So, I broke my right tibia at the knee back in April, and fell from my crutches, down a flight of stairs and broke my left heel bone. I'm off the pills, and starting to walk again.

Thanks to the opiates, I missed so many people's questions of late. Please take the time now.

This will, like always be an open AMA and I'll answer questions until it's archived.

Here's some copypasta for the basic questions...

First AMA (archived)

Upvoted Podcast AMA

YouTube Channel

Here's some basics to get you started:

  • Dollar for dollar, a bagged vacuum, when compared to a bagless, will almost always:

1) Perform better (Actual quality of cleaning).

2) Be in service for much longer.

3) Cost less to repair and maintain (Often including consumables).

4) Filter your air better.

Virtually every vacuum professional in the business chooses a bagged vacuum for their homes, because we know what quality is. Things you should do to maintain your vac, regularly:

1) Clear your brush roller/agitator of hair and fibers. Clear the bearing caps as well, if possible. (monthly)

2) Change your belts before they break. This is important to maintain proper tension against the agitator. (~ yearly for "stretch" belts)

3) Never use soap when washing any parts of your vacuum, including the outer bag, duct system, agitator, filters, etc. Soap attracts dirt, and is difficult to rinse away thoroughly.

  • Types of vacs:

1) Generally, canister vacs are quieter and more versatile than uprights are. They offer better filtration, long lifespans, and ease of use. They handle bare floors best, and work with rugs and carpets, as well.

2) Upright vacuums are used mostly for homes that are entirely carpeted. Many have very powerful motors, great accessories, and are available in a couple of different motor styles. Nothing cleans shag carpeting like the right upright.

3) Bagless vacs are available in a few different styles. They rely on filters and a variety of aerodynamic methods to separate the dirt from the air. In general, these machines do not clean or filter as well as bagged vacuums. They suffer from a loss of suction, and tend to clog repeatedly, if the filters are not cleaned or replaced often.

4) Bagged vacuums use a disposable bag to collect debris, which acts as your primary filter, before the air reaches the motor, and is replaced when you fill it. Because this first filter is changed, regularly, bagged vacuums tend to provide stronger, more consistent suction.

My last, best piece of advice is to approach a vacuum, like any appliance; Budget for the best one you can get. Buy one with idea you will maintain it, and use it for many years. And, for the love of Dog, do not buy from late-night infomercials or door-to-door salesmen! Stay out of the big-box stores, and visit your local professional who actually knows what they're talking about.

Comments: 284 • Responses: 99  • Date: 

ibankudont22 karma

Hey man hope you get better. Questions. How did you come up with your username? (Fucking hilarious). What exactly do you do? Whats the best brand of vacuum? EDIT: I'm a fucking retard and didn't read the first AMA in which you answered my last 2 questions. Sorry.

touchmyfuckingcoffee21 karma


I wanted my username to be donttouchmyfuckingcoffee, but I was limited to 20 characters, so now it sounds more like a dare.

I manage a vacuum cleaner repair/sales store. I handle all the repairs (with a helper for now), all the paperwork, inventory, sales, and vendor relations. The store I work in is one of four company stores.

Best brand of vacuum depends on your individual needs.

ibankudont5 karma

Haha funny shit man. Thanks for answering. Another one: does your store ship parts? My local store manager is an asshole. Whats the most common this you repair?

touchmyfuckingcoffee9 karma

Sure, I will ship parts but you know I have to charge for shipping.

I make more money repairing Kirby vacuums and selling Kirby supplies/parts than any other brand. Here, in Texas, they have a huge market share.

ibankudont5 karma

Wow interesting. I just moved from Texas, a town called Wimberley, 45 mins south of Austin, whereabouts are you from in Tx?

touchmyfuckingcoffee4 karma

I know Wimberly very well. It's a damned shame about those floods last year. I'm up in Fort Worth.

ibankudont4 karma

Wow crazy dude! I grew up there. Lived there for 18 years. It really is a damned shame man it was so sad to see. Thats the year I moved, about 2 months before the floods. Anyways I'll let you answer peoples real questions haha. Thanks for chatting and stay cool up there man!

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Have a beer on the river for me.

infocynic3 karma

Just read your username in Samuel l Jackson's voice... "say what one more time..."

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

I like the cut of your jib.

Now if I could just get him to record that for me...

Are__You__Happy16 karma

Are you happy?

touchmyfuckingcoffee14 karma

In general, yes.

natrlselection8 karma

First of all, thank you for doing your AMA! The first one you did stands out in my mind as one of the most interesting by far! Sorry to hear about your leg, but glad to hear you're feeling better!!

I do have a question: My old vacuum cleaner died a while ago, and I don't want to replace it with the same one 'cause I never liked it in the first place.

My house is kinda small and has mostly wood floors. We have tile in the kitchen and an area rug in the living room. One room in the basement has some carpet, but it's going to be removed eventually in favor of tile or similar surface. I also have two dogs, so there's a shit load of dog hair everywhere now that the old vacuum is dead.

Have any suggestions for a decent vacuum? I remember reading that Dysons aren't worth the money. Looking online, there's a ton of vacuums with good reviews (one shark vacuum has like 6000 5-star reviews) and it makes it hard to decide. I feel like anything from an infomercial is complete shit.

So I figured I'd go to an expert. Have any advice?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

Follow the basics in my copypasta above.

Additionally, budget for the best vacuum you can buy. Think of it like any other appliance in your home. You wouldn't expect a $300 refrigerator to do a great job, nor would you pop down to Wallyworld for a cheap water heater and expect it to perform; You shouldn't expect less from a vacuum, and with your flooring types you need a good one. And, I think a canister vacuum is ideal for your needs.

