Hi I'm Erin Pizzey. I did a previous Ask Me Anything here two weeks ago ( http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1cbrbs/hi_im_erin_pizzey_ask_me_anything/ ) and we just could not keep up with the questions. We promised to try to come back but weren't able to make it when promised. But we're here now by invitation today.

We would like to dedicate today's session to the late Earl Silverman. I knew Earl, he was a dear man and I'm so dreadfully sorry the treatment he received and the despair he must have felt to end his life. His life should not have been lived in vain. He tried for years and years to get support for his Men's Refuge in Canada and finally it seems surrendered. This is a lovely tribute to him:


I would also like to announce that I will be beginning a new radio show dedicated to domestic violence and abuse issues at A Voice for Men radio. I still care very much about women but I hope men in particular will step up to talk and tell their stories, men have been silenced too long! We're tentatively titling the show "Revelations: Erin Pizzey on Domestic Violence" and it will be on Saturdays around 4pm London time. It'll be listenable and downloadable here:


Once again we're tentatively doing the first show on 11 May 2013 not today but we hope you'll come and have a listen.

We also hope men in particular will step forward today with their questions and experiences, although all are welcome.

For those of you who need to know a little about me:

I founded the first battered women's refuge to receive national and international recognition in the UK back in the early 1970s, and I have been working with abused women, men, and children ever since. I also do work helping young boys in particular learn how to read these days. My first book on the topic of domestic violence, "Scream Quietly or the Neighbours Will Hear" gained worldwide attention making the general public aware of the problem of domestic abuse. I've also written a number of other books. My current book, available from Peter Owen Publishers, is "This Way to the Revolution - An Autobiography," which is also a history of the beginning of the women's movement in the early 1970s. A list of my books is below. I am also now Editor-at-Large for A Voice For Men ( http://www.avoiceformen.com ). Ask me anything!


This Way to the Revolution - An Autobiography
Scream Quietly or the Neighbours Will Hear
Infernal Child (an early memoir)
Sluts' Cookbook
Erin Pizzey Collects
Prone to violence
Wild Child
The Emotional Terrorist and The Violence-prone


The Watershed
In the Shadow of the Castle
The Pleasure Palace (in manuscript)
First Lady
Consul General's Daughter
The Snow Leopard of Shanghai
Other Lovers
Swimming with Dolphins
For the Love of a Stranger
The Wicked World of Women 

You can find my home page here:


You can find me on Facebook here:


And here's my announcement that it's me, on A Voice for Men, where I am Editor At Large and policy adviser for Domestic Violence:


And here's the previous Ask Me Anything session we did: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1cbrbs/hi_im_erin_pizzey_ask_me_anything/

Update: If you're interested in helping half the world's victims of domestic violence, you may want to consider donating to this fundraiser: http://www.gofundme.com/2qyyvs

Comments: 1384 • Responses: 49  • Date: 

ozzieoo176 karma

No questions just a big thanks for doing what you are doing. Victims of domestic abuse need a safe haven.

erinpizzey83 karma

Bless you.

andreipmbcn94 karma

Ms Pizzey, let me express my greatest thanks for this AMA. I deeply appreciate all the work you have done.

  • Looking at it from a perspective of abuse and neglect, would you say that there is a general attitude of neglect towards men today?

  • Do you believe that services for domestic abuse should be unisex, or should they be gender-segregated? (if this was asked in the last AMA, I apologize and will look there)

  • Did you feel the need for a real attachment figure (i.e. parent figure) in light of your biological parents' abuse, and if so, how and when did you find one?

erinpizzey177 karma

I think it's even worse than that, I think it's an all-out war. And my problem is that it's men who've been victims of domestic violence, which is largely ignored by society... and not only ignored, but ridiculed. Billions are spent - billions I say - across the world for women's refuges and virtually nothing for men. And the one men's refuge in Canada was so denigrated and despised by the Canadian government, as you will see from our introduction, Earl committed suicide after he was forced to sell his home and he lost everything.

As for being unisex: that's a very complicated problem, and I'm busy talking to people who are genuinely in a possible situation where they could open refuges. One of the problems is that in any Woman's Refuge, you will find violent women with their children. It's not that they have not been victims, in a sense they are beaten and they are bruised, but the relationship between themselves and their partner is consensual. In other words, both are violent. And you will find the same with men seeking refuge. So, I am comfortable with the idea that you have separate refuges.

As for an attachment figures: Ah, I was one of the lucky ones! I found Miss Williams. I was with her from the age of 9 to 16. She was a hugely powerful woman. She was 6 foot 7 inches tall. She was a golf champion, she drove ambulances during the war, and she was the local magistrate in Devon. She ran a holiday home which was rather like a posh care home for children whose parents were abroad. There were many more boys there than girls, there were 40 of us children in total. She was the only person who could make me behave! I admired her hugely, and she never, ever raised her voice to me. If we rebelled, she would say cheerfully to me, "Ah, I see you didn't follow the rules. I suggest you help in the kitchen for the rest of the week." It soon put me in my place! We all need mentors. Particularly boys, there are problems if they grow up in all-female households, and alas, these days, that's a lifestyle for women.

two_horses75 karma

I know you've advocated for male victims of DV. What kind of resources are available for men who are abused by women?

erinpizzey115 karma

There are hardly any I'm afraid. This is what we need to work to change. I hope you and everyone will help.

vampfredthefrog64 karma

What's your go-to snack food?

