I'm Michael Slepian, the world's expert on the psychology of secrets, and I'm here to answer all your questions! AMA!

What makes certain people unable to keep secrets and others determined to?

We are certainly more determined to protect our own secrets, compared to others’ secrets. People who are better at keeping secrets tend to be more conscientious, more careful, in general. People who are less good at keeping secrets are really outgoing people who love to chat. So keep that in mind when you are deciding who to approach with a secret of your own!

Wow, I guess I'm the former; conscientious, careful. I've kept many secrets forever, while I have friends I trusted with my own who instantly disowned them.

You sound like a great person to confide in!

Sounds like a good advice for outgoing people about to share their own secrets.

If you are very outgoing it is possible that you might being sharing too much! At the very least, be especially careful when you are talking about someone else, and consider what they would be comfortable with you sharing. But when it comes to your secrets, if you share them with others, you will tend to be better off. This is likely because people tend to choose the right people to confide in.

I'm not sure about that first one, in all situations. I usually put more priority on other people's secrets, which are not mine to share, than my own.

Mostly, I try to live a life where I don't need many secrets, of my own.

Not only does it sound like that you have a healthy relationship with secrets, but you also seem like a great person to confide in!

how does one becone "the world's expert?" asking for a friend.

Find a research topic nobody has been studying, and then study it for a decade!

Maybe they were studying it, but they were so good that no one found out.

Still, pretty cocky in psychology to call yourself the “world’s expert”. Far better known and respected people in the field would never call themselves that.

Please blame my publicist here!

Excuse me, I'm running late, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice, practice, practice.

Are there secrets you’ve found that you’ve kept, even from yourself, after researching secrets on a deeper level?

Can you keep a secret from yourself? Maybe. If there is information that you could access somehow, whether that’s asking someone, or some other way, then maybe you could keep a secret from yourself. Sometimes I see an email in my inbox late at night, I know it’s better off, I wait until the morning to read it. So, that might count as a secret I keep from myself. It’s a fascinating idea!

Would repressed memories not be a better example of a secret kept from yourself?

The jury is still out on whether people can completely repress memories. The more important point is that if your secret concerns something currently relevant to your life, then probably you have some work to do, and trying to push thoughts away is unlikely to help. I find in my research that when it comes to currently pressing secrets, most people recognize that they should think about the secret as a way to figure out how to move forward.

I’m so surprised to hear the jury is out on that- I personally completely repressed traumatic memories. I had really weird issues that mirrored autism, but it turned out to be PTSD… I kinda got the impression from the psychiatrist and therapist I worked with that that was prescribed normal… maybe normal is a strong word there.

The debate does not deny your experience at all! The debate hinges on what we mean by “repressed.”

Do you ever use Post Secret as a database for your studies?

I love Post Secret, and have been in touch with Frank Warren over the years. In one study, we showed people secrets from Post Secret, and if they were exposed to a secret that they were also keeping, they felt less alone with the secret.

Yes, I think that's a very impactful thing, sharing a secret with a stranger. Also, having a repository for secrets you're holding in.

It can feel uplifting to share a secret with someone, but what is most helpful about sharing a secret with someone is the conversation that follows. When you see others’ secrets on PostSecret this can make you feel less alone with your secrets, and if this encourages you to talk about that secret with someone, you will likely obtain even more benefits.

What an interesting topic. I do wish I had seen this earlier. On the off chance that you return...

In reference to the notion of uplift, encouragement, and community (less alone), do you find this to be true of any secret or only certain classes of secrets? That is, I would imagine some secrets could be shameful, or juicy, or dark, or trivial, or timely or long-held. Do you find the same impacts/effects, even if at different magnitudes, regardless of the secret?

This is so important. When prior researchers studied secrecy, they examined only one secret at a time (often a lab invented secret that didn’t matter in the real world). But there are so many kinds of scents and if you want to learn about secrets out in the real world you need study the whole universe of secrets. Fortunately we all keep the same kinds of scents, and so with a list of 38 categories of secret, you can really comprehensively capture all the common secrets people keep. Like you say, some will be dark, some will be trivial.

Rather than ask is secrecy bad for you, my studies ask which of your secrets hurt you and why? And so the first question you really want to ask is, across the diversity of secrets we keep, can we make generalizable conclusion? (We can). Only once we know how secrets generally operate, can we start asking how do the different secrets compare to each other. Yet 38 categories is too many.

