ArcoJedi

Your story has touched me because I am also a father whose first-born son died of SIDS. I even did an IAmA back in 2010, and I was so very deeply affected by all the questions and comments from Reddit.

We differ a little only in that more time had passed between his death and my AMA. My son's death happened in 2007, long before I was a Redditor. Additionally, my son was alone in his crib and he was napping in the afternoon. You didn't use the term SIDS in your original post, but my feeling is that it is a similar circumstance.

Putting myself in your situation, I imagine there are feelings for both you and your wife of blame and guilt. From a certain perspective, an outsider might assume that my wife and I might feel less guilt because we were not in the room at the time, but I can assure you that's not true. We could have been thousands of miles away, and the guilt would still be there.

You didn't ask for advice, but my heart wants to reach out to you. There are two things that I need you to know.

1. This sort of grieving process --a parent losing a child-- is unlike other sorts of grieving. The feelings and the effects are more intense than the loss of a friend or parent. I'd have to dig up the studies I've read that say so, but it is true.
2. This event... not many marriages survive it. My wife and I have stayed together and we are stronger today. You and your wife can too. I highly recommend seeking counseling, whether that would be grief-, marital- or group- counseling.

Please PM me if you need to talk to someone, because I'd listen.

Thank you for checking my AMA, although I don't want to thread-jack. My second son, Samuel just turned three and is healthy and rambunctious.

you're little guy is so adorable (hope that didn't offend you, I take comfort in talking about Nickolas as if he were still here with me)

No offense taken at all! And thanks for seeing his picture. I don't necessarily think of Lucas that way ("still here"), but I can fully respect someone who might go that route in the situation. No matter what your beliefs may be, your son will always be WITH you in a very real and important way.

Thank you for posting this, as I've also experienced the death of my son. My son died of SIDS in 2007 at the age of 4 months, 7 days. I even did an AMA in 2010 about SIDS and my experience. The most deeply felt comment I saw you post is something along the lines of "this is not a club you want to join"...

I'm not sure how to describe my exact emotion when I see another AMA or similar post from a parent that lost a child. Each situation is likely different, but there is a kindred-ness that I feel towards you. I know that my AMA comforted me in different ways and I hope that you experience the same sort of thing. Not really going to make a HUGE difference in your life, but I hope this is positive.

I do have questions for you and I apologize if I missed this in other comment threads.

• How has your marriage (or relationship) been? For my wife and I, it was a pretty serious test but in the end it made us more solid. However, I know our experience is not the norm.
• You haven't mentioned anything faith-related. I know us redditors are generally atheistic, but I'm not and my faith helped me over time. Being respectful of atheists and other faiths, what has been your experience? How has this changed your beliefs?
• Is there anyone you were close to (friends or family) that has been distant to you since your son's death? I found there were some people who we had known for years who were just unable to figure out what to say to us and didn't talk to us much for a while.
• How much did you come to hate the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss"? I really wanted people to just shut up after hearing it every single day.

Thank you in advance. hugs