Tom Arnold answers literally everything.

literally anything? That's a dangerous game.

• Was Rosanne good in bed?

and will you upload the sex tape to pornhub?

If Seinfeld does first

Rosanne no. Roseanne hell yeah!

Does Roseanne give good head?

ask Seinfeld

Tom: Where is my True Lies 2?

ask Jim Cameron..seriously ask him. We almost did it in 2001. Had a great script by Jeff Easton but it ended at the Twin Towers and we couldn't make terrorism funny at that time. We all would love to do this. I can't believe Arnold and I haven't done another movie since I'm his best co star ever (he's done like 18 movies with Sly..his nemesis!)

What made you decide to go to Roseanne's Comedy Central Roast, and how is your relationship with her now?

I really wanted to do it and discussed this with Howard Stern. he pointed out the pros and cons. I was nervous because she was in control and we have some terrible history but I'm glad I did it. It was a rare real TV moment.

Link for the lazy

That was great, I got a little emotional at the end.

Very funny. Tom was quite nervous.

yes he was

me too

Hey Tom, no question but just wanted to say that you are the "author" (for lack of a better word) of my favorite quote ever. When asked about Roseanne claiming you had a small penis, you responded "Even a 747 looks small when it's flying over the Grand Canyon." I'm sure I got that wrong, but it's close. Anyway, that is my go-to whenever anyone asks what my favorite quote of all time is (that happens often). Just thought you might like to know that. Congrats on becoming a dad and the weight loss.

"when it lands in the grand canyon" you really can't do that joke unless your ex-wife says you have a 3" penis on SNL

No question, just want to say that I love seeing you onscreen. There's something about you and your delivery that just lights up a scene. Big fan! Wishing you and your family all the very best for the present and the future.

Thank you very very much. The kindness of strangers blows me away

Seconded. Something about Tom Arnold just warms up a scene, kind of the way Phil Hartman always did. His casting in True Lies made perfect sense to me and I've always looked forward to seeing him used in a similar way (credibly serious but also readily comic). I've always liked Tom.

I miss Phil. Top to bottom one of the 3 most talented people I've met here. He could do everything

Stupid Question: Are you still your own grandpa? I fucking love The Stupids <3

I am and so are you

In a recent Howard interview, john goodman said when you became part of the show roseanne it changed the chemistry of the show.

Did you ever notice a change?

Do you regret writing for the show?

Thanks for doing the AMA, Love you on Howard

I heard John on Howard. I love John. When I joined Roseanne I came in as a writer and Roseanne's buddy. She was very unhappy. The pilot (which I did terrible audience warm up on) was amazing but the second episode sucked (that happens a lot) and she freaked. We hung out a bit with John and Lori Metcalf (amazing!!!) but my job was to take care of Rosey and her point of view on the show. She was battling the first producers on her own. I know they were friends of John's but they had to go. I had her back and the show's back in my opinion. John and I are big midwestern boys and there were some moments but that happens. I hope he realizes I was trying to make the show and his life better. It could've collapsed a couple times and I feel I kept it going by keeping the star and true creator going. I did make some mistakes. I didn't always handle things eloquently because I didn't understand how this work place could possibly be that different than the meat packing plant I'd worked in (it's not) but I took Roseanne's side not matter what. Eventually I learned to finesse a bit. I respected the new writers (many of them friends of mine from comedy) but there were moments and I knew John was pissed sometimes because he's mope and get extra hammered. I don't know if I'd be there actor I am without John Goodman. I learned watching him everyday and he is a genius. I also could not of had the control to make decisions without Roseanne's blessing. I did not come in and take over. I came in and helped her. Did some of the dirty work that happens usually and I think my presence made the show better. You can decide by watching the show when I was there and when I wasn't. BTW we all had a lot of fun down there. Very seldom after Season One were there big issues because by then everyone knew it was HER SHOW

laurie metcalf is the most underrated female comedic actress period.

