Asian female dating coach who helps good guys find dates, AMA!

What’s a reason couples argue about and don’t realize it’s common amongst other couples?

Small random little habits. From leaving cabinets doors open, taking too long of naps, forgetting to send a "good morning" text

It's small habits or action that can mean a lot to another person -- but the partner doesn't know. And it somehow leads to a bigger argument about other topics.

People, after, think "are we crazy?" but it's quite normal to find yourself in a huge fight starting from something so small

Interesting? What is the most common issue you see with your clients?

An extreme lack of confidence along with mindset (internal struggles, barriers, self-doubt, self-sabotaging, overthinking, etc)

What are some common examples of internal struggles and barriers that your clients have? Just trying to get a better understand of the mindset.

Overthinking (specifically, thinking too much on what the other person thinks, the outcomes, the potential for rejection, etc) and self-sabotaging (e.g. "eh...no way she would like me" or "I'm not good enough, I should stop trying") are the top 2!

What if you're on a date and you both just don't have anything to talk about with each other so the conversation is just awkward and silent and you're trying really hard to come up and say something well anything but you just don't have anything to say and for a brief moment of time you do get a passing thought but nope it was just that funny meme you remembered. Oh wait, maybe I can tell her the funny meme, but then you forget it's a game of thrones meme and she never watched game of thrones so now you're stuck awkwardly back to square one except you've wasted an entire minute in silence. What do you do then?

Say what's really on your mind! And OWN that it's random "random thought, but I just thought of this meme....are you into memes?" -- "random question, I just thought of how I had to grocery shop later....how do you eat during the weak? meal prep?"

If she doesn't look like she's having a good time, it's okay to say "I just wanted to check in -- how are you doing, are you having a good time?....oh just cause you're quiet" -- some people really enjoy silence and are quiet haha so it's helpful to know

You're the pro so I'll take the advice, but asking "are you having a good time?" when things are awkward screams insecurity to me.

If you ask all the time, yes -- that's awkward. But asking once shows you're observant and you care. You're not saying " do you even like me?? Am I doing something wrong??" -- now that may scream insecurity.

If she's not having a good time, you're allowing her the opportunity to express that and not waste anymore of your own time. It can be painful, but short term pain for long term gain.

In your experience, what has a higher chance of success - "opposites attract" or "2 birds of a feather flock together"?

Has this changed within different generations (i.e. millenials vs gen z)?

I used to say "opposite attract....then attack" haha

If two people are completely opposite, it's their high attraction towards each other that keeps them together, but I do not hear as much easy harmony happening. It's not typically an easy road.

Definitely, a high chance of success is when couples share similar beliefs, values, and lifestyle.

The top qualities that makes a couple long-lasting? Adaptability and Understanding.

What do your parents and the rest of your family think about your career path?

Honestly, they don't like it and will find any opportunity to slide in "soo....you should get a real job" haha

It's a topic that isn't brought up. It's mostly my parents and elders. The younger generation of my family, of course, are extremely supportive.

Aren't the parents in a lot of Asian cultures the matchmakers so to speak for their children? I would think that your job could be explained as a necessary product in that frame of thinking.

Yes. So if they were to explain it to others, they'd say it's like matchmaking. They understand what I'm doing, but can't completely grasp the whole concept because I'm "coaching" -- they think "can't you just put a body in front of someone and all problems are solved?" when that's not necessarily the case haha

It's like how they don't believe in therapy. So when I was training and was a therapist, they found it strange because they truly believed there's no such thing as "internal" obstacles and to get help in that.

What does "Just be yourself! XD" mean, and do you even agree with that sentiment or how else would you improve that advice, or that type of advice-giving by well intentioned friends and family?

Thanks!

I totally understand this question, it's like when people say "just be confident!" -- it can feel vague. It DOES have an underlying important message for dating success though. And that is being your authentic self. Being your full, unapologetic, strengths-and-all, self. Allowing yourself to have fun, stating your opinions, not being scared to challenge the other person. Authenticity is when you don't seek approval from others and you accept yourself....fully. When you're able to do that, the right dates will come, while repelling those who aren't right. And, you have fun in the process because you're being yourself. I hope that helps! :)

I would also respectfully add to this that there is a distinction between “just being yourself” and “being the best version of yourself.” Nobody has to drastically upend their personality in order to find someone, but everyone should be trying to put themselves in a position where their good qualities shine over their bad ones.

