Goldentongue

Did you or a coworker find a dead duck on the doorstep of the shop on Halloween morning, 2009? If so, my friends and I are really sorry about that.

I'm 87% certain you're adopted.

So, after reading the rest of your comments, it seems your shop is located in Tennessee, so it's not the same place, as I live in adjacent state.

On the night of October 30, 2009, I was hanging out with two other friends at one friend's house. He lived right across the street from the two large ponds in their neighborhood. One friend was drunk, one was a little bit tipsy, and I was kind of high. After his mom went to sleep we decided we'd enact some justice on a male duck that had violently been raping and even killing some of the smaller ducks. One friend had a shovel, another had a pellet gun, and I had a weed pipe. We first decide to walk out on this dock on the pond, but the wood was rotted and my friend's foot broke through it and actually cut him pretty badly, so we washed it off with some fresh clean pond water and went back to the shore.

At one point while walking around trying to find the target duck, a car pulled up an a middle age man walked out toward us. I was terrified as fuck, as here we were, three high schoolers walking around a suburban neighborhood at 1am with weed, a shovel, and a pellet gun, and I was prepared to start sprinting. But one of my friends who is rather adept at making instant buddies with complete strangers started talking to the man, and it turned out the guy was just looking for his teenage son who he had gotten in an argument with earlier that night and had ran out of the house and not yet returned. I felt pretty bad for the guy, and he was too concerned with his own issues to care what we were doing. He left after we told him we hadn't seen anyone.

We walked around the pond some more, and finally saw the duck a few feet from shore. My friend shot it several times with the pellet gun, the first couple shots being disturbingly non-lethal as the duck flapped around in pain. It soon fell still however, and we used the shovel to make enough waves to push the body to shore. At first my friends blundered around with trying to pick the dead duck with the shovel and put it into a trash bag, but I soon became impatient and mumbling something about them being unable to clean up their own damn mess I walked over, pulled the duck out of the pond barehanded, and put it in the bag, despite them protesting with claims that I was going to catch a disease.

We now had a dead duck in a bag, my friend's mom's minivan, and no place to dispose of the body. We drove down the small highway south of town for a few miles until one of us (I'm not sure who, though I'm more than happy to take credit for it) had the bright idea of leaving it on the front step of the sex shop up ahead. My friend jumped out and dropped the bag in front of the door. Thinking that the bag would remove the comedic effect of the delivery, and provide them too easy of a way to dispose of the carcass, I had my friend circle back around so I could cut the bag open and dump the body out by itself. We drove away into the night, all laughing but silently hoping there was no evidence left to convict us of our murder most fowl.

We tend to think their reasons for applying the ordinance now was because of the Alabama v Clemson football game

As someone who went to Alabama and knows the crowd this game will bring in, as well as lived in San Francisco last year when they hosted the Super Bowl and began their crackdown on homeless encampments, this is 100% the reason for a sudden strictness of the policy. The grand irony of this is doing under the guise of health and safety when the rate of food poisoning to cooked food is so substantially lower than the rate of injury to football players. For these same reasons, my sister who worked in the sky boxes at Bama wasn't allowed to bring home leftover untouched boxes of pizza after everyone had just spent 3 hours watching college kids bash their skulls against each other.

Thanks for doing what you do to treat other humans like actual humans, and for being willing to put up a fight over it.

For what it's worth, he talks a big game, but it's pretty much all bunk.

http://www.snopes.com/crime/statistics/ausguns.asp