Edit: Can someone explain the downvotes? Do these have to be super serious questions?

erinpizzey35 karma

Caviar! I love caviar. And dom perignon champagne. Sometimes nice men supply me with these! [chuckle]


Thank you for taking the time to do another AMA Ms Pizzey. My question is what can be done to dispel the myth that women are always victims and men are always abusers when even the President of the United States perpetuates and promotes it?

erinpizzey73 karma

Speak up loudly yourself, loudly, and don't shut up!

Our Prime Minister, David Cameron, has praised single mothers and called fathers feckless. Speak up, don't let them get away with it!

StarckTruth48 karma


erinpizzey83 karma

OK, I know you're not going to want to hear this, but in your situation there is nothing much you can do about your alienated children, but at some time, hope that their life experience of their mother will make them anxious to come and find you.

As far as the legal situation, particularly in Canda, I suggest you walk away. Your past no longer exists. You can't change it. You can learn from it. But if you allow yourself to endlessly revisit the pain and frustration of what you cannot control, it will lead to, if not a loss of your life physically, a loss of your life of peace. Don't let your wife/ex-wife put you there. It happens to so many men you know. And try to help your fellow men, use your tragedy to reach out to other men who are suffering the way you have suffered, and hope we can all work for reform. I wish I had easier answers, but I don't.

stack_trace44 karma

Ms. Pizzey, I have spent the better part of this morning looking into yourself and this cause that I am forced to share given my current predicament, and I think it's incredibly serendipitous that you are doing an AMA right now. Firstly I want to thank you for all that you have done to bring attention to this in spite of the amazing hardships that I know have been imposed upon you. I am currently the victim of a false abuse allegation that warranted a protective order rendering me homeless and unable to see or speak to my two little girls in the midst of a Chicago winter. My soon-to-be-ex-wife had an affair that lasted three years culminating eventually in her abandoning myself and the girls to live 900 miles away with her boyfriend. After some time she claimed to feel guilty and wanted to reconcile. I knew it was a gamble, but I honestly had no idea just how vindictive she could be. I suppose nobody wants to think that this can happen by the person to whom you've promised the whole of your life. After a few months of living together she made her move. I am now fighting a divorce that I can't afford against somebody who is paying for absolutely nothing. She has taken my girls, to whom I was the sole custodian and provider. She has created problems with our landlord, and now I've been tendered a notice to leave my apartment. When the universe sets out to crush a person it doesn't seem to stop.

So that's what I've been going through, and with all that time to write you would think I've had plenty of opportunity to think better on what I want to ask; Obviously, I need help. Desperately. My research into local men's rights groups all seem to funnel into a law office that is far beyond my means. Is there anything that you could recommend? I'm sorry to be so vague, but "at a loss" doesn't begin to describe me right now. I just got off of a 12 hour graveyard shift (the least of my worries, I still manage to have a fantastic and supportive job) and should have been in bed hours ago, so I hope you can forgive my lack of direction.

Equally as important to me right now, what can I do to help others in my current situation? To add some credibility to what I'm saying I have purposefully NOT used a throwaway account (which I may sorely regret) such that the reddit detectives can see that I'm a web hosting Systems Administrator and I would absolutely love to provide whatever service I can offer. I also do some blog writing (technical mostly, but not by choice) and would gladly involve myself in any creative outlet available to myself that may possibly be of service to other fathers. Please let me know if it would be worth anybody's while for me to send a PM or an email.

How the hell am I supposed to handle this? Since this has occurred I have seen and read nothing but bleak accounts often terminating in suicide, which I won't say hasn't been notable factor in considering my own outlook. I'm not trying to be morbid or plea for attention; Please don't get me wrong, I have no intention of ending my life as I still have two little girls to fight for and I do realize that I'm still fairly young. How does one deal with the fact that no matter what you do or how well you fight, there is really no such thing as winning? How does one deal with the emotional toll of being thrust into a mess where suddenly anybody who has any power is out to either hurt you or profit from your pain?

Once again, thank you for all that you do and all that you are. Thanks as well to all of the redditors who have read through my long winded rant and provided me with the cat gifs that have helped to keep me sane. I really hope I didn't miss the train here.

erinpizzey37 karma

Here in the UK we have something called "McKenzie Lawyer" and if you represent yourself you are allowed to bring in to the court a friend who is knowledgeable enough to help you represent your case. I don't know what's allowed in other countries or jurisdictions. Sometimes it's not allowed. There are many false "father's rights" groups that are really just expensive law firms. Right now most of the decent resources seem to be online.

The best thing you can do is record all your calls, keep logs of everything, and get involved in online forums like here on Reddit, A Voice for Men, some of the other men's or father's rights group but there is no question your situation is NOT unique, it's tragically common and too often men don't realize this is true until it happens to them, and it's often too late. You have to reach out to help others and in helping others you may somewhat help yourself. I wish I had a better answer but... get involved, find support on the internet where you can find it, document document document. And learn to put one step in front of the other while you're going through this, remembering always that your children need you to be there for them even if you can't be, document for them and the world to see that you never gave up.

There is a web site called "Fathers for Life," it's run by a Walter Schneider I think, and they've been under vicious attacks from radical feminists, but, they do good work http://fathersforlife.org/ - Walter's great, known him for years, I've met him there.