To answer your question you need to know: Are there primary ways that secrets differ from each other? It turns out there are, and there are three of them (I explain how we found these in Chapter 4 of the book).

We tend to ask is the secret immoral? Does it involve others? And does it relate to our goals and aspirations? You have to answer all three of these questions to understand how those secrets affect you. That’s a very long way of saying what the secret is about matters, and your answers to these three questions will tell you how. I make this all very concrete in the book!

How can people get tricked into revealing secrets even when they think keeping it would be necessary for survival?

For example a POW being manipulated into giving up the location of his squad perhaps?

This is an extreme example of being pressed for a secret. The good news is that this kind of thing is exceedingly rare. Most people do not go around asking us questions about our secrets. So, in that sense most of us are really lucky. If you are being pressed endlessly for a secret, you might eventually give up because you are tired of defending it. At the end of the day, for most of our everyday secrets, we do recognize that talking about them can be really helpful.

is there any impact on holding on to secrets? do different personality types have different types of secretive behaviour?

People who are more extroverted tend to keep fewer secrets, and people who are introverted tend to keep more secrets. But we actually don’t yet know if these people are differentially affected by their secrets. I’ve found in one study that people who are really prone to ruminate are more hurt by their secrets. So yes, certain traits can make us more vulnerable to secrets, but we need to do more research here!

Building on the above question: Is there a known correlation to anxiety?

Yes, social anxiety is related to sharing less about ourselves, in general, not just our secrets. When we are too afraid to open up, we miss out on all the benefits of self disclosure. If this is you, recognize that, we obtain so much from sharing our selves with others. Sharing our selves is how we become known, and it is through discussion with others that we learn about ourselves. And finally, self-disclosure is a great way to deepen a relationship.

Meaningful relationships are built on trust, that's true, but trust requires that the other person keeps secrets. Kind of becomes a one way, isn't it?

You are entirely correct that mutual trust and mutual disclosure is what make relationships strong. Importantly, by making yourself vulnerable and revealing something sensitive you are showing trust in the other person.

i find that only through connected and meaningful communication, both verbally and non-verbally, can those aspects of trust and mutual disclosure develop healthily and properly. In regards to open vulnerability and to keeping secrets, how can one develop a more healthy set of boundaries?

I completely agree. To have healthy boundaries, you need to first decide / figure out what your boundaries are. And then, you need to communicate them to others.

What could organizations based around protecting secrets and maintaining confidentiality (I.e government agencies, private companies in competitive industries, etc.) learn from your research?

I’ve consulted with companies on this very question! First, employees are much more effective if they know why they must keep the secret. Second, employees can become isolated with these secrets, and this can lower motivation at work. And so there needs to be some mechanism in place so you know which other employees you are allowed to talk to about the secret. Knowing why you have to keep a secret and who you can talk to makes employees far more effective at keeping secrets for their work.

Why don't people prepare lies properly? It's like they want to be caught.

Technically, telling a lie is an easy way to keep a secret. But the catch is, you have to remember that lie, and keep to it. I don’t recommend preparing a lie in advance if you can avoid lying. A much better way to keep a secret is to try and steer a conversation away from the secret. You can do this by asking a question of your own, or introducing a new topic of conversation. Conversations can move quickly from topic to topic, and you can use this to your advantage.

Definitely. It's good to have a failsafe though. For example, if you get asked about it.

It’s true that having an answer prepared for the inevitable question will allow you to more smoothly keep the conversation moving without drawing additional attention to the thing you want to keep secret.

Is there such a thing as keeping a secret for too long? Why do people feel the compulsion to share a secret in order to “get this off my chest”?

We often feel a compulsion to share secrets because to have a secret all to yourself feels isolating. We don’t like to be alone with our thoughts, and we know that often other people can be really helpful. You can keep a secret from some people while still discussing it with others. And so, even if you’ve kept a secret for years and years, it wouldn’t necessarily be “too long” as long as you felt okay about the secret, and talking to another person can really help!

Maybe that's why introverts are good at keeping secrets. They like to be alone with their thoughts.

Or are more comfortable in being alone with their thoughts.

Introvert here and it's exhausting having everyone's secrets. There are definitely times when I wish people didn't confide in me this much.

Yes! One thing you can do as someone is gearing up to unload a heavy secret on you is say, "Please don't tell me this, I rather not know. I would prefer you to confide this in someone else."

