Comments: 715 • Responses: 106  • Date: 

chadmin299 karma

I feel your pain. I am also a vet, and I have my own demons. For me, it wasn't friendly fire it was the civilian casualty rate from the missions I controlled. Aside from meds and therapy meditation helps a lot. How has your experience with mediation been?

Mediation really started to help me after a Hindu friend shared his perspective on life. He said "Everything, except this very moment, is nothing but your imagination." After a while this started to make a lot of sense to me and helped my life in a number of ways. When you worry about the future, that future hasn't occurred. You worry about what you think might happen, not what actually will. The same goes with your past. Your past is nothing but a replay of your memory of the event and memories can change over time, imagination plays a big part in filling in memory gaps. The only thing you can be certain of, or that you can act upon, is what is happening right now in this very moment.

I'll also add that there have been therapies developed specifically to alter memories over time and relieve PTSD alter memories over time and relieve PTSD. Have you tried any therapy that incorporates memory alteration? Would you consider it?

WILLingtonegotiate87 karma

I have spoke on meditation in other replies. It has been super helpful. I heard something about memery altering on the Joe Rogan podcast I think but havent looked into it. Anything is worth a shot.

AJ786127 karma

You might be referring to the podcast where he was talking to bill burr I think it was about hypnotherapy and sensory-deprivation chambers, he said the chambers gave him the opportunity to relax completely and take apart the ideas and troubles he was having piece by piece and building it back better, might be something worth looking into, sorry for your loss bud.

WILLingtonegotiate19 karma

No it was a different one. Specifically mentioning mind altering and ptsd

Its_What_I_Do7 karma

The idea of Memory Altering seems very strange to me. I have, and am very grateful for it, never experienced something that resulted in PTSD. I can not even begin to fathom the pain you and other sufferers of PTSD go through.

That said, I would like to ask a question about PTSD and memory altering. To me, my memories, good and bad, make me who I am. My memories remind me that things can get better, and my memories remind me that things can't always be good. My memories are responsible for my personality. I remember the good actions, to make me a better person, and I remember the bad actions, to make me a better person. To knowingly alter my memories is such a foreign concept to me. Is the PTSD so bad that you would alter your memory of the incident? I'm trying my hardest not to sound condescending on anything like that, I just have no frame of reference. I would like to believe that if I had such a traumatic incident, I would never want to forget it.

The closest I've ever had would be almost killing my younger sister in a car crash that wasn't even my fault. I would lose sleep sometimes thinking about that night. The sound of my brakes rings deafening loud in my head and the impact I can feel as if it was yesterday. That doesn't even come close to the trauma you experienced, I know, but I would never want to forget it.

WILLingtonegotiate15 karma

I have this lingering guilt, that I would never want to forget it and I deserve this pain. I believe mind altering does not make you forget, but instead alters your role in the memory

Redditacious10 karma

I wish I could tell you to walk away from the memory. But I know it's futile and it's also a huge part of who you are now, and ignoring it would be disrespectful to yourself and others.

WILLingtonegotiate10 karma


Lyssabits134 karma

As a spouse of a veteran that recently took his own life, what would you suggest to spouses or friends do to help their loved ones get the help that they truly need? My husband was terrified of the VA from all of the horror stories people had told him. I do my best to be there for all of his buddies and any other prior/current service members even before this incident but, it can still be very hard to get through to some of these guys.

Edit: Thanks for the reddit gold. I never thought I would get that especially for sharing a story like this. To anyone that reads this post, please reach out to friends, family, and vets in general and try to help in anyway possible. These guys appreciate it more than you could ever know. Much love ♡ and sorry for my spelling and formatting errors I'm on my phone at work!

WILLingtonegotiate106 karma

Do not give up no matter how much you think you are bothering them. No matter how much they say they are fine. Think of it like a time bomb that needs daily maintenance even when showing no signs.

Lyssabits57 karma

I am doing my best especially after losing my husband. I'm having a hard time, and I know a lot of these guys are too. Thank you for responding. If you ever need an ear I'm here even if it is just to talk about everyday life. I'm doing my best to help everywhere I can!

WILLingtonegotiate43 karma

Thank you so much. I hope you are taking the time to use the services available to you for therapy.

Lyssabits46 karma

Have not yet unfortunately. He passed very recently and I'm working 40+ hours a week while caring for our 2 year old and I'm pregnant

WILLingtonegotiate53 karma

Im sorry for your loss. Please for the sake of you and the children, do not put it off. The strength you feel now can falter.

