I'm an award-winning sex and relationship expert and resident sexologist for Astroglide who has been featured on Playboy TV. AMA!

Edit: Jesus Christ, you guys are heartless bastards sometimes. I'm glad everyone was able to diagnose my life so fully from the two paragraphs I wrote here. Fuck right off.

Great question! Here's what I suggest:

1. Ask her what she wants in bed? What can YOU do to give her more of what she wants?
2. Consider lifestyle factors that may be related to her decreased interest in sex (kids, household chores, fitness, diet, stress). Can you help with any of these?
3. Break your request down into something specific (e.g. I’d like to try this toy/prop - what do you think?) as opposed to a general request for more sex or more variety, which can come across as a complaint.
4. Rather than focusing on romance, focus on PASSION in your lives - not just in the bedroom. What can you do to get your adrenaline pumping together? How can you create more excitement and mystery in your day-to-day interactions - this is more likely to translate into passion in the bedroom than working on romance because the chemical reactions during passionate love and companionate love are different: adrenaline, serotonin, dopamine vs oxytocin and vasopressin. You want to engage in activities that activate the first group of chemicals.
5. Tell her just how serious this is. Tell her that sex is important to you and you need to make a change for the relationship to work.

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Ah - with this new info, I have a better understanding. A drop in sexual desire is perfectly normal if she’s dealing with depression. I would really focus on offering support in this area (depression is the real issue - sex is just a symptom).

On another note, would your partner be open to you checking out Adult WebCam sites? You could do it on your own or together if you both consent…

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Comfort can kill attraction - happens all the time with newly weds. Talking about it doesn't work - you cant really negotiate desire. Even if she agrees, she won't be that into it as it isn't coming from a primal place. You said you spend all your free time together - that may be the issue. Try spending less time together and focus on your own hobbies. There's a reason it's called 'sexual tension' and not 'sexual comfort'. Give it a shot.

This is great advice! More time apart is key to a hotter relationship.

You can also find some great resources about keeping the spark alive on Astroglide's blog: here, here, and here.

what was it like being in school for a PhD in human sexuality? how did people at grad school react when they ask what you're studying and you say 'human sexuality.'?

did you have any specific career in mind when you chose to pursue a doctorate in human sexuality?

would you recommend doing post-grad in human sexuality to kids in college who are just floundering around, and who also have more than a passing interesting in human sexuality?

People still react strongly when I tell them what I do for a living. Somehow having sex is perfectly normal, but studying and talking about it makes people uncomfortable.

I wouldn’t recommend human sexuality as an academic pursuit unless you’re really interested in a career in the field. An if you are interested, I suggest you take a traditional route (e.g. nursing, social work, psychology) and then specialize or take courses in sexuality. You’ll have more options when you graduate.

When I was in school, I was hoping to graduate and work full-time with teachers and schools. When I graduated, however, I realized that these jobs simply don’t exist. I moved into writing, speaking and media and I love it! I travel every week to exciting cities/countries and get to work with people from so many different cultures. I do more learning than teaching:)

And I still get to volunteer in schools when I’m back home in Toronto.

Dr jess what makes good sex?

Pleasure and passion!

You can make sex pleasurable by simply asking your partner what they like. More here? Faster? Slower? Harder? Use your hands, lips, tongue, breath and every other body part you can think of. And make sure you learn to both give and take.

You can make sex more passionate by making it part of an escape from reality. Whisper in your partner’s ear. Let them play a role they wouldn’t normally play. Weave a fantasy for them and stroke their ego. Tell them just how badly you want them (and how intensely they’re desired by others too).

Ultimately, each person’s definition of good sex differs, but most people like orgasms and connection! Your question is, in fact, a great one to ask your partner! Instead of talking about kids, money and work over dinner, ask your partner: what makes good sex, in your opinion?

I recently ended a relationship because I figured out that my partner was cheating on me. We were having unprotected sex, so I want to get tested. If I do it all at once am I good to go, or are there things that I could get that might not show up on a test right away?

STIs have different incubation periods, which means that some take longer to show up in terms of symptoms and test results. Check out this handy chart: https://www.stdcheck.com/blog/how-soon-get-tested-for-stds-unprotected-sex/

Everyone should get tested regularly even if you’re using condoms. You’ll need to ask your healthcare practitioner which STIs they’re testing for (often you’re not tested for HPV, for example, if you’re not showing symptoms).

That chart doesnt show HPV. Is this because it can remain dormant for so long?

I think it's because a separate test is required for HPV and you have to request it. Average incubation period is 2-3 months, but it can be much longer and some people are entirely asymptomatic.

Hello Dr. Jess,

Whenever I engage in intercourse it hurts a lot. In spite of enough lubrication. I have been fortunate to have a very patient and understanding husband but I want to find a solution to this problem. Could there be something physically wrong with me?

It’s possible that it’s a physical issue. I have to emphasize that I’m a PhD - not a medical doctor. Have you seen your healthcare provider? I would recommend that you visit your doctor, but also visit a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist. They get right “in there” and give you exercises that are specific to your issue (it’s not just about doing kegels -- in fact, you may be hypertonic, in which case kegels can do more harm than good).

It’s also possible that you’re not turned on/relaxed. Mindfulness and CBT can help with this. Some people experience vaginismus -- the muscles clamp up so tightly that it feels like you can’t even insert a Q-tip. There are some online resources to help with this and you can work on breathing and relaxation while working with dilators. But the first stop is a good healthcare practitioner. And I can help you to find a pelvic floor therapist too if you let me know where you’re located.

