Firstly, apologies to all those folks who have been messaging me and especially to those who continue to promote me to new redditors.


So, on to's the copypasta.

First AMA

Second AMA

Last AMA

YouTube Channel Here's some basics to get you started:

  • Dollar for dollar, a bagged vacuum, when compared to a bagless, will almost always:

1) Perform better (Actual quality of cleaning).

2) Be in service for much longer.

3) Cost less to repair and maintain (Often including consumables).

4) Filter your air better.

Virtually every vacuum professional in the business chooses a bagged vacuum for their homes, because we know what quality is. Things you should do to maintain your vac, regularly:

1) Clear your brush roller/agitator of hair and fibers. Clear the bearing caps as well, if possible. (monthly)

2) Change your belts before they break. This is important to maintain proper tension against the agitator. (~ yearly for "stretch" belts)

3) Never use soap when washing any parts of your vacuum, including the outer bag, duct system, agitator, filters, etc. Soap attracts dirt, and is difficult to rinse away thoroughly.

  • Types of vacs:

1) Generally, canister vacs are quieter and more versatile than uprights are. They offer better filtration, long lifespans, and ease of use. They handle bare floors best, and work with rugs and carpets, as well.

2) Upright vacuums are used mostly for homes that are entirely carpeted. Many have very powerful motors, great accessories, and are available in a couple of different motor styles. Nothing cleans shag carpeting like the right upright.

3) Bagless vacs are available in a few different styles. They rely on filters and a variety of aerodynamic methods to separate the dirt from the air. In general, these machines do not clean or filter as well as bagged vacuums. They suffer from a loss of suction, and tend to clog repeatedly, if the filters are not cleaned or replaced often.

4) Bagged vacuums use a disposable bag to collect debris, which acts as your primary filter, before the air reaches the motor, and is replaced when you fill it. Because this first filter is changed, regularly, bagged vacuums tend to provide stronger, more consistent suction.

My last, best piece of advice is to approach a vacuum, like any appliance; Budget for the best one you can get. Buy one with idea you will maintain it, and use it for many years. And, for the love of Dog, do not buy from late-night infomercials or door-to-door salesmen! Stay out of the big-box stores, and visit your local professional who actually knows what they're talking about.

Comments: 2858 • Responses: 62  • Date: 

PM_ME_TREASURE4562 karma

Why did you lose your job? And why does this mean no more AMAs?

Also, I am sorry you're out of a job. I know it sucks.

Sorry if I'm prying, and please ignore my comment if I am.

touchmyfuckingcoffee11124 karma

Without trying to badmouth the company I worked for, after the owner got out of prison for multiple felonies, he wanted to make changes and thought I had a bad attitude because I didn't like him cutting my pay by more than half. Firing me just before Christmas was a special bonus.

If I wind up in another vacuum repair joint, I'll continue the AMAs. But, I don't plan on staying in the industry.

Dr_Doctor_Doc3036 karma

Given your quasi fame - what about slapping together 2-3 you tube videos on how to get the most out of your vacuum?

We’ve got more than enough talent here to help you ‘tube it right with the right elements - might be worth a few hundred bucks

We can give the channel the ‘ol reddit hug probably...

touchmyfuckingcoffee2499 karma

I now have the time for it, but not the resources like a set, vacuums to demo with, a bench for repairs, etc.

I'm not anywhere near big enough to generate that kind of money on youtube. They've really gone to shit.

Jahmay15 karma

I’m a full time videographer in DFW and have all the necessary equipment (cameras, mics, lights) to record YouTube videos. I’d be willing to help you get started for no charge.

touchmyfuckingcoffee29 karma

I appreciate that, thank you! I have an HD camera and a mic. What I don't have is a studio to shoot it, or a handy supply of parts.

I could script up a couple of episodes, but with trying to find a job, it'd take me forever to edit and post said videos.

If you're open to the idea, once I land on my feet, I'll hit you up on this offer.

bigbrothersrule304 karma

What are you interested in doing next, and how can we help?

touchmyfuckingcoffee497 karma

Thanks for the kind words.