She is so brilliant and so damn humble. Have you ever seen her on stage? Makes me question if we're in the same business..AND we had a sorta date back in the day. The week of the Roseanne pilot. Rosey and I weren't together but she saw me holding Laurie's hand and said "writers cannot date actors. That's one of the rules of Hollywood" I didn't know any better so I said okay and that was that. Later I found out that Rosey liked me

Who would kick your ass the worst: Schwarzenegger, DMX, or Roseanne

obviously Roseanne already kicked my ass the worst. Jim Cameron says he cast me in True Lies because when Arnold left the room I said "I can take him". I wasn't trying to be funny it's just that guys size each other up incase the shit hits the fan. DMX is sweet and he's had a rough go but Jim Cameron is the man I'd least like to fight. He's 6'3" and absolutely not afraid of anything. I have seen him get in someone's face who screwed him over. He's fearless and that makes him dangerous in a fight. I just realized that I'm 54 and talking about fighting my 60 year old friends. This is sad:)

A couple of years ago I went to go see Quantum of Solace at the Century City movie theater. You came in the theater right before the previews started. Somebody said "Hi Tom!" and you yelled loudly enough for everyone to hear "Hey, how ya doing!"

My question is: Did you like Quantum of Solace?

I did I also like that theatre because there a quote of mine on the floor with all these other famous quotes. The first time I saw them I was jealous and then I read "what's the exit strategy daddio" or whatever and I tried to remember what Bruce Willis movie that was from then I realized it was mine from True Lies and I squealed to my wife "that's MY quote, honey!" I do it every time we go there. it's annoying

Tom - congrats on losing the weight! How did you do it?

the moment my son was born I started eating a whole cake then something happened and I realized I was an asshole for eating this way. I am a father and he needs me to be around. I gave up bread and sugar first. Lots of cardio and it started rolling off. I am not on a diet I just don't eat like Im in an eating contest anymore. I used Arnold's Muscle Pharm supplements to get the last 40 off. Really helps with recovery so I can continue to work out

Are these supplements Arnold Schwarzenegger supplements?

No. They're Tom Arnold supplements!

So, cocaine then?

...A hell of a (weight loss) drug.

I was fat when I did coke. Did not work for me on any level

When and how did you finally come to terms with your alcoholism? Have you found help in 12 step programs, or do you have other methods of dealing with substance abuse issues?

I got arrested 7 times (3 drunk drivings) but didn't even consider 12 steps until 1986. It took me 3 years of on and off meetings to get one day Dec 10 1989. Haven't had a drink since or cocaine or meth but I did slip on pain meds in 2008 after 19 years of sobriety. I have a lot of support and am not afraid to ask for help usually (that's the key, there is help out there for all of us and these folks stay sober themselves by helping us..and we get to help others to keep us sober..it's great) My mom died young from alcoholism and it's in my genes. I've also had external issues (child abuse, family issues) that I'm sure contributed to my issues (I allowed them to contribute) Just had to realize that no bodies perfect and I never will be. I also look for gratitude every day around me. I still have an unhealthy fear of failure sometimes but having a son and knowing the long journey to get him and what a miracle this is makes me not go down as far as I used to. No matter what happened to me as a kid or my failed marriages I've been blessed and when I realize that I climb out of that funk. It's not about me anymore and I'm relieved!

Best Damn Sports Show Period needs a comeback!

I would LOVE THAT. I'm trying to figure out another sports show right now. Best job ever

I love your story about how you confronted the guy who molested you. Have you had any contact with him since you confronted him?

I have not. He no longer lives in my hometown. I hope I never see him. He should hope the same

describe rosanne is three words or less

complicated talented woman

Howard stern has had some amazing revealing,deep interviews recently with you and your ex wife Roseanne ., do you attribute your "somewhat" peace with her to the king of all media?