Not always easy to shut someone down, with one on one chats, and you can see they're in distress about something. Maybe I need to encourage people to not keep a secret but to rather keep talking about it with other compassionate people too. Problem is that people confide in me because they know I won't repeat it.

The curse of a good confidant!

Damn. This just helped me make sense of why I want to talk to my psychologist about this painful stuff that happened to me Years ago that I've never told anyone...

I also feel self conscious because if things happened so long ago, why do I still ruminate about them, and why does talking about it w them help so much?

If the only venue you have to work through something is your own mind, then you are setting yourself up to ruminate on the thought. But bringing another person into the conversation changes that!

If the only venue you have to work through something is your own mind, then you are setting yourself up to ruminate on the thought.

For some reason this struck a chord with me. Can there be other venues to work through secrets? I know that's not what you meant by it, but it got me thinking.

And thank you for doing this AMA, you really care about this topic and you're actually involved in discussions with people. You seem like someone I could talk to for hours!

Besides taking to someone, you could try journaling. When it comes to coping with a stressor, journaling is more likely to work if you use it as a space to find a new perspective and challenge your current thinking, so that you can create what your would normally get out of a conversation with another person. If you use the journal to simply rehash the past and your regrets and how bad you feel, the journal just becomes a written record of harmful rumination.

What are some secrets about secrets?

Here’s a secret about secrets that you may not know. The hard part of having a secret is not that we have to hide it, but that we have to live with.

Can you please elaborate? You mean the mental energy we spend on making sure the secret does not come out or is it something else?

Not only can our secrets demand our attention, distract us from other ongoing concerns, and fatigue us as we try to grapple with them, but also our secrets can make us feel ashamed, isolated, uncertain, and inauthentic. Each of these experiences calls for a different remedy, a different way forward, which I can't give full justice to in a reddit comment. But I can promise my book deals with each of these!

Thank you so much for your fast and through answers! I’m willing to dive into this topic now. I have a background in cognitive psychology myself but I have never dealt with any research on topic of secrets so I’m really intrigued and excited

Thanks!!

I'm a forgetful person. If someone tells me a secret and I forget it. Am I a good secret keeper, or a bad secret keeper?

On one hand the secrets will be forever safe. But on the other hand the secrets will be forever lost.

People do sometimes forget secrets. When you go through the list of 38 common categories of secrets, there may be some that you do have, but you haven’t thought about them in a very long time. There is some solace in knowing that a current secret will not forever be relevant to your life. If it’s no longer relevant to your life, forgetting a secret could be quite healthy.

Thanks for swift answer.

Side note. Very interesting research and reading your reply on other comments.

Thanks!

What's your read on how Scientology uses secrets?

One interesting fact about Scientology is that the first big wikileaks leak was the bible of Scientology. And it was a fascinating revelation for everyone who is not a scientologist. If your belief system requires you to keep secrets, I would suggest asking yourself if you are okay with that.

sorry to piggyback off of this question, especially so late after you started the ama, but i was wondering if you've encountered any community with an opposite belief system to scientology in your research - one where people keep no secrets from each other (or even outsiders) and are open and forthcoming with relevant information no matter how personal that information may be?

if not, can you imagine such a community existing and thriving?

What makes it hard to imagine such a society is that sometimes we keep a secret to protect someone's feelings. Most people agree that if they only thing that comes out of revealing a secret is to hurt someone needlessly, it would be kinder to keep the secret (for example, if someone said something nasty about your romantic partner, it may do little good to relay it to them).

What have you found the most challenging aspect of researching the psychology of secrets?

The most challenging aspect of studying secrecy is that our secrets only come to mind once in a while. And it’s even rarer that we have to hide our secrets. Our secrets are elusive in that way, as much of the time we aren’t thinking about them. So, to study them, I often show people a list of the 38 most common kinds of secrets, and I ask people which ones they are currently keeping. And per each of those, I ask additional questions!

[deleted]

See the bottom of the page at this link:

http://www.columbia.edu/\~ms4992/Secrecy.htm

Here is a few :)

How do secrets play into the psychology of esoteric groups (things like fraternities, secret clubs, freemasons, etc)

What is your take on the morality of "lying through omission". Do you feel secret holders should be encouraged to tell secrets? If the secret could benefit someone if told?

Does any activity like poker or acting (anything where you are actively portraying an alternative truth) make one better at keeping secrets, could an extrovert learn to get better at keeping secrets for example?

