I had my husband arrested last month for sexually molesting our daughter. AMAA

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thanks

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She woke up in the middle of one of his... episodes. I say it like that because, well... it is what it is. A mental illness. He is very well aware that what he's done is horrible and hates himself for it, just like a cutter, or someone with bulimia. But I digress... Yes, he's in prison. Our state doesn't even let someone get bail once they're charged with sexual battery on a child. So he will be there for a long time.

Thank you for your question. Glad to be able to rationalize all of this.

It might be an illness but that doesn't mean there was no choice in the matter. Don't make excuses for him like that.

He CHOSE to molest a child. He may not have chosen to be attracted to children, but he could have got help if he really fucking wanted to. It was his choice to horrifically damage a young child for the rest of their life, regardless of illness he made a choice.

He did originally get help. As soon as he felt better he would stop. He had lots of other problems, and are a very low income family. I can't blame him for not going, I stopped too. I was taking antidepressants and going to therapy 4 times a month. It got too expensive and I couldn't go on any more.

There is a difference though. I stopped and researched my ass off on all sorts of treatments and meditation techniques to aid with m panic attacks. He read a couple of books and called it quits. He was always too proud to see his weaknesses.

'"and are a very low income family" I'm hoping that you mean we 'were'...

From the way this comment reads, you knew he had issues. Did you know he had these sorts of urges before your daughter woke up to him doing it?

Oh, I'm even more low income now than I was before.

And actually, not really after the last time he got help it's been... Maybe two years. No red flags. Kept a key logger in his PC for 8 months, never saw anything. Would have her role play with her dolls just to see of there was a hint of something. I was very paranoid, and I was actually just starting to let go of the fear that something was going to happen.

I really do not want to offend you, but I really just can't understand how you even had an inkling and ... well carried on.

You said somewhere else that you actually let him abuse/rough sex (this may not be the right word, but please don't take offence as it seems to fit) you to avoid his having urges against your daughter.

You must have really loved/been dependant on him. I am sorry that he took advantage of your patience/decisions - it must be very, very hard to bear.

Oh yeah, there where huge co dependency issues. By they broke when we first split. I haven't felt anything for him since. Unfortunately the decision to get back together was suggested by the therapist he was seeing at the time, to give him a chance to be a dad and fix his mistakes. I don't regret giving someone a chance. We're all human. We all make mistakes.

How can you get someone in a codependent but unhealthy relationship to realize his or her mistake and leave? (family issues :/ )

Oh. For me it was the impending doom of being stuck with someone I wasn't happy with for the rest of my life that snapped me out.

Unfortunately people that are codependent tend to suffer from other kinds of mental illnesses as well, whether it is depression, anxiety, panic attacks, whatever. Regular therapy might help. But you're better of searching co-dependency support groups.

Please tell us the story from the time you became aware up to now. How did you find out? How did the confrontation go down?

It didn't.

I have to give myself major props on this one. If i fucked up the last 5 years I sure as hell made it up with how I handled this. He wasn't home, worked a night shift. Babe told me when I was getting her ready to go to sleep. once she told me everything (and I fought every inch of me to not freak out) I brushed her teeth (harder than I had ever done so), read her a book, sang her a song, put her to bed, and sat down to think. I didn't want to end up without a car in the morning, or messing her night up, I mean, if anyone needed their sleep at the time, it was her. I read up the whole night on who to call, what the steps where, what the law was on that kind of offense, and then... I searched his PC, found CP, and convinced myself even more that what I was doing was right.

I calmed my nerves, thought out my plan, and slept. 4 hours I slept. I still can't believe I actually slept. I woke up about an hour and a half before he got home, got the babe up, readied her and was at the front waiting by the time he got home. Said good morning, we'll talk when I get home, and drove off to take her to daycare. On my way back, however, I called the police, who where waiting at my house by the time I got there. They knocked, he opened, they explained the situation and he went calmly. I wasn't even there, though, I was in my car atm, in hysterics. The last I saw of him was when he said good morning as he went in the house.

What were the tell tales signs. Knowing what you know now ... What are the signs to look for?

I hope your daughter is gonna be alright. Hugs for both of u.

... this is the hardest one to answer, because ideally, and really anyone that goes through this will tell you this, I never saw it coming. However that couldn't be farther from the truth.

We got together in 2005, married in 08, but I had absolutely no idea of any of his problems till, maybe 09, when our daughter was born. However they where pretty obvious once they came to light. To be truly, truly open I have to admit he was never the kind of person to open up or talk about his childhood, but his parents had a very abusive marriage so I kind of brushed that off as him blocking painful memories.