Lyssabits39 karma

Thank you. I will definitely be going as soon as possible. I feel like I am going to beed it the most after the baby is born because right now being pregnant is the only thing holding me together. Message me any time like I said before. Listening to other people is therapeutic for me. Stay strong too. Every day is a fight, I know that. Don't forget you have others on the outside too!

WILLingtonegotiate26 karma

Definitely I will

TheFrederalGovt105 karma

What is your favorite memory of your brother who passed away?

WILLingtonegotiate270 karma

The night before the incident, we were talking about marriage and forgiveness. He gave me very good advice. "Sometimes you gotta do the right thing and let love catch up"

kidinside52 karma

Man I am so sorry to her that. Did you meet him in the Army or did you know him before?

WILLingtonegotiate82 karma

Met him in the Army. A lot of veterans that meet in the military stay close for their entire lives. It's definitely a brotherhood.

n0la38 karma

Do you have any help from the government to deal with the PTSD?

WILLingtonegotiate95 karma

I recently had some VA therapy where I learned Mindfulness meditation. That is the biggest help I have ever received with depression and other symptoms of PTSD.

nooooooodlez17 karma

Mindfulness mediation/therapy, etc, has been the only thing to help me. I actually caught myself freaking out for the first time ~8 months ago, and I was able to calm down instead of continuing the downward spiral. It was like finally being able to touch the bottom of the pool with your toes, ya know?

Anyway, you said it was a misfire that killed your buddy, right? I'm guessing it was a mk 19 round? I'm sure people have told you this before, but you can't blame yourself for that shit, dude.

edit: In fact, if it was a mk 19 round, you're lucky to be alive yourself.

WILLingtonegotiate10 karma

Mindfulness is the absolute best therapy I have received. It was a 5.56

SwordBird8 karma

SAW or M4?

I saved one of my soldiers from an AR-15 once with the saw.

It was old and the slide or sear (s?) was burred. He charged it back but not all the way. Instead of locking back and making the safety usable it just caught in place. One bump and the pin shot forward and fired a blank.

WILLingtonegotiate8 karma

It was an M4. They took the weapon apart and said the trigger assembly had heavy debris but the safety was working as intended. I just dont know

carlinha128932 karma

What's a thought that makes you happy and can get you through hard moments? Do you ever talk to people in real life about your experience?

WILLingtonegotiate65 karma

There is not a single thought that can get me through rough moments. It is hard to explain, but if you can imagine the bad thoughts and emotions as a physical thing in my head reakimg havoc, and as good thoughts come in, it is there to ridicule the thought and destroy it, as if it knows what you are trying to do. The best method i have found is meditation. Sitting, observing the thoughts, both negative and positive. Seeing them for what they are, and letting them do their business. Let them come and go, without judgement. Its not as easy as it sounds and requires a lot of calm and quiet.

SnarkyFartBlast12 karma

Are you practicing mindfulness meditation? That may take you where you need to go? It has allowed me to still the anxiety I get from too much thinking. You can get through this rough patch, you've done it before.

WILLingtonegotiate9 karma

Yes, I actually talk about it in some of the other replies. Thank you.

sekretsoto30 karma

Hello and thank you for doing this AMA. I recently have also been separated from the Army due to PTSD and of course the whole broken body thing. My question for you is how did the whole situation transpire? The reason I ask this is because some younger military members need to know how these things can happen albeit very rare. Was it a .50 that cooked off? or a MK19?

WILLingtonegotiate54 karma

No. It was my M4. I was on a roof gun. Back then we had shit for equipment. I was on a canvas top humvee. We just had a 240B on the roof strapped down. My M4 was strapped to me faceing down. I engaged with m4, transitioned to 240b during this transition my weapon pressed against the 240b buttstock and the trigger was pulled.

sekretsoto33 karma

Damn, I am sorry to hear that brother. It could have been any one of us and mistakes happen during firefights which im sure you have been told many times but I know thousands of us have seen mistakes made first hand. I will pass this story on to my friends who are still serving to drill into the new privates who don't take it seriously or understand the consequences of their actions.. I hope one day you find the peace you need. Just remember you are not alone.

WILLingtonegotiate22 karma

Thanks stay safe.

TheFadedBull1 karma

I dont believe this. Theres a trigger guard on the M4, and it would not go off from bumping into the 240. You may be remembering things wrong or making this up completely.

