Hi everyone! I'm Carlos, a certified sex coach and licensed therapist. I help people with their relationships, communication, sex life and LGBTQ+ concerns.

I also speak on the topics I specialize in on my youtube channel "Ask Carlos" and at workshops. Ask me anything ! Nothing is off limits :)

my proof: www.youtube.com/askcarlos

more proof: https://imgur.com/a/nTPAgRQ

edit: <3 Thank you all so much for your UH-MAAAAAAAAZING questions! you DELIVERED !!I had waaaay too much fun lol I will try to answer as many questions as i can. If i couldn't get to yours, find it in your kinky hearts to forgive me!!!! Make sure to subscribe to my channel on Youtube www.youtube.com/askcarlos?sub_confirmation=1

for weekly kink lessons, and more answers to your questions! Use the contact info on youtube to send me more questions, which I will answer on a blog. Good night! xoxoCC

Comments: 836 • Responses: 68  • Date: 

Fingerdickinyeah351 karma

What is the most bizarre kink or fetish that you have come across in your time as a therapist?

askcarlostv492 karma

OOOOH, THAT IS A TOUGH ONE!!!!! after hearing so many , you get a better understanding as to why they get people off. This makes them not as "bizarre" as they once were, if that makes sense. But i would say diaper fetish is still one that always fascinates me. I really should make a video about it . Thanks for the question!

xoxoCC

Fingerdickinyeah107 karma

Yes! That one makes me cringe with curiosity why it’s such a common fetish?! The one that probably confuses me the most is people who have sexual relations with inanimate objects. I have some personal possessions that I love and I’m proud to own, but to be turned on by that object enough to attempt intercourse with it is another thing altogether! Lol

askcarlostv204 karma

hahahaha!

Most of the time is the "ooooh, im so naughty" thought that makes it exciting. "im going to put this remote inside me cause I'm so bad" "i'm going to bang that watermelon cause Im so freaky"

catamongthecrows310 karma

What advice could you give to a couple with different levels of libido?

askcarlostv433 karma

Compromise and lots of FOREPLAY!

first, have an open and honest discussion about each other's needs. Sex is something that is needed not just for yourself but for a healthy relationship. It bonds people together and increases relationship satisfaction. Stress the importance of it and put yourself on a team

"I really value our relationship and sex is a big part of relationships. I want to make sure we are getting our needs met and that we both feel fulfilled. How can we work on improving our sex life?"

When there are different libido levels you might have to schedule playtime. That might not seem "hot" but if you can agree to have sex at least once a week or whatever, your minds and bodies will adjust. It will also decrease the chances of going months without sex. Now foreplay is really important. Make sure you have at the very least 30 minutes of foreplay. This can be everything from flirting, to oral, to roleplay, or even some dirty talk. The more you warm up the better. Especially if a woman is part of this equation as it takes them longer to really get going then men. Talk about fantasies and discuss which you would like to try. Switch things up, get that excitement going again! Maybe even get daring! Surprise your partner with a quickie somewhere, tell them how sexy they are. Do everything you did when you were first trying to get them in bed :)

xoxoCC

wef1983163 karma

What if your low libido partner doesn't enjoy foreplay? I always try to start with oral, hands etc and she just wants to move to penetration. We have had numerous discussions about turn ons etc and the most I've ever gotten is "I like when you are on top". I've tried numerous mediums for these talks, text, email, in person so that she doesn't feel pressured and has time to think but nothing improves.

She also has never had an orgasm as far as I can tell and seems to accept this as normal. I've never had a problem bringing my partner to orgasm before, so sex ends up feeling really selfish. She insists that it feels good though.

Any thoughts?

procrastablasta95 karma

This is my wife too. She's never really liked any kind of foreplay, and it degenerated after having a baby. Now even kissing is off the table and she's given up on trying to learn to orgasm. I never pressure her but I think she's pressured herself right out of her own sexuality. Which means MY sexuality is dragged along

askcarlostv109 karma

let her know that you find her so irresistible and that you have to be inside her. Women require mental stimulation. Do some nice things for her, get her a babysitter for the night, get romantic again, etc.

jfager1668 karma

Hey ! Woman here! I’m one of many ladies in the world that needs a vibrator to orgasm during intercourse. My husband can make me cum with oral, and I love it, but prefer to climax with him inside me as it goes from just clitoral to full body. That being said, you say she has never orgasmed at all? If that’s the case, I would encourage her to play by herself and see what works for her. OR have a sex session dedicated only to her. She may feel pressure to climax and that stops it because a lady’s brain can really fuck up connecting to herself physically.