Yes! I love this. We're all working on ourselves everyday, all we can do is be the best versions of ourselves and work towards being who we want to be

How do you handle it when they claim that they are being themselves when they're being rude, and downright mean people?

Then, I don't spend time on them

So when do you reveal the bad, relationship-ending, ones? After sex? Engagement? Kids?

When you feel the relationship could go far (so earlier on), you want to share that with them so they can understand you fully and to see if they'll be your supporter in your growth with it. And if not, simply understanding it's a part of you

Do you get Asian men as clients? I'm really curious about their experience, something recently brought to my attention by my Asian colleague is how skewed the dating realm is for Asian men and women. Apparently, Asian women by and large prefer to date non-Asian men (especially white men), which I thought was crazy since I think men and women naturally gravitate towards someone of the same race/culture. He told me to make a mental note of couples I saw, and sure enough, almost every time I saw an Asian woman with a partner, it was usually a white man. It could just be the city I live in, but he pointed me towards research that suggests this is commonplace.

So I guess I'm wondering if Asian clients bring this up or you mention it to them, and if so, how you address it? And why you think it's this way?

Random question I know, something I never really thought about until an Asian friend of mine pointed it out.

Absolutely, my Asian clients have brought this up. I even talk about this race/ethnicity preference in my Tedx Talk so you can give that a listen.

I address it as stating, yes -- it is a true researched fact. However, it does not mean iT'S EVERYONE. There are still so many relationships out there that are Asian female - Asian male, there's even relationships of Asian male - Caucasian female. Just because you see it wherever you walk, This doesn't mean it's impossible.

What I have seen though is, women are extremely attracted to men who are confident, bold, courageous, secure, and unapologetically themselves. Most Caucasian men already have this. They were raised in an open and warm, supportive family, who allowed them to be who they fully are.

Due to our Asian background, some Asian males still err on the side of shy, reserved, and quiet. Growing up from a traditional, strict family that has expectations for them.

Of course, it all depends -- everyone is different. But, that's what I typically start off with when this comes up.

And fact, my boyfriend is an Asian male haha I was open to any race, but he definitely is confident, bold, compassion, and all those things.

Best place to find a suitable match in real life that's not online dating?

Honestly, anywhere -- really! Haha. But, it's about going to public locations that are suitable for you and what you're looking for. For example, grocery stores and bookstores has been great locations for my clients. When I say grocery stories, there are so many to select from -- so my healthy fit clients go to Whole Foods, etc. They start talking to ladies there.

Bookstores -- talking about books, etc. It's great!

From what Ive read, eHarmony (and other sites owned by the same company) use some rather unethical strategies to keep their male users to spend money, such as creating a ton of false accounts, displaying dead/inactive accounts to give an illusion of popularity, or have employees pretend to be users just so those members renew their subscription or whatever.

As their former employee, how do you feel about that?

Also aside from the somewhat generic traits like confidence, kindness or humour what would you say are the most important personality traits to Western/European women?

I don't agree with it and am aware it happens so communicate it to my clients. There's a reason why I'm not there anymore, hah.

Courageous and Compassionate (alongside confidence, as you know). Then, a sense of drive or ambition -- desire of more for the future

Do you think online dating has, in general, caused a serious decline in the self confidence of good intentioned guys that use them? If so, do you have any thoughts on how the problem could be fixed, not on an individual basis but for the general population?

Unfortunately, yes :( it's like feeling slapped everyday multiple times.

In general, always checking in with own mindset. Not allowing an app take you down so low, only limiting your time on it, taking a break when you need it, and when you come back -- seeing what you can do differently and try again. Seeing how things can go right instead of "ughhhh i hate this, this will be another dumpster fire"

And always remembering, only you can reject yourself. Feel good about who you are, build that, and don't let people you don't know damage your own self worth.

How do you know someone is a good guy? Do you ever encounter guys with toxic qualities that you have to help them address?

I get to know who they are internally -- how they look at life, how they approach certain situations and people in their life.

There are definitely people who proclaim to have good intentions or even "a gentleman" when they're not. Everyone's definition of it is different, but to me in my work -- it's about how they perceive others, their own view of how to treat others, level of awareness, and such.

As @jussnf pasted from another question that was similar, I pasted it too above. As for if I encounter guys with toxic qualities, I do and I make them aware of it (I'm not scared to call them out or challenge them), then I tell them I'm not a good fit for them to work with, and give other resources

Although I'm currently in a relationship, I'd like to ask a question that relates to my experiences.

