IAmA female sex shop clerk in the rural South. AMA

How big is the biggest dildo in the shop? Also, what's your favorite porn title? I like Womb Raider.

the biggest dildo that we carry is the Great American Challenge (the non-vibrating version) but my boss swears we used to have a bigger one. I like "I Wanna Buttfuck your Daughter" because it's the worst line ever to use on anyone, and I also found "Black Thai Affair" to be quite clever. my friend wants to make "Call of Booty: Back Dat Ass Ops"

WHOA:

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1cj04y/parents_of_reddit_what_is_the_weirdestmost/c9h1fk0

O_O

How large is it exactly?

15 inches long (shaft only, not counting balls) and about as big around as the widest part of my forearm.

But... How?

There is a reason I don't ask questions

Is that a wii remote being used for size comparison in the right half of the pic?

No, it's a corded remote control. They allow you to power small egg-shaped vibrators (like the type you put inside a bigger sleeve or a toy like the GAC) with AA or AAA batteries instead of watch batteries.

Erica??

JACK?!

Nope lol

Me neither.

Did you or a coworker find a dead duck on the doorstep of the shop on Halloween morning, 2009? If so, my friends and I are really sorry about that.

dude, fuck that duck. I know what it did

Who was your favorite customer/group of customers? And why?

There is one older guy who buys a lot of porn from us. He's hilarious and really sweet. always talks about how this one particular mannequin keeps making inappropriate comments towards him and it's making him very uncomfortable. one time someone was creeping on me and he made a hilarious show of putting his arm around me (he's about three times my age) and telling dude that he should back off unless he likes it up the ass from strap-ons in which case he'd be happy to watch. Just a funny pleasant old man with no one else to talk to. His health is poor, so there's no telling how much longer he'll be with us. :(

edited: so as not to identify anyone

That is honestly the most touching story I have ever heard which involved threatened strap on fucking

/r/nocontext

edit: http://www.reddit.com/r/nocontext/comments/1cs9cn/that_is_honestly_the_most_touching_story_i_have/

What's the most anyone has ever spent in your store? What did they purchase?

Someone once ordered a full-size rubber torso. At cost it was $1049 and we ended up charging $1600 for it. The guy wouldn't let us test the vibrating function (which is store policy since all toys are non-refundable) and paid cash. Never saw him again.

Wait. Torso?

It's like a Fleshlight, but more...extensive.

I think the creepiest part of this is the lack of limbs.

You can also buy asses, legs, heads, and tits with built-in vaginas.

God, I actually saw the tits-with-vagina thing on amazon. Creeped me out. This it?

that's it! We actually sell that one pretty regularly.

Thats now in my history. Thanks

Shoulda known better than to click a link like that in a thread like this

Hang on, so no body can return faulty items? Or did i understand you wrong? ie, is there a sale of goods act in the south?

It's against the health code in Tennessee to accept returns on any "novelty" item for any reason. We have a policy of checking everything; we test all vibrators for functionality, all pumps for suction, that type of thing. But sometimes it breaks as soon as they get it home or something and they're shit out of luck, there's nothing we can do.

Oh Tennessee! Somewhere on I-40?

Close. not too far out of Knoxville.

How often do you get prank calls to the store. As a middle school boy I remember calling Sex Shops all the time as a joke!

haha pretty frequently. I usually kick it up a notch--i.e. if they say "Got any butt plugs?" I say "Oh I was hoping someone would ask, because we have a bet going on here to see who can take the biggest one and I was hoping I could get someone to try the Colossus." That usually either gets them to hang up or devolves into hilarity, and no one loses.

"Got any butt plugs?"

This is not a serious call? Am I supposed to ask for something else when I'm calling to see what butt plugs you have in stock?

It was a simplified example. There's a certain tone of voice prank callers tend to take, also you can usually hear laughing in the background. I usually assume most calls are serious until proven otherwise, but sometimes you can just tell.