Thank you so much Dr. Jess. Im located on the other side of the globe in India, but I shall definitely take your advice into account and visit a professional. Thank you for replying.

This website might help. Good luck! http://www.urogynec.in/non.html

Thank you so much Dr. Jess! You are so helpful!!!

My SO had major pain, bleeding and cramping during intercourse (after a hysterectomy) She had to find a Urogynecologist who referred her to a pelvic floor PT. After just a few visits, we were back to normal, probably better than before. It is a newer branch of medicine and not widely known.

I'm so glad to hear this! Thanks for sharing:) Pelvic floor PTs can really help to work wonders. Let's keep spreading the word.

I too had that issue. I never really mentioned it to my gynecologist because I thought it was a psychological thing. There were times when intercourse wasn't painful at all, then there were times when it was unbearable. I ended up having a complete hysterectomy after an ovarian cyst ruptured. Turns out I had a severe case of endometriosis. Now there is no pain at all with intercourse. I could have saved myself 9 years of stress if I had spoken to my doctor more openly.

And doctors can help by asking more questions about sexual health too:)

Maybe you can give me direction. About 6 years ago I lost all interest in sex. My husband and I had only been married about a year and had had a really healthy sex life until then. I have talked to multiple doctors with the only recommendation being to get on birth control, but the hormones make me crazy and I was told that the copper IUD probably wouldn't be a good fit for me. I was on Nuvaring for 6 months, but it didn't do anything but make me over emotional. I talked to a therapist for a few months, but even with all the suggestions I still completely struggle to feel any desire. My husband tries to be understanding, but after 6 years it's hard. It's really starting to take a toll on our marriage. What would you suggest?

Loss of interest in sex is very common. You’re not alone.

Did something change a year into marriage? Were you trying to have kids? Did your lifestyle change (e.g. exercise, sleep, diet)?

I’m not sure why birth control would be recommended to boost libido...Most of the women I work see a decline in sexual desire when they go on the pill.

Are you exercising regularly? Even just 7 minutes a day can have a huge impact on your libido: The Scientific 7 Minute Workout Video - Bodyweight Only Total Body

I took out my mirena because it was causing pain, got pregnant immediately and miscarried at 8 weeks. I got pregnant a month after that with my 5 year old. I'm certain that's a huge piece of the puzzle, but that was 6 years ago and I did talk to a therapist after my daughter was born. Edit: I'm pretty good about doing a 10 minute workout 75% of the time.

Awesome! Re: the workout:)

Children change everything. Losing interest in sex after having a child is very common. And the loss of interest (coupled with getting in the habit of NOT having sex and sleeping less) can really quash libido. Do you fantasize? Read erotic novels? This can help...

I've tried. Read novels, tried to think back on times of when I felt a lot of desire and pleasure in certain situations and there's just nothing. It's just so frustrating when I know there are certain factors that hinder it, but I feel like I'll never be back to "normal" again. Or even to a point where I can want sex with my husband and it won't cause fights or a disconnect.

I'm no doctor, just some guy on the internet who is married and one child.

Before i say what might be the issue, i will point out that you've been very careful, whether consciously or not, to specifically say that you aren't interested in sex with your husband. Think on that for a minute. And it leads into my main point of comment.

Sounds to me like it's mainly a passion issue (to use the doctors term from above). Men and women are built for each other sexually, but there are many more things that are involved with sexual attraction than just the physical, especially for women. Look, i know you love your husband and you probably even still find him attractive, but not wanting him, like really, really wanting him so bad that you can't stand it and you need him to bend you over and take care of business and take care of his woman--not wanting that, is more to do with the mental, physiological nature of attraction. I believe you have an attraction issue over a sexual issue for him.

So that begs the question: how do you find that sexual attraction and desire for him?

Well, you can't. No really. It's gotta be something that he does to increase your desire for him. Think back to when you did have lots of sex and sexual desire for him, i bet you can think of specific things he did, didn't do, or external players (other women) that drove you to desire him. Now that you're married you've gotta figure that out together via good ole fashion communication. Blame has nothing to do with it, as these things just happen sometimes. And it can't be done solely on the shoulders of one partner, both have to be working on this.

TLDR: you have an attraction issue, not a sexual one. Find new (or old) ways that make you desire him. Let him know what he needs to do, what worked in the past, and then let him figure out ways to build back that desire from you, and finally, most importantly, you've gotta be a participant, guide him, and work just as hard as him at this

Edit: for the comments suggesting this can be fixed solely by the woman because it's her issue.

Look, this isn't some high school relationship, I'm talking about marriage (long term relationships intending to be together forever count too). There are wifely duties, and there are husbandly duties. The woman needs to take care of the man. The man needs to take care of the woman. It goes both ways, that's what marriage is. If one falls behind and stops doing their duty to their partner and doesn't try to fix it, then they are at fault and causing an unhealthy relationship. In this comment thread I'm assuming OP is in a healthy relationship where both partners want to fix things and maintain a sexual attraction. If that's the case, then my advice stands as is. It's still on both of them, not one or the other. I agree it is wrong for one person to stop being sexually attracted to their partner, but isn't it also wrong for the other partner to stop doing the things that made the other sexually attracted to them in the first place? That's all I'm saying, communication needs to be had between the partners and they both must look at themselves and the other to figure out how to resolve the situation and improve their marriage/relationship.

Good advice!

Hi doc. This may be a silly question. But I want to know (from a male perspective) is possible to go from a 'one and done guy' to being able to have multiple orgasm?

I find that as soon as I ejaculate all emotion is gone in a heart beat.

