We are a podcaster who interviews couples who are in love with each other and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here to answer you questions about love, marriage and relationships. Ask us anything, Reddit!

My wife has zero sex drive due to meds, and it's starting to make me feel like shit. What advice can you give?

Edit: man this really created a interesting discussion, she's on meds for her heart, we've been married 2 years, together 10. We're both roughly 30

An answer from Nate and Laura together:

Typically speaking, men primarily desire sex and women primarily desire intimacy. Not getting the sex that makes you feel connected to your wife can really take a toll on your relationship.

The first thing I'd recommend is making sure you have open and honest communication. Make sure that the issue of low desire isn't an attack on you or on her, but on the meds and their effect on her.

Next, take into consideration that there are other ways to experience pleasure and connectedness without having sex. Maybe discuss some of those alternatives like having intimate massages (make sure to hit some of the erogenous zones) or having a deep conversation, or sharing/learning a new a passion together.

If the meds are killing her desire you can talk about how she can choose desire instead of waiting for it to happen. Many women don't get "in the mood" until they become aroused. How can she lean into intimacy and affection instead of waiting for the desire to naturally occur in the relationship.

Also, it's worth noting that the meds also may be making her dry, you may want to look into a good lube

In all reality, throughout the course of any relationship, our chemistry ebbs and flows. At some point you might experience a dip in your testosterone which could lower your sex drive. This is just a part of being married... things change. Our bodies change. Our interests change. The success of our relationships hinge on our ability to turn towards each other and tackle these issues together.

edit: Emphasis added

edit 2: Reddit, I owe you an apology. I made an erroneous and over broad claim that men desire sex more than women, and women desire intimacy more than men. I'm a student of love and relationships and will admit that I do not know everything.

Lots of awesome commenters here have been kind enough to show me some new perspectives, and a few even backed it up with data, which I love.

These AMA's are fun, and in an effort to respond to everyone quickly, it can be easy to not fact-check, or to say things that muddy the water more than clear it up. That wasn't my intention. I've learned a lot over the last few years talking to experts and couples on the podcast, and hope to continue learning more. Thanks for holding me accountable and making sure the information on this AMA is accurate and contributes positively to peoples' lives!

Typically speaking, men primarily desire sex and women primarily desire intimacy.

Sorry, but I'm not able to take you guys seriously anymore.

Yeah that seems like the sort of shitty platitude Steve Harvey would use.

For future reference, before name calling, just ask us to back up our claims before jumping to conclusions, and we'll be happy to do so. (Being compared to Steve Harvey kind of stings...)

First off, let me clarify that in no way was the original post meant to insinuate that sex does not matter at all to women, or that intimacy is not important to men.

There are no universal laws when it comes to love and romance... we were just stating them as a general rule. How did we come to that conclusion?

One possible source (of many) can be found here.

Among couples in the first two years of their relationships, 67% of gay couples, 45% of heterosexual couples, and 33% of lesbian couples had sex three times a week or more.

So, there is a correlation between number of penises in a relationship and the frequency of sex.

The original question is a complex one and probably requires a lot more context to give a complete answer. Unfortunately the format of an AMA doesn't allow us the opportunity to sit down face-to-face and really dig deep into the issue at hand with the couple.

Hopefully this adds some clarity and context to the above response /u/lifelongnoob, /u/dogmancatcow, /u/dunebug, and others.

Great! And then of course there are also sources like this:

NHSLS interviewed a nationally representative random sample of U.S. adults about diverse aspects of sexual life... Contrary to gender stereotypes, women's emotional satisfaction was closely associated with bodily sexual practices, whereas men's physical pleasure was linked to relational factors.

It's never as simple as a sweeping generalization, and offering one helps no one.

Great point. I'm honestly zooming through these comments, and will admit I'm not an end-all-be-all expert on everything. I love learning new things, so when people toss me stats like this, I'm happy to jump on board.

I'm happy to admit my assertion was not on point and probably overly broad.

Thanks for sharing!

My wife and I have been through this issue. Some thoughts:

1. Is your wife on-board with the notion that sexual intimacy is important to your relationship?
2. Has your wife spoken to her doctor about her libido drop? Sometimes an alternative medication can be prescribed or something else can be done to increase libido.
3. You may need to expand your definition of "sex" to include other intimate contact other than traditional PIV sex. Is there some amount of intimate contact that she desires or is at least comfortable with? I mean, if she really wants as little as possible, this could be something as innocuous as she cuddles with you and gives you tender kisses while you get yourself off.
4. Is she on this medication permanently or is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Good luck!

Great thoughts!

What advice do you have for couples living in small spaces for money-saving reasons? My boyfriend and I moved into a studio apartment to save on rent, and it's been challenging. No idea how those tiny house people do it...any ideas?

This is a fantastic question, and both Laura and I have had some experience with this.

When you're trapped in a small space all the time, it can be so easy to get on each others' nerves and drive one another crazy. It can be really really hard.

Here are a few tips:

Have your own hobbies:

Take some time every week to spend time doing something you love with people you love, and who aren't your partner. Take a dance class, or have a standing coffee date with your best friend. Try painting or running.

That time to be away from your partner can really help to recharge your batteries.

Practice Self Care

Most people get irritated and impatient in their relationships because they're not taking care of themselves. They become irritated, or short tempered, or angry because they haven't taken time for themselves, they haven't been exercising or managing their stress well, or they've been neglecting other important relationships.

Take care of yourself to make sure you can be at your best for your partner.

Create a code word:

You could consider creating a code word that either one of you can use to request some personal space or time alone. The other person would be required to go for a 20 minute walk, or go run some errands and leave the other person with some time to decompress in a safe space.

Have space in the apartment: I know your place is small, but can you designate a specific space (even if it's just a chair) that is yours, and one that's his. This will give you a bit of stability within the 4 crowded walls of your studio.

Establish times when you can be alone in the apartment:

Make an agreement with your partner that every week on X day at Y time, you need the apartment to yourself for a period of time (and vice versa).