Ahhhh well I can totally picture this I guess..

Caller: "Do you have any.. ^{teeheehehe ppffpf} ..buttplugs?"

Pretty much that exactly. most prank callers are not all that smooth.

Hah... that's a job I did for awhile. Do you get the creepy guys phoning in asking you to describe how to use certain items, too?

Dude, all the time. We've stopped taking calls from a couple of numbers and we now have a policy that says never to answer questions about products over the phone.

It deeply disturbs me that this is a thing...

I know dude. I'm like...buy a sex line. I don't get paid enough for this

What do most people buy? Have they not heard of free porn on the internet?

I wonder about that a lot! I mean, most of the people who buy porn are older, but sometimes younger people come in and pay good money! For shitty porn! I don't get it, but I'm not about to try to talk them out of boosting my commission.

Do you have more men or women frequent the shop?

Men, definitely. We make most of our money off porn and enhancer pills, which are mostly bought by men. I'd say it's about a 3 to 1 ratio, not counting couples.

That honestly surprises me. My husband is way too uncomfortable in those places but I have no problem so I go in for whatever we need. With the free Internet it just surprised me how many men still by DVDs. Huh. I have to twist his arm to get him in there for an opinion or to pick out a sexy lingerie because he's afraid of being judged.

I usually hear the opposite. I don't know if that's this region or what, but most often if one member of a couple won't come in, it's the girl, and the guy is at a total loss as to what she wants because "she just wants a vibrator, what's the best one you got?" It's quite sad really.

Guys actually buy those dick pills?

All the fucking time. I sold at least 20 today. Some of them apparently work.

Damned interesting. I thought it would be closer to being a 1:2 (men/women) and I haven't got a reason why, now that I think about it. Is the shop more geared to that ratio? I also have it in my head that there are far more lady products then man products. I would assume that is wrong now.

Hmm. that depends. As far as solo toys, yes, there are a lot more female-specific products; our dildo/vibrator stock is about 5x the size of our pocket pussy stock. I think that is because women are pickier than men, honestly, but women do buy more solo toys that men do.

As I said, we make a lot of money off DVDs, magazines, and enhancement pills (non-prescription boner makers). If it wasn't for lonely old men we wouldn't exist. I also think it's because some people buy 10 DVDs a week while you should ideally only have to replace your vibrator once a year or less.

edited for grammar

If the DVDs run for an hour and a half and they get 10 a week; that's 15 hours of spanking material! These guys would have to be able to shake a shake weight into pieces! Thanks for answering my questions, an eye opener and a gate out of my mundane night.

We have one dude who drops over 100 bucks every time he comes in, which is about every couple of weeks. It's all dvds--usually ends up being between 10 and 20 of them. Either that's all he does or he hasn't seen them all, but he must have thousands.

I live all of 3 minutes away from your store; literally the only one I've ever been in in my life and I immediately recognized it from the pictures. Nice place.

We may have met.

What is the craziest interaction with a customer you have ever had?

Hmm, hard to say. One that sticks out is the man who smelled like hadn't bathed in three weeks and had been chain-smoking the whole time. He asked me where he could find "them duck lips" and after some hand motions I realized he was talking about a gynecological speculum. I told him we didn't have any, and he seemed genuinely taken aback. Then he propositioned me.

fairly frequently I'll get phone calls about products and halfway through describing the fleshlight or whatever I'll realize they've been jerking off the whole time. Because of that we can no longer discuss products on the phone.

