Due to a reply I made to a comment last night, I figured this would be a good place to do this sort of thing since a lot of people seem to want to know more about losing a child.

I made this comment last night.

When I woke up this morning my inbox was full of PMs and replies. So here it's is ask me anything and I will answer to the best of my abilities.

EDIT: 2:30PM- I need to leave for now, we're going to a Christmas dinner, but I will be back to answer your questions when I get back.

EDIT: 10:00PM- I've been back since 8 and I think I got to all questions I missed while I was gone, I would like to thank everyone for all your well wishes, comments and just general interest in a morbid topic such as this. I didn't expect to get such a wonderful response to this. I will be around for a couple more hours to answer more questions and will check it in the morning once I go to bed.

EDIT: 2:00AM- If I get any over night I will answer them in the morning. Thanks again everyone for making this AMA a wonderful (although emotional) experience for me. I will leave you with a picture of Nick if anyone wants to know what he looks like. Good night everyone. :)

Comments: 182 • Responses: 91  • Date: 

rockbottomm53 karma

First off I'm going to start with the story of my sons death since I know that's what some people are going to ask. Rather then re-write it I made a post on what would have been his first birthday so if you don't mind I'm going to copy and paste it here:

EDIT: I didn't realize how long my post from that day was, I'm sorry I had to break it up I didn't know Reddit had a 10,000 character limit.

Today is Nickolas’s hypothetical 1st birthday is today and my feelings of grief overwhelm me like it was the day he passed away all over again. I cannot believe it’s already been that long since that Thursday, May 21st 4:25pm, that my water broke on my way to go pick up my mom from work. Which by the way he was so special he was even born on his due date.

I can remember that day like it was yesterday, that ecstatic feeling of knowing that after 9 long months my waiting was finally almost over and I would soon be with my precious miracle son. I called everyone I could think of and I posted it on facebook for anyone I couldn’t get a hold of. I couldn’t sleep that night knowing that he could come at any moment, the little sleep I did get was spent dreaming about what he was going to be like and everything that I was going to be able to do with him.

When I got to the hospital the next morning and they put me on the drip I got so excited to know that you would be arriving shortly. But then things went wrong, I suddenly got really intense back labour it lasted for 12 hours before I finally requested for an epidural, they tried 5 times and once the guy tapped some of my spinal fluid, it finally took a little bit and the pain went away. I then discovered that there was something much more going on inside of me, the pain from the back labour was masking something much worse. I got this intense pain and pressure in my pelvic area and it was at that point that I knew something wasn’t right. I begged the nurses to get the doctor in the room because I wanted to have a c-section, they told me to settle down and do my breathing. I was crying uncontrollably from the pain and the feeling that something was wrong and I begged, pleaded, and swore for someone to do something about it. I knew it was my first child but I also knew that after having an epidural that I shouldn’t be feeling pain like this.

This went on all through the night, 11hrs went by before my midwife finally showed up to check up on me, I told her what was going on and it was only her that listened to me and she got the request for an operating room. With in 20 minutes I was in the OR awaiting my c-section. We were waiting for the surgeon to show up, when he finally arrived the OB/GYN had to take off for another woman in labour, so I was again made to wait. She finally got back but we were waiting on another anesthetist to drive from home, that took an hour. Everyone was finally in the room and things were getting underway, I had to get a spinal tap if I wanted to be awake for the procedure. The anesthetist tried 20 times to drive that 15 cm long needle into my spine but to no avail he couldn’t get the right spot. I began crying hysterically because I knew what that meant for me. I didn’t even bother counting backwards as the doctors placed the mask upon my face, I lay there warily with tears rolling down the side of my face and wept until I was plunged into eternal darkness. All I could think of while I was waiting for the inevitable sleep that would over come me is “this is not how I planned things, this is not how I imagined the end of my pregnancy would be.” What I didn’t know was that what to come when I woke up was much worse than the impending “doom” I was about to slip into.

rockbottomm25 karma

It took all of 45 minutes to get the c-section over and done with, when I came too from the dreamless nightmare I could see the nervous, saddened, worried, troubled, depressed, and bleak look on my mother’s face. The next sentence would crush my heart in two, my midwife slowly walked up to my bed “you had a beautiful 7lb baby boy but…” my shattered heart sank “it took us 3 minutes to revive him but he’s safe in the NICU.” Even though I was half asleep still my mind was racing, and to tell you the truth the first thing I did was in my mind told God to go f*** himself. The only thing I wished my whole pregnancy was for a healthy baby, I didn’t wish for certain looks or super smartness I just wanted to have a healthy baby, my life had been pretty awful up to this point and being pregnant with Nickolas was the only thing that had made me happy in a long time. Now here I am cut from hip to hip, half awake, with my whole world falling from beneath me.

When I was finally fully awake the doctor came into talk to us, apparently according to them Nickolas’s lungs were under developed so they had given him some steroids to help make his lungs stronger. I was devastated, this wasn’t supposed to happen he’s MY baby I had a perfect pregnancy so therefore I was to have a perfect baby. It was almost 12hrs before they would let me go see Nickolas. I spent hours in that NICU talking to him telling him to get better so we could leave, and if I wasn’t there I was downstairs smoking. My dad’s health coverage had recently gotten rid of paying for private room, so, I was forced to stay in the Maternity Ward with the other mothers. It was hour after hour as women and their babies sat in their beds feeding, singing, and playing with their babies. Every noise shattered my heart into even smaller pieces. Although it was very much her fault I even snapped at one woman who let her baby cry for 20 minutes, “doesn’t she know how lucky she is?” “I would kill to hear my son cry never mind get to hold him and rock him to sleep” “how would she feel if she was in my shoes?”, and finally I told her to make her child stop crying (I feel horrible about it now), she ended up transferring in the middle of the night to a different room in the ward. Another woman who came into the room didn’t stay to long because she couldn’t handle my crying and talking to my partner in the middle of the night because God forbid I show emotions because I couldn’t sleep and could only think of why I didn’t have my baby and everyone else did.

Two days went by with nothing getting better, they did numerous tests on Nickolas, all but what we would find out later to be the most important test of them all. Finally 3 days after Nickolas was born a Neonatologist (fancy word for someone who only studied babies and young children) decided that after everything they had done there was nothing more they could do so Nickolas was to be sent to SickKids Hospital in Toronto Ontario. I cried, he was to leave later that day with the transport team, but I couldn’t go with him! My 3 days old baby boy was going to a city 5hrs away and I couldn’t be there to comfort him. Three days went by before we were finally able to leave Sudbury, and I’m glad in our absence my aunt who lived nearby was able to go on keep him company. It was 11:30 by the time we go into Toronto and to the hospital. In those three days I had been away he’d grown so much but he was still in the same condition.Nick was going to be a week old in a half an hour, but none of that would matter when the phone rang at 7 o’clock in the morning and the doctor picked up. I didn’t think I had any heart left to break but again I was wrong.

We got ready as fast as we could and hurried to the hospital, I knew I wasn’t going to like what the doctor had to say but never in a million years did I ever think I would hear what I hear next. “Your baby could die at any moment,” was the jest of what the doctor said, we went into her office and looked at the scans and they were worse than we could have ever imagined.

rockbottomm28 karma

That spinal curve was killing my son slowly and could cause him to die without any notice at all. Every day there after I worried that I would get that dreaded phone call to come say my final goodbye to Nickolas because he would be on his way to be slid into a freezer.

For the next couple days my mind raced, all sorts of questions buzzed through my head. The biggest question in my head was “how can I save my baby boy’s life?” Unfortunately the answer didn’t come easily, it came with three options “He would die,” “he wouldn’t die and improve,” “he wouldn’t die but it would have not made any difference.”

My heart was heavy my mind was numb, that combined with the lack of sleep we got made me want to crawl into a corner and die! The Ronald McDonald House where we were staying is a place where seriously ill children and their families stay when they are a patient at SickKids, we created friendships there and because everyone was always going through something stressful we stayed up and talked till all hours of the night, the days seemed to blend together and the only reason you knew it was Saturday and Sunday was because the hospital halls were desolate.