He had cheated on me before we got married, but it wasn't a big deal to me. We hadn't been with anyone besides each other, so it made sense to me, and it was very easy to brush off. That, however, threw me in the "suspicious wife" territory and I began frantically searching his FB account (well myspace ATT) and his computer whenever I had the chance... and then I found the porn... oh chesus there was so much porn. Filed, categorized... at least 10GB the first time I found it. It was all deleted, but some images bothered me. Hentai, but with little girls, well, that among the rest. He excused it by saying he would torrent whole packs of it. OK... made sense.

Then very creepy behavior started. Taking hidden pictures of women's feet... a folder of about 150 images.... And saving pictures of some of the younger girls i have added on my facebook... then the first time I found CP on his computer... My daughter was not even a year old at the time. He confessed to having a problem then. Begged me to forgive him, that he would seek help. Threatened with suicide. I gave, but not by much. We separated for about a year, and he did get help. It was only therapy, no meds, but it didn't last longer than... oh... 6 months. he did change though. He became a completely different person. Then we moved back in together. About two years passed. I put a key logger in his PC. Still, lots of porn, but nothing weird. So much time passed after that and I became fed up with finding nothing. I thought he was ok.
My daughter, thankfully, has always been very outspoken. When she became aware of something out of the ordinary she immediately told me. Doesn't really know, still, how bad it was. He testified to more when he was arrested and interrogated. It hurts so much to know what he did to her, but it feels so good knowing she only remembers one occasion (she was asleep the other times, heavy sleeper) and will most likely not remember anything, in the future.

TL:DR, there where many, but they don't happen all at once, it gradually builds up. At first you chalk it up to it just being "weird", but when its obvious... well... yeah...

It hurts so much to know what he did to her, but it feels so good knowing she only remembers one occasion (she was asleep the other times, heavy sleeper) and will most likely not remember anything, in the future.

Are you going to tell her, or have her go through therapy? I used to work at a rape crisis center, and we would often get people 30-60 years old whose lives were in a wreck because these repressed memories were just coming out. Perhaps she won't remember it, but if she does down the road, it could be a really scary and confusing situation.

She is required to by the state to go through therapy and will have it available whenever she wants it. I'm super glad for that as I probably won't be able to afford it in the coming year, at some point I hope to leave government aid and pay for it myself, but till then it will be supplied.

Victims services. Call them. The will pay for therapy and then charge it to the abuser.

I'm already waiting to be assigned to free therapists for me and her. But there's a waiting list :\

She's doing fine for now, thankfully. I have no choice but to wait

How long did it take to get him arrested, after you reported to the police?

25 minutes. 2 hours for CPS to go and take my child out of school and interrogate her, without my knowledge. However, she was ok. But that's the dance I guess...

What exactly did he do to her?

You have probably answered but I have only skimmed and couldn't find.

I haven't gone into detail, but it's really the hardest to answer.

The time she woke up, the one she told me about, he had his junk on her face as she slept. She woke up, saw it, he told her to go back to bed, and that's all. I guessed he stopped and got freaked out because that's all she said. If more had happened she would have told.

In the two month period prior to that, as confessed by him, he would feel her up while changing her, and even tried putting his kick on her butt.

He never actually hurt her however, no bruised, no forcing her, so thankfully it wast traumatic to her. It was just weird and yucky.

Hi there! First, amazing job putting the asshole in jail and getting the help your family needs. But, a cautionary note: I was molested as a child. There was no penetration at all, just a 'feeling up' moment. (That I remember. Traumatic Memory Loss makes things a little fuzzy.) But, even though at the time it was just a weird and yucky thing, I ended up developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder along with a good amount of other anxiety problems. I'm actually on anti-depressants right now that are working wonders for anxiety and OCD. But, I'd still keep an eye on her. These things are really, really hard to diagnose in kids and I certainly wouldn't medicate her while she's young, but I really wish I had gotten therapy early on because I let it go too far and it got a lot worse than I ever wished it would have.

Good luck in the future, though you sound like you have a clear head on your shoulders and won't need it. =)

Definitely. Mental disorders are genetic and as it is she's in a high risk, (my mom, his dad, me, him, etc.) Will definitely keep an eye out :)

I would suggest putting up a link to your Paypal or Amazon wish list. I've no doubt that others like me would be more than happy to give you what we can to help. The least that can be done for someone having gone through the tragedy you have, and going through the ever present difficulty of caring for your kid by yourself with little State support and a grueling job.

Thank you so much for the offer. I thought about I at first but I didn't want to make it about the money or donations, just about the openness. However if you really are willing to donate, let me know and I will PM you the PayPal info. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Have you started the divorce process?

Not yet. Can't afford a lawyer to do so, but the state is setting me up with a low cost alternative. Will be handling that this week actually.

Not sure what state you are in, my sister is a lawyer and I would bet handle the paper work for free. PM if there is need and I'll call her.

What state is she in?

