IamA Veteran that caused the death of a fellow soldier. I now live with PTSD which seems to run my life. AMA!

I feel your pain. I am also a vet, and I have my own demons. For me, it wasn't friendly fire it was the civilian casualty rate from the missions I controlled. Aside from meds and therapy meditation helps a lot. How has your experience with mediation been?

Mediation really started to help me after a Hindu friend shared his perspective on life. He said "Everything, except this very moment, is nothing but your imagination." After a while this started to make a lot of sense to me and helped my life in a number of ways. When you worry about the future, that future hasn't occurred. You worry about what you think might happen, not what actually will. The same goes with your past. Your past is nothing but a replay of your memory of the event and memories can change over time, imagination plays a big part in filling in memory gaps. The only thing you can be certain of, or that you can act upon, is what is happening right now in this very moment.

I'll also add that there have been therapies developed specifically to alter memories over time and relieve PTSD alter memories over time and relieve PTSD. Have you tried any therapy that incorporates memory alteration? Would you consider it?

I have spoke on meditation in other replies. It has been super helpful. I heard something about memery altering on the Joe Rogan podcast I think but havent looked into it. Anything is worth a shot.

You might be referring to the podcast where he was talking to bill burr I think it was about hypnotherapy and sensory-deprivation chambers, he said the chambers gave him the opportunity to relax completely and take apart the ideas and troubles he was having piece by piece and building it back better, might be something worth looking into, sorry for your loss bud.

No it was a different one. Specifically mentioning mind altering and ptsd

The idea of Memory Altering seems very strange to me. I have, and am very grateful for it, never experienced something that resulted in PTSD. I can not even begin to fathom the pain you and other sufferers of PTSD go through.

That said, I would like to ask a question about PTSD and memory altering. To me, my memories, good and bad, make me who I am. My memories remind me that things can get better, and my memories remind me that things can't always be good. My memories are responsible for my personality. I remember the good actions, to make me a better person, and I remember the bad actions, to make me a better person. To knowingly alter my memories is such a foreign concept to me. Is the PTSD so bad that you would alter your memory of the incident? I'm trying my hardest not to sound condescending on anything like that, I just have no frame of reference. I would like to believe that if I had such a traumatic incident, I would never want to forget it.

The closest I've ever had would be almost killing my younger sister in a car crash that wasn't even my fault. I would lose sleep sometimes thinking about that night. The sound of my brakes rings deafening loud in my head and the impact I can feel as if it was yesterday. That doesn't even come close to the trauma you experienced, I know, but I would never want to forget it.

I have this lingering guilt, that I would never want to forget it and I deserve this pain. I believe mind altering does not make you forget, but instead alters your role in the memory

I wish I could tell you to walk away from the memory. But I know it's futile and it's also a huge part of who you are now, and ignoring it would be disrespectful to yourself and others.

Indeed

As a spouse of a veteran that recently took his own life, what would you suggest to spouses or friends do to help their loved ones get the help that they truly need? My husband was terrified of the VA from all of the horror stories people had told him. I do my best to be there for all of his buddies and any other prior/current service members even before this incident but, it can still be very hard to get through to some of these guys.

Edit: Thanks for the reddit gold. I never thought I would get that especially for sharing a story like this. To anyone that reads this post, please reach out to friends, family, and vets in general and try to help in anyway possible. These guys appreciate it more than you could ever know. Much love ♡ and sorry for my spelling and formatting errors I'm on my phone at work!

Do not give up no matter how much you think you are bothering them. No matter how much they say they are fine. Think of it like a time bomb that needs daily maintenance even when showing no signs.

I am doing my best especially after losing my husband. I'm having a hard time, and I know a lot of these guys are too. Thank you for responding. If you ever need an ear I'm here even if it is just to talk about everyday life. I'm doing my best to help everywhere I can!

Thank you so much. I hope you are taking the time to use the services available to you for therapy.

Have not yet unfortunately. He passed very recently and I'm working 40+ hours a week while caring for our 2 year old and I'm pregnant

Im sorry for your loss. Please for the sake of you and the children, do not put it off. The strength you feel now can falter.