My favorite brands are (in order) Miele, Sebo, Riccar, and Panasonic. They're not flashy and super high-tech, but they will work very well for years.

FL-Orange4 karma

My favorite brands are (in order) Miele, Sebo, Riccar, and Panasonic. They're not flashy and super high-tech, but they will work very well for years.

I replaced the cord retriever on my wife's grandmothers Miele. I was surprised at how easy and straightforward that unit is to work on. It looked like replacing the motor would have been just as easy.

touchmyfuckingcoffee4 karma

That's one of the things that make Mieles reliable. There's an old engineer's adage: The fewer moving parts, the better.

A canister's reliability comes from its simplicity.

robertcope3 karma

Bought a Sebo based on comments in a previous AMA that you made. High quality unit, for sure. With a two year old in the house, we vacuum a lot, and it has no trouble with her crumbs and such. Why a Miele over a Sebo?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

One of my biases is filtration. And, a "sealed suction" Miele with a HEPA filter is the best filtered vac, save for "clean room" Nilfisk vacuums. Sebos are pretty good, but when you need great filtration (asthma), you can do better with a Miele.

Other than that, I love Sebo vacuum. They're super maneuverable, very reliable, and the best corner-cleaning vacuums in the US market.

triit8 karma

We have hardwood floors and two shedding dogs so we end up with tufts of hair building up in the corners. I hate to wheel out a big corded vacuum that doesn't do a great job in the corners for light duty cleanup but it seems all the battery powered portables suck immensely (not in a good way). Any ideas?

Jainith9 karma

A broom?

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

Well, you're going to get much more hair blowing around with the broom. I love the low tech approach, but some people just want the debris to go away forever, and not mess with a dustpan.

touchmyfuckingcoffee9 karma

I almost hate to say it, but Dyson's cordless hand vacs are actually decent for this kind of job. They have a good warranty, which offsets most of their reliability issues.

If you want more power, Riccar makes a portable vac that's corded and comes loaded with accessories.

Superjain1234 karma

What do you think of the shark rocket series as an alternative to the dyson cordless? Have you compared the two? is there a particular model of the shark ones you like? how do you like shark in general?

Sorry for the multitude of questions, I've honestly been waiting for this AMA. thanks again for all your work and help!

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

I don't like anything made by Shark. I don't like Shark as a company, nor the way they do business.

That being said, I have not tested the Rocket against the Dysons, and I don't have any experience with it.

If you want to get more info about it, check what has to say about them.

Superjain1233 karma

I feel like I've spoken to a celebrity! Thank you sir; I will definitely take your word for it.

Get well soon; and please don't stop contributing! you do a great service to everyone here.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Thanks for the very kind words. I appreciate them.

greendragonsegg8 karma

ok, so i work at a 82 room outdoor access hotel with two floors (all rooms have short pile commercial grade carpets), the GM does not like bagged vacs but the Hsking wants a light weight vac, what would be a good light weight but good vac?

the housekeepers also some times drag the vacuum between rooms on the concrete walkways up stairs and that tends to make the wheels wear out faster.

also we got a santiaire vac with a shake out bag but even that was too heavy (i think housekeepers need more protein) so nothing over 13ish lbs to make them happy.

touchmyfuckingcoffee4 karma

You can go with Oreck XL commercial models or Riccar's commercial Supralite.

Get housekeeping to strap the vacuums to their carts, and quit wearing out the damned wheels and axles. That's how the pros do it at Omni.

greendragonsegg3 karma

also, gm says the bagged vacs carry smells from one room to another, do the commercial vac do this still or are the bags better at filtering smells? if i take this to him he will try and say this,

operating costs of a bagged vs bagless, does it become a mute point in the long run?

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

There isn't a bagless vacuum (except Sanitaire's dust cup) that is going to handle commercial use, at all. They're simply a waste of money. Plus, all vacuums eventually stink; No exceptions.

greendragonsegg5 karma

ok, out of the riccar and the oreck xl which is better? (they are about $90 difference)

and we have a dust cup sanitare for the lobby and it keeps chooching no matter how bad i treat it, wish the housekeepers used it more since it is a good vac

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

Either will do the job. The Riccars are ~40% more powerful, and can have serviceable brush rollers in them. They're also easier to push on some types of carpeting.

I'm a fan of the Sanitaires for their reliability and ability to be completely serviced. Hell, they're the fucking Ship of Theseus of vacuum cleaners!

greendragonsegg2 karma

any thoughts on vac with attachments? for edging and hard to reach areas?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

Then you need to step into a different kind of machine. There are lots of good options in that area.

crashdontfall_7 karma

First of all, how's your foot/leg? Keep it elevated when you're relaxing!

Second, I need a vacuum for a condo that has hardwood, rug and tile. Also it would be great if it was good at picking up cat fur too (not yet, but future referencing.) What would you pick?

Third, what is a good vacuum for cat hair (I don't know how this damn cat isn't bald) on a couch? It's like suede I think, our current one doesn't suck. I'm sorry

What's your favorite brand?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

Thanks! The foot is still seriously swollen and I'm trying to keep it elevated.

You cannot do better than a Miele canister vacuum for your condo. For your cat hair, go to amazon and look at all the different kind of pumice stones/tools. Those grab hair like nobody's business, than just feed it to the vacuum.

crashdontfall_4 karma

Thanks so much! I've found that those cleaning gloves for cat hair can get some of it, I never thought of using a pumice! You're awesome!

