Sure, I know how to reddit. But, mistakes are made. I'm here to make up for that. This AMA WILL REMAIN OPEN UNTIL ARCHIVED.

First AMA (archived)

Second AMA (Open)

Here's some copy-pasta from my last AMA, in case you missed it.

Here's some basics to get you started:

*Dollar for dollar, a bagged vacuum, when compared to a bagless, will always:

1) Perform better (Actual quality of cleaning).

2) Be in service for much longer.

3) Cost less to repair and maintain (Often including consumables).

4) Filter your air better.

Virtually every vacuum professional in the business chooses a bagged vacuum for their homes, because we know what quality is.

  • Things you should do to maintain your vac, regularly:

1) Clear your brush roller/agitator of hair and fibers. Clear the bearing caps as well, if possible. (monthly)

2) Change your belts before they break. This is important to maintain proper tension against the agitator. (~ yearly for "stretch" belts)

3) Never use soap when washing any parts of your vacuum, including the outer bag, duct system, agitator, filters, etc. Soap attracts dirt, and is difficult to rinse away thoroughly.

Types of vacs:

1) Generally, canister vacs are quieter and more versatile than uprights are. They offer better filtration, long lifespans, and ease of use. They handle bare floors best, and work with rugs and carpets, as well.

2) Upright vacuums are used mostly for homes that are entirely carpeted. Many have very powerful motors, great accessories, and are available in a couple of different motor styles. Nothing cleans shag carpeting like the right upright.

3) Bagless vacs are available in a few different styles. They rely on filters and a variety of aerodynamic methods to separate the dirt from the air. In general, these machines do not clean or filter as well as bagged vacuums. They suffer from a loss of suction, and tend to clog repeatedly, if the filters are not cleaned or replaced often.

4) Bagged vacuums use a disposable bag to collect debris, which acts as your primary filter, before the air reaches the motor, and is replaced when you fill it. Because this first filter is changed, regularly, bagged vacuums tend to provide stronger, more consistent suction.

My last, best piece of advice is to approach a vacuum, like any appliance; Budget for the best one you can get. Buy one with idea you will maintain it, and use it for many years. And, for the love of Dog, do not buy from late-night infomercials or door-to-door salesmen! Stay out of the big-box stores, and visit your local professional who actually knows what they're talking about.

Comments: 1044 • Responses: 110  • Date: 

NG96118 karma

I want a new identity. Can you help me?

touchmyfuckingcoffee143 karma

Sure, send me $100K in cash.

PmButtPics4ADrawing102 karma

Be honest, how many times have you used a vacuum for personal pleasure?

touchmyfuckingcoffee890 karma

None. I have your mom for when I want something noisy that sucks.

hypersonic_platypus9 karma

You're the coolest vaccum cleaner repair man ever!

touchmyfuckingcoffee12 karma

That's very kind, thank you.

RebelWithoutAClue2 karma

I like your mom like I like my canister vacuum. Quiet with powerful suction and out in my garage.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Swing and a miss. Sad to see the rookie end the season like this.

Fat_Dietitian-14 karma

That seemed unnecessarily rude. We had a nice little conversation going here. :(

touchmyfuckingcoffee18 karma

If asking me about my masturbation ritual is "nice little conversation" to you, we don't need to talk more.

touchmyfuckingcoffee168 karma

Wait it out. It's not going to work for very long, before crashing to the ground in a fiery death.

frakingtoasters60 karma


touchmyfuckingcoffee99 karma

Brevity, huh? Miele

ShaylaWroe19 karma

Any particular model? I have 2 huskies and HATE my current Riccar. I'm constantly having to take it in because it breaks down. i think it's just not up to the task.

touchmyfuckingcoffee48 karma

What model Riccar do you have, and what's breaking?

A Miele is certainly up to the job. Get yourself one of the S8 models, with a powerbrush head.

Let me give you a gentle reminder that one should take care of one's vacuum, and treat it well. I'm not casting stones, I'm just sayin'.

ShaylaWroe10 karma

It's true, but it seems to clog up all the time. I keep the brush clear and have taken it in for maintenance recently but it doesn't actually pick things up. It rolls up the dog hair into dreds but doesn't actually pick it up. It wasn't picking up much else either and actually seems to push things out in front of or behind it. I had just put a new bag in also.

