IAmAn owner of a swingers club. AMAA!

Why is there so much desire for bisexual females but so much hate for bisexual males in the swinger community?

It really upsets me that that's how it is, and I'm trying to fight that with Country Club's singles policy. We allow singles of both genders.

I think it's because, even outside of the swinger community, it's more socially acceptable for women to be bisexual than it is for men. Society in general seems to accept as fact that "girl on girl" is hot, but "guy on guy" is just for The Gays. eye roll

But, it is true that the supply and demand is heavily skewed -- there are many more single men interested in swinging, than single women. But I think the solution to that is to let in an equal number of both, rather than shunning one gender altogether.

So do your events have gender-based pricing?

Nope.

[deleted]

enforced gender ratio of 50/50 as stated in post.

[deleted]

Um...why? 20 men ask, 3 women ask. You accept all the women and 3 of the men. Next time same women different men but lo behold 50/50 split achieved.

I'm really curious what this [deleted] post used to say. Uneddit isn't working for some reason.

I'm really curious what this [deleted] post used to say. Uneddit isn't working for some reason.

Does it ever become aggressive when someone is rejected? Is there more a code word in place rather than just someone generally having to deal with the normal sense of rejection?

/u/kgmoenguin Just speaking for myself and the clubs I've attended, there are rules you sign upon entering. One rule states no means no, and the clubs take this seriously. If approached by a man, and I respectfully decline, he is not to approach me a second time. If he does, a simple nod to the bouncer will have him removed from the premises. I have never had to do this myself, but I have seen it happen. Usually it's a bit of alcohol involved, as all the clubs I've been to are also BYOB. I've never seen aggression or a fight, but have seen men removed.

Yup, that sounds about right!

I'm sure it does, though thankfully I haven't experienced that as either an attendee or a club owner. I have heard of this happening twice in the 5 years I've been in the lifestyle...

Generally, people are pretty nonchalant about rejection. It's never a big deal. Not everybody has to be into everybody else, and there are plenty of fish in the sea... or, at the party. Most people in the lifestyle become friends before they jump into bed together, anyway, which I think makes that even less of an issue... One of our best lifestyle friends is a couple that we've known since day one, for five years now. We party together all the time -- they actually co-hosted the party we threw last weekend -- but we have never hooked up with them. I don't even remember who rejected who or when; it just seems that we aren't into each other that way. But it doesn't mean we don't get along.

The people that do tend to handle rejection poorly are usually new to the lifestyle. They feel more pressure to hook up with people, because that still seems like a big deal to them. But, club owners are generally very strict about that sort of thing, and have a one-strike policy. People that don't take "no" for an answer are simply not welcomed back.

Have you gotten any hate from the community? Also, what are the typical ages of your members?

No, actually! Or at least, not yet!

I am in my mid-twenties and my husband is in his mid-thirties, so we aim to draw people around our age. Which is actually easy, considering that we are located in a college town! Our average member's age is in the late twenties. This is younger than what you'd find in your average swingers club.

I'm glad you're not getting hell from the community. I live a few hours north west of there, and know how close-minded the people can be.

Good luck!

Thanks!

Me and my girlfriend are both 18 years old. Is this old enough for the club?

Yes! The age of consent in Illinois is 17, so that is the age minimum that we enforce.

However, many of our events take place in bars, so we have to respect their age minimums as well. Luckily for you, many bars in Champaign-Urbana have an age minimum of 18 or 19 for entry (though obviously, you still have to be 21 to drink).

How did you as couple talk about becoming swingers, and how do you prevent each other from getting jealous?