Some men do learn to have multiple orgasms - but many of them learn to have orgasms (high intensity pleasure and pelvic floor contractions) without ejaculating. The first step is strengthening your pelvic floor. Read this too: http://www.nateliason.com/multiple-orgasms-men/ It’s not perfect, but it’s a start… And this is from my book The New Sex Bible: Dry Orgasms

While most orgasms are accompanied by ejaculation in men, it is not the sensation of fluid expulsion via spinal reflex that produces the wave of pleasure and release of sexual tension associated with orgasm. These gratifying sensations can actually be enjoyed without ejaculation in an experience often referred to as a dry orgasm.

Dry orgasms are sometimes stumbled upon by chance, but some men actually train themselves to enjoy orgasms without ejaculation, as they describe the experience as more intense and they are able to skip the refractory period and experience multiple orgasms in succession.

As you recall, when male orgasm occurs in conjunction with ejaculation, two set of contractions occur. The first prepares the seminal fluid for expulsion by moving it into the urethral bulb and the second expels the fluid through the urethral opening. After the first set of contractions, most men reach a point of ejaculator inevitability, as the external sphincter opens and the internal one remains close to disallow the release of urine and the flow of semen into the bladder. However, dry orgasms can occur between these two sets of orgasmic contractions resulting in retrograde ejaculation in which semen is redirected into the bladder instead of being ejected through the penis.

Anecdotal reports suggest that not all dry orgasms include retrograde ejaculation, but when they do, your urine may appear more cloudy after sex due to the absorption of semen. For men who learn to have dry orgasms at will, experts have not identified any negative side effects. However, certain medications, surgeries and nerve damage can result in urethral sphincter malfunctioning that leads to non-voluntary retrograde ejaculation.

If you’d like to explore the possibility of having dry orgasms, the first step is to tone your PC muscle. As this area becomes stronger, you can experiment with several approaches to dry orgasm using your PC muscle:

Squeeze tightly and flex for a few seconds when you feel orgasm is impending. When you release, you may still experience the wave of orgasmic pleasure and involuntary contractions.

Wait until you reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability to flex your PC muscle and hold it while breathing deeply until the inclination to ejaculate subsides.

Another option to experiment with dry orgasms involves a slow technique called Edging. Edging refers to bringing yourself right to the brink of orgasm several times without allowing yourself to go over the edge. Stimulate yourself however you please and stop as soon as you feel as though you are about to climax. Breathe slowly and deeply as you retreat to a less stimulating technique or area until the urge to ejaculate subsides. Repeat this process several times. With practice, some men find that they eventually experience orgasmic sensations without ejaculation during the retreat period.

From the book of Gregory, 54.

“For me it’s not really about the dry orgasm. It’s really about the process. By learning to control when and how I come, I actually learned a lot about my own body as a full sexual machine. Now I have sexual and even orgasmic feelings in parts of my body that I never would have dreamed of as sexual. I never thought I’d say this, but it’s actually not all about my cock. Don’t get me wrong, it’s obviously still a central feature, but it’s not the only part that matters.”

How does clitoral stimulation differ from vaginal stimulation?

Great question! They can be one in the same in some cases.

The clitoris has several parts -- inside and outside of the body.

The head of the clitoris is located at the top of the vulva (where the lips meet). It’s attached to a shaft (which gets erections) and is covered by the hood.

Inside of the body, the clitoris has legs and bulbs which can be stimulated through the lips, but also via the vagina (the legs “wrap around” the vaginal canal).

More women report reaching orgasm from “clitoral” stimulation that from vaginal stimulation alone, but because you can stimulate the inner clitoris through the vagina, sometimes it’s difficult to differentiate between the two.

Here’s a bit of info about nerve pathways from my book, The New Sex Bible:

the pelvic nerve transmits sensations from the vagina and cervix in women and the rectum and bladder in both men and women; the vagus nerve communicates signals from the cervix, uterus and vagina bypassing the spinal cord; the pudendal nerve carries information from the clitoris, penis and scrotum; the hypogastric nerve transmits data from the uterus, cervix and prostate.

There is a lot more that you might be surprised to learn about the clitoris. You can check it out here.

What celebrity couple do you think has the hottest sex?

I always think Will and Jada Smith since they’re so open minded. They’re are, of course, rumours about an open relationship, but I can’t speak to that. Whenever they talk about sex, love and gender, however, their open-mindedness shines!

What made you decide to become a sexologist? Was this a career path you always thought you'd be headed down?

I was a high school teacher. I saw the gaps in the educational system -- teen students were coming to me with issues related to relationship abuse, STIs, unplanned pregnancy, emergency contraception, drug use and they didn’t know where else to turn. In some cases, the issues were life-threatening. It was heartbreaking - especially since we have so much evidence that comprehensive sexual health education improves behavioral and health outcomes when it comes to sexual relationships. I decided to go back to school to study curriculum and teacher training to help improve the system -- this is my passion!

When I graduated, however, there weren’t any jobs with the school boards or Ministry of Education in sexual health, so I started writing. Shortly thereafter, I was offered a book deal and a TV show with PlayboyTV. As my brand grew, I started offering retreats, corporate speeches, couples workshops and webinars. I still work in schools with teachers and students on a volunteer basis and I definitely miss being in the classroom.

I'm very interested in the educational path you took. What was your undergrad degree? What school did you attend that offered a PhD in sexology? What was the topic of your dissertation?

Undergrad in sexual diversity studies.