The doctors wanted me to put Nick in palliative care and let him pass away slowly. They didn’t even want to try to help my son one little bit. As a mother I couldn’t just sit back and watch my son die, I had to do everything possible to try to help him, I had to give him the best fighting chance at life. The neurosurgeon, we’ll just say he could have learned a thing or two about compassion, after 5 days of arguing with him (one person even overheard him saying something about having to be in surgery for hours bent over) finally agreed to do the surgery. I had to assure them that I knew the risks of what was about to be done, so I told them “I know my son might not even make it to the operating table, I know my son might not even make it out of surgery, I know my son might never get better, but I have to try to give him every opportunity in life possible, and if by chance he dies then at least you have your research, you say you’ve never done this before, you say this is “pioneer surgery” then here’s your chance at least you’ll know if it can be done or not and it could save another baby down the road, then I’ll know that it was worth it and I’ll have given Nickolas a chance, everyone deserves at least a chance.”

rockbottomm31 karma

We paced the waiting room back and forth, stood outside the hospital having a smoke, the intense tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The worried looks on our faces and the sweat dripping down our faces as we silently sat in the OR waiting room. We stared up at the digital board which showed the patients in surgery and what their status was whether it was in OR, in waiting, in holding, or recovery. Ten hours had gone by since we said our possible goodbyes and took some last-minute pictures, the neurosurgeon walked out with the most solemn look on his face, I was about to break out in tears when he opened his mouth and said “we managed to relieve the compression now all we can do is wait and see what happens,” (see I told you he could learn some things). My heart started beating again and the tears retreated back to where they came from, I could breathe once again.

The surgery was over and Nickolas was transported back to his room, he was too drugged up to be awake so we gave him a kiss and left. The weeks went by and although his breathing improved a little bit it didn’t make enough of a difference and other complications arrived, his diaphragm collapsed and his left lung was starting to give out because it had to work twice as hard to keep him breathing even with the tube in. After a meeting with the doctors, we all walked back to The Ronald McDonald House in silence knowing what needed to be done. We debated for a couple of days within ourselves what was the best thing to do.

It was time to arrange Nickolas’s death.

rockbottomm27 karma

The bereavement program there helped us get professional photography done of Nickolas and made imprints and molds of his hands and feet, anything to capture the last memories we would have of Nickolas. The date was set to fly him back to Sudbury on the 27th of July, he was to spend a couple of days hooked up to the life support to spend time with friends and family.

July the 30th came so quick, it felt like 2 minutes compared to the 2 months we spent at the hospital which felt like 10 years had passed. We arranged for Nick to be baptized, Becky Dube his Godmother and my brother Josh his Godfather. The moments ticked by and with each stroke of the clock my heart sank lower and lower. The time we had left with this precious little boy drifted pass, each moment spent hugging or kissing him would soon be the last. The doctor arrived at 3pm everyone was asked to leave the room while the tube was taken out. Slowly and careful the plastic piece was removed, the only thing keeping my miracle alive and with me. Morphine was administered to keep the pain at bay because once the tube was removed Nickolas would feel like he was drowning from the inside out. As soon as the machines were removed it was evident exactly how much Nickolas struggled to stay alive from day-to-day, he started gasping for air and silently crying (the tubes cause the infant the inability to make sounds until the vocal cords go back into shape which unfortunately takes a couple of days) with tears rolling down his cheeks. Zach and I spent a couple of moments by ourselves to have a private moment with Nickolas.

Everyone was invited into the room, the moment they walked in the tears poured from every eye in the vicinity, I even noticed a couple of nurses crying to themselves as to not disturb the little time we had left. We read “I’ll Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch, every page was filled with sorrow. Nickolas was then taken out of his cast, and for the first time in his life I got to hold my baby boy, as I sat there cradling Nick in my arms I felt my life slip out from me. My breaths came in sync with his as the colour drained from his body and his heart rate slowly declined. We took turns holding him, saying our last goodbyes in secrecy.

rockbottomm22 karma

The last remnants of life left Nickolas’s body, his flesh lay limp in my tightly clenched arms, his heart ceased to beat, a last breath exited his body and a sign of finality drifted through the air. My baby boy lay dead in my arms, as I held him as close as I could. If it weren’t for the sounds of my uncontrollable weeping you could have heard a pin drop in that NICU. People left the room to give us a final moment with Nick, I sat there holding on to any sanity I had left with Nick in my arms, all I could do was rock him back and forth. An hour and half passed by when the doctor came in the room to tell us it was time for them to take him down to, well you know…

The funeral was planned the next day, it was a beautiful service, unfortunately not very many people can handle a funeral for a baby so only close friends and family came. Nonetheless it was the only thing left I could do for him was give him a proper ending to life. Jaws dropped at the usher walked his casket into the chapel. The priest delivered an exceptional sermon and my mother, brother, aunt, and two best friends spoke words that echoed through the chapel and when they were done not an eye in the house was dry.

The days that followed Nickolas’s funeral were the obviously the hardest times I’ve ever had, I spent hours crying and days crawling up in a corner wishing I was dead. The first month was hard but it was bearable to say the least, I at least came into the living room. Now I sit here almost a year from the day he was born and 2 months until the day he died, and I still haven’t healed but the days get more and more easier to face, I still can’t go a couple of days without breaking down some how but I’m getting a better handle on it. It still takes everything I have in me to get up in the morning though and each day that passed my heart sinks a little lower. This is the reason I sit on the computer all day playing games, I know it’s not healthy but it’s all I can think of doing at this time to not go insane.

Eversmot36 karma

Fuck...........

rockbottomm31 karma

Please don't feel like that, I share Nick's story so that maybe other people will find comfort knowing that life can and will go on after you lose a child. I don't tell these thingy for the sympathy or pity, I tell these things to Nickolas did not die in vain so that his short life can give other people hope.

I know this may sound awful but after Nick passed away they asked me if I would like to donate his parts to science. I signed the consent form to take whatever they could take, so I'd like to think that Nick's death was a way to let other children be able to live. They even took his eyes and I got a commemoration medal in the mail a couple months later letting me know how his eyes will help further research into understand the eyes better.

About 4-5 months after that I got a letter from SickKids from the head of the bereavement program asking if they could feature Nick's abnormal condition in a medical presentation at a conference.

happyplains32 karma

My friend's baby boy is only alive today because another family who lost their little one was willing to donate his organs. Your Nick may have saved many lives because you chose to do that.

rockbottomm36 karma

And that's exactly what I thought at time. Especially since we were getting him cremated I didn't skip a beat thinking that he could help other children in need, because why should more than one person have to go through what I was going through.

Liriquid27 karma

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is. - Jay Neugeboren - An Orphan's Tale - 1976

rockbottomm8 karma

Ah yes, good old Jay. I have spent many hours trying to come up with a name to call myself and others like me. Still haven't pin pointed it, the best I have come up with is broken or shattered but it doesn't even come close to the feeling.

Eversmot17 karma

You are a very strong strong person.. that's really all I have to say. Happy Holidays

rockbottomm15 karma

Happy Holidays to you as well and thanks for stopping by to read Nick's story.

castlecraver5 karma

Thank you so much for supporting medicine and research, and having the courage to even make such a decision amidst such impossibly difficult circumstances. As someone who has at times relied on this most righteous and sacred generosity to perform my research, I am so happy you are able to take such pride in his gift.

rockbottomm5 karma

It was my unfortunate pleasure, but I can look back more lovingly at choosing to sign the consent form. I have always been a giving person especially medically, I try to donate blood whenever I can but I have deep veins so it's hard for them to get a good quantity from me and I convinced my family to become organ donors like I am (not that it took much twisting, we all realize that we're not going to need our organs when we're dead). I just want the world to be a better place and it's just me doing my part.