WILLingtonegotiate1 karma

There is definitely a trigger guard. Also on the butstock of a 240b there is a notch that extends out, a hole fore clipping straps to. There are also peices of my gear around my chest that can extend into the trigger guard of my m4. Of course I do not know exactly the cause, but since they tested my hands for residue it came up negative, my chest and the 240b came up positive. Not to mention i was there with my weapon as it happened. Im not sure what you are trying to say here, but you are on the wrong path. Why exactly would this all be made up?

spencersss27 karma

How was the moment itself, during/when you realized you caused his death?

WILLingtonegotiate69 karma

There was a part of me that hoped he would somehow live. I say a part of me because I saw the wound and it was 100% fatal. I tried to start aid but quickly started freezing up. My other battlebuddies started aid. Medivac was denied due to hostile landing zone. They self evacced him by humvee, but he was dead instantly. I knew it was my rifle immediately. most others there did not. They tried reassuring me it was not my weapon. I knew it was.


How did they finally determine who's gun it was? Were you all using different guns/round types or something? Thanks for the ama, and hang in there.

WILLingtonegotiate58 karma

The geometry of it, and I made it very clear, that it was my weapon without a doubt.


You were a very honorable soldier, I hope you find peace in your life very soon.

WILLingtonegotiate20 karma

Thank you

SexyWhale9 karma

Do you know in hindsight what caused the friendly fire?

WILLingtonegotiate14 karma

Read other replies, I directly mention the circumstances.

SexyWhale12 karma

I'm sorry, thank u for doing this AMA

WILLingtonegotiate18 karma

No need for apologies, thank you for the question

captainsparrow1127 karma

Were you honorably or dishonorably discharged?

WILLingtonegotiate48 karma

Honorable discharge.

Tkwk3325 karma

As someone from outside the US where we don't have much military culture.

What's the difference between those two types of discharge or their implications?


WILLingtonegotiate46 karma

Though "dishonorable" discharges are rare they do occur and they are akin to having a felony on you permanent record. Anything other than honorable is bad for you going forward in life. Just having a bad discharge could disqualify you from almost all veteran benefits.

Tkwk3319 karma

Wow, didn't know the consequences are so harsh.

Thanks for answering!

WILLingtonegotiate16 karma

No problem.

Jade_Pornsurge24 karma

Have you ever spoken to his family? hang in there, dude. I dont mean to politicize, but I read the Pat Tillman book and got so mad at the government for all the coverup that I never took the time to consider the people who may have accidentally killed him, and what they must have gone through. Good luck to you.

WILLingtonegotiate54 karma

I have. His wife was out of this world caring. She wanted to do anything she could to help me. I keep up with his three children through a third party. His family was never given the real story. I gave the actual account to his widow, but his parents were feed a very untrue "nobodies fault" made up story. It was not even close to the actual event. I have a hard time with it and i want to tell them the truth, but i just feel it is selfish of me to do so.

Jade_Pornsurge15 karma

Well, the widow could have done it, as hard as it may be for her. Maybe it is best they don't know? who the hell am I to even fathom a guess. Do you feel the govt should have told them the truth, would that have helped you? I am guessing you have guilt that these people, his parents, are out there, with a version of the story that is untrue and that bothers you? Man, I shouldnt be analysing you, but I imagine it would make you feel better if they knew the truth right? and that's why you feel selfish about it. I am not qualified to tell you how to feel about that. but how about this, if it were my son, I would want to know the real truth. shrugs.

WILLingtonegotiate16 karma

It does. Their version makes me seem more wreckless but it is still a very vague version. I feel guilty telling them because it actually just comforts me knowing they realize I was not as wreckless with their sons life as they may believe. .

shouldbeworking2324 karma

What do you do now?

WILLingtonegotiate51 karma

Not much. I have 3 children, that I take care of. I house and a dog. Some hobbies

graphitenotled20 karma

How do you pay for that? Do you'd till work or does your military benifits pay you?

WILLingtonegotiate37 karma

I recieve benefits

youareaturkey12 karma

Are the benefits enough to support you and your kids?

WILLingtonegotiate27 karma


RayBeeze8 karma

What sort of hobbies?

WILLingtonegotiate20 karma

I listed them in a reply above. Im a serial hobbyist lol

marie_cat19 karma

What is the most annoying thing you hear from people when they are giving their opinions about mental health, basically acting like they GET it, but clearly don't? What makes you cringe?

WILLingtonegotiate40 karma

I can see that people want to understand and help. I never really get aggravated by that kind of thing. When someone, usually a fellow servicemember, and almost always still active servicemember says things like "ehhh shake it off" or "PTSD is bullshit" it aggravates me, but i usually just remove those people from the equation.

