

Tell us more!

Will try and get back to this - my mailbox is being so. fucking. flooded!

What is your favorite dinosaur?

I'm gonna have to go with... Velociraptor.

Turkey sized feathered version or big naked jurassic park version?

Hmm, definitely jurassic park version. But I'm sure the feathered ones are pretty badass.

Do you feel that the facilities you visited were able to help you enough?

Definitely, to an extent. My mental health was in such bad shape that almost the only way I'd ever feel happy, or normal again, is if I agreed to start medications. I was a guinea pig for a while with medication, but once you find the right set, and you combine it with the right therapy/facility, you have a much higher chance of feeling "normal" once again. If you only suffer a small case of depression, with no suicidal ideation, then yes, a good facility (like Roger's) might be able to help them overcome their depression without the use of medication.

How does it feel to have a gun threatened when you get pulled over by the police? Do you think it's an overreaction?

Personally I think it is definitely an overreaction. I have never harmed anyone, and never, ever, plan on doing that. None of my mental health problems have anything to do with violence. Although I do understand why they approach me like that, because in the system when they look me up, all it says is something about being Psychotic by the state of Wisconsin.

How are you doing now mentally? Does your financial situation increase the risk for (renewed) mental health problems?

Mentally, I have been happy for 1 year as of last week. Not one sad or depressed day. I am happy. I have many beautiful pets that I adore with all my heart, and not only that but 7 months ago I was on 6 (maybe 7) medications. Today, (08/19/2016) I am on one medication. An anti-depressant. I was able to completely get off of: Vyvanse (Amphetamine), Klonopin (Benzodiazapine), Prazosin (Nightmares), Trazodone (sleep/depression), Latuda (anti-psychotic), mirtazapine (sleep/depression), gabbapentin (restlessness), now I am down to just mirtazapine.

Mentally, I have been happy for 1 year as of last week. Not one sad or depressed day. I am happy.

I am glad to hear that. And being on just one medication is also very good. Would you say you'd be able to work in the future or do your mental health issues always pose a "relapse risk" when put under the stress of having to adhere to a pre set work schedule?

Unfortunately with my diagnoses, and the way my brain works, working again would be almost impossible for me. I would say there'd be a 95% chance of relapse. The only exception would be if I could work from home, fixing computers remotely or something. But it's so hard to find a reliable company looking for hardworking employees, that treats and rewards them as they should be.

Although with my money situation, I'm gonna have to figure something out within the next few months if I don't want to be homeless. But that's the future, so I'm going to focus on the present.

There are different kinds of work these days that adheres to your schedule. App based service jobs are awesome, like one dog-walking app called WAG. Worth a look.

I actually do pet sitting as sort of a side job every now and then. Not a lot of money, but it's better than none. Care to clarify about WAG? Do you get the app, and make a profile offering to walk dogs for x amount of money? Or what?

Thank you

https://wagwalking.com/ i think. Should have more info.

I'll definitely check it out, thank you!

Just a question about mirtazapine, did it make you want to eat everything in sight as well? Currently on 30mg and I feel like I'm never full. Side note, doing wonders for the depression though. First time medication has worked for me.

Definitely. Mirtazapine has been known to cause "munchies" similar to marijuana. I take 45mg, but I take it right before I lay down for bed. After I wake up the hunger is gone for me. Do you take yours at night as well?

What pets?

I have a 4 month old Border Collie, and year and a half old tabby cat. Though my cat is evil.

How did you know to stop taking your meds?

Disclaimer: Never stop taking your meds without your doctors approval.

How I knew to stop them, well, I started with the ones I knew I didn't need. Gabbapentin did nothing for me, at all. Stopped it. Klonopin I don't need every day, only when I have a panic attack, so basically stopped. Vyvanse gives me energy and motivation, but it's a stimulant so I felt I didn't need it, though that's probably why I have no motivation ever. My anti-psychotic, well, I don't know. I was stupid. I slowly weened off of it, but still, that's very dangerous. It didn't affect me though. It's just a process of elimination really.

I'm sorry to ask this but you describe how you have so little money and require a loan from a family member, but you also have at least 1 cat, 1 dog, and you smoke.

You're obviously entitled to do whatever makes you happy, but if money is an issue then why wouldn't you give those things up? At least the smoking. Even 1 pack a week, which no smoker I know smokes that little, is 5% of your monthly income.