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

You're welcome. I learned that trick from auto detailers.

palmermarc2 karma

I'm in the same boat .. Only a 1050 sq foot condo, but a combination of tile/carpet/laminate. Would you recommend picking up a brand new Miele C2 canister? Or, should I search around for something used? How do I know that the used vacuum I'm buying isn't a POS and whether or not I'll be able to find parts for it? (Bags, belts, etc.)

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

You might prefer a C1 or C3 full sized canister, just so you're not using so many bags.

If you're buying used, stick to the good brands, and be sure to test the vac. Listen for things like the motor winding down with a groaning/grinding noise. Feel for vibrations that don't seem right. Test the suction with your hand at the nozzle. It should feel strong, and you should hear a distinct change in pitch in the motor. Inspect the body casing for cracks or signs of abuse. Inspect the exhaust area for excessive black dust; This is carbon particulates, coming from the motor's carbon brushes. It's normal to see a small amount, but a great deal is a sign of heavy use. Look for signs that the vacuum was run without a bag; This is a bad sign.

palmermarc4 karma

This is probably a dumb/filthy question.. But is it safe to pick up loose cat litter from the floor on with something like this?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

I've got cats; Things happen. It's perfectly safe to use a Miele for such things. Just don't suck up any turds.

socks_mcgee7 karma

Give it to me straight man.. what's the best approach to get dog hair off my couch?

I'm certain the couch is now more dog than couch.

Thanks in advance

touchmyfuckingcoffee9 karma

Bro, go to the girly section on Amazon, and find you a pumice stone that fits in all the nooks and crannies. They use them on their feet, but detailers use them on cars.

You can thank me later.

ryanmmm6 karma

Is Consumer Reports reliable when it comes to rating vacuum cleaners?

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

Not in my opinion. If you want really good reviews, check out, as those guys do a lot of research. I don't always agree with them, but I don't deny their thoroughness.

IslamicShibe5 karma

You are competing with Donald Trumps AMA. How do you feel about that?

touchmyfuckingcoffee4 karma

I wish I had timed it better. I think reddit is just about done with needing me.

TheJokersChild7 karma

As long as uneducated people buy Sharks and Dysons, reddit will need you.

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

I appreciate the sentiment.

IslamicShibe3 karma

Sorry to hear that bud. If it makes you feel better one of your AMA's inspired me to buy a bag vacuums instead of dyson

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

Thanks, bro. I hope I've been of some use to you. You know where I'm at when you have any problems.

zerj3 karma

I really hope Meile/Riccar has sent /u/touchmyfuckingcoffee a bonus or at least knows about these AMAs. I know we bought a better quality bagged vac a few years ago based on an AMA.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Thanks, but I don't get a thing from them. If anyone wants to help me out, I have an Amazon store.

reallydontgiveashit5 karma

Is a hot dog a sandwich?

touchmyfuckingcoffee13 karma

No, when you're excluding all "open faced" abominations.

gpdds5 karma

What do you think if the roomba?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

Robotic vacuums have their place in the world. I prefer the Neato and Miele robots better than Roomba's offerings.

sgttaco8065 karma

Why, exactly do you prefer the Neato and Miele over the roomba? I'm seriously thinking about getting a robot vac next.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

It comes down to mapping algorithms. Miele and Neato use a very systematic mapping system, whereas Roomba uses a more random mapping system, designed around a non-existent "map". The Roomba machines are just far less efficient.

sgttaco8063 karma

Is there one that you would recommend over the other for pet hair? Do you sell either one of these units?

Thanks for doing this! Everytime I see you on reddit you are so incredibly helpful!

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

Thank you. Your local Miele dealer should have their models available. You can look online for the Neato dealers.

ParkieDude2 karma

With three Golden Retriever's... roomba's rule (hint, it takes DAILY maintence to keep them working. I'm sure you have never said that before. ha). At times it is hard for me to use a vacuum cleaner, but that Roomba rocks.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

I'm glad you're enjoying it.

thr33beggars5 karma

I have been trying to connect a three-prong power cord to a commercial washer that my workplace just got. I am pretty uninformed on electrical work, even basic stuff like this. I get that the middle wire is the ground, but does it matter which side the other two wires are on?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

If you're using and AC appliance, then no, it's doesn't really matter. Though, matching wire colors is always BPM.

thr33beggars3 karma

All the wires are gray, I looked online and it said middle wire is ground, so I was hoping it just didn't matter. I assume it is AC, but really I have no idea...I just don't wanna break something we just got in

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

If you're in the US, you're using AC.

turbohonky4 karma

I've seen your other vacuum AMAs and a I really appreciate your doing them. I've not found anybody asking about or you talking about backpack vacuums though.

I'm interested in that because it seems like the easiest way to handle stairs. Which is where I spend the majority of the effort in vacuuming my house. (And it's just one no turns stair case in a normal sized house.)

Are there reasons I'd want to avoid the concept? Would I be sacrificing something? I don't see any when I go shopping, so I think I'm in the minority on this one and I'm wondering if there's a reason why.

Is there an existing set of straps to turn a Meili canister briefly into a backpack?

Is there a known (to those in the industry) best backpack option?

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

Here's the thing about backpacks; They're not great on carpet, as they don't have an electric powerbrush for your carpeting.

If you're tackling stairs with a Miele, you can just let out the cord, and use the carry handle on the top/front. If you already have a canister and want something to compliment it on the stairs, and for quick jobs, Miele makes just the thing: The H1 Swing. This fucker is a full powered stick vac on steroids, and was made specifically for stairs. Check one out at your local dealer and try it out.