I'm sorry for what you are going through and what your daughter has gone through. HUGE internet hug for both of you.

http://i.imgur.com/oOdTdwW.jpg

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oh... it was like an old wooden roller coaster at your local fair park. It started out awkward, there was a build up, but all throughout awkward, now glad to be off.

We where each other's firsts so as teens we where... well... everywhere. But as it progressed, there romance was not even there anymore. Maybe it never was, but it became so much more animalistic... Very rough from his side. It got really bad after my pregnancy and we tried anal for the first time and once i started taking anti-depressants for post-partum dep. I was avery heavy sleeper with the meds, and ... well lets say I would wake up when the party was over. That became a major turning point in our sex life, because of course I would have none of it, but found out he went right along without my consent for a while. Even when I complained from pain, and I mean teary-eyed in pain, it would always start up again. That was completely my fault though. I got tired of saying no. But knowing what I knew then I rationalized it as "well, if it's not me he does this to, then it might be her..."

TL:DR - co-dependency makes you an idiot

How is this your fault? You said no and he did so anyway. That's not just "meh", that's what they call non-cosensual sex, or flat-out rape.

It was. I hate using that word because it means accepting I let that happen to me, something I swore I'd be able to fight off if it happened. But you're right. He rapped me. There's no way around that.

Are you saying that, at the time he was giving you painful sex (idk how else to phrase this) that you considered he would have gone after your daughter if you didn't put up with it, or are you saying, that looking back, you're glad you put up with it as long as you did because if you had stopped him earlier, he might have gone after your daughter even sooner?

Yes painful sex. I thought if I'd let him do that the chances of him abusing or daughter would be less. I thought about a scenario like this happening for a while, so I tried to do what I could to avoid it.

How old is your daughter? How long did the abuse continue (as far as you know?) How has the city/town/your friends/the hospital been for providing resources for healing?

She is 4. She was aware of only one occurrence but, unfortunately, it went on for about two months. He confessed to everything when he was interrogated. Thankfully his illness hasn't clouded his morality. Remorse got the best of him.

Friends and family have been fantastic. His own family has been one of my main supporters through the ordeal. Unfortunately the state is not very well funded and are helping me with what they can. Everything is taking a lot longer than I'd like it to.

I've had some sour apples though. The association to where I live wanted to kick me out as soon as they found out someone was arrested in the premises. I pleaded with them and was given a month. It's ok though, because i can't afford the rent anyways. Thankfully its tax season or I would be couch surfing.

The association to where I live

Could you clarify what you mean by this?

Home owners association. They have their laws like only lawn furniture stored outside, no pets outside in common areas, etc etc. oh and "be assholes at all times" aparently.

My SO's brother and sister were both abused by an ex of my mother in law. My SO herself has no memory of abuse, but did have issues with physical contact in general, and sex even more so. She still gets scared when touched by strangers and is very strongly opposed to any man touching her unasked. (i.e. Will instinctively hit them).

Did you ever blame yourself for it happening? Was it difficult to not kill or hurt him, rather than having him arrested? Are you and your daughter coping at all (non_English poster, not sure if coping is best term)? How did you find out?

Aside from the questions, I wish you both all the strength in the world. I can't even begin to fathom what you've been through, but my heart goes out to you.

I'm really sorry for your family. The effects of an event like this are very different on everyone, but hopefully therapy helps in the end.

Yes. Every day. I could have ended it a lot sooner. Although when I think about it more, I really can't. I was obviously co-dependent, mainly because my immigration status was so iffy at the time, I had no idea what the repercussions of that would have on me. But that said, no it wasn't difficult to not hurt him. I have never been a very violent or angry person. I firmly believe there is no such thing as evil, only ignorance and mental illness. He's the latter. I was too. I used to cut myself. Hated myself for it, and regretted it every time, but it was so difficult to stop. He hates himself too, more than I ever could. But pity... oh there be lots of it.

She told me, more details in other questions. We have been. I don't bring it up to her, but talk about it if she does. She really only knows of once instance, although there where more, so to her it was hard to understand why her daddy was gone at first. I'll never forget the first time we talked about it....

"why is daddy not coming back" "because he did something really, really bad" "but.. daddy was going to say he was sorry"

How do I teach a kid that people make mistakes, but don't go away forever when they do? Well that's her major issue now. Every time she has any kind of accident, spills food, breaks something... well there's a lot more tears now than there ever were, and a lot more "it's my fault, i did that, mommy I'm sorry". It breaks my heart, every time.

thank you so much for the well wishes.

Can you at least tell her that it's usually ok for children to make mistakes? That it's only grown ups that make "bad mistakes"?

Obviously that's not entirely true, but it may give her some peace of mind for now.

Yup, doing that already. I remind her that it's just an accident, what she didn't mean to do it. However of she does do something on purpose I also teach her that different things have different punishments. Some will mean a time out, others mean no book at bedtime.