1. Group secrets can be dangerous (e.g., hazing, or the NSA keeping mass global surveillance secret). 2. Lying through commission is much worse than by omission. You are not obligated to tell someone close to you every single inner thought, feel, and experience. That said, if something is bothering you, or if you think the other person would feel they have the right to know, I do think you should tell them. 3. Someone who is good at thinking on the fly probably does a better job of not revealing secrets in conversation. Could you get better at it? Sure. If someone asks you something that you don’t feel comfortable revealing, the best way to handle that is try your very best to deflect by either asking a question of your own, introducing a new tropic into the conversation, or answering a subtly different question. The research shows that these strategies often work, and the person may not even realize their question has gone unanswered.

How has your relationships to your own secrets (personal ones you keep) changed as you wrote/researched this book?

I still keep the occasional secret, but I try not to be entirely alone with any secret. If there is a secret that I have, I try to tell at least one person about it.

Why is that? Is it so that you feel less alone in keeping the secret or does it make it easier to keep the secret itself?

When we choose to be entirely alone with a secret, we often do not develop healthy ways of thinking about the secret. Another person has so much they can offer you that is so hard to find on your own.

what advice would you give someone struggling to determine whether or not to share a secret?

First, you are asking yourself the right question. You don’t have to reveal a secret to the person you are keeping it from, but revealing it to someone else can make a world of difference. So, how do you decide whether you should reveal it? Is this something you could get help with? Could you use advice, emotional support, validation, new insights? Then, yes, talk to someone. But if the secret involves other people, you should choose who you reveal to carefully. Only if you are 100% certain you have nothing to gain from revealing a secret, might you be better off keeping it. But for most secrets, there is something to gain by sharing the secret with someone else.

When conducting studies or research with subjects, what’s the process like? Do you ask them to tell you secrets?

Most of my studies show participants my list of 38 common categories of secrets, which you can find here http://www.columbia.edu/\~ms4992/Secrecy.htm

I ask participant to tell which of these secrets they are currently keeping, and then per each and every current secret, I ask additional questions. What is so great about this method, is we can move beyond the question of: Are secrets good or bad? And instead, we can ask, which of your secrets hurt your well-being, and why?

Are there certain times people feel more compelled to share their secrets than other times? For example when our inhibitions are down from drugs and alcohol?

If someone just revealed a secret to you, it makes it much more likely that you will reveal a secret back to them. I’ve seen this in my own research where we asked strangers to share secrets with each other. When it comes to real life, if you are feeling really comfortable and good, you will be braver and let your guard down, and share that secret. And you are entirely right, alcohol can get you there too. There’s not been a study on it, but I can at least say from my own experience that a few drinks make me much more willing to share a secret!

Does the brain react differently when being told a secret, as opposed to being given any other kind of information? That is to say, do we chemically "enjoy" being told private information?

I think that you are entirely correct that we might get a dopamine hit when we learn about a secret, whether that’s because the secret is very interesting, or because it feels really good to be trusted with a secret. But nobody has ever run a study on secrecy with a brain scanner!

Thank you for tout answer! I am now entrusting you to figure this out in your free time 😂😂

Now I just need someone to fund the fMRI research, which is quite expensive!

If you listen to any songs about secrets, what is your favorite one?

Phantogram - Mouthful Of Diamonds has a lyric I really like “a pocketful of secrets” which I love the imagery of. I’m sure there are many other songs out there that I also know and love about secrets!

Is there a relationship between secret keeping and PTSD symptoms that you are aware of? As one of my therapy supervisors put it, “trauma lives in secrets” and I often remember this when talking with my therapy clients. Some of my traumatized clients keep many secrets while others leak every detail of their life outward without discrimination.

When your secret deals with traumatic experiences, secrecy is especially difficult as sharing that experience might mean reliving it. For any secret that hurts to revisit, what you want to do is focus less on the past (and rehashing it) and focus more on the present and the future, and what will help you moving forward. I find that when people try to draw lessons for the future, thinking about the secret can be quite healthy.

What have you found can be more damaging to someone - the betrayal of being lied to because of a finding out a secret or the betrayal felt if you share a secret with someone you trust and it not be received well or honoured with trust?

