I’m Deborah Carr, sociologist, researcher, and author. Ask me anything about how people can thrive in the face of adversities– including the ongoing pandemic, grief, stress, social isolation, burnout and more.

Hi, Deborah, this may be a somewhat unconventional enquiry.

The idea that social media can have deleterious effects on a person's mental well-being has been well documented, particularly in the context of concepts like perceived self-worth. Lately, however, I've personally been interested in examining how low-effort content – media that's very easy to both produce and consume – can be negatively impactful in its own way. It led me to coin the term "the Ennui Engine," as the whole situation essentially sees people depressing themselves, then attempting to mitigate that effect by returning to the sources of their distress.

Following from that, my questions are as follows:

What specific steps can we take to ensure that our online leisure time actually relaxes or recharges us?

How can we remain cognizant of the effects that our virtual activities have on ourselves and each other?

I love the term 'ennui engine.' Rates of low-effort social media consumption are very high, especially during the past two years when levels of face to face visits have been low. When we lack the energy or initiative to work, read, exercise, engage in real-time conversation, it's very easy to just keep refreshing FB or Twitter (or whatever social media platform one uses), and seeing content that can be troubling. We know that social media makes people engage in unhealthy social comparisons, feeling that we're less popular/successful/ attractive than others -- even though the images we see are carefully curated and not an accurate depiction of reality.

My advice is to be very mindful and purposeful about social media. Use it sparingly. Go in with a purpose -- either to learn (by reading interesting articles), or seeking out mood-uplifting prompts (my personal go-to... puppy videos), or by strengthening ties by engaging with friend and family posts. But just mindless clicking and scrolling seldom provides us relaxation or emotion uplift.

People can also do an emotional 'check-in'. Ask yourself: how do I feel after 10 minutes on Twitter? Think about how this feeling differs from 10 minutes of exercise, or 10 minutes chatting on the phone with an old friend. Being pro-active and taking charge of how one uses leisure time can make a world of difference in our mood.

Hello Professor Carr, thank you for holding an AMA.

Given last night's news about the invasion of Ukraine, and given your research on the effects of the pandemic, do you have any advice for how people can stay informed about this or other tragic news in a healthy and responsible way?

The invasion of Ukraine, and many other events facing the world right now, are very distressing. It is important to stay informed, even if it causes us stress and pain. One way to cope is to talk with loved ones and even one's children about what's happening, to try to understand and make sense. Reading background information can help us to put things in perspective. Another thing we can do to feel less helpless during difficult times is to try to 'give back,' to the extent our time and budgets allow. Contributing to medical relief organizations or volunteering with older adults who may be wary of leaving their homes due to COVID, for instance, can give us a sense of meaning and purpose. Also, reaching out to friends who are highly affected, like friends who have family in Ukraine, and just letting them know you're thinking of them can be a healthy and responsible response.

How do you approach helping others with grieving, when it’s a parent? What about when it’s a spouse?

One of the most important things we can do is to let them know that we're here to listen, and offer support in ways that they want. Offering unsolicited advice, saying things like "it was G-d's will...", saying "I know how you feel...." when you haven't experienced similar loss are counterproductive. However, letting them share stories of their loved one (even if you've heard the stories before), letting them talk about the day of the death - what happened, where, when, etc - sometimes can help them try to make sense of the loss.

Other things that you might do are to send a card or even flowers on the anniversary of the death, just to let them know you're thinking about them. Donate to a charity that was meaningful to the deceased person. Reaching out on relevant holidays (e.g. Mother's Day or Father's Day) to see how they're doing will be an appreciated gesture.

Also, keep them engaged socially. Sometimes, we stop inviting our bereaved friends out for dinner, etc. We're afraid to reach out because we think they're too vulnerable. But that just contributes to their loneliness. Invite them for dinner, or for a holiday party. If they're not up for it, they'll say so. But that social integration can be essential to their well-being as they move forward.