She's getting the hang of that but still seems terrified of making me angry, which I have to constantly remind her I am not.

No book at bedtime is the best punishment I've heard of, ever. Seriously.

Haha! I also punish her with not being able to help me clean. It started out as a joke and man does it work. When she helps me she swiffers the house and dusts everything at her eye level.

That is a heartbreaking conversation, and the trick is (in the future) not to let your daughter feel the blame for him being in jail. You'd really have to work with a child therapist to figure out how to position the explanation to her. I think part of it is differentiating between something that is "a mistake" (spilling milk) and something that is "on purpose", and if something is on purpose and really bad, and that person should have known it but did it anyway, then they can really be in trouble. That's probably how I'd do it, but a child therapist, if you have access to one, is probably the best resource.

Yeah I'm trying to at least mimicking that with her. I don't want to encourage that behavior either and become all soft every time she freaks out. If I do that she'll spoil faster than milk. I try to asses every situation individually and differentiate from accidents or purposeful events, giving her consequences that fit the bill.

I am sorry to hear about that. I really couldn't begin to imagine how you or you daughter have felt for the past month. I will just ask a couple of questions to get this going, because I am sure this type of AMA could help someone out there. Thanks for opening up.

• How long were you with him for?
• How old is/was your daughter?
• How did you find out?
• Was there anything that your husband did in the past that now may have been a warning sign?

Feel free to ignore any/all of those questions. I hope things improve for you OP. Take care and look after your daughter.

• since 05
• 4
• she mentioned he did something "yucky", I had her elaborate. It isn't difficult when she didn't even know what was going on, much less how bad it really was.
• Yes. Read my reply to that question here

Proof was submitted to the mods.

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Remarkably well. I tried my best not to traumatize her when she told me. I finished her night time routine and have tried my best to keep it since, albeit steps go missing every once in a while. I keep reminding her me and her are going to be okay, "it's just you and me mommy" she says. It's bittersweet.

What was the process with the police like? Were you interrogated? Were they understanding and compassionate towards you, suspicious, just assholes or what? Did they search your home? Anything about the whole experience that really surprised you?

It was daunting. Serious good cop/ bad cop going on. The good one was quiet, who knows, he might have been bad too, the bad one though sounded like he was on cocaine. Kept calling him an asshole, telling asking me if he would resist arrest, and not to worry if he did because he would tear him a new one. Then, after taking my testimony, he proceeded to try to convert me to any religion (I'm an atheist), it was somewhat comical and helped distract me from the mater at hand.

And yes, that first week was crazy; investigations left and right, and after he confessed, rush trips to a forensic examiner to have my daughter checked for "damages". Little girl is a trooper though.

Didn't search the home, thankfully as I toke on occasion to help with my panic attacks, but definitely took his computer as I also found CP.

The most surprising thing has been the lack of state funds for victims help. No therapy sessions yet because the waiting list is saturated, cash aid for only the next month because there is no more money to give. Thankfully I have my tax refund pending or I wouldn't be able to move out.

tried to... CONVERT you? can you elaborate?

Kept telling me I had to believe in something or I would never get over it. Anything, he said

"Believe in something" doesn't have to be a religion. The word belief isn't exclusive to religion.

Correct, my fault for not elaborating.

He told me I have to believe in something, Christian god, Jewish god, "Muslims, hopefully you don't, they're kind of crazy, but any deity will do" said he.

Oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that. As a former abuse victim, I can't say how much it means to your daughter that you're on her side. It might not matter much now, but when she's older it'll make such a difference. My mother abused me, and both parents beat me too - I told teachers, cops, relatives - no-one believed me, or they just stood by and did nothing. It's one of the main reasons i'm no longer in contact with them.

I hope you're both doing well though. How do you plan to move on from this? Do you think you can trust another man to be around her now? I can easily see that being an issue. :<

I honestly don't ever see me trusting her to another adult. I say adult because I won't make the mistake of trusting someone more because their genitals are different. I suffer from my own mental illness, depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, and I don't know if I can get past those permanently or long enough to let me have a meaningful relationship with someone.

Thanks for sharing your story. How tight we're you with your husband? Best friends kind of marriage, or was it an arranged marriage where you two didn't know each other much?

Thanks for the question.

We where high school sweethearts. He was my first (official) boyfriend, I wasn't his, but we where the first people we slept with. We where pretty close, but at this time, not in love (at least not from my part). He helped me through my depression when I was in HS and married me when I was about to be deported, although back then marriage wasn't even an 'if'. We hit some trouble right before the wedding when I found out he had cheated on me, and then again about 2 years into the marriage. We had gotten back together a couple of years back. He was getting therapy for sex addiction.

Thanks. I hope you and your daughter will heal

She most definitely will.