Mostly people are just startlingly honest with me, which is sometimes touching, sometimes creepy, and sometimes just...tmi.

edit: I just remembered this one time that a couple came in right before Xmas. she was ordering him around and saying extremely demeaning crap to him like "I can't believe how perverted you are" and "God, what kind of sick bastard would want one of those?" he was loving every second of it too, all smiles. It wasn't til I saw the collar he was wearing that I realized they were a dom/sub couple. anyway, she berated him while he picked out a pocket pussy, then they came up to the counter and she started talking to me about how much of a nuisance he was, how he was making her spend all this money on a toy when he couldn't even get it up to have sex with her. then she asked me if I would smack him across the face for her, and he got this big grin on his face. I had to politely tell her that I'm not allowed to touch the customers (which isn't true but I say that a lot when people get creepy) and she was like "but look at him, doesn't he deserve to be smacked?" needless to say it got weird fast. Fortunately someone else came in right then, and they started acting like a regular couple, thanked me, and left.

tl;dr domme tries to make me spank her sub

Damn. I'm in a D/s relationship, and that honestly sounds a bit intense even for me.

yeah, same here. :/ It honestly didn't look all that healthy to me, but it's not my place to judge.

As long as the guy is enjoying it, it's perfectly healthy. A lot of people are really into humiliation. Being talked to that way is taboo, and it makes them feel naughty, I guess. I like a bit of humiliation, but I have a very fragile self-image, and so I wouldn't be able to handle it in front of people. Public humiliation is really intense.

Yeah, I guess so. Something about it just seemed off, and that's speaking as someone who likes to get called names that would send my dear sweet grandmother into immediate cardiac arrest. But again...no judgment here.

Your first couple days working there, did everything shock you? Did you have a hard time talking to customers?

A little bit, yeah. At first it was kind of awkward (and still is) to describe the function of a cock ring to a shy couple in their 50's. But honestly I've always been pretty open, so I took most of it in stride. After a while everything normalizes, and I'm a fairly matter-of-fact person anyway. dildos are like furniture to me now, and barely anything surprises me these days.

Ever bought anything for yourself?

Dude, hell yeah. I get a 30% discount, are you kidding? Plus sometimes I get freebies, like a sample pack of lube or something.

can we get discounts?

edit: maybe

Only if I show my dick, right? Oh okay.

Idk, you should try it and see what happens.

I've known plenty of females who think that guys are pathetic for owning a pocket pussy yet own a collection of dildos and vibrators. Just curious as to what your thoughts on that are.

That's stupid. Everyone has a right to whatever toys make them happy, and equal rights are only equal if everyone has them. I tried to buy my boyfriend a Fleshlight, but he said he wouldn't use it. Go figure.

I've tried to explain to them that sticking your dick in a fleshlight is no different than them sticking a dildo in themselves. I've been told that its different because their fingers can't get that deep but our hand can handle the whole shaft. My favorite response though was that the only guys who get fleshlights are desperate and that is why it's pathetic. I've personally always wanted to try one but just can't justify spending the money.

Man, some chicks are sexist. :/ that makes me mad. there's clearly no difference here and that is just idiocy and bad logic on their parts.

There are other, cheaper sleeves you can get. I've heard the fleshlight is the best one, but obvs I do not have a penis so I cannot verify. MAKE SURE YOU USE LUBE THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. also clean it regularly.

"Clean it regularly."

This is something people need to be told?

............................yes.

what's your favorite kind of muffin?

Blueberry! the kind with the crumbly cinnamon on top. I also have a really big thing for the weird flax muffins that are more grainy/hearty than sweet.

The first muffins you mentioned are specifically my favorite. I'd get them for Christmas breakfast when I was little.

I have wet dreams about those muffins.

That crumbly cinnamon stuff is the best thing ever

If I could snort it without destroying my nasal cavities I probably would

What's it like to be the town pariah?

Hah, I don't get much of that. I live in a slightly more progressive area than I work in, so I've never had my house tp'ed or anything. Sometimes I get righteous'd at by people who are shopping in the store, which...doesn't really make sense to me.

Do you ever have underage teens come in to buy things and bust them?

not as often as you might think, but yes. we can get in a lot of trouble for that, but they usually bolt as soon as they realize they're under suspicion. Which is good because we don't really have a way to make them leave if they don't do so willingly.