I had always been into the idea of an open relationship, but all of my old boyfriends were appalled at the idea. I met my now-husband as I was getting out of a terrible relationship. We really got along, but I didn't want to get into another monogamous relationship, as I wanted to try this "seeing multiple people" thing, since I never had a chance to do it before. I told him this. He wasn't into the idea of polyamory, but somehow we arrived at swinging as an idea. And we lived happily ever after :)

How do we not get jealous? A lot of communication. We have some ground rules. For example, we only play with others together, in the same room. We only hook up with another couple if we are both into both of them, and vice-versa. There are plenty of times where he is into her, but I'm not into him, so oh well, it can't happen. No questions asked. And then, there are some more silly rules... For example, two of my past serious boyfriends have left me for a specific type of woman (as an example, let's say, a short redhead with huge tits). My husband has had a serious girlfriend like that before, as well. Since I am a tall brunette with small tits, this repeated coincidence has made me insecure around those kind of women, and, as ridiculous as it is, they are off the table for him. It's a silly, nonsensical rule, really. But it makes me uncomfortable, and he respects me, so it's off the table. It's important to respect your partner's feelings, whatever the reason.

Before we hook up, he and I have a brief moment to ask if we both really want this, and what is on/off the table; just a 5-second chat. During the act, we make sure to check on each other often, even if it's only with eye contact and a nod, or a shake of the head. No matter how much fun I'm having, if he shakes his head that he's not having a good time, I find a graceful way to get us both out of there (or vice-versa). Afterwords, we talk about what we liked and what we didn't, and how it will affect next time.

Is it fair to ask what the racial demographics of your parties tend to be? I always seemed curious about these things.

I would imagine the demographics at parties tend to match the demographics of the city where they take place, as well as the demographic of the couple that is hosting... My husband and I are white, and in our case, the demographic is mostly white. We do have several black, Asian, Middle-Eastern, and mixed couples, but it's mostly white.

Do you offer a buffet at your events? I was a DJ at a swingers club in Atlantic city, NJ for a year and always thought that the buffet was a weird element. Edit: The club I worked at was an onsite place so that might have been what made it odd.

Ha. No, we don't...

Though, yesterday we did a takeover at a venue that does do that, so, they did provide food at no extra cost to us. I wasn't going to turn down free food! Also, it was a day party (4PM-12AM), so, providing dinner made sense in that context.

But yeah, I've been to several venues where that was the norm... I hadn't thought about it before, but yeah, that is a little strange!

I was intrigued by your policy towards single men since they're soo many men wanting to hangout and stuff.

Anyways, since you mentioned you're very selective on men. What sort of precautions do you take? Is there anything I, I mean WE could do to get in a bit easier?

We require everyone (couples, single women, and single men) to apply to join the group. The application is the same for everyone. All that it means for single men is that they have to try harder...

E.g., we ask applicants to submit a photo. We might accept a censored, vanilla photo like this from a couple, but a single man would have much better chances if he submitted a photo that shows both an attractive face and an attractive body. He would also have to write more about himself to really impress us in the free-text "tell us about yourself" section.

Wait, so you only accept people you deem to be conventionally attractive enough? Proving to be D&D free is expected, but allowing membership based on appearance seems rather discriminatory.

I do wonder how that would go? Doesn't everyone have different opinions on what's attractive?

Sure they do. But we are the ones putting our time, resources, energy, and money into throwing free events for people that will hopefully become our friends... So, it seems fair to me.

An alternative would be to share the applicants' pictures with all of our club members, and having them vote on who they think is attractive. But I hope it goes without saying that that's a terrible idea.

What is the worst meltdown between a couple/s you have seen?

He got jealous that she seemed to be having too much fun... So he outed the couple that she was spending a lot of time with. Like, he sent photos to the other woman's place of employment. Damn.

I never spent much time with them; they seemed unstable as a couple and as individuals from the beginning.

Wait, you don't lock up phones?

All of the swingers groups have secret facebook pages (invite-only, and hidden from the rest of the web). People post their sexy pictures there all the time; that's where he got the photos from. Some people (like this woman, thankfully) don't include their faces in these pictures.

So what happened to the woman?

The couple that caused all the trouble got banned from the lifestyle. The organizers that throw these events are actually all friends in addition to being competitors, and they let each other know when something like that happens. They got blacklisted.