I'd love to find myself in machine maintenance or a robotics repair career. It's a shame I don't have an engineering background.

RainbowTuba603 karma

Biomedical technicians are in high demand. If you've spent a lot of time fixing equipment (sounds like you have!) I'd apply to a couple hospitals.

I love my job and I think you would too. It's good money, it's interesting work, and I feel good about the work I do.

I have an engineering background, but many of my co-workers do not. Give it a shot!

touchmyfuckingcoffee412 karma

That's a helluva idea! Thanks!

Mr-Blah110 karma

Look into lift repair tech.

They make good money and the world will never run out of lift to do maintenance on because we are building more and more high rises... ;)

touchmyfuckingcoffee61 karma

Good idea. Thanks!

Canadian_Infidel3 karma

Look into industrial instrumentation. Or PLC technician jobs. Just something to think about.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma


I'm adding those to my list. Thanks!

CodenameMolotov257 karma

Have you considered becoming a vacuum cleaner themed crime fighting vigilante? You already have an origin story.

touchmyfuckingcoffee290 karma

You got some dead parents' inheritance I can get from you? I gots bills to pay.

CodenameMolotov321 karma

Justice is its own reward. The streets are dirty and you're the only man who knows how to clean them up.

touchmyfuckingcoffee169 karma


cap10wow208 karma

What a douchebag. I got tossed Dec 15th from a place I worked for 4 years, under similar circumstances. This town ain’t got a heart anymore.

touchmyfuckingcoffee156 karma

I'm sorry you got the same kind of treatment. Good luck to you in this new year.

Semantiks68 karma

I don't plan on staying in the industry.

Any insight as to why? Is it the industry itself, or did the last company leave that-bad of a taste in your mouth?

touchmyfuckingcoffee407 karma

I never really planned to work in retail/retail management. I'd much rather manage a team in a technical capacity, or just get a decent salary for machine maintenance, etc...

People think I'm passionate about vacuums. I'm not; I'm passionate about helping people. I'm passionate about fixing a problem or finding the solution to fix a problem. I'm also a little bit Aspy and have been known to put people off by my personality.

maidrey119 karma

You should read Give and Take by Adam Grant. I was laid off fairly recently under very painful circumstances and I’m a similar type in terms of helping people being a primary goal of mine.

The book makes a lot of sense in figuring out how you can help people without undermining your own success or getting sucked dry from takers, and helps with how to read people. It was amazing for me, and if you’re a little bit Aspy then it may be even more helpful for you.

touchmyfuckingcoffee50 karma

Thanks for the tip!

zeroart10145 karma

C'mere, Fuck off, let me help you!

I lke you.

touchmyfuckingcoffee37 karma


Puppybeater17 karma

What kind of tooling is required to enter the industry yourself, what's stopping you from being your own boss? Also who are your biggest customers?

touchmyfuckingcoffee43 karma

Really, the biggest obstacle to breaking out on my own is capital, of which I have none.

The necessary tools are very basic. I need to set up credit accounts with multiple suppliers, and I'd have to focus on commercial accounts, because my former company is powerful enough to shut me out of suppliers/manufacturers if they wanted to. In this area, anyway.

CWWDrymouth4137 karma

Reddit had its own vaccum repair tech? I want to say cool.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3106 karma

Well, did...

GoddessOfRoadAndSky1544 karma

It's the end of an era. :'(

touchmyfuckingcoffee2216 karma

Time to create the new era. I'll never stop trying to help people when I can.

cheesybagel1031 karma

I love you, vacuum guy.

touchmyfuckingcoffee1398 karma

I love you too, bagel! Especially with a nice schmear and some lox, with onions and capers.

Yeabuddy87444 karma

This dude bagels

touchmyfuckingcoffee580 karma

My wife is 3rd generation Brooklyn Conservative Jew and I worked for years in a kosher style deli.

I know my way around a bagel. I'm getting a Reuben for lunch!

MetaMythical156 karma

Sorry you lost your job man.