My dissertation was in sexual health education training - brief interventions for pre-service teachers. Started at the Institute in San Fran, but moved to University of Toronto/OISE to complete my doctoral research. Came back to Toronto to do my CBT courses too.

If you're interested in studying in the field, I suggest taking a traditional path in a recognized field (e.g. education, nursing, social work, psychology, medicine) and then specializing. It will open more career options. Best of luck!

Good Q, also interested in the answer to this. See also: how do you get your clients?

Most of my clients are corporate/private groups. I spend most of my time speaking (keynotes, workshops, etc.) and my source of business comes from:

1.) Social networks (I have strong followings on FB, Instagram and Twitter)

2.) Referral (I work with a few executive/entrepreneur organizations with chapters around the world and they have me listed as a recommended resource in their internal systems)

3.) Media (I’m on GlobalTV in Canada Tuesday mornings, PlayboyTV Saturday nights and I contribute as an expert to magazines like Cosmo and Maxim every week with Astroglide)

Dr. Jess,

what do you think is the best way to ask your partner to try something new in bed?

I really like using pop culture references -- if you see something on TV or in a movie that piques your interest, use the scene as a conversation-starter. It often feels less threatening when you use this approach.

You can also frame it as a dream. “Oh I had this dream about ________. What do you think about that?”

It’s okay to have a laugh over sexual conversations -- it doesn’t always have to be serious.

I finish way too quickly. We're talking less than a minute. I try my best to make up for it in always offering oral, fingers, foreplay, kissing, everything. She says it's not a problem and content but, of course, I still have my doubts. It's starting to affect my drive because while I want to have sex I'm hesitant because I'm worried about being horrible.

I've tried start/stop, but it's pretty ridiculous.

1: how do I stop finishing so damn quick? If that's not possible,

2: how do I stop from letting it eat me up inside?

Have you tried: 1. Masturbating really slowly as practice? 2. Cock rings? 3. Masturbating before you have sex?

I've done one and stop myself from finishing. How many times of practice does it take before there's a difference?

Never tried a ring.

I'm unsure of how fast I can get it up again to masturbate before hand.

Basically, I'm just way too sensitive. Even a hand job or oral sets me off quickly.

Do you use condoms? Some people say they "last longer" with condoms.

I would say that if you practice a few times per week for about a month (try using a sleeve to increase sensitivity), it should get easier as you go.

Ultimately, if you stop thinking about it, you'll likely last longer too. I know this is a huge challenge though...

Have you tried masturbating ahead of time? Or practicing "lasting longer" while masturbating (with a sleeve) if that feels more like intercourse? You could also use a cock ring. I would also suggest you try a few "sessions" in which your only job is to "receive" pleasure. She can go down on you, stroke you or do something else for your pleasure so you get used to taking pleasure as opposed to focusing on "performance". Hope this helps!

What was the last meal you made that completely failed and the last that went like a dream?

Plus kissing, can it be taught be universally appealing to everyone or is it a case of individual taste?

And baby hippos. Too cute for words or are there words?

Baby hippos - Too cute for words!

I made coconut leek and potato soup the other day - a dream! I failed at creme caramel recently. Gotta try again.

Kissing - definitely a matter of personal taste. No technique is a sure-fire winner despite what the marketing department writes on the back of my books.

What is you opinion on the /r/nofap movement?

/r/nofap

Oh. I had to google that one. I hadn't heard of it.

I think that abstaining from sexual activity can be great if it's a matter of personal choice. However, some of the purported benefits don't line up with the research (e.g. improved brain function, energy levels). There are studies suggesting the opposite (e.g. sex improves cognitive functioning and boosts energy levels).

Hi Doc, I've been mad stressed because of work and life in general, I've a lot on my plate currently, and I find it's affecting my ability to stay focused during intercourse and at times causing ED. It's not every time but often enough to be annoying and embarrassing. I'm 34 and healthy. What tips do you have to help focus and maintain even during tiring and stressful life situations?

Your issue is so common! Don’t worry - you’ll get over it. Have you ever taken a mindfulness class/webinar? Learning to be “present” outside of the bedroom (even just one class) can be helpful. If you find the problem persists (I don’t think it will), you might also consider CBT (you can see a therapist or just use an app -- the goal is for you to become your own therapist).

You might also consider a cock ring - it’s more of a “band-aid” solution, but it’s also fun and can make sex hotter!

dr. jess, you seem like the perfect person to ask. please, in your words, what is the best way to lead our partner to orgasm during cunnilingus? any tips leading up to it and during?

Great question! Here's what I suggest:

Slow down.

When we’re excited, our minds race and our bodies stumble to keep pace. In the heat of the moment, our caresses often become slovenly gropes and our lustful kisses deteriorate into something from a bad romance novel.

Though the wanton passion may represent your carnal desire, bear in mind that your partner may be moving at a different pace. If she has suggested that she’d like you to slow down or ease up, try touching her with only the backs of your hands for the first few minutes for a change of pressure and tempo.

Give her a nose job.

Have you ever touched the tip of your nose? It has a unique spring-like texture that offers the perfect balance between firm and flexible. Apply a drop of lube and run your nose down the center of her vulva -- roll it around in large circle around the edges or slide it right inside as you nod your head up and down and back and forth. Breathe deeply and let your natural sounds flow freely to let her know just how much you love it.

Create a delicious suction cup while you roll your tongue.

Open your mouth as wide as you can and press it against her vulva. Suck away as your roll your tongue around the edges of your lips to create your own suction cup.

Use the palm of your hand.