I’m no expert tho!

askcarlostv26 karma

have you tried the wevibe ? great for couples !

catamongthecrows7 karma

Thank you so much!

askcarlostv5 karma

no problem! make sure to check out my channel for more tips and tricks :)

Thatinsanity2 karma

What if you don't have time/are too tired for 30 minutes of foreplay?

askcarlostv8 karma

It can be 15 minutes of dirty talk and 15 minutes of oral, etc. foreplay can be blowing in their ear, sucking on their finger, etc

LuckyJenny285 karma

So is “lesbian bed death” a real phenomenon or is it lore?

/asking for a friend

askcarlostv575 karma

That's so funny, i was literally just talking about this with a colleague not too long ago. The thing is, that this type of thing happens to all couples , regardless of orientation. The longer you are together the easier it can be to let the hot sex go. I always urge my clients to make sure to have some sort of sexual activity at the very least EVERY THREE WEEKS. It really is a use it or lose it situation. The more committed you are to your sex life, the more likely you are to avoid the lesbian death bed and enjoy a lesbian hot bed

xoxoCC

LuckyJenny56 karma

Thanks for your response!

askcarlostv47 karma

anytime :) if you have any other questions feel free to reach out. My contact info is on my youtube about me page :)

Thornypotato217 karma

Hi Carlos! My fiance and I enjoy kinky sex, but sometimes I'm in the mood for certain things and sometimes I'm not. For example, sometimes I want to be slapped during sex and other times I don't like it if he slaps me, just depending on my mood. What is a good way to signal to him when I'm ready for this kind of sex and when I'm not?

askcarlostv347 karma

hi! i LOVE your username!

That is a discussion you have to have BEFORE doing the nasty. Have a talk about it before you have sex.

You might bring it up during foreplay dirty talk , "i'm so bad i might need a slapping" or something of the sort. This will keep the mood going while signaling that you are down for it that instance. You might also specifically ask for it during sex, or set it up to where he can only do it if he asks during sex like "i think you might need a good little slapping" if you say "yes, baby, i need it" then he can proceed. if you dont you can respond with "what i really need is for you to keep pounding me" or " "what i need is a good hair pulling" etc". I would really encourage you to talk about setting up a safe word. "i really enjoy slapping during sex every now and then but i want to make sure we set some safewords so i feel more comfortable" . Use one for slow down and one for stop.

xoxoCC

hyrule68202 karma

Do you think an asexual and sexual person can make it work? My girlfriend is asexual and it’s been causing so much strain. We know the other can’t change, so we’re at a crossroads now.

scottduvall277 karma

Hello! Not OP here but I do have some friends that were in your situation and have talked a bit about it, so I hope this helps. I have also been in relationship counseling with a partner who was straight but sex-averse.

Keep in mind too that being asexual isn't the same for everyone, obviously, and neither is libido and so on. The following is just what worked for my friends.

A big part of it for them was communication; the asexual partner enjoys the act of sex while it is happening, but doesn't often think about or therefore persue it. The sexual partner has learned how to best communicate "hey, I could really do with some sex right now," and the asexual partner, generally, willingly and happily obliges, but also of course has absolute freedom not to. Anyone should always feel free to turn down sex in a relationship, everyone has bad days, gets tired, etc. The two have known each other forever, trust each other, respect each other, and are happily married and everything is working out great, so don't lose hope!

Now, if your girlfriend is asexual and sex-averse, that is a whole separate thing to work on together. It is completely valid for you to say "sex is something I want in any serious relationship I am in, and while it obviously isn't the entirety of what a relationship should be about, it is baseline requirement for the relationship, as much as talking to each other, spending time together and so on." It is unrealistic to try and convince yourself that you'll be totally happy in a sex-less relationship, and not eventually resent your partner if things are completely sexless.

At the same time, it is completely valid for her to say "sex is something I'm not okay with having. It's worse than a non-desire, it is actively unpleasant and every time we have sex it feels like you are forcing me, even when I let you, and I hate being so hurt by someone I love so much." If she is in this boat or something like it, then you both need to closely reconsider continuing the relationship. While further communication might get at the reasons why sex is so unpleasant for her, it won't necessarily make her enjoy it. If the two of you have perspectives on sex that are set in stone and don't align, then the heartbreaking truth might be that a relationship isn't the best way for you two to be in each other's lives.

Now, hopefully that isn't the case and hopefully OP has time to respond with some professional insights, but regardless, one thing to take away from your gf being asexual is that regardless of not thinking of you in arousing ways, she still chose you to be her partner. Whether it's your humor, your intellect, your charisma, your good-naturedness, etc, she chose to be with you, and she chose with the brain in her head not the brain in her pants. You are appreciated and valued for who you are and the decisions you make, not what you look like, and a lot of people don't have that.