I attribute all good things to Howard Stern. He is the very best interviewer out there. Charlie Rose used to be. Charlie is still great but there is nothing like a Howard Stern hour interview. More people comment on those than anything I've ever done and yes me and my ex-wife have had some interesting times with Howard

I can honestly say that Carpool got me into The Ramones. How sick of that song were you after shooting wrapped?

Also, thank you for being in about every movie I loved from childhood.

Thank you. I insisted they put that song in there so no matter how the movie turned out I knew that song would still be awesome

It's the 20th Anniversary of True Lies. Did you film any commentaries for this upcoming True Lies special edition Blu-ray...and how good would you look as a blue alien in Cameron's Avatar 2?

yes we all shot a documentary for it. I would look awesome in blue…Jim Cameron:)

You played a child molester in the movie Gardens of the Night and got a lot of praise from critics. How did you decide to take that role, and what was the filming experience like given the abuse you suffered as a child?

that was a tough movie to do because the subject matter hit close to home. I was sexually abused (raped doesn't sound manly enough) as a child which is also why I had to do it. I hated myself everyday we filmed and was grateful when we were done. I am proud of that movie. worked with great people

[deleted]

we had a guy that did that

Congrats on your Dad-dom and your amazing weight loss, Mr. A. But just for the record, my parents are in their 90s and they're both hamplanets, so go figure.

Thanks for so many excellent laffs.

that makes me feel good

Katy Segal or Maggie Siff?

Tough one but since Katy is the very best actress working today I'm Katy all the way. She's also one of the finest people you'd ever meet and she's a f-ing rock and roll mama. Kurt Sutter is a lucky man

What was the set of Soul Plane like and how did it compare to the Tyler Perry set?

Soul Plane set was FUN. Sofia Vergara was so sweet and got to know her and her whole story which is amazing. Snoop as always was Snoop and I saw Monique beat up Kevin Hart. Not kidding. He made fun of her hairy legs and she tackled him. Hilarious, should've been in the movie

Whats the deal with airline food?

ask Seinfeld

ask Seinfeld

What is the most regretful thing you have ever eaten? Food of course.

Last night I had healthy soup BUT I put way too many gluten free crackers on top of it. WAY too many. Did not feel good this morning. I've also been tempted (been watching a lot of football and they have 17 fast food commercials an hour and they make a bacon double cheeseburger look so f-ing good) but I haven't screwed up too bad. In the past I've eaten 8 Big Macs with quarter pounder meat. That wasn't good and literally eaten a whole cake.

If you could take over a TV show for an episode, who's show would you hijack and what would you do?

I have this thing inside of me that believes I could make any show better for an episode. That is also something I would like to do more. Come in and consult. There are times when I'm watching my favorite shows and I might think "I would've done this here" but that's just my ego. I do root for shows like Modern Family and hope it doesn't go sideways. I think I saw one bad episode and I got worried (every show has an off week) but they were back at it the next week and all was well

Hi Tom! As a 23 year old very interested in hopefully making a career out of comedy one day…How did your very first stand up set go? Any advice would be well received! Thank you!

My first stand up (1982 University of Iowa student union) went great because all my friends came and we were hammered on Everclear Punch (Everclear and powdered Gatorade) but my second time sucked because I had to rely on material and I didn't have any original or funny material. It takes work and you have to get up and suck a bunch but if you love it...

My question: WHO IS MR. SENDER?!

I just wanted to say that The Stupids was being played every other weekend at my house when I was a kid. Thank you for that movie.

WHO IS MR. SENDER?!

I. DONT. KNOW. I get asked that once a week. Crazy, right?

Tom, great to have you on here, I've been watching your movies since I've been growing up in the 90's. One movie that I vividly remember you in is Carpool, I must of watched that movie countless times renting the VHS from the local video store. One movie that you were in that I wasn't expecting was Austin Powers, how did you land such a small roll that went uncredited ?

Mike Myers was working on his "come back" and I love him and worked with him on SNL a few times. Demi Moore produced it and she called me and asked. She said I was the only actor she could think of for the role. Then I read it and I was taking a dump so…shot one day and people remember that more that films I worked 5 months on. You never know which is why I work so much.