Basically, after a little while (not done with a whole room because I have to go over it multiple times), the vac just shuts off. Like it's overheated. Plus the dred thing and the spitting things out, especially when pulling the vac backward between strokes. In the past, I've had to wear pants because it spits things out so fast it hurts my ankles. I think it's called a Vibrance (that's what's on the front, but I'm not sure if that's the actual name of the model).

touchmyfuckingcoffee19 karma

Ok, I hear what you're saying. The older Vibrance models can suffer from the problems you're describing. These are problems that have been fixed in the new models. In Riccars, you'd want an 8955, Retriever, or a Radiance Premium.

But, as we're talking about Mieles, the S8 HomeCare is my favorite package. It comes loaded with accessories.

specificity845 karma

I can't seem to find the "Homecare" model online. Where should we look to buy it?

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

That is a dealer-exclusive model. It's one of the benefits of being a dealer. If there isn't a dealer in your area, you might try calling the nearest dealer and see if they will ship to you.

Jack_Perth10 karma

I bought a miele last time thanks to your ama. Best vacuum Ive ever owned or used.

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

It's testimonies like yours that I hope people see, more than my own.

disposable-name15 karma

I saw that video.

touchmyfuckingcoffee18 karma

That's witty.

Plyngntrffc47 karma

What are your thoughts on Roomba/Robotic Vacuums in general?

touchmyfuckingcoffee49 karma

I'm not a big fan of them. But, there are cases when they are practical.

your_inner_monologue25 karma

I had a roomba around the same time my dog was a puppy. He shit on the floor and the roomba proceeded to zamboni the shit around my living room. Good times.

touchmyfuckingcoffee17 karma

This is the main reason I still do not recommend them.

earth-fury18 karma

Could you give some examples of those?

I've been considering getting one for my apartment - Which is all hard floors with only two area rugs. I don't doubt they're pretty bad at deep cleaning carpets, but what about for hard floors?

touchmyfuckingcoffee35 karma

Do you have pets? If you do, I hope you like poop/vomit being drug around the whole house.

They don't clean particularly well, and leave so much undone that you need a conventional vacuum for more thorough cleaning anyway. Or, with just bare floors, you'll need to do a great deal of sweeping also.

ChinookNL27 karma

Shout out to Geoff.

touchmyfuckingcoffee16 karma

What fucking Geoff is everyone referring to? Peterson?

mattsauer8 karma

And have you found ricin-laced cigarettes in any

touchmyfuckingcoffee12 karma

I do not understand this reference.

soapandfoam44 karma

no one ever wants to change bags anymore, so my question is since you say "bag vaccums" are better, why does that Dyson guy always say "my vaccum never loses suction"?

touchmyfuckingcoffee84 karma

A) He's full of shit. That claim refers only to the vacuum not losing suction due to the bin being filled to "capacity".

B) They most certainly do lose suction when the filters get dirty.

caeberllan16 karma

Then you just buy a new filter?

touchmyfuckingcoffee31 karma

Dyson filters are mostly washable, but generally need replacement throughout the life of the vac. Other brands require replaceable filters, which can cost more than bags, in some cases.

Fat_Dietitian38 karma

How dumb are people that buy Kirby vacuum cleaners from the door to door salesmen, and how good is the vacuum they suckered me into buying?

touchmyfuckingcoffee46 karma

Let's not cast stones, now. Those salespeople can be ruthless.

Kirbys are not shit vacuums. They're also not what I would call "great" vacuums. They run a very long time, and they're quite versatile.

But, they are heavy, a pain in the ass to use, lack modern filtration, lack great suction, are expensive to repair, and not at all a bargain.

That being said, I feel more pity for people who buy Shark vacuums more than I do Kirby owners.

jayjayaitch14 karma

I bought a Shark. What's wrong with it? =(

touchmyfuckingcoffee32 karma

I do not like Sharks because they are cheap plastic crap, they break easily, lose suction quickly, and are a nightmare to maintain.

Fat_Dietitian8 karma

My girlfriend bought one of those too. :(

touchmyfuckingcoffee31 karma

Sell it on Craigslist and get a better vacuum.

AATroop51 karma

Yeah, but what does he do with the Shark?

touchmyfuckingcoffee23 karma

I've always been a proponent of recycling trash.

taypat27 karma

Have you attempted to build a vacuum of your own, or modify/improve one?

touchmyfuckingcoffee80 karma

You should check out my Miele Mercury.

disposable-name34 karma

This is the greatest fucking thing I've ever seen.

touchmyfuckingcoffee25 karma

Thanks. I'm quite proud of it.


your carpet looks so fresh

touchmyfuckingcoffee34 karma

It's got some coffee stains.

revsehi4 karma

How much would I have to pay you to make me one just like it?