Thank you. I will definitely be going as soon as possible. I feel like I am going to beed it the most after the baby is born because right now being pregnant is the only thing holding me together. Message me any time like I said before. Listening to other people is therapeutic for me. Stay strong too. Every day is a fight, I know that. Don't forget you have others on the outside too!

Definitely I will

What is your favorite memory of your brother who passed away?

The night before the incident, we were talking about marriage and forgiveness. He gave me very good advice. "Sometimes you gotta do the right thing and let love catch up"

Man I am so sorry to her that. Did you meet him in the Army or did you know him before?

Met him in the Army. A lot of veterans that meet in the military stay close for their entire lives. It's definitely a brotherhood.

Do you have any help from the government to deal with the PTSD?

I recently had some VA therapy where I learned Mindfulness meditation. That is the biggest help I have ever received with depression and other symptoms of PTSD.

Mindfulness mediation/therapy, etc, has been the only thing to help me. I actually caught myself freaking out for the first time ~8 months ago, and I was able to calm down instead of continuing the downward spiral. It was like finally being able to touch the bottom of the pool with your toes, ya know?

Anyway, you said it was a misfire that killed your buddy, right? I'm guessing it was a mk 19 round? I'm sure people have told you this before, but you can't blame yourself for that shit, dude.

edit: In fact, if it was a mk 19 round, you're lucky to be alive yourself.

Mindfulness is the absolute best therapy I have received. It was a 5.56

SAW or M4?

I saved one of my soldiers from an AR-15 once with the saw.

It was old and the slide or sear (s?) was burred. He charged it back but not all the way. Instead of locking back and making the safety usable it just caught in place. One bump and the pin shot forward and fired a blank.

It was an M4. They took the weapon apart and said the trigger assembly had heavy debris but the safety was working as intended. I just dont know

What's a thought that makes you happy and can get you through hard moments? Do you ever talk to people in real life about your experience?

There is not a single thought that can get me through rough moments. It is hard to explain, but if you can imagine the bad thoughts and emotions as a physical thing in my head reakimg havoc, and as good thoughts come in, it is there to ridicule the thought and destroy it, as if it knows what you are trying to do. The best method i have found is meditation. Sitting, observing the thoughts, both negative and positive. Seeing them for what they are, and letting them do their business. Let them come and go, without judgement. Its not as easy as it sounds and requires a lot of calm and quiet.

Are you practicing mindfulness meditation? That may take you where you need to go? It has allowed me to still the anxiety I get from too much thinking. You can get through this rough patch, you've done it before.

Yes, I actually talk about it in some of the other replies. Thank you.

Hello and thank you for doing this AMA. I recently have also been separated from the Army due to PTSD and of course the whole broken body thing. My question for you is how did the whole situation transpire? The reason I ask this is because some younger military members need to know how these things can happen albeit very rare. Was it a .50 that cooked off? or a MK19?

No. It was my M4. I was on a roof gun. Back then we had shit for equipment. I was on a canvas top humvee. We just had a 240B on the roof strapped down. My M4 was strapped to me faceing down. I engaged with m4, transitioned to 240b during this transition my weapon pressed against the 240b buttstock and the trigger was pulled.

Damn, I am sorry to hear that brother. It could have been any one of us and mistakes happen during firefights which im sure you have been told many times but I know thousands of us have seen mistakes made first hand. I will pass this story on to my friends who are still serving to drill into the new privates who don't take it seriously or understand the consequences of their actions.. I hope one day you find the peace you need. Just remember you are not alone.

Thanks stay safe.

I dont believe this. Theres a trigger guard on the M4, and it would not go off from bumping into the 240. You may be remembering things wrong or making this up completely.

There is definitely a trigger guard. Also on the butstock of a 240b there is a notch that extends out, a hole fore clipping straps to. There are also peices of my gear around my chest that can extend into the trigger guard of my m4. Of course I do not know exactly the cause, but since they tested my hands for residue it came up negative, my chest and the 240b came up positive. Not to mention i was there with my weapon as it happened. Im not sure what you are trying to say here, but you are on the wrong path. Why exactly would this all be made up?

How was the moment itself, during/when you realized you caused his death?