Hi Dr Carr! My question is about resilience. I grew up with, shall we say, a fairly high ACE score (Adverse Childhood Experiences for those new to it), so I've got some inbuilt history with trama and instability, and the pandemic triggered a lot of that for me as for so many others, as it's affected my career, my physical health and my marriage all very profoundly and negatively. I feel once again painfully aware of my lack of resilience and how it's compounded those effects. But most of what I've read seems to treat resilience as a skill we either gain in childhood, or not at all. Do you have any advice for how to gain resilience as an adult?

Thank you so much for your work and for this AMA!

I'm guessing you are much more resilient than you believe! To have come through a difficult childhood, and to go on to have a productive life as a worker and spouse means that you are indeed resilient.

However, it sounds like the pandemic opened old wounds and created new struggles. That's to be expected. Our lives can be moving along swimmingly, but then a new trauma forces us to relive our past. If we become depressed, it's hard to stay focused at work, or to be a supportive spouse.

One way to fortify one's resilience is to recognize that we become more efficacious at problem solving every time we clear a new hurdle. So, try asking yourself 'what have I learned from my past?' when encountering a new struggle, or "what am I most proud of,' when thinking about how you've managed past struggles. The answers to those questions can provide you a roadmap for moving forward. Every new challenge that we face (and address) gives us even more skill and a greater sense of competence as we move forward.

Another approach is to think about two different ways of coping with stress and adversity. One approach is 'problem-focused coping,' in which we change the situation that is causing us grief, whether a lousy job, or a strained marriage. But sometimes we simply cannot change our situation. In those cases, we can manage our emotional reactions to the situation. We can seek social support. We can focus our energies on positive and uplifting experiences, and ignore (to the extent possible) those people and things getting on our nerves.

However, if you feel the obstacles are too much -- that your marriage, career, and health have all gotten to a point that they are causing you misery only, then it may be helpful to talk to a professional, even via telemedicine. Good luck!

I know the chances of you seeing this question are slim, but I've really been struggling with this feeling. Sorry I couldn't figure out an apolitical way to explain it. I respect others may feel differently, but I will not be replying to anyone looking to debate my positions. I just don't have the energy.

Anyway--

I am overwhelmed by how terrible the world (in my case, the US) seems to be, fundamentally--in contrast to how obviously wonderful it could be. What humans have done with technology and culture is mind-blowing.

But I feel like everything good is being swallowed up by a few powerful, selfish people with no concern for anything that actually matters.

I have previously found comfort in the general trend humanity has toward disenfranchised groups fighting for and incrementally being shown respect (not enough! but the right direction), and increased awareness of issues like climate change. I do believe most people want to do good (whatever that is to them) and would choose compassion if they were informed. But I don't believe most of the people who have power are sufficiently compassionate, or even have the perspective to understand the people over whom they rule. And I'm afraid of how quickly they are amassing and solidifying that power--I'm afraid of them controlling the media. I'm afraid that they will become, or already are, impossible to defy. I'm afraid that we might ruin the planet faster than we can fix it. I can't accept that so much suffering is caused by chasing status and money--propping up egos--I can't understand these priorities.

I want to have hope, but logically I find it very difficult. Everything feels so, so broken.

I talk about these feelings with people. I talk about how sexism affects me. I listen to and believe the experiences of people who aren't like me. I vote. I try to stay informed. But I'm so tired and sad and angry.

Would it be wiser to ignore these feelings since I can't do anything about them? Is there some way to find contentment with just doing my best according to my values since I can only control myself? Is contentment overrated, and being upset is fine since the situation is upsetting?

Honestly I'm scared to share my feelings publicly like this, but I don't know how to deal with them.

I'm so sorry to hear of your anguish. These feelings of despondency are widespread, unfortunately. Rates of sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness have steadily climbed over the past few years -- and for good reason. We witness on a daily basis tragedy, oppression, and injustice. It's hard to be content with a world in which we witness cruelty and callousness, and it's even harder when these injustices directly affect us, our families, or communities. Existential angst is real -- philosophers and psychologists have written about this for more than a century.