I understand that women play an important role in dating by vetting potential partners, but I've also been on too many dates that have felt more like job interviews. Sometimes I feel on a date that counterintuitively this keeps me from figuring out if there is actually any chemistry. I usually just disengage a little when I get the vibe that things are a little too corporate. It is frustrating because I want to communicate that the date isn't fun, but I also want to tell the person I'm dating that I really want to get to know them better on a deeper personal level. But what happens is that I just kinda get less verbal as the date goes on because I'm not enjoying myself, and I actually end up not giving a good impression. So I'm dissatisfied because I didn't test chemistry and they are disappointed because I came off as aloof.

So how can I control the conversation better?

It's not much about the conversation, more about the environment. Be at a place that is casual and comfortable or do something that is fun and you can converse about getting to know each other on a deeper level still.

For example, something as simple, grabbing coffee, NOT sitting down, but then walking around the area and exploring. walking, talking, randomly pointing out observations, adds lightness and fun to the situation while you're getting to know each other :)

Mini-golf is pretty fun too!

So what are your thoughts on PUA (Pickup Artists) and their strategy of Getting Girls? For example books such as The Mystery Method, or Teachings from Richard La Ruina

I don't align with it. I don't promote being someone you're not to get the girl, spitting out one-liners, and filling a void. Nothing against them though because that definitely works for certain type of men :) I help men who want more of a long-term healthy relationship -- and getting the girls through the PUA method doesn't set a good foundation

Met a girl online that seems really cool and when we talk it seems like she's enjoying the conversations we have, but I notice she won't message me unless I message her. Been about a week of light convo and we get along fine (and still seems to go well when we talk), and I know it could be her being busy, but I'm worried (see: insecure) she's just too nice to tell me off. Is there any way for me to ask why without seeming insecure?

Have you met? If not, ask to meet and see if she agrees and meets you (then see where it goes from there) If she plays it off, then she's most likely not interested

Hey Ruby. I appreciate you taking the time to do this. If a guy doesn't have Facebook, Instagram, social media, is that a red flag? Do women actually care if i have a social media presence? Is this a trait that is only predominant in women under 30?

No problem, I'm glad you're online so I can help :) trying this out and who knows if I'll do this again months from now haha...

It can be for some women. The reason is because they feel you may have something to hide. It's a form of a "background check" for ladies. However, you'll be okay IF you state your reasons for not having it from the beginning. My older brother doesn't have social media and does totally fine dating because he talks about it pretty early when he finds interest in ladies, AND if anything -- he gives them photos of friends, events, family, etc. To prove he's real haha and has a life

And yes, for women in their early 30s max. But, definitely the more younger, the more they care about it.

How do you vet people for good intentions? Every man whose ever been on a date claims to have good intentions.

I get to know who they are internally -- how they look at life, how they approach certain situations and people in their life.

There are definitely people who proclaim to have good intentions or even "a gentleman" when they're not. Everyone's definition of it is different, but to me in my work -- it's about how they perceive others, their own view of how to treat others, level of awareness, and such.

Heya! Awesome work.

What would you say is a very common element between most of the clients you help out? What's your usual way of working with said element?

Thanks! Most of my clients have been burned (sometimes over and over, for many years) so they lack the confidence and have a lot of fear. This is what stops them from approaching ladies, etc. I work through it with them by giving them tools to overcome that out in logical format (we literally use excels haha) that makes sense to them. It's a lot of mindset work, basically -- reframing, retelling stories they've been saying to themselves for so long, or what others have said that brought them down

How have you personal relationships been? Longest relationship? etc

It's been a journey, with each relationship having it's own lessons. I'm grateful for all the wonderful memories and experiences, the obstacles I had to overcome myself, and learning more about who I am, the kind of partner I wanted to be, and what I really wanted in a partner. Longest relationship was 2.5 years, engaged, but broke it off after reflecting it wasn't healthy and right for both of us. I'm currently in a committed relationship that I'm very happy with :)

Can you please explain the etiquette of meeting someone online? Is the first meeting a date?

Online can mean several things -- IG, facebook, or online dating sites.