As far as the woman that got outed - I'm not sure on the details. She is still in the lifestyle, and still working at the same job. I think she had plausible deniability; she never shared nude photos that showed her face.

I think she had plausible deniability; she never shared nude photos that showed her face.

Also, most employers aren't going to fire you because someone else spread nude photos of you. Yeah, there are some companies that are very conservative or positions where you are the public face of the company that are exceptions. But honestly, most companies won't care as long as there's no scandal for the company itself.

She works with children, and I could see her getting fired because of something like this.

But even if not, the embarrassment, rumors, etc. would be just awful.

How does a couple go about finding a club like this? I feel like my fiancee and I would love this but wouldn't know how to even go about finding a swingers party. If you are going to suggest backpage or CL, are there red flags to watch out for?

Doing a Google search for "swingers club [city]" will get you started. For some reason, people never think to just google it!

Other than that, there are plenty of "dating" websites for swingers. Some of the bigger ones are Kasidie and SwingLifeStyle... If you want to try out Kasidie, put in CountryClub in the "referred by" field and you'll get a free month to try it out :)

I can't really imagine myself being entertained by the idea of swinging, that is, my most loved one having sensual time with someone else, but I'll ask anyway... There is one thing I wonder about every time I happen to read about the swinging lifestyle or when I chat with someone who is into it. (Yep, unsurprisingly I don't know such people IRL.)

To me, it seems like being a swinger requires the epitome of a stable relationship and a rock-solid self-esteem. Not just people have to negate any feelings of unforeseen jealousy, but in the case of added "unicorns", they have to be exhibitionist and voyeuristic too.

In other words, swinging as a lifestyle really seems like a life choice that only a very small percentage and only very (emotionally, sexually) confident, I might say, experienced people/couples take. In this way, it's not that surprising that most think of it like some kind of immoral hedonism, most couples can't even manage to have a "healthy" monogamous relationship for long.

What are your thoughts on the general personality traits "required" to enjoy swinging? Is there such a thing as an "embarrassed swinger" or a "shy swinger"?

Rock-solid self-esteem

Actually, no. I am a very shy, quiet, introverted, uncomfortable person myself. Thankfully for us, my husband is friendly and outgoing. It does help when one or both of you exude confidence. Do the outgoing people have more fun, more sex, get invited to more parties, etc? Probably so. But just like in the real world, there are people all over the spectrum.

Stable relationship

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. Did I say yes? YES. And by the way, yes.

We have met a few couples that try swinging to save their relationship, or just to spice up a boring sex life... And it always ends in disaster. Many couples get jealous, fight, break up, and cause drama.

Here's a relevant comment I made to another post:

How do we not get jealous? A lot of communication. We have some ground rules. For example, we only play with others together, in the same room. We only hook up with another couple if we are both into both of them, and vice-versa. There are plenty of times where he is into her, but I'm not into him, so oh well, it can't happen. No questions asked. And then, there are some more silly rules... For example, two of my past serious boyfriends have left me for a specific type of woman (as an example, let's say, a short redhead with huge tits). My husband has had a serious girlfriend like that before, as well. Since I am a tall brunette with small tits, this repeated coincidence has made me insecure around those kind of women, and, as ridiculous as it is, they are off the table for him. It's a silly, nonsensical rule, really. But it makes me uncomfortable, and he respects me, so it's off the table. It's important to respect your partner's feelings, whatever the reason.

Before we hook up, he and I have a brief moment to ask if we both really want this, and what is on/off the table; just a 5-second chat. During the act, we make check on each other often, even if it's only with eye contact and a nod, or a shake of the head. No matter how much fun I'm having, if he shakes his head that he's not having a good time, I find a graceful way to get us both out of there (or vice-versa). Afterwords, we talk about what we liked and what we didn't, and how it will affect next time.

In one comment you're saying that it's unfair for single males to have such a hard time getting into events like these, but in another you blatantly outline how your group requires more information, photos, and presentation for single males vs couples. Isn't that a bit contradictory?