It usually is 1 pack a week, as my friend gave me his old vape with a bunch of juice. I cannot give up pets, never. They are all I have, and I know I can always trust them, they make me feel safe. Yes I do need to quit smoking completely, but I have a very addictive personality.

I am not trying to be a buzzkill or anything but I thought Iama didnt allow mental health AMAs?

I didn't know that. Well, this will probably be removed within 2-3 hours.

I hope not. Mental health issues as well as other disabilities need all the awareness and understanding they can get.

I agree.

I make $498 monthly from disability, and receive a whopping $16 for food stamps.

That doesn't seem at all sensical. What part of the country are you in, if you don't mind me asking? I was unemployed in my mid-20's and received food stamps for a few months until I found a decent full-time job.

I am/was childless and was living in a cheap apartment at the time... they gave me $250/mo in food stamps.

Wisconsin, USA - I was getting 198 a month for foodstamps, but since I'm on disability making just under 500, it shot down to $16. Not sure why, but it's literally the main reason I consider myself poor, because my little extra money I have has to go towards food, lol.

Same here, $194 to $25. I was not prepared for that

It's pathetic. It truly is.

Do you happen to hate Wisconsin?

Honestly, I love the state of Wisconsin for the people, and the culture, but I hate the officials anywhere in Wisconsin. (Doctors, Judges, Cops, Etc.)

Do you feel that the employees of mental hospitals genuinely care about the patients?

Some do, some don't. I was never treated bad, but you can definitely tell who actually cares about their patients. Although my few stays at Rogers Memorial hospital, was honestly like a vacation, with therapy, doctors, support, good food, and more. Every nurse and doctor seemed like they ACTUALLY gave a shit.

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My hobbies? I self medicate, and sit on my couch all day doing nothing but playing with my pets and going on Reddit. It's hard to get into a hobby I'd enjoy with little money, so for now my hobbies are doing nothing. It's not that fun. But I get by.

Do you consider yourself artistic at all? You should definitely write about your experiences or use your experiences to create some type of art - paintings, fiction stories, whatever. No intention to offend, but i bet people would find great intrigue in trying to interpret the art work of someone that has been institutionalized.

I would love to write about my experiences and stories, though I'd have to figure out what style to write it with. Though I am scared to do that, because if I spent a lot of time going through my past and pulling out the stuff people want to read, and then nobody cares or reads it, I'd feel pretty shitty... so maybe in the future, I guess.

I hope some one can give you some finical advice soon, you shoild be able to enjoy your self.

It'd be nice, but I don't expect to get any financial advice soon. With my budget, it's almost impossible to come out ahead. Hopefully in a few years I'll find a way to make some extra cash so I can enjoy myself.

Hey. Just some advice for things to do.

You can take up sketching. Just need pencils and paper. Or you can start looking into the plant life around you. You just need the outdoors and the Internet. There are also definitely ebooks you can download for free via torrent, if you want to get into literature. There are also a shitton of free courses/lectures online from big universities ranging from history to psychology. And there are plenty of podcasts that are either humorous, informative, or both. You can also get into running, though you would eventually need to buy a good pair of running shoes. But I think in general being outdoors is good. Maybe start tree climbing (I'm not kidding), or finding places nearby to volunteer. Some areas have free meditation groups, dance groups, etc. If you can ever get the money for a skateboard, there's that. You can easily get one for between 30 and 50 bucks. Which is definitely money but if you can ever save for that or get your dad to buy you one, it'll be super fun. You can also learn how to make things from trash, like a diy engineer thing. I personally have never tried it but I know people often do that sort of thing. I'm sure there's an online community for it. You can also buy a ukelele for 25 to 30 bucks. That's always great, music is beautiful therapy and creative expression changes a lot.

Hope that helped!

I'll keep those things in mind, thank you!

Exercise is a great hobby - It can be free, and it does great things for keeping me somewhere close to the edge of sane. I really can't imagine being happy for a whole year, I get excited when it's been a week since I considered suicide.

Thanks for the suggestion. I actually have started working out last month, and it definitely is a good hobby, but my body can only handle so much excercise, and I'm very limited on what type of workouts since I have a fractured foot. :(

I was almost put into a psychiatric ward when I was 14, and I'm glad I resisted. It would've totally made me believe I was a "crazy person" and sent me into a faster spiral. I can relate, through a lifetime of mental illness (manic depression, GAD) and a long like of mentally ill relatives. My sister is bipolar and also manic depressive with tendencies to be a pathological liar, my mom is extremely dictated by her bipolar disorder and has been on multiple medications in her life, my brother is also manic depressive, and my uncle is a paranoid schizophrenic who just got released from prison for murder a few months ago.