That really sucks.

touchmyfuckingcoffee114 karma


knumbknuts62 karma

I enjoyed the podcast episode on you... good luck in your next venture!

touchmyfuckingcoffee88 karma

Thank you very much! The podcast thing and filming for their video series were some really cool experiences that I will fondly remember for a long time.

LBJsPNS1047 karma

I'm very sorry to hear you have lost your job. May you have success in your future endeavors.

What is your opinion of Simplicity?

touchmyfuckingcoffee779 karma

Thanks for the kind words.

Simplicity are great vacuums. Right now, Tacony (parent company) is rebranding with them and Riccar. Many of both brands models are going to be joined, discontinued, or rebranded.

LostSoulsAlliance93 karma

Based on your past AMAs, I went shopping for a nice Miele Canister. The sales guy carried both Miele and Simplicity, and talked me into a Simplicity 'Wonder Power Team Premium Canister with Tandem Air Nozzle'. Insane amount of $ for a vacuum, but that thing is much quieter than my old Sanitaire S675 and much better suction. I'm thinking it's the last vacuum I ever buy hopefully.

touchmyfuckingcoffee174 karma

You have the simplicity version of my Riccar. You've got the most powerful and efficient vacuum in the world.


chsavage557 karma

This question may have already been addressed, so sorry about that. I have 5 dogs, and I vacuum A LOT. Because of that I’ve been through one Shark vacuum (was a few years old and got a bit worn out), a Dyson Ball vacuum (dog at the cord) and am currently using another Dyson Ball.

What would you say the best and most durable vacuum for pet hair is? I have couches which are the standard cloth like material that have covers of the same material, and the floors are all wood or tile.

touchmyfuckingcoffee703 karma

It sounds like a canister vacuum would be ideal for your home. Riccar has the some of the best pet accessories available, and their canisters have large capacity bags.

chsavage227 karma

I’ll look into those, thank you.

Any recommendations on a good vacuum to remove pet hair from cloth car seats? (Sorry for the 2 parter).

touchmyfuckingcoffee509 karma

What you need are the right tools for the job to go with a good vac.

You will thank me later for this: Riccar's Fur-get-it tool. It's the best in the business.

Borderlinecrazyguy34411 karma

Would it help at all if I broke mine and my neighbors vacume cleaners, then hired you to fix them?

Totally willing to, only thing is I'm in Canada

touchmyfuckingcoffee333 karma

That's very kind of you, but shipping to and from Texas isn't gonna be worth it.

atthestake363 karma

What comes next in life for Reddit’s former vacuum repair tech?

touchmyfuckingcoffee816 karma

If I'm lucky, I'd love to fall into something like machine maintenance or even robotic repair technician.

My problem is a lack of experience in robotics and an engineering background.

I can fix anything, though. And, if I don't know how, I know how to learn to do it right.

Semantiks487 karma

I know how to learn to do it right.

Luckily this is a huge selling point for a lot of employers. Showing them you know the job already is one thing, but showing them you're capable of learning it quickly can work wonders, especially if you're an otherwise valuable candidate (professional, courteous, etc.)

Good luck, I hope to see an AMA from Reddit's resident robotocist soon!

touchmyfuckingcoffee210 karma

Thanks so much.

bigbrothersrule139 karma

Prediction: Advanced machine shop with reddit presence offers the dude a job within hours :-)

touchmyfuckingcoffee90 karma

Thanks for the kind words. I hope you're right.

Pompous_Walrus325 karma

what are your thoughts on Roombas and other robotic vacuums?

touchmyfuckingcoffee491 karma

They're fine for bare floors and quick light pickups. But, if you have carpeting, you're still going to need a conventional vacuum cleaner.

Guildford10148 karma

Thanks for your iama. I do a lot of research before buying new tech and partially with your advice we purchased a Sebo Felix which we love and more recently the proud owners of a baby Roomba 960.

We hope your next adventure is equally rewarding and don't lose any screws!

touchmyfuckingcoffee39 karma

Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad to hear you're happy and I was able to be of some help.