Really amazing job on your part. That had to be incredibly hard. There are tons of women who know what is going on but don't stop it in any real sense because of the kind of co-dependency issues you said you struggle with. I knew one lady who just put a lock on her daughters' door and called it a day. Obviously, that did not solve the problem. So, really strong and brave about it especially in such a precarious position with citizenship.

My question is: have you made any decisions about how you are going to deal with this in the future? I saw you said you do not bring it up but when she asks questions, you answer. Is that the game plan? And in the unlikely event she doesn't ask questions, would you bring it up to her?

Do you want to get her in therapy about it now or think that would be counter-productive for this age/at this point in time? Maybe later, or only if she starts showing some symptoms of sexual abuse?

Again, from whatever it means from internet stranger, I am so proud (hate that word, but it is what comes to mind) of you for handling it like you did, and not alarming her in the middle of the night and making her deal with the additional trauma of fighting and the arrest.

Really amazing job on your part. That had to be incredibly hard. There are tons of women who know what is going on but don't stop it in any real sense because of the kind of co-dependency issues you said you struggle with. I knew one lady who just put a lock on her daughters' door and called it a day. Obviously, that did not solve the problem. So, really strong and brave about it especially in such a precarious position with citizenship.

Thank you!

My question is: have you made any decisions about how you are going to deal with this in the future? I saw you said you do not bring it up but when she asks questions, you answer. Is that the game plan? And in the unlikely event she doesn't ask questions, would you bring it up to her? Do you want to get her in therapy about it now or think that would be counter-productive for this age/at this point in time? Maybe later, or only if she starts showing some symptoms of sexual abuse?

That's the plan laid out to me by the forensic examiner (not talking unless she mentions it), as we have yet to be assigned a therapist by the state (our state does this). Since she is 4 she is actually required to see one, although for only 6 months. If any problems develop later on as a result she can go back free of charge (yay!). I won't be able to avoid it, however. I will have to tell her at some point. I will be as honest as she wants me to be when that point comes.

Again, from whatever it means from internet stranger, I am so proud (hate that word, but it is what comes to mind) of you for handling it like you did, and not alarming her in the middle of the night and making her deal with the additional trauma of fighting and the arrest.

That was truly the hardest part. On my headstone I will have a screen with a permanent gif loop of glasses going over my eyes and the caption "dealt with it"

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No. I hope he follows through his treatment. I've actually tried getting in contact with a medical state association for the treatment of sexual disorders to see if theres any studies he can take part of. I want to help him, not for his sake though, but so this sort of thing doesn't happen again and so it can be properly treated for others as well.

Me, I need my time to heal. I have my own demons to power through. I wouldn't be able to do that with his presence. He was very good at shutting my reasoning down. Very good at making me feel dumb, or like I was just being paranoid. I learned my lesson.

I know it might not matter much coming from an internet stranger, but I am so proud of you for not putting up with anything more from him. I'm glad to hear that you reported him immediately, and I'm even happier to hear that you're not getting back with him.
I've heard too many horror stories of mothers defending their boyfriends and husbands who molest or rape their daughters.
In fact, my own mother tells people all the time that when her mom was suspicious of her now-ex boyfriend, she told her, "If you see Jim molesting AsLongAsItsFree, don't tell me. I'll know you're making it up."
No one ever molested me, thank God. But I know that if he or any other of her boyfriends ever did, I'd be shit out of luck.
Stay strong! You can do it; you're a tough lady, and I know your daughter is in good hands. I wish you and your little girl all the best from behind my keyboard! <3

Thank you so much. It bothers me to see people saying I'm justifying him or defending him. I'm not. If I was I would have confronted him and given him a chance to explain himself. Homey don't play. You crossed a line, a line with my child, and for that you get jail time. Simple as that. I called the cops because I knew it was the right thing to do. After that he's at the mercy of the legal system.

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Thank you, no harm done. I know, I get that a lot. Actually it's been quite stressful. I cry at random times, I can't sleep well some days (like today), but I've honestly never found it in my heart to hate anyone. I am far too empathetic to do so, and always place myself in people's shoes. I am waiting for a therapist actually, but thank you for your concern. It's very much appreciated.

There's only one treatment that actually works for sex offenders - castration. It sounds brutal, but it's very, very effective. There have been pedophiles that willingly get chemically castrated to control their urges.

The sad truth is a huge majority of these people re-offend.

Yup I read about that. Chemical castration, however seems to work best on individuals that accept Te treatment, and I'm really pushing the limits I the word best because even with treatment (or the current treatment available, should I say) the rate of elapse is relatively high.

Where is he now?

jail.

Are you okay?

Better than ever. Got so much opportunities ahead of me now. I feel free.