Forget fingering (for now) and use your entire hand to take her pleasure to new heights. Place a flat hand against her vulva (as though you’re cupping it) and apply pressure as you slide up and down. You’ll need lots of lube for this one!

Pay attention to the Mons Veneris.

Also known as the Venus Mound, the soft patch of skin above the vulva is the key to orgasm for many women, as sucking, stroking and rubbing this region also massages the shaft of her inner clitoris. While you’re going down on her, use three fingers to gently press upward on the bottom section of her Venus Mound while using her hip movements and breath patterns to guide your rhythm.

Stroke the legs and bulbs of her clitoris.

Her inner clitoris is just as important as the pearl-like head that peers over the top of her vulva -- the legs and bulbs can be stimulated through her labia with the right amount of pressure. Use the tip of your tongue to tease between her lips during the early stages of foreplay and use your lips and cheeks (covered in lube) to increase the pressure.

As she gets closer to orgasm, stroke your tongue from the head of her clitoris right down to the fourchette (where the lips meet at the bottom) while pressing your thumbs firmly into the fleshy parts of her outer lips so that she has a grounded surface against which to grind.

Give her a hummer.

It’s no surprise that vibrators are growing in popularity, so try combining oral sex with her favorite vibe to give her the best of both worlds. You can stretch a flexible vibrating toy around your tongue, hold a small flat toy against her Venus Mound or simply moan deeply while you’re eating her out to create natural vibrations.

Talk with your mouth full.

Forget your manners and talk while you’re down there to let her know just how much you love it. Tell her how good it feels, how hot she looks and just how badly you want to taste her.

Pulse.

During orgasm, she experiences a series of contractions that begin in the pelvic region, but can spread across the body in waves of pleasure. To induce these orgasmic contractions and increase their intensity, press a wide flat surface (for example, your tongue, the palm of your hand or a flat vibrating toy) against the length of her vulva or the head of her clitoris and pulse gently.

Try a new position.

Most couples engage in oral with the receiving partner on their back. This not only limits their sexual repertoire, but the repetition can render even the hottest techniques boring. Change things up with these suggestions:

● Flip her onto her stomach. ● Ask her to get down all fours. ● Pull her legs off the side of the bed. ● Have her bend one leg up onto the couch while standing. ● Place her ankles in her hands while she lies on her back. ● Let her sit on your face and wrap her legs right around you. ● Lie on your sides facing one another. ● Lift her onto the kitchen counter and pull up a chair.

For anyone reading who would like to know Dr. Jess's suggestions for better oral sex for men, you can find that here.

Definitely going to surprise my girl with some of these.

Yay!

how does a band with such mediocre songs such as yourself make such good music videos?

I actually make great music videos if you can handle how tone-deaf I am. ;-)

Hey Dr. Jess, My wife has always struggled with getting "pulled out of the mood" during sex by something that distracts her. It could be a sound I make or that is made by what we are doing, a sudden discomfort from the position, something I say or anything, really. She gets easily distracted and then loses interest completely in the sex act. I can almost feel it happening her whole body movement changes and she tenses up. The only time it doesn't happen is when she's drunk! Is this common? Any tips? thanks!

Yes. It’s common. Some of us are easily distracted. Sensory overload can help to keep her in the moment:

1. Blindfold her or make sure the room is pitch black

2. Play loud music to drown out any sounds from next door

3. Talk in her ear - find out what she likes to hear and tease out a fantasy to help her to escape from reality

4. Read a sexy story or watch couples porn together. Just like watching a TV show or movie (e.g. horror film) evokes real emotion, so too can sexy storylines.

Hi Dr. Jess,

What does being a company's resident sexologist entail?

Bonus question: if you fill a bowl with marinara sauce and then float like twenty pieces of macaroni in it, can you call that a soup?

I work with Astroglide on projects like this one! And I do media work for them (e.g. Women’s Health wants to interview a sexpert).

You can also find more of my sex advice on the Astroglide blog!

I don’t think that counts as soup! Could you at least boil the macaroni first? And use 21 pieces?

21 boiled pieces it is!

Thanks for answering and for helping people with sex stuff!

My pleasure!

Will you come back again for another AMA? I like these type of AMA's. Thanks.

Yes!

First thanks for doing this! My partner and I are trying to have a baby. I'm doing ovulation tests and all the fun app tracking that goes with. Many of my friends have turned this process into what seems like a stressful and emotionally exhausting situation. We are trying to keep things easy and stress free. However, we are having trouble communicating that it's time to have sex when I'm ovulating. We are not super sex driven so, I'm feeling quite alone and frustrated in this process. Any tips?

Congrats on trying! This is very exciting:)

Here are a few possibilities:

1. Come up with a code work or signal (e.g. you wear your shirt backwards or unbutton the top three buttons at dinner and your partner has to respond by initiating sex).

2. Get your partner to sign on to the app too so that you don’t have to make an announcement - they can simply see it in the app

3. Don’t wait until you’re ovulating! Come up with 8-10 sex tasks/challenges (e.g. cunnilingus in the kitchen) for the month and take turns initiating.

4. Ask for a massage when you’re ovulating. Tell your partner “Doctors orders!”. Once you’re relaxed, roll over and start stroking your partner gently between the thighs...

Thank you for the tips!! We will definitely give these a go.

Have fun!

My gf is the best person in the world. She would never cheat on me.

But most of the time she's out I think about how she COULD cheating on me. How can I stop thinking these thoughts and relax?