Now, if you want to make some custom straps for your Miele, by all means, patent that shit!

-CD4 karma

I've always lived in small appartments, so I never thought I needed a powerful vacuum, right now I have a shitty handheld vacuum, but after reading your threads a couple months ago, I decided I would throw this one away and get me a real vacuum when the time would be right, I'll be moving soon and he won't be coming. The thing is, I don't plan on changing cities any time soon and the biggest appartment I lived in was around 200sq ft, so just a bit of light work really, and I don't like carpet so I try to avoid it when choosing an appartment.

I want this vacuum to be an air filter also, I see you're talking about true HEPA vacuum system, so what should I look for in these?

Is it even possible to get a hand held vacuum with an Hepa filter? I don't really care if it's cordless or not, as long as it's practical enough for me to take and put away easily.

I have seen a couple of those, but I'm really not sure what to look for, thanks for doing these ama man, that's really some awesome stuff. I'm getting excited about having a good vacuum. Who would have thought.

I hope you'll get better soon man. Take care

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

With that small of a space, check out the Miele Swing. You can outfit it with a HEPA filter, and it's insanely powerful for the size. Of $250, it's a bargain.

ahipikr3 karma

I recently bought a 1,500 sq ft raised ranch with 90% of the floors being wood. What's the best vacuum for my situation? How much should I be looking to spend? $300+?

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

A canister vacuum is perfect for you. If you've got any carpet, you're going to need an electric powerbrush head to get it clean.

$300 is a good starting point for the better bagged canister vacs.

ahipikr3 karma

What are the best brands to look at?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

My favorite brands are Miele, Sebo, Riccar, and Panasonic.

Birdwatchingyou3 karma

What is your favorite species of bird?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

How can one pick a favorite? My favorite songbird is the Carolina Wren, for having the loudest call for the smallest species.

stein2686 karma

"Chirpety chirpety chirpety chirp" (just came here to say that)

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

You forgot to warble.

drunkenmormon3 karma

I've never really given a shit about owning a vacuum before but I recently got my own apartment with that basic 90s carpeting (about 700sq ft of carpet). I know there are probably no good vacuums under $100, but if you had to recommend one in that price range to pick, can you point me in the right direction?

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

If you're really limited to that kind of budget, you're better of looking for a good used vacuum, at a thrift store or a pawn shop.

Avoid : Kirby, Bissell, Shark, Eureka, Dirt Devil, Dyson, and bagless Hoovers.

pigeon_in_a_hole3 karma

I've been waiting for this, I always end up reading your archived posts instead, but I haven't taken the plunge yet so here goes.


I have a 2 story house, bottom is hardwood, top is carpet (stairs too). I have 2 cats so my primary debris is cat fur. I'm a weakling so bonus points for something I can carry up the stairs without straining. Right now I have a crappy Hoover bagless upright that I bought from Target in college, on clearance. Somehow, it's lasted me 6 years. I've never spent any other money on vacuums really, so this is a new kind of purchase for me.

That's pretty much where I'm at, but here's the kicker: I'm cheap. I have the money to buy whatever kind of vacuum I need, but I really detest the idea of spending so much on something I can cheap out on. I'm slowly realizing that when my crappy vac dies, it's probably still frugal to shell out for a nice vacuum, even if I don't want to. Moreover, my vet thinks one of my cats may be allergic to dust mites, so if I find that vacuuming helps my kitty, I'll be much more willing to spend on a good one. The question then will be which one balances performance with cost?

Edit: My home is 1800 sq ft

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

Okay, so here's the thing:

Cheap is very costly. Every time you throw away a couple or three hundred dollars on a shitty vacuum, not only are you getting shittier longevity, you're also getting shittier cleaning performance.

By spending the money on the front end, not only do you you save on the back end, but you also get much better performance.

By spending $600 or more on a vacuum, not only do you get far better performance, but you also get far better reliability. You wind up spending far less in the long run.

pigeon_in_a_hole3 karma

Ok, so let's say I decide to spend the $600, what would you recommend?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

If you can't find a gently used 3-5 yr old Miele outfitted for carpet, I'd look into a new top.of the line Panasonic canister.

Xyli3 karma

Hi friend, I'm looking for a recommendation for something that will get me by and I'm hoping you can help me. I want to stay around the $600-800 range if I can. I have a 2,500 sqft home with mostly carpet(everything sans the kitchen and entry way), 300 sqft or less is hardwood. No pets, and all the carpet is "mediumish?" pile. Finding a good vaccuum repair/refurb place here is probably out of the question since I live in the midwest. So far I've been looking going towards Miele Compact C2 Topaz.

Would this model suffice, or is there a cheaper/more expensive option I should look at? I want quality and durability, but I also don't want to spend more than I need to. Please help a brother out.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

With that much square footage, you really need something larger than the C2 models. You're going to want a C1 or C3. The Home Care models are the best appointed packages, with loads of accessories.

But, let's talk about durability. The C1 models are not as ruggedly built as the C3 models. But, that's gonna put you into an $1100 investment. If that's just too much money for you, I have an upright that I love and recommend that you might enjoy. It's the Riccar R20 Vibrance Ultra Premium. This monster is so very powerful, durable, and aggressive in its cleaning abilities. That should cost you ~$800.

Xyli3 karma

I'd like to stay with a canister if I can. How about the comparison between the C3s? Such as the cheaper Limited Edition or Calima VS. the Kona or Marin? I don't mind spending more if it's worth the investment, but I also don't want to spend more than necessary, if that makes sense. I'm not too worried about the price tag.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

The vacuums are all the same. The difference is in what accessories they are appointed with.