I really want you to know you're a damn good mother, the way you're handling this is admirable. Many people would crumble as the thought of dealing with what yourself and your daughter have gone through. That little girl is so lucky to have you as her mommy. It truly broke my heart reading this. I wish yourself and your daughter all the best for the future and I hope some way, her ordeal finds a way out of her mind so she can grow up and become a strong woman like her mother.

I do have one question, how do you plan on answering the questions she may have for you in her teens? Or are you going to deal with that hurdle when it arises?

Stay strong!

Thank you so much for your encouragement. Those words mean a lot, believe it or not. It helps to have my ego boosted, even if a little. Depression claims it's grip on me again every once in a while, and I need all the help i can.

I will deal with it when it arises. I will definitely be assessing her level of maturity before I let her know. I honestly can't say "i'll tell you when you're 16" or "18", because I won't know. I won't skirt the issue, though. My mother made the mistake of making her past seem as beautiful to me as possible. It made it very hard to approach her for help whenever I needed it.

It makes my skin crawl to see that there's currently another person doing an AMA (Warren Farrell) who says that incest is 'not a real problem' and that the only trauma is that which is created by third parties like CPS and divorce lawyers who manipulate the child's emotions for their own nefarious agendas.

Oh shit. Well, that couldn't be father from the truth. Even if biologically no harm was done there's so much damage to a person's understanding of proper boundaries it's bound to have an impact in their day to day life.

You may have already answered this, but do you think he's sexually abused anyone else?

Maybe. There was someone but it was very, very, long ago. He might not even remember. He didn't testify to that though. He was, however abused as a child and that fact has only now come to light.

Since you said your immigration status was iffy, what is your home country?

Chile

I have read most everything in this AMA. I was involved in something like this. A friend went through something similar years ago. I have to know2 things.

1) did he want you to or force you to shave your pubic hair?

2) why are you a racist dragon?

All the best to you and yours!

1) yes, didn't know why at first and thanks to you I've made the connection. Fuuuuuck that.

2) flight of the conchords.

I applaud you for doing this AMA, I can't even start to imagine how devastating it'd be for yourself and your daughter. I was wondering, even though it may seem insensitive, if he 'got better' would you grant him to still be a part of your daughters life? (In any way you wish) Personally I believe that there should be absolutely no forgiveness in this situation, though reading through your answers, you sound very logical and intelligent. Once again, I hope it gets better for you and your little one.

I answered that somewhere but short answer is no. I wouldn't. I'd probably keep a diary of our progress and have it sent to him after he's out, just to give him some sort of closure, but if there's one thing I'm legally pursuing to the fullest is for him to sign over custody rights and for the restraining order to remain permanent.

Why would you ever think this is a good idea?

You do a good job living up to your name.

How did you find out about it?

she told me. Details in other answers.

Do you have family that can look after you and your daughter while you get back on your feet?

Yup. Good family. Some, but good family.

how many years did he get?

too early to tell. There's not even a trial date set yet.

How is your daughter coping with this? Is she seeing someone to help her understand it wasn't her fault? How you are dealing with this? Very sorry that your going through this, Keep your head up.

It's been tough. She's much better than I am. I actually was hospitalized the weekend after it happened. Too much stress. I wasn't eating, couldn't keep fluids down. I was dehydrated and feverish. It was hell. Depression symptoms come and go but it helps knowing what is going on. I do lots of breathing exercises.

Please tell me you have no plans to ever let him back in your life?

Read the other answers. Flat out no. :)

I would like ask how old you're daughter was at the time the molestation started to the point of its end? How did you come across figuring out that she was being molested? Now that this has happened to you, will you ever trust another man and risk falling in love again? I know this question may sound weird, but did actually force himself on your daughter, or was it coercion into sexual acts, or was it even slightly possible the relationship had no fighting back and was brought about through ignorant consensual relationships(I am unaware of your childs age so I asked a series of questions)? After dealing with your husband do you have any advice on how to spot or figure out the signs that we don't want to believe are happening to our children? When your husband says he is sorry, do you believe him? Do you still love your husband and would you ever in the slightest chance forgive him? We all know this was not your daughters fault, however do you look at her any differently after this has happened? In contempt or disgust that she was part of the reason you lost your husband? Those are my questions, I want to apologize for them being personal and might seeming uncaring, however if you are able to answer any of them please do so. I thank you for your time.

I would like ask how old you're daughter was at the time the molestation started to the point of its end? How did you come across figuring out that she was being molested? Now that this has happened to you, will you ever trust another man and risk falling in love again? I know this question may sound weird, but did actually force himself on your daughter, or was it coercion into sexual acts, or was it even slightly possible the relationship had no fighting back and was brought about through ignorant consensual relationships(I am unaware of your childs age so I asked a series of questions)?

I answered most of these questions in other replies, but to make a long story short she is only 4, and this started 2 months ago. No forcing or coercing. She was never injured.

