IamA worker at an office/warehouse full of sex toys and lube, AMA. Happy Valentine's Day!

I watched a Netflix series about a shop that sold sex toys. They did returns and had to inspect them to see if they were used or not.

Do you do this? What is the criteria? What's the grossest thing that's ever been sent back? Isn't there some type of "sanitary law"?

We'll take back anything if the packaging isn't opened. Because we're an Internet-based company, we can't accept returns just because a customer changes their mind, but we do take back defective toys.

Yes, there's sanitary laws -- and even if there weren't laws, it'd be pretty gross to just re-stock stuff without knowing where it's been. Rule of thumb: it's been everywhere.

Now, if we get defective toys, we just dispose of them, but we might have to check mechanisms to see if they're really broken.

The grossest thing we've received back, and I hope this doesn't set the tone for the whole AMA, was a pair of stained vibrating panties.

I would...I would argue that they weren't defective.

If the rule of thumb is that it's been everywhere, I want a new thumb.

We do sell a realistic toy in the shape of a fist, so we've got you covered.

Is it the Anal Intruder from Top Secret!?

No, but it might actually look more intimidating at first. Google the "Belladonna Bitch Fist" if you're interested. Remarkable detailing.

Gross. The show I watched let people send back opened items. It was nasty.

We got a dildo back with poop on it once.

EDIT: Also, I'd love to see that documentary. What was it called?

Frisky Business - was my first thought when I saw your AMA too. It was a neat series, but I was also surprised how they accepted back any item. Europe has very different consumer commerce laws, though, so it might have something to do with that.

Sweet, thanks. They're a competitor and (from what I know) a good company.

Given the following budgets, what would be your top sex toy recommendation for the ladies?

20 bucks

50 bucks

75 bucks

Well, every lady's different. People aren't stimulated by the same stuff, so I've got to keep it to categories. Take these with a grain of salt (not literally, ouch):

• $20 - At this level, the toys are pretty cheap and not always great for penetration. You'll get the most bang-for-your-buck (literally this time) from a high-quality tube o' lube. Silicone lubes stay slicker for longer. If you're with someone, penis extensions, cages, and cock rings are a decent bet.

Oh, and miniature vibrating bullets are pretty versatile and cheap.

• $50 - You could get a decent dong made out of a ABS plastic, and there are some rabbit-style vibrators that are really popular. Don't count on a quiet motor, though. At this level, silicone's an option, too.

• $75 - For $75 and up, you can get some really innovative stuff. Rabbit-style vibrators and Magic Wand-style vibrators are really popular tried-and-true options. I'd stick with silicone materials unless you regularly use silicone lube (silicone breaks down silicone).

EDIT: Sorry, I put TPR instead of ABS plastic. I had two windows open and I wasn't thinking. Thanks to an /r/sextoys user for pointing that out, they've got a great community over there.

Are there any toys that you all wouldn't carry? Like, stuff that's just beyond the pale, somehow?

I think that we'd shy away from anything that's blatantly unsafe. Obviously, we wouldn't sell anything illegal. Apart from that, we try to carry everything that consenting adults would reasonably want.

What is the strangest order you've ever received? Also, what DOES it feel like to stand under big wall of dildos while getting your coffee?

We don't really think of anything as weird. Novel, maybe; there's one dildo that's shaped like the Hulk's cock (called the Incredible Hunk if you want to look it up), but I think it's pretty clearly a gag item (ew, phrasing).

I feel like I've seen it all. If I see some toy that works in a new way, I don't think "weird," I think, "man, there's still some new stuff out there."

As for the coffee thing, I was kidding, our coffee's not around any dildos. I guarantee you that some of these vibrators are strong enough to make a decent latte.

That's an interesting way of looking at it! Also you had me at novelty Hulk dildo; huge Avengers fan here.

Now I want to see if a dildo can make a decent latte . . .

If you're an Avengers fan, look up that toy line, I think it's from Doc Johnson and it's called Super Hung Heroes or something. You'll get some good laughs out of some of the designs and names.

There's a Spiderman, a Batman, an Iron Man, and I think a Thor. They also mix Marvel and D.C., which is a bit too kinky for me.

Obviously, they're not officially licensed, so the names are like "the Amazing Web Shooter" and "Caped Cock."

how do you think they stir the coffee?

I just remembered, there's an Achewood arc about that: http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11292007

What is your favourite type of pie?