Great question! Try a mini CBT exercise: make two columns write down evidence that supports your fear that she’s cheating in one column and evidence that refutes your fear in the other (e.g. she has never cheated, she’s an honest person, she loves me, she reassures me). Look at each set of statements and reformulate a more realistic thought. You can use a CBT app to do this too.

Can you recommend a CBT app?

Some clients like this one: https://itunes.apple.com/ca/app/pacifica-anxiety-stress-depression/id922968861?mt=8

And others use: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.excelatlife.cbtdiary&hl=en

My significant other recently confessed to having a foot fetish. I’m not necessarily against the idea, but I’m a little freaked out. Is this normal? If I decide to try it, what does that even involve?

It’s the most common of fetishes! But foot fetishes come in many forms. Some people like to kiss, lick, suck and caress feet, while others prefer to admire from afar. Some people prefer to play with objects associated with feet (e.g. stockings, boots) while others may want to rub feet right against their genitals. Ask your partner what they’re into - and consider getting a pedicure (regardless of gender!) to pique their attention.

If you’re wondering why someone might develop a foot fetish…

One theory suggests that we develop fetishes in response to erotic associations. If you had an early erotic experience that involved feet, your brain and body may have created a lasting erotic association. This may be considered a Pavlovian response.

Another theory suggests that your foot fetish may have more to do with disgust. As arousal levels heighten, your disgust instincts become less sharp and you’re no longer respond as strongly with disgust. This altered state of perception allows you to engage sexually with objects that you might normally find off-putting — like feet. The taboo element of this theory falls in line with dominant cultural messages sex: it’s naughty, dirty and shameful; a foot fetish may be one outlet through which we reconcile the conflict between our experience of sexual pleasure and negative sexual messages.

Another theory suggests simply that feet are sexy. They’re powerful. They keep us grounded. That’s sexy.

Finally, a foot “fetish” may not be a fetish at all, but simply one of an infinite number of variations with regard to turn-ons. It’s perfectly normal!

Hi Dr. Jess,

Considering our current political predicament, which type of lube would you suggest for the pounding we are about to take?

Astroglide Spark. :)

Hi Dr. Jess.

I'm a 35 y/o married man, and I have an issue where it takes a very long time for me to orgasm during intercourse. 45+ minutes usually.

If I put my mind to it I can get it down to 20 or so if I focus on it. It's not unpleasurable, but my wife doesn't like the time commitment and it's hard to talk her into sex most of the time.

The truly odd thing is that if I mastribate I can get the job done in a minute or two. But when I do that I don't stroke my penis very much at all.

Is this situation common, and can anything be done to help me improve my speed?

You might need more friction during intercourse.

This isn't uncommon. We hear so much about ED and the focus is so heavily weighted toward "lasting longer" for men, but there are many men who wish they could ejaculate and orgasm more quickly.

You might consider a toy to increase friction:
The We-Vibe Classic, 4+ or Sync Vejuve Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo

Or you can simply use your hand (or ask your wife to use hers) to stroke the lower half of your penis during intercourse.

Have you ever hooked up with any of the couples from the Swing house?

Ha! I haven’t. I’m not allowed - it’s in my contract:)

In college I majored in Human Sexuality but after I was done with it I felt really de-sensitized when it came to sex. I find myself to be quite asexual actually. If anything I thought I would become more sexual because well...I was a BIG manwhore in college.

Just wondering if that is normal in the line of work or not? Would you consider yourself a very sexual person and enjoy it ? or do you just like helping others with their issues ?

Yes - studying sex can be desensitizing. I don’t think you’re alone. It’s normal - but not universal. For me, I’ve found that my interest ebbs and flows and because I’ve been with the same partner for 15 years, what I want has changed drastically. You might find that a few months from now, your interest becomes renewed. Or you might find that you develop a niche interest in a particular type of sex (e.g. loving sex, emotional sex, group sex)

Thanks for the response. I was very much into kink before it all stopped. Even had a Fetlife profile. Maybe it is because I am older now or maybe it is just that I actually like being single (I have always been a +1 or fearless flyer in my life). Or maybe I just have not found the right person. I don't even masturbate anymore and being a male that could be considered tragic, lol.

I actually had (now dead) the most controversial sex teacher in the U.S. She was on 60 minutes. We launched a lot of hardcore stuff and partook in some 'interesting' things. Having to group up with the opposite sex to watch porn and talk about it was 'new'. Having to sit in groups (men and women) and explain how we masturbate was 'new'. So I think she could have been a part of it but who knows. Maybe I was just a very 'horny' guy in college.

You already know this, but sometimes it helps to be reminded of how normal you are: a decline in testosterone and other hormonal changes as we age is universal and this certainly has an impact on our sex drive. I don't think it's tragic that you no longer masturbate. You're definitely not alone.

Dear Dr. Jess,

I am a male in my early 20s. Last year, I attempted vaginal sex for the first time, and for whatever reason, suffered from erectile dysfunction. On multiple subsequent occasions with the same partner, the same issue occurred. I was raised in a strongly religious household and have always had sexual anxiety in some form or another - e.g., I used to vomit before sexual encounters with prior partners, or would avoid occasions where intimate events were possible in the first place. I also take medications for AD/HD, which I've heard might negatively affect sexual function. What do you suggest I do? Should I try and attain a prescription for Viagra? Or do you think my issues are primarily mental?

Thanks!

If you can masturbate without losing your erection, it’s likely that the loss of erection with a partner is psychogenic. Have you considered trying a cock ring? I also think you could benefit from a few CBT sessions to address some of the (inaccurate?) messaging you received about sex that has lead to sexual anxiety.

Just a bit of clarification: CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy here, not Cock and Ball Torture (I hope).