I've come close with attempting suicide, mostly with gutting myself. But I've made it far, and really appreciate hearing "success" stories, however much you consider yourself successful (even though you really should).

May I ask if your childhood/adolescence had any large impact on you?

P.S.

I wanted to do an AMA like this one on my main account but the mods wouldn't let me.

My childhood did have a major impact. My mom and dad divorced at age 3. When I hit age 15, I had lost my parents marriage, only to lose a step-dad and a step brother after my mom got married again and divorced 3 years later. Same situation with dad, except I lost a step-mom and step-sister 3 years after their marriage. So they're both divorced now. Until they both meet someone new. Well, 3 years after marriage, my mom gets another divorce so I lose another step dad. She got married 2 years later to another guy with 2 kids. My dad got married again and has stayed in this marriage for the longest one yet. I believe this really affected my trust issues. I find it very hard to trust anyone, and a lot of my psychotic thinking has to do with trust, or being given up on/left behind.

Another big impact during my adolescence (age 15) was when I came upon a sheet of blotter acid. (sheet = 100 tabs of acid)

I dropped 1 tab every friday night, and then 2 every saturday night, until they were gone. I was in school during the weekday, but this was also while I was reallly hitting puberty hard. So in my opinion, I think the acid really has left some mental health issues behind but I don't know which illness it contributed to. All I know is, it didn't help. At all.

I was never abused/mistreated, but I was always on my computer or doing drugs because my parents cared more about their new spouse.

Man that's rough. You said you have been happy for a year now? I can never properly describe what it's like going every day always feeling something bad is going on. It's like there's a weight in my mind and it never goes away. It literally seems like a weight that I can't snake out of my brain. That's the best description I can really give, what's yours? Can I hear your description of how the happiness feels in place of how you felt before?

I can relate to the multiple divorces and cycling through patents. I also have trust issues. My current gf (first real one ever) and I are 10 months in. At first I was very jealous and paranoid like it explained you were in another comment. Even her friends from childhood worried me! But it terrified me since I had (and have) been working on my actions, thoughts, and ideals to feel less.. desensitized? Basically I was terrified of being "crazy" and a bf who is overly jealous for no reason, and am no longer that way (as bad). I'm much better for it, and I'm glad I was able to even influence it.

Drug abuse also ran (runs) rampant in my family, so I've never touched them. I most likely never will. Thank you for the rapid reply.

I can't really describe my happiness now, but if I were to compare my feelings from before to now using one word, before I found happiness I would describe my feelings as: Nothing - I didn't care about anything, anyone, including myself. There was no reason to do anything, because it all meant nothing.

But now that I've been doing good for over a year, in one word, my feelings now would have to be: serenity.

And about the paranoia/jealousy, I too have slowly gotten a lot, lot better at it. I would say I've improved at controlling my jealous/mistrust thoughts towards a SO by 10 fold.

So i worked on an adult behavioral unit for about 2 years. Cimpliance with medications was horrible due to side effects. I often felt conflicted as the meds would cause just as many problems as they fixed. However, it kept the individual somewhat more grounded. My question is, have you ever found a combination of stabilizers and antipsychotics that actually worked for you?

The best combination for me, was Latuda for anti-psychotic, paired with mirtazapine and trazodone at night. That was my happiest days. I'm still happy on just mirtazapine, but there are some minor symptoms showing I have to try and avoid.

Have you ever had a bad Doctor? One who was rude or uncaring and thought of you as nothing but a crazy person with no logically thinking?

Yes. Not being racist, but he was Arabian and I was a teenager (my first psychologist), so half the time I never understood him. This ended up with him prescribing me Effexor (DO NOT EVER TAKE EFFEXOR EVER IT WILL FUCK YOU.) and many other awful psychiatric meds. When I was freaking out a few weeks later because of these meds, I went back into him, and told him my symptoms he needs to treat because the meds he gave me aren't working. He said okay, we will make an appointment and switch your meds. Find out later, he called me mom, told me I was discharged as his patient, he will not refer me, and that I was high all the time, and wanted controlled substances from him. Which those last two never happened. lol

He was a prick.

Other than that, they've all been pretty good.