Social Media -- build rapport, express interest, and using specifically the word "date" or "take you out" to show you want to date them. "hang outs" are hang outs

Online dating -- first meeting is a date. People are online dating to specifically date, there aren't questions with that

M43, became suddenly single 6 months ago when I discovered my wife of 22 years was having an affair. Almost ready to start dating, but here's what I'm wondering: My looks are ok (a 7 on a good day, we'll say) but I look great on paper: 6'4", very fit, very successfully self employed, no debt, love kids, volunteer firefighter, general nice guy. Should I be throwing all my good points like this in a dating profile, or should I put minimal info on there and let potential dates who are curious get the details out of me later?

First off, believe and know you're a good looking guy with a lot of give. That's it. No labeling yourself with a number.

Those facts they can see by the demographic section you fill out (minus no debt, but there's no need to say that)

Write more about your strengths, how you look at life, what you value, your personality traits. You're still keeping them interested by NOT saying something like "I like hiking, biking, running, playing sports" and instead saying "I enjoy a variety of activities that allow me to challenge myself physically and mentally'

Throw those kind of good points :)

Hey, thank you for being here and doing this. When I started putting myself out there to date more I noticed a disparity between the amount (American) men and women decide to “make the first move”. What do you think about this and do you think it impacts dating culture in a significant way?

Thanks again for being here!

It stems from the old-fashioned way of a man courting a woman. I don't think it impacts dating culture because at the end of the day, it's about the person. A bold woman who isn't afraid to initiate, will do it. A man who isn't afraid to, will do it.

Yes, I will say though, it's tough if a man is incredibly shy and never makes the move because most women still want to be approached and chased though.

If you’re not the most attractive in the room, how do you raise your value to even the playing field??

Approach and start conversations that are different from the rest -- having a good balance of talking about yourself (that makes you unique, don't talk about the same ol qualities others are) AND asking curious & intriguing questions to the other person. Find where you connect and ride off of that

Hello. What is your opinion on long distance relationship? How can a couple make it work? Thx :-)

It can definitely work :) as long as the two understand each other on what the other needs to feel connected & loved, having plans to see each other next, while also being clear on the what the goal of this relationship is (when will this long distance end?)

I’m currently seeing a girl who just got out of a long term relationship. She doesn’t want to put labels on anything and wants to stay somewhat distant but at the same time still wants to see me every other day, go on dates, etc. Should I stick around until she’s ready for a relationship again or should I stop wasting my time?

I'd have a honest conversation with her about what she is looking for and wants from you. If she's not ready for the labels, what would it take to get her there?

Also have boundaries for yourself -- only treat her a girlfriend if she's an actual girlfriend. And if she's wanting all of this attention without that label, you can state "I'm not as comfortable because we're not in a relationship" She can't have you as a boyfriend with all the perks and doesn't call you one

Any tips on meeting women that are fit or at least not fat? It's REALLY bad out there

If anyone reading thinks this is superficial, know that you too have a breaking point when it comes to weight. 250 pounds? 300 pounds? 500 pounds? At some point you will say no. Weight is just one aspect of health maintenance - people who don't brush their teeth, don't bathe, or have lice in their hair are all off the table too. All of these are and should be corrected.

Definitely meeting women at fitness classes (hello, yoga!) -- use the app Classpass so you can hit up a lot of different studios, gyms, leagues, meetup.com has a lot of fitness groups

If you join online dating, making sure you put on your profile how much you value being active and healthy

Asian woman here as well. Thank you for all the work that you do! There's not enough people out here willing to help lost men.

1. What do you think asian parents need to do differently to raise strong masculine sons in a western country?

2. Where do you hope to see yourself in 5, 10 years?

Appreciate the kind comment :)

1. I think it'd be helpful if parents encourage autonomy -- pushing him to make his own decisions that are best for him, his overall growth, and standing up for himself (his opinions, thoughts, etc) when challenged, and owning up taking responsibility for any mistakes. I think there's still a lot of "We want you to be this way" with asian parents so to shift that dialogue.
2. I hope to have a platform that reaches out to more singles to expand the help while still having one-on-one clients (I truly enjoy working with clients and seeing their results, but I want to still help more in any small capacity)

What is the fine dividing line between being yourself and just being one-sided? For instance, accepting and owning yourself is a great way to attract a significant other, but relationships take work, sacrifice and comprise between partners, together. Obviously communicating is a huge key to it, but what is a self “red flag” that you might need to look inward to solve a relationship problem?