Autorotator19 karma

I don't deal with anything on this scope. Just survivor's guilt for a while. It's passed for the most part.

If your brother could come back and tell you, I'm sure he'd tell you that he's your brother and he doesn't want you carrying that pain. Put yourself in that position, if your boy was responsible for your death in a tragic accident, would you want him to feel the way you do about it? Instead, would you want him to embrace his life, remember you for the good times, and live a long and fruitful life?

Not sure if you are religious or spiritual, but if there's immortal souls that make us what we are, you know he's wanting nothing but comfort and joy for you. If not, had he seen this coming somehow, would he tell you the same thing?

Embrace your joys in life, share them with him, live them in his honor. Everything you felt about him, he felt about you, and that's where you need to start.

WILLingtonegotiate15 karma

Thank you for saying all this

drake072716 karma

Have you gotten to the point where you are married and have kids, or are you single?

WILLingtonegotiate46 karma

Im married, 14 years, 3 kids. My marriage has broken up a few times. I recently moved away from her with my kids for a year, and had a gf. My ptsd and her anxiety ruined that relationship, i am living with my kids mom again and we are taking it day by day.

Frosted_Anything13 karma

How is that on the kids?

WILLingtonegotiate63 karma

Very rough. My kids are very very well behaved and caring and understand. Im a lucky father

huhwhatweird14 karma

[Serious] Have you tried using marijuana as a therapy tool?

WILLingtonegotiate45 karma

I use marijuana in place of anti anxiety meds. It works better and is better for you. But, I only use it for acute symptoms. I have three kids so being high a lot is a nogo. But if you are asking, marijuana helps more than anything i have been given by the va for anxiety.

CuntyMcGiggles9 karma

Have you considering MDMA? There are recent studies where it's being used effectively to help treat PTSD. Thanks for doing this, man. It can't be easy. I hope you're doing a bit better every day

WILLingtonegotiate13 karma

Ive been reading the studies and am interested. I just hate the fact it would require pharmaceuticals to be thrown into my body. But depending on how mdma pans out, anything is worth a shot

fiveamtuesday10 karma

I never understand the 'purist' mentality when it comes to drugs and medication. Your body is producing undesired brainstates without drugs. Life experiences clearly alter your perception and way of thinking just as powerfully as any dosage could. It's just about moderation.

WILLingtonegotiate19 karma

Yes, and adding more just does not seem like a great thing. It could work and I am not a purist by any means whatsoever. I have had a lot of meds given to me by the VA, all had side effects all promised big things, and here i am. There will never be a fix, but imhopeful for more help daily.

3210atown2 karma

One thing that I think makes MDMA more promising though, is that it's only used a handful of times in a therapy setting, unlike drugs like Xanax which only work through constant use.

WILLingtonegotiate2 karma

I hope to see more promising things come from the work with MDMA

Mekabear1 karma

If you were ever interested, look into experiments regarding "micro-dosing" where you don't take enough to feel high from, but enough to make a positive difference. Some people have reported it has performed wonders with their mental health.

WILLingtonegotiate1 karma

This is interesting

qpNiTROqp-6 karma

It's kind of a pharmaceutical in that you can get it prescribed in some places now but I would not consider it a like man made bad for your body big pharma thing. It is just from a plant. Apparently the burning bush moses saw was full of MDMA hence why he hallucinated lol

WILLingtonegotiate6 karma

You lost me at Moses and burning bush

CantFly13 karma

Did you feel the onset of PTSD soon after the incident or did you start to have episodes a while after?

Do you think there's any mindset you could have adopted before the incident that would have put you in a better position to deal with your current circumstances?

I fly for the British army and don't intend to get PTSD anytime soon, any tips would be appreciated.

WILLingtonegotiate39 karma

I felt different immediately. It never got better. Just dimmed then got much worse. I cannot think of a single thing that could have prepared me for the circumstances. My best advice would be, do not act tough or invibcible. If its bothering you, talk and get help immediately. I think preventive maintenance is the best advice possible.

GutterTrashJosh10 karma

I see from the other comments you say cannabis calms you down but you can't do it often because of your kids. Have you ever thought of just telling them what you're doing it and why you're doing it? Why would you not want them to know?

Also, have you ever looked into MDMA as a means of therapy? There has been a lot of research and they're currently conducting trials as to its effectiveness at combating PTSD.

WILLingtonegotiate34 karma

They know what marijuana is, and that I use it, and for what reasons. The reason I say I cannot do it around them, is my fear of making a mistake while high.

justnotdoingmywork9 karma

do you talk to any of your old battlebuds still?