Thanks for being the person who puts selfless acts life this into action, I have science to thank for allowing me to at least spend two months with my precious baby boy because if it wasn't then he would have stayed breathless when he was born.

bebeinme15 karma

I don't think I breathed through reading this entire story. I am almost 22 weeks pregnant and I just kept crying and holding my belly while I read this. I am so, so sorry you had to experience this. My heart broke for you reading your story.

rockbottomm17 karma

I am more sorry that you read this 22 weeks pregnant. Please don't read stuff about bad pregnancies while your pregnant, all you have to know is that if you feel something is not right call your doctor. Anything else beyond that will just make you go crazy with worry. When your baby is born hold him/her close and never take anything for granted.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy, you're going to need it in the last couple weeks lol. I'd love to hear how it goes if you remember me in 4 months from now. Happy Holidays. :)

AtomicDan9 karma

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I wouldn't wish that on anyone in the world. I do have a question, will you ever consider having another baby?

rockbottomm29 karma

Yes, I had a son in February of this year. He's the joy of my life, I wouldn't want my life to turn out any different, because I don't think I could love my son and more than I do now because of what I went through. I appreciate all the small things he does, more than most parents.

AtomicDan14 karma

Congratulations! So happy for you <3

rockbottomm11 karma

Thank you. :)

Get2theCh0pper10 karma

I lost my daughter when she was 18 months. I'm terrified to have another child both because I feel like I couldn't love another baby like I loved her, and I'm terrified that something else horrible would happen to the baby. Did you ever have feelings like that? if so, how did you deal with them?

rockbottomm11 karma

You just love them in their own way, Nickolas will always have a special place in my heart, but I don't love his brother Jacob any less just because he's the living one. I am still terrified to this day that something is going to happen to his brother and I will be ripped to pieces again. I just deal with them one situation at a time, there's no worse thing than worrying yourself to death. It comes down to the person, only you can decided if you can get past the worrying and try again. If you do decided the pros out weigh the cons then I know that even as worrisome as it can be that "rainbow babies" are a wonderful thing. The only thing to remember is not to have a baby to replace the one you lost but to give yourself a fresh start, renew yourself.

My best wishes. Happy Holidays. :)

rebri8 karma

As a father that has lost a son, I can somewhat appreciate where you are coming from. My wife delivered our still born child on 9/18/05. His name was Samuel. As a man, I will never quite understand what it is like to carry a life for nine months only to have your world crash down around you. My wife struggles to this day to understand our loss. I was devastated as well, but I will never know the emptiness she must feel. (even to this day)

Holidays are sometimes sad, and birthdays will always be the hardest, but day by day (hopefully) it will get better. I can't tell you that you will ever forget, but given time you will be able to move on. Since our loss, my wife has given birth to two beautiful, happy, healthy sons.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for telling your story. I hope typing it out helps you to deal with your loss. I am not ashamed to admit that your story made me cry.

rockbottomm7 karma

Well hopefully Samuel and Nickolas are having a blast together where ever they are. I can empathize with your wife, that feeling of pure helplessness will never leave your memory and it's something that I still struggle with today. For me it's the day of his death, reliving the doctor pulling out the tube and watching him silent cry and gasp for air rings a sick tune in my head on his Angelversary.

Likewise, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading it and give your wife my regards. Happy Holidays. :)

Pleasestaywendy7 karma

I honestly thought I was pretty dead inside and neutral about children, until I read your story about your beautiful baby. Wow, so glad I took the time to read it, and thank you for having the courage to share it. I will go back to weeping in my pillow now.

rockbottomm2 karma

Well I appreciate you doing so. Have a wonderful evening. Happy Holidays. :)

iamagirlduh2 karma

God bless you and your family; I can't even begin to imagine the emotions you have experienced and the pain you have gone through. Nickolas is very lucky to have been carried by you and born to you, just as you consider yourself lucky to have had him for as short as you did. Not sure if you have ever heard of/read this blog before: http://rockstarronan.com/2011/05/09/where-is-ronan/

Congratulations on having another son!

rockbottomm1 karma

No I didn't know of that blog before today, I will have to give it a read when it's not so late. Thanks for the caring sentiments, it's refreshing to see all the love going on on this thread. Happy Holidays. :)

spacepar1 karma

I understand what you had to go through... I am so sorry for your lose and... i just dont know what to say. parents losing their child... once again im so sorry and i hope you get better ;) (tear smile)

rockbottomm2 karma

Thank you for taking the time to read the story. My best wishes to you and your family. :)

[deleted]1 karma

[deleted]

rockbottomm1 karma

Thanks as for reading. Happy Holidays. :)

ejsmommy4 karma

[deleted]

rockbottomm3 karma

I'm sorry I made you cry, I hope that you can feel better knowing that I have come to terms with his loss now, which is why I can speak so openly about it. I hope that I can at least help one person by sharing Nick's story. Best wishes to you and your family. Happy Holidays. :)

ejsmommy1 karma

[deleted]

rockbottomm2 karma

Yes, I agree. This world is a cruel place, beautiful in it's own way but cruel. I don't have to wait to see him again though because he is always with me in my heart and around my neck. :)

death__rattle2 karma

such a beautiful story. i don't think i will read any more threads on here. this one was all i will ever need to read. thank you for sharing.

rockbottomm2 karma

Thank you for taking the time to check it out. I hope it can some day help someone. Happy Holidays. :)

death__rattle2 karma

i work in a funeral home and i have escaped scenarios like the one you speak of ... for now. and im thankful for that. im not sure how i would feel about my job after that. im a 28 year old woman and i have no kids, but i want some someday, and i couldnt imagine going through what you have. you are indeed a STRONG woman. i commend you.

rockbottomm3 karma

I couldn't imagine being on the funeral home's side of things having to preform a service for a dead infant. I know how heartbreaking it was watching them carry my sons casket with just it laying across the directors arms. I think that's what set me back the most, besides the point where they told me it would be the last time I could ever lay eyes upon my son when it was the family private hour.

It's actually weird but after Nick's passing I wondered what it would be like to become a mortician or funeral home director. I would probably be a blubbering mess but I guess you get conditioned after a while.

Happy Holidays. :)

Hamsnibit16 karma

When my daughter was 18 months old, she fell and hit her head. When I picked her up, her eyes rolled back in her head and she started convulsing. Words cannot describe the feeling I had at that moment thinking she was dying. I don't have a question, but I just wanted to commend you on your strength to make it though this and to be able to openly talk about it.

rockbottomm10 karma

As I'm sure you know I can empathize fully with you. Although it's been 3 1/2 years I still don't have the words to describe the feeling I had when we finally decided it was time to withdraw Nick's life support. I can only imagine the horror associated with your situation and I want to extend my feelings of well wishes to you. It takes a lot for people like us to get to a comfortable point in our grief to talk openly about our situation. Hope the new year brings you much joy and thanks for sharing your story with me.

parasitic_spin13 karma

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss of Nikolas.

I have had four miscarriages, the most recent this fall. I am barely surviving this holiday. I mod r/infertility, which helps, and I see a therapist who specializes in pregnancy loss, which helps. But it is hard. And I probably only know 1% of your grief.

When you spent that time in deep grieving, how did you keep going? Did you have the miscarriage and ectopic before or after Nikolas? When you became pregnant with your younger son, how did you get through the fear?

rockbottomm9 karma

First off I know it doesn't help much because I'm sure you've heard the words a thousand times, but I offer my sympathy and empathy to you. I don't fully recall that first year, a lot was a blur. I stayed up till all hours of the night, barely ate some days and then some days I ate like a pig; anything to take the sorrow away. I would cry until my under eyes were raw. I spent a lot of time screaming at nothingness to answer why this happened to me. I think the guilt of putting my family through another loss kept me from actually committing suicide.

The ectopic was before Nick and the miscarriage was after Nick. I got to the point where I actually thought the doctors were right that I would never be blessed with a child.