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

A machine just like mine? That wouldn't be easy, as the model was discontinued, years ago. Coming across a good Mercury is not an easy thing. The conversion, itself, would cost you $200-$300 or so.


What's that white pistol on your wall?

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

It's a ceramic 1911 Colt .45 flower vase.

Troggie4226 karma

So, I'm not going to lie, after a cursory search I didn't see anyone else ask this question but it's entirely possible I completely missed it.

ANYWAY, what kind of vacuum would you recommend for automotive detailing use? I've used common household stuff and shopvacs in the past and none of them seem to give a shit that I'm trying to clean the dirt out of my car.

touchmyfuckingcoffee32 karma

Riccar has a new model out, called The Butler. I'm actually a little excited about this vac. It's a good size, quite powerful, and if they follow the path of the QuickStep, it will even include a little detailing kit, for the car.

Troggie4210 karma

The inclusion of a car detailing kit sounds awesome by itself, I'll have to keep my eyes peeled! Thanks dude!

touchmyfuckingcoffee15 karma

I plan on ordering my first bunch of them this next week.

Troggie4212 karma

With any luck a week from now I'll remember to double check here and ask you if they are awesome. :)

touchmyfuckingcoffee12 karma

I got to toy with one a bit at a local Riccar dealer session. They seem pretty cool.

the_foxy_cow20 karma

I'm a janitor, and we use these Windsors that I often have trouble with (probably because everyone abuses the shit out of them). My question to you is, how would you plan the perfect heist? What would you steal (keep it interesting, no cash money or art work)? And how would you do it?

touchmyfuckingcoffee22 karma

Windsors are good machines, when they're not beat to hell.

Art would be interesting, but not very liquid. Gold is great, but not very portable. Diamonds are portable, but not easy to sell at a value. Cash is so de classe.

I guess I'd want to do a heist Italian Job or Ocean's 11 style. Something complicated. Though, I fear I'd lack enough trust in my team.

the_foxy_cow18 karma

My biggest problem with the Windsors is that after I use the hose part it doesn't switch back to regular vacuum mode very easily. It takes a lot of jiggling/shoving it back in/cursing to make it work sometimes.

I would also do an Oceans 11 style heist. PM me if you are ever assembling a team. If you ever want to steal anything from a medium sized University, lets just say I know a guy who has lots of keys.

touchmyfuckingcoffee22 karma

I used to map out and install security systems. Just sayin'.

annoboy6920 karma

Hey Coffee Vacuum Senpai, what are your thoughts on a Proline Bgl20? And if you hate it, what cheap vacuum do you recommend for students? I'LL BE FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT

touchmyfuckingcoffee24 karma

That is an awfully cheap vacuum. You'd love a Miele bare floor canister. It's pricier, but more expandable in the future, and will last a very long time.

Murgie19 karma

Will you be our new Unidan?

touchmyfuckingcoffee69 karma

I prefer to be my own man, and not walk that path. I liked the guy, but damn.

How about we just talk coffee and vacuums?

zetobyx6 karma

im down. how do you like your coffee? i prefer black.. and i just realized im 17 hours late to this party.

touchmyfuckingcoffee14 karma

You didn't read the text. I said it was an open thread until archival.

I like my coffee like I like my women; thick, black and strong.

Pizzaul15 karma

Thanks for the great AMAs! I'm a fan of buying quality products that will last, and there's not much good common knowledge regarding vacuums, at least not in the gangsta crews I roll in.

You suggest it's best to go to am actual vacuum retailer vs a big box store. How can I tell if I'm getting a good price, or not being pushed to a vacuum that doesn't suit my needs but might turn a great profit for the business?

touchmyfuckingcoffee13 karma

The benefit to going to a dealer is the knowledge of the products they're selling. The guys at the box stores know fuck all about vacuums. Take your research from the other AMAs, and you'll be better armed to pick the right vacuum for you.

carputt12 karma

What would you do if I touched your coffee?

touchmyfuckingcoffee21 karma

Unleash a never-ending series of hellish tortures upon you.

carputt9 karma

So...can I have some coffee?

touchmyfuckingcoffee26 karma

I'm happy to share. Just don't go touching mine.