There was a part of me that hoped he would somehow live. I say a part of me because I saw the wound and it was 100% fatal. I tried to start aid but quickly started freezing up. My other battlebuddies started aid. Medivac was denied due to hostile landing zone. They self evacced him by humvee, but he was dead instantly. I knew it was my rifle immediately. most others there did not. They tried reassuring me it was not my weapon. I knew it was.

How did they finally determine who's gun it was? Were you all using different guns/round types or something? Thanks for the ama, and hang in there.

The geometry of it, and I made it very clear, that it was my weapon without a doubt.

You were a very honorable soldier, I hope you find peace in your life very soon.

Thank you

Do you know in hindsight what caused the friendly fire?

Read other replies, I directly mention the circumstances.

I'm sorry, thank u for doing this AMA

No need for apologies, thank you for the question

Were you honorably or dishonorably discharged?

Honorable discharge.

As someone from outside the US where we don't have much military culture.

What's the difference between those two types of discharge or their implications?

Thanks!

Though "dishonorable" discharges are rare they do occur and they are akin to having a felony on you permanent record. Anything other than honorable is bad for you going forward in life. Just having a bad discharge could disqualify you from almost all veteran benefits.

Wow, didn't know the consequences are so harsh.

Thanks for answering!

No problem.

Have you ever spoken to his family? hang in there, dude. I dont mean to politicize, but I read the Pat Tillman book and got so mad at the government for all the coverup that I never took the time to consider the people who may have accidentally killed him, and what they must have gone through. Good luck to you.

I have. His wife was out of this world caring. She wanted to do anything she could to help me. I keep up with his three children through a third party. His family was never given the real story. I gave the actual account to his widow, but his parents were feed a very untrue "nobodies fault" made up story. It was not even close to the actual event. I have a hard time with it and i want to tell them the truth, but i just feel it is selfish of me to do so.

Well, the widow could have done it, as hard as it may be for her. Maybe it is best they don't know? who the hell am I to even fathom a guess. Do you feel the govt should have told them the truth, would that have helped you? I am guessing you have guilt that these people, his parents, are out there, with a version of the story that is untrue and that bothers you? Man, I shouldnt be analysing you, but I imagine it would make you feel better if they knew the truth right? and that's why you feel selfish about it. I am not qualified to tell you how to feel about that. but how about this, if it were my son, I would want to know the real truth. shrugs.

It does. Their version makes me seem more wreckless but it is still a very vague version. I feel guilty telling them because it actually just comforts me knowing they realize I was not as wreckless with their sons life as they may believe. .

What do you do now?

Not much. I have 3 children, that I take care of. I house and a dog. Some hobbies

How do you pay for that? Do you'd till work or does your military benifits pay you?

I recieve benefits

Are the benefits enough to support you and your kids?

No

What sort of hobbies?

I listed them in a reply above. Im a serial hobbyist lol

What is the most annoying thing you hear from people when they are giving their opinions about mental health, basically acting like they GET it, but clearly don't? What makes you cringe?

I can see that people want to understand and help. I never really get aggravated by that kind of thing. When someone, usually a fellow servicemember, and almost always still active servicemember says things like "ehhh shake it off" or "PTSD is bullshit" it aggravates me, but i usually just remove those people from the equation.

I don't deal with anything on this scope. Just survivor's guilt for a while. It's passed for the most part.

If your brother could come back and tell you, I'm sure he'd tell you that he's your brother and he doesn't want you carrying that pain. Put yourself in that position, if your boy was responsible for your death in a tragic accident, would you want him to feel the way you do about it? Instead, would you want him to embrace his life, remember you for the good times, and live a long and fruitful life?

Not sure if you are religious or spiritual, but if there's immortal souls that make us what we are, you know he's wanting nothing but comfort and joy for you. If not, had he seen this coming somehow, would he tell you the same thing?

Embrace your joys in life, share them with him, live them in his honor. Everything you felt about him, he felt about you, and that's where you need to start.

Thank you for saying all this

Have you gotten to the point where you are married and have kids, or are you single?

Im married, 14 years, 3 kids. My marriage has broken up a few times. I recently moved away from her with my kids for a year, and had a gf. My ptsd and her anxiety ruined that relationship, i am living with my kids mom again and we are taking it day by day.

How is that on the kids?

Very rough. My kids are very very well behaved and caring and understand. Im a lucky father

[Serious] Have you tried using marijuana as a therapy tool?