If I am completely off-base or misrepresenting anyone, I sincerely apologise and will gladly remove my post. As I said, this is just from my experience, and I wish you the best.

askcarlostv70 karma

thanks for sharing!

bad_at_hearthstone53 karma

One of you is going to have to deal with having sex they don't want, or with not having sex they do want. That sounds like a question that only you two can answer.

askcarlostv71 karma

agreed. there is a difference with "want" and "desire" here. She may want to have sex to please him and strengthen the relationship but not desire it...which would be probably the best outcome lol Now if she has sex she does not want to have and does not desire to have....its a problem

askcarlostv47 karma

It can work. But there will have to be some type of compromise on both ends. What that compromise is depends on both of you. Get together and discuss not "how we can make this work?" but "WHAT can we do to make this work?"

"what can we do to get both of our needs met?"

xoxoCC

Mitochondria420141 karma

Any recommendations for a married couple that needs to spice things up? We both love doing the deed but it's become a bit routine and are looking to change things up.

askcarlostv264 karma

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8W2FvZ-cSyw

I go into detail there. But there is this great "sexercise" i recommend for couples. It will leave you with tons of ideas to spice things up. in a nutshell :

Grab some notecards and write down fantasies you want to turn reality. Exchange them and put them in 4 piles “hot, lets do it” “ not hot for me, but I will try it with you” “ sounds hot, but lets talk more about it” . “not hot, aint happening”

set a sexy date to get everything you will need to make your fantasies a reality by going to the adult store or stay at home with a bottle of wine and shop online. It can be a bit of foreplay as well. Just thinking about it while shopping will get you hot and bothered. Plus, having everything you need will make things much easier lol

then set some dates, wether it be every two weeks, once a month, etc. Set a particular day that will become your “fantasy fulfilled night’ . A few days before pull a card from the "hot lets do this" and see what you guys have to prepare for. Once you get through those, you can go to the next pile. Then use the "lets talk about it more pile" to think of some new ideas.

thanks for your question! let me know if you need more ideas :)

xoxoCC

JustBoolinMemes54 karma

Thanks man, you are a fucking baller!

askcarlostv103 karma

Anytime :)

I didn't choose the baller life...the baller life chose me ;p

Alistairio108 karma

What supposedly fun and kinky things are more harmful to a relationship than people realise? Or is everything dependent on the strength of the relationship in the first place?

askcarlostv149 karma

hi ! Great question!

I wouldnt necessarily say that it depends on the strength of the relationship...although that does play a role. The stronger the relationship the better the communication is....most of the time. The real problem happens when one individual (or individuals if in a polyamorous relationship) is not honest about their comfort level with a certain kink. They do it to please their partner(s) but dont enjoy it. They may downright hate it or find it degrading (to either party) . The more they do this, the more the other person thinks "they must be into this as well" while they are really thinking "why am i doing this?" "who is this person?" "this feels wrong". Kept to themselves, these thoughts will become toxic and the relationship will suffer. Before agreeing to anything, there must be a serious (it can be a bit playful) discussion about boundaries and what is acceptable/not acceptable, safe words, as well as comfort level going into it (ex: "im not sure if im into it, or comfortable with it but i will give it a shot"). After a scene, it's really important to follow up and check in. "was that comfortable for you" "was there anything that made you feel uneasy?" " are there any concerns you have " "anything that you need to make it a more positive experience" etc. This will increase comfort and trust. Its important to really respect boundaries. When we feel our boundaries are respected, we are more comfortable expanding them

xoxoCC

Alistairio6 karma

Cool. Thanks.

askcarlostv5 karma

no problem :)

ToniT80087 karma

I am 31M and only had (very bad) sex once. Am I lost to society? This gives me a lot of insecurity when it comes to relationship( even though some beautiful women show interest towards me) , because pretty much everyone expect you to be an experienced lover in that age. How do I even start? "Ehm...honey, i dont know how to have sex, can you teach me?"

askcarlostv120 karma

You are not lost! the best sexual partner is an enthusiastic one. As long as you are eager to please, things will work out :) and if you actually do say "can you teach me" you may be surprised at the positive reaction and lessons you will get . Consider subscribing to my channel as I will have videos on pleasing women and giving them a trigasm in the upcoming weeks

www.youtube.com.askcarlos

xoxoCC

FG39V9-176 karma

Have you ever analysed the roots behind your own fetishes?

askcarlostv175 karma

I think people spend too much time trying to dissect the origin of their or their lover's fetish. If you enjoy something, and it causes no harm, just enjoy it. Sometimes, fantasies and fetishes aren't that deep. Some have deep roots and some dont. I am a big control freak.....so i like to be submissive and be put in my place from time to time. the root of my kink behind submission is not that groundbreaking lol it's actually pretty common. I do also enjoy the casual choke.... that might have some deeper roots lol Just haven't cared to go balls deep into figuring that one out lol

xoxoCC

illyafromuncle56 karma

Howd ya score that gig!?

askcarlostv159 karma

I used to be obsessed with dr. sue when i was younger. Then i became a therapist and then i decided to focus on sexuality. Im a very "extra" person and super perverted so i had to play to my strengths lol

illyafromuncle41 karma

Believe in your dreams!

askcarlostv110 karma

dreams really can CUM true ;P

gible_bites54 karma

I’m a cis woman who feels zero “pleasure” from PIV or oral sex. I’ve been sexually active for over a decade with several partners. I’m not on any medication at the moment. I was raised to be sex positive in a non-religious home. I was never abused. I WANT to have fun sex. I love my boyfriend dearly and I’m absolutely sexually attracted to him.