Klaus_Goldfish5 karma


touchmyfuckingcoffee15 karma

I'll kill you!

loafers_glory12 karma

What is the slider on the tube of my vacuum cleaner for (the one that allows air in and bypasses the head), and when should I use it?

touchmyfuckingcoffee23 karma

That is a variable suction valve. It allows you to reduce suction, so that you can do things like your drapes, without ripping them off the walls, or sucking your bath mat into your nozzle.

loafers_glory6 karma

Ah nice one, thanks. Does it play any role in protecting the fan? Or is that ok to continue running without any flow? (I'm thinking of setting the head down on the carpet for a moment while you move furniture around etc)

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

Yes, you're exactly right. When using a powerbrush head on carpeting, particularly deep pile, it's important to allow some airflow to help cool the motor, as the air going into the vac is used to cool the motor.

mindzipper12 karma

I bought a Miele twist a couple years ago. love it. but last week it clogged somewhere, and I can't get to the clog.

what should I expect a repainman to charge to fix it? and why isn't there easy access to the entire suctioon system?

PS, damn fine vacuum

touchmyfuckingcoffee15 karma

If you take it to a Miele dealer, they'll possibly remove the clog for free. My standard clog removal rate is $20. I couldn't say about your dealer.

mindzipper9 karma

yeah that's the problem I live in Hot Springs, Arkansucks. There is no Miele dealer here. I don't even have a clue where to take it.

touchmyfuckingcoffee13 karma

In that case, look up any vacuum repair shop. When you take it in, be sure to ask if they have experience removing clogs from your vacuum. You do NOT want a moron going through that thing.

In the mean time, go to youtube. I think there are a couple of videos there, which show how to remove clogs from the S7.

mindzipper10 karma

can't believe I didn't think of youtube. lol

Thanks my friend, you've been a great help, and yes, i was concerned about some ding dong trying to fix it. I mean it didn't cost a fortune, but if I remember right it was over $500 but man this thing has been rock solid. The plug is my fault, I carve wood, and my shop vac broke, so i used it to do clean up. even though the wood chips are tiny, combine it with cat hair and well... there it is...


touchmyfuckingcoffee13 karma

Well, you've learned your lesson. There is indeed a difference between residential and industrial vacs.

6Months50Pounds11 karma

I have sort of an unusual situation that you might be able to help with. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and it is currently affecting primarily my hands and shoulders. I have about 700 sq ft of tile, and about 650 sq ft of carpeting in my house. Luckily, no stairs.

Anyway, the RA makes gripping things pretty difficult- hard to close my hands and hard to hold onto things tightly. (I got my vacuums before I got sick, so I didn't know how important this was going to be.) My current vacuum (a Sanitaire Heavy Duty) is pretty heavy to drag back and forth over the carpeting, and even though I feel it does a good job on carpets, it is so hard to get the job done that I find myself not vacuuming as often as I should. When I use it on the tile, though, it just shoots things out the back.

So, I also have a Royal Airopro 2000 vacuum to use on the tiles. (It's the kind that has the stalk & hose and the vacuum follows around behind it.) This is also hard to use because I have to try to maneuver the little guy around behind me and it gets caught up on the cord and doesn't corner very well. It has flipped over on its back like a turtle at times and is generally a huge pain in the ass to use. There also is a sharp plastic thing that is attached to the main stalk that is supposed to hold attachments, but it mostly just cuts up my legs when I'm moving fast and accidentally get too close to it.

Mopping is difficult, too. Lots of gripping and shoulder movement- and I had one of those Floormates from Hoover I got years ago. I don't know if they have gotten better, but it is super heavy and trying to hold down the spray lever and run it back and forth at the same time is almost impossible for me.

So, what would you recommend? I'm thinking something that is lightweight, easily maneuverable and easier for me to use. I know nothing is going to be perfect in my situation, but there has to be something out there easier than this. I really thought a Roomba would be ideal, but it seems like not so much from other things you have said.

Thank you for taking the time to do these- it's very kind of you.

touchmyfuckingcoffee19 karma

A Roomba might be of good use to you, for daily cleaning, and making the deeper cleaning easier. I think a lightweight canister vacuum, with a powerbrush head would be ideal for you. They tend to be much lighter and easier to use, compared to upright vacuums.

costcomiele11 karma

After reading your first two AMAs I took the plunge and bought a Miele from costco (I know, you said no big box stores):

I love this vacuum. It's so much better than the $50 bagless crap I used to buy from walmart.

I couldn't afford a "made in germany" miele and the extra attachments. Have you had any experience with these "made in germany, assembled in china" models? Will this last as long and be as awesome as the regular models?

touchmyfuckingcoffee15 karma

I wasn't aware that they were making models assembled in China. I will have to look deeper into this.