When I became pregnant with my rainbow baby I worried every day I carried him, to the point where my OB/GYN told me that I needed to settle down or my nightmares would become reality (not in those words, he was much more polite). I still to this day almost 10 months after giving birth to my little sweetheart I worry. The first three months after he was born I would creep up every 10 minutes to make sure he wasn't suffocating. Now that he's almost a year old I've learned to relax a little but there's still a nagging feeling that something might happen. It just makes me love him that much more.

parasitic_spin6 karma

Give him a very might hug from me. You are an amazing person.

rockbottomm3 karma

I will! :)

MustLoveVaginas9 karma

Wow just read this. I am speechless. I would like you to know, for a long time this story will be stuck in my heart.

rockbottomm6 karma

Thanks for your time, I know it's a precious thing. All I can hope for is that, for some horrible reason this situation arises, you can let the person know that it will eventually get easier. Happy Holidays. :)

Livetiludie8 karma

I can't imagine going through that. I have a 2 month old now, and just trying to think about that breaks my heart for you. My question is about your relationship with your sons father. Were you a couple when you had him? If so, what happened to your relationship after?

rockbottomm11 karma

Well this is a complicated subject. Yes we were a couple when I had Nick, I'm not going to go into details but there were some issues while we were staying at the Ronald McDonald House and some "marital problems". I forgave them because we were all under a ton of stress but two years after the fact is when I finally called it quits because the issues continued to happen. I was just knee deep in grief to realize what was going on around me.

yuhkih4 karma

You dealt with issues with your partner WHILE all this was going on? You are an incredibly strong person. Thank you for sharing your story.

rockbottomm3 karma

Yes unfortunately I did, I wish there wouldn't have been the extra stress, but I was too busy worrying about Nick to think about myself.

nucksfan898 karma

First of all, I want to say what a horrible story this is. It truly is a testament to your strength to be able to go on after losing your son like that, and admirable that you fought with the doctors like that to give your son one more chance.

On to my question, and I by no means am trying to be insensitive, but I noticed you said you were smoking after he was born. Did you smoke while pregnant, or was it something you re-started after his birth? Did the doctor's have any snide remarks about your smoking?

rockbottomm2 karma

Unfortunately I was smoking while pregnant for him, I had cut back to 4 smokes a day though. And actually the doctors said nothing whatsoever about my smoking, I was surprised actually I thought it would be the first thing they would question me about. I broke down many times talking to the various specialists because I was the one who was feeling guilty about smoking.

Fortunately for me when I got pregnant with his little brother I quit cold turkey. I have been smoke free ever since and couldn't be happier with it. Don't even know why I smoked in the first place.

seanzyf8 karma

I have a recent ex who lost twins at birth when she was 15. She's now 21, and I personally think her head is completely fucked due to the fact that I dont know if she is, or ever could get over something like that. I personally think it's lead her to have trust issues, or let anything or anyone else get too close to her, in fear of losing them. Can you shed any light on this?

rockbottomm6 karma

Losing someone all depends on the person. My immediate family stayed with my at the Ronald McDonald House to support me. My sister even though she supported me, never wanted to come to the hospital to see him. I think the whole two months we were there she came a handful of times, a couple of which were to come take the professional photographs we were offered. My theory is that the less she seen him the less she would hurt if the inevitable came. She didn't want to get attached, in the end she regretted not spending more time with him.

So I think your ex built a wall and doesn't want to let anyone in for fear that they will eventually as my sister put it months later "disappear". Hopefully eventually she will learn to forgive herself, because she is probably beating herself up wondering like I did "what did I DO wrong". Especially if she had a good pregnancy like I did, then you're left wondering where it went wrong. So it's not so much trusting other people but trusting life it self. You start questioning everything that has happened and everything that does happen. I hope her support (if she has any) encourages her to get help. Even if it's just reading a book on grief at least it's something. I hope this helps a little. Happy Holidays. :)

seanzyf3 karma

Its funny you said that, because I've been the one that tried to give her that kind of support, and I also recommended a book that I'm reading because I think it'll help her figure out her own head, but she's just so out of sync with her life, she's living life hour by hour. It's sad. I just kinda figured I wanted a confirmation to what I've been thinking, and I got it. Thanks.

rockbottomm7 karma

You're very much welcome. If I might suggest the book I was reading that helped me a lot, the boo that the quote from my original comment on the other thread came from. It's called I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye, it helped me a lot after I found it. I know it's for any kind of loss but it's the only book I could find at the time for sudden loss.

SammichHQ7 karma

I just want to say that you did the most important thing you could do for him: You set aside your own pain in order to be there for him. When my son was born, he had malformed stomach and intestinal muscles that led to a softball sized mass in his intestines. Not even air could move through his intestines. The surgery was a success, and he's now a year old and doing great, but the days we spent in NICU were torture. There were so many babies there that had no one. No visitors, nobody came to hold them, touch them or talk to them. So many parents that couldn't set aside their own pain in order to come spend a few minutes with their own child. There was one little boy that stayed across the aisle from my son and never had a visitor. The nurses said his mother abandoned him there after the first time she visited him. I couldn't believe it. I spent every day praying that this would be the day we would get to hold him, or the day we would hear when he would be able to come home, and other people were leaving their babies there because they weren't perfect.

Your love made so much of a difference in his world. I hope that is something that you have come to realize, and I know that he was aware of you and how much you cared for him. Thank you for having the guts to be there for him, even in the midst of your own pain. It takes an extremely strong person to watch their child suffer and not let the pain break them permanently.

rockbottomm3 karma

I know what you mean about the visitors thing, there was a baby next to Nick a month after we got there that didn't have any visitors what so ever. The baby would cry and cry and cry, until the nurses came and helped him. Unfortunately because of hospital policy no matter how bad we felt for this little guy we couldn't do anything for him and just had to sit and watch day after day. Was so horrible.

Well I knew if it were me I wouldn't want to stare at a ceiling all day not being able to move or communicate at all. That's why I gave him a fighting chance and when nothing got better it broke more heart more to watch him sit there day after day crying (silently) when they moved him, knowing that every "breath" the machine took for him was hurting him more. He will always be in my heart and thanks to my mom around my neck because she got me a ashes keepsake necklace for Christmas two years ago. :)

ilmryr_maori6 karma

First, I am sorry for your losses. I could only imagine how rough it would have been. I thank you for your courage and willingness to do this AMA.

My fiancée and I found out this past fall that we are expecting in May. 2 years back we had a miscarriage, but it was within a month of the conception, so my fiancée was able to cope with it. I know things can happen, and I am obviously scared about it, but my fiancée seems to let this fear cripple her. She refused to allow me to tell anyone our news for the first trimester. Even after that, she didn't want everyone to know. Every time we go in for a check up, she is all but shaking. The doctors have always said that the little one is very healthy. I guess my question is, what can I do to support her through this? I try to help rationalize her fears, but that doesn't work. I try to tell her that I have faith in us and this, and that doesn't work. I love her, and want her to be happy through this amazing time of our lives... not paralyzed with fear.

rockbottomm4 karma

When I became pregnant with my now 10 month old I worried every day to the point where it was unhealthy for me and baby. So your fiancée is pretty much reacting the same way I did and you're reacting the same way my SO did. Unfortunately for the woman I'm not too sure there is anything you CAN say that will make her worry any less. My pregnancy for my son I didn't tell anyone but my mother, sister and brother. When I announced that he was born everyone was totally astonished that I had even been pregnant let alone gave birth. Even now I worry that he could die of SIDS and I would be left alone and empty and have to relive that nightmare all over again. My best advice is to just be there, if she's worrying just comfort her and listen. Even if you don't believe it will happen again just reassure her that no matter what happens you'll be there to love her and support her. Try your best to bring down normal life stress too, there was nothing like stressing out about daily stuff and then stressing that your stressing my stress the baby. I know it's a lot of stressing but there's so much stuff that probably going through her mind, it's hard not too stress. My best wishes with your pregnancy and give your wife my regards.