What to do about it? I think you're right in focusing on your values, and doing good for those people in your lives. There are small ways we can fight sexism (and all the other isms), by helping to mentor a younger person, joining an organization that helps to fight against these things, volunteering, writing targeted letters to policy makers, or engaging in other protests for social change -- they may be small steps, but small steps add up.

The other approach is to manage our emotional responses to the world. Recognize that our upset comes from a place of empathy - which is a good thing! Remember that history is cyclical; there have been bleak and even horrific periods in modern history, but people and societies manage to move forward. Hopefully with lessons of how we can collectively do better.

And, when you do have good days -- happy productive days - please don't feel guilty about those happy moments. It doesn't mean that you're ignoring reality; it just means that you're figuring out a way to NOT let your daily well-being be wholly controlled by distressing events. Depression saps us from being good friends, family members, and contributing members of society -- so managing our sadness can be seen as 'doing good' for others. Still, depression can be devastating, so if you feel you're struggling to get out of bed each day, and just can't get going, then you may want to find professional support.

Good luck!

Hi Deborah,

Thank you for doing this AMA! I was wondering how you have personally cared for your own mental health during the last two years of the pandemic. Are there certain things that have helped you?

A good question! I should start with the caveat that my experience during the pandemic was nowhere near as bad as it was for many others. Neither I nor any close family members got sick, and I didn't juggle homeschooling and work, as many of my colleagues have. I am fortunate to have a steady job and did not experience financial woes.

One big thing that helped me was volunteering. During the pandemic (or any crisis), we all felt so helpless, and had lost control over things. By volunteering (at nursing homes at first, and then later at vaccine and testing sites) I felt I was doing my tiny part to help.

The other is basic self-care. During the pandemic, my job was very busy and I spent easily 12+ hours a day in front of the computer. So remembering to exercise, eat three square meals, sleep, etc. helped. I also had regular Zoom meetings with my family spread throughout the US, so that connectedness helped.

The other was just learning to embrace uncertainty. I realized that neither I (nor anyone else!) could predict whether the pandemic would go on for weeks, months or years. So, recognizing that we just couldn't make plans was an important turning point.

Finally, I tried to regularly recognize the many things I had to be grateful for. My beloved housemates (Sam the dentist/pandemic baker and Brisket the beagle!) were a source of constant comfort, laughs, and fun meals, even when the world outside our home seemed dire and hopeless. Playing music, board games, hikes & bike rides, and comfort TV (I recommend All Creatures Great & Small…) provided low-stress enjoyment.

The final thing was just to give myself (and others) a break. We were going to make mistakes, be cranky, wear the same clothes for days on end.. .and that's OK. Our nation went through collective trauma, so we just need to show ourselves and others some grace.

My close friend has a PhD in English and will probably never have more than adjunct positions. What do you recommend for accepting the death of a hoped-for career? I’m not even sure how to describe it. They have applied for many alt-ac positions and had to give one up for demographic reasons.

As a fellow academic, I understand your friend's situation all too well. As colleges and universities rely increasingly on low-paid adjuncts, the number of tenure-track positions is getting more scarce. It is so hard to see brilliant young scholars give up their dreams of an academic career, against the backdrop of this lean job market.

There are definitely ways forward. The alt-ac track is one. There are so many interesting careers out there, and so many ways to use one's skills as an educator and writer, even off of the tenure-track. I would suggest she reach out to her graduate school mentors and classmates to learn about possible career leads. Teaching English in other ways - whether ESL programs, public high schools, etc. is a valuable contribution to the world. Many employers across a range of industries would benefit from having good writers/editors on staff.

Still, these practical solutions may provide little solace for the deeper emotional struggles of having to give up one's dream and scholarly identity. I think you can help her figure out ways to keep in her life the things she loved best about academic life -- reading, discussing ideas, nurturing younger people. And, remind her the grass is always greener. A tenure-track job is not a guaranteed path to happiness -- far from it. Even academics with the best possible jobs don't feel they're measuring up, and the road to tenure can be brutal. Finally, work is just one part of our identity. Helping her to nurture those other parts of her identity that got placed on the backburner in grad school could be productive. Good luck!