Not a question, but your hand writing is amazing.

Thanks! :D I take pride in it.

Is it less awkward for everyone if a customer just walks in, picks item, pays then leaves? I figure people who try and joke about their presence just make it worse.

Honestly yes. :p I mean, I make jokes all the time, but some people are really obnoxious about it. I don't really care one way or the other, honestly. After a while it stops being all that awkward for me. I say "cock ring" at least 10 times a day, so it loses its shock value.

Nah, I mean like I imagine a lot of first timers go in and are like "this is for a friend" or blah blah blah. That seems like it would be annoying to you and probably be easier on your day, and less embarrassing for the buyer to just pay and leave without interaction.

It can be. Everyone thinks they're the first person to ever buy a vibrator or that I desperately need to hear this story about how their toddler found their butt plug.But if someone has genuine questions to ask I like to help them find what they are looking for.

Ever date one of the customers?

Haha, no. Not for lack of trying on their part. I've had a steady boyfriend since before I started working here, which doubles as a convenient out for creepy situations.

I'd say you're in a situation where people are willing to talk more openly about sex. So the average guy on the street does want to ask you out, they're just shy in comparison to when they're in a sex shop. :-)

:) that's really sweet! you made my night.

No one's ever seemed more excited when you pull the boyfriend card on them? Like, they're more turned on by the concept of your boyfriend watching/participating?

No, oddly enough, that's never happened. I have been propositioned by quite a few couples, though. Mostly as a team, but on one notable occasion, he waited until she was across the room, then made a move. A few minutes later he wandered off and she waited until he was across the room, then made a move.

What is the most expensive vibrator you sell?

The Lelo Soraya at $199.99. Like all Lelos, it is SO worth it.

why are Lelos so much better?

They're specially designed by scientists as far as shape and vibration, and they are much better made, as in they last much longer and retain top functioning for longer. Think the difference between a Chrysler and a Lamborghini.

I had a friend who worked at a pretty "high end" sex shop in Frederick, MD. It had backrooms with porn vids. He had some stories... Since Frederick is so close to Baltimore, he had a LOT of visitors of high-end clientele like congressmen, mayors, you name it. If we were still friends, I'd get him to do an AMA. Have you ever dealt with anyone profile like that?
He said the most funny/interesting part was that he'd see a lot of married guys who'd go and watch gay videos in the back.

Also, in reference to the 'great american challenge' I haven't read the whole thing, but have you sold any of them? And if so, how small/large was the girl/guy? heh.

No, there's not too many people around here who have any sort of rank. Ron Jeremy did try to fuck me once, but that has nothing to do with where I work.

Yes! I see a lot of professional-looking dudes with wedding rings who buy gay porn. As for the GAC, we've had 16 of them come and go from the shop. Most often it's old men, or young guys who say it's a gag gift. Again... I don't ask questions.

Yeah, we're gonna need a story on that Ron Jeremy bit.

He was giving a talk at my university, I was writing a story for the school paper, I asked if he would sign my panties, he signed my tits also, then kissed me full on the mouth and asked if I wanted to come back to his hotel room. I considered it. He was extremely charming for a short fat hairy 58-year-old. But I decided I would prove nothing and probably think less of myself if I did, plus I had a boyfriend. Still have the panties, and the card with his room number on it.

How did you get the job?

My boyfriend's roommate's girlfriend was the manager.

What's your favorite toy in the shop?

The Lelo Ina.

I've wondered about this for awhile now.
Why do you suppose it is that people still use sex shops over the internet? With discrete shipping options and free porn what is it that keeps the sex shops appealing to people?

The friendly and informative salespeople, of course. Some people like to get their information from a person and not wikipedia. And also you can look at and touch what you are buying before you spend money on it.

Is the tooth-to-tattoo ratio of your customers as dismal as I'm imagining?