First off, I have a lot off respect for you for doing this. It can't be easy. My wife current works with psychotic persons so I know it's very hard.

My question is: Where do you want to go with your life and where do you think your life is actually headed?

Where do I want to go? I want to be able to move out of state, start fresh, and try and look for a good paying job that I know I'll be able to handle and not quit/walk out/be hospitalized within the first three months. But if you want to know where my life is actually headed? I live in a shitty apartment, and I'm assuming I'll be here another 5 years. If or when I do move out, it'll probably be to another shitty apartment, but hey it's new so its better. I probably will live most of my life single except casual sex considering I can't support a girlfriend/wife and definitely not kids. I honestly don't know where it's heading... I just know, it's not gonna be good.

You've stated that you're down to only one medication now, and that you feel great, however you say that you can't work. Maybe you should have stuck with some of the other meds, maybe even as PRN's so that you'll be able to work. What is your diagnosis? Why do you think you have a 95% chance of relapse if you work? Doesn't make sense to me. I've seen hundreds of mentally ill patients through every spectrum of diagnoses who, with the right medication can have a normal and productive life. Sure, some of the more psychotic people with schizophrenia, the ones who can not function in society, are unable to work, but they are usually sent to state facilities or group homes. Some live alone, and manage OK with the right meds but they are usually followed by a DMH case manager and psychiatrists to ensure they are taking their meds. So what makes you unable to work or go to school?

I've worked while on all my proper medications, and it wasn't easy. I'd sleep 12-14 hours a day, be restless until I sleep again, constantly feel like a zombie, hard to make and hold conversations.

Off my meds, I sleep much less, no restlessness, don't feel like a zombie, I can hold a conversation, but I'm more prone to relapsing, because stress especially from working, has caused me to go from stable to having a breakdown that lasts months. It's 6AM where I am so I'm tired typing this, I can't really give good examples because I'm not even making sense in my head. I have lots of psychotic thinking, on or off meds. And trust me, I've tried plenty of different meds to control it. But it's always there, and at work, the psychotic thinking slowly gets worse and worse the closer I get to employees/customers/etc.

I believe I stated it previously, but I would love to work from home if I could as I'm very skilled in IT but again it would have to be a remote job from home and it's hard to find one that actually has decent pay. Working at home means I won't have to deal with the daily stress of working in public, and it diminishes my psychotic thoughts a lot when I'm working on my own.

How did you react when you were diagnosed with being psychotic?

What was it like before you went into your first mental ward? Did you always think there was something different about you prior to your first time?

I didn't react much at all. I didn't realize how serious it was, to be deemed psychotic by the state of Wisconsin. I was just happy to go home. Over time I slowly realized how shitty this is, and the shitty situation it's put me in.

Edit: Part 2: Before I first went in, I was very depressed, paranoid, and jealous. 90% of it had to do with my girlfriend at the time. I was dropping acid every weekend for months before most of my symptoms really showed, but after I stopped that I was able to take a step back and realize that something about me is fucked up. I always thought I would be a father, that has a masters degree and makes enough money to support a family, and have money for leisure. And that's how it was going until I hit sophomore year. That's when everything went to shit. And now I'm left knowing I'll never be able to achieve my dream. Hell, I probably won't be able to afford to get the hell out of Wisconsin for another 5-8 years at least.

In my life (age 12-18) I've spent over 2,000 days in the system, at least half of that time in mental health facilities. I was a ward of the State, Wisconsin as well. I was in no way mentally unstable, in my case my father was deployed, and my care takers fell ill, however because of how the system works, when a bed at a group home, or academy wasn't open, you went wherever one was, even juvenile detention. I was mainly held at the Eau Claire Academy for close to 3 years, and then went on to my foster home where I stayed until I was 18. I've seen, and experienced quite a few things that should have NEVER been allowed to happen to a child, or even an adult during my time in the system. One thing I've come to learn years later is that the pills I was force fed were being tested on me, and others for FDA approval trials such as Seroquel in 96, and a handful never made the cut.

My questions to you are, 1st, have you ever been, or heard any of the stories about Eau Claire Academy? 2nd, were you also used as a guinea pig for any of these 40 meds you were placed on, and 3rd, did you experience or witness any neglect, or abuse? If so did anyone report it, and what was the outcome?