How can you thrive while going through anticipatory grief? I have never felt this sad or hopless as I do watching my dad die.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's illness. It is distressing to watch a loved one suffer. This is especially hard if they have dementia and are not able to communicate as you have in the past. It is important to reach out for social support -- whether from friends or family, or people who have family members suffering from the same illness as your dad, or even supports and services provided by hospice and other professionals. It is also important to recognize that you are doing the best you can to keep him comfortable, and when he does ultimately die, the transition may take him out of whatever physical pain or mental anguish he is now suffering. I hope this helps - please take good care of yourself, and know that your dad no doubt appreciates all you're doing for him.

About a month ago I had to have my husky puppy put down on her first birthday because she developed neurological aggression.

Do you have any advice on processing the grief from de-facto/forced death of a pet ?

I'm so sorry for your loss. The grief from the loss of a pet can be profound. Our pets feel like 'children' and they are wholly dependent on us for their well-being. Their pains are our pains.

Death is traumatic, but suffering on a daily basis also is traumatic. It sounds like you made the best decision you could, with the information you had at the time. Your feelings of grief might be compounded when well-meaning friends add to your feelings of guilt by questioning your decision to euthanize. The most important thing to think about, as you process your grief, is the recognition that you chose to euthanize your pet in a peaceful manner, whereas her life might have been filled with pain, violence, and trauma. That form of suffering might have been far worse. Please take good care of yourself, and remember that you acted out of love and compassion for your dear pup.

A close friend's son died 7 months ago in an accident. She and her husband are in therapy and learning how to live with this devastating loss. What are some of the most helpful ways I can support her & her husband from across the country?

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. The death of a child is one of the most devastating experiences one can live through, and parents often blame themselves -- even if there's nothing they could have done to prevent the death.

One of the most important things we can do is to let our grieving friends know that we're here to listen, and offer support in ways that they want. Offering unsolicited advice, saying things like "it was G-d's will...", saying "I know how you feel...." when you haven't experienced similar loss are counterproductive. However, letting them share stories of their son (even if you've heard the stories before), letting them talk about the day of the death - what happened, where, when, etc - sometimes can help them try to make sense of the loss.

Other things that you might do are to send a card or even flowers on the anniversary of their child's death (or his birthday), just to let them know you're thinking about them. Donate to a charity that was meaningful to them or their son. Reach out on relevant holidays (e.g. Mother's Day or Father's Day) to see how they're doing will be an appreciated gesture.

Also, keep them engaged socially. Sometimes, we're afraid to reach out because we think they're too vulnerable. But that just contributes to their loneliness. Invite them for a virtual dinner together. If they're not up for it, they'll say so. But that social integration can be essential to their well-being as they move forward.

Hi Professor and thank you very much for doing this AMA. In my circle of friends and acquaintances I observe this special reaction to the pandemic: many seem to reinvent themselves in sense of trying to do things they always wanted to, but never did. Some of my friends went back to university, some went in to Arts, some broke up with their SO and so on. Is there a scientific term for this phenomenon?

Thanks for joining in. I don't know if there's an exact scientific term, but there is a concept called 'post-traumatic growth,' whereby after experiencing a trauma (like a pandemic or illness) people gain new perspective and clarity in life, and may develop new skills and goals.

Oftentimes, we are complacent in life and just roll along as we're expected. But something like a pandemic, that came along unexpectedly and altered our lives in untold ways, may serve as a wake-up call for those people who were displeased with their earlier choices. Also, the recognition that time is finite and life can be fleeting may make some people take greater risks and jump into new careers. When we start to think about our own mortality, it often triggers questions like "do I want to spend the rest of my life with my current spouse?" or "do I want to work in this job I hate forever...?" Sometimes trauma and stress embolden us to take risks we wouldn't have taken otherwise.

So many older adults live alone and some are socially isolated. Does Medicare provide in home mental health visits? Do these people need it?