If you had a pool of 100 single male applicants, but could only choose 1 of them, I'd really love to know what metric you would go by.

Choosing one at random? Or letting them all in, and having your swingers party be overrun by single men?

This is the best idea I could come up with, but I'm all ears if you have a better one.

Oh, is it the County Clubs' policy to only allow one?

We allow as many as it takes for there to be a 50-50 gender ratio. Which can be 1, yes.

As someone who frequently goes to BDSM parties and clubs, has arranged many social BDSM events and a few parties, and who would one day like to start such a club, what is some of the unexpected issues I might run into?

Like /u/PatchTheGamer says, I'm sure the issues will be different... But here were some of the unexpected things I ran into. Your experience may vary.

• It's difficult to get people to trust a new sex club. Without a reputation, word of mouth, online reviews, etc., people are likely to believe that it is a scam. Especially if you try to charge people an entry fee, and especially especially if you try to sell tickets online. They aren't likely to want to share their credit card information with an unknown website that has only been up for a few days, and hasn't even been indexed by Google yet. Our solution to that was to throw free events, until we started to gain a reputation.

• You're going to have to kick people out and/or ban them, and it's really hard, and it really sucks. It's not easy to take someone aside and tell them they are rejected and not welcome back. Of course, they get hurt, upset, and angry. And then, inevitably, they will tell everyone they meet from that moment on about how awful your club is, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Getting people to come is probably not a problem for us. We have arranged a party with 80 guests, and we are well known in those circles.

As for kicking people out, I expect that to happen. We wouldn't serve alcohol (except possibly for light beer), and I expect that to lessen such problems.

As for kicking people out, I expect that to happen.

I knew it would happen, I just wasn't prepared for all of the emotions on both sides.

Good luck to you guys!

Can you talk about the process you and your husband went through to start "the lifestyle"? I've often wondered how people in committed relationships become swingers. How the topic gets broached etc.

Here's the answer I gave to this question in another comment:

I had always been into the idea of an open relationship, all of my old boyfriends were appalled at the idea. I met my now-husband as I was getting out of a terrible relationship. We really got along, but I didn't want to get into another monogamous relationship, as I wanted to try this "seeing multiple people" thing, since I never had a chance to do it before. I told him this. He wasn't into the idea of polyamory, but somehow we arrived at swinging as an idea. And we lived happily ever after :)

As far as starting our own lifestyle club... For most of our relationship, we lived in a big city, where there were several swingers parties going on every weekend, and we had our pick of what to do and when. But then, we had to move to a smaller town, for work... And there was nothing lifestyle-related to do within a 2-hour radius. Someone had to pick up the slack, so it might as well be us :)

How many codes and regulations do you have to comply with - are the profits worth the frustration?

We don't make any profits; we just do this for fun. So, yes, it is worth the frustration! Most our events are free; and the events we ask donations for, we only do to cover some of our costs. For example, we made about $3000 from our party this weekend, but it cost us about $4000 to throw it ($2000 for the venue, $1000 for the champagne, $500 for the party bus, $500 for miscellaneous expenses).

As far as regulations -- there are none, really. We are a simply social club that arranges meetups, at venues that are not our own. We don't have a physical building/location. We don't sell alcohol. Our events don't have sex on premises (unless it is a private event or we are doing a takeover at a venue where that is allowed). We do often have after-parties, where we invite friends back to our place to hook up, but that is never guaranteed nor is it an official part of any Country Club event.

How often do disabled people,wheelchair bound visit your club? Do you a separate event organised for them?

Interesting question. We've only been a club for 8 months, and we haven't actually had any disabled/wheelchair bound people attend. I have seen people in wheelchairs at other clubs' events, though. It's no big deal.

Why do you think swingers tend to be conservatives while polyamorous people tend towards liberalism?

That is not my experience, so I'm not sure that that is really the case; and if it is, I have no idea. ¯\(ツ)/¯