As long as you have the 7 year warranty, you're covered.

greg_reddit10 karma

What's your opinion of central vacs?

touchmyfuckingcoffee13 karma

They're decent systems. Though, I wouldn't recommend a whole house conversion.

greg_reddit9 karma

My house came with one. I like that they don't fill the room with heat and dust smell.

But after 10 years the motor is on its last legs. Wondering whether to fix it or replace with a non-central.

touchmyfuckingcoffee12 karma

It's certainly worth putting a new motor in. The motor cost should be more than $200, and installation can't be that much.

alicization10 karma

Vacuum guy, how long have you been selling vacuums? And, what is the usual price for the vacuum you recommend the most and what is it?

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

I've been working on them longer than selling them. But, I guess I've been selling now for a little more than 2 years.

mrsniperrifle9 karma

I see the entry level Miele starts at about $300. Is that one worth owning?

touchmyfuckingcoffee9 karma

It's a fine vacuum, as long as it meets your needs.

caeberllan9 karma

What is your favourite bagless vacuum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee8 karma

I don't really have one. Perhaps a Filter Queen.

zack_the_man9 karma

Where did you take Walter white? Also what are some of the dumbest things you've seen people have done

touchmyfuckingcoffee35 karma

I have a rich, spoiled customer, who forces her maid to use a $1500 vacuum to pick up baking soda on dog piss/shit.

I charge her quadruple my normal labor rate, and pull out the latex gloves.

EmptySkyline7 karma

How exactly does a vacuum help with piss or shit?

touchmyfuckingcoffee27 karma

It doesn't.

rawrrrrr8 karma


touchmyfuckingcoffee12 karma

I don't think so. I'm quite fond of Panasonics for vacuums in that price range.

tuna_safe_dolphin7 karma

I've been using an Oreck for years. It's pretty solid IMO. What are your thoughts about them? Do you even fix them? The Oreck stores/company seem to dominate the service/repairs for their vaccums. They've done a good job for me.

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

I've fixed many, many Orecks. My biggest problem with Orecks is that they lack the suction to properly clean down through the carpet padding. They were built for motel carpeting with no padding. They're also not the easiest lightweight vacuum to use either.

carputt7 karma

What makes a Dyson vacuum so crappy while being so expensive?

touchmyfuckingcoffee17 karma

Really fucking-expensive marketing....Seeing as they don't pay those Malaysian children anything for their work.

Insert_Blank7 karma

I picked up a brand new oreck at goodwill, it just needed a new belt. Best purchase ever, best vacuum I have ever owned. How do orecks stack up?

touchmyfuckingcoffee35 karma

Well, if that's the best vacuum you've ever owned, you're going to be blown away by all the better vacuums out there.

reboticon7 karma

Do people ever bring you roombas, and if so do you attempt to fix them or just stare at them until they leave?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

Oh, I've fixed a few Roombas. I'm already not the kind of guy to tuck tail, just because I don't know something. I also know how to find out about something, when needed.

reboticon9 karma

Yeah the internet is pretty amazing for any sort of repair technician. It certainly makes my job easier and there are youtube vids for just about anything. On the negative side, there are youtube vids for just about everything.

touchmyfuckingcoffee9 karma

I know that feel, bro.

brinkbart7 karma

Have you heard of, and what is your opinion on the Rainbow cleaning system, manufactured by Rexair? I own one, and have sold them, and they are damn fine machines.

For the benefit of readers, it's a vacuum that uses a bin of water to trap all the dirt and dust you vacuum up. It puts out the cleanest, purest air (that I know of) when compared to anything using solely bags or filters.

The idea is that any bag or filter has tiny holes in them—so air can get through, obviously. But if air can get through so can dust particles, dust mites, dander, etc. and it's all just blown back into your home. But once dirt, dust and dust mites go into the bin of water, they're trapped, and don't get blown back into your air again.

Their marketing is unorthodox, and selling them was uncomfortable ($$$$$$). But in my opinion, the door-to-door aspect of their marketing is extremely incongruent to the quality of these machines, and the good it does for the air in your home. And how much better you sleep. And how much less often you have to dust your furniture. Okay, I'll stop now.

touchmyfuckingcoffee20 karma

Well, I can see you've completely bought into the B.S. sales lines thrown out by Rainbow salespeople.

1) HEPA filter systems filter dander and allergens completely, and all particulates to less than 3/10s of a micron. Water vacuums do not filter thoroughly. If they did, they wouldn't be outfitted with very expensive HEPA filters.

2) Rainbows are difficult to properly maintain, cumbersome to use, have poorly designed accessories, and are disproportionately expensive. They are also expensive to repair and have costly parts.