Is there hope for me? Is there something I’m missing? I feel like the media portraying sex as a pleasurable act is one big joke on me.

KimHartley2451 karma

I had this problem. Touching myself felt like touching a healed wound--like the thin pink skin where you've skinned your knee and it's still a little tender and uncomfortable. I was able to get past it by using a Magic Wand and being patient. It was uncomfortable at first and I had to place it on my thigh skin instead of making direct contact but after a few attempts spaced out I finally had a very weird orgasm. After that it was like my nerves woke up or something and over time I was able to feel more and more down there until one day I was able to bring myself off with my hand. I still feel nothing with PIV but having pleasure/orgasms at all is a definite win.

gible_bites24 karma

I’ve tried vibrators (I currently have a Womanizer 2 knock-off that doesn’t do much for me) but not a Magic Wand. I’ll try and give it a shot but it’s so discouraging wasting money on sex toys!

I wouldn’t even mind PIV being ineffective but the lack of clitoral pleasure is what makes me feel inhuman. I don’t even care that I’ve been unable to orgasm in the 17 years I’ve been experimenting with masturbation; I just want to experience some sort of sexual pleasure with my boyfriend.

askcarlostv25 karma

do you feel any pleasure at all? there are various types of disorders

there are arousal (ex: dont feel anything at all, no arousal, etc)

desire (not wanting to) anorgasmia (no orgasm) or pain related (pain during sex) .

Depending on the situation, there are various steps you can take.

if it's arousal , there are different lubricants and creams you can get , some from your doctor.

Beenhamean53 karma

Have you ever seen a kink damage a relationship beyond repair?

askcarlostv76 karma

Yes!

It can happen if two people have totally different mindsets when it comes to sex. Sexual compatibility is really important. When people dont get their NEEDS met, after a while of suppressing those thoughts...they WILL act out. This can lead to infidelity, betrayal , loss of trust etc.

There is a difference between wants and needs. Needs are things that we simply cannot live without no matter how hard we try. Some people NEED to feel dominant in the bedroom. If they dont get it from their relationship, they will have to get it from somewhere.

i think having an open conversation about sex is crucial before getting into any relationship. People should know what they are getting into BEFORE they decide to be "official" .

The most damaging thing is really the lack of communication and honesty.

xoxoCC

PM_ME_UR_HIP_DIMPLES53 karma

What steps can I take to having better orgasms? I think back to 15 years ago and the thrill is really lacking.

askcarlostv35 karma

can you give me some more info. gender, kinks etc?

PM_ME_UR_HIP_DIMPLES33 karma

Sure. I'm a cis man, hetero, 32. I'm a bit of a sadist but I'm pretty vanilla as far as kinks go. It's more about the physiological side that I'm curious about

Edit: butt stuff apparently

askcarlostv80 karma

I would recommend venturing into trying to achieve multiple orgasms. http://www.climaxwell.com/

has a great dvd that will show you how to do it.

You might also venture into your g spot...which will require you venturing into your rectum. Probably not what a hetero man wants to hear, but it will really give you a great orgasm lol

BrighterLater50 karma

What steps would you suggest, for a man or woman, who has lost touch with their sexuality and wishes to reengage with it?

askcarlostv47 karma

Figure out what cause you to lose touch in the first place. Was it an emotional, or traumatic event? A physical limitation? a toxic relationship?

Then allow yourself to break free from those chains and explore with yourself. re-explore your body. get to know yourself sexually all over again. Masturbate, try different toys, watch some porn and find out what gets you going and then just let yourself enjoy. Once you know what makes you tic, you can begin looking for someone to enjoy with :) If you are still having problems it could be hormonal or medical so make sure to check with a doctor . If everything checks out ok, its psychological and you might want to seek a therapist. Hope that helps :)

xoxoC

Cockwombles42 karma

Not sure if this is too much of a bummer or realtalk.

I’m in the closet about my gay/bisexuality, is that why I’m homophobic?

To clarify, I’m not hateful. I’m genuinely scared of those LBGTQ things.

What can I do to cure those negative thoughts?

And will curing the homophobic thoughts make me homosexual? I’m currently engaged to a woman and am male.