If you are keeping a secret from someone, and it’s possible that they could learn about the secret through some means other than you telling them, then I would advise you to get out in front of it, and reveal the secret yourself first. If we are talking about a longtime friend, a family member, or a romantic partner, they indeed can feel betrayed if they learn you have been keeping something from them for a long time. And if someone reveals our secrets to a third party this is another kind of betrayal. Both betrayals can sting and really hurt. How can you be sure someone keeps your secret safe? Either tell someone who doesn’t know anyone you know. Or, make sure they have a similar set of morals. If someone will be scandalized by what you tell them, you are better off telling someone else. We are more likely to reveal someone’s secret if we think what they did is morally objectionable. So, 1. Be the person to reveal your secret if someone could learn about it some other way. And 2. Choose who you tell carefully.

I think there is a platitude for that: the only way two people keep a secret is if one of them is dead!

There’s a reason most heists always devolve at the end when the thieves end up with more money than they expected, have you looked into criminal behavior and secret keeping?

It would be so fascinating to study criminal behavior and secret keeping! If only a bunch of folks who committed crimes would be willing to talk me!

More a question to the contrary of secret keeping, but what benefits, if any, are there to not keeping secrets? Does keeping secrets place significantly more cognitive strain on someone than someone who keeps no, or few secrets?

Sometimes keeping a secret is the right thing to do. If revealing a secret will needlessly hurt someone’s feelings, most people agree that keeping the secret is the compassionate thing to do. But when we are talking about your secrets, if there is a secret you are struggling with, you are far better off discussing the secret with someone you trust. People who have fewer secrets are healthier than people who have many secrets. And yes, partly that’s because of cognitive strain. But also, it’s because when you keep a secret, you shut the door on revising others’ help and social support.

In the mob T.V. show The Sopranos one of the characters develops chronic back pain due to keeping an important and difficult secret from one of his friends/associates. My question is: is this realistic? Could keeping a damaging secret from someone else result in physical symptoms such as back pain?

There is actually a large body of research that shows people who keep problems to themselves are more likely to have symptoms of poor health. The reason is not because of the hard work of keeping the secret. Rather, the person who doesn’t talk about ongoing problems with others generally has poor coping strategies. When we are too afraid to open up, we are less likely to get social support from other people, and having social support is related to improved health.

Thanks for doing this AMA, Michael!

Anecdotally, I think there's been a bit of a cultural shift when it comes to secrets in general. I used to hear a lot about taking secrets to the grave, while now I'm generally hearing that you may as well tell the truth because your secrets will come out anyway. Do you think that there's been some sort of shift in society that makes people think this way?

I guess some further questions on the same line would be, are some personality types better suited at keeping secrets? Also, do everyday people generally have secrets that they really won't reveal to others?

Again, anecdotal, I've heard of some people who cheat on their spouses, can't keep the secret out of guilt (or whatever internal or external pressure) and then tell their spouse, while others cheat and just never tell anyone (regardless internal or external pressure).

As society changes and allows certain behaviors, I do believe we become less secretive about those behaviors. Social media has also fundamentally changed how we share with others. For the secret, you mention (cheating on a partner), whether or not to reveal the secret is among the most complicated secret decisions you can make. If you have cheated repeatedly that’s a problem that needs to be revealed. If it was a one-time thing that has never happened before and will never happen again, if you are deciding whether to reveal this, ask yourself, why do you want to reveal it, and would your partner want to know? Revealing it could make you feel better, but make your partner feel a whole lot worse. This is such a consequential decision that I recommend you don’t make the choice alone. I would discuss it with someone you trust, and see what they think.

I’m convinced that everyone has a few secrets that’ll they’ll never share with anyone, or at least anyone within their inner circle. Most are driven by perceived shame they think the consequences outweigh the weight of carrying it. Do you think this is true?

Yes, I think we all have secrets we hold very close. I am not suggesting you should reveal every single secret. But if there is a secret you are struggling with, talking about it can make the world of difference.

If you drop soap on the floor, is the floor clean or is the soap dirty?

I would say that the floor is clean, as I assume you are in the shower!

How do you get paid to study secrets ?

I’m a professor at Columbia, and I am so extremely lucky that my job is to research whatever I want! For the past 10 years, I’ve been studying secrets!

What's the secret to getting a tenure at Columbia?

Great question! I don't have the answer, but I am up for tenure right now! Hopefully my book helps :)

I hope you book that tenure!

Me too! It's a year-long process, so I will know by next summer!

Fingers crossed the book does well and helps my case :)

How does keeping secrets affect people both physically and mentally?