I use marijuana in place of anti anxiety meds. It works better and is better for you. But, I only use it for acute symptoms. I have three kids so being high a lot is a nogo. But if you are asking, marijuana helps more than anything i have been given by the va for anxiety.

Have you considering MDMA? There are recent studies where it's being used effectively to help treat PTSD. Thanks for doing this, man. It can't be easy. I hope you're doing a bit better every day

Ive been reading the studies and am interested. I just hate the fact it would require pharmaceuticals to be thrown into my body. But depending on how mdma pans out, anything is worth a shot

I never understand the 'purist' mentality when it comes to drugs and medication. Your body is producing undesired brainstates without drugs. Life experiences clearly alter your perception and way of thinking just as powerfully as any dosage could. It's just about moderation.

Yes, and adding more just does not seem like a great thing. It could work and I am not a purist by any means whatsoever. I have had a lot of meds given to me by the VA, all had side effects all promised big things, and here i am. There will never be a fix, but imhopeful for more help daily.

One thing that I think makes MDMA more promising though, is that it's only used a handful of times in a therapy setting, unlike drugs like Xanax which only work through constant use.

I hope to see more promising things come from the work with MDMA

If you were ever interested, look into experiments regarding "micro-dosing" where you don't take enough to feel high from, but enough to make a positive difference. Some people have reported it has performed wonders with their mental health.

This is interesting

It's kind of a pharmaceutical in that you can get it prescribed in some places now but I would not consider it a like man made bad for your body big pharma thing. It is just from a plant. Apparently the burning bush moses saw was full of MDMA hence why he hallucinated lol

You lost me at Moses and burning bush

Did you feel the onset of PTSD soon after the incident or did you start to have episodes a while after?

Do you think there's any mindset you could have adopted before the incident that would have put you in a better position to deal with your current circumstances?

I fly for the British army and don't intend to get PTSD anytime soon, any tips would be appreciated.

I felt different immediately. It never got better. Just dimmed then got much worse. I cannot think of a single thing that could have prepared me for the circumstances. My best advice would be, do not act tough or invibcible. If its bothering you, talk and get help immediately. I think preventive maintenance is the best advice possible.

I see from the other comments you say cannabis calms you down but you can't do it often because of your kids. Have you ever thought of just telling them what you're doing it and why you're doing it? Why would you not want them to know?

Also, have you ever looked into MDMA as a means of therapy? There has been a lot of research and they're currently conducting trials as to its effectiveness at combating PTSD.

They know what marijuana is, and that I use it, and for what reasons. The reason I say I cannot do it around them, is my fear of making a mistake while high.

do you talk to any of your old battlebuds still?

Daily.

What was your scariest combat experience? And similarly, were there any moments that made you feel like a complete bad-ass?

Definitely anytime an IED hit us was scary. Unexplainably scary.

Complete bad ass moment. We were ambushed in a very busy Market street. The vehicle in front of me was being pummelled by small arms fire. They did not have a shot but I had a clear shot. I drove them back with my m4 and wounded/possibly killed one of them. The vehicle in front of me had injured soldiers but after driving them back the guys were able to get out of the ambush and get aid. No cadualties. Im very glad I had a shot and happier that my brothers lived.

Do you still live in Jacksonville?

I recently moved back. I am aware the VA here is horrible.

I am being treated very well by the Gulf Coast Veterans system (Panama City Beach) Not all of the VA clinics are bad. I came from the one in Atlanta and it sucked. There they just treat you like a number, but down here I am made to feel like a person.

I actually had great care in Kansas (Topeka). North Florida is awful though

Gainesville used to be okay back when I was a kid an accompanied my dad on trips but I get the impression it has gone downhill, as well. They would have him in group for his PTSD but he is an old crusty hermit, so I am wondering if it helps much for you?

Groups do not tend to do much for this kind of thing I have noticed. You are usually grouped with people of varying illness and you cannot talk about your event. Its more of a teaching environment now days. Not good in my opinion

Have you forgiven yourself (or at least come to terms) with the incident? Or are you refusing to accept it was an accident to punish yourself?

It is on and off. Back and forth. I know it was an accident, the problem is this, people are punished for accidents a lot.