Cream.

...man, you lobbed that one right over the plate.

What's the best silicone based lube in your opinion? I find that water based lubes aren't good. We always have to stop and add more which really just kills the mood. Plus they have a horrible flavor so we can't switch from intercourse to oral. I've only tried Wet brand silicone based and it's been really great. No flavor and no stains or stickiness. Any others we should try?

Well, if you've found one you like, I'd just stick with it. Wet always gets really good reviews.

Most silicone lubes only have two or three ingredients -- different types of silicones, which decide the texture and other factors (how easily they clean off, etc). They're really all good unless the company cuts corners with the formula. System Jo, Wicked, and Pjur are all great silicone lubes.

If you're asking because you want to try something different, I believe System Jo makes cooling/warming silicone lubes. They have a "couples kit" if you're looking to try them out.

What's your favorite Robin Williams (RIP) joke?

This is sort of a cop-out answer, but I love the golf bit.

Most awkward moment? Funniest moment? weridest moment?

When you work in a place like this, sex becomes way less awkward on our side pretty quickly, but customers can sometimes make it a little weird.

Product returns are often the weirdest. Probably the weirdest of all time was a guy that wanted to return a prostate massager because it did not work. It was mechanically sound, it just didn't produce the desired effect.

That call was probably the finniest, weirdest, and most awkward all at the same time -- trying to explain to a guy that we can't make a return based on his personal anatomy.

EDIT: Our boss just jumped in to add that we once got a dildo back with poop on it, and we've had a person ask how to keep a 5-pound dildo from falling out. Those were awkward.

In 2013, my college's "IT Help Desk Info" newsletter sent out the following email:

Subject: Fox on the lose

This is a wanring email alerting you of a crazed red-fox who is running about with a bottle of Bad-Dragon Cumlube and throwing large dragon dildos at fellow students. If you see this crazed fox please alert a member of the security staff. thanks

Do you know anything about this?

No, but I desperately want to

Favourite colour of dildo?

I have love for all dildos. But the sleek black silicone ones are pretty much like a Batmobile for your butt.

What is the weirdest customer complaint you've ever received?

"This 5-pound dildo won't stay in my ass!"

also, one woman stuck a vibrator up her butt that wasn't designed for anal use and then called to ask us how to get it out. She had to go to the emergency room. Surprisingly common -- use a toy with a flared base if you're into butt stuff.

Do employees get to take home new products to test out? ;)

Sure, we do that all the time.

Any office favorites?

I like to use a lifelike masturbator as a pen holder. The butthole is where I stick it.

...the pen.

And also, it's fun to fill a fellow employee's office with blow-up dolls.

Are there any "Fifty Shades of Grey" related products?

Oh my, yes. There's a whole officially licensed product line, and we sell them. Everything from lubes to dildos and light BDSM gear.

They seem pretty decent, too, regardless of what you think of the book or movie. Some of the liquid products feature "Christian Grey's fragrance" or the female character's personal fragrance, and they both smell pretty good.

Do you think I could have a toy? You know, for Valentines Day and stuff..

"Free stuff" doesn't always go over well, but lemme see what I can do. Nobody else ask, this douche asked first.

I feel like I should have a joke with a username like mine... Anyways... What does a normal day at the office look like?

I feel like we should sell the Pussyslammer6969.

It's a pretty typical office job, except very laid back. We get work done, but we have a good time and don't take ourselves too seriously.

And once again, I've gotta refer you to the video at the top of us bowling with frozen turkeys and lube.

What's work related humor like at your job? What kinds of jokes do you tell?

We make a ton of jokes, and it pushes past what might be acceptable at a normal office. Fun work environment.

I mentioned earlier that I've used a lifelike male masturbator (picture, if you will, a disembodied pussy and ass) as a pencil holder, which certainly wouldn't fly over at your father's real estate office. At the same time we try to stay respectful of each other and our customers.

Do you have a fitting room?

No, but any toy will fit if you're determined enough.

ಠ_ಠ

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Would it be possible to option material certifications from your suppliers? I'd like to know how they test their raw materials. This seems like a standard practice in other industries.

Some toys are certified as 510(k) medical devices. This is getting a little out of my expertise, but I know it's a difficult process to achieve that certification; if you're especially worried about safety, I'd look for a toy that meets that criteria. Otherwise, most manufacturers will provide information about materials they use for their toys.