Mentally, having a secret can be a distraction. Simply thinking about a secret over and over can feel like you are stuck in your thoughts, and they can distract you from other pressing matters. Also, if the secret is something you feel is immoral, you may feel ashamed. If the secret feels very personal, you may feel isolated. If the secret is very emotional, you may feel at a loss for what to do. Each of these experiences is associated with lower physical health and well-being. And so, if a secret is weighing you down, ideally, you figure out why, what you are missing and how you can get it.

How does trauma factor into secret keeping?

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Additionally, how does trauma make one keep secrets from one's self? For example, My mother was raped at 12 and she kept that secret buried and when she was 45 she suffered some emotional trauma during a mental health event and during therapy she unlocked that memory and went through that trauma all over again and felt tremendous guilt for holding the secret that she intentionally buried from my father.

Dealing with trauma is so difficult, and it is so important that you are not alone. Something like this can be so difficult to talk about, but the research shows if you choose to be alone with something like this, it will hurt your health and well-being. Finding someone you trust to talk about it with makes a huge difference.

How many secrets are you keeping?

I have a few secrets, like anyone else, but I try my best to share those secrets with trusted others. I suppose I have one “classically” big secret. But I’ve told other people about it!

Have you developed any methodologies for uncovering when a person his holding a secret?

Essentially, interrogation techniques?

In all seriousness, if you think your romantic partner is hiding something from you, trying to interrogate them is not likely the best path forward. Instead, you should let your partner know that they can tell you anything, and no matter what, you are there for them and by their side. You want to assure your partner, friend, family member etc that your relationship can withstand any revelation, and you are there to help.

What are your thoughts about Teal Swan?

I just had to Google this myself. Does she have any advice when it comes to secrets?

What's the craziest secret someone's ever told you?

When I first started this research, before I started showing my participants the list of the 38 common categories of secrets, I instead just asked participants to tell me about a secret they are currently keeping, and I used to get these rich sentences and paragraphs about people’s secrets. The one that still stays with me today is about someone who met another person on a train in Italy, and in the person’s own words, he said, “she was crazy, and the relationship turned sexual” – what makes this secret so memorable is how much this secret leaves room for imagination!

Have you ever been asked by the military to aid them in using psychology to obtain secrets from captured persons?

If I did, I would likely have to keep this secret!

What kinds of factors do people tend to take into account when making moral decisions about whether to keep a secret? I ask because I once got super into this as an ethical question with a friend, and ended up creating a whole list of relevant criteria.

Is the secret about somebody who is being harmed? If so, you should do whatever is going to help that person, which often means revealing the secret. Will someone be hurt by you revealing the secret? Then, you might be better off keeping it. What if revealing the secret is the right thing to do, but someone could get hurt by you revealing it? Then, things get complicated, and what I advise you to do is talk through this decision with someone else. If it’s really not clear whether you should keep the secret or reveal it, you can talk about this secret with a third party and see what they think. Someone you trust to help you work through this difficult decision.

In Which kind of person (personal traits, values, demeanour, look...) do people often confide their secrets? Lets say you have 5 almost equally great friends but there is 1 of them who you can tell everything easily right away. Or some people that arent your friends but somehow they feel trustworthy, easy to confide in...

My research shows that you should choose someone who is compassionate (as they will be nonjudgmental and empathic) or someone who is assertive (as they will push you to do whatever it is that you need to do). If your friend is highly socially outgoing, you may not want to choose them, as outgoing people are more likely to let others’ secrets slip. If your friend is overly concerned with rules, I also would suggest choosing someone else. You want to choose someone who will be compassionate, someone who will be helpful, and someone who will keep your secret safe.

What is your favorite fact in the psychology of secrets? A quote I love to tell people about secrets was hung above the door of Louisiana mob boss Carlos Marcello "3 can keep a secret if 2 are dead"

Most people think that hiding secrets in conversation is the hard part of secrecy. But my research shows that hiding secrets in conversation is actually the easiest part! The hard part of having a secret is not that we have to hide it, but that we have to live with it alone in our thoughts.

This is way too logical and easy people love to gossip and what's better then a juicy secret right? So come on is there something more obscure that still boggles even you?

Here’s another one. The most common secret that people have that they don’t talk about is what I call “extra-relational thoughts” where you are in a relationship, and you have some kind of romantic thought about another person. Now yes, it is super obvious why people don’t reveal that. But that people consider a mere thought they had as a secret fascinates me.