They simply are not a worthwhile buy, considering their expense, poor design, expense in maintenance, and the quality vacuums available at less than half the cost, which are easier to use, and filter as well.

Oh, and before you go into the bit about how I stay in business by selling bags and filters, let me state now that I make as much repairing Rainbows, and selling their filters and tanks, brush rollers, and everything else as I do any brand.

anynymouse6 karma

Best/worst/oddest findings whilst servicing ?

touchmyfuckingcoffee8 karma

I occaissionaly come across a small piece of jewelry. I've found bullets of various calibers. All sorts of kid and animal toys.

The worst was a customer who insisted on vacuuming up baking soda covered dog shit and piss. I charged quadruple the rate for that.

ZeMysticalTaco6 karma

Do you have walter white in your basement?

touchmyfuckingcoffee16 karma

There is no person here by that name. Am I free to go?

ZeMysticalTaco6 karma


Check the back I don't trust this guy.

touchmyfuckingcoffee16 karma

You better have a warrant.

jjdynasty6 karma

Vacuum recommendation for a church? Lots of thin carpeting, preferably easy to use, and easy to move so anybody can do it. But also on the durable side maybe, because people don't take caste of stuff that isn't theirs. Thanks in advance!

touchmyfuckingcoffee17 karma

How wide is the space between your pews?

WOPMICK11 karma

Don't know why but in my head I read that as dirty talk.

touchmyfuckingcoffee9 karma

seek help...

EnfieldCNC6 karma

What is your opinion of newer vacuums compared to older vacuums in terms of build quality and longevity? I have a couple of older Sears Powermate vacs that are still in use weekly (or more) and I wish I could still get parts for them... speaking of which, when you fix vacuums that are 40+ years old, are you typically able to find modern replacements (generics) for some of the parts? (ie - the little spinning fan discs in the motor area, etc)

touchmyfuckingcoffee8 karma

Some companies are still building quality machines, that will last a good long time, with some maintenance.

Getting parts, for any vacuum that's older than 25 years old, is getting very difficult, these days. With advances in ease of use, filtration, and motor efficiency, it does not make much sense to invest in an old vacuum.

EnfieldCNC3 karma

Thanks for the info. If you had to choose a new vac to buy these days, what would some of the companies be that you would deal with?

touchmyfuckingcoffee13 karma

Three brands you can trust, and by comments in the AMAs are Riccar, Miele, and Sebo.

Flyersfan966 karma

When did you decide that one day you wanted to work on vacuums for the rest of your life?

touchmyfuckingcoffee23 karma

What the hell makes you think I wanted either of those things?

I got the job because I needed one, and had the right skillset. I was a licensed hair stylist when I came upon this. I would like to, one day, figure out how to work for myself, instead of benefiting my bosses.

gmarsh2312 karma

Going from a hairstylist to vacuum cleaner repairman/salesman...

Did that somehow involve a Flowbee?

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

No. I worked as a mechanic, long ago. So, I had the skill to fix most things already.

carputt8 karma

At this point it sounds like you should open your own vacuum shop! Start a kickstarted and post it on reddit, you'll have the money in no time.

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

I've considered it. But, I don't really have a way to incentivise donations.

dWintermut34 karma

You're an internet celebrity, you could have t-shirts or buttons and stuff!

Or offer vacuum advice to people that pledge, like "tell me the size of your house, proportion of flooring materials (like 20% tile 20% wood 60% carpet) and rough budget and I give a personalized recommendation" for like a $25 pledge.

I honestly think you could be on the upside of a big trend, there's an increased appreciation of high-end appliances these days and a backlash against disposable cheap items.

touchmyfuckingcoffee15 karma

Tell ya what. I'll make a post on /r/AskReddit and see what kind of consensus there is for such a thing. That would be a difficult thing to go through, should it fail miserably.

Pardonme234 karma

Start your own vacuum business!

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

A few people have encouraged me to start a Kickstarter campaign to get one going. I think I will take reddit's pulse on the idea before launching one.

Surfsupdudeee6 karma

I have a vax 1000 canister type vacuum. Its one of those dual ones which can wash carpet aswell but i don't use that. After a few mins the vacuum trips the safety switch to the house, Im guessing its drawing too much current and the motor is on the way out as its the original. Saving me the fuck around, are they easy to replace the motor? I havent had a good look as to how it pops out yet

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

I'm sorry to say you might as well throw that Vax away.