The Home Care has the most accessories of any of the C3 models, and I frequently sell them.

Xyli3 karma

Are the differences in the STB205, SEB228, and SEB236 brushes night and day? I'm essentially seeing a $250-300 jump between the brushes in the models.

Also I may be dense, but I'm not seeing which model is referred to as the Home Care. Is that a code name for one of the ones I asked about?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

The 205 is a "turbo tool", which uses suction from the main motor to work. Some suction is lost driving the brush. The SEB217, 228, and 236 are all electric powerbrushes. The 217 is really only suitable for rugs, whereas the 228 and 236 have height adjustments for more versatility.

You're not going to find the Home Care online, as it is a dealer-only model. Don't be scared though; It's can even be cheaper than other C3 models.

Xyli2 karma

I checked for Miele dealers in the area and I have none, so the Home Care is out of question. From what I'm gathering it sounds like Kona/Marin would be the better vaccuum, but the Calima would be a budget choice (giving up more suction power in the process).

Let's say I were to purchase the Calima, would I be able to purchase a SEB228/236 down the road and use it on that model? Or do I have to buy one of the other two C3 models to have an electric powerbrush?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

You're much better off buying one with everything you need now. If you get a Calima, you're going to have to buy a new electric hose, an electric wand, and then the powerbrush...That is very costly, compared to buying one outfitted with a powerbrush already.

Xyli2 karma

I happened to have some time to research at work and noticed the C3 SoftCarpet. I looked at Miele's press release for it(it apparently just came out this month). It is made in Germany and comes with the following tools: Parquet Twister (SBB 300-3), Electro Plus (SEB 228). The specs are identical to the other C3 models minus the automatic motor and filter replacement indicator.

It also has the ability to upgrade to the SEB236. It seems like this is a great deal compared to the others. Am I missing something here?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

If you're missing something, so am I. I have no idea why it is so much cheaper; It's the same fuckng vacuum as the others, for all I can tell.

A_bird_in_the_hands2 karma

I'm super late but you may see this.

My question is, what is the best vacuum for a household that includes a long-haired woman, long haired cat, messy toddler, and soon will have a long haired dog? We currently have a Dyson Animal (upright canister, ball roller), I believe it is. We have to take the bottom assembly off and cut the hair off the roller with scissors every so often but it's fared better than others. It picks up fur and dirt from the carpet fairly well (it helps that our toddler loves to push down on the front of the vacuum as I run it, backwards. Makes for odd vacuuming patterns). We also have wood flooring. Is there a better one out there?

I hope your leg recovers quickly!

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Thanks for the kind words.

You're definitely going to need more vacuum. With your bare flooring, a canister vacuum is ideal. I don't mean canister like you used, describing your Dyson; I'm talking about this, which uses a bag.

If you buy a premium canister, like a Miele or Sebo, or even a cheaper Panasonic, you're going to get far fewer clogs, but you're still going to need to cut hair from the brush roller.

Now, here's a few tips to deal with hair, and extend the life of your bags:

  • Use a carpet rake (like these) to pick up excess hair before vacuuming.
  • Brush your hair regularly, and preferably outside. This will lessen the amount of your hair is in the carpet. Not a bad idea for the pets, either.
  • Try vacuuming more often. The more you vacuum, the less hair has accumulated on the floors, and with less coming in at a time, you're less likely to cause a clog.

I hope this advice works well for you.

Fahsan3KBattery2 karma

Get well soon, that really sucks.

On your recommendation I got a Miele Compact S2111 Bagged Cylinder Vacuum Cleaner, 1600 Watt. It's brilliant and I love it, going strong 3+ years later

My question is that now I have a Siberian Husky do I need something with more oomph?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Thanks for the kind words.

You don't need more vacuum. You just need more work.

Brush the dog often. Do what the pros do and get yourself a carpet rake or silicone broom, like these. By using them regularly, you get far less hair going into the vacuum, and extending the life of your bags.

Let me know if you need more help.

Fahsan3KBattery2 karma

Thanks. We've got mostly wood floors, is the broom still worth it.

We groom him a lot, every day when his coat's blowing, there's still hair everywhere!

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

I'm familiar with dogs blowing coat. A silicone broom is great for getting up excess hair before using your vacuum on the bare floors, if that's your thing. It's mine.

TasteCrimes2 karma

2 years ago, I came home from work only to discover a young latina woman putting a hose back into a huge box with my wife sitting on the love seat writing out a check.

She spent $700 on a Kirby Vacuum system. All the bells and whistles. Seems to do a good job.. Is it a decent vacuum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

It's a decent vacuum, but she got it for a decent price.

But...Kirbys use impeller motors, and do not have the suction necessary to clean all the way down to the subfloor. This is not acceptable by today's standards.

Kirbys also have poor filtration. The bag is the only filtration, and I don't care what Kirby says, it does not keep your air clean.

Kirbys require expensive maintenance and consumables. No other vacuum costs as much for regular maintenance and bags.

You might consider selling it on Craigslist or something to get some of your money back before you buy a modern premium vacuum.

mommyaiai2 karma

So we have an 1600 sq foot 2 level house. No carpet, just wood and tile. Two toddlers, two cats, and a pug. We have a Dyson canister that's about 6 years old. I'd like to relegate it to the basement and get something that's easy, light and quick to grab for the main living areas. Bonus points for quiet and easy to store. Any suggestions?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

You would really enjoy the Miele C2 models. They're nice and quiet, compact, and lightweight. You can outfit it for just about any needs.