TheRecklessOne27 karma

I'm not the therapist, but you've said you're in the closet about being gay/bisexual AND that you're worried curing homophobic thoughts will make you homosexual?

If you already know you're gay/bisexual but you haven't told anyone, then you're homosexual regardless of wether you have homophobic thoughts or not.

If I'm misunderstanding and you're saying you're straight but have homophobic thoughts then no, curing the thoughts will not make you homosexual.

What actually scares you about LGBTQ things? Are you intimidated by them? Excited and then feel shameful? Do you just find the agenda annoying? Breaking it down and taking some time to think about it might help you in the long run.

Whatever happens wether you realise you're attracted to men or not, nothing changes. You're still you. You're still the same person you've always been.

askcarlostv38 karma

Very well said!

To cure the "negative thoughts", which I am assuming are the homophobic ones, you will have to just get comfortable with your own sexuality. Bisexuality is real , if you are into men and women, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Trying to avoid and suppress thoughts only magnifies it. like when you are on a diet and you cant stop thinking about cake....the more you think about it, the more distressed you are. you then tell yourself "cake is bad" "cake is the devil" . But if you acknowledge your feeling "wow, i really want cake" and then rationalize it " but i have committed to being on a diet , you wont have that lingering feeling. Yes you might still want cake but wont be so obsessed over it.....or annoy everyone by telling them how bad cake is for them

myzipis0213935 karma

I see from your verification that you're a licensed counselor, but what does "certified sex coach" mean? Who is this certification authority, and why should I trust that this certification means anything?

askcarlostv21 karma

there are various ways you can get certified as a sex coach in many different ways and with different specialities. A sex coach certification simply means that a person has gone through a program to learn more about sex. You could be a holistic sex coach, tantric sex coach, on and on and on .I chose to go with dr.ava caddell's program as she is the sexologist i have admired for like ever and i wanted some variation in my training , but at the same time i continue to get more formal continuing education credits related to sex as part of my ongoing licensing requirements and to obtain certification as a sexologist.

princerobot_33 karma

Is there a method for women to have easier orgasms?

askcarlostv98 karma

yes. first and foremost, women must learn how to give themselves orgasms. Everyone should take control of their own orgasm and feel confident verbalizing what they need with a partner. If she can learn how to give herself orgasms, she can teach her lover how to give her one as well. Everyone will orgasm differently. She may need more clitoral stimulation, more g spot stimulation, anal stimulation or all of the above (trigasm). The more she finds out about herself the better. Doing kegel exercises will also help improve her orgasms.

xoxoCC

Stockyton24 karma

Hey, i was sexually abused as a kid and raped as a young adult. I am fairly certain these events contribute to the fact I've never had an orgasm (24 female). I can get to the plateau but not an orgasm. I have done a LOT of masturbating and have lovely, sexy attentive partners. Anything else I should be trying?

askcarlostv27 karma

I would suggest finding a therapist you feel comfortable talking to. It might just be a mindfuck thing you are doing to yourself right before climax.

or you can try stimulating different parts and seeing if you can orgasm those ways. A trigasm vibrator might be a good option :)

xoxoCC

Sh1ttyScience22 karma

Do you think polyamory is wrong?

What can we do to keep languages of origin separate?

Is multiamory preferable over polyphilia?

askcarlostv42 karma

I do not think that polyamory is wrong in general. i have worked with many polyamorous individuals and relationships that are all very well adjusted and really make it work. I think that it is wrong for some people. Everyone has to do what is right for them and not overthink semantics. The words dont matter to anyone else. If you love two people and they are down with it, great. If you want to have the occasional threesome with your consenting partner and someone else, do it. Call it whatever you like :)

xoxoCC

arcosapphire22 karma

I know this is a common joke, but it's so stupid. We have a huge amount of words in English with mixed roots (like television, for instance) and nobody complains because there's nothing wrong with that. Why people go nuts over "polyamory" about it, I have no idea, but it's so tired.

askcarlostv14 karma

people go nuts with things they do not understand for some reason

Snowbank_Lake19 karma

Since you're a professional, where do you think the line is between a simple weird fetish and something that indicates some kind of mental illness?

askcarlostv40 karma

The DSM V , A diagnostic manual which professionals use to diagnose (in this case paraphilic disorders) has clear guidelines. in A nutshell, this fetish must cause some serious psychological distress and have a negative impact on aspects of their life (work, relationships, school, etc) . if a person can engage in their kinks, not feel bad about it, and have the rest of their life in order, they are good to go lol If the person has, say a cuckold kink, and they ruin their relationship by talking about it, lose their job by watching cuckold porn all day, and feel so guilty about wanting to have their wife banged by some other guy that they cant function....there might be a disorder

Sendmeloveletters19 karma

How do you deal with the self-hatred that comes from opening up to a partner about a fetish, then opening their mind and saying they want to try it with you, and then afterwards laying harsh judgement on you and saying they can never see you the same again, damaging the relationship and your sense of self worth to the point where you feel so much shame you’re certain you got every std ever from a pretty mundane safe-sex experience with a pretty normal threesome partner and that you deserve to die alone and miserable because you’re some kind of sexual degenerate and are unworthy of love, life, or compassion?