Actionbinder233 karma

What’s your opinion on centralised vacuum systems?

As in the kind where you just plug the vacuum hose into the wall and all of the dirt gets sucked out to the garage.

touchmyfuckingcoffee363 karma

I think they're a great option in a new home. That being said, I only know one guy with a CV system who doesn't also use a conventional vac because people hate having to lug a 30-50ft long hose around their houses.

The new retractable hoses are pretty darned cool, though.

korkidog220 karma

Sorry to hear about losing your job. Thanks for doing another AMA. What are your thoughts on rechargeable stick type vacuums? Are they worth it?

touchmyfuckingcoffee377 karma

As far as I am concerned, the only brand worth the money (when on sale) are the Dyson models. The Sharks are powerful ,but fuck them entirely as a brand; completely shit designs and materials.

777777777-7777777777195 karma

Dude. I've been wondering how things are going for you. I feel bad I didn't keep in touch. Did you ever get your dog?

touchmyfuckingcoffee276 karma

I saw a comment of yours the other day. I hope you're doing well.

I did get the dog and she's awesome. Just impossible to photograph. lol.

mr_nuts31193 karma

Still hate Dyson?

touchmyfuckingcoffee450 karma

As a consumer and the quality or their vacuums, yes.

That being said, they've stopped making their upright vacs and are dedicated to stick vacs, of which they currently have the best on the market.

Superbeanietoon145 karma

What is your favorite all time fix? Sorry to hear about your job!

touchmyfuckingcoffee409 karma

Thanks for the kind words.

I don't know about an all time fix, but my favorites were always the oddballs, super rare antiques, and especially effecting repairs on things not even remotely vacuum related.

I was once able to help a guy who was completely restoring a 1968 Dodge Challenger (if I remember right). He brings in the original factory 8-track tape deck/stereo. The tape drive originally used a pretty thin rubber round belt from the drive motor to the sprocket spindle. The original was completely disintegrated and not even similar to a standard rubber belt in the vac biz. However, in my collection of commercial kevlar, geared, and v-groove belts, I managed to find a unicorn. It was a nylon-reinforces v-belt with just the right height and snugness. There was no tension on the belt, so it should last well past every other component in that deck.

Yeah, that was a lot of fun.

simmonsfield115 karma

Not sure where you live but find a classic car restoration shop. That'd be a cool job.

touchmyfuckingcoffee145 karma

Man, I'd fucking love that. But, for jobs like those, you need thousands of $ worth of tools (I don't). We don't have the best market for many successful resto shops in my area, but if I came across a job opening, I'd certainly jump on it.

SalineForYou118 karma

Is there a vacuum that sucks more than losing your job?

touchmyfuckingcoffee204 karma

Frankly, I've been miserable at company for years. My wife says it's for the best as I'd have probably never left otherwise.

lalonarota112 karma

Maybe you could help me! I own a tailoring/reupholstery business, and am constantly vacuuming up pins, needles, staples, and THREAD, LOTS OF IT. I have gone through 2 standard vacuums so far, and my shop vac doesn’t seem to be cutting it. The thread clogs up the brush, and the hose attachment just does not pick up the volume I need it to. Half of my shop is carpeted, half is sealed concrete. Do you have any suggestions for a vacuum that I won’t destroy and can handle sharp objects?

Thank you in advance!

touchmyfuckingcoffee242 karma

I got just the thing to add to your vacuum....

Search Amazon for a vacuum magnet bar. Attach it to the front of your vacuum.

lalonarota86 karma

Oh my god, thank you so much! Any advice on a vacuum that I won’t clog the brushes up with thread?

touchmyfuckingcoffee96 karma

They all will have some issues. Pick up the thread before you vacuum.

lalonarota60 karma

Thank you again! I’m sorry about your job. If have any interest in industrial sewing machine repair, definitely look into that. I know where I live (Long Island, NY) repair techs are few and far between, and the ones I know are nearing retirement.

touchmyfuckingcoffee34 karma

Thank you. If we had a garment/textile industry here, I would look into that.