How did you finally quit cocaine? Not a joke, I have a buddy who is finding it really hard to stay sober.

I have not done cocaine since Dec 9, 1989 (12/10/89 was my first sober day) I've been honest publicly about my drug abuse and there are people who still make cocaine jokes about me and I haven't done it in 24 years. Some of these idiots weren't even born then! I did cocaine 84-89 and it was "fun" the first few times I did it but it changed. The affect it had on me changed. I was paranoid and needed more and more but kept doing it because I was addicted. It was a sad and lonely and shameful way to live.

What kind of drugs were you doing back in the day, obvious to me that cocaine was a thing for you and how much cash do you figure you wasted on habits?

I wasted whatever I had. Like a lot of addicts. I told myself that if I got a great job and made money I wouldn't be so obsessed with drugs but that was a lie. I got a great writing job and I just did more drugs (a quarter kilo instead of a quarter gram at a time). I probably should've died and I obviously wanted to. I quit before things like this Molly were invented and sometimes I think "I wish I'd tried that" but that's the bullshit addict in my head talking. I know exactly how that would've gone. I do not miss being drug's bitch and that's what addicts are. We are not cool. Drugs are our masters. A shit way to live. I am so grateful for the life I have now. it's was cooler. Trust me.

Hey Tom - Thanks for doing this AMA, how much adlibbing did you do in True Lies? One of my favourite lines in the whole movie "Seconds count, ditch the bitch"

lots of ad libs my me but ditch the bitch is pure Cameron

Thanks for doing this AMA! I know most people are going to say they loved you in True Lies or Hit and Run but I think my favorite movie you were in was Cradle 2 the Grave. I loved Archie!

You've made headlines recently for shedding 89 pounds. Are you slimming down for a film role or is this just a health initiative?

I just finished Any Day with Sean Bean, Kate Walsh and Eva Longoria..my character was described as 50, overweight, kinda dumpy and about half way through the director Rustam Branaman looked at me and said "wait, holy shit, what happened to you? You were supposed to be fat" Well I acted fat and that's what's important

What was it like working with Rick Moranis? Any interesting stories?

He did not like me one bit and I knew it so….He's great but maybe I was in character too much. Saw this list of the best "bully movies" of all time on Twitter and it was #33. I watched the trailer for the first time and it was painful. Lucky to be #33 even though I'm pretty sure there are only 33 bully movies in existence. I'm not kidding. It was embarrassing (the trailer) Damn. Made me think about some of the career mistakes I made in the mid 90's but that was just one of the trailers. I remember the movie being better than that. I loved the script when I first read it. Oh well..

In your prime how much alcohol could you consume and still be borderline functional?

from the first time I drank at 12 I never had a little booze. I always got drunk. That is a problem. Why would someone just have a little? Sounds crazy to me but that's what normal people do. If you are asking how much you can drink and still be "functional" you probably shouldn't drink

Hey Tom. If Jackie Thomas had become a big hit that made it to syndication, what direction would you and Ms. Barr have taken the show and character in?

I loved the Jackie Thomas Show. It wasn't cancelled. ABC wanted to move the show to Iowa and make me a meat packer again but I didn't want to fire the cast (including Michael Boatman and now famous director Paul Feig) BTW Paul Feig..when am I going to be in one of your hit movies buddy????

When is your next project with Arnold?

we've been talking about this for 20 years. I almost did a couple things and he showed up for me in The Kid and I (a movie I wrote) Jamie Leigh did too. We should really figure out something to do together. His movie Sabotage (David Ayers directed) is going to be a huge hit this spring and I want to ride his coat tails

Hey Tom I use to love some of your movies from the 90's like Carpool, The Stupids and Big Bully, was there any roles you tried out for but didn't get?