I've heard that some manufactures will simply say that their toys are made of silicone, or abs plastic, but they simply aren't made of the advertised material. Leaving the customer to rely on word of mouth, and home tests. Without a certification from the rubber supplier, it is hard to say is the toy really is silicone.

I guess I'm asking a lot from a distributor, making them responsible for this type of thing is generally difficult. But I'm sure we can all agree that anything inserted into the body should be regulated on some level, even if it's a sheet of paper that says "We guarantee this product is silicone".

If you know what to look for it can be easy to spot when a manufacturer is lying about the quality of the product. A lot of companies state their products are phthalate free but still put phthalates in them as there aren't regulations on adult toys, and companies can pretty much say whatever they want about the products. Some signs that they may have phthalates include a strong plastic or skunk smell or a jelly like texture. Also a lot of the time, phthalate products will leak and have a slimy texture to them.

Yeah, I'm not aware of any brands that out-and-out lie about materials, but we wouldn't carry them if they did. We try to post on every product page whether or not a product has phthalates (if that info's available). If you don't see "no phthalates" or "phthalate free" or something similar, it might have them.

How does the bacon lube taste?

Like artificial bacon flavoring -- it's missing the texture and saltiness, so it's a little weird. Sorta smoky. More of a novelty than anything else.

I wouldn't trust myself to not chomp down on something smokey and sausage shaped...

Epic Meal Time makes a whiskey-flavored lube. Maybe that's more up your alley.

Well they missed a trick not making a bacon one themselves.

I'm more a fruity gal, looking for the perfect lemon flavour.

Lemon? GROSS.

Nah, that's a popular flavor. System Jo makes a decent lemon-flavored lube, it's in their H20 series.

Applying whiskey-flavored lube up your alley might sting, surely?

Nah, there's nothing irritating in it.

Do you get a lot of prank calls? If so, how do you usually deal with them?

Oddly enough, no, we've never had that happen. Weird, right? We're probably a bad target since it's hard to phase us.

Whats the number to your store by chance?

555-555-5555

That dont seem legit. I will find you.

Good luck, it's not an easy number to find unless you go to our website and look at it!

Will do.

....CRAP

How does someone get a job in your office?

They apply and are hired. If someone has experience with sex toys (who doesn't?) or a laid back attitude, that's a big plus.

Have you ever been in a speedboat?

Yes. Nice username.

Have you ever try any of the toys´ if which one ?

Haha, "one."

I've tried lots of the toys. We also open every new lube to check the texture and consistency.

Have you ever "tripped and fell" onto a sex object?

Our warehouse is pretty well organized, so no. Not even during the annual Naked Warehouse Night.

Naked Warehouse Night, In a sex toy shop no less Man, that sounds like fun

and now one "?"

Doesn't "and now one '?'" make it not a haiku? I thought haikus were 5-7-5.

Naked warehouse night, huh?

Do you even have an employee code of conduct? I'm assuming as long as you don't get caught pleasuring yourself or others you're good. Or do you get kudos for that instead of fired?

No, of course we'd get fired for pleasuring ourselves. Are you nuts?? That's what free time and state-mandated breaks are for.

Do you test the new products before selling them? If not, who does, someone has too, right?

The manufacturers test them for safety. We check them out to make sure that they come as advertised, and so that we know what we are talking about.

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No, not intimately. If there's downtime, we might mess around with un-boxed items, though, set up vibrator sumo matches, etc. You gotta find fun where you can.

EDIT: Oh, I just remembered that we went bowling with lube and turkeys. I'll try to dig up the video for you.

2ND EDIT: Here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-gxUAeAYs8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNoSYoBH4xI

If you could design a toy for your shop, what would it be like?

Fun question.

Pretty much everything has been done, but why not EVERYTHING? A cock ring that goes into your ass to push against your prostate with an external component to stimulate your perineum. It has a cock ring and ball strap, and ends with an extra shaft that goes into your partner's butt for double penetration. All parts of it vibrate, four sound-activated motors. Also, it massages your back while you're wearing it and curves around your body to hold a mirror up to your face so you can smile at yourself while you get down.

Another extension runs to your mouth so that you can play the bugle to announce your orgasms. You can also put a fruit roll-up in the bugle holder for if you get hungry. Two cupholders shoot out from waist straps to keep you hydrated.