I'd think a self red-flag pops up when you understand where the problem is rooted from. Is it really them or is it you very-well blowing it all up? it's found best when there is understanding of the partner.

I love Kristen Bell's and her husband example (I think it's on Ellen show?), where he'd always get so angry for her leaving the cabinets door open and he'd shout at her for it. But, then, he realized it's HIS problem because he doesn't like it -- she's fine.. So either he tries to change HER (and is that really necessary?....not really) or he changes his own mindset and weight he puts on that for some reason. Especially because she's not intentionally trying to cause him harm.

My wife and I married 25 years ago and you couldn't pay me to single today... Does today's technology impede people from being their true selves or does it just enable who they already are?

Haha, congrats to you and your wife, hold onto her ;)

It's a little bit of both. People can hide behind screen easier so they can pretend to be someone they're not. But also, because they're hiding behind the screen, they can see whatever they want with no filter (internet bullying is the worst...)

After studying and practicing in the field of forming relationships and etc, were some reflections you had on your family/culture's way of approaching this field?

I come from a South Asian family background where relationships and such are just...different in various ways. You mention your cultural background so I assumed you grew up around a perspective that differed from what you might hold now.

Oh yes, there were many breakthroughs as I was studying and working in the field, in the sense of what has been fed to me since I was young. I had a lot of reflective moments of "where did this thought or belief come from? do I agree with it? do I need to?"

Honestly, i view relationships incredibly different than my family. It's been a core of huge arguments and created distance in our own family relationships. Thankfully, due to my studies and practice, I was able to grow and progress in the communication with my family about such topics. We're better now than ever.

Some reflections I had on their way of approaching, which I understand and respect but it's not for me:

1. You take in EVERYTHING to make a relationship work -- this can include abuse, neglect, and more.
2. Status & security is the number one and only important factor in selecting a mate
3. Don't speak about your problems to anyone or even your partner, don't ask for support, handle it yourself
4. There's no such thing as happiness and finding someone who makes you happy. You'll learn to be "okay" with it

Beyond rules one and two, what effective "no duh" dating advice is there that people ignore?

The FIRST thing that comes to mind is when people say "no one answers me when I send a message!" and I read their messages and it's a "well....no, duh. HOW do I even respond to that?"

That's why I created this video recently haha: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OocxAmmWzEM&t=2s

The second is when men wonder why women don't respond well when they approach them in public asking (exception is a bar) "so whats your name?" and "how are you?"

Unless you're a Ryan Gosling-look alike, women will hesitate because people forget they're a complete stranger. So women will think "uhhh....what do you want...."

Apparently Reddit doesn’t need any dating advice. Makes sense for foreveralone...

But for real, I travel a lot for work and am only home on the weekends. This put a lot of stress on my last relationship and was one of the contributors to that relationship ending. I have since started to see another person, who says that she gets that I travel a lot for work. I feel bad for her, since she works on weekends and I don’t get to spend much time with her. We’ve talked briefly about this and have continued to do so, but I don’t want her to end up hating me because I’m not around and oh work schedules contradict quite completely.

I’m going to continue to make this a point of communication in our budding relationship, but I also don’t want her today she doesn’t mind not seeing me as much as one would expect, but have it stew. Any advice? Or is open and honest communication really the only thing to do regarding this (and just see how things progress)?

I think it's important to understand how you both fill your "love tank" I've known many couples who travel or have odd schedules that barely see each other, BUT they were able to still make each other feel loved all their lives.

Figure out what your 5 love languages is and whenever you do have time (or not), make sure you give each other that. From what I see, maybe she's not a "quality time" girl which works out! Maybe she's a "words of affirmation" girl so if you're always validating her, then that's truly enough for her :)

You can figure out your 5 love languages here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ -- it's amazing!

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That's strange. However, there's more to consider with this kind of situation.

Looking at the type of women you're interested in -- ladies who aren't ready or mature for a real, loving relationship go over the not-so-good-for-them guy. Quality ladies would like what you have to provide, but there's more to that

Women are attracted to confidence (sometimes, on the brink of cocky) guys. For example, even if a guy has no direction, he isn't afraid to state his opinions, do what he wants, says what he wants, makes the move on girls, etc. He's bold and challenging to them. So, there may be that factor playing in too. There's more than just age, career, and stability that attracts certain ladies

So you teach people how to date Asian females?

I coach singles on how to find the right person for them