I'm sure there were but back then I could kind of pick for a couple years and I didn't choose very well so I had to start over as a character actor. Wish I'd made better choices when I had some juice but I'm also proud I've been able to act in 120 films…4 good ones:):)

Just got done watching the movie "The Final Season." I thought it was a great movie. How come there was very little of the story between you and the son?

I loved that too. We filmed in Iowa and you're right there should've been more with Michael and me. We had something good but it was a baseball movie and baseball movies have a lot of baseball

Hey Tom! Congrats on your new health in the new year, you look fantastic! I've read you trained with Schwartzenegger for your new svelte figure, what's the best piece of training advice he gave you? Also, what are your thoughts on being trolled for years with the whole "chicken shirt" debacle on Roseanne? Personally I found it hilarious! Cheers to you and yours and your future success!

Arnold has always encouraged me to be healthy as he does everyone in his life and else where. We've trained together but it's so fricking intimidating I'd rather do it alone. The chicken shirt on Roseanne was a running joke. She and the wardrobe gals snuck it into on camera scenes because they knew I hated it. Those are the kind of things you do to keep your job interesting. I didn't really care but pretended it was a big deal. I did really care about the family winning the lottery and fought that until the day I was fired. I was wrong about the chicken shirt but...

What's your favourite colour m&m?

peanut

I don't have a question, just wanted to say congrats on the weight loss and can't wait for the True Lies blu-ray.

(also holy shit, that people.com photo makes you look like Johnny Knoxville's older brother)

why older brother??? kidding, thank you..BTW I still weigh 200 pounds and will never be skinny

Ottumwa IA reporting in! Sadly I'm about 10 minutes from clocking in at Excel. But hey, thanks for everything! Can you tell us anything we might not know about the movie The Stupids?

Excel is what they called Hormel when I worked there (before they broke the union in the 80's:) The Stupids was directed by John Landis (Animal House, Trading Places American Werewolf in London) and 7 big time directors did cameos (Landis always does this) Norman Jewison, Atom Agoyam, Robert Wise..the Sound of Music Robert Wise. I was late to set the day I filmed with Robert Wise and he was bugged (rightly so..lessons learned) and he shot his coverage without me. I am sorry

Will there be another redneck vacation?

as a matter of fact I am filming this Friday and it will air in a couple weeks. They tried to do the show without me this year but tested it and they missed me. I love those guys and CMT and look forward to it. A bit of a different format this season. The family is at home and it's a bit of a sit com like Roseanne and I will do my thing like the VO on Dukes of Hazzard. Hope you like it

Who're your idols/inspirations?

I get inspiration everyday from different people for different reasons. I know that I cannot do anything alone and do it well (including losing weight..I got a lot of help and support from other fatties and my wife) I love people who have been down and come back. I love to watch the 30 for 30 docs ESPN does but I also have a ton of people in my life who have overcome. I support a heart kids camp Camp Del Corazon and everyone of those children have not only survived but thrived after facing the toughest stuff imaginable. Lately I've been thinking about their parents too and what they've dealt with. I will say that when I am down and I do get down the one thing I'm sure about is that all the good things I've done in my life to help children really count. Can't say that for my work always but If I need to feel good about myself I go to that because that is real

So how did you feel about that Ion television movie "All I want for Christmas"

That was one of those where the producer calls and says "what are you doing next Tuesday?" and I don't want to seem too available because they will never respect/pay you if you are so I say "I'm busy" and he's like "what about Wed?" and I'm like "I'll be there". They were nice people but I only worked a day so I have not idea. I'm sure it was amazing!:) Chasing Christmas and Mistletoe and Miracles (I think that was the name..Candace Cameron played my daughter) are 2 holiday films I can recommend. Moonlight and Mistletoe !!! That's it

what are your top 5 favorite rock bands?