I'd call it the Supreme Pizza. The entire thing is made from pure silicone.

Even the fruit roll ups?

No, of course not, that would be ridiculous.

would you suggest a homemade lube?

No, I wouldn't personally, because you get the formula wrong and you're putting your body at risk. We do have dry powders that you can mix with water at home if you're looking for a way to save money.

Dry powdered lube? I'm assuming it is considered a water based line then, right? I've never heard of this and it sounds interesting. Maybe I'll try it'

Yep, you just add water and mix it up. It's neat, because you can add more water for a thinner consistency.

Do you sell any silicone flavored lubes? Do they even exist? I too work in an adult store and had someone ask me this recently and I honestly didn't know the answer.

They all tend to be water-based just because silicone is relatively expensive, and I'm guessing that water-based flavored lubes are easier to formulate. Off the top of my head, I can't think of flavored silicone lubes, but let me run through our product database and see if I can find one.

What's the best brand of lube?

Depends on what you're looking for. ID, Wet, and System Jo are really good.

How does my company work with you?

Do you make sex toys?

No, but we make tshirts and other promo items, and we work with a couple of ither cool adult entertainment companies!

That's not really my area, but there's contact info on the site. Feel free to write us! We're always looking for good contacts, and we'll make sure that your info gets to the right places.

Ever use any of the sexual enhancers?

Sure, why not?

What kind of masturbators for men are popular or that you can recommend?

Depends on what you like. The realistic ones with CyberSkin are good, but you need to be careful to clean them properly. Tenga products are good and inexpensive. Oh, and Fleshlight is super popular.

Any work perks? Getting to take home stuff for free?

All the time. Manufacturers will often send or drop off samples so that we can try stuff out, it's one of the best perks of the job.

It's not just toys, either. I got a full-on down skiing jacket from a vendor once.

Do you guys ever get asked to try out the products and give your feedback?

No, not really our role. We'll give our opinions or advice if people ask for it, though.

What’s the most common question people ask you once they learn where you work?

Whether or not we get free samples. I'm surprised that it took so long in this thread.

What is the single largest container of lube i can purchase and how much does it cost? Also what is its shelf life?

We only sell the 10-gallon drums to your mom, but other than that, your best bet would be powders and concentrates.

J-Lube makes a powder that comes in a small bottle but mixes out to about 8 gallons of lubricant. As far as I know it should last indefinitely as long as you keep the bottle closed. It's marketed primarily to veterinarians (if your cat's ever had its temperature taken, you know why lube's important in a vet's office).

Wet also makes Nuru massage gel, which isn't for use as a sex lube, but it's a giant container of slippery stuff so it qualifies for this answer. You're supposed to cover yourself and your partner with it and slide up against each other on some rubber sheets. I haven't tried that but it sounds awesome. Like an adult version of slip n' slide.

What does your family think of your job?

My family's really cool with anything as long as I'm not borrowing money from them, but it's awkward to bring up initially. If you had really conservative parents, you could probably say that it's an office job for an Internet retailer and avoid hard questions, I guess. There's also a ton of euphemisms in the industry.

Ultimately, I'd rather explain that my job is to help people enjoy pleasure than to try to explain something unethical.

Do you receive any complaints/concerns regarding glass toys? They've always seemed interesting but the idea of a sliver of glass sticking out prevents my girlfriend and I from trying it.

Look for borosilicate glass, it's shatter resistant and really high quality stuff. You won't have problems with that, it's especially good for temperature play.

Sorry I'm kind of late to this, but are there any sex enhancers for females? Not those tingly lubes. But any sort of pills?

Yeah, there are supplements. I'm not a woman so I don't know how well they work. They usually have a bunch of botanicals like yohimbe in them. There's also pheromone-enhanced cosmetics and stuff - X On The Lips is a popular one.

You mentioned you guys test out toys during your downtime? So, how would that work? Take it home to use, put up a sign on your door? Special sex room?

I mean, we don't try stuff out at the office, that'd be weird.

For a second I thought y'all had some Americal Apparel guidelines where you can do the naughty at work!

Do you use dildos as clothes racks?

Dildos and lube can work for pretty much everything, they're nature's silly putty.

How's the pay and chances for advancement in the sex toy business?

If you work hard and you're not shy, there's actually a lot of room for advancement. It's just like any other business, except you need to obviously be more discreet with the customers.