WILLingtonegotiate18 karma


iphoneluver8 karma

What was your scariest combat experience? And similarly, were there any moments that made you feel like a complete bad-ass?

WILLingtonegotiate35 karma

Definitely anytime an IED hit us was scary. Unexplainably scary.

Complete bad ass moment. We were ambushed in a very busy Market street. The vehicle in front of me was being pummelled by small arms fire. They did not have a shot but I had a clear shot. I drove them back with my m4 and wounded/possibly killed one of them. The vehicle in front of me had injured soldiers but after driving them back the guys were able to get out of the ambush and get aid. No cadualties. Im very glad I had a shot and happier that my brothers lived.

Snoopymancer8 karma

Do you still live in Jacksonville?

WILLingtonegotiate9 karma

I recently moved back. I am aware the VA here is horrible.

clip_clop863 karma

I am being treated very well by the Gulf Coast Veterans system (Panama City Beach) Not all of the VA clinics are bad. I came from the one in Atlanta and it sucked. There they just treat you like a number, but down here I am made to feel like a person.

WILLingtonegotiate5 karma

I actually had great care in Kansas (Topeka). North Florida is awful though

delta_twerk2 karma

Gainesville used to be okay back when I was a kid an accompanied my dad on trips but I get the impression it has gone downhill, as well. They would have him in group for his PTSD but he is an old crusty hermit, so I am wondering if it helps much for you?

WILLingtonegotiate4 karma

Groups do not tend to do much for this kind of thing I have noticed. You are usually grouped with people of varying illness and you cannot talk about your event. Its more of a teaching environment now days. Not good in my opinion

SuperSexi8 karma

Have you forgiven yourself (or at least come to terms) with the incident? Or are you refusing to accept it was an accident to punish yourself?

WILLingtonegotiate19 karma

It is on and off. Back and forth. I know it was an accident, the problem is this, people are punished for accidents a lot.

SuperSexi27 karma

I don't know if anybody came out a told you this, but your pain is never going to go away.

But, I can give you this... If the situation was reversed and he accidentally killed you, wouldn't you kick his ass if he pissed the rest of his life away in regret?

WILLingtonegotiate17 karma

Yes I am aware it will always be here. In my eyes it is a small price to pay. I do not want to guess how he would feel or I would feel in reverse situations.

apc02436 karma

I know you said you don't want to guess, but have you ever tried to go down that thought experiment? It seems insanely difficult to do, but from my outside-looking-in perspective it seems possibly helpful.

WILLingtonegotiate13 karma

I see the point. But at the end, the answers are meaningless. As my PTSD, depression and anxiety happen independantly from where he may place the blame or lack there of.

jimmythegeek110 karma

goddam logic.

Good luck, man. You took on a heavy burden just putting yourself in a position where this could happen and drew the short straw. It fucking kills me that W. and Cheney and Wolfowitz and that standout assclown Rumsfeld sleep like babies while guys like you have to deal with things like this.

WILLingtonegotiate15 karma

I dont know how they sleep but war does suck

Therealdanielcraig7 karma

What are some things you do when your condition gets hard to handle?

WILLingtonegotiate18 karma

Mindfulness meditation. Marijuana, call a friend. Marijuana cannot always be used, due to children being around or just bad timing.

thecodenameduchess7 karma

How many tours did you do exactly?

WILLingtonegotiate10 karma

  1. After the accident, I was discharged from the Army. I spent 13 months in Iraq.

BujuBad13 karma

No question to add. Just wanted to extend my heartfelt thank you for your service and dedication to our country. Your bravery and sacrifices are truly appreciated ((hugs))

WILLingtonegotiate13 karma

Thank you.

brokenpheonix6 karma

What is your favorite color?

I do a lot of color associations where I work with drug addicts, some of them with PTSD. So it's my favorite question to ask!

WILLingtonegotiate3 karma

I like blue, but I really tend to be drawn to bright blues

Aerron6 karma

Can you tell us what your average day is?

WILLingtonegotiate19 karma

Sure. During a school year i wake up to get my kids ready for school. Send them off. Stare at a wall. Read. Try to burry my mind in an endless stream of hobbies that are life changing only to give up on them within weeks. Pick my kids up in the afternoon. Help with homework or dinner. Stay up all night and repeat. Weekends and summer are the same except my kids are home.

Aerron6 karma

What hobbies have you tried? What's your current hobby?