Arkeros2 karma

You frequently recommend Mile. Are all miles made equal and I can pick any according to budget and use?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Sadly, that is not the case, anymore. Miele has sent production of the C1 Compact to China. Despite the fact that they use the same motors, I cannot recommend these models.

If purchasing a Miele, just look on the underside and make sure it's made in Germany.

scribbledheart2 karma

Hi there! Hoping you are still answering questions?

So we need to replace our current Bissell Cleanview we got as a wedding gift and hoping for recommendations? We were gonna go the route of good version of what big box stores carry but after seeing this AMA...

Family of 3 with a young child and we have two cats. 1k square foot home, mostly carpet, kitchen is lino and bathroom tile. We also have a full basement that isn't used much but needs vacuuming when I get to it. Mostly old tile and area rugs.

I think we'd be willing to spend at most in the $500 range, preferably less. I have back problems so lighter is better.


Edit: hope you're feeling better. Broken legs are no joke!

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

A canister vacuum is ideal for your needs. For the budget you mentioned, I think the Panasonic MC-CG 937 is a helluva choice for you. Let me know if you want my amazon link to it.

scribbledheart2 karma

Thanks! I had actually started considering canisters and it's good to have reassurance.

Would we get more for our money if we doubled our budget? I mean would we really see benefits?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Yes, you do indeed get what you pay for. Panasonic's canisters are good. But, what you get with a Miele is next level. You get a gasket system which seals the vac, you get a seriously quiet vacuum, sealed filters, far better maneuverability, and a much better warranty.

changnesia2 karma

I was looking at getting a sub $200 vacuum for my heavily carpeted apartment and was looking at the Sunburst from Riccar. Would this get the job done? And in terms of buying it used, good idea or not?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

No, that vacuum will not do the job for you. If you're going to get a canister, you need a powerbrush head to get the carpet properly clean.

Howls_Castle2 karma

I own two bunnies and they make huge messes. They are litter trained, but constantly fling large, small and every size in between pieces of hay. They also shed almost constantly immense amounts of fur. Sometimes they destroy cardboard boxes and leave large, small and every size in between, pieces of paper everywhere. I have tried three different vacuums and they constantly get clogged. I am constantly unclogging the hose on my shop vac because the fur mixes with the hay and forms little balls in the grooves of the hose. Also, the hay someitmes just doesn't bend or is too long. My stand up vac gets fur tangled up on the bristles and then the hay clogs the sucking part. My hand held is so small the hay ends up just sticking out the sucking part. I also live on carpet, so sweeping is a no go.

I am a teacher, so I can't afford much, but what can you recommend for me that won't clog with all the hay sizes, fur amounts, pieces of paper and more? My shop vac works the best, but clogs after 5-10 minutes and then I have to pull all the hay, fur and such out of the hose. Thank you!!!

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

I have a very simple solution for you:

Stop vacuuming up all that debris. Vacuums are designed to pick up only three things: dirt, dust, and hair. Anything else, and you're likely to experience a clog. The better vacuum you have, the less this will happen, but in your case, it will happen.

You need either a closely spaced garden rake or what we call a 'carpet rake', which is designed to lift your carpet fibers. You can find some here.

Get all that larger debris up with the rake, pick it up and trash it. Then, go about your vacuuming normally.

_Ryanite_2 karma

A while back, I had a vacuum cleaner where everything went into a big tub of water. The problem was, it had clear sides, and you could watch everything swirling around. It was nasty. We ended up calling it "Mr Slushy" affectionately, and decided to get rid of Mr Slushy after we got sick of emptying it into a hole in the garden. We had four dogs so the fur ruined the water pretty fast.

Why were these things ever invented? Why would anyone want one?

And yes, it was an infomercial.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Man, don't even get me started on water-filtration vacs. Fuck those things on principle.

LifeWin2 karma

did...did you get your penis stuck in a vacuum?

Is that why you've been away?

On an un-related note, what would the best way to disengage one's genitals from a vacuum? If, hypothetically, one's genitals were currently stuck inside a vacuum, that is...

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

Don't stick your penis in a vacuum.

If you're going to anyway, at least get one with variable suction.

See a doctor.

doofus-mcgoofus2 karma

Do you think a hybrid bagless/bag type would be worth the effort to design? As in a bagless type separator to catch the majority of stuff sucked up, followed by a bag to catch anything that gets through the first? I could see this appealing to some for the combination of convenience and effectiveness, but at the expense of size. Thoughts?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

That's a very insightful question.

I like the general idea, but imagine the complication of design would either seriously limit the vac's performance, or in the least cause it to be very high priced.

YupitsJake2 karma

My Fiance and I just moved into a new house with 1700 sq ft of brand new carpet. I have two cats and a golden retriever and am looking into the Miele Kona or Marin. I noticed you had older versions of the Miele vacuums on your website. Are these better than the newer versions? I'm looking to stay around a grand and would like a vacuum that will last me forever and perform well.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

If you're talking about the Miele's in my Amazon store, the selection is so limited because Miele cut off the affiliate program on their vacuums.

If you're interested in the C3 models, visit your local dealer and get yourself the Home Care model. It's the best appointed model, by far.

mattbaum2 karma

I heard they don't make the Riccar Butler any longer. What's the best mini canister to buy if not a Butler?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

They're still making them. I just have 6 delivered to my shop.

mattbaum2 karma

Riccar's site has the Supra Quick and the Squire. But no Butler. I've tried navigating and I've tried all kinds of searching. And I've got nothing to show for it. My local dude who carries Riccar told me they're only doing the Supra Quick now. Wanna sell me a Butler?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

PM me. Shhhhh...

fuzzycuffs2 karma

Curious, do you gave any opinions on HEPA filters? They're like vacuums for the air.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

If they're something someone needs, by all means, get one.