Medicare does cover mental health services for older adults, largely on an outpatient basis. Medicare has much more limited coverage for home-based care. The rules are very complex, but there are ways that home-bound persons can seek mental health care under Medicare coverage. Telemedicine (including sessions with psychologists or psychiatrists) for those who have computer access can be helpful. Geriatric social workers also may do home visits. Sometimes isolated older adults don't need mental health treatment, per se, but social engagement. Meals on Wheels is a good example of a service provider that is wonderful for older adults. Their main charge is to bring meals, but those visits from the food-deliverers can brighten someone's day, because of the conversations it brings, and the sense of predictable routine. Routine or scheduled activities can be very important for giving structure and purpose to older adults' days. There are also community organizations (check with your own community's senior services organization) that match young people with older people for phone check-ins. For most older adults, the main need isn't clinical care for mental health symptoms, but rather, social support, activity, and routines. (However, clinical care and Medicare-supported services are available for those managing an acute illness or injury).

Appreciate you clarifying it’s not necessarily mental healthcare but social engagement that’s needed.

Cultural lag in this context means most seniors are not utilizing online social media; they aren’t up to speed with the technology. Is there any research exploring if social media can fulfill the social engagement needs of live-alone seniors? Do you think any particular app is senior friendly?

Older adults had much lower rates of internet use and low levels of comfort with the internet pre-pandemic yet have seen great increases in both -- due in part to major volunteer and social service efforts to bring them 'online' during the pandemic. (Pew has good data on this). AARP has been very good about rolling out virtual programs for older adults -- like films and exercise classes. Many churches and synagogues helped older adults attend services virtually. Most older people have gotten pretty good (if not expert!) with Zoom. Platforms that require hitting just one or two buttons are best. Some older people are reluctant to enter credit-card info, or have small-muscle difficulties (i.e., lots of typing on small phone), so desktop apps with large fonts often work best.

Hi Deborah,

Thanks for participating in today's AMA!

When the time comes to transition from pandemic to endemic and we return to "normalcy", what kind of trauma do you think will follow us as we cope with that chapter of our lives? How should we mourn our experience and time lost?

I think there are vast differences in how people experienced the pandemic, such that some people experienced only minor inconveniences, and others went through major trauma, like deaths, illness and suffering, economic downturns, isolation, and more. Others lost opportunities -- young people were deprived of fun activities and rites of passage that they were eagerly anticipating.

How to mourn? I think it's helpful for people to talk and share their experiences, especially with those who really understand what they're going through. For instance, health care providers and front-line workers now have support groups (FTF and virtual) where they can share their trauma and get advice and support from one another.

Writing/journaling also can be helpful. The pandemic was a historical moment, and it is important for people to document what they've experienced. Writing down one's experiences helps us to make sense of what happened, it can give us perspective, and can be therapeutic. I also think people should embrace the fact that our personal timelines may be different now, and recognize that a delayed opportunity isn't necessarily a foregone opportunity. important milestones were postponed. Opportunities were lost. But that doesn't mean they can't be regained. We just need to recognize that we may do some things later than expected, or do things out of order, and that's OK.

Hello Deborah. Thanks for the AMA. I would have a question about grief. Not when losing a person, but a pet. I understand it’s not the same, but as they share our lives they become part of it, losing a pet is hard. The are in many cases, a part of family. How can one cope with illness, terminal illness and the inevitable loss of a pet who’s been with them for years? I hope the subject is not trivial, I appreciate your reply.

Not trivial at all! The grief from the loss of a pet can be profound. Our pets feel like 'children' and they are wholly dependent on us for their well-being. Their pains are our pains.

One of the hardest decisions we make as pet parents (I have a beloved beagle named Brisket...) is when their illness becomes too much, and having them put down is the most humane decision. Death is traumatic, but suffering on a daily basis also is traumatic. You know your pet better than anyone, and you will no doubt know when it's time to say goodbye and end their suffering.