The bottom line is more men need to get involved and not be afraid to speak out and do something not just to help themselves, but their fellow men. All our children's future depends on it. Even if we can't save you, we can prevent it from happening to others. Walter lost all his children but now he does this work.



I'm a future law enforcement officer here in Canada and dealing with abused women is one of the things I'm a bit anxious about. Because of my training, some people I know sometimes comes to me to ask for advice when one of their friend is a victim of abuse.

What advices would you give to people who are gonna have to deal with a women victim of abuse? What are the dos and don't when we try to help them realise how bad their situation is and how it CAN get better.

Ps: Pardon my imperfect english (I'm french canadian) Thanks!

erinpizzey67 karma

First of all, I would suggest you read my book "Prone to Violence." Feminist activists pulled it out of circulation but you can find it on Amazon second hand books and we'll probably be putting up chapters of it on A Voice for Men.

This book gives specific case histories, and you will see that there are two separate types of people--men and women, but I'm going to talk about women now. In the beginning days of the Refuge, I was made aware that some of the women coming in who had no history of domestic violence in childhood, had by accident got involved with a violence-prone man. She needed my Refuge for herself and her children, but with love, support, lawyers, and housing, she would do well on her one. Usually these are women (and of course men do this as well) who reach out to save the battered child in the man, only to find that whatever they do they cannot heal him, because the child in him is dead, and if they don't leave they will carry a corpse and damage their children. This is the woman who does very well in a Refuge, and will not continue to make violent relationships.

The majority of women coming into refuge, however, have had violent abusive relationships as children. They are the victim of their childhoods, and will make a violent relationship and often continue to make a series of violent relationships, dragging their children with them. This is where they need a therapeutic program and long-term support so they can resolve their own damage and learn to be nonviolent to the children. In time, you will find that your experiences will enable you to make the right decision.

Have I made it clear that this applies to both men and women? The "two types" apply to both men and women.

erinpizzey39 karma

We've now done a bit over 3 hours and I know we still did not get to everybody but we did our best. Thank you all for coming, even those who were critical. I plan on doing a bi-weekly radio show as I mentioned at the top, please come find us at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/avoiceformen every other Saturday... the show starts in two weeks. You can actually call in and talk to me, or listen to the shows after they're broadcast.

These are hard times for a lot of people, yes many women but especially men and boys who really need our compassion. I hope you will join us.



(And peace and love to you wherever you are, Earl Silverman. Your work and name will not be forgotten.)

EvilPundit36 karma

Hi Erin, thanks for doing this.

I'd like to draw your attention to a question that was posted after your previous IAMA closed:


Hello Mr pizzey, my dad is violent and psychologically abuses the whole family specially my mom... But no one believes us because in the eyes of the outside world he is sooo charming and a good father =(.. But inside the house he breaks tables, doors, walls and anything within his reach. I'm 22 years old and I have been trying to help my family break free from him, but when we ask for help to battered women Org. they say they can't help us with anything... What can we do, or what can I do to help my family =( my mom and sisters are so depressed all the time and I'm afraid that im starting to break too =(

I think this person could do with a little advice - and it might be of interest to others as well.

erinpizzey51 karma

Aries91: I'm assuming, because you're asking the women's refuge movement for help, that you are a man. Either way my first suggestion is to get your mother and your brothers and sisters to record evidence of damage to the house, any bruises, date, and keep a journal, and then, go to the police with your evidence. Also, get your mother to talk to the family doctor and have all bruises recorded. I don't have an instant answer for you, but you need to make evidenced damage public. The police will protect you if you come to them with substantial evidence FIRST. Your problem is what I call "the mask of sanity." Your father sounds like an expert at wearing it. To unmask it you will need evidence.

IF you are female, and you have asked for help from the women's refuge movement, and they have refused to find you space in one of their refuges, then they have failed you. Some refuges are bad places anyway, but they may at least be a safe place.

I don't want to leave you hanging, but you know what? You can get on my Facebook page if you like and perhaps we can talk and I can give you more insight there? https://www.facebook.com/erin.pizzey

erinpizzey25 karma

Evil thank you so much for bringing that to my attention if there are any others that look important that we missed last time please do bring them, it's just so much work but we want to help everyone we can!

Milemarker8036 karma

As someone involved in the safeguarding arena myself, what do you think are the key missing services/knowledge across the NHS / Local Authorities at the moment? Both pre and post DV.

erinpizzey60 karma

They're completely missing the fact that men bruise, men bleed, men are victims, men do not routinely abuse women or children. In fact there needs to be active men's group representatives to speak on request right away across all the service agencies. So far, all training is done by the feminist movement, and it needs to be rebalanced by the truth.

fireinthedarkness34 karma

What do you think will happen after the Death of Earl Silverman? Will there be any change?


erinpizzey55 karma

I worry there will be no change in the stoney-hearted Canadian government. The Canadian feminists who are rampant in Canada (and yes that includes many in the conservative party there). Because I know Earl, in his time, received threats. We talked about it at the International Men's Conference in California. By the way, it was inclusive, and we as women were welcomed, unlike many of the feminist conferences where all men are barred.

However if more Canadians and others speak up about this outrage, someone will finally start to listen.