Or, you can have a true HEPA vacuum system, and just use the vacuum as your HEPA purifier, like I do.

AboutToSnap2 karma

How do you feel about whole home vacuum systems? I've been curious about building one as a project, but a lot of people seem to dislike them.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Central vac systems are great...I've you've got a house with one already installed, or if you're building a new house. The cost of parts and installation in a pre-existing house are too high to justify.

The biggest reason CV owners also use conventional vacs is because of how unwieldy it is to drag out a 30-50ft hose.

All in all, you're better of with just a good canister vacuum.

nadetoh2 karma

I asked before about light vacuum for carpet and you recommended the riccar supralite.
problem is, I have fleas and have to throw away the bag each time and there are no attachments like hose to get at the corners.
I considered the hoover platinum with separate canister but I would have to use up two bags a day. also considered the sebo felix since it's lighter but I hear the bags are expensive. ok my question is are there any ultralight vacuums that have hose attachments? also wanted to know if i just wanted a vacuum that isn't too heavy that has hose attachments and is mostly vacuuming carpet/ or a regular vacuum that isn't too heavy and can do both hardfloor and carpet since I have a attached garage and a tiny amount of kitchen floor. thanks for your advice.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

A canister vacuum is ideal for your needs. But, I gotta ask why you're throwing your bags away every time? You could sprinkle just a bit of diatomaceous earth (food grade) and vacuum it up at the end of your vacuuming, at it will kill any fleas in the bag.

You could go with a bagless vacuum, but you're not going to get the same kind of quality or cleaning as you will with the better bagged vacuums. Any of Miele's or Sebo's canisters would work well for you.

nadetoh2 karma

i don't want to go with a bagless vacuum either. You keep telling bagless aren't that good either.
I bought the Panasonic MC-CG917 on your recommendation and works well but i don't like the dragging of canister vacuums and would like an upright now with mostly carpet with hose attachments.

would mothballs in the vacuum bag work to kill fleas so i don't have to throw away bags?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

NEVER use mothballs in your home!!! They are carcinogenic, should never be used. Like I said, use food grade DE, just a bit, into the bag at the end of the job.

Keep in mind that you will be doing more work when switching to an upright vacuum. You can always try one of Panasonic's HEPA filtered uprights.

nadetoh3 karma

doesn't de earth kill vacuums early? or only if it's too much vacuumed?

touchmyfuckingcoffee4 karma

It's not "terribly" good for a vacuum, especially a bagless vacuum. But, if you just suck up a tablespoon or two after vacuuming, in a bagged vac, to kill the fleas, you're not going to do any significant damage to the vacuum.

mattbaum2 karma

Then my local riccar dealer was wrong! Can't find them online. Any suggestions as to where to get one?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

That's really odd. I haven't heard a thing. I mean, the Butler is the new replacement for the SupraQuick. It doesn't make sense.

I think Riccar now has direct ordering for the Butler on their website.

hoti01012 karma

What are the best vacuums you'd recommend in various price ranges?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

On the lower end of the scale ($150-$400), I like Panasonics and Hoover's better bagged vacs. Anything over $400, and then the best brands are Riccar, Sebo, and Miele.

If you're looking at bagless vacuums, the Hoover's best models are pretty reliable and easy enough to maintain. Avoid Shark, Eureka, Bissell, and Dyson. Sharks are powerful, but break easily and have costly repairs.

firemarshalbill2 karma

I know the brands you recommend, and have been looking at the Miele S2121 (300 is my price range). However the reviews on amazon all are less then stellar for it's use with dog hair on thicker carpet.

Do you have any that you recommend in that range specifically for pet hair on carpets?

Me and my two coworkers were just talking about that reddit vacuum guy only to see you were live.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

If you're limited to $300, get the Panasonic MC-CG 327. PM me for a link to my Amazon store.

spicypepperoni2 karma

It must be paradise smelling all those freshly vacuumed carpets. My favorite smell. Do you enjoy the smell?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

I prefer the smell of dryer exhaust.

andianopolis2 karma

Late to the party as usual, but how do you feel about Kenmore vacuums? In particular, the Kenmore Progressive 31069 and the Kenmore 31140 Upright? I was reading about them on consumer reports. They're both cheap and seem to do well for pet hair. I'm aiming to stay around the $200-300 mark.

I've got two german shepherd mixes and a cat that shed a ton, and my poor old Royal isn't doing the job anymore. I prefer bagged vacuums!

Thanks :D

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

I would go with the Panasonic counterparts, as the Kenmores are built by Panasonic. The Panasonic parts will be much easier to find when the time comes.

ballisticbanana9992 karma

For bag-less vacuum cleaners, why is it always so hard to re-attach the dust container?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

That's due to cheap construction. One of the reason I tell folks to avoid them.

lithedreamer2 karma

I hope your recovery is going well.

In a nutshell, what am I getting when I pay more for a vacuum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

What your paying for is better R&D, better design, lower production numbers per year, assemblers who make living wages, better parts quality, better filtration, better QA, longer availability of parts, machines that are designed to be maintained, and a service dealer network who is trained on how to properly repair your vacuum when something does go wrong.

_stiltskin2 karma

Oh man! I wish I wasn't so late to this. I have a Dyson Absolute V6 stick vacuum, which is great for my small apartment, but I have a question about cleaning it.