One reason why pet death is so difficult is that our everyday lives change dramatically. The walks, feeding, bellyrubs, friendly greetings at the front door, all stop. That is a major adjustment. Give yourself time to grieve. Remember happy times with your sweet pet and cherish those photos that no doubt fill your iPhone. Take your time and grieve before getting another pet right away. But if you do get a new pet right away, you should not feel guilty or feel like you're not sufficiently mourning your loss. There is no 'one' right way to grieve, whether for a human or animal companion. I trust you'll make the decision that is best for you. And, if you worry that your feelings of sadness or loss are preventing you from doing the other things you need to do in life, like work or parenting, then talking with a professional could be helpful.

Research shows that older men have remarkably high rates of suicide. Why do you think this group is particularly vulnerable, relative to other age/gender groups? What kinds of policies could address this?

That's right, older men (ages 75+) have suicide rates dramatically higher than other age/sex groups. There are many reasons for the vulnerability. One is that with the onset of age-related health problems, they may feel physical pain and weakness that makes life very difficult and even unbearable. The other is that older men often have unacknowledged or untreated depression, and they don't receive the mental health care they need. As such, they may die by suicide. Access to means, meaning that they have access to guns or other means of suicide, also contributes to high rates. An important step (although controversial politically) would be tightening gun laws and regulation. Another is to ensure depression screening for all people seeking health care, and especially older men -- even those who seem 'strong and silent.' Supports for caregivers also may help -- so that their family members caring for them have the assistance they need.

What kind of lasting effects will the pandemic have?

Also, you forgot the spaces here:

-How and why do different generations react differently to stress? -How can I incorporate useful stress management strategies or practices into my everyday life? -How does mental well-being affect physical health, and vice-versa?

Please add them back so it looks like this;

• How and why do different generations react differently to stress?
• How can I incorporate useful stress management strategies or practices into my everyday life?
• How does mental well-being affect physical health, and vice-versa?

I think it'll improve the readability.

Thank you for your helpful feedback! The formatting is fixed.

There are countless long-term impacts. One is learning loss among children whose schooling has been interrupted. The other, obviously, is the deaths of many people, especially older adults. This can have lingering impacts on the loved ones left behind. One more is that we have learned to recognize the harmful impacts of social isolation; stress levels, drinking problems, and suicidal ideation have increased during the pandemic. This sounds an important call for meeting the mental health needs of people of all ages.

[deleted]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your therapist is right, even if it doesn't feel true for you, just yet. Grief can last for months if not years, but the daily pain does subside. It can come back unexpectedly, on those days when you hear a familiar piece of music, or have an experience that reminds you of your loved one. Those pains of missing and longing for the person can come back unexpectedly. But, there are ways to lessen the anguish. Sharing stories about them. Looking at old photos. Having mental conversations with them, asking yourself "what would [loved one] do?" when faced with a major decision. These strategies of continuing bonds can help to dull the pain. And be sure to reach out to your friends and family for support on those days when you're really down.

Are you familiar with Dr Rick Hanson, or the greater good science center? I discovered them through taking this class awakening joy when I was going through a really bad time.

I would love to know how effective you think their messaging is. I refer people to them all the time, especially Dr Hanson.

He has a practice called the three good things which I have my kids do almost every night. You think of three good things that happen to you that day and tell the family about them whether at dinner or before bed. It's an effort to uplift positive experiences in your memory as opposed to our inclination towards negativity.

I had not heard of Rick Hanson, thank you for sharing this info. I very much like his recommendation. It is important to practice gratitude for the good in our lives, and to share positive experiences with our loved ones. Focusing on the positive can be good for our daily mood, and can empower us to confidently embrace new challenges.

The only downside is if these practices lead people to 'brush under the rug' the unpleasant things happening in their lives. We need to talk about the negative as well, and to share our troubles with our family both so that they can understand what we're going through, and so families can work through solutions together. So, it's wonderful to embrace the positive, as long as we're not using this as a way to avoid the hard work that comes with acknowledging and working through our troubles. Denial and avoidance are not effective ways to problem solve.

Any advice for grieving the unexpected loss of a long-term committed relationship due to pandemic-related circumstances keeping us apart? Suggestions for dealing with death don't quite seem to apply, and neither to do techniques for handling general pandemic sadness.

