scottduvall469 karma2013-03-04 16:45:33 UTC
There was a lottery winner who told absolutely no one that he won, but instead asked around to all of his friends for a little financial help. "Hey, I'm struggling, could you help me out..." He only had one friend who helped him out willingly, and was really there for him. Everyone else abandoned him. Then he told everyone he won the lotto. Nobody came asking for money. The one friend who did help was more than reimbursed and stayed a good lifelong friend.
View HistoryShare Link
scottduvall277 karma2018-09-18 17:44:57 UTC
Hello! Not OP here but I do have some friends that were in your situation and have talked a bit about it, so I hope this helps. I have also been in relationship counseling with a partner who was straight but sex-averse.
Keep in mind too that being asexual isn't the same for everyone, obviously, and neither is libido and so on. The following is just what worked for my friends.
A big part of it for them was communication; the asexual partner enjoys the act of sex while it is happening, but doesn't often think about or therefore persue it. The sexual partner has learned how to best communicate "hey, I could really do with some sex right now," and the asexual partner, generally, willingly and happily obliges, but also of course has absolute freedom not to. Anyone should always feel free to turn down sex in a relationship, everyone has bad days, gets tired, etc. The two have known each other forever, trust each other, respect each other, and are happily married and everything is working out great, so don't lose hope!
Now, if your girlfriend is asexual and sex-averse, that is a whole separate thing to work on together. It is completely valid for you to say "sex is something I want in any serious relationship I am in, and while it obviously isn't the entirety of what a relationship should be about, it is baseline requirement for the relationship, as much as talking to each other, spending time together and so on." It is unrealistic to try and convince yourself that you'll be totally happy in a sex-less relationship, and not eventually resent your partner if things are completely sexless.
At the same time, it is completely valid for her to say "sex is something I'm not okay with having. It's worse than a non-desire, it is actively unpleasant and every time we have sex it feels like you are forcing me, even when I let you, and I hate being so hurt by someone I love so much." If she is in this boat or something like it, then you both need to closely reconsider continuing the relationship. While further communication might get at the reasons why sex is so unpleasant for her, it won't necessarily make her enjoy it. If the two of you have perspectives on sex that are set in stone and don't align, then the heartbreaking truth might be that a relationship isn't the best way for you two to be in each other's lives.
Now, hopefully that isn't the case and hopefully OP has time to respond with some professional insights, but regardless, one thing to take away from your gf being asexual is that regardless of not thinking of you in arousing ways, she still chose you to be her partner. Whether it's your humor, your intellect, your charisma, your good-naturedness, etc, she chose to be with you, and she chose with the brain in her head not the brain in her pants. You are appreciated and valued for who you are and the decisions you make, not what you look like, and a lot of people don't have that.
If I am completely off-base or misrepresenting anyone, I sincerely apologise and will gladly remove my post. As I said, this is just from my experience, and I wish you the best.
scottduvall2 karma2014-12-19 22:06:04 UTC
He could try using the green robin hood style hat
Copyright © 2014 BestofAMA.com, All rights reserved.
reddit has not approved or endorsed BestofAMA, reddit design elements are trademarks of reddit inc.