P.S. Try to limit her web browsing of pregnancy related issues to a minimum that stuff can scare anyone into crawling into a corner and not coming out until the baby is born.

ilmryr_maori2 karma

Yeah... I finally have her convinced that the doctors feel everything is okay, and then her mind gets stuck on SIDS and the like. She is not too much of a technophile, so the web browsing has not been too bad, but it seems everyone has a horror story and they are always eager to share it. shakes head

Thank you for your reply.

rockbottomm3 karma

Ah yes the "this insert name of illness here happened to my so and so" stories. That's why I didn't tell anyone when I got pregnant, I already seen first hand the stuff that babies can be born with I didn't need to hear it over and over again.

ilmryr_maori3 karma

When I am around for them I just look at the people in astonishment thinking, "What good do you think you are doing?" I mean, you don't say to someone who is about to get shipped off to war, "Yeah, my dad was in the army... got his whole left arm taken off by an IED..."

rockbottomm2 karma

Definitely, I mean it's one thing to be aware but another to have it shoved in your face by every other person that you talk to.

eee_v_eee2 karma

I am currently 38 weeks pregnant and my baby has a rare congenital heart defect which is going to mean a lifetime of surgeries. I'm being induced next week in a large hospital a few hours away that has a NICU.

I wish people would stop telling me stories about so and so's baby who had this or that and died. How is that helping me!?! I don't need to hear this right now. Especially when what the babies died of is a common heart defect and my babies defect is worse. If those babies weren't OK, I really worry for my own baby.

People are mean.

rockbottomm1 karma

Yes, yes they are. :( I learned to tune people like that out. I'm sorry if my post made you worry more, wasn't my intention.

eee_v_eee1 karma

No that's ok, you didn't worry me more. You have a sad story to share but it's not the same as your hairdresser telling you that a baby who had heart surgery died after the operation. She started the story "I shouldn't be telling you this but-" :(

rockbottomm1 karma

Oh wow that's pretty callous of her. I mean if your story starts with that then maybe you should just keep your mouth shut. I can't believe the nerve of some people sometimes! I'm sending my best wishes to a successful surgery for your little one and may your child bless you for years to come! Keep me posted if you remember. :)

missknelson5 karma

I'm 4 miscarriages in, and 23 years old. I'm sorry for your losses, and I'm sending you lots of love. I hope your holidays were gentle.

rockbottomm2 karma

I will do the same in return, warm hugs and well wishes to you and yours. Fortunately the holidays were busy but I didn't mind. Wonderful of you to read Nick's story. Happy Holidays. :)

iwonderifthiswillfit4 karma

No throwaway because none of my friends or family knows my account. My mom was scheduled to have a c-section the following day. We lived about an hour away from the hospital. So when my mom started complaining about having pains, I thought it was just related to being far along. I shrugged it off and said there wasn't any sense in driving to the hospital since we would be going the next day.

The next day, I was getting ready to leave to meet my mom and sis at the hospital when I got a phone call. Figured they just wanted us to bring something that they forgot. All I remember was "Landon, they can't find the babies heartbeat".

I don't remember much about the following days. Mom and I both were unemployed then and we were lucky enough to have the coffin donated by a local funeral home. We buried Riley on my 19th birthday.

When my sister went into labor, they took her into the same hospital room that mom was in when they discovered there wasn't a heart beat anymore. My nephew, Noah, was born two weeks after we buried Riley.

Since then, I have lived with the guilt of knowing that I am responsible for my brothers death. If I had just agreed with mom and took her to the hospital that night, Riley might have survived.

It has changed my mom. She suffers from extreme paranoia. She is in an abusive relationship (emotional and physical abuse). She won't leave him until she can prove that he is a bad person. She has bought so many spy cams and voice recorders. She has been unemployed since then and it happened in 2008. I have tried to convince her to talk to a therapist. She will never go because she believes the therapist would talk to people about her.

Bottom line: these events will stay with you forever. Make sure you get the proper counseling and make sure you don't let them control your life.

rockbottomm6 karma

Please don't feel bad you couldn't have known what was going on in there. I know how easy it can be to beat yourself up about things like this. Because I always thought maybe if I would have swore sooner at them to check me out, maybe my Nickolas wouldn't have been in his situation.

I hope your mom gets the help she needs, it's not right and you don't want her to wait until it's too late to help. I could just imagine how you would feel if anything bad happened to your mom.

I totally agree with you about counseling, if I hadn't had someone to talk to about my grief after the first year I probably wouldn't be the same person I am today.

Good vibes your way, don't beat yourself up please. Happy Holidays. :)

aeyuth1 karma

If you got to c-section earlier, his lungs would still have been underdeveloped, no?

rockbottomm1 karma

He was born on his due date. They thought he had underdeveloped lungs in my hometown because all they kept doing was chest x-rays. His lungs would have worked fine had it not been for the curve crushing his spinal cord.

tisnolie3 karma

Not a question, just a statement. My mom had 2 miscarriages before me, and a tubal after me. She then gave birth to my younger sister, then brother at age 41 in 1985. Apparently the other ovary pulled double duty. Not sure if your going to continue to try but all hope may not be lost. Stay strong. Good luck

rockbottomm3 karma

It just all depends on the ovary, some don't respond well and some do. My doctor told me of a patient that had had 8 miscarriages and 2 more ectopic pregnancies after she had the first one.

efashah3 karma

[deleted]

rockbottomm3 karma

All I'm going to say is this. If anything were to happen to his little brother Jacob as much as I love my family I don't think I could live with myself any more. Giving birth, spending time with and losing two babies would just be too much grief to handle. I mean maybe I'm just lying to myself and I'm stronger than I think but I can't imagine feeling grief over losing another baby plus the grief from losing the first baby never mind 12 babies. Your aunt is a Saint, there's just no doubt about it. I am sending my well wishes and glad she finally got a rainbow baby, that child must be spoiled with love all the time!

Thank you for stopping by. Happy Holidays. :)

levideobro3 karma

My mom was pregnant with a baby before she was pregnant with me, she had a miscarriage and almost died.

rockbottomm7 karma

That is the scariest feeling in the world. When I had my tubal pregnancy, the sinking in my body as the doctor told me I was hours away from dying is the second worst feeling in the world, first obviously being losing Nick. I will send good thoughts your moms way.

happyplains3 karma

What was the illness your son had?

rockbottomm2 karma

I posted a big post about what had happened. But to this day they really don't know what he had. They just kept on saying "the spinal curve".

happyplains2 karma

So there was not a technical name for what he had? Was it very rare?

rockbottomm4 karma

Pretty much, they could never give us a straight answer as to what he had. Like I said in the big post he was the first ever child to get the surgery they preformed, they even called it "pioneer surgery".

bluster2 karma

How awful. Beyond awful. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I thank you for doing this AMA.

rockbottomm2 karma

It was an awful thing that blossomed into something much more than that, Nick's death gave life to other babies and that I am eternally grateful for. Happy Holidays. :)

gracefulwing2 karma

I just cried for a good ten minutes. I want to offer my sympathy, and let you know that even though I don't know you, I love you for being so strong and sharing your story. Many, many hugs to you and your little one.

rockbottomm1 karma

Many hugs to you back, thanks for commenting and taking the time read it. Happy Holidays. :)

Volkenwrath2 karma

I don't think I've ever cried this hard reading anything in my life. You're possibly the strongest person I've ever met in my life.

rockbottomm2 karma

I'm really sorry I made you cry that much. But I hope you can share it one day to someone in need of it, if that happens then my job has been fulfilled. Thank you very much for reading. Happy Holidays. :)

Volkenwrath1 karma

It's perfectly fine, I kept visualizing him next to my own son and it was a powerful image. I'll be sure to save this story, it's possibly the best writing of a personal experience I've seen as well. Happy Holidays to you as well, I hope good fortune follows you in the rest of your days.

