My short bio: I was born and raised in Nigeria and have witnessed some incredible acts of violence. My childhood wasn't shite though, peculiar but not shite.

My Proof: just removed it.

If you require more proof please ask.


No I did not send you the email spam. Come on guys.

No I am not a prince.

No we are not savages.

Comments: 2149 • Responses: 81  • Date: 

Emtricitabine466 karma

I watched the video you posted of the guy being burnt alive. What is the worst / most haunting thing you have seen?

Edit: Here's the video (SERIOUSLY NSFW) http://www.liveleak.com/view?comments=1&i=2b1_1340446689

mach-2921 karma

When I was in boarding school, we had a female ex-soldier for a nurse. She ended up treating us kids like soldiers which led to the slow death of a friend of mine. He was a star athlete and stepped on a nail. I think he had tetanus. The nurse did not treat him well, she always hit him and yelled at him until one day his breathing became shallow and he started vomiting a black liquid from his mouth and nose.

20 minutes before that happened, I was going for an excursion (field trip) and I met him breathing hard in the room. He grabbed my arm as I walk passed him and said he couldn't breathe due to chest pain. I said he should not worry and slowly forced his hands off. I did not tell anyone what had happened only to hear people screaming and rush in to see him on the floor rolling and vomiting. He died on the way to the clinic.

squashedfrog462370 karma

Holy shit this makes me sad.

Did anything come of it? What did his family say?

mach-2786 karma

The nurse was fired. Too little too late. The principal got chased out of the boys house by his crying gun wielding 60 year old father.

MistaB784399 karma

I dated a girl from Nigeria for a few years and her and her sister talked about One timers. Supposedly people being kidnapped and sold to Voodoo practitioners. Is this real? If so what do you know about it?

mach-2730 karma

Yes. It's called one chance. You get on a bus and get your journey diverted to a remote area where you are used as sacrifice. Very real .

i_am_a_babycow97 karma

How do they choose people for this? How would you know if you have been chosen? What are your chances of surviving once chosen?

mach-2271 karma

ennie minnie miny moe? If you were chosen, your bus ride would take an unual detour. I heard they charmed the occupants to sleep. Can't confirm that though. Your chances of surving are based on if the gods are full.

Pengyster81 karma

Damn. Did you know anybody who this happened to? Was it common?

mach-2121 karma

No I did not. I did read some accounts in the paper though.

BigBobBear274 karma

In your area what do you classify as a "normal" amount of crime? For instance where i live a murder or some robberies a week is normal. I ask since most people i know think/are told that area is full of crime.

mach-2353 karma

I'd say its the same thing. But it does tend to go up during election season with assassination galore.

BigBobBear179 karma

Do they ever catch any of the people doing the assassination, or do they just end up saying screw it there are to many?

mach-2372 karma

We don't have the infrastructure for constant electricity mate talkless of any form of "Forensic science". All we can do is speculate. When the under paid police officers themselves are pawns of the politicians, who do you expect to catch the "criminals"?

Jorgisven178 karma

So essentially a mafia state? I mean, is there a real distinction here between mafia-like behavior and what you see from the Nigerian "government"?

edit: I a word.

mach-2237 karma

Nope, you're pretty much spot on.

Dirqala66 karma

Is this assassination of political leaders, local elections, or murders of supporters? Could you elaborate on why murder rates increase during the electoral process?

mach-2197 karma

It's assassination of both. Political rivals send hitmen to eliminate the competition. They send thugs to the voting booths to monitor the ballots. It's a do or die affair and everyone knows the rules of the game. In the words of Frank from House of cards "it is either hunt or be hunted"

Vally1261 karma

What do you think of 230 schoolgirls being abducted from schools recently?

mach-2360 karma

It happens mate. Sad as it is. People are desperate.

fulminic311 karma

I find the lack of media attention for this in the rest of the world surprising.. We are talking about more people than that went missing on MH370..and they're kids,for christ sake...

mach-21060 karma

When something occurs constantly, it is no longer news.

Girdon_Freeman243 karma

Cool! Finally get to ask a question on an AMA.

Anyways, 1. Are you the guy who owes my friend 10 billion dollars?

  1. For lack of better phrasing, what were the riots like?

mach-2530 karma

1) That was my first cousin twice removed.

2) Constant state of alert. We would hear the gunshots all night. Screams. Explosions from locally made bombs. My father had Muslim friends who used to hear about plans of attack through the grape vines so we would keep moving from house to house. Most of the houses we stayed in were Muslim houses that hid us since the Muslims were on the offensive.

candypuppet218 karma

If your childhood wasn't that bad, did you grow up in a wealthier part of Nigeria? Or were acts of violence like the video you've posted normal for everyone, no matter the income?

mach-2485 karma

I did not grow up in a wealthy part of Nigeria. But I did not grow up in abject poverty either. My parents were not rich but they never spared expenses in sending us to good schools. From a very young age, my mother made sure to buy me novels while my father would sit me on his lap and we'll read news papers together. That all changed when my little sister was born... O_O

Vileghas149 karma

so what happened when your sister was born?

Butterscotch_Disk97 karma

Money probably got short

mach-21006 karma

No. That little shit got all the attention. We are 4 kids.