Asking for a friend...

askcarlostv18 karma

I would remind your friend that they are lucky that this person is no longer with them. It would not work out in the long run and they would never truly feel sexually fulfilled. Now they can find someone who enjoys what they are into and feel what it is like to be in a relationship where you can be completely honest and have the hot kinky sex you want , and feel GREAT about it! I would remind them that they are amazing and that they deserve to have ALL of their needs fulfilled! And then I would tell them to subscribe to my youtube channel to learn all about kinky stuff every week ;)

donglosaur19 karma

Do you think gradual normalization of fetishes pushes people into weirder shit or do you think people are just weird as shit to begin with?

Ever since real porn got taken over by incest and cucking both my fiancée and I have been going 2D with no regrets.

askcarlostv8 karma

I'm sure it does for some people . Just with like any other thing, eating , sex, drugs, money. Some people find a healthy balance, and some just need more....to a fault

temporarykachoo15 karma

Thank you so much for doing this!

What are the key things to look for when it comes to identifying a good sex coach/therapist, and what are red flags?

askcarlostv14 karma

Hi!

connection is everything!!!! You will have to feel comfortable talking about some very intimate things. You want to make sure it's someone who you can be CUMpletely honest with without worrying about what they might think/etc.

A red flag ? hmmmmm, this one is hard because i feel that most of the times it's not a "bad therapist" but rather a bad fit. But i would stay away from anyone who will not offer a free consultation. In this consultation, if they dont really know the lingo of your particular interests that would be a red flag. If you are into fisting and your sex coach is unfamiliar with the term "rosebud" you might want to look elsewhere lol

xoxoCC

frighteninginthedark13 karma

How do I get the quotes from Stormy Daniels' book that keep leaping unbidden from headlines into my brain out of my head?

Forget sex for a minute, I'm afraid I won't be able to eat or play Mario Kart anymore.

askcarlostv30 karma

lololol Im sure you can ask her lawyer...tell him it's for an interview. He'll talk to anyone it seems

theizzeh12 karma

What the best way to get someone to open up? My partner doesn’t like discussing anything regarding intimacy

askcarlostv13 karma

Try some conversation cards. There are plenty you can get on amazon. Some are naughty and some are just funny, etc. But they will get the conversation started without the pressure of thinking of things to say, etc. You can use them while commuting, or just at home as a game night sort of thing. They will get him talking and you an branch out from there :)

xoxoCC

forestjock8 karma

Any advice for a couple with wildly different libidos? My husband's sexual appetite has decreased significantly over the past few years and it's been incredibly tough on both of us (yes, we've communicated about it.. Over and over and over again).

askcarlostv6 karma

I know i replied to a similar question on here. But I would suggest him going to see a doctor to see if there is anything physical or med related going on. If everything is working properly, you really need to plan, not talk about it. Set particular sex dates each month, and increase foreplay. Also find ways to spice things up . i give some tips here https://youtu.be/8W2FvZ-cSyw

xoxoCC

CaptnSauerkraut6 karma

Hey Carlos, you're a legend for doing this. Your answers so far have been a great read and very insightful.

My question would be, how do you get over the feeling of having missed out in the past?

A little background: I was in a relationship during my whole time at university. That relationship ended shortly after, I got a job moved to a new town and so. Now, I have a new girlfriend that I love very much and she has been quite active during her time at university. This shouldn't be a problem but I always get a little sad/angry when I think about it because I feel like I missed out and there's no way I will have a chance like that again. It's a bit like a sexual retroactive FOMO. This is causing nothing but trouble but I can't seem to stop it.

Would be amazing if you could give me any advice or tips. Thank you!

Edit: Put the question first.

askcarlostv5 karma

Thank you!!!!

i feel for you! FOMO is just too real sometimes !!!!!

Do this, ask yourself "what experiences would i have wanted to have" and "which experiences would be even better"

and then see which you can do with your partner. Obviously, there will be some things she will not be down for, but I'm sure there will be a lot of thing she will be more than happy to give a helping hand, mouth, or hole with. lol

have a steamy public quickie, road head, watch naughty films together, go to a strip club together, try some toys, role play, etc.

Do some sexually epic things with your partner that would make your college self blush!!!!! Just start !

the worse part of FOMO is the time wasted thinking and bitching and not doing! And let me know how it goes! contact info on my youtube about me page

youtube.com./askcarlos

Redgunnerguy4 karma

What happens if a Client of your says hes into kids aka a pedo?

askcarlostv22 karma

it depends on the situation, the therapist and the circumstance. With licensed therapists there is a duty to report, which outlines what you should do in the situation.