I love the classics like Springsteen of course but I lived and hung with The Replacements and Prince and Husker Du and The Suburbs in the 80's so they are personal to me. I also love Train. You cannot be depressed when listening to train. George Jones will always mean a lot too me. John Prine. CCR. Alice Cooper Sammy Hagar Steve Tyler (we have a charity concert in Maui every New Years Eve). I love guys who were there when I was a kid in Iowa and are still here. The music business won't allow that anymore probably

what's your favorite steely dan song?

also what's your favorite podcast?

reeling in the years…lots of good podcasts out there. Greg Fitzsimmons is very good

In addition is getting slimmer, thanks to the "Arnold Series" supplements and your strong will, would you also like to take some MusclePharm Arnold products to get big muscles / more muscular?

obviously you work for Muscle Pharm so where's my offer?:) I need to firm my shit up seriously and will use the products to help but I still have to eat right and exercise or it doesn't matter

I met you MANY years ago at an Anaheim Angels ballgame. You were in the middle of using the bathroom and you asked for me to wait till you were finished. I was 9-10 years old at the time. I apologize for inconveniencing you and appreciate the signature you gave me. Thank you!

I'm glad that story ended well

I know you're a big guy (or were a big guy) but are you really that good with knots?

The Simpson's right?

Being from Iowa, how did you become a Dodgers fan?

I'm a Cub fan but go to a lot of Dodger games. Great team out here

Great job on your weight loss! That's really awesome and encouraging. Thanks for the years of entertainment.

thank you

What was your favorite place to film?

LA I love to come home at night. Austin is great. Vancouver is too. Toronto. Filmed a movie in my hometown Ottumwa Iowa and that was super special. My grandmas were in that (The Woman Who Loved Elvis) not a great movie but I still check it out to see Dottie and Dort. They really loved me

Your wife seems amazing! What made you fall in love with your wife, and why is she different then your ex's?

I love you, honey and I will be upstairs soon. I first starting crushing on you when our eyes met at Iris and Michael's Passover 2008. Iris said no one could leave until "the kids sang a few songs" The kids were like 30 years old and there was this whole crazy concert suddenly happening in their massive living room and no one would make eye contact with me because it was ridiculous but you did and you smiled. You got it. I fell in love right there and have fallen more in love everyday since. You gave me the thing I've always wanted most: a family. I have never met anyone like you. You are beautiful, funny, smart and crazy and most important of all: you ALWAYS HAVE MY BACK. Always. You don't always agree with me but you always have my back. You also love me unconditionally. I am looking at pictures from a year and 90 pounds ago and you never said I was fat. You wanted me to be healthy but you always made me feel good about myself and looking at the pictures that is amazing because I was disgusting. I love you because when I look into your eyes I see the man I want to be. He is handsome and sexy and smart and kind. If you promise to always see that guy I promise to keep trying to become him. When I met you I'd given up on the dream of a happy marriage and definitely a happy family but you never did. Like I said, you are crazy and I am too because I believed you. I believe in you. Best decision I've ever made. Thank you for accepting me with all my flaws and baggage. Thank you for never mentioning all the mistakes I made before I met you. Thank you for giving me a clean slate and filling that up with this new wonderful perfect life. Thank you for my son. Our son. Thank you baby doll.

Im gonna be honest with you, I saw your name and didn't know who the hell you were until I saw the picture haha. Anyways my questions are how hard was it for you to get where you are now and how exactly did you get to where you are now(career wise).

haha…it was impossible that I got right here with this life because it's exactly as I dreamed it when I was a lonely kid in Ottumwa Iowa. Maybe I'm dreaming. Please don't wake me yet!

Hey Tom, congrats on being a new dad. And on losing a lot of weight! 90 pounds, wow.

Ok, I guess...what is your biggest regret during the time you spent married to Roseanne?

Also, what is your favorite James Bond film?

I acted like an idiot too often. I didn't care what people thought. I never thought I'd have to be on my own one day and those crazy stories would haunt me. It didn't help that she dogged me so badly but I've done fine. Amazing actually if you consider where I was 20 years ago. The perception was that I had zero talent and was just R's buddy. I'm lucky I got the opportunity to prove otherwise. Also TOO MANY TATTOOS