After dealing with your husband do you have any advice on how to spot or figure out the signs that we don't want to believe are happening to our children? When your husband says he is sorry, do you believe him? Do you still love your husband and would you ever in the slightest chance forgive him?

Great questions. First, be very open about talking things out with your kid. It's not something that will happen out of the blue, you have to do it for everything, not just the bad times. Doing so will encourage open communications. Watch your child's actions in playtime, the younger they are the easier it is to tell from their role playing games. Don't be afraid to play detective.
I do believe he's sorry, but I haven't loved him as a partner in a long time. I forgave him already. I just hope he takes care of himself, but I would never be able to see him again.

We all know this was not your daughters fault, however do you look at her any differently after this has happened? In contempt or disgust that she was part of the reason you lost your husband?

No, that would be a ridiculous sentiment. He is sick, she had nothing to do with it.

Those are my questions, I want to apologize for them being personal and might seeming uncaring, however if you are able to answer any of them please do so. I thank you for your time.

No problem.

Are you trying to find another husband?

LOL taking applications?

But honestly, no time soon. I need time to heal

What has been the hardest part of this whole ordeal? For you and your daughter?

Finding out who to watch her on the weekends I work and after her daycare closes. I work 12hr shifts so I've had to resort to taking my breaks late, picking her up, and taking her to work with me. Thankfully she's calm at my job.

How do you think your daughter is going to handel this once she becomes older? Kids going through what she has gone through have higher chances of depression, use of drugs ect how are you going to handel that, is she getting therapy or is she to young?

Statistics say she will be promiscuous, have a much higher chance of drug use, most likely to drop out, and very much likely of developing some sort of mental disorder.

My view? I would love to stop thinking about how fucked up her future could be. I am trying my hardest to focus on how to maximize the quality of her present. Maybe it will help, maybe it wont, but there's no use worrying about the future if it doesn't let me enjoy the present.

Fuck the statistics, I'd wager those cases are primarily the kids who never got help, or where both parents were complicit in the abuse -- the ones where the kids just start feeling hopeless and unheard and alone and begin to self-medicate. Your kid is getting the support she needs before this has a chance to fester. You are doing all the right things.

Well, those statistics are also of defined cases. 11 years is a long time and help can progress for me and her before she's 15, well, before she's a teen. Chances are her outlook will be much more positive. Thank you :)

Obviously you might have trust issues in the future. Do you plan to have any future contact with your husband outside of court/legal issues? Do you have anything that you would like to say to others who may have been in ta similar situation? Also, does your daughter ever bring it up still or does it seem to be something that she is handling alright since she isn't really old enough to understad? How is she handling her father being away- Does she ask about him?

If any of these questions are too much feel free to just move past them. I'm sorry this happened to you and also your daughter. I hope you both heal well and are able to move passed this.

Obviously you might have trust issues in the future. Do you plan to have any future contact with your husband outside of court/legal issues?

Can't even if i wanted to. Automatic restraining order as a result of the allegations. But no, I wouldn't I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety as it is, and tbh I don't think I'll ever trust any other adult near her. I know that's what I say now though. It might change, but if nothing happens before she hits puberty, I doubt it.

Do you have anything that you would like to say to others who may have been in ta similar situation?

Don't think about how scary it will be after. How tough it will be to move on, think about how much you'll hate yourself down the road for beeing too much of a chicken not to call the cops. Your true friends will shine after this, and there is help. There's always help, as long as you're willing to accept your fate. A lot of my help has come through from friends who would have otherwise never found out if i wasn't open about what happened. TALKING HELPS.

Also, does your daughter ever bring it up still or does it seem to be something that she is handling alright since she isn't really old enough to understad? How is she handling her father being away- Does she ask about him?

The couple of times she's brought it up it goes like this: "I miss daddy" , "i know baby, but daddy did something very bad. He's not coming back. It's okay though, we'll be fine", "Oh! when he -------------?", "yes baby, that was very bad. No one can do that to you, and you need to tell momy if anyone else does something yucky like that. Do you want to ________" and then I fill in the blank with a diversion, like watching a movie or playing, or drawing, etc. She drops the subject then. Hasn't brought it up in a week.

If any of these questions are too much feel free to just move past them. I'm sorry this happened to you and also your daughter. I hope you both heal well and are able to move passed this.

I'm just sorry my answers take so long! Thanks for asking and thanks for helping me cope.

I can only imagine how many more questions you will have on here by tomorrow! I have to say that you are handling this extremely well. Parenting is hard, (I have two boys) and keeping calm about everything is going to make it so much Easier [for lack of a better word] on her. Keep doing what you're doing and I think that you and her will be just fine.

thanks. I know. I'm about to call it quits. This has been most therapeutic for me. I'm starting to finally feel sleepy.

you've said things about worrying he would abuse your daughter, when did those worries start? have you always known he had issues with pedophilia or was it just after she was born? if you knew about them before you had your daughter why'd you stay with him? also what exactly made you worry about it?