I don't know if anybody came out a told you this, but your pain is never going to go away.

But, I can give you this... If the situation was reversed and he accidentally killed you, wouldn't you kick his ass if he pissed the rest of his life away in regret?

Yes I am aware it will always be here. In my eyes it is a small price to pay. I do not want to guess how he would feel or I would feel in reverse situations.

I know you said you don't want to guess, but have you ever tried to go down that thought experiment? It seems insanely difficult to do, but from my outside-looking-in perspective it seems possibly helpful.

I see the point. But at the end, the answers are meaningless. As my PTSD, depression and anxiety happen independantly from where he may place the blame or lack there of.

goddam logic.

Good luck, man. You took on a heavy burden just putting yourself in a position where this could happen and drew the short straw. It fucking kills me that W. and Cheney and Wolfowitz and that standout assclown Rumsfeld sleep like babies while guys like you have to deal with things like this.

I dont know how they sleep but war does suck

What are some things you do when your condition gets hard to handle?

Mindfulness meditation. Marijuana, call a friend. Marijuana cannot always be used, due to children being around or just bad timing.

How many tours did you do exactly?

1. After the accident, I was discharged from the Army. I spent 13 months in Iraq.

No question to add. Just wanted to extend my heartfelt thank you for your service and dedication to our country. Your bravery and sacrifices are truly appreciated ((hugs))

Thank you.

What is your favorite color?

I do a lot of color associations where I work with drug addicts, some of them with PTSD. So it's my favorite question to ask!

I like blue, but I really tend to be drawn to bright blues

Can you tell us what your average day is?

Sure. During a school year i wake up to get my kids ready for school. Send them off. Stare at a wall. Read. Try to burry my mind in an endless stream of hobbies that are life changing only to give up on them within weeks. Pick my kids up in the afternoon. Help with homework or dinner. Stay up all night and repeat. Weekends and summer are the same except my kids are home.

What hobbies have you tried? What's your current hobby?

Computer building. Models. Painting. Website building. 3D printing. Video games. Fishing. Hunting. Camping. Sports. Fantasy sports.

Try crochet or knitting. They are very relaxing for the mind. I crochet and it helps me de stress because all I'm focused on is counting stitches and rows.

Bonus: you end up with something to either keep or give away.

Ive thought about this. Might try it out.

I have heard coloring is very therapeutic, as well. Do you workout at all? That is therapeutic for me.

Im getting back into working out and i do color with my children. It helps.

Ever thought about getting a dog or an aquarium?

I have a therapy dog. My best buddy.

From veteran to veteran, hang in there.

Have you done any volunteering? I found a local (Texas) Veteran advocacy group that I've worked with. It helps me with needing a purpose and all that jazz. If you need anything, brother, let me know.

Ive thought about volunteering a lot. I just keep losing the drive. Thank you brother.

On a more personal level, what are your favorite films?

Gotta go with "There will be blood" "Fear and Loathing" I love good acting. Those two are full of it.

OIF Vet here.

How were you treated by your chain of command/NCO support channel, and other members of the unit after the incident?

With great love, understanding and care. More impirtantly they went right back to treating me like an asshole, just like everybody else. As you know, in the military, if people are coddling you, it sucks. When they fuck with you, its better.

What is the absolute worst part about war you have experienced apart from the fellow soldier?

It's neccessity. Lack of sleep. Intense moments 24 hours a day. Losing loved ones. Family separation.

Was there many other friendly fire incidents between people you knew in the military? Just curious if it's common.

Its common in wide scale warfare, I did not know anyone else that directly caused a death. But there are many negligent discharges/misfires. It happens nearly every day

What were the major influences that lead you to join the army?

Why did you choose the MOS that you chose?

Do you regret joining?

What would you say to a high school student thinking about joining the military?

I had a very horrible family life, and acted stupid in school. College was out of the question and I always wanted to get far away. The military helped with that. Then 9/11 happened and my army career changed. I chose my MOS because it had the largest bonus while still being combat arms. I do not regret joining one bit. I would suggest anyone joining to make sure you are getting what you want or need from the military, it will get what it needs from you.

Have you ever heard of EMDR therapy? If not I encourage you to check this out and find a therapist in your area that you can talk to about this. It is particularly helpful for PTSD. Peace to you as you walk your recovery from this.