The filters and cannister are easy to remove and wash, but what is my best option for the foot attachment? It has a motor in it, so I don't want to submerge it in water, but it is difficult to get into the little crevices with just a damp cloth. What do you recommend?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

I'm pretty sure that your nozzle base is just a suction driven turbine unit, and not electric. Either way, you can like find YouTube videos on how to care for it. If not, PM me and o can give you more detailed instructions.

ECU_BSN2 karma

You changed my dog fur having all hard floor walking life: how can I best maintain my Miele vacuum for longevity?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Good question. Really, all you gotta do is take the canister in every 3 years to have the commutator cleaned and the carbon brushes inspected. If you're average, a set of brushes should past you 10-15 years.

If you have pets and a powerbrush head, you should have that in every 3-5 years, just to ha e the belt cleaned and the hair removed.from the casing, so everything runs smooth and cool.

That's a helluva lot easier that many vacs out there.

svanasana2 karma

Does the advice on bagged versus bagless still apply if you have dogs that are heavy shedders? We end up emptying our cheap Hoover bagless multiple times.

I'd like to upgrade at some point to something decent, but I feel like I would fill bags ridiculously fast. Maybe I'm underestimating the capacity?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

You are underestimating the bags' ability to compress the debris. Even with pets, most Miele owners with full-sized bags only go through 4-6 bags per year.

Now, if you're getting that much hair, then do what the pros do, and get yourself a carpet rake or silicone broom, like these. That will greatly mitigate your bag usage.

animelz2 karma

Not a question, but a huge thank you! After reading your previous ama's I knew I needed to get myself an awesome vacuum. I did a ton of research and called around my local shops. I really wanted a Miele canister vac for my big old farmhouse with linoleum and thick carpet. I couldn't justify spending a ton of money buying new, so I watched Craigslist like a hawk and ended up finding a meticulously maintained 10 year old red velvet Miele with the power brush head, extra bags, and a brand new hepa filter for only $150 bucks! I couldn't be happier :) Is there anything about this older unit that I should know? It was serviced right before I bought it.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Congrats on your frugal purchase! I would have it in every three to five years for a thorough inspection, including cleaning the commutator and inspecting the length of the carbon brushes.

If the powercord and reel were not used properly, you may need to get a new unit. That's not cheap, but if it's still available, usually worth it.

bigeyedbunny1 karma

Hi, thank you for doing this AMA.

I am currently pregnant with my first baby.

This will be an unusual question, I really hope you'll have a moment to answer it.

A lot of great scientists are currently researching options to reverse aging, Google is also involved with their project Calico, SENS Research Foundation and many other acclaimed scientists.

If you'd be given seriously the option to stay healthy and young indefinitely, would you take it?

There is a current lack of options existent at this moment still: the suffering of aging and aging related diseases is the norm, followed by death, followed by forever nothingness with no reddit, no sunsets, no thoughts, no dreams, no family, no friends and no icecreams...

Thank you very much, I hope you are excited as well about the progress of medicine and science

touchmyfuckingcoffee1 karma

I am a true fan of science, live by the scientific method, and love watching the advancements of medicine.

But, our time here is meant to be finite. Having lived with pain, every day of my life since I was a teen, and a cynical eye pointed to catastrophic climate and social change, water wars, oil wars and everything else, I can't say that I want anything longer than a natural lifespan.

Part of me wants to see the advancement of man and the universe, throughout time, but there's no evidence to suggest I will get to see that.

bigeyedbunny-1 karma

You know that by such line of thinking, it's natural to die from bacterial infections, because antibiotics are unnatural and created by scientists, and contradict nature.

Also planes, reddit, smartphones are also very unnatural, and contradict nature.

Having the option to stay alive and continue to live healthy and well should be a basic human right

Here is a short beautiful video that explains the truth much better than me:

Thank you very much

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

I don't disagree that living healthy is a human right. I just have no desire to live longer than say 80-90. I've had a terribly difficult life, so I'm not looking at it through rose-colored glasses.

*Edit: That video is the most self-centered, narcissistic shit pile of philosophy I've heard in a great while. I don't even care to discuss the various ways that deluded jag-off fucks off the future humans, his own importance, etc. The universe gives absolutely no shits about us as a species. No one is special. We all die. It's like an SJW's treatise on how the universe and death are shitlord oppressors, and 'we're not gonna stand for it!'

bigeyedbunny-1 karma

I've never met an old person in my life who said "I lived enough, I want to die and become forever nothingness and ashes".

You'll change your mind guaranteed when you'll feel good and you'll see how beautiful life is.

There is always something new to learn, experience and discover

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

There is always something new to learn, experience and discover

Of course there is, but life is meant to be finite. I have no desire to change that personally.

ParkieDude2 karma

Thank You. Life it to be lived, enjoyed, shared. If there was never an end it would be hell. Screw that, I'm going to enjoy tomorrow's sunrise and live one day at a time.

I'm not in a rush to leave, would love to see grandkids some day, but too live forever isn't for me.

The only living being on the planet that should have immortality is a Golden Retriever. I too suspect they would grieve too many friends passing before their time. My Golden is 3 years old, so 10 years is realistic. With luck we will both pass at the same time curled up next to each other while taking an afternoon nap. For me it would be fantastic to see the mystery of Parkinson's solved, and for cancer to be slowed to a snails pace of not doing harm for 80 years, but until then I will enjoy tomorrows sunrise and a walk in the rain.

touchmyfuckingcoffee1 karma

Beautifully put.