rockbottomm2 karma

Well it took me a week between bawling my eyes out and trying to collect my thoughts properly and it still doesn't properly convey what was going through my mind at the moments I talk about.

clemsonpk2 karma

for the first time in his life I got to hold my baby boy

I lost it here. I don't really have anything to ask you, but I hope that in your journeys you can find some semblance of peace.

rockbottomm1 karma

Yeah I lost it too, I was super happy but I was super sad at the same time because I knew that it meant only a couple days left to be with my precious angel. I hope you're gifted with peace as well, thanks for reading. Happy Holidays. :)

misaparasordos2 karma

I am a 21 year old male, I don't think I've cried for a decade, but your story has reduced me to tears :(

I know it isn't the same, but I feel that my mother and I to an extent can relate in a way, about 6 years ago now we lost my baby brother in similar circumstances. You're right though, life continues and time does slowly heal wounds, stay strong and know that if even strangers are giving what little support they can, your friends and loved ones will always be there for you :)

rockbottomm2 karma

It might not be the same situation but it hits the heart in the same way, no loss is greater or less important than another loss. I will send good thoughts your way. I appreciate all the support I can get, strangers in a chat room are what gave me the strength to get through the second year after his death. Thanks for the kind words. Happy Holidays.

sarah2522 karma

I am so sorry for your loss. How old were you? Did your ultrasounds ever show any problems for Nickolas?

rockbottomm6 karma

I was 18 when I got pregnant 19 when he passed away. Nope, nothing wrong at all, he moved properly in the womb, he grew properly, everything was absolutely normal.

NatalieMarie332 karma

I'm sitting at work fighting back the tears after reading this. Your story touched my heart beyond belief. What you did took courage and so much strength. I can't even imagine how hard it was to make the final decision nor would i ever want to have to think of making it myself. But i bet those 2 months he was alive you made sure he knew how much you loved him and that's what matters. He passed away with one loving mother and a supportive family. My heart is heavy for you and your family.

rockbottomm2 karma

We showed him as much love as we could give him. We only went back to the Ronald McDonald House to eat and sleep for a couple hours. When we got back home with him there were tons of people waiting to see him. Thank you for the well wishes. Happy Holidays. :)

Scottler2 karma

No question, just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss.

rockbottomm1 karma

I appreciate the sentiment. Happy Holidays. :)

cici_me2 karma

How old were you when this happened?

rockbottomm3 karma

I was 19 when I had Nick.

cici_me2 karma

Wow such a young age. I couldn't even imagine. Congrats on your new baby and Happy Holidays!

rockbottomm2 karma

Thank you very much and Happy Holidays to you as well. :)

ParkYu1 karma

what can woman do to prevent miscarriage?

rockbottomm5 karma

The best thing you can do it be healthy, eat healthy, do some light exercise, no heavy lifting, no smoking or drinking. Even then it's not a guarantee, miscarriages aren't something you can stop, if it's going to happen it's going to happen. It's a way for your body to say "hey this wasn't going to work out" or at least that's what I've come to understand. As sad as it is, unless they ever come up with a way to constantly monitor a pregnant woman and then prevent it if it happens, it will always be a part of the homo-sapiens reproductive cycle.

Mrs_Blobcat1 karma

[deleted]

rockbottomm1 karma

It really does put things into perspective, even though I went through it I still have to sit back sometimes and just reflect. Same to you as well, thanks for the response and well wishes. Happy Holidays. :)

ArcoJedi1 karma

Thank you for posting this, as I've also experienced the death of my son. My son died of SIDS in 2007 at the age of 4 months, 7 days. I even did an AMA in 2010 about SIDS and my experience. The most deeply felt comment I saw you post is something along the lines of "this is not a club you want to join"...

I'm not sure how to describe my exact emotion when I see another AMA or similar post from a parent that lost a child. Each situation is likely different, but there is a kindred-ness that I feel towards you. I know that my AMA comforted me in different ways and I hope that you experience the same sort of thing. Not really going to make a HUGE difference in your life, but I hope this is positive.

I do have questions for you and I apologize if I missed this in other comment threads.

  • How has your marriage (or relationship) been? For my wife and I, it was a pretty serious test but in the end it made us more solid. However, I know our experience is not the norm.
  • You haven't mentioned anything faith-related. I know us redditors are generally atheistic, but I'm not and my faith helped me over time. Being respectful of atheists and other faiths, what has been your experience? How has this changed your beliefs?
  • Is there anyone you were close to (friends or family) that has been distant to you since your son's death? I found there were some people who we had known for years who were just unable to figure out what to say to us and didn't talk to us much for a while.
  • How much did you come to hate the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss"? I really wanted people to just shut up after hearing it every single day.

Thank you in advance. hugs

rockbottomm2 karma

  1. Well my relationship with Nick's father failed, as I stated previously, there were some "marital issues" that happened while we were there and continued until I discovered them two years later so I left him. I am now in a common-law relationship with the father of my 10 month old son, who's also the one I experienced the miscarriage with.

  2. I don't really believe in God/Buddha/Allah, as a person, I believe that there are greater forces at work that we can't even begin to understand but he's not some man in the sky wearing a robe smiting people because it's fun. I screamed to the world on many occasions, asking why the hell did this happen to me ect ect. It didn't really change a belief it more like confirmed that there wasn't a all powerful omnipresent being casting judgement on people who don't abide by his "rules".

  3. Not people who were too too close to me, but everyone I thought was my "best buddy" wasn't really, there was one girl that openly put on facebook "I hope she doesn't have open casket because otherwise I'm not going".

  4. I don't really hate it, it's just no where near a big enough band-aid to cover the wounds that were left by such a tragic event. The phrase I got the most tired hearing was "What happened?", I'm ok with it now but then it had just happened and retelling even an abridged version was very painful.

I went and looked at your AMA, just wanted to say that you're little guy is so adorable (hope that didn't offend you, I take comfort in talking about Nickolas as if he were still here with me). I'm sure they're all playing together somewhere in the universe.

Thanks responding, I know I'm not alone in the inner battle, not that I would wish it on even my worst enemy, but I like interacting with other people who've got through similar situations. Best wishes to you in the new year. Happy Holidays. :)

ArcoJedi1 karma

Thank you for checking my AMA, although I don't want to thread-jack. My second son, Samuel just turned three and is healthy and rambunctious.

you're little guy is so adorable (hope that didn't offend you, I take comfort in talking about Nickolas as if he were still here with me)

No offense taken at all! And thanks for seeing his picture. I don't necessarily think of Lucas that way ("still here"), but I can fully respect someone who might go that route in the situation. No matter what your beliefs may be, your son will always be WITH you in a very real and important way.

rockbottomm1 karma

No harm done, I was hoping for discussions, so it's more like thread-helping. :D My second son Jacob is 10 months old and is a busy busy little boy, he took his first steps the other day and learned to clap and dance on Christmas morning.

Well I'm glad I didn't, I know some people I've talked to about this that corrected me to the past tense.

Here's Nick if you want to take a peek, it's a tame picture compared to the ones we had to take every day. One of very few I can look at and remember the happy times.

packerfanmama1 karma

Hey, thought I would chime in as well since you mentioned liking to interact with other people who've been through similar situations. I have had a miscarriage (08) and I lost my 5 year old daughter in 2011. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after her funeral. I now have two boys - one is 3.5 and the other is just about to turn 1. The part I'm struggling with right now has been going back to having toddlers and babies only. I've been a Mom since 2005, but my oldest living child is 3 and half. I miss her so much, but feel like I have to always have a brave front or people will start to be worried about me or I'll be talked about behind my back (live in a small town). I agree, it's definitely not one of those things where you want others to be able to relate to you, but at the same time it's comforting to talk to someone who does know.

rockbottomm1 karma

Wow I can't (but I can at the same time) image what you went through. I never wanted to think about all those parents, who lost children that they had cared for a watched grow for years, to lose them. I would have been totally devastated. Kudos to you for keeping sane and having the strength to have two rainbow babies! Hope the new year brings lots of joy to you and your family. Happy Holidays. :)

Whore_Bag1 karma

Emotional read. Have you considered becoming a writer?

rockbottomm2 karma

I love writing actually, after Nick passed away I started writing a short story but I got sidetracked, I've been meaning to get it off my old laptop. I just do it for fun though, don't think I'd ever be good enough to get published. Thanks for reading though I really appreciate it. :)

Whore_Bag1 karma

Your story was moving and interesting, always enticing the reader to have hope, probably much like you felt. It was beautiful and heartbreaking. Maybe Nick can give you the inspiration to live this dream.