If it's a client that i have been working with who reveals thoughts (not actions) of pedophilia, we might use some cognitive behavioral techniques and depending on the outcome there might be a referral to a psychiatrist or someone who specializes more in that

RikerT_USS_Lolipop3 karma

I once heard that the only thing more disturbing than the number of men with daddy/daughter fetishes, is the number of women with daddy/daughter fetishes.

Do you have stats on those? I don't know why I'm asking since the vast majority of people wouldn't answer such a survey truthfully.

Your answers in here make me feel like I'm coming out of a time warp. "couples should be having sex at least once every three weeks" "porn in a marriage is perfectly fine!" "If women aren't having fun in the bedroom then they need to learn how to give themselves orgasms first."

All of these are things I've said to myself in the past but all the professionals on tv seem to take a puritanical approach and just support whatever the woman is saying no matter what. Like Dr. Phil could defend a woman beating the shit out of her husband for him watching porn when she won't fuck him and I wouldn't be surprised in the least. I guess I'm so used to being told these thoughts are misogynist that when a professional finally says something that I consider normal I'm shocked.

askcarlostv3 karma

sexual attitudes have changed so much. We have learned so much more about sexuality and behavior and have learned to embrace that we are sexual beings who should not carry shame for liking certain things we like. In the past it was a bit different because people were afraid to talk openly and honestly about their sexual likes and dislikes. It was tabboo.....it still kind of is, but not to the same degree. The dsm has even changed what they would consider sexual disorders.

I wish i had stats on what you are asking about, but as you noted not many people will respond truthfully about it.

For the most part those kind of fetishes arent based on "incest" so surveys would have to differentiate between "you want to bang your daddy" and " you want your lover to say "who's your daddy". One is about incest, one is more about power and even feeling comfort. Sorry i dont have particular stats for you, but thanks for the question :)

xoxoCC

RaizumaIV3 karma

My girlfriend of 8 months up and decided we should take a break a couple of weeks ago. She has been seeing a therapist for about a year, and has decided recently to pour all of herself into fixing her issues and shut me out completely. We haven't broken up and we still talk occasionally (2x a week maybe), but I'm unsure of what to do. I trust her enough to know that she will find a way through this and I haven't pressured her to open up unwillingly. What can I do in the meantime while I await the outcome, good or bad, and how can I help myself cope with the helpless feeling while I wait?

askcarlostv9 karma

So sorry to read about your experience. It must not feel good to feel left out....even if it's while she is working on herself.

I would simply continue to provide support and then when you feel the time is right, have an open conversation as to where she is at and what she might need for you to move forward with the relationship. Avoid timelines but maybe something like "i really thin that it is great that you have taken this time to work on yourself. I admire you for that. I really value our relationship and am interested in knowing where you are at in terms of us. Is there anything you need from me to feel more supported and comfortable moving forward?"

Then take it from there. That said, you also need to consider how long you are willing to be in limbo.

In the mean time use the time to work on yourself as well. The stronger you are on your own, the better partner and support system you will be for her. let me know if you need anything else. my contact info is on my youtube about me page.

xoxoCC

RapedByWerewolves3 karma

Why do some gay men insist on not telling their partners that they have HIV and still have unsafe sex? I’ve read multiple articles about this and California even passed a law that allows knowingly exposing others to HIV.

askcarlostv8 karma

I wish there was a simple answer to that!

the reasons i've heard go from "i didnt want to be rejected" to "i dont know" . Ive even had one person say that they felt like maybe they were trying to get "revenge"

It's a terribly irresponsible thing and needs to stop.

That is why you have to take care of yourself for yourself. It's something you have the power to prevent from happening to you. THANKS FOR THE QUESTION!

xoxoCC

randomuserzzzzzz3 karma

I'm a 41 yo man and from age 16-39 I was always interested in sex. Recently I noticed that I didn't care as much so I got checked out. I've been diagnosed with Low testosterone and have been taking Clomid in order to increase it. According to my latest bloodwork, my T is back to normal, but my sex drive is still pretty low. Any ideas how to get it back in gear?

askcarlostv6 karma

That is actually one of the main reasons i advise clients to see a doctor when they have those concerns. I would give it some more time and try to see what sort of things you are excited by. You might find that you have some new interests, or might respond to different stimuli. Try and enjoy your body and find pleasure again. The most important thing is for you to relax and just really FEEL things out. Try different visual stimulation, and see what works for you. I would really just give it some more time

Pexd2 karma

What are some signs you can use to distinguish Love versus Lust?

askcarlostv4 karma

would you spend your horniest night with person and be ok if you didnt hook up in the morning ? if so, it could be love. if not...

xoxoCC

Galoots2 karma

What advice do you have for someone who is physically disabled and in a lot of pain?