WILLingtonegotiate17 karma

Computer building. Models. Painting. Website building. 3D printing. Video games. Fishing. Hunting. Camping. Sports. Fantasy sports.

vansnagglepuss16 karma

Try crochet or knitting. They are very relaxing for the mind. I crochet and it helps me de stress because all I'm focused on is counting stitches and rows.

Bonus: you end up with something to either keep or give away.

WILLingtonegotiate11 karma

Ive thought about this. Might try it out.

nachosmmm4 karma

I have heard coloring is very therapeutic, as well. Do you workout at all? That is therapeutic for me.

WILLingtonegotiate6 karma

Im getting back into working out and i do color with my children. It helps.

ImNotBeingMean4 karma

Ever thought about getting a dog or an aquarium?

WILLingtonegotiate49 karma

I have a therapy dog. My best buddy.

SorryItsNotBigger5 karma

From veteran to veteran, hang in there.

Have you done any volunteering? I found a local (Texas) Veteran advocacy group that I've worked with. It helps me with needing a purpose and all that jazz. If you need anything, brother, let me know.

WILLingtonegotiate7 karma

Ive thought about volunteering a lot. I just keep losing the drive. Thank you brother.

samwise09125 karma

On a more personal level, what are your favorite films?

WILLingtonegotiate16 karma

Gotta go with "There will be blood" "Fear and Loathing" I love good acting. Those two are full of it.

stevenlcole4 karma

OIF Vet here.

How were you treated by your chain of command/NCO support channel, and other members of the unit after the incident?

WILLingtonegotiate15 karma

With great love, understanding and care. More impirtantly they went right back to treating me like an asshole, just like everybody else. As you know, in the military, if people are coddling you, it sucks. When they fuck with you, its better.

FriendorSkiFinn4 karma

What is the absolute worst part about war you have experienced apart from the fellow soldier?

WILLingtonegotiate15 karma

It's neccessity. Lack of sleep. Intense moments 24 hours a day. Losing loved ones. Family separation.

Phroneo4 karma

Was there many other friendly fire incidents between people you knew in the military? Just curious if it's common.

WILLingtonegotiate14 karma

Its common in wide scale warfare, I did not know anyone else that directly caused a death. But there are many negligent discharges/misfires. It happens nearly every day

VexedCoffee4 karma

What were the major influences that lead you to join the army?

Why did you choose the MOS that you chose?

Do you regret joining?

What would you say to a high school student thinking about joining the military?

WILLingtonegotiate13 karma

I had a very horrible family life, and acted stupid in school. College was out of the question and I always wanted to get far away. The military helped with that. Then 9/11 happened and my army career changed. I chose my MOS because it had the largest bonus while still being combat arms. I do not regret joining one bit. I would suggest anyone joining to make sure you are getting what you want or need from the military, it will get what it needs from you.

Nerdyforsure4 karma

Have you ever heard of EMDR therapy? If not I encourage you to check this out and find a therapist in your area that you can talk to about this. It is particularly helpful for PTSD. Peace to you as you walk your recovery from this.

WILLingtonegotiate6 karma

I have. Did this for 5 weeks. Noticed no improvement. Moved onto other things.

benwobbles3 karma

What thought regarding the incident do you most ruminate on?

WILLingtonegotiate4 karma

What I could have done (a great many things) to prevent it

xubax2 karma

Were any of them things you were expected to do? Or just things that in hindsight, if you'd done them differently, you'd expect a different outcome?

WILLingtonegotiate6 karma

Both. I should keep my weapon in a safe direction, the movement in combat makes this difficult but it is still important.

Scum_Of-The_Earth3 karma

Can you give us a detailed account of the situation as it unfolded?

WILLingtonegotiate3 karma

I actually addressed this previously, if you need more detail ask away.

ZulDjin4 karma

http://postimg.org/image/u97ny93fb/ this is the image I was able to make with the crappiest drawing skills on a computer imaginable. This is how I understood it from other posts? Care to clarify? (sorry for ignorance or anything I come from a country with little military knowledge

EDIT: whoops, forgot: I understand that something happened as you switched to the mounted gun and the misfire occured

WILLingtonegotiate2 karma

That is how i was standing and somewhat how my m4 was adjacent to my body. But it was in a humvee and the barrel was pointingtowards the back passenger seat

Grandaddy253 karma

Do you still have friends from the Military or was this a kind of isolating experience that pushed them away?

WILLingtonegotiate13 karma

I do have friends yes. Most were there the day it happened. Some i have lost contact with in no part to this event. The ones there that day know my heart, and how it has destroyed my life as well as the life of my brothers family.