I have. Did this for 5 weeks. Noticed no improvement. Moved onto other things.

What thought regarding the incident do you most ruminate on?

What I could have done (a great many things) to prevent it

Were any of them things you were expected to do? Or just things that in hindsight, if you'd done them differently, you'd expect a different outcome?

Both. I should keep my weapon in a safe direction, the movement in combat makes this difficult but it is still important.

Can you give us a detailed account of the situation as it unfolded?

I actually addressed this previously, if you need more detail ask away.

http://postimg.org/image/u97ny93fb/ this is the image I was able to make with the crappiest drawing skills on a computer imaginable. This is how I understood it from other posts? Care to clarify? (sorry for ignorance or anything I come from a country with little military knowledge

EDIT: whoops, forgot: I understand that something happened as you switched to the mounted gun and the misfire occured

That is how i was standing and somewhat how my m4 was adjacent to my body. But it was in a humvee and the barrel was pointingtowards the back passenger seat

Do you still have friends from the Military or was this a kind of isolating experience that pushed them away?

I do have friends yes. Most were there the day it happened. Some i have lost contact with in no part to this event. The ones there that day know my heart, and how it has destroyed my life as well as the life of my brothers family.

Your statement was there was a "misfire" that caused the friendly fire. Does that mean it was a mechanical issue that was the root cause?

Not sure. I swear i placed it on safe, when the weapon was recovered it was on safe. Just a freak accident between the weapon being pressed between gear and other gear it fired.

If your finger wasn't on the trigger and it sounds like you were managing your gear correctly, it's not on you man.

Military standards are to stop the gear from killing the wrong people. Imagine if helicopters had as many recalls as consumer cars.

I do know that part of it. But it was facing in a very dangerous direction. Which I could have prevented

I don't know how much equipment you were laden with, but it sounds like you have a few things slung on your shoulders & in your hands, in a setting that would make most of us curl up & cry to ourselves.

You would be surprised at the strength and bravery of the average joe. Dont doubt yourself

Oh, I know lots of people can 'man up' under pressure. It's living under pressure that's what would make us average folks crack.

I can go 24hrs without sleep as a pure numbers thing. I can't go a week without sleep no matter how much I want to. Some people can with training & the right situation.

You've been in situations we might be able to survive for a couple hours, maybe days before our body is too flooded with adrenaline, endorphin and trauma to function with the accuracy needed to survive.

War sucks and you may think you cannot go the length of time in it that some vets do. The thing is, we do not have the ability to check out or leave. Lie it or not you are there and staying

This leads to an obvious question I never thought of before.. why they hell are guns mounted in such a way that they can fire on their own vehicle?

The roof gun did not fire into the vehicle, my personal weapon did.

How has the ptsd ruined your life? I am in a similar situation. 45bravo in 2003 to 2005. If you ever need anything lemme know friend. It's tough hope you hooked up with the DAV they are a big help with claims

In the ways you would think. Relationships. Physical and mental health.

I'm sorry to hear, I have been fighting with drinking, anger and pissing on my relationship. My wife is at her wits end are you getting your mental health appointments? My VA can be a pain in the assignment but the inpatient is really good. Can I be of any service do you need anything brother you can pm me if you need too.

Im getting care, for it. Thanks brother

Have you tried CBD and THC? Two of the main molecules found in Cannabis that help fight PTSD extremely effectively!! Please don't be afraid because of all the misinformation that you've heard and learned, Cannabis will improve the quality of your life and let you live again! No worrying, no pills, just happiness and freedom! :) DM me and I can send you some names and numbers that will help you to extents you didn't even know were possible! Have a blessed day!

Read previous replies to this. Thanks for the info.

What do you think about where the war has gone since you were discharged?

No opinion on this at all.

Sorry to hear about that accident. Don't lose heart !

I just finished watching American Sniper the other day, and I was intrigued by the scenes in that film that alluded to PTSD.

Have you tried to get into self-help groups or any sort of therapy involving a trained psychoanalyst/psychiatrist? If so, do you feel it is helpful at all?