Alkaven533 karma

Ms. Pizzey, thank you for everything you do. I haven't been personally affected by domestic violence, but I know people who have, and I am immensely grateful for all your work.

However, I disagree with your blanket disapproval of feminism. I can understand that you object to your book Prone to Violence being taken out of circulation by specific groups and, more broadly, to the general views of radical feminism. You've made the distinction several times in this AMA, but I still think you're putting the border between mainstream and radical feminism too far to the radical side.

I'm a feminist. I believe that women are, for legal and most social purposes, equal to men, and should be treated as such. That means I object to genital mutilation, to forcing women to wear burkas, to huge gender imbalances in female education, to sex slavery and trafficking (of which most, but not all, victims are women.) Closer to home (California,) I take issue to lower pay; objectification; male majority in classes such as computer science and engineering; male majority in government. And I understand that the best way to deal with this often isn't protesting and pushing for legislation. For example, forcing colleges to ensure that at least 40% of their engineering students are women is completely ridiculous. It's better to account for the disparity by encouraging girls at the grassroots level.

These aren't uncommon ideologies. Although most of you might disagree with specifics of what I've said, I think that the general idea is very common. And that's feminism.

I also believe that equality works both ways: men are equal to women. I still consider this part of my feminism. They are two facets of the same ideology. Women are equal to men, so men are equal to women: the commutative property. As a feminist, I object to systematic unfair representation in trials, to ignoring rape and abuse in which men are victims, to bias in trials determining child custody and support.

I'm not misunderstanding feminism. With all due respect, I think you are (not just Ms. Pizzey but the rest of reddit as well.) There are radicalists in every movement, including feminism. However, most feminists aren't advocating for female supremacism, or separation, or censorship of unlike ideas. We advocate for equality. That's the definition.

This was more of a monologue than a question, really; I just want to voice my objection and know your thoughts on the matter.

erinpizzey52 karma

What makes you assume that I think all feminists are radical? I have always made it absolutely clear that MOST men and women are equity feminists. The problem is you have these very powerful people with a lot of money calling themselves feminists who are not about equality, and they are speaking for you. Wake up and smell the coffee. If you genuinely believe in equality, why would you use a gynocentric word for yourself? If you believe in "Patriarchy Theory" that men have oppressed women for thousands of years, then whether you realize it or not, you are saying something hateful, not just about men but about women too.

TheAlmightyFUPA26 karma

Hi Erin! I recently wrote a paper that detailed the studies regarding who is the main perpetrator between men and women in domestic violence studies, and one thing I found interesting in David Hughes' "Domestic Violence Against Men" was how your work has been censored by backwards "feminists" in the past. Did you ever manage to get this fixed and were the people responsible for causing this issue ever punished?

erinpizzey31 karma

Unfortunately, no. It's only now after 40 years--and I'm 74 years old--and have been made homeless and penniless that I really now feel men are willing to hold women (and some men) to account, and I feel, along with many men, that the wind of change is blowing through the feminist miasma of lies.

I did manage to get exactly one paper published, decades after the fact, on the surveys I did of the first 100 women in my Refuge. Just one, in a tiny journal. "Practice report; A compative study of battered women and violence-prone women." That was in Journal of Aggression, Conflict and Peace Research, 2009, if you can find it. But the feminist hegemony has worked hard to keep work like this out of the public eye.

They actually destroyed the hard disk of Professor Viano from Washington University when he tried to publish some of this work.

DannyboyCdnMRA25 karma

Erin, Thanks again for all your contributions. Do you think the feminists will ever give up its belief in the Deluth model? And what actions will help destroy the flawed ideology of the Deluth model?

erinpizzey61 karma

For those who don't know, the Duluth Model is a false attempt to define a pseudoscientific model that firmly states that men, regardless of what they've done or experienced, must agree in feminist anger-management classes, that they are guilty of being male and oppressive. The Y chromosome automatically creates all men as murderers, rapists, batterers, and destructive to all women and children and must be trained out of these tendencies. (The radfems go so far as to suggest the eradication of men although I don't think THAT's in the Duluth model). The bottom line is that if you look at it The Duluth Model its underlying assumption is that men are violent and and oppressive and part of The Patriarchy and that fixing this will fix their violence, never mind that they may themselves be the abused parties.

The feminists won't give up any of their beliefs, because it is those beliefs that they have brainwashed unsuspecting organizations and parliaments and your Congress and across the world, particularly the United Nations, that brings them in, millions, billions of dollars ringfenced for women only. Why would they give up a cash cow?

Making them publicly responsible for accounting for taxpayers money, so that everyone can see, for instance, where the billions of dollars go that VAWA and programs like it around the world accrue every year. And make them show their results, for both men and women and especially children.

patsybob24 karma

Erin, what is your opinion on domestic violence in same-sex couples and how does this conflict with feminism.

erinpizzey46 karma

I've honestly wondered about that myself. Some years ago there was an honest gay feminist researcher called "Gentle Water." You know, that's when they made up names for themselves. I know she was called Gentle Water. And she wrote a paper about the fact that gay women in their communities were extremely concerned by the violence in their relationships. I then asked how the feminist movement could blame men if women were equally violent towards each other.

Many refuges refuse to take gay women. I remember when I was in the north of England discussing the possibility of opening a Refuge to be shared by gay men and women. The men were quite happy with that idea. The gay women refused absolutely to share anything with men, and they also refused to accept transsexual women because they had once been men, which is insulting to say the least.