OfficerBrando3 karma

Your statement was there was a "misfire" that caused the friendly fire. Does that mean it was a mechanical issue that was the root cause?

WILLingtonegotiate5 karma

Not sure. I swear i placed it on safe, when the weapon was recovered it was on safe. Just a freak accident between the weapon being pressed between gear and other gear it fired.

ArrowRobber3 karma

If your finger wasn't on the trigger and it sounds like you were managing your gear correctly, it's not on you man.

Military standards are to stop the gear from killing the wrong people. Imagine if helicopters had as many recalls as consumer cars.

WILLingtonegotiate9 karma

I do know that part of it. But it was facing in a very dangerous direction. Which I could have prevented

ArrowRobber3 karma

I don't know how much equipment you were laden with, but it sounds like you have a few things slung on your shoulders & in your hands, in a setting that would make most of us curl up & cry to ourselves.

WILLingtonegotiate12 karma

You would be surprised at the strength and bravery of the average joe. Dont doubt yourself

ArrowRobber2 karma

Oh, I know lots of people can 'man up' under pressure. It's living under pressure that's what would make us average folks crack.

I can go 24hrs without sleep as a pure numbers thing. I can't go a week without sleep no matter how much I want to. Some people can with training & the right situation.

You've been in situations we might be able to survive for a couple hours, maybe days before our body is too flooded with adrenaline, endorphin and trauma to function with the accuracy needed to survive.

WILLingtonegotiate5 karma

War sucks and you may think you cannot go the length of time in it that some vets do. The thing is, we do not have the ability to check out or leave. Lie it or not you are there and staying

centech1 karma

This leads to an obvious question I never thought of before.. why they hell are guns mounted in such a way that they can fire on their own vehicle?

WILLingtonegotiate4 karma

The roof gun did not fire into the vehicle, my personal weapon did.

jalapeno_bidniz2 karma

How has the ptsd ruined your life? I am in a similar situation. 45bravo in 2003 to 2005. If you ever need anything lemme know friend. It's tough hope you hooked up with the DAV they are a big help with claims

WILLingtonegotiate2 karma

In the ways you would think. Relationships. Physical and mental health.

jalapeno_bidniz3 karma

I'm sorry to hear, I have been fighting with drinking, anger and pissing on my relationship. My wife is at her wits end are you getting your mental health appointments? My VA can be a pain in the assignment but the inpatient is really good. Can I be of any service do you need anything brother you can pm me if you need too.

WILLingtonegotiate3 karma

Im getting care, for it. Thanks brother

TheRealErls2 karma

Have you tried CBD and THC? Two of the main molecules found in Cannabis that help fight PTSD extremely effectively!! Please don't be afraid because of all the misinformation that you've heard and learned, Cannabis will improve the quality of your life and let you live again! No worrying, no pills, just happiness and freedom! :) DM me and I can send you some names and numbers that will help you to extents you didn't even know were possible! Have a blessed day!

WILLingtonegotiate2 karma

Read previous replies to this. Thanks for the info.

Sindicate142 karma

What do you think about where the war has gone since you were discharged?

WILLingtonegotiate6 karma

No opinion on this at all.

Luhmanniac1 karma

Sorry to hear about that accident. Don't lose heart !

I just finished watching American Sniper the other day, and I was intrigued by the scenes in that film that alluded to PTSD.

Have you tried to get into self-help groups or any sort of therapy involving a trained psychoanalyst/psychiatrist? If so, do you feel it is helpful at all?

Also, I have read numerous times that veterans that were part of the military for a long time have trouble reintegrating into society even without PTSD, as a result of being accustomed to having their day more or less planned out for them and not having to take care of many of the usual every day chores/duties of a civilian. Would you say that has been a problem for you as well, and what would you propose one can do to counteract it?

WILLingtonegotiate1 karma

I have had many instances with professional help including a 4 week in patient program dedicated to this through the VA. What i found was mindfulness meditation and comraderie help with ptsd. Im not sure i had a hard time reintigrating as much as i just hate being around a lot of people i do not trust.

Luhmanniac1 karma

Thanks for the reply.

Did they teach you the meditation techniques there or did you acquire that on your own?

Did you hate being around people you do not trust before, or did this emerge after you were discharged?

Were you "okay" with being discharged at the time, or did it come as a shock to you? What were your plans back then (as in how long were you intending on being enlisted originally)?

WILLingtonegotiate2 karma

I learned the trchniques while in patient.