RocMama102 karma

I was just searching for your old AMAs so I could look into purchasing a new vacuum. We have mostly hardwood floor but we do have one room and one staircase of carpeting. I’m trying to locate a reasonably priced (under $500) vacuum for just those areas mainly. I wondered what vacuum cleaner you personally use in your home or what your favorite is overall? Our Dyson sucks, and not in the way I’d like lol.

touchmyfuckingcoffee141 karma

If you can't spend more than $500, I'd look for a slightly used Miele or Riccar vacuum. You'll be able to still find some seriously quality vacs that way.

ejsandstrom99 karma

What do you think of the Rainbow vacs? They pick up dog hair like none other that I have used but not sure about the rest of it.

touchmyfuckingcoffee98 karma

30 years ago, they were some of the best on the market. That is not the case today. The just cannot compete with modern canister vacuums.

WhoDoneItNow70 karma

What is the future of vacuums and where do you see yourself in 20 years?

touchmyfuckingcoffee112 karma

I don't subscribe to prognostication, but you can look forward to more powerful cordless vacuums, better filtration and such. I don't see robots taking over the market for quite a while due to their current capacity, power, and run-time limitations.

I'd love to find myself in a robotics career. It's a shame I don't have an engineering background.

silenthanjorb59 karma

My sister in law's mother in law (who is a jackass), sells rainbow vacuums multi level marketingstyle, and won't shut the hell up about them. What are the best reasons to not own a $3k vacuum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee137 karma

Rainbows suck half as much as and cost twice as much as the best premium canisters on the market.

Good luck trying to get that digital motor controller replaced when it fails on you.

I guess the best reason to now own one is you're not an idiot.

CyclopsorNedStark34 karma

Whats a good way to clean out the bristles on my vacuum? It seems like there's a lot of gunk built up in there, or is this just me being kind of a germophobe. Good luck in your next adventure-a good vacuum man is worth his weight in filters!

touchmyfuckingcoffee55 karma

I have a video on my youtube channel that will help you with that.

meginmich31 karma

I hate that you lost your job, I've always liked your AMAs. :( Where do you live (in general)? Maybe one of us redditors can help you out with a new job.

touchmyfuckingcoffee21 karma

I'm in north Texas.

Thanks for the very kind words.

msuroo27 karma

We just bought a house with a central vac, and while it’s great for sweeping dog hair off the hardwoods (and the kick plate in the kitchen is awesome), it doesn’t do anything on carpets or rugs. Is this normal? Is a better attachment worthwhile, or just keep using a separate vacuum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee40 karma

Riccar has a super powerful power nozzle for carpets and rugs that will supercharge your current CV unit. They may have recently changed the name of it, but you can check their website or go to your local dealer.

TopTrigger26 karma

Sorry about your job. Have you thought about fixing things in a different industry, such as windows? There is a huge market.

touchmyfuckingcoffee35 karma

Thanks for the kind words. I'd rather stay in management in some sort of industry, solely because I'm getting older, but whatever I do, I'm sure it will be very hands on.

stutterstep125 karma

I was lucky enough to find your previous AMA's and really enjoyed them! I wish you such good luck, and hope you post again with updates on your career. So, I have a little question?

I vacuum, and next time a bad sour smell blows out if there isn't a new bag in it. Bags are kind of expensive so I try to wait until they're at least half full. We have pets. I suppose I don't vacuum as often as I should, about once a week. I can't afford new carpet and what I have now was laid in the 90's. For us it was a major investment. Can I add something to the bag to keep that sour smell away? I have a Hoover Steam Vac. Should I add some bleach to the water I use in it? Or baking soda? Or vinegar?

touchmyfuckingcoffee49 karma

First, you need your carpet professionally cleaned. Also have a cleaning service done on your vacuum and see what better filtration options you might have.