Surfsupdudeee5 karma

How come? Parts are still available and the motor is pretty cheap

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

They're not great vacuums to begin with. If you're satisfied with it, and you're not concerned with the cost, and you don't care to have a better vacuum, with a warranty, then by all means, repair your Vax.

Daeurth6 karma

You say bagless vacuums suffer from a loss of suction, but Dyson claims their vacuums do not, in fact, lose suction. How do you respond?

touchmyfuckingcoffee9 karma

The claim by Dyson and others refers only to no loss of suction with regard only to the bin filling to capacity, and it happens to be true. However, all bagless vacuums do indeed lose suction, severely, when their filters become clogged with dust. The filters' replacement costs also can often be more than a year's supply of bags.

discovolunte6 karma

Are Miele the best? I love ours - we were going to get a new carpet but held off given how good a job the Miele does. It's just so...German and good!

Do you think less carpet would be sold if everyone had Mieles?

touchmyfuckingcoffee11 karma

It is my personal opinion that Miele makes the nicest, easiest to use, cleanest, best filtered, largest capacity, and quietest canister vacuums on the market. The only better filtered vacuum is not a consumer level machine, and it's double the price of the most expensive Miele, with filters that cost well over $100.

I use my Miele on carpet, and it does a great job. I sell them to people with full carpeting all the time. While I think people should do away with carpet, I don't see the market diminishing too much in the near future.

kiyobrown3 karma

After reading your previous AMA's, I stopped in and checked out some Miele's. Salesman was all over selling me a Uniq, which had some great features, but is it worth the price tag? Rambler, about 60/40 carpet/hardwood.

Pretty sure you have the only AMA's I have read top to bottom. Entertaining and informative. Thanks.

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

If the price of the Uniq wouldn't put you out, then it's certainly worth it.

That being said, the best package is probably the S8 HomeCare, which is only available through dealers. It's loaded with accessories, which makes cleaning the whole house a breeze. If I wasn't already stocked with accessories, I'd totally buy that one.

kiyobrown5 karma

Thanks for the response. I didn't see the homecare series in the store, but I do see it in the booklet I brought home. Time for some more homework. Thanks again.

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

It's a model you might have to ask about. If your dealer doesn't have one in stock, I'm sure they'd be happy to order one for you.

x---x--x-x5 karma

I just bought a house that is mostly carpeted, my last house had wood floors and we mostly swiffered and used a crummy old Dirt Devil bagless that I kind of hate. The new house is a 4-level split, mostly new plush carpet. I want a great vacuum, I've got up to $400 to spend. Any recommendations?

Also I've heard the Bissell Green Machine kicks ass, what is your opinion on steam cleaners?

touchmyfuckingcoffee9 karma

I loathe Bissell steam cleaners. Just spend the money to rent or hire a professional.

For a place as big as yours, you might want to get a good canister vac that you can carry easily enough up the stairs.

TheVapourRub5 karma

Any suggestions for a hand vacuum for the car?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

Look into the small Fuller Brush or Dirt Devil handhelds. Riccar makes a great shoulder-slung vacuum that works great.

MeinFuhrerICanStand5 karma

What is your opinion of the more recent Hoover wind tunnel vacuums? The ones that have a canister and a washable filter - like this.

They worth the money? Worthless? Any better uprights for that kind of $$?

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

That's a cheap bagless vacuum. If you want a good Hoover Windtunnel, get one of the newly manufactured "classic style" ones that are available. You should be able to get one for $250-$300.

Monskyload4 karma

I once vacuumed up water with my Bag vacuum cleaner, and now whenever I turn it on it makes a bad smell. I've changed the bag but it still makes a horrible smell. What do?

touchmyfuckingcoffee15 karma

Are we talking about a residential vacuum? If so, throw the damned thing away. I mean...really??

de_village_idiot2 karma

What is your opinion on I think it was called a whinchester? They were always blue and silver. Used them when I worked for the hospital.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

I am not familiar with the brand. I will see if I can learn more about it.

Basturd2 karma

what do you think about HYLA ?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

I am not a fan. They require too much maintenance by the owner, they're expensive to repair, and they are not as simple to use as better vacuums.

SailorWho2 karma

I have lots of cat hair and a small carpeted apartment.. Whats a good buy for under $100?

touchmyfuckingcoffee4 karma

There is no good option for less than $100 new.

starwarsyeah2 karma

I have two questions for you. First off, my maximum budget for a vacuum cleaner was around $200, so I bought a barely used Shark Rocket for $120. I have a dog who sheds like you wouldn't believe, and a set of stairs covered by carpet. I got the Rocket because it's lightweight and the dog loves laying on the stairs, so they are a pain in the ass. So far, I'm loving it. YouTubers showed that it was comparable to Dyson for less than half the cost, so I feel like I got a deal. What is your opinion on this brand?