I only found out after she was born, that when the fears started. I stayed with him because it was suggested by me by one of his therapists. To give him a chance and to give her a chance to grow up with her father, her biological father. I wouldn't have stayed with him otherwise, but I can't think that it was about idea either, he would've hurt somebody else who might not have been strong enough to say something

This reminds me of that comic on child molestation... Thanks for not taking the role of the mom in denial.

My mom was that mom. I will never be that mom.

Do you love him?

I did. Haven't in about... 3 years though. I cared for him. I loved him as you would another human being, or a troubled brother... or a son. I want the best for him, and shit, it sucks he fucked up so bad, but I hope he gets the help he needs. I don't ever want to see him again though, for my sanity at least

I applaud you on being calm and rational. I prob would have just painted the wall with his skull. Wrong answer I know but if in your current situation I would deff tell the judge That justice needs to be done Meth heads are getting 99 years what is my 4 year old daughters innocence worth? There was two sisters on here earlier their dad had raped them at a young age for many years. he got 10 years. total bullshit

I don't know if the time it took for them to testify made a difference, which is what I hope to help others with. If anything like this happens, as soon as the law has been broken, please call for help.

For this state is min 25 years for every count of child molestation, he has 2, and i don't know how many for each CP vid/image in his computer. He might never be out.

Unfortunately some scumbag lawyer will plea bargain his time down some. happens all the time. Meth head who wants to harm no one but just get high gets 99 and psychopath gets a few years. Fucked up judicial system.

That might be the case, but since he confessed I could honestly have his head on a plate if I wanted it.

However I'm not the kind. As long as the restraining orders stand, he is treated/receives help permanently, and willfully signs over custody of my daughter (there's always a chance he'll fight it), I will not push for a longer sentence than the minimum. I am actually hoping he can be part of a medical study to find treatment for people like him, so it doesn't happen again.

But why not have him killed and collect life insurance, put that towards your daughter's future?

Because its wrong? Murder isn't exactly a step up from pedophilia

I was in prison for 5 1/2 years, and there were MANY Sex offenders in there, across the spectrum of race, the vast percentage of the guys refused any culpability in owning their crime which will in effect,keep them there longer. They are not treated well and depending on the state, are segregated for their own safety. Really though , do not concern yourself with him, he has a long way to go to reconcile his harming your child, your concern should solely rest in healing her and ensuring her good mental health. E is in for the worst time of his life, so's are routinely beaten, and. Are a target for rape above every other inmate there. On a different note, rapists and molesters comprise better than 80% of the men who go to church so, at least here in Washington state, you tend not to go (if you believe in that shit) because you are labeled as such. I hope you and your daughter heal and stress to her, THIs WAS NOT HER FAULT.

No it wasn't an it wasn't mine either. Thanks for the info. I know about that stuff. Thankfully, for him at least, his willingness to confess and his visible remorse had him isolated and placed in a separate section to protect him from other inmates. He was also on suicide watch for a while but is dealing a lot better with his outlook on the matter.

I honestly thought about it though. If I killed him it would have been seen as a crime of passion... And if I confronted him and threatened to jail him forever he would have probably killed himself right there. Heck I would have been better off because i would have been able to collect his life insurance policy! But that's not right. It's completely agains my moral code to injure anyone like that. He broke the law, and the law will deal with him.

How does your daughter feel about this? I ask because my best friends mom was sexually abused as a child by her father. She said that she realised what he was doing was wrong, but just couldn't bring herself to tell anyone because she still loved her dad. I know it sounds weird, but she grew up never telling a soul because she was trying to protect her father. Does your daughter feel guilty at all or does she miss her dad?

Oh, she's far too young to show any kind of reaction to the actual act.

Why would you post about this on the Internet? People amaze me...

Your point of view is the same exact reason why so many people have difficulties coming forward with their own experiences of abuse.

Did the molestation occur in a marmalade forest, between the make-believe trees? In a cottage-cheese cottage?

My first tears where jelly beans

LOL!

But in all seriousness, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation...

I know. Jokes are a good way to cope. I don't know who down voted you, you're one of the few Who understood the name reference.

How did you bring yourself to have a child with someone looking at CP who had a history of abusive sex?

Why did I get down voted? Is marrying folks who look a that stuff more common than I expected? I know most people wouldn't allow their kids anywhere near someone looking at that stuff, so I would expect having a child with someone looking it up would be even more difficult. There must've been some kind of rationalization, and I'm curious about what it was.

You're being down voted because you haven't read my answers. The first time I found CP in his computer my daughter was already 8 mo old. Had I known earlier we would have never stayed together.

Also, she was the result of a failed condom, not planned.