Throw your steam vac away. They're horrible for your carpets.

crossboneslife20 karma

I'm so sorry about the job situation. Are you doing okay?

touchmyfuckingcoffee70 karma

I'm trying to keep the crippling depression at bay. I did quit drinking so much, though.


thedirtyj8149 karma

how many vacuums do u service in a week ? i never realized their was a job for this. im used to the cheap cheap ones that u pitch when it breaks

touchmyfuckingcoffee27 karma

Personally, I've been able to knock out over 30 vacuums a week. Across the three stores my former company had, we could easily do 150 or more repairs each week.

alt-fact-checker8 karma

You are easily one of my favorite people on Reddit, and I'm sorry about the shit situation you got put into.

I don't really have a question about vacuum cleaners, but I do have a Chevy that's not starting and has a P1400 error code on it. If I wanted to try to fix it myself, is there a site or forum you'd recommend going to?

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

Youtube, my man.

LoraxDick6 karma

I'm looking for a vacuum for my car, any recommendations?

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

Check out the Riccar Supraquik.

fishermanhumor5 karma

What is the best vacuum choice for an all hardwood floor house, with a yellow lab that sheds a LOT?

touchmyfuckingcoffee13 karma

Any good canister vacuum would be the most efficient for you.

out_of_serotonin5 karma

Hey there vac tech dude! I have a question for ya. I live in a 40' motorcoach and have 2 cats. I also have BADD lungs. I have an air purifier but I need a vacuum that will actually work in a small space like this. The little dust buster on a stick isn't cutting it. What would you recommend?

Side note: my parents had this huge steel kirby from the 60s when I was a kid, we all learned how to work on it, replace belts and unclog it. That thing is still kicking! They just don't make em like that anymore.

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

Well, first you need a vacuum with great filtration. I don't know if you prefer canisters or uprights in that small space, so I'd recommend you visit your local vacuum shop and see what they might have that fits your needs.

zirtbow4 karma

Dumb question but I have a Miele C3 that has worked wonders. Now in my one room I have a pretty thick carpet. About 1-2 weeks I go over it with the C3 and it seems pretty clean. I recently got a Dyson V6 stick vacuum and if I go over the same thick rug with the dyson immediately after cleaning it with the C3 the Dyson always gets some dust. I've taken the Dyson apart 100% and cleaned it inside out so it's all from the carpet. Still gets some dust... is the Miele actually missing stuff or is getting smaller deposits of dust something Dysons do better?

edit: I've go through all the height settings on the Miele and even have it set to "max" suction. I replaced the bag and filter with OEM Miele versions so everything should be working right.

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

That's not a surprise, really. You're just not making as many passes as needed over the carpet to pick up all of the dust. The same thing could be replicated with any number of different vacuums.

ObscureReferenceMan3 karma

Damn! I loved your AMAs, and have recommended them to friends and family looking for new vacuums.

I guess I need a question... When do you recommend NOT using my regular vacuum (2018 Simplicity), and using the new shop-vac I got for Christmas?

Best of luck to you in your job search.

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

Don't use a shop vac in your home. Never attempt to suck up any liquids in a residential vac.

zirtbow3 karma

What is your opinion of Dyson stick vac's and I don't have the article right now but I thought I saw something where Dyson said they wanted to produce only battery powered vacuums in the future. If I'm not dreaming up I heard that.. what would you think of such a thing?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

As far as cordless stick vacs go, I think Dysons are arguably the best.

omgdracula2 karma

What brands would you recommend? What brands would you stay the fuck away from? My parents have like 3 Kirbys and I "inherited" one from them while they still have two to use that are self propelled since they are older.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

I recommend Riccar, Simplicity, Miele, Sebo, Fuller Brush, and Evolution.

Stay the hell away from Shark in particular and any bagless vacuum in a box store.

anon_mouse182 karma

I teach at a martial arts school that uses large canvas mats as flooring. Over time, dirt gets tracked onto the mat by shoes and the dirty feet of small children... we use upright vacuums and vacuum daily, but we've had trouble with the durability of those vacuums as they aren't intended to be used at such high frequency. Is there a commercial grade (but hopefully still somewhat economical) solution that would work well in terms of durability and keeping the mats clean?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

You definitely need a commercial vacuum! They're not super cheap, but nothing that lasts will be.