Also, I have read numerous times that veterans that were part of the military for a long time have trouble reintegrating into society even without PTSD, as a result of being accustomed to having their day more or less planned out for them and not having to take care of many of the usual every day chores/duties of a civilian. Would you say that has been a problem for you as well, and what would you propose one can do to counteract it?

I have had many instances with professional help including a 4 week in patient program dedicated to this through the VA. What i found was mindfulness meditation and comraderie help with ptsd. Im not sure i had a hard time reintigrating as much as i just hate being around a lot of people i do not trust.

Thanks for the reply.

Did they teach you the meditation techniques there or did you acquire that on your own?

Did you hate being around people you do not trust before, or did this emerge after you were discharged?

Were you "okay" with being discharged at the time, or did it come as a shock to you? What were your plans back then (as in how long were you intending on being enlisted originally)?

I learned the trchniques while in patient.

I was never this untrusting or anxious around others.

I was shocked at the discharge, but it made sense. No matter what the reason, I would likely never be promoted again. I was intending on making it a career. (20years)

How/when does your PTSD manifest itself and how do you deal with it on a day to day basis?

Mostly cliche things. Loud noises, tons of people around, rainy days. But its there all day. As if someone is sitting on my chest.

What religion are you? Why or why not?

Im an atheist. I have never found a reason not to be.

There's been some very good work recently with Mdma and ptsd, have you given any thought to trying it? There's some really encouraging results.

A few replies about this, but in short. I havent tried it but interested in long term results.

Sorry by that. Did you make any mistake like forgot to lock your gun, or was pure accidental?

Accidental but mistakes were made

Dont blame your self, keep going, try to get over this ptsd, help other veterans, etc... War is cruel and everybody knows that a thing like that can happen. (sorry my bad english)

English was great. Thank you

Have you tried playing League of Legends?

Ive played a lot of games. Not league of legends though i have friends that do competitively. I have tried HotS and a ton of other games though. They help to take you away, but with my kids, I gotta be around mentally and physically

Have you ever tried reinserting on the labor market?

Yes. I actually did very well in the profession I chose after the military. But it all caught up to me in a big way. I should not have ignored my problems for so long.

Just curious, wich profession was?

Automotive industry.

Have you tried MDMA?

No not yet, i hear there are good studies happening

Are you doing anything to distract yourself from the past? I have a handfull of pills from the VA but it only helps so much. Do you have a hobby or Occupation that you can enjoy that keeps your mind focused on what you are doing?
Also, get a hold of me if you need anything brother.
I was in the same boat as you before. I am not good now, but I am better.

Im moving from hobby to hobby to help with that. Same to you, im here if you need me.

Out of everything I have tried, I feel just having a motorcycle equates to some kind of freedom and stress release. I have gone as far as joining a Veteran only motorcycle club, so now I have a community of people that I don't have to explain what I'm dealing with, they know, and we support each other.

Im terrified of motorcycles.

What were your thoughts immediately after you found out what had happened?

I knew it was my weapon immediately. I was devastated and wanted to die

I have a good friend who has PTSD. Most of the time he is fine and I don't see much of a difference but my sister said recently a helicopter flew over and he got tense. I'm wondering what the best way to react is when something like that happens? She just calmly talked to him and reassured him he was with her hanging out, etc, etc. Just wanted to know if that is the best way to help or if there even is a best way to help? Thanks so much for doing this AMA and for your service.

Vets with PTSD are very good at pretending things are normal, be wary of this. I think in these situations the best things is to just mmove on to more conversation.

Thank you for your response. Are there any "tell-tale" signs that maybe a PTSD vet is pretending to be fine when they are not? I can imagine they are different for everyone but figured I'd ask.

Well everyone is different. If they seem to disconnect frequently but are all smiles when you speak to them, there might be something

Thank you for your service and for sharing some of the realities that come with that service.

I was wondering if you've looked into any of the experimental treatments for PTSD. Finding the correct medication can be a long road of hope and subsequent disappointment, but there are medications being tested that can reduce/eliminate the emotional connection someone with PTSD has with those memories (I believe propranolol is one of the major ones being tested/trialed).

Is medication something you've thought about, or do you think PTSD is something you want to deal with without relying on medication?

I have definitely read a lot andtaken a little t. Right now mindfulness meditation and marijuana are great. Im hoping for something better everyday.