Butterscotch_Disk150 karma

So is she the youngest?

mach-2427 karma

Yes she is. And the only girl too.

aphex_twink182 karma

i once asked a gambian collegue (whose ethnicity is mandinka and religion muslim) about how people who were more into older religions were accepted in gambian society, and he said ppl were basically afraid of them and didn't mess with them. is that similar to how it is in nigeria?

mach-2251 karma

People are very conservative in Nigeria and Africa as a whole. They fear (Juju/voodoo) and most of the early religions before colonialism were the African traditional religions so you have to understand there is still a subset of old people who grew up with such religions.

aphex_twink111 karma

yeah i was wondering more about the relationship between ppl who are christian and muslim and people who are into voudoun. from an outside perspective it sort of feels like the tension between a smaller group of people who worship spirits or are polytheistic and a larger group that's part of a monotheist religion might cause the smaller group to sort of act out on the larger groups' superstition to appear dangerous and partly avoid persecution

mach-2320 karma

The voodoo worshippers have fans in higher places. Most of the politicians are desperate men looking for any means to power and they resort to occultism. Many of the murders in Nigeria are linked to ritualistic sacrifices. Many times people have stumbled on corpse farms or mutilated corpses.

They're basically real life boogey men. I will say however that due to their secretive nature, there really is no public conflict between them and the other predominant mono theistic religions. If anything it's Christians vs Muslims while the loser gets his corpse desecrated by ritualists.

eugeniusmith113 karma

What's a corpse farm?

mach-2299 karma

You rear captured humans with the rules of animal husbandry. You sacrifice them to the gods when you deem fit. Feast for all :)

hmongkahuna168 karma

I live in the UK. Why is it all the Nigerian guys I know seem to give themselves names like "Spider" and "Friday"?

mach-2433 karma

Because it's cool. Would you fuck with a guy who names himself spider?

jjlinder161 karma

Do you currently still live in Nigeria?

mach-2316 karma

Nope. Got outta dodge a couple of years back.

StickleyMan115 karma

Do you ever have a desire to go back? Would you feel comfortable going back?

mach-2210 karma

I do. It is home after all. If not for anything just the fact that the taxes are not so prevalent there than in the west here.

Jswani69 karma

If I may ask, what country do you live in now?

mach-2183 karma

Canada now.

99outofahundred22 karma

Do your parents and siblings still live there?

If so, have they settled down well after being on the run during the main conflict, or are they uneasy and looking over their shoulders in case it all kicks off again?

If not, where do they live now, and do they feel safe there?

mach-249 karma

My family moved away from there recently.

TinkieWinkieBag137 karma

Did you know anyone who was killed in the riots?

mach-2301 karma

Yes. My neighbour's nanny died when she went back to her burning home and was searching for her husband.Her body was found and had been hacked with a machete.

xonomad128 karma

Thanks for the AMA, what is modern society like in Nigeria? Are cities modern, is Nigeria still a third world country? thanks. - Ignorant American

mach-2391 karma

We have very modern areas. But then around the modern areas we have moats of shitholes. You can only get there through the draw bridge of money.

ilikereddit55120 karma

What is one random act of selflessness that touched your heart the most?

mach-2348 karma

A Muslim bus driver hid some Chrsitian passengers from a Muslim mob during one of the riots.

Disgruntled_Fridge108 karma

What's it like having a birthday so close to Christmas?

mach-2251 karma

It fucking sucks mate. My father and mother always argue on whether i was born on the 30th or 29th. I always end up missing both days due to arguements. On the plus side, my eldest brother was born on the 3rd of january and he gets all the attention even now that we're men. I don't care. -_-

Nexaz99 karma

I know many are focusing on your childhood and teen years, but I'm interested in your life now.

2 questions and thank you for doing this:

1.) How has what you have experienced and seen affected your quality of life at this point in your life?

2.) What are you doing now? I know many people who have experienced those kind of incidents often go into working for a company that funds help for survivors of incidents they were particularly involved in.

mach-2204 karma

1) It helps me not to sweat the small stuff.

2) I work in the film industry but I haven't really thought about concentrating my efforts into relief of any kind. Might be because I'm busy. Philanthropy comes later.

oldepoetry87 karma

When I was in Nigeria, everyone would shake hands with everyone, and the cool guys would always snap their fingers off of each others'. How can we bring this practice to the West? My friends don't get how cool it is.

mach-283 karma

Teach them how to do it.

anonymousinternet80 karma

Were you traumatized? how did it feel to witness such things in real life? I mean the panic and the emotions, adrenaline etc.

mach-2144 karma

I wouldn't say traumatized since it's something I've grown up with. Panic definitely but not trauma.

cereologist80 karma

What do you mean by "my childhood wasn't shite"? Are you more privileged than others in your situation, i.e. wealth/social standing? What do you think could have made your childhood "shite"?

mach-2373 karma

I am privileged. I went to good schools and had a very strict reading culture fostered by my parents. If that's not privilege I don't know what is.

botkat13 karma

I met a nigerian guy awhile back who told me that sororities/fraternities in nigerian universities are pure evil and have evolved to become something like cults/gangs. He painted a grim picture of how there was this particular all girl group who went around raping guys.have you heard of this and if so could you elaborate more on why its like that,if its on an increase/decline and if you have an stories/experiences from such.

mach-218 karma

Yes it is true. These groups are usually sponsored by the local chairmen to moon light as muscle. They pledge allegiance to shenanigans and basically run the public campuses.

Runnermikey175 karma

What is education like in Nigeria?

mach-2189 karma

Good meaning highly competitive or piss poor meaning the teachers can barely string sentences together.There is no middle ground.

maltzy75 karma

My student worker is from Nigeria. He wanted me to ask you how much you miss Suya, because he misses it dearly living here in the United States.

mach-2116 karma

Ahhahahaha I FUCKING DO. Ask him when last he had some. Tell him I had some Kilishi from a friend of mine a year ago.

nomadicarus17 karma

"Suya". finally. thank you so much for this.

I left Nigeria (Lagos & Port Harcourt) 28 years ago as a young boy and have always wanted to know what that awesome kebab was.

Without trying to sound like an arse - I'm glad you made