Nerinn20 karma

If there was just one idea, one concept you could have everyone in the entire world learn right now, with a snap of your fingers, what would you choose?

erinpizzey40 karma

Children are brain-damaged by domestic violence. Bring an end to it.

Waspcake20 karma

Hello Erin, My question is, do you have any advice for somebody looking into doing research in this area? I am currently a law student looking to do a piece of research into whether the legal system in the UK offers adequate protection to male victims of female abuse, particularly where the man has resorted to violence to try to defend himself. I was particularly interested in investigating whether or not men could use 'battered women's syndrome' as a defence in this kind of situation. Do you know anything about this defence, and if you do, do you think it is used in a sexually discriminatory manner? Basically I realise that this will be a fairly ambitious project and I want to be sure I approach it in a thorough and tactful way, and I'm not entirely sure where to start.

Also where can I listen to "A voice for men"? Will it be available on the internet or for download?

Thank you for all your great work, and for helping to try and shift the idea that only women and children can be victims.

erinpizzey39 karma

I'd start with Harriet Harman, who was a women's minister, who made every effort to change the law so that men could no longer use provocation as a defense, but women were allowed to claim the "battered wife syndrome," meaning that they could be violent with intent. Look into those two situations, and I would suggest it is important for someone to look at radical feminists as lawyers and barristers whose intention is to legally discriminate against men--even if they're innocent--in favor of women.

In terms of the scientific literature, I would strongly recommend in the peer reviewed literature looking at work by Susan Steinmetz, Murray A. Strauss, Martin Feinberg, Don Dutton, Richard Gelles... these are all top researchers who can lead you to a wealth of information, many of them will even talk to you. The legal system needs to recognize this is happening and it's going to take people like you to make the system see it.

david-me19 karma

Do you think the rise of "internet feminists" is causing harm to all the equal rights movements? How much and in what ways?

erinpizzey34 karma

I think the most obvious one that I am immediately experiencing--and I can see, looking at other Reddit conversations--that I suspect there are radfems who are going out of their way to try to obfuscate our conversations here. If you're going to be about equality shouldn't we all have a voice, even if we don't always agree?

They try also try to shame men into silence, and men need to stop letting them do that. We saw that in Toronto when my friend Warren Farrell was talking about men's issues, and we've seen it in subsequent protests there. Silence, shame, bully, misquote... they need to stop it, or they need to be stopped.

BakkenMan18 karma

What do you think about when women abuse men? Would you consider founding a battered men's refuge?

erinpizzey36 karma

I tried. I had a beautiful house at a tiny rent (we call it a peppercorn rent in England) and none of the millionaires who helped me open the women's Refuge would give me a penny for other men. Now we just saw Earl Silverman go through that. Men need to step up and start caring about other men, and women need to start caring about men as well, and boys!

Stormbringer6917 karma


As a young (17) male with no intention of ever getting married, I'd like to ask about your opinion on MGTOW

-In Japan, MGTOW is huge, do you think at this rate it will rise in western cultures too?

-There already is common law marriage in some places, if MGTOW continues to expand, what do you think will happen as a response to it (More laws to steal money from men or evening up of anti-male laws and attitudes to marriage/child support etc?)

erinpizzey15 karma

I'm not surprised that men are going their own way. Why would any sane man want to risk losing his property, his relationship with his wife, his financial stability, the children that he will be deprived of... at the moment, men don't have any rights in this area. In England, Harriet Harman and her very powerful harpies are trying to bring in a law that will mean a woman has only got to live with a man for a very short period of time before she's entitled to exactly the same amount of money and power that is given to married women. That's already happened in Australia and Canada too!

I am constantly in the company of women in their late 30s and 40s who after choosing a career have decided they want children and marriage. I have to regretfully inform them that the present climate against men, they are very unlikely to have a relationship with a man and will probably never have children.

It's true. Nowhere is the problem more noticeable than Los Angeles, by the way, where men give themselves the right to date (meaning, they can have sex with as many women as they want at the same time)... very sad situation, but, why would they do anything else? The legal system can destroy them if they commit to a relationship.

Icyx17 karma


erinpizzey23 karma

I don't know how it was resolved, but obviously it wasn't resolved, otherwise he'd probably be with us today.

disposable_mail16 karma

Suggested question I saw from another user and seconded below. .

The thread was on apex fallacy, and it was my impression that the question was on your opinion of it and whether you felt you were interested in publishing something in regards to this term.

The apex fallacy refers to judging groups primarily by the success or failure at those at the top rungs (the apex, such as the 1%) of society, rather than collective success of a group. It is when people marginalize data from the poor or middle class and focus on data from the upper class.

erinpizzey27 karma

As far as I'm concerned, a sufficient amount of women have reached boardrooms and many of them publicly have said that they prefer a quality of life which includes family time, which for women in many ways is more important because we, in the long term, through our children and grandchildren. Men, as they climb up the steps to fame and fortune define themselves by how well they can take care of their wives and children. Different lifestyles, different goals, very few women want to spend the time and the total energy in making that high-achieving career lifestyle.

But most men aren't going to be CEOs or politicians are they? And do CEOs and politicians work for the interests of all the other men? No.

gareth_the_jack15 karma

Hi Erin!

