DeborahCarr_BU

I love the term 'ennui engine.' Rates of low-effort social media consumption are very high, especially during the past two years when levels of face to face visits have been low. When we lack the energy or initiative to work, read, exercise, engage in real-time conversation, it's very easy to just keep refreshing FB or Twitter (or whatever social media platform one uses), and seeing content that can be troubling. We know that social media makes people engage in unhealthy social comparisons, feeling that we're less popular/successful/ attractive than others -- even though the images we see are carefully curated and not an accurate depiction of reality.

My advice is to be very mindful and purposeful about social media. Use it sparingly. Go in with a purpose -- either to learn (by reading interesting articles), or seeking out mood-uplifting prompts (my personal go-to... puppy videos), or by strengthening ties by engaging with friend and family posts. But just mindless clicking and scrolling seldom provides us relaxation or emotion uplift.

People can also do an emotional 'check-in'. Ask yourself: how do I feel after 10 minutes on Twitter? Think about how this feeling differs from 10 minutes of exercise, or 10 minutes chatting on the phone with an old friend. Being pro-active and taking charge of how one uses leisure time can make a world of difference in our mood.

One of the most important things we can do is to let them know that we're here to listen, and offer support in ways that they want. Offering unsolicited advice, saying things like "it was G-d's will...", saying "I know how you feel...." when you haven't experienced similar loss are counterproductive. However, letting them share stories of their loved one (even if you've heard the stories before), letting them talk about the day of the death - what happened, where, when, etc - sometimes can help them try to make sense of the loss.

Other things that you might do are to send a card or even flowers on the anniversary of the death, just to let them know you're thinking about them. Donate to a charity that was meaningful to the deceased person. Reaching out on relevant holidays (e.g. Mother's Day or Father's Day) to see how they're doing will be an appreciated gesture.

Also, keep them engaged socially. Sometimes, we stop inviting our bereaved friends out for dinner, etc. We're afraid to reach out because we think they're too vulnerable. But that just contributes to their loneliness. Invite them for dinner, or for a holiday party. If they're not up for it, they'll say so. But that social integration can be essential to their well-being as they move forward.

The invasion of Ukraine, and many other events facing the world right now, are very distressing. It is important to stay informed, even if it causes us stress and pain. One way to cope is to talk with loved ones and even one's children about what's happening, to try to understand and make sense. Reading background information can help us to put things in perspective. Another thing we can do to feel less helpless during difficult times is to try to 'give back,' to the extent our time and budgets allow. Contributing to medical relief organizations or volunteering with older adults who may be wary of leaving their homes due to COVID, for instance, can give us a sense of meaning and purpose. Also, reaching out to friends who are highly affected, like friends who have family in Ukraine, and just letting them know you're thinking of them can be a healthy and responsible response.

A good question! I should start with the caveat that my experience during the pandemic was nowhere near as bad as it was for many others. Neither I nor any close family members got sick, and I didn't juggle homeschooling and work, as many of my colleagues have. I am fortunate to have a steady job and did not experience financial woes.

One big thing that helped me was volunteering. During the pandemic (or any crisis), we all felt so helpless, and had lost control over things. By volunteering (at nursing homes at first, and then later at vaccine and testing sites) I felt I was doing my tiny part to help.

The other is basic self-care. During the pandemic, my job was very busy and I spent easily 12+ hours a day in front of the computer. So remembering to exercise, eat three square meals, sleep, etc. helped. I also had regular Zoom meetings with my family spread throughout the US, so that connectedness helped.

The other was just learning to embrace uncertainty. I realized that neither I (nor anyone else!) could predict whether the pandemic would go on for weeks, months or years. So, recognizing that we just couldn't make plans was an important turning point.

Finally, I tried to regularly recognize the many things I had to be grateful for. My beloved housemates (Sam the dentist/pandemic baker and Brisket the beagle!) were a source of constant comfort, laughs, and fun meals, even when the world outside our home seemed dire and hopeless. Playing music, board games, hikes & bike rides, and comfort TV (I recommend All Creatures Great & Small…) provided low-stress enjoyment.

The final thing was just to give myself (and others) a break. We were going to make mistakes, be cranky, wear the same clothes for days on end.. .and that's OK. Our nation went through collective trauma, so we just need to show ourselves and others some grace.

I'm guessing you are much more resilient than you believe! To have come through a difficult childhood, and to go on to have a productive life as a worker and spouse means that you are indeed resilient.

However, it sounds like the pandemic opened old wounds and created new struggles. That's to be expected. Our lives can be moving along swimmingly, but then a new trauma forces us to relive our past. If we become depressed, it's hard to stay focused at work, or to be a supportive spouse.

One way to fortify one's resilience is to recognize that we become more efficacious at problem solving every time we clear a new hurdle. So, try asking yourself 'what have I learned from my past?' when encountering a new struggle, or "what am I most proud of,' when thinking about how you've managed past struggles. The answers to those questions can provide you a roadmap for moving forward. Every new challenge that we face (and address) gives us even more skill and a greater sense of competence as we move forward.

Another approach is to think about two different ways of coping with stress and adversity. One approach is 'problem-focused coping,' in which we change the situation that is causing us grief, whether a lousy job, or a strained marriage. But sometimes we simply cannot change our situation. In those cases, we can manage our emotional reactions to the situation. We can seek social support. We can focus our energies on positive and uplifting experiences, and ignore (to the extent possible) those people and things getting on our nerves.

However, if you feel the obstacles are too much -- that your marriage, career, and health have all gotten to a point that they are causing you misery only, then it may be helpful to talk to a professional, even via telemedicine. Good luck!