Oops! I really should write that one out!!!

Hi! Before I married I was pretty sexually adventurous and never had any issues with lubrication during intercourse. When I have sex with my husband I now struggle to become aroused/ lubricated, but I can still easily do so when masturbating, reading erotica, or viewing porn. I love my husband, but I'm not as responsive as I used to be. What can I do to remedy this?

You may simply be a little bored with the routine and predictability. This is perfectly normal.

First - use lube!

Second - fantasize. Tell your partner about your fantasies (or parts of them) and see which ones he can feed into or act out in part. It’s okay to fantasize about something else to get aroused with your partner. You can also read erotica and watch porn together!

How's your sex life and what's your relationship status? If you are in a relationship, Is it challenging that you're an expert on that field?

I’ve been with my husband for 15 years. Sometimes it’s a challenge because I spend all day researching sex and relationships and at the end of the day, I just want a nice glass of red wine:) But...he is ridiculously attractive and we work hard to keep the relationship happy and hot. Some weeks/months are better than others, but it helps that I’m on the road often. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and the loins burn with desire!

Hi Dr. Jess!

Thanks for taking time to do this AMA! My question is this:

My wife will get very close to orgasm from oral sex and then suddenly get too sensitive and everything I do tickles her. I have tried the common advice of approaching things very slow and stimulating her through the clitoral hood instead of directly on the clitoris, but that doesn't seem to work as she needs direct clitoral stimulation to get anywhere close to the O. Have any fresh ideas of things to try?

Thanks!

Wrap your hand around her entire vulva (everything on the outside) and try pulsing - let her rub against you with the pressure spread across the entire outer area. Hopefully this will help with the ticklish feelings.

My gf was raped multiple times when she was a young girl and understandably is now put off by sex. Right now intercourse is completely off the table. Mutual masturbation seems to be the only sexual act we can do.

What can we do to develop a full a sex life?

Is she working with a professional? I would suggest that she work with a sex therapist or counsellor with a background in sexual trauma. You can look for one here: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory

Or if you use my web contact form, we can try to find you one in your area. Some also work remotely via Skype or similar platforms.

My SO of 10 years and I recently had our last baby this past year. We're done at this point and we have romantic sex 1 or 2 times a week. Unfortunately the passion in our sex life is on life support and has been for years. What are some concrete ways we can reignite the passion in our sex life?

I'm glad to hear you're still having sex regularly! That's great news. In terms of passion, love comes in two stages: passionate love and companionate/attachment love. The first is marked my distinct chemical changes in the body and brain including spikes in dopamine, serotonin and adrenaline. The second is marked by chemical changes that include oxytocin and vasopressin. Most relationship advice focuses on the second stage, but you want to work on the first. Here are a few tips:

1. Spend time apart.
   
2. Do scary things together (hiking, rock climbing, riding rollercoasters, visiting haunted houses) to get your adrenalin pumping
3. Find other passions in life (e.g. politics, projects, hobbies) so that your passion is reignited outside of the bedroom. You don't have to explore these passions together; you simply have to reteach you body to embrace passion.
4. Try something new. A new lube, toy, position, location. Take turns surprising one another with a new sexual exploit. Even if each one isn't a 10/10, you'll have fun experimenting together.
5. Flirt with one another.
6. Flirt with others together if you're up for it.
7. Check out my TedX Vancouver talk: Monogamish https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE

Female, 37. I love sex. A lot.. Yet I can't lust after a single person for more than a week. Maybe two. Even long lasting relationship. But one night stand? I can do it several times a weeks and I love it.

Same thing with the "madly in love" period. It stay max a month... After it fade. Same for crush.

What's wrong with me??

Thanks!

Do you get bored easily in other realms of your life as well? This may just be a part of your personality. It doesn't mean that anything is "wrong" with you, but if you want a long term relationship, you'll have to make adjustments. You can find ways to make sex more exciting (play games, role play, go to a sex club) or you might want to consider a consensually non-monogamous relationship. It's totally up to you!

Dr. Jess

I'm a guy, and I was catfished for the past 2 weeks and now my confidence of me getting into a relationship is at an all time low. I want to get over it by putting myself out there, but unfortunately I'm not in classes right now and the only girls I see are at the gym.

Is putting myself out there too soon dangerous, and how should I proceed after being catfished?

If you feel ready, go for it! 2 weeks is a very short period of time. In a few weeks, you'll start to feel more confident. In the meantime, keep talking to people (of all genders) because you never know who will introduce you to your next love.

Do (or did) you ever get a bit of an immature kick out of the fact that your title is "sexologist"?

Every. Single. Day. :)

I am a married woman with three kids under four. Since I became pregnant with my first, my desire for sex is nonexistent. I honestly wouldn't think about it if it weren't for my husband. I try to have sex but there's no desire so I've been trying to fake it, trying different locations and positions, using lube... But nothing really gets me aroused so sex is at best, a responsibility or a duty I am doing for my husband, at worst, it's painful or irritating.

I have spoken to two doctors about it who have no answer for me. I want to have my libido back... We used to have sex every day up until I got pregnant, and now it's pretty rare which is hard on him and disappointing for me. Is there anything I can do to body my libido?

First: you're perfectly normal. Managing 3 kids under the age of four is a libido-killer!

Do you get any time for yourself? You need it. And deserve it. If the only time you have away from your kids is in bed, it makes sense that you want to sleep, read, watch TV or unwind rather than having sex. Is there any way you can get a half-day to yourself each week? I'm not sure if you're working too...