Have you had much to do with BAWSO? They are an organisation that provide shelter and refuge to female Muslims who are victims of domestic abuse. They do a lot of great work.

In your experience, how does someone's religion have an impact on whether or not they report the abuse or seek help?

erinpizzey34 karma

No I haven't heard of them, but there have been many movements. One movement from India is called the Raj Yogas. This was a very wealthy Indian jeweler who realized that many Indian women were forced to throw themselves on their husband's pyre and die with them--he began this movement that took in women and saved them from dying. I know the Raj Yoga movement and it now has extended its work to take men in! I admire them enormously, and the movement is worldwide.

There is also refuge for women, and men, in Bahrain. I was there a while ago now to help open the refuge and since then the Bahraini government have taken over. I truly admire Bahrain in this area, it is the most liberal for women in all of the Arabic states.

As for religion: that's a wide question. I know in my personal experience, in the early days of the Refuge, I have forcibly ejected Roman Catholic priests for coming into the Refuge to tell Roman Catholic women that they must return to their husbands, and they made their bed and now they must return. There was a couple of times standing on the front steps of the Refuge where a whole Muslim family arrived to demand that their daughter return to the violent husband ---and often his equally-violent mother! It is hard for many people across the world particularly when the mores of their religion insist that their partners can do anything they like to them.

It is strictly abused in places where there is no alternative, there is one Refuge I know of in Afghanistan, because no woman may live on her own. If the family won't take her back, and they often won't because of the shame, if she goes to the refuge it is the end of the road for her, because she can never leave, and many of them drink poison or use ground glass to end their lives.

But is that religion or culture? It's culture disguised by religion I think.

mrwhibbley15 karma


erinpizzey22 karma

Well first of all, it's resistance to knowing at the bottom of this entire subject is the decision made many years ago by the feminist movement that they would never accept women's violence towards men as an issue because they would have to share their billion dollar industry.

As long as they can convince the powers that be that men are abusers they can sit in their luxurious ivory towers and laugh at the suffering of men and boys.

I think I've addressed the issue of violent women--they are about as common as violent men, and we need to recognize this.

I think the repercussion for false allegations is prison. To take away anyone's good name and to accuse them of sexually violent or violence towards their family is such a serious accusation that a salutary prison sentence would be the only remedy, and the children returned to the innocent father (or mother).

How many thousands of years old is the Bible? Even if you aren't religious, look at the 10 commandments. It says "Thou shalt not bear false witness." It doesn't say "thou shalt not lie," it says "false witness." It's a horrible thing to lie ABOUT someone.

OrGiveMeDeath14 karma

As of late that's been a huge debate on the topic of men's rights and the abuse of men- especially after the news of Earl Silverman's suicide based somewhat on his center for battered men failing economically without government funding. As someone who has done so, SO much for battered women, what are your views on the men's rights movement and their position on battered men?

erinpizzey21 karma

I'm in total support. I am absolutely delighted to be Editor at Large for A Voice for Men, I am in contact with and support MRA London, and I foresee a great future now that men are finally coming forward to stand up for themselves for their boys. The MRA movement and A Voice for Men are inclusive, and these are the first real honest organizations that I know, both men and women, can join to work for a new future.

We do get kicked around sometimes for being mean, but I don't mind, I can be mean, if it's needed.

I know there are some MRAs, or MHRAs, who are probably crazy. You're going to get that everywhere.

Flying_Cunnilingus14 karma

Once again we're tentatively doing the first show on 11 March 2013 not today but we hope you'll come and have a listen.

I believe you mean May, not March, unless it's already happened.

erinpizzey25 karma

You're so right, 11 May, thank you, fixed that!

pcarvious14 karma

What do you consider to be the biggest philosophical or social hurdle that men currently face in regards to domestic violence, sexual assault, and rape? Also why is it the biggest hurdle and what can be done to overcome it?

erinpizzey22 karma

The biggest hurdle that men are rapists, batterers, oppressive... that whole image that is attached to men. And what can be done about it is that the evidence that it's not true is there. The research shows that most men aren't these things, and men must stand up and find a voice unitedly fight back... and share the information about women's violence and women's role in atrocities and make women responsible for their behavior. Then we can work together like equals.

napocapo6913 karma

Hi Erin, in my experience I've not met anyone that experienced physical abuse by a partner; but I know personally some people that suffered psychological abuses by their partners, and most of them were men. How can we deal with such situations before they escalate in something worst? Before they develop in critical situations where at the end the man will become the physical abuser because he did not get any previous support to get out from the abusive relationship?


erinpizzey15 karma

If I understand you, you're saying you know men who have undergone psychological abuse and you worry that eventually this will cause them to lash out and become violent? If I've got that right, here is my answer:

There is absolutely no excuse for anyone to abuse either physically or emotionally. As an example, I was at a conference and a man came up to me who had a black belt in martial arts. He met a woman who came to his dojo and he got into a relationship with her, and he explained that she used to abuse him verbally and then spit in his face and say "hit me! hit me!" and to his shame he finally lash out. Fortunately he walked away and left her.