What was your favorite study you did while researching?

Did any participants reveal a secret that was illegal? And if so how did you handle it?

It’s not a study, strictly speaking, but my favorite is when we installed the secret telephone in parks throughout NYC.

https://secrettelephone.com/

We have folks admit to illegal behavior all the time: theft and also illegal drug use (although I’m sure you meant something juicer).

Are there any interesting correlations around secret keeping and class or secret keeping and mental health? In my mind secret keeping is very connected to things like abuse, manipulation, addiction. Is it ever ‘good’?

If you are keeping a secret about things like that – abuse, addiction, etc – that is often a very big problem, because if you are keeping those secrets, it means very likely you are not working on those problems. Someone who keeps secrets a way of dealing with problems is often not working on those problems at all.

Hi Michael! What led your interest into the study of secrets?

I originally studied secrecy out of an interest in metaphor. I was interested in the metaphor people use to talk about secrets – that they can weigh us down, be heavy, be weighty. My original studies explored: Does thinking about a secret actually make us feel weighed down? And then, I learned a huge family secret that had been kept from me my whole life, and then I started studying secrecy more directly – what secrets people keep and how they affect us. On page 1 of my book, I talk about this huge secret I learned in my own life!

Does keeping a lot of secrets for a long time affect you psychologically in a negative way? Does the type of secrets you keep matter? For instance, if those secrets have to do with your very identity... e.g. a gay man keeping his sexuality a secret from his family.

Yes, the nature of your secret matters a great deal. If keeping a secret can protect you (e.g., your family does not approve), then keeping the secret could be doing some good, at least in the short term as it avoids some kind of fallout. But keeping a secret forever is not a solution to this problem either. It’s a difficult situation, for sure, but you should not cope alone. Talk to others and get their advice.

Are pathological or compulsive liars 'created' out of a necessity (or perceived necessity) to keep secrets? What is the correlation between lying and secret-keeping? In cases where the (let's assume life-altering) secret is revealed, will they be 'cured', or continue to lie?

The relationship between secrecy and lying is complex. You might have told a big lie, and you do not want anyone to ever learn about this, and so a lie can be a secret. Lying is also a way to keep a secret. But importantly, there are other ways to keep a secret, besides lying. You can avoid a certain topic of conversation. If someone asks a question, you can reflect by asking a question of your own, or introducing a new topic of conversation. If you have a life altering secret, I recommend not being entirely alone with it. If it’s something really big, you don’t have to go it alone. Talking to someone else is often so incredibly helpful. Revealing can feel like a weight lifted from your shoulders, but what’s even more helpful besides that feeling of catharsis is having a conversation with another person, who can offer new perspectives, advice, and emotional support.

Conspiracy theories are often criticized because of the number of people required to keep secrets. Does your research support that idea? Are you less likely to believe in conspiracy theories because of it?

You are right to be skeptical of conspiracy theories for this very reason! Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. And you point to a great place for future research on the intersection between secrecy and conspiracy theories.

Sometimes when I share something about myself that could be called a secret, afterwards I feel very deep shame and regret, any insights what could cause this?

I’ve been there. Where I think, “Oh no, I shouldn’t have said that!” The good news is that while you might be ruminating on it afterwards, the other person likely isn’t. Our worst fears when it comes to revelations very rarely come to fruition.

What are the long-term emotional effects of keeping a secret and not dealing with the guilt in a healthy manner?

No research has yet to examine the effect of time on secret keeping. Maybe you get lucky and with time, the secret becomes easier. But if there is some underlying problem that needs to be resolved, time may make things worse.

How do I teach my young children that it’s not ok for other adults to ask them to keep secrets?

To send a clear message on this important issue, you should also not ask your child to keep secrets on your behalf. You want your children to have a healthy relationship with secrets, especially by the time they reach their teenage years. Another line you can draw is that if the secret is about somebody being harmed, they should always tell you about it.

How many types of secrets are there & To what type of peoples we can share our secrets?

See the bottom of this page for a list of the 38 most common categories of secrets

http://www.columbia.edu/\~ms4992/Secrecy.htm

And who should you share your secret with? My research shows that you should choose someone who is compassionate (as they will be nonjudgmental and empathic) or someone who is assertive (as they will push you to do whatever it is that you need to do). If revealing the secret entangles the person into the problem, you might be better off choosing someone else. If revealing a secret will scandalize the person, you might be better off choosing someone else. You could reveal a secret to someone you are close to, or a total stranger who doesn’t know anyone that you know.