I was married for 10 years, and am having trouble in the dating department as well, with my limited mobility, and being 50 years old limits my options as well. Just not a deep dating pool. Suggestions please?

askcarlostv3 karma

i would suggest trying some dating sites and being honest about your concerns. If they already know about your mobility concerns and still converse, your chances are better and have to avoid that dreaded talk. Hope that helped even a bit

MrGoodieMob1 karma

Why is it really hard for me to cum with new partners? I’m 29, have no problem getting erect, but with new people i find it difficult to finish.

askcarlostv4 karma

you are overthinking it. Try to just let go and enjoy yourself. Focus on giving your partner pleasure. Watch their face as you thrust, try getting verbal, jut loose yourself in the moment and dont focus on cumming.

Penfragon1 karma

Which did you specialize in first, LGBT or kink? Why do you think people often mentally group or associate these two demographics together?

askcarlostv2 karma

LGBT, as I am part of the community, so I knew a lot more about it before formally learning about it. i think they are grouped because for the most part the lgbt community has much more relaxed views when it comes to sex.

gamefreac1 karma

i am a guy and i know for certain i like women. that much i am comfortable with. however my first sexual experience was with a male friend when i was around 12. it was just experimenting. i am not opposed to the idea that i may like men also, but i have yet to experience any sort of sexual feelings towards a man. what would you tell someone in my situation?

i have always identified myself as straight because i have only ever felt attraction to women before. i am not sure if it is just that i am straight but am comfortable with homosexuality or if i am truly bisexual.

askcarlostv2 karma

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyncKYt8sA0

If it was the only time you have been sexual with a man, it sounds like good old fashioned experimentation. Although sexuality runs on a spectrum from totally heterosexual to totally homosexual. Very few people are on the extremes, most fall somewhere in between. Also maybe you are biromantic? if you feel like you can be romantic with a guy but not want to bang them, you might be. i explain it more in the video i linked

xoxoCC

Bn_scarpia1 karma

Can you recommend a primer on how to explore roleplay? I'm pretty vanilla but want to make sure more enjoyable for my wife

askcarlostv2 karma

it's kind of the perfect time of the year for this! With halloween around the corner there will be so many costume shops around. Have a sexy date, and then go to a costume shop and talk about what you guys might be interested in . You can even try on some costumes and see which get the blood pumping. Nurse and patient? adam and eve? nun and priest? they are all there and waiting for you guys to look through and try on! if you feel a bit odd, you can always wait till halloween and give it a go

xoxoCC

MrFeatherman1 karma

[deleted]

askcarlostv2 karma

Just acknowledge it and move on. Its trying to stop the thoughts that make them unstoppable.

BlueZir1 karma

What's the difference between kinky/not kinky and why is kink so associated with LGBT?

askcarlostv2 karma

That is really up to the individual to decide. What one person considers Kinky , another might consider boring.

The LGBT population had to learn to embrace their sexuality in a different way than non lgbt. They are more open with their sexuality , and therefore more visible. but in reality anyone can be kinky

BGAL70901 karma

How often do most people imagine themselves being born as the opposite gender?

askcarlostv3 karma

more often than you might think. but for various reasons. now if there is body dysphoria with it, there might be something else going on

janes_left_shoe-2 karma

How do you help people deal with kinks they have that are uncomfortable for them? I’m in a lesbian relationship and I’m more femme and my partner is more masculine. I get really turned on by some bdsm elements, mostly submissive stuff, but that creates this situation where it feels like patriarchy is leaking into my sex life.

askcarlostv7 karma

I know exactly where you are coming from!

The thing i always try to remind everyone is that fantasy and reality are two different things. Dont try to overthink how your worldview plays into your kinks. They are two different things. One is reality, one is a fantasy you are turning into reality.

BDSM is a power exchange between consenting adults. You consent to be submissive in the bedroom.

That does not mean that you consent to being submissive to the patriarchy . Hope that helps!

xoxoCC

Notthesameasyou-13 karma

During your certification process, was their any discussion about "people + animals" and if so has the academic world begun to accept the differences between furries, ponies, zoophiles, therians, lycanthropy, and just plain old bestiality? I think it is great that LGBT continues to gain momentum, but for those of us reincarnated, identifying as, or otherwise enjoying our animal-ish lives, there are more and more states specifically outlawing our alternative lifestyle with animal kinships. Can we ever hope to see the 'Z'oo placed at the end of those magical letters (LGBTZ)?

askcarlostv1 karma

LOLOLOLOL

yes there were many discussions about people and animals as well as people dressing up as animals in the bedroom. I dont foresee the Z being added to the other magical letters, but I am not a psychic. Maybe you can consult with one?