(Not a very serious question, just getting things started.)

actually...in some cases it's pretty bad. My imagination has pretty much developed iron-clad defense mechanisms, because I used to imagine everyone using what they bought as a matter of human interest. Now I pretend I'm selling silverware or something.

What happens when we die?

You die. Your brain stops functioning and whatever you call "me" stops existing. It's like going to sleep. Nothing to be scared of.

How would someone size themselves for latex clothing?

Most of it works on normal measurements. Our corsets normally go by bust size since they are adjustable. As for the skintight stuff, I'd honestly get it from a specialty place, not from a sex shop. Most of our stuff is not very well-sized. :/

Has there been an increase in interest since the rise of 50 Shades of Grey? I was in a sex shop recently and I saw that there was a 50 Shades merch line, in addition to the books, near the bondage section. (I only facepalmed a little.)

Totally has. We sell more toys in general, way more BDSM toys, and about 300 times the number of "ben wa balls" also known as Kegel balls. They're a training tool to make your pelvic floor stronger but apparently they're extremely erotic in the book so we used to have like 2 sets in the store but now we have an entire rack of them.

Two questions:

• How's your recovery going?

• Seeing as how you said "the rural South," does your store sell inflatable sheep?

Well. And as a matter of fact, yes. I'd give you a picture but we're all sold out right now. We sell this and a female version that I can't find online.

Not really a question, but as a semi-kinky guy also living in the south, I just want to tip my hat to you for doing [insert-deity-of-your-choice]'s work.

heh. someone's gotta do it, and I'm not local, so I don't have anything invested in my reputation here. might as well be me. plus I find it fun.

Do your family and friends know? What do they think about your job?

Yes. My friends either think it's awesome or haven't said differently. My dad is cool with it, my mom is really sheltered and shy about these things but it has never come up. It's on my facebook page so I assume she knows. Honestly I've never gotten a negative reaction. Most people are like "That's awesome!" or "Of course, you would work there."

This looks like the one I used frequent in lower AL...?

nope, we're in TN. I visited the part of Florida near Gulf Shores, AL once and saw a store with the same name and same sign design. Which is odd because we are a local company with only 7 stores in the surrounding region. I'm not sure what's going on with that.

How hard is it not to be judgmental with some of the weird pathetic stuff guys will buy?

You get used to it. I'm pretty good at keeping a straight face. I know I have some kinks that would make most people at least raise an eyebrow, and I remember that whenever I sell a tub of lubricant and Belladonna's rubber hand to an unmarried middle-aged man. I'm more likely to be sad for people who clearly have lonely unfulfilled lives than I am to judge them.

Although this one time I did sell "Flat-Chested Little Girls" (all 18+, of course) to a fidgety fellow who kept insisting it was a gag gift for a friend. Every once in a while you do get a customer that gives you the willies.

Is your username a Shakespearean reference?

Yes.

I want to not believe that you didn't walk into that store with that post-it for this, so I won't. Is that Inserection? Rural south, or deep south?

Is what Inserection? I've never even heard of that. Appalachians, so not the deep south. Think more like hill people. ever seen Rango? yyeaaahhhh....

Idk if your from the area but Asheville is really awesome!

I'm from just over the mountain in the Tri-Cities, actually. I love Asheville!

Do you sell a lot of those "male enhancement" products? And have you had any customers tell you they actually work?

Yes! And yes! The most popular/reportedly effective ones are LibiGrow and Stiff Nights which apparently both make you a rock-hard Energizer Bunny for three days, but unfortunately so many people counterfeit them that neither is currently being made. :(

I don't know about the quality of the other stuff, but I wouldn't trust most of them. Placebo effect and all.

What is the most erotic thing in the shop?

I suppose that would be a matter of personal preference.

I'm sure all sex shops look the same, but I'm pretty sure I was in this one last week. I heard Sunday afternoons after church are the busiest for sex shops, is there any truth to that?

Not really, but we do get a fair amount of guilty, well-dressed, non-eye-contact-making middle-aged couples.