I was never this untrusting or anxious around others.

I was shocked at the discharge, but it made sense. No matter what the reason, I would likely never be promoted again. I was intending on making it a career. (20years)

oh_my_jesus1 karma

How/when does your PTSD manifest itself and how do you deal with it on a day to day basis?

WILLingtonegotiate3 karma

Mostly cliche things. Loud noises, tons of people around, rainy days. But its there all day. As if someone is sitting on my chest.

-sdegutis-1 karma

What religion are you? Why or why not?

WILLingtonegotiate4 karma

Im an atheist. I have never found a reason not to be.

MaxMouseOCX1 karma

There's been some very good work recently with Mdma and ptsd, have you given any thought to trying it? There's some really encouraging results.

WILLingtonegotiate2 karma

A few replies about this, but in short. I havent tried it but interested in long term results.

bobbyjrsc1 karma

Sorry by that. Did you make any mistake like forgot to lock your gun, or was pure accidental?

WILLingtonegotiate1 karma

Accidental but mistakes were made

bobbyjrsc2 karma

Dont blame your self, keep going, try to get over this ptsd, help other veterans, etc... War is cruel and everybody knows that a thing like that can happen. (sorry my bad english)

WILLingtonegotiate2 karma

English was great. Thank you

fiveamtuesday1 karma

Have you tried playing League of Legends?

WILLingtonegotiate1 karma

Ive played a lot of games. Not league of legends though i have friends that do competitively. I have tried HotS and a ton of other games though. They help to take you away, but with my kids, I gotta be around mentally and physically

ssansot1 karma

Have you ever tried reinserting on the labor market?

WILLingtonegotiate4 karma

Yes. I actually did very well in the profession I chose after the military. But it all caught up to me in a big way. I should not have ignored my problems for so long.

ssansot1 karma

Just curious, wich profession was?

WILLingtonegotiate3 karma

Automotive industry.

fiveamtuesday1 karma

Have you tried MDMA?

WILLingtonegotiate1 karma

No not yet, i hear there are good studies happening

SSG11B1 karma

Are you doing anything to distract yourself from the past? I have a handfull of pills from the VA but it only helps so much. Do you have a hobby or Occupation that you can enjoy that keeps your mind focused on what you are doing?
Also, get a hold of me if you need anything brother.
I was in the same boat as you before. I am not good now, but I am better.

WILLingtonegotiate1 karma

Im moving from hobby to hobby to help with that. Same to you, im here if you need me.

SSG11B2 karma

Out of everything I have tried, I feel just having a motorcycle equates to some kind of freedom and stress release. I have gone as far as joining a Veteran only motorcycle club, so now I have a community of people that I don't have to explain what I'm dealing with, they know, and we support each other.

WILLingtonegotiate4 karma

Im terrified of motorcycles.

Scum_Of-The_Earth1 karma

What were your thoughts immediately after you found out what had happened?

WILLingtonegotiate3 karma

I knew it was my weapon immediately. I was devastated and wanted to die

bleed_nyliving1 karma

I have a good friend who has PTSD. Most of the time he is fine and I don't see much of a difference but my sister said recently a helicopter flew over and he got tense. I'm wondering what the best way to react is when something like that happens? She just calmly talked to him and reassured him he was with her hanging out, etc, etc. Just wanted to know if that is the best way to help or if there even is a best way to help? Thanks so much for doing this AMA and for your service.

WILLingtonegotiate3 karma

Vets with PTSD are very good at pretending things are normal, be wary of this. I think in these situations the best things is to just mmove on to more conversation.

bleed_nyliving1 karma

Thank you for your response. Are there any "tell-tale" signs that maybe a PTSD vet is pretending to be fine when they are not? I can imagine they are different for everyone but figured I'd ask.

WILLingtonegotiate1 karma

Well everyone is different. If they seem to disconnect frequently but are all smiles when you speak to them, there might be something

floral-orca0 karma

Thank you for your service and for sharing some of the realities that come with that service.

I was wondering if you've looked into any of the experimental treatments for PTSD. Finding the correct medication can be a long road of hope and subsequent disappointment, but there are medications being tested that can reduce/eliminate the emotional connection someone with PTSD has with those memories (I believe propranolol is one of the major ones being tested/trialed).

Is medication something you've thought about, or do you think PTSD is something you want to deal with without relying on medication?

WILLingtonegotiate2 karma

I have definitely read a lot andtaken a little t. Right now mindfulness meditation and marijuana are great. Im hoping for something better everyday.