When I asked if you had thought about being a writer, what I meant was that you already are one.

rockbottomm1 karma

That teared me up, thanks for such kind words!

[deleted]1 karma

[deleted]

rockbottomm1 karma

I can't really say for sure because everyone is different about their loss. Some people, like me, can talk openly about it; other people even the mere mention and they could get emotional. I would maybe just ask simply if she could tell you about your angel brother/sister. There's no real good way to ask someone about their loss when they don't speak openly about it. If you don't mind my asking what kind of things do you want to ask her?

Evil_lincoln19841 karma

I hope you'll see this. First of all my heart goes out to you. You're a very brave and strong woman. I lost my only child, a son, this past November when I was 18.5 weeks pregnant. It's the worst feeling in the world, losing a child. Every test we've had has been "normal" and the doctor told us we should try again. I'm terrified to get pregnant again. I desperately want a baby, but I want Evan, who died. Did you feel this way when you got pregnant again? Were you terrified your whole entire pregnancy?

rockbottomm2 karma

My empathy.

Terrified? That would have been an understatement. I was stressed and terrified to the point of it being unhealthy, my OB/GYN was scared I was going to lose the baby if I didn't stop worrying. So to easy my mind I went out and bought myself a doppler/fetal heart monitor off a classify ad site for cheap. I would listen to his/her [didn't know at the time] heartbeat every night [after first trimester because you can't really hear anything until then] for a couple minutes and when ever I was feeling anxious or scared. I was scared even after he was born, peeking my head in the room every 5 minutes while he was sleeping just to make sure he was still breathing. Even now at with his 1st birthday fast approaching I still worry, but it's something you get used to. I hope you get some piece of mind because I know how crazy it can get/be after suffering such a loss. Just remember the biggest thing to a rainbow baby is making sure you're having a baby to have a baby not to replace your dear sweet Evan.

Kind regards, hope you had at least a somewhat, all things considered, Happy New Year. :)

dennistosociety1 karma

No question here. Just wanted to thank you for doing this.

rockbottomm1 karma

Thank you for coming by, glad to be of help to people. Happy Holidays. :)

najia78661 karma

Read your whole post. Thanks for sharing. It was very emotional to get through just reading, I can't imagine how hard it was writing this. The part where you described when the plastic tube was being removed, my heart felt so heavy, just to have to go through something like that..So happy to know you do have another son now, out of curiosity did you keep the same name or did you give him a different name?

rockbottomm2 karma

No I didn't, I thought about it but having a rainbow baby shouldn't be to replace the one you lost it's to help put some pieces back together. His little brother's name is Jacob. :)

childishbambina1 karma

Just reading about your loss made me cry and I feel deeply for your loss, I watched my own mother die while being taken off life support and reading about how your lost Nikolas was so vivid.

I haven't had a miscarriage but I have always had the fear that I would since I started to want kids around 6 year ago. Granted I haven't been trying to have kids, but I do have polycystic ovary syndrome which apparently can make it very hard to even conceive. I am afraid that I won't be able to have children and it actually became a point of fear for my boyfriend that he had to accept that when we eventually want children that we might have to adopt because I could be infertile.

I know you were scared when you were pregnant with your "rainbow baby" but how did it feel when you saw that healthy baby in your arms when they were born?

rockbottomm1 karma

I know that condition, my moms friend had it. But she had it so bad they had to completely remove her ovaries, I think she might have also had big cysts on them too though. I hurt for people who can't have children, because even though I lost Nick I was at least blessed enough to be able to carry him and feel him flourish in the womb.

To be honest, my rainbow baby was a planned c-section, it was supposed to be the 15th but they bumped me up to the 14th. The epidural didn't take right just like the last time so the anesthesiologist gave me a sedative that made me so "high" it wasn't funny. So when my son was finally taken out of my womb I was too drugged up and my mom (SO didn't want to come in the room he has a weak stomach lol) was going "awe he's so beautiful" but in my drugged up state I couldn't hear anything so I kept on asking her if that one was dead too. It wasn't until an hour after he was born that I got to hold him but it was the one of the most magical moments of my life!

My best wishes that you finally get to experience the miracle of life! Happy Holidays. :)

KennyGaming1 karma

I'm a triplet, so my mom automatically got a c-section. They gave her so many sedatives that she was 2 babies in and she goes to my father, "Brad, when are the doctors gonna start, and I'm hungry." My dad started dying laughing. Mom doesn't claim to remember any of this.

We are all happy and healthy now. Your story makes me so grateful for my family's health. Happy New Year!

rockbottomm1 karma

Yeah those are hard drugs man, I kept on feeling the tugging of the tools on my skin and was saying f*** every other word. At one point I was so high I thought I was blind because I couldn't see anything but yellow. I never want those drugs again, I thought I was the one who was dying at one point. Pretty scary shit.

Happy New Year to you as well. :)

BradC1 karma

I can't read your post, or any of the questions/responses because this is the kind of thing that's my greatest fear in life, and I don't need the extra fuel for my nightmares (as I worry about this kind of thing a lot anyway.) However I did want to drop a note here and say thank you for sharing. I hope someone out there finds it helpful.

rockbottomm2 karma

Thanks for at least dropping by, I appreciate it immensely. Happy Holidays. :)

psychictrouble1 karma

I posted the comment you had replied to that started all of this. Beautiful AMA, thank you.

That being said my reality got a little too close to this for comfort. My 3 month old fell asleep so I put her down to sleep in her bassinet. Less than 20 minutes later I came in to find her suffocating. Thankfully I was here in time but my world feels a little less stable now.

rockbottomm1 karma

Hi, yes you were, I had no idea up until you posted your comment and I posted my reply that other people wanted to know about it. Unfortunately this is my worst fear about my 10 month old son. I'm so sorry you had to go through this today, I can imagine what you were going through, fortunately you got there in time, this is not a "club" you want the t-shirt from.

Thank you so much for your original comment allowing me to open up what knowledge I can offer to everyone wanting to know more. Hope the new year brings you much joy. :)

sdteacher1 karma

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rockbottomm3 karma

I don't want to sling mud around so I'm just going to say they didn't show up in ultrasounds because he wasn't "born" with them, it wasn't a congenital birth defect. Here in Canada we get 1 appointment a month for the first 6 months or so, then you get 2 a month until you're 8 months then one a week for the last 4 weeks (or something similar to that, some places vary a bit) and then you get two maybe three ultrasounds unless you want to pay for 3D ones.

Funny but morbid story, for Nick I had a midwife, I had got the referral for a Gynecologist and was waiting for a call for an appointment. It had been a month after so I decided to get call the midwiferies in my city. I am not kidding you, two months AFTER Nick died I got a call from the OB's office asking if I would come in for a consultation. I got so upset I yelled at the chick and told her I'd love to but he was already born and died. She was so stunned she just hung up, I didn't mean to blow up but I was so insulted and hurt and cried for hours after.

With my second son, I went right to a OB's office and told them my story and made them sign me up right away. He was empathetic (having delivering dozens of stillborn babies cry) so he gave me extra appointments all the time. I had one extra ultrasound because OHIP wont pay for more than three unless you have like diabetes or something else that requires you to get tested more often. Instead I took matters into my own hands and bought a baby dopplar so I could listen to the heartbeat every night before bed or if I felt anxious about anything.

