bigbags

One woman in Georgia gave some pretty amazing advice. She and and her husband have been married for over 60 years, and after being asked what her best relationship advice would be, she paused and said...

Don't be afraid to be the one who loves the most.

Absolutely. This was actually one of the most surprising things I learned on the journey.

Self Love

The happiest couples always consisted of two (sometimes more) emotionally healthy and independently happy individuals. These people practiced self-love. They treated themselves with the same type of care that they treated their partner... or at least they tried to.

Emotionally healthy people know how to forgive, they are able to acknowledge their part in any disagreement or conflict and take responsibility for it. They are self-aware enough to be assertive, to pull their weight, and to give love when it's most difficult.

Commitment

After that emotional health came an unquestioning level of commitment. The happiest couples knew that if shit got real, their significant other wasn't going to walk out on them. They knew that even if things got hard - no, especially if things got hard - they were better off together. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.

Trust

Happy couples trust each other... and they have earned each others' trust. They don't worry about the other person trying to undermine them or sabotage them, because they've proven over and over again that they are each other's biggest advocate. That trust is built through actions, not words. It's day after day after day of fidelity, service, emotional security, reliability.

Establish that foundation, and you're in good shape.

Intentionality

This is the icing on the cake. There's a difference between the couple who drives through the rainstorm and the couple who pulls their car to the side of the road to make out in the rain. (Yes, that's a true story.) There's a difference between the couple who kisses for 10 seconds or longer when they say goodbye to each other rather than just giving each other a peck... or nothing at all. There's a difference between the couples who encourage each other to pursue their personal goals at the expense of their own discomfort or inconvenience... even if it means their partner has to stage kiss another woman.

The couples who try on a daily basis to experience some sort of meaningful connection, or create a fun memory are the couples who shattered my perception of what was possible in a loving relationship.

We model our lives and behavior off of the examples we're given. For decades, Hollywood has glorified the romantic aspects of relationships. It's definitely changed what people expect from a long-term relationship now... which is sad.

Ironically - after talking to literally scores of couples about their relationships - the partnerships with the most passion after years and years of togetherness are those who have a strong and undying friendship. It's not about the sex so much as it is about the way their level of undying commitment, their endless support of each other, the way they laugh at each others jokes, and forgive each others wrongdoings.

The thing that makes an amazing best friend is what also makes an amazing partner... add in the romance and you take it to the next level. (We tend to do it backwards in our society, we start with the sex, then panic, and try to add in the friendship... which rarely works.)

The biggest difference was, I think, their attitude. They both entered the relationship as mature, well-educated individuals. They met, and a week later were married. Rather than be terrified (like most of us from the Western world would be), they looked at it as an adventure.

At one point she said, "Most people get to know each other before they get married. We got married and then got to spend years getting to know each other. It was an adventure."

They also both entered the relationship with an inherent attitude of selflessness. I know we've all probably heard it over and over and over, but it was the idea that "If she's happy, I'm happy." (or vice versa).

When I asked them why they thought so many relationships fail, they said, "Your expectation is that you're expecting stuff, not giving stuff."

They entered their relationship expecting to give. I think that's pretty awesome.

I have different favorites for different reasons. The must surprisingly amazing couple was probably Ty and Terri from Omaha. We weren't even supposed to interview them, but someone we met the night before introduced us. We showed up at their house at 9:00 at night expecting to do a quick 1 hour interview and ended up laughing, crying, and telling stories until like 2:00 am. It was an unbelievable experience.

My other favorite couple was probably Josh and Jenny from Kansas City. They are the couple whose life I'd like to steal if I could. They live more intentionally than anyone I've ever seen. They are the kind of couple who does the dishes together every night and then slow dances in the kitchen. They randomly surprise each other with breakfast in bed. They make out in the rain for no reason other than to create a memory. They are awesome. Their story will be published in a few weeks, and it will rock your socks.

Also, Kiran and MeiMei made me realize how in a love a couple can be. One of my favorite quotes of the entire trip was when they said that being married was like a 24/7 slumber party. Every young couple should have a chance to sit down and talk with them for an hour before they tie the knot. They would be so much better off for it.

edit: Added things.