Also, I have a coworker who swears by her $3,000 Rainbow vacuum cleaner. She argues that the water it uses works as a better filter than anything else. Her husband has crazy allergies, so I'm inclined to believe her, and it's hard not to believe that a $3,000 vacuum isn't fairly decent. What are your thoughts on Rainbows?

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

I am not a fan of either brand.

I do not like Sharks because they are cheap plastic crap, they break easily, lose suction quickly, and are a nightmare to maintain.

I do not like Rainbows because I think they are too clumsy, difficult to maintain, require too much maintenance from the owner, and requires an expensive filterset. There are easier to use vacuums that have just as good suction and filtration.

FalconPUNNCH2 karma

I have a Bissell Heated shampooer that has terrible suction with the attachments. I checked the tubing and all of the valves the air goes through, and can't seem to find why the pressure gets so bad, any ideas?

touchmyfuckingcoffee1 karma


survivalofthe_fiddes2 karma

What vacuum would you recommend for someone with majority carpet (main level hardwood) an absolute ton of stairs, and 1 cat?

touchmyfuckingcoffee1 karma

If you've got that many stairs, I'm going to go unothodox and recommend 2 vacuums for you.

A good Miele canister to handle the hardwood and the carpets, and a Miele QuickStep. It's basically a stick vac on steroids with great suction, a 7 year warranty, and a very long cord, just for doing stairs.

This is not a cheap option. But, it will meet ALL of your needs, for many years to come.

phrazel2 karma

Do vacuum cleaners work well on tile? I have n ll tile floor and sick or sweeping.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

You'd love a bare-floor canister vacuum.

ascalonian_archer2 karma

Saw you weren't too keen on shop vacs, but it seemed like you meant for carpets. I've heard a shop vac is pretty good for homes with all wooden floors, especially for getting rid of pet hair since there aren't bristles/agitators to clog with the hair. Is this true? If not, what's good for pet hair on wood floors that won't do a shitty job with pet hair on carpets if you move to a carpet-laden place later on?

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

Any canister vacuum will work better on bare floors than a shop vac, and won't sound like a jet aircraft in your home. They also have better filtration.

Chubby_T2 karma

I was one of those people who purchased a Dyson upright, and I regret my decision every single time I vacuum. Would you mind recommending a cheap-ish canister vacuum for getting under the bed and crevices? Meiele is out of the question right now, given the $$$ I shelled out for the Dyson.

touchmyfuckingcoffee1 karma

A decent bagged canister vac should suffice until you can invest in something more substantial.


What do you think of the Simplicity line? My local vacuum store swears by them, and say you won't need another vacuum for 25 years or more. I can't help but feel as if the price and their commission plays a large factor though

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

Simplicity are very good vacuums. They are made by the Tacony corporation; The same company that makes Riccar. Many of the same parts that go into Riccars. I think they are assembled in China, rather than the US, like Riccar vacuums.

They are easy to maintain, have good suction, and good life spans. Though, I think 25 years is quite a stretch.

KayJayOkay2 karma

Have you ever encountered an old Nilfisk? I heard that they almost went bust once, because the build quality was so good that weren't any return customers? I remember we had one my entire childhood, and it was probably just in its retirement period..

touchmyfuckingcoffee1 karma

Nilfisk are great vacuums, but above consumer grade for the most part. They are very reliable, though not that tremendously great.

They aren't readily available in the states, and few people like me know how to work on them. I've only personally worked on 2 of them.

I will say this: If someone has very severe asthma or allergies, there is no better vacuum. Not even Miele. Though, I don't know that the expense justifies it.

WeOwntheNightX1 karma

Which vacuum brand has the best suction for, you know, 'Having Fun' with?

I mean which one is the best to stick your penis in?

touchmyfuckingcoffee9 karma

Don't do that. There's women out there, in the world.


Have you ever put your dick in a vacuum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

No. I've always had a healthy sex life.

ShakeMyJunk-5 karma

Have you ever/will you ever use a vacuum as a sexual aid?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

No. I date women, not vacuums.

immelol4-6 karma

How Disciplined are you?

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

I have my faults like everyone.

immelol4-8 karma

you should check out /r/disciplined, that really helped me get my head straight

touchmyfuckingcoffee16 karma

You should go fuck yourself, you racist piece of shit.