Thanks for the congrats, it was something that did keep me from harming myself because I knew one day I would be blessed with a bundle of joy even if I wasn't ready to start trying again at that time.

Happy Holidays. :)

Swagmomma1 karma

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure I blinked the entire time I read that. I will keep you in my thoughts. I am 33 weeks pregnant and my biggest fear is something similar to this. I'm sorry if you've already answered this question but, did you ever find out why this happened to him? Was it hereditary? Or a fluke? Or something that could have been prevented?

rockbottomm1 karma

As far as they know it wasn't hereditary, they did numerous genetic tests while they were trying to figure out what was wrong with him. My family and I have a theory but I've said previously I don't want to say anything bad.

tspix1 karma

Thank you very much for sharing such a personal experience. I was wondering if there was anything said or done by people in your life after Nickolas's passing that you felt was touching or helpful? We often have people we love in our lives who go through tragedies we couldn't possibly understand or grasp. Attempting comforting words or helpful actions, even with the best intentions, can easily come across as insensitive, and I was wondering if you had any suggestions...even if it's just things you'd prefer were never said to a grieving parent.

rockbottomm2 karma

Well just all the help with his funeral was phenomenal, I wouldn't have dreamed preparing food for the reception after without the help of some very wonderful people. As for comments, the one that got my steamed up the most was "Oh well there's always time to have more, you're young!". I wanted to scream at people who said that, like seriously, "your puppy died, don't worry we'll get you a new one" and that's not even an accurate representation. My biggest suggestion is if you're close to someone going through this help them out whenever/if you can, you could forget to put pants on when you're in the fresh stages of grieving. It's hard enough to remember your own name sometimes, let alone cook, clean ect ect. Pretty much just be supportive, even if it's just to listen to him/her vent.

1brokegirl1 karma

I think it is wonderful that you shared your story. One of my best friends recently lost her daughter who was born prematurely due to precamplsia, I have since admired her strength as I do yours. Its amazing what we can truly handle when faced with it. I guess I want to ask, what wasa the most helpful thing ppl did during your grieving period? She and I were both expecting at the same time (I am currently 8 months) and I feel bad at times to even discuss it in front of her, although she often brings it up.

rockbottomm1 karma

Most helpful, was just give me the space I need, no one pressured me to do much. They tried to get me out of the house (which I appreciate now) so I didn't become a social outcast. Also I just responded to a user that the help with the funeral was amazing, I couldn't have done it without help. That and just having people there to talk to even if they had heard it a billion times before. There was so much going through my mind that it was hard to remember which thoughts were which.

I speak for myself when I say, I wanted nothing to do with babies or pregnant people. I would cringe when I seen a pic of a newborn on my news feed or a pregnant belly. Only reason I talked to some people was because they were the only people who stuck by me, but that didn't mean I wasn't insanely jealous of them. So it was very helpful that they kept contact to a minimum.

Give your friend my well wishes and I send you best of luck on your bundle of joy. Happy Holidays. :)

1brokegirl1 karma

Thank you. I have been giving her space and I helped with arrangements. She is such a sweet giving person...I just want to be there for her.

rockbottomm1 karma

You're a wonderful person for doing so, I raise my glass to you cheers. :)

DirtyWhoreMouth1 karma

I don't have any questions for you, only an internet hug. I am so sorry. I worry day in and day out about my 4-month-old "miracle" baby (we were told we were infertile) and whenever I read about a mother losing a child in any capacity, I cry for her. I'm so sorry.

My husband's aunt carried two sets of twin boys to full term and both sets passed away shortly after birth... no explanation.

rockbottomm1 karma

I like hugs, especially internet ones, means they traveled very far to get to me. Congratulations on your miracle baby and I hope your aunt-in-law has found comfort and all the support she could ever want. You can never have too much support when something like this happens. I will send her happy thoughts. Happy Holidays. :)

meese131 karma

My friend had a healthy pregnancy, zero problems.. went to the hospital around thanksgiving at 40 weeks to have her baby boy and something happened while delivering and he came out still born. My heart broke because i just had my 1st son 2 months prior to that... I feel horrible sometimes posting pictures of him on my fb. Im soo sorry this happened to you.. Wish you the very best.

rockbottomm1 karma

I hope you friend got the support and help she needed to get through such a tragedy, I will send a thought to your friend. I'm sure if you were there for her, that's all she needed. Thanks for taking time to read this. Happy Holidays. :)

welike2party1 karma

I don't want to ask you anything. I'm not going to say I know what you've gone through, but ive lost my child to. You're a strong woman and deserve nothing but respect.

rockbottomm1 karma

You know something similar and that is still sad. As like I've said before, one loss is no greater or lesser than another loss. They're each tragic in their own way. You deserve the same amount of respect for staying strong also. Good thoughts coming your way. Happy Holidays. :)

duckduckgreygoose1 karma

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rockbottomm2 karma

Awe that's so wonderful, it's nice to see a story like this. Being at SickKids you see a lot of stuff and it just brings you down. So hearing about something like this makes me happy. Best wishes to you. Happy Holidays. :)

TheGrenadier-2 karma

No offense intended, but how do you feel about the general internet's opinion on "dead baby" jokes? Is it something that upsets you if you happen to see or hear one? Do you shrug it off? I just wonder, because a place like reddit is full of people that...enjoy...that type of humor.

rockbottomm1 karma

At first I would cry at the mention of baby or anything baby related. Now they're just meh, I don't like them but I don't hate them either. My outlook on life is "to each his own", if that's what makes them happy then good for them.

[deleted]-4 karma

[deleted]

rockbottomm2 karma

That is a blog post I made, but I didn't know if linking a blog was acceptable because I know in other parts of Reddit linking to personal sites. I apologize if I broke a rule, if people would like I can link the original post?

[deleted]-6 karma

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rockbottomm1 karma

With my ectopic and miscarriage I was about 8 weeks along, so I know that feeling. There's a really good book for helping children grieve Where's Jess, I read it to understand what my sister was going through. I know she wasn't his sister but there's not really a book for aunts and uncles and she was pretty much his sister with how close we are as a family. You're just as strong as person as I am, you got through your own situation. Sending good thoughts your way as well. Happy Holidays. :)

CDRCRDS-22 karma

Can I see pictures if what you loom like?

rockbottomm1 karma

If you really think it'll help I can link some pictures but I will warn you they're hard for me to look at and I went through it.

LovelyJubbleyy-45 karma

Maybe just try adopting. Ever considered having a pet?

rockbottomm8 karma

I don't really think they would have let an 18yr old adopt a child. I can't have pets I'm allergic to pet dander so anything with fur will make my life miserable. But all is well, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy on February 14th of this year. I wonder what I'd be like to have Nick around now, what he'd be like, what he'd look like ect ect. Thanks for the suggestions though and for taking time out of your day to read my post. Happy Holidays. :)

EDIT: Added "would have" so more people don't get confused as to what I meant. :)

catfishenfuego0 karma

You can always adopt later!

rockbottomm1 karma

I have a 10 month old son now and he's the love of my life!

catfishenfuego1 karma

I bet. I meant if you want more kids later on

rockbottomm1 karma

Ah, thought you might meant that. I've thought about it but I just want to give all my love an attention to my little guy, once he leaves the nest I could give it some thought though. :)

ettenyl290 karma

I'm getting confused. Last night you said it has been 4 years. You're only 18 so you got pregnant at 14ish? How old ARE you?

rockbottomm3 karma

It was been almost 4 years since he died. I was 18 when I got pregnant and 19 at the time of his death, I meant they wouldn't let an 18yr old adopt a child. I'm 22yrs old now.

ettenyl29-1 karma

Ok, thanks for the clarification. Everything you've been through just SUCKS

rockbottomm1 karma

No problem, I admit that my fingers got a head of me and forgot a couple of words. No harm done. :)