Learn to Fight

When you're in close proximity for extended periods of time, you'll likely have conflict. Remember that a fight is just a conversation you probably should have had earlier.

Have the conversation. Talk about what's best for the relationship, not what's best for you. Be honest and look beyond what might be the obvious issue at hand. The issue of "Not having space" could really be something much more personal like feeling a loss of identity, or a lack of respect. If you can figure out what you need to feel respected, or to get in touch with your identity again, the "not having space" issue can disappear.

My hubbie and I have been together 24 years, married 18. We're in our early 40s now, and still deeply love each other and look forward to another 30-40 years together. I'm just curious - do you see any common threads amongst the couples that have made it for the long haul? Is there a "secret" to keeping a marriage a loving relationship that lasts for decades?

I love that you have been together for so long! Congrats!

There are lots of common threads in the couples who not only stay together, but thrive. The biggest one is that they treat their relationship like it's a skill that they want to master.

The greatest pianists, vocalists, artists, scientists... they never stop trying to master their craft. They are always trying to learn something new, or understand and master their art in a different way.

Your relationship is constantly evolving, and you're never done working on it. Couples who find new ways to surprise and delight each other, who pursue interests together, who learn new things together, who intentionally create moments of intimacy and connection throughout their days, who take a stand for each other's dreams... they are the couples who last and thrive.

Keep falling in love with each other. Take the advice of Terri Schenzel and love your partner in a way that changes their life:

At the end of Ty’s life, I want him to be able to say, “Terri was the greatest earthly blessing in my life – the best thing that ever happened to me – and that I’m a better man because of how she loved me.” And that’s the goal that I live with every day. That’s how I want to love this man.

Is there any value, do you think, in couples going to therapy when there aren't any apparent issues within the marriage? Are there such things as retreats/classes/whatever to help couples who are otherwise happy continue to keep that bond strong?

Absolutely!

There are tons of couples who go see a counselor or a coach to make sure they keep their relationship in the right direction. I actually wish more people would do this. It's such a good practice.

The Gottman Institute does private couples retreats. Personally, I did the Landmark Forum several years ago and got a lot of value out of it - though some people aren't fans of their format. I also really like Alison Armstrong's workshops... she does a lot of work with the masculine and the feminine.

Most prominent therapists do some sort of retreat that could be worth looking into. I'd recommend read a few relationship books and seeing if you can find an author you really like, then reaching out to them to see what kinds of programs they have available.

Also, allons-y!

Landmark forum is definitely not for everyone. I have to say that it did expand my thinking outside of my own head, but good God was it boring and led by a sociopath.

I prefer validation therapy in a one on one setting to the retreats. I feel like you could read a book and get out of it whatever you could at a landmark forum-esque type of thing.

Agreed. I'm glad I did it, and I got a lot out of it... but I don't know if I'd do it again.

Also, just a curious question. Have you noticed any sort of trend in marriage happiness when it comes to kids? E.g. Having them/not having them.

Research shows that 2/3 of relationships experience a sharp decline in happiness after the birth of their first child...

And this I feel really strongly that this video is relevant to your question.

Happiness isn't defined as pleasure. It's the joy you feel moving towards your potential. Joy is something you can experience even when life is not pleasurable.

Is a significant other a necessary part of life?

I consider myself to be a happy person, content with life. I have never been in a long term committed relationship and am now in my early thirties. I still go on dates and have a healthy social life full of family, friends and hobbies but as I get older more of my friends get married, have children and settle down.

Personally, I have never made that connection with another person to follow a relationship to the next level of commitment beyond casual dating. People around me say I just haven't found the right "one" yet. I don't believe that statement. The women I have dated have been amazing people (with a few exceptions). I feel like it's my brain that might be hard wired different than societies current norms. My relationships usually last a few months, then fade into a more friendship based relationship that I still maintain with them to this day.

My friends often ask if I ever get lonely (live by myself in a studio apartment for almost the last decade) and the truth is sometimes I do but it is very rare and not that negative of an emotion that doesn't last long. I guess the reason I am asking this question is because of a fear in the back of my head that 20-30 years down the road I may regret the mindset of the present time me.

A significant other is absolutely not a necessary part of life.

This may sound counterintuitive, but the man in one of my favorite interviews was single into his mid 50's. He was pretty set on being life-long bachelor and had no problems with that.

As an unmarried dude in my 30's, I've started to realize that many people don't think you can be truly happy until you have a life similar to theirs. They've forgotten what it's like to be single, and have no context for what it's like to be single and happy.

Being in a relationship isn't necessary. You can live an incredibly awesome, fulfilling, and happy life without ever being in a relationship. One of my favorite examples of this is Dr. Love himself, (and my personal hero) Leo Buscaglia.

Would you rather fight one horse sized duck or one hundred duck sized horses? Also what causes most divorces?

If it was hand-to-hand combat, I'd fight 100 duck sized horses. Definitely.

If I had my choice of weapons, I'd choose one horse-sized duck... just to get it over with.

What causes most divorces?

Studies attribute divorce to things like money, sex, how to raise kids, or religion. I think this is a load of crap and doesn't address the real issue.

The real reason people get divorced is simple. They don't know how to handle conflict. They fight dirty.

The way you fight has a much bigger impact on the longevity of your relationship than what you fight about.

Fighting, arguing, and disagreeing is not a bad thing if you know how to do it respectfully. As a matter of fact, these disagreements often lead to more intimacy and closeness. They are an opportunity to practice empathy and kindness and to relate to your partner.

When you argue and your conversations are filled with criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and emotional shutdowns (or stonewalling) you're putting yourself in a really bad spot.

John Gottman is famous for being able to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy by watching couples fight. It wasn't what they were fighting about that he was watching for, but how they communicate with each other.

Learn to fight nicely, and you'll be in really good shape!

Any tips or resources for learning how to "fight nicely"? My fiancé and I have been exploring these issues and are both committed to stopping the bad behavior, but it's tough to break old habits!