How would you explain any relationship between repressed secrets and vivid dreams?

There is some fascinating scientific research on dreams, which shows what we have all long suspected – that ongoing concerns and troubles can seep into our dreams. The lesson to take here is that if your mind keeps returning to something over and over, why do you think that is? Do you need to work on something? Make some important decision? Whatever it is, know that you don’t have to figure it out alone. You can talk to others, and they will help.

Some things are so taboo that people won’t even admit to them anonymously online. Why is this? Some taboos are openly talked about online, but others never are.

There are certain topics of conversation people find extremely uncomfortable. Sex is a common one. Money is another. If you feel you’ve done something wrong and immoral, it makes a lot of sense that you would be reluctant to talk about it. And then certain topics can feel taboo specifically in the context of a romantic relationship. For example, it often feels taboo to talk about the inanimate details of a prior relationship with a current partner. It often feels taboo to talk about the status of the relationship. If there is something that feels too taboo to talk about, I would ask yourself why it seems taboo, and could there be someone out there who you would be comfortable talking about it with? I think the issues we feel are more taboo are those that seem immoral, or those that seem too uncomfortable to talk about. But, still, for most secrets, we do have something to gain by talking about them, if we choose the right person to reveal to.

WHAT are the biggest psyops out there?

I bet that’s a secret!

In Bresson's movie Pickpocket, a character is keeping their work a secret from their closest friends. Themes of distrust and passion show throughout, but what I couldn't shake was my fascination with that character's resilience - even after multiple assurances from their closest friend, they wouldn't admit to a secret even when it was obviously suspected. My question from this would be, why do you think we have such dramatic tension and emotions associated with secrecy?

An answer I would predict would include the basic social instincts of us, where gossip and hierarchy determines the internalized power structures we depend on. But this is your interview and your question - I just jealously wanted to share an answer as well as a question! I highly recommend this film for a story which revolves around secrecy.

At the end of the day, we don’t want to be alone in our thoughts. And this is why so often we are tempted to reveal our secrets. The normal course of life is when you have a thought, you share it with others. But when we choose to keep a secret we do not allow ourselves to benefit from others. Many of our secrets come with this tension. The thing to know is for most secrets, other people’s reactions (especially trusted others) respond in a far less negative way than we imagine.

Situation: sometimes I have an urge to share someone else’s secret because its a really impressive story or a story that could help another person with their life situation. What if I tell this secret to sb (from a separate social circle) but I eliminate all identifying details — am I still a secret betrayer?

I think if you keep all identifying details secret, and there is zero chance the person you are talking to could piece together who you are talking about, then it is okay to discuss the situation without identifying details. Another thing you could do, is to talk to the person with the secret, and say why you feel so tempted to tell someone else about the secret, and see how they respond!

What can one do to either motivate or encourage another to keep a secret, or deter them from revealing it? Obviously, aside from putting gun to their head 😅

And then on the opposite side, what’s the best methods of ascertaining another’s secret?

Yes, certainly don’t do that! If you think someone is hiding something from you, the first thing you should know is that the research says that this kind of feeling stems more from how much we hide from others than how much they hide from us. If you think there is a specific topic someone you care about is avoiding, try bringing it up and see what happens. If this makes you more sure they are keeping something secret, you want them to know that they can trust you, and you are there for them. You want to assure them that your relationship can withstand the revelation and you are there to help. And if this makes them reveal, do help!

Do you think it’s healthy/normal for married couples to keep secrets from each other? And bonus question, what do you think the world would be like without secrets?

It’s completely normal to keep secrets from your partner, especially when we are talking about the small stuff. If there is something big you are keeping secret that could be a problem, and you should ask yourself if you have made the right choice here. If revealing something would needlessly hurt your partner’s feelings, most people agree you should keep it secret (e.g., if someone said something nasty about your partner, it may be better to not repeat the remark). This is why we will never live in a world without secrets. Sometimes holding back is the compassionate thing to do. This is what many people call “white lies.” If you just arrived at a party, and your friend asks you how their outfit looks, and you don’t think it looks good, if it’s too late to change, most people agree, you should be nice rather than brutally honest.

"World's expert". Boast much?

There’s a thread on this elsewhere in the comments!