My experience in the system taught me many things, but the most important thing is that many of these children, and adults are voiceless, they need an unbiased advocate who will listen, and believe them! I now work with children, and made it my goal to be that voice, I know what it is like to go unheard, and hope to reach as many people as possible. Thank you for taking the time to answer all these questions.

1. I have never heard any stories about Eau Claire Academy, though I'd love to hear some if you want to PM me.
2. I was never given medications not FDA approved, but I have been pushed certain medications because they're paid more to prescribe that over the other options, even though chances are the other option is better for you, and they know that, but they care about the money.
3. I did not witness any neglect or abuse, atleast not that I can remember. Only thing I witnessed a staff member do wrong, was talk about past patients using their names and telling crazy shit about them (girl who would finger herself all day door wide open, etc.) - but that's all i remember. Major HIPAA violation, but no one reported it. I have heard of maaany abuse/neglect stories, but not at any of the facilities I've stayed. I always stayed at what most people would consider a upper class mental facility. I would love to work with adolescents as well, as I have experience in what they might have gone through and I can relate a lot better, but I think with my mental health record I have no chance.

So my brother has autism and went to school for about 16 years. When he graduated the pressure was of and he had to much free time and nothing to do. I also think he drunk to much coffee. This together somehow caused his psychosis (I hope that is the correct English word). Therefor I always thought that mental issues were caused by bad experiences/things in life.

Following your story that does not seam to be the case. Do you know what caused your mental illness? or is just something in your brain?

I cannot give you the real answer as to what caused my mental illness. But what I, myself, think caused my mental illness, was going through my parents 6 different marriages, losing close step parents/siblings, so I feel like that created my trust/paranoia issues. I sat on my computer every day after school till I went to bed, every day, until I was about 15. I was dropping LSD every weekend till all 100 tabs were gone, after I did all that acid, I feel like everythings kind of been a blur since. I regret doing that, because honestly, I have a good feeling that like 75% of my illness was triggered by the acid.

Do you do anything to express yourself artistically (writing, painting, stand-up, etc.)?

I like writing, I love to paint but whenever I'm about to paint something, I think of like 100 different things so I sit there for 10 minutes before I give up because I can't decide.

I see that you mentioned your financial difficulties. Do you have any plans or ideas, perhaps some long-term goals, on how to solve the financial situation you are in ? I am curious about what a solution from your standpoint might be.

I'm very skilled in IT, so I'm hoping one day I'll find a job I can work at home that will be able to support me better. Who knows. I'd love to be able to code, but my brain can't seem to handle it. I've tried learning several different times.

Thanks for doing this AMA. My question is, when you are more lucid/level after being deep in psychosis, how much of what you said or did while in psychosis can you remember? Can you remember the details of what you said and did and thought?

I don't remember anything I said or even did while I was in my worst psychosis episode. Over a year later since that episode though, I remember how it made me feel mentally, and I only have one image of the whole experience stuck in my brain. Me sitting on my bed, talking, (all the words just came out, no idea what they were), and I felt as if I was just watching myself speak from 3rd person.

A few questions. 1. Are any family members similarly affected? 2. Do you attribute anything (MJ use) to starting your psychosis? 3. Which medication works best/worst for you.. and why?

My mom and her two sisters all have some mental illness, I'm not a doctor but if I had to guess, they'd all suffer from a mild case of OCD, and definitely some type of personality disorder. Though I never tried analyzing my families mental illness because it's not my business. 2. At first I attributed my marijuana use to my psychosis, but have come to the realization it was more than likely amphetamine-induced psychosis (prescribed, of course. a very high daily dose). 3. That's tricky, it depends. The best medication for my panic attacks and anxiety? Klonopin. The best medication for controlling my paranoia and psychotic thinking (to an extent), Latuda. The best medication for anti-depressant? A combination of trazodone and mirtazapine. Do not assume what worked for me will work for you. There are a lot of factors before knowing what med would probably be best for you.

The state buys you cigarettes?

If you want to put it that way, sure. Since I'm disabled, and unable to work, the state pays me. (half of what a minimum wage worker makes...)

Wisconsin minimum wage is 7.25, that's $580 a month before taxes.

Depends on the employment. If you're full time working 40 hours, it's $290 a week, before taxes.

Are u one of those who call out people mental now?

I call out mental people in my head, not in an offensive way, but it's easy for me to tell what a person is most likely suffering from. I would never talk bad about anyone with mental health struggles. It's hard. But I do notice fellow misfits like myself all the time.