Absolutely! Check out the book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work! It's the best resource I know of. Do the exercises together. It will change your life.

With young kids (1 & 4), jobs, life, etc... How do you make sure sexy time is happening? I feel like by the end of the day I'm exhausted and having sex with my husband is the furthest thing from my mind. Plus there is usually at least one kid in our bed!

This problem is SO SO common. I'm so glad you asked about it. When life gets crazy, often times things that are important to us take a back seat. These tips will help you make (or re-make) sex a priority in your relationship:

Scheduling Sex

A lot of people resist this idea because it makes sex feel like another thing on the "To-Do List." But here's the deal... you have to make time for the things that are important to you.

Knowing that every Thursday night you have sexy times on the calendar means that you can start getting yourself in the mood, and even initiate foreplay starting Wednesday night.

If you choose to have fun with it, scheduling sex can be a-maz-ing.

Morning Sex

If you have kids in your bed at night, it might be worth waking up a little early for some mookie (morning nookie).

I also know of some families that have created boundaries with their kids that their bedroom, or their bed is for mommy and daddy only. Or that when the door is closed, mom and dad are not available.

Many sex experts agree that it's important for kids to know that their parents need "alone time". It helps them model healthy adult relationships for themselves.

Shower Sex

This is fun, and you're killing two birds with one stone. Get clean and get dirty at the same time, yo!

Meeting for Lunch

A quickie in the parking lot can be fun...

Baby Swapping

Find some friends or neighbors with kids. Trade off weeks watching each other's small humans so you can have a standing date night.

Make sure your date nights are planned out in advance, and involve time and space for romance.

Make sex a priority... I promise it will pay off.

I am self-employed as an artist and not contributing consistent money to our household, and can occasionally go as much as two months between paychecks. What are some things I can do day-to-day to maintain the power-dynamic in our relationship and make my partner see that I need time to work on my projects, as well as maintaining a sense of self-worth that isn't tied to my partner's image of me?

Laura and I are collaborating on this one.

There are a lot of different ways for a couple to contribute to the relationship. Money is just one of the ways you can contribute.

That being said, I'm curious to hear more about what you mean by "power dynamic."

To me it sounds like you feel like your partner doesn't respect or support your passion or your dream. Laura and I actually recently did a podcast episode where we talked about the importance of sharing in and supporting the dreams of your partner. Maybe you can listen to it together.

I'm also curious to know if you're experiencing transference... meaning you think something of yourself (like that pursuing your art makes you less valuable as a partner), and then you project those ideas onto your partner and assume that they feel that way.

I fall into this trap a lot. I make up a story of how other people see me, and then get mad that I think they see me that way without ever confirming whether or not my story is true.

If you give us a little more detail, maybe we can help address this more specifically... I'm sure a lot of it is circumstantial.

How often do you interview couples who are still "in love", yet do not have sex frequently?

Great question.

One of my favorite quotes from the podcast comes from Ty and Terri.

They were at dinner one night with some good friends. They were talking about their relationships and Terri said something like, "We have an amazing relationship. Everything is great. The bedroom isn't fantastic, but other than that, everything is pretty great."

Her friend looked at her and said, "Terri, if your sex life isn't thriving, your marriage isn't thriving."

Sex is an important part of romantic love. It has a really strong negative effect on the relationship when it's not present (unless it's consensual). Most people who think otherwise typically have really low desire and assume that everyone else relates to sex the way they do... which is pretty closeminded in my opinion.

So... I believe it's rare that I interview a couple who isn't having sex frequently unless it's been discussed and agreed upon like Maurice and Diane did for the last 20 years of their marriage.

How do you fall in love again with a partner that cheated on you?

After 2 years our relationship is starting to feel "normal" again, a new normal. But even with things getting better, my feelings for him and our relationship haven't come back. There's a lot of good to walk away from but I can't continue forever if I can't learn to love him again.

It's possible, but it can be a long journey.

The book "Not, 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass is a great resource.

The first thing you'll need to come to terms with at this point is that your relationship will never be the same as it used to be. You have a choice to create a new relationship with your partner, or with someone else... and it's up to you.

If you choose to create a new relationship with your partner, it will require you to grieve the loss of the old relationship, which can be painful and take time.

Many people go through this process, and actually create a much stronger and more satisfying relationship than they once had. These relationships often consist of a newfound honesty and transparency, which result in a higher level of closeness and intimacy.

To get there, however, you must go through the process of forgiveness, mourning, grieving, and learning to trust again... which, in my opinion, will push you to be a much better person and leave you feeling pretty awesome.

Also, it's worth noting that "at least one or both parties in 50 percent of all couples, married and living together, straight and gay, will break their vows of sexual or emotional exclusivity during the lifetime of the relationship."... so you're not alone... not even close.

Have hope! It's possible.

How do you choose the couples you interview?

I typically choose them based on referral. When I talk to people about the podcast I always ask them "Who is a couple you really look up to and admire, and why?"

I get a whole slew of awesome stories... when one piques my interest, I ask for their contact info, and we sit down and talk.

I think everyone has at least one couple they really admire.

What age do you think is good for a guy to start dating? Also, how do i talk to a girl? (Whether i like her or not)

People are ready to start dating at different ages... and lots of people have different ideas of what dating is.

Our generation doesn't really relate to the idea of "courting" which is non-committal dating to just get used to being with the opposite sex. But I'd recommend most people start there with the permission of their parents.

Personally, I didn't start dating till I was 16. Laura says she started around the same time.

How do I talk to a girl? Sweetly and with kindness.

Be nice. And treat her like you would treat any other human.

Arguably the best conversation starter ever? "Hi, I'm /u/BadXLucretius112. What's your name?"

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Great question /u/ereiu. You are not alone. Feelings like that are exactly why I started my podcast.

So here's the deal, you're not naive for wanting that kind of love... and to be quite honest, it exists.