The sad fact is that for some people--women as well as men--physical violence is a sexual release for them. It's an unstated secret. If this is the case, if this is what you're talking about, then get out and don't look back.

muttmonster13 karma

What do you expect to happen in the near future with the movements that you're a part of? How do you expect this "gender war" to play out?

erinpizzey40 karma

I think it will play out. I have every hope now, because until I joined A Voice for Men and met some of the men's movement in England, including London MRA, I had always thought, and felt despondent, about men's response to the women's movement. So many men are lickspittles. Often in my travels when I'm speaking, I have asked men, informally, why they would never stand up to women who were devoted to the idea of a world without men. The honest answer was they were too dependent on having relationships with women to stand up for what they believed.

Now, after 40 years, men have found a voice. And it's mostly online, where they can feel safe, and not subject to ridicule or threats. Or not as subject to it anyway.

I think most men live lives of quiet desperation--that's a quote, I can't remember who said it but it's true. As an example, my father was always besotted by my violent mother. She kept him financially and sexually desperate. She refused, ever, to have sex with him once she'd had children. She bankrupted him with her demands for clothes, hats, shoes, all handmade, and her underclothes came from Paris. And she spent her life with us belittling him and humiliating him, and he never left her. He never stood up for his children, and yet all across the world he was a diplomat. The three children had no choice and no childhood.

So anyway, I think now, as more men are willing to fight against injustice, for example America's VAWA, and men are beginning to make the feminist movement accountable financially, and MRI scans are now showing the damage done to young children largely in the hands of their mothers (women do commit most violent child abuse), the tide will begin to turn. And we can start talking like adults about these things, and we can start working together to make the necessary changes.

TheVeryGoodPal12 karma

Hey Pizzey,

If you could do take refuge in one place in the UK where would it be?

Also, favorite kind of cinnamon Pop-Tart?

erinpizzey26 karma

The Barnstable Refuge in Barnstable, which is in Devon I think. They have a very good refuge, they have young male volunteers coming in to work with the children. Some of them would call themselves "equity feminists," some of them are just happy to be at home and they are passionate about their mothers and children and they work with men.

I like Raspberry pop-tarts! I have an Indian shop nearby that has Pop-tarts because they aren't generally available in England and I love Pop-Tarts!

funnyfaceking12 karma

Did you know Earl Silverman well?

erinpizzey25 karma

I met him first at the conference in California, there were two inclusive conferences, the first in the world, one was in Sacramento and the other was in Los Angeles. Earl was there, and he had photographs of all of us together. I remember him as being kind and gentle and a very huggable bear of a man. He's on my Facebook, and we communicated. We all feel his loss. He was a martyr to the indifference of the Canadian government, and we will never forget his name.

Vanthu12 karma

I want to thank you for writing "Prone to Violence". I grew up being beaten by my mother in rages. Consequently, I was subject to rages as an adult.

Over time I came to understand that my mother was just doing what she had been taught as a child, that the source of the rages is a feeling of being attacked, and a feeling of inadequacy to to anything about it, that just because I felt I was being attacked, doesn't mean I was, it was subconscious triggers, something was similar to a time I was beaten.

Because it was my mother who was the violent one, I was 43 years old, in a human growth a development class in college, studying child abuse before I realized that I was an abused child. I was always taught that men were abusers, ans women were innocent victims. Your book was instrumental in me understanding the nature of abuse. I am now nearly completely free of my past.

Thank you for your work, for your books, and everything you do. You are one of my heros.

erinpizzey12 karma

Well first of all, let me say that it is extremely brave of you to admit that it was your mother who was violent. Many men cannot admit that their mothers were less than virgins on pedestals.

Women on the whole are quite happy to discuss relationships but men find it extremely difficult to face the fact that their mothers are less than innocent victims. The main problem is that only recently, with MRI scans and other science looking at children's brains show that early exposure to violent and sexual experiences actually damages the forming brain. So experiences of rage and sexual abuse in early childhood continue to be the trigger points that can last a whole life, unless you have access to information or therapy that can help you understand and transcend the damage, as you have.

But being able to forgive your mother is a huge step forward, and I hope you will continue with this work, and reach out to other damaged souls.

Estephe10 karma

The gender ideologues seem to get away with the default claim (if not in every court case, yet get away with it in propagandized public perception) that every time a woman murders a make sexual partner the woman's violence is ALWAYS defensive.

QUESTION: Do you agree that educating the public on the subject of women who murder male sexual partners sequentially ("black widow serial killers") would help to break the spell of the gender ideology propaganda?

Here is a collection of 150 - mostly known or poorly known cases:

Black Widow Serial Killers http://unknownmisandry.blogspot.com/2011/09/black-widow-serial-killers.html

Another, related bit of ignored info on violence by women that, in my view ought to be dicussed in order to break the spell of gender ideology:

Female Serial Killers of the 21st Century http://unknownmisandry.blogspot.com/2012/11/female-serial-killers-of-21st-century.html

erinpizzey26 karma

Absolutely, because we do have cases of men who murder, but I have had cases of women who have murdered their partners, and it's very interesting because feminists insist that men are often treated lightly, but the truth is women a murder occurs it is the women, as you say, claim self-defense, and in my experience it is very rarely self defense. Especially these days when there's so many resources for a battered woman to leave.