You might also want to talk to a naturopath about supplements that can promote hormonal balance.

I hope this helps!

Hello Dr. Jess!
I'm a 21 year old male and I've been having some serious problems with premature ejaculation. My girlfriend of 8 months usually says it's okay, and we just fill the time with other things until I'm ready for a second round in which I last significantly longer. But lately it's been seriously fucking up our relationship because she's not getting what she needs. I have no problems when it comes to getting her to climax and from what she tells me I give fairly good head, but she wants more actual sex.
I love her very much and I absolutely want to give her what she needs. It's also slightly killing my self confidence, but that's not the important part.
I've read about doing kegel exercises, but I'm not quite sure if that'll work. Do you have any suggestions?

Kegels may help! But one quick visit to a pelvic floor physiotherapist would be even better. They can tell you exactly what exercises you can do to tone your pelvic floor.

This question is so common and in many cases, you're not dealing with premature ejaculation -- you're simply dealing with a discrepancy in the time required to reach orgasm (or whatever sexual satisfaction you're after). One of you will inevitably take longer (the chances of "coming" together naturally are low), so the "problem" may not be yours alone.

If you're ejaculating quickly because you're nervous or overthinking it, I suggest you practice two types of masturbation: ejaculate as quickly as possible and stave off ejaculation for as long as you can. As you get used to the latter, you'll learn to exercise more control over when you "finish".

You may also want to try different positions with your partner to see if any of them help you to last longer. If it's a matter of sensitivity, trying positions that let her rock, grind and rub (as opposed to pumping or stroking) may result in a delay in ejaculation.

Quick and to the point: Squirting - is it pee or no?

My vote is on no. But I haven nothing at all to back that up with.

Nope. When they test the fluid, they find that it's similar to prostatic fluid (with no sperm) in men. It's possible that some pee can come out (one very small sample-sized study suggested this), but in most cases, it's likely not.

is it possible to love more than one person? Who do you choose?

Yes! Many people are in happy, health polyamorous relationships. Just as you can love more than one child, so too can you love more than one partner.

How do you win an award in sexology? Real question.

My award is in corporate speaking. The topic was intimate relationships. I won the YPO Europe “Best of the Best” award for an event I facilitated in Prague:)

My wife has a difficult time reaching climax; she gets 95% the way there and then it's gone, so sex is frustrating for her. She wishes I would give her oral sex, but for me it's a complete turn-off. Any ideas? She's a loving and willing partner, but she doesn't get the payoff she deserves.

Part of the brain shuts down right at orgasm, so you need to relinquish control to “let” this happen. It’s likely she has difficulty letting go. She should practice relinquishing control in other areas of her life (to see that catastrophe won’t strike) and then carry this over into the bedroom.

Why is oral sex a turn-off? Perhaps you can combine it with using your hands and toys at the same time. And try a flavoured lube if the taste is an issue!

Dr. Jess,

I met a girl a few months ago and everything was intense. She just moved here for her job but I couldn't let my past go and my doubts caused her to break up with me. We've hung out the last two weekends, the first one feeling exactly like where we left off-- the second one equally so, except we talked at the end and she told me she wasn't ready for anything yet. We both cried, embraced and she kept kissing me the whole time. I confessed my feelings and the like to her, worried I wouldn't see her again because of how confusing everything has been. She told me she would let me know, which I doubted like before. She told me I wasn't listening and that she'd let me know. What should I make of everything and how could I possibly win her back?

She is definitely sending you mixed signals!

I would take a step back and let her make the next move. She’s asked you to respect the fact that “she will let you know”. Wait a few weeks and see if you hear back.

What is your view on gender roles in a relationship? Like i think men should be manly and women should be feminine for a healthy and instinctive attraction in a relationship.

I think you should take on whatever role suits you. All genders cry. All genders are strong. All genders are weak at times. There is NOTHING wrong with enjoying or embracing traditional gender roles, but if you embrace a role because it matches your gender (as opposed to embracing it because it appeals to you), it has the potential to cause personal and relational problems.

If you like to be traditionally “manly” and want a more traditionally “feminine” partner and this drives your attraction, that’s perfectly fine. Go for it! It’s all about finding a compatible partner.

However, I would caution that you’ll likely be happier and healthier if you’re open to the possibility that there may be times when you don’t feel like being traditionally “manly”. There may be times when your definition of manly broadens to include a range of experiences including feeling vulnerable or needy. These are human emotions, so I hope you are comfortable expressing them and asking your partner for support.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach. One formula may work for you, but not for your neighbour and that’s perfectly fine.

Hello Dr. Jess

Just a simple question

How can I find that SO, I am longing for?

I suggest dating online. If you have a passion, consider a niche dating site. And look for advice on completing your dating profile to make it more effective. Best of luck!

Dr. Jess'

My wife has 10-20 orgasms per sex session from both clitoral and vaginal stimulation (averages 1 org/every 1-3 minutes). The first few are very high quality and the rest are a very good quality orgasm(according to her). They are strong vaginal spasming type orgasms. I have been with other women who do not possess this capability. It is quite disappointing . Based on your expertise and experience, what is the percentage of women out there who are similar to my wife as it relates to her ability and the frequency in how she achieves orgasm?

I believe she is in the minority. I don’t have hard data, but I would suggest that less than 5% of women have 10-20 orgasms in one session consistently. I think I’m being generous with this estimate. It’s likely much lower. If she’s having one orgasm every 1-3 minutes and having 10-20 orgasms in a session, it also sounds like your sex sessions are lasting longer than average.