I'm sorry for the sadness you're experiencing. It's not clear whether the relationship has ended, or whether you're kept apart physically due to distance and will reunite in the future. My specific advice would differ in those two different cases. Either way, though, it's clear that you clearly miss this person and feel a tremendous emotional void in your life.

You might want to think about the wonderful aspects of the relationship that you've lost, yet also think about the imperfect parts of the relationship that might have contributed to the separation. That may give you insights into how you might approach and improve this relationship, if you reunite. It also helps you to figure out what your expectations and standards are for your next major relationship. I know it's difficult if not impossible to envision a new relationship when we've lost "the one" we thought we would be with forever., but that day will come.

The other advice I would give for anyone experiencing a major breakup is to fill your life with those people/things/activities that bring you the greatest joy. We often grow, change, and develop new skills and interests when we're on our own, making us a more interesting and well-rounded person when our next relationship starts.

Finally, give yourself time. All the advice in the world is imperfect when it comes to soothing heartbreak. But time really does heal old wounds. The pain may arise again unexpectedly, upon hearing a song, seeing a photo, or walking past the restaurant you once enjoyed together. But that day will come when the pain subsides and you can enjoy memories of a relationship that has since faded... Good luck.

Can I just pretend that there is no adversity in my life no disability no pandemic and just act as if there is nothing changed in my life since I lost my soul mate I live life this way is it normal?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your soulmate. For short periods of time, being in a state of denial may help us through trauma, like your loss. Blocking out thoughts of sadness may help sooth us when the pain is too deep. But in the longer-term it may not be helpful. It's hard to feel pain, but sometimes that pain can carry lessons for us. What do you miss most about your soulmate? How might you try to bring some of that positivity back into your life?

I can't tell whether your loss was due to death or break-up. How you move forward would be different depending on the context. It is important to have some social support, even if one person who can serve as a sounding board. Sometimes, journaling, or putting our experiences and feelings on paper can feel cathartic and may lead to moments of personal discovery, leading us on a path forward. Good luck!

Hello professor Carr, do you have any recommendations for coping with the possibility you infected others with Covid while unaware you were ill. I am currently isolating and don't have my usual outlets like going for a walk. These past two years have worn down my optimistic outlook on this and made me anxious where before I was able to be much more accepting of unfortunate but uncontrollable circumstances. Especially when my mind wonders: could I have done more?

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling anxious and questioning whether you unknowingly affected others with COVID. The fact that you are currently isolating means that you're doing your best to keep others safe.

These are difficult times. Everything we know, all the habits we established earlier in life, got turned upside-down. We're all traveling without a roadmap. The best we can do is make the wisest and safest decisions possible, with the information we have at the moment. If you did infect someone, you did not do so knowingly or purposely. The people you came into contact with may be fine. They may be fully boosted. Ruminating and replaying the events over and over in your mind will only make you further distressed. Focusing on doing 'the right thing' moving forward seems like the best use of your energy right now. With that said, if you know of specific people whom you might have infected, you should of course reach out and let them know your health status so that they can get tested. But otherwise, there's not much you can do other than continue to be safe moving forward. Good luck!

Good afternoon and thanks for responding.
Why are there people who can't let go or have a hard time leaving material things behind? I have met a lot of people who feel a loss similar to that of a relative, and I really do not understand why that, being something worthless (at least for me)

We can grieve many things -- a person, a place, a thing, or even a time in our life that we yearn for (like happy times from our childhood). Oftentimes, it seems like someone is mourning the loss of a seemingly trivial object, but that object is not trivial to them. They may have worked very hard to earn the money to buy it, and the loss of the object may remind them of how tenuous economic security is. It could have been a gift from a loved one, or from a relative who has died. What looks like just a bracelet or dish or scarf, may in fact carry much more profound value for your friend.

How to help them through their loss? Ask them what the object meant to them. Ask whether getting a 'replacement' item would help? Answers to these questions may help you to understand the real source of your friend's grief, and may help to figure out a way to fill that void in your friend's life.

Greetings professor Carr, Do you own a car?

Thank you for your time.

Yes, co-own.

Do you believe that humans should go extinct?

No.