I quite understand the argument that men tend to explode with rage, and there was an attempt by Leonora Walker and her band of savage sisters to plead "mitigation" for women claiming that their violence was slow-burning and therefore, in two cases I know of... one where a woman claimed self-defense three days after she stabbed him to death in the carotid artery. She was acquitted, but the truth was that he had never been violent to her, but he was planning to leave her for another woman. In another case, a woman waited several days before her husband was sleeping in his bed, and she poured petrol over him and set him alight. These were cases I was personally involved in. In the second case she actually was sent to prison, but the radical feminists here claim that any woman who kills a man, that those women would be political prisoners, because all men are part of The Patriarchy, and all women are then therefore political prisoners of The Patriarchy they're supposedly fighting against. And in her case they did get her out, she was released!

Violence is not a gender issue, it's a learned pattern of behavior, it goes back to early childhood not "The Patriarchy." When I go back to my family, my one brother was violent, he knocked people out. And I was certainly a very, very violent and dangerous child myself. I was lucky to find a mentor. The most important thing in our Refuge were the wonderful men who worked alongside us and were fantastic models for both the mothers and the children.

To get back to your question, is it good to educate the public about violent women? The public know that women can be just as violent as men, unfortunately, the feminist ideology is used by governments to suppress men and elevate women. Publicizing cases of violent women along with violent men... it's equal, and should be seen that way.

throwaway_84849 karma

Ms Pizzey, I personally know of two cases where a woman made false abuse claims against her husband and checked themselves into a battered women's shelter for a few months. Aside from the vulgar issue of false abuse claims, these women took up a valuable spot in a shelter that otherwise could have gone to an actual victim.

How widespread do you think this problem is? Do you think there is any way that it could be prevented? Should the women who do this face any consequences and what should they be?

thank you

erinpizzey27 karma

Yes, it is widespread, false abuse claims. Even to the extent that in... certainly I know in England, and certainly I know in Canada, and in California where I visit my family... many lawyers will advise women going into refuges to use domestic violence as a fast route to either getting the man out of his house or to rehouse herself. If --and in Canada, it's called Hoovering, when a man comes home and finds it empty - if that isn't fast enough, the same woman who has lied once will bring out what they call the "silver bullet," and that's when the woman accuses him of molesting the children. In that case, he is guilty until proven innocent and therefore loses everything.

To make great sorrow, I must say that many of those fathers commit suicide.

So yes, it's widespread, and yes, if they have been found to be lying, and their intent was to deprive the father from seeing his children, as far as I'm concerned she should be jailed. (Actually I want either jailed, if men do it they should be jailed too.)

artskoo9 karma

Need any volunteers/interns?

erinpizzey14 karma

Join your local men's groups and encourage your friends to do the same, and if you have no luck there, get involved on line. People will make fun of you. Too bad. To hell with them.

RandiTheRogue9 karma

Ms. Pizzey, I have no question but I just wanted to say that you have all my respect. You are really doing some good in this world; thank you for never giving up.

erinpizzey14 karma

There's nothing like an old fool! :-)

LordAssworthMcThor7 karma

Not a question, just a relevant story where my semi-assholery turned out for the good.

I moved into a new house last year and was told by the old housemates next door was a womens refuge. When they left I advertently met one of the occupiers over the garden fence, she was an alcoholic who wouldn't stop talking at you. Literally made me scared to go outside. Complained to the landlord and she had a word and built a fence. Saw the woman a couple more times, she gave me semi-dirty semi-scared looks, feelsbadman.jpg.

Anyway didn't see her for a little while, then about a month later saw her in Tesco stacking shelves having a conversation with a co-worker and not slurring. She didn't see me and I kept walking, still, good to know your places can help people get back on their feet.

erinpizzey15 karma

That's great! There are very very good refuges, and I've visited them. Most of those are not affiliated to the feminist movement. But I do know good women working even in feminist refuges who've made a huge difference in children's lives.

ssj4kevin5 karma

Hello Erin. I came late to the party last time, so I thought I would ask my question again in the hopes that it would be seen this time. You have said that Canada is among the more dangerous places to be a man these days. What is it about Canada that is so dangerous for men? Thank you.

erinpizzey9 karma

Erin's gone, I'm wrapping up for her today, but she addresses that in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhqVQCyNEGg with a transcript here http://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/domestic-violence-industry/refuting-40-years-of-lies-about-violence/

Wrapping up now. Thank you all.

atheism-extreme2 karma

How many women come from religious backgrounds? Just curious! Thanks sir!

erinpizzey13 karma

First off, I'm not a sir I'm a a ma'am. Or you can call me Erin.

But actually I don't think it has to do with religion necessarily. Violent people use religion as an excuse in many cases. This is what my God says. My God is a loving God. It's humans that are cruel and violent. There is no excuses for harming any other human being, emotionally or physically... I can't think of anything else to say really, because it doesn't really have to do with religion as I see it.

TheVoiceofKroeger2 karma

Do you like the song Mambo Number 5?

erinpizzey5 karma

Yeah it's great!

seraph771 karma

What type of breading and/or egg wash do you use for battered women?

erinpizzey9 karma

Fried food gives me indigestion.

bambakaris0 karma

"feminism is hate movement" -

Yeah, I think I've heard enough from you.

(Perhaps because when I think 'feminism', the quote that comes to mind is that 'feminism is the radical idea that women are people'.)

erinpizzey38 karma

I'm so delighted that you've finally realized that women are people. Well done!

ricard0man-31 karma

Is your computer located in a kitchen?

erinpizzey14 karma

I'm happy in the kitchen and so are you! But most famous chefs are men you know.