But here's the deal - and here's where most people are quote naive - that kind of love doesn't just occur naturally.

Many people believe if I meet the "right" person, things will work out. WRONG

That's not how it works.

You don't just meet someone and suddenly you have the skills to manage conflict, talk about sex, balance a budget, read each other's minds, and fulfill and satisfy each other's desires.

Love is a skill that you develop over time with access to the right tools, principles, examples, and mentors. And to be honest, most people don't ever get the education they need, or do the practice required to create the love they want.

If you want that love one day, you can have it. You and your partner just need to be committed to putting in the effort. Read a book on relationships (written by someone who knows what they're talking about, like The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, or The New Rules of Marriage). Take a class. Go talk to the couples who have the kind of love you want and ask them to mentor you.

Do the work and you'll reap the rewards. I promise.

How do you get over an infidelity?

My girlfriend moved back home across the country to stay with her parents while she finished school. Almost immediately after arriving she met up with a friend with benefits she had and slept with him. It was a four hour drive to his city, so this was no "I ran into him at the bar" scenario. She also admitted to looking up people on OkCupid and going out for drinks with them when she had told me she was going to sleep. On one of those occasions she said she got drunk, went back to the guys house and went for a swim in his pool. Afterwards she took a shower, and she said he came in the bathroom and got in the shower with her, then she got upset with him, got out of the shower and left his house.

She admitted these things to me maybe a month or so after they occurred. This was 5 or 6 months ago.

Initially the news shook me up a bit, but I'm generally of the mindset that cheating can happen, and it doesn't have to mean the definite end of a relationship. Additionally, I had expressed my desire to try an open relationship with my girlfriend in the past, so the idea of her sleeping with another guy had already been in my mind, although under more truthful and fair circumstances. She flat out rejected this suggestion from me.

I stopped feeling upset about the cheating fairly quickly. I didn't feel mad at her anymore.

The issue is that now she is back living with me for about a month now, I get skeptical of her whenever she mentions male friends, specifically a guy in her class she does a study group with, and whom she has mentioned she may meet up with at some point for school related work. She has offered to have him over to our house to study so I could meet him if it would make me feel better.

I don't want to be the controlling boyfriend, so generally I just ignore these feelings and don't mention anything, but every once in a while they will come up and I will get skeptical about who she is with or what she is doing. She gets upset when I mention how I'm feeling, saying I don't trust her, and all I can really tell her is that sometimes those feelings are going to come up, and it's not exactly my fault that I feel this way.

It's also pretty upsetting that from very early in our relationship I had mentioned that I had always wanted to try an open relationship, and she said it was something that she was adamantly against, but then goes and behaves that way, when she could have just agreed to try it out. Another thing that bothers me is that she is always very skeptical about my plans and who I'm talking to, even though I've never done anything to break her trust. It seems very hypocritical.

I'm just curious what I could do to stop feeling paranoid when she meets a new male friend. Sometimes I'll even just think about her past infidelity and that will trigger some skepticism about her.

Am I wrong in feeling / behaving this way? Do I have a right to ask for extra proof about her whereabouts based on her past behavior? I'm sure this will pass eventually once she's earned my trust back but is there any way to make it go faster? Or is it healthier to feel it out and let it run it's course?

EDIT: to clarify, this is not a non stop debilitating paranoia or anything like that. It comes up infrequently when she mentions meeting a male classmate, or something similar, and then all of a sudden I'm wondering if she really is working late that night, or why it's taken her four hours to text me back when she said she's just hanging out at home while I'm at work. It usually goes away after a few days and then we're back to being a happy loving couple.

Infidelity can really really suck. I'm sorry you're going through this.

From your post, it sounds to me like it's not so much the infidelity that upsets you, but the lack of trust.

Often when people are cheated on, it's not the act of having sex with someone else that does the damage, but the emotional betrayal that really leaves the wake of destruction.

If the relationship is going to survive, you need to rebuild trust. That starts with her being willing to be honest about her infidelities without you having to be a sleuth and find them out on your own. If every time she lies to you, it requires you to track down all the evidence and hold it in front of her face as proof, you're never going to be able to trust her.

One of the most important things you can do to help her tell the truth is make sure she feels emotionally safe telling you truths that may be really painful.

When we emotionally erupt and jump down our partner's throat when they tell us the truth, we are sending them the message that they will be better off hiding the hard truths from us in the future because we obviously can't handle them with grace.

You must create a safe space for her to be honest with you. It might be worth seeing a therapist who specializes in infidelity to help you with this.

There's also been studies that show that the person who cheats often distrusts their partner. The easy way to describe it is that they think, "If I can cheat, anyone can cheat... and they probably are." Because they can't be trusted, they inherently distrust others.

These things need to be addressed. And they will get addressed in one way or another whether you bury them or confront them today. I recommend finding a good time to talk about this with your partner at a time and in a place where you can both feel emotionally secure and be honest with one another.

My husband seems to enjoy spending time with his phone instead of with me. He's not watching porn....he's just reading the news, Redditing and watching shows. He spends about 4 hours a night (7-10pm)on his phone. I'm a really active person so I go to bed at about 9/9:30. He complains that we don't spend time together because I go to bed too early! I imagine that this is a common problem these days. What do I do?

You can do a lot of things!

No Phone Zone

Make your bedroom a No Phone Zone. Leave your chargers outside your room. Buy analog alarm clocks. Make sure your bedroom is a place that promotes connection and face-to-face communication.

No Technology Hours

You may want to consider dedicating specific hours in your day to connection by not using technology. This could also help you sleep better.

Pursue Hobbies

Pick a weekly/monthly hobby you can pursue together that requires you to be off your phones. Go rock climbing. Go hiking. Take a dance lesson. Get out of the house.

Be honest

It's probably not his being on the phone that really bugs you, but the fact that you are feeling distant, lonely, and/or unimportant. Own that. Tell him, "Hey, I need to tell you something that makes me nervous. I've been feeling really distant from you lately. I miss you. And I don't feel like I'm a priority anymore. Sometimes when you're with me I don't think you're really with me. It would mean a lot if when we are together, you put your phone away for X time so that I can reconnect with you. I love you."

That might be a good place to start.

I''ll preface this that I'm a senior in high school right now, just to clear a few thing up.

I'm somewhat of an oddity with my dating life, if I can even call it that. Last year around the start of my semester some of my friends decided that a girl who was new to the school and I should date, we were already friends, but I had only known her for maybe two weeks, and I like to get to know at least a little about how someone treats people before I make any move to ask them out. Usually, I get rejected or told "You're too much of a friend to me." However, my friends agressively pushed for us to get together, so before the third week of school had even finished, we were "together."

This was my first romantic relationship, so I just went with what people told me to do. I would text her often, I brought her breakfast from home that we could eat on the bus together, and she was even the first person I kissed. I did my best to be polite no matter the scenario, and when she said "I love you," for the first time [within about two weeks], I said "I love you too."

Here's the thing about me though, I am a really loving person, despite what people might percieve, so I've always used the word love when describing my relationship with certain people, such as my friends and mentors, but about two weeks later I realized that I didn't have any romantic feeling for her, and I had to think about that for a while.

A few days after I realized this and was considering what to do we were sitting together in the lounge after lunch and she asked me: "Hey, you've been different for the last few days, what's up?" I sighed softly and told her that I didn't have any feelings for her, I didn't want to be dating, but I feel we'd be better friends. At first, she took it badly, but we're friends now.

I just want to know, did I handle that correctly?

Relationships are confusing and hard... they're even more confusing and hard when you're a teenager in high school.

I want to give you props for:

1. Being willing to take a risk on someone, and put your heart on the line.
2. Being an open and honest communicator despite the truth being potentially painful. This is a hard thing to master for many people, and the fact that you're already doing it is definitely worth of praise
3. Paying attention to and understanding what you were feeling. We call that emotional intelligence. Keep developing that muscle. It will come in handy down the road.

High school is crazy and emotional and hard... and it can be a ton of fun. Keep learning and growing from your experiences, and you'll be in good shape!

How do you know when you're ready for marriage?

I don't think anyone is ever ready... but you can be prepared. The best way to prepare is to educate yourself and develop the skills you'll need to be an awesome spouse.

Practice managing your emotions and having civil discussions when someone disagrees with you.

Practice giving compliments and expressing gratitude and appreciation to others.

Practice taking care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally.

Practice managing your money responsibly.

Practice being kind and looking for opportunities to serve and uplift others.

Practice developing the skills that would make you an awesome partner.

This will help you be prepared to be an awesome partner, and also help you recognize a good potential partner when they come around!

Thanks for doing this AMA!

1. Do you think there's much point in couples who aren't married going to couples counseling? Say, in your twenties and dating a few years? Or just cut your losses?

2. I know fighting is about HOW you fight, but can a couple fight TOO much--to the point you don't know how to come back anymore? What do you say to couples who become scared to be around each other because they often fight? If one or both are defensive people, how do you avoid the fights or fight better? And again, is there (or when is it) a time to cut your losses?

When you really love someone and your relationship is struggling, it's hard to know where to draw the line between continuing to fight for love, or choosing self-preservation.

I've been there, I know how horrible it can be.

I think counseling can be a great thing. It helps to have someone who is an expert in relationships take an objective look at your relationship from the outside. They may have a few simple suggestions that can help you tweak the way you communicate that can clear up any major issues you're having... or they may see some really abusive behaviors that you're blind to and help you see some other paths.

So yes, worth it.

To answer your second question, if you don't feel safe in your relationship, that's a red flag. It means there's a lack of emotional intelligence, and/or kindness, and/or empathy. Those things can be developed over time if there is a commitment to it.

If there's a lot of defensiveness in your relationship, that's a red flag. It's one of John Gottman's 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It will eat away at your relationship so quickly.

Whether or not you want to cut your losses is up to you... but a question someone once asked me really helped me make a clear choice:

If you knew nothing would change about your relationship down the road, would you continue to be with this person?

Might be worth considering what your answer to that would be...

What advice would you give to someone starting a podcast about psychology?

Just start.

Stop talking about it, and do it.

Reach out to your first 10 guests this weekend and invite them to be interviewed.

You can do it over Skype or Google Hangout.

Then publish the interviews. Use Libsyn... it's easy.

Don't worry about all the technical stuff and equipment too much. Just get the ball rolling and do something. Your love for the podcast will inspire you to keep improving it down the road.

Well I'm going to be doing it for my Psych capstone this semester and having not done one before, I'm worried that there will be awkward pauses. How do you deal with a lull in the conversation in your podcasts?

Silence is your friend. People are uncomfortable with it. So when you allow for silence, most people will fill it with more talking.

You can always edit the breaks out.

Also, if you're ever in a spot where you don't know what question to ask, here are some of my favorites:

-"Why is that important to you?"

-"Tell me more about that."

I started listening to your podcasts when you were about 6 episodes in. I had just ended a 6.5 year relationship/10 year friendship with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. While nothing you've covered has been earth shattering for me the discussions I've heard over the years has helped reaffirm my growth as a person and choices I've made in dealing with my personal relationships both romantic and otherwise.

Getting rid of all the toxic people and how to engage when I'm upset were definitely key. It's been very disconcerting to some of the women I've dated with how open and calm I've gotten accustom to being during conflict. Making it so that even when things don't work out we've been able to stay platonic friends with mutual respect which is something I never had prior. Plus the honesty thing has made me realize people are really accepting of things you'd think they wouldn't be if you just get it out in the open from the start.

For my questions.

I know you're out in Mormon country, but can we try and squeeze out more interviews with non Mormon couples? I haven't actually counted so I'm probably exaggerating, but I feel like every third interview has been one. ;]

Regarding faith. I know a lot of your couples are pretty strong in religious beliefs and if you read Reddit regularly you know that anytime discussion is brought up between those with faith and those with none that those couples are doomed from the start or couldn't exist due to lack of respect etc.

I've found myself dating a woman for nearly a year now that is very vested in her religion and her love of God. I, however am agnostic and very secular in how I handle life.

i.e. She believes God brought me into her life, but I believe that it's complete random circumstance.

We both respect each others beliefs and never try to proselytize our opinions even if they are rooted from said beliefs. We've both discussed it and don't feel like it has any impact now or in the future, but obviously the future is unwritten.

Do you guys come across this often and/or see success when you do?

Fantastic questions.

First, thanks for listening to the podcast! I really appreciate it. And to be really transparent with you, I really try hard to shy away from Mormon couples on the podcast these days. I'm sensitive to the fact that most of my listeners aren't Mormon and don't want to alienate them.

I have found that a large majority of Christians in general believe they have some sort of Jesus-fueled advantage in their relationship. I believe those people to be wrong in most regards. There are countless non-religious, agnostic, atheist, and mixed-religion couples that have mind-blowing love. Christians don't have a monopoly on it.

When it comes to navigating religion and belief structures, you need to have the skills requisite to manage any other recurring point of conflict in your relationship. The fact of the matter is that 69% of conflict in relationships is unresolvable... you deal with them over and over and over throughout your life.

You can totally be successful if you don't have the same religion. You just need to create boundaries and rules around how to have conversations that might be a little difficult that help you both feel safe and respected.

It's also worth noting that either one of you might decide that your beliefs are more important (or less important) to you at any given time.

I know many couples who never had conflict around religion until they had kids... then their religion suddenly became important to them again.

Be open to that happening. Make sure you help your partner feel safe to talk about whatever is on their mind. You'll be in good shape.

The fact of the matter is that 69% of conflict in relationships is unresolvable... you deal with them over and over and over throughout your life.

That seems rather shocking to me, could you possibly elaborate and/or provide a source for that statistic?

Here's a source for you.

Essentially the idea is that the majority of your problems don't just disappear. They have to be managed ongoing. For example, if your partner snores, or if you don't get along with your in-laws, or if one of you is more messy than the other... those things don't just go away, and you don't just randomly start agreeing on everything because you're in love.

They require you to seek new solutions, manage expectations, compromise, and learn to deal with the conflict in a healthy way.

My wife and I have been dating for over 10 years now, and married for over 4 years. We're still as madly in love now as we were when we first started dating. We do everything together. We have the same friends, the same hobbies, we watch the same TV shows together, everything. We're totally engrossed in one another.

I've been seeing a therapist recently, and he said that our relationship might not be healthy. He said we might be co-dependent. He said we should do things without each other sometimes.

Is this true? Can couples be too close to one another? Because we are very happy with how much we love each other and how easy our relationship seems to be compared to others, and it just feels weird to hear that we might be doing it wrong.

Hey! Laura is holding her baby right now, so she recorded a video response for you. Here it is.

Thank you for the video reply! Very informative and helpful.

To clarify though, I'm seeing a therapist alone to help cope with a mood disorder I have. It's not a couple's therapist. Though maybe we could look into doing couples therapy.

Here's the deal, every couple is different. Some people do everything together. Some people don't. Neither way is wrong.

I'd be wary of marriage advice coming from a therapist who doesn't specialize in relationships and who isn't familiar with both parties in the relationship.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

So I married a woman that's used to a better lifestyle than we can actually provide for each other. We actually make a good deal of money, but not the amount she always dreamed she was going to have as a kid. I grew up very poor, and as far as I'm concerned, based on what I had and what I was told to expect, I feel as if we're living like the Rockefellers.

I've read a lot of good marriage counseling books, and we did couples therapy though our church before we got married, she's even seeing a social worker to help. But sometimes it comes out, little bits, biting bits that hurt my pride and my feelings and make me even feel a little bit ashamed, because I know she would have done so much better had I not seduced her away from a social circle that had a lot more wealth than I reasonably expect to.

She is my princess, she is my everything, but I it hurts my heart to know she wants a bigger house and newer cars and more frequent vacations, and it's just not in the finances for us. In the past I was really upset and would point out that we are in the top x percent of American earners and we certainly shouldn't be unhappy. Her actually very valid response to this is that: "Yea, but pointing out where other people make less than we do doesn't change our situation any. Pointing out that other people have smaller houses than we do doesn't make my house bigger, pointing out that everyone you work with at the hospital drives older uglier cars doesn't make my car suddenly not the oldest car in the parking lot of the accounting firm."

We're pretty open and I feel like we communicate well, okay, we communicate at least fair to midland, bedroom life is good, we get along pretty well 95% of the time, but I really feel we just look at life in different ways. When I go chill out on the back patio, I think "Man this is the life" and she looks around and sees things to be ashamed of.

Any kind of advice for that?

Laura is holding her sleeping baby, so she recorded a video for you. Here it is... hope you like it!

Sorry to be a buzz kill, but... In your opposition's, when is it appropriate for a married couple to get a divorce? Are there steps a couple should seek leading up to a divorce - living apart for a time, seeking coupling, etc. - or should they go directly to legally separating???

A few co-workers and friends have all had divorce proceedings(?) started this year and I am curious when it is a good idea to just end the marriage. I'm not about to ask them about this issue right now, so I thought I'd ask experts.

When and how to divorce is different for everyone... and divorce can be brutal on the emotions and on the wallet.

Something interesting I recently learned about divorce is that it's actually contagious. Ever hear the quote by Jim Rohn, "You're the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with?"

Well, I'm a firm believer that your relationship is the average of the 5 couples you spend the most time with.

If lots of coworkers and friends are getting divorced, it might really take a toll on your relationship. Before throwing in the hat, I'd try changing up who you hang out with, and try spending time with people who LOVE being married... it might be really really helpful.

Do any of you read /r/relationships ? Do you ever evaluate the nature of the advice given by most redditors and how it would compare to the kind of advice you would give?

I drop by every so often.

The cynicism of that sub makes me feel really sad. So much of the advice there is "Give up!" or "Move on."

It's as if people don't believe that love is worth working for or fighting for. Or if it gets hard, or you have conflict you're not with the right person for some reason.

Love is amazing. And the best love is the love that endures hardship. And the only way love endures hardship is if you choose to keep working at it, improving yourself, and helping your partner be at their best.

I think if half the people in that sub knew the amazingness that was possible in a relationship they'd change their tune...

How to date: I am a young adult that is interested in marrying and having a family (eventually, I'm content enough with myself to ride solo). I want to date/court to decide if a woman would be a good wife, not for the fun of it. Do you have any advice/resources that would be good for a single person to have, when searching for a life long mate?

This post makes me so happy.

Here are a few tips that might help you out:

Dating is just Filtering

Dating is just a social construct to help you filter through unqualified candidates to find the ones who would be a good fit for you. The faster you filter, the faster you find the qualified partners.

The best way to filter, in my opinion (and in the opinion of one of my favorite relationship experts, Alison Armstrong) is to just be up front about what you're looking for right from the get-go.

On your first date (or even before your first date) ask the person you're talking to what they're looking for in a relationship. Then be up front and tell them what you're looking for. "I want to find someone to date exclusively that will eventually lead to marriage."

A lot of people say, "NO! Don't do that! It's weird and uncomfortable and chases people away." But that's the point. You want to chase away the people who don't want what you want. You don't want to waste time on people who aren't interested in creating the relationship you want.

Too many people go out, have chemistry, sleep with someone, start dating exclusively, get attached, then 3 or 4 months down the road find out that "Oh, you don't want to get married or have kids?"

Then, since they've spent so much time and effort investing in this relationship, they decide it's best to wait it out or try to change their partner, and that eventually they will come around.

It never works.

People lose months or even years of their lives investing in a relationship withs someone who doesn't share their goals and values that they could have avoided if they would have had the courage to ask a few questions out of the gates.

So... filter filter filter!

Prepare to be an awesome partner

Practice managing your emotions and having civil discussions when someone disagrees with you.

Practice giving compliments and expressing gratitude and appreciation to others.

Practice taking care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally.

Practice managing your money responsibly.

Practice being kind and looking for opportunities to serve and uplift others.

Practice developing the skills that would make you an awesome partner.

This will help you be prepared to be an awesome partner, and also help you recognize a good potential partner when they come around!

Why is it so difficult finding love?

Stop looking for it. Start creating it.

I read your comment about knowing "how to fight". I feel like I am very good a being a productive arguer, but when you described the opposite as "your conversations are filled with criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and emotional shutdowns (or stonewalling)", I literally thought you were describing my girlfriend in detail.

What can I do to bring her away from that style of fighting?

You have to identify it when it comes up, and have a plan to deal with it.

When she goes into the criticism, defensive, stonewalling state of mind, you need to recognize it and say something like, "I feel like you're getting defensive. It wasn't my intent to make you feel this way. Let's take a break for 20 minutes and come back and talk about this when we've had some time to cool down."

Or "Hey, I feel like you're being very critical of me. We can't have a productive conversation if this is how you're going to communicate, or we'll just end up yelling at each other. I'm going to give you some space to decompress."

Read the book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage work together. Help her learn the skills.

Do you, yourselves, each have a successful relationship? If so, elaborate. If not, why not?

Absolutely we do! Here's a video response for you with our explanations.

Want to know anything else?

What are your opinions on Gary Chapman's books?

Personally, I think they're fantastic. They're not perfect, but they are some of the best researched-backed resources out there.

Im a freshman in college. I would consider myself very picky when it comes to women. How can I find women who have the same hobbies/interests as me?

Join clubs on campus. Go to meetup groups. Hang out with likeminded people.

You'll find the love of your life when you live the life you love.

My wife has a problem of not saying her please and thank yous which make me feel that everything is an order, though I know she doesn't mean it maliciously. She just doesn't say it. Then if I call her out on it, it turns into a huge argument. Any thought? Secondly, when she gets on her period for the first day, she turns into a ticking time bomb and the smallest infraction will make her go nuclear. A fully aggressive meltdown that honestly scares the crap out of me. I know it's the period/hormones (I've actually science'd it by recording the outburst and comparing it to her lunar cycle) but she refuses to consider therapy or treatment.

By the way, thank you for providing a very much needed service to the community!

Part 1: How to talk about hard things.

Part 2: Please and Thank You

Let us know if you need us to elaborate on anything!

Edit: Posted the wrong link for Part 1.

In a long distance relationship it is easier to become fixated on things that wouldn't normally be an issue. One example is a guy befriending a girl that his girlfriend hadn't met before. No matter who this other girl is as a person, she is a problem to the relationship. What would you suggest in this sort of scenario?

The foundation of any stable romantic relationship is trust.

When you can't be with your partner face-to-face, little things can turn into big things, like you mentioned above.

Your lizard brain will be your downfall. It's the part of your brain that loves to panic and jump to the worst-case scenario. It kicks in whenever there's a potential threat.

You need to get good at recognizing when that lizard brain kicks in, and then consciously choose to think something different. Be generous with your trust. Take deep breaths. Calm those nerves. Slow that heart beat.

It's also important to make sure your partner always feels safe talking to you about anything... even stuff that might be painful. Avoid emotional outbursts, name calling, defensiveness, or emotional shut downs.

If you consciously choose trust, tame your lizard brain, and make sure your partner always feels safe telling you the truth, you're putting yourself in a place where success is optimal.

My wife and I are approaching our second anniversary. We've dated since high school, all through college, and have been exclusive with each other. Her mother is on her third marriage. Her mom and dad got divorced in a very nasty way with quite a bit of psychological abuse happening in her childhood. My parents have been the exact opposite. This difference in upbringing has caused issues in the past. (Now that her parents are divorced, they're both a lot better, but it's still a struggle because spending an extended period of time around her mom or dad causes extreme anxiety and has lead to problems in our relationship in the past)

What can I do to help my wife with her past, her parents, etc? The last psychologist we went to told my wife it was her fault for being so close to her mom, so that didn't work. We have a great relationship, are always communicating when things happen, etc. It just kills me when she gets super low and questions if her dad was right about "nobody can love you" and "you got married too young" etc.

Here's some advice for you... I think it can be super helpful. It is in video form because both of us wanted to talk to you and it was just faster this way.

Wow.

Thanks guys! I'm completely blown away right now. I really appreciate your advice and the time you took to do that.

I'll talk with my wife about that idea. We moved recently and are now 10 hours from her family and mine, and we've had the best year since moving. The distance is redefining the relationship a LOT. We had a christmas vacation with her mom and step-dad, and after spending 4 days in a car and 5 days in hotels with them she started re-evaluating how to handle her mom, and her dad when we got back home.

We'll see who we can find locally as a "mentor" couple. We were the first couple out of our friends group to get married (less than a month after graduating college), but we have some great support in the area we live in now, along with some of her half-siblings and their marriages that we can look at and talk to.

Again, I really appreciate your advice. I'll let it sink in and filter around mentally for a while and might have a followup response later.

Glad we could help! Best of luck, and congrats on the move and the "best year."

I'm thinking about asking my girl friend of 5 years to marry me. How do I know if I'm ready?

I don't think anyone is ever ready...

Five years is a long time to be together. You obviously love her. You know her character. You know her likes and dislikes. You know how she shows up for you and how she communicates.

So... what is it you're really scared of? What do you feel unready for?

Do you ever recommend couples try ethical non-monogamy?

I just did a webinar about that very thing!

Ethical non-monogamy can be a great thing for the right people. It also requires a HUGE amount of communication, trust, transparency, and self-awareness.

As long as you're ready to have those conversations, and do the work, it can be a really beautiful thing. One of my favorite interviews was a polygamous family... check it out. It's super interesting.

How does love separate from other emotions e.g. joy? Or how would you define love?

I guess this is one of the most asked question overall not only in this AmA. But for me as a 16 year old I'm just unsure how it should feel if I feel it.

Shawn Achor does a great job describing what joy is here.

Love is a hard thing to define... especially romantic love. It's more than just a feeling. For example, you can feel sick and still love someone. Or you can feel sad and still love them. But most of the time the person we love makes us feel really good.

Love isn't just an action either... but it tends to wither and die if there is no action. Like, if you love someone, and you never kiss them, or tell them you love them, or do nice things for them, your love will not last.

Love... the kind of love that lasts is like a collage of one person's feelings, thoughts, actions, desires, habits, values, and skills all wrapped together then mixed into another person's feelings, thoughts, actions, desires, habits, values, and skills... whatever is left when you mix the two together - that's love.

I'm interested in your opinions on this clip from Rick and Morty?

Rick is a great scientist, but he's wrong. There's a difference between love and limerence. Love is much more subjective than reproducing. What he's describing here is limerence... and it's a real thing... and it's not love.

Hi, I was wondering what kind of advice you could give to the adult child of parents that are going through a difficult time. I live on the other side of the country so I don't know any details but I do know last week my dad packed a bag and left the house. He has since called me and apologized but I don't know if he is back home or if he and my mom have spoken or what will happen next.

I know there isn't much and that this is an issue between the two of them but how can I support my parents? How can I help them be in a better place?

Also what can I do for my siblings? We've all taken this pretty hard. My two younger siblings are still at home with my parents and my twin lives in a different state on their own.

This is something I never thought could happen, so I'm at a loss of what to do. Any advice would be helpful.

This is such an important question... and it can be a really difficult thing to deal with. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

Don't take sides This is a tough time for your whole family. It's especially tough on your parents. I'd imagine they're both really scared about the kids taking sides, and being shut out of their lives.

As an adult kid, you have the opportunity to be there for your parents in a new way. The only way you can successfully do this is if you make sure that what you're fighting for is the relationship, and not just your mom or your dad.

There's two sides to every pancake, no matter how thin.

Be supportive

It can be hard to draw a line between being supportive while someone works things out, and fixing the problem for someone who is struggling.

You can't fix this problem.

Your parents are adults. They are responsible for their thoughts, feelings, desires, actions, and thoughts. You have to allow them to be responsible for their choices while expressing empathy, and listening to them without trying to fix them.

Recommend good resources

You can recommend they go see a counselor or therapist. You can recommend awesome books. You can recommend they go to a retreat. Give them resources that will support them through this tough time.

That's a start... it's hard to see people you love suffer and realize that you can't fix their problems for them. Keep being supportive... love them, listen, and we'll all cross our fingers for them.

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Have you been clinically diagnosed with anxiety, or are you just an anxious person?

If it's the former, I recommend seeing a doctor who can help you out.

If it's the latter, I would encourage you to check out /r/stoicism and /r/meditation, find an exercise you enjoy and do it regularly, focus on getting 8 hours of sleep regularly and eating healthy, and if you're still feeling anxious from time to time, realize that it's a natural, human feeling.

We all feel anxious sometimes... even us natural extraverts who love talking to people.

Anxiety sucks, but it doesn't have to define you. You can beat it into submission... gently...

Do you have any advice for people in abusive or sometimes violent marriages?

There's a lot of useful information on this site. If you're in an abusive relationship, we advise you keep yourself and any children who might be in the relationship safe..

why do people have the need to cheat on their so?

People cheat for a LOT of reasons. Sometime's they are bored. Sometimes it's to get back at, or hurt a partner. Sometimes they have a sex addiction. Sometimes they develop a meaningful connection with someone by accident and find themselves in a compromising situation...

What is love ?

Baby don't hurt me...

How can I be sure my condom will sprout?

Put it in some dirt. Water it daily and give it plenty of sunlight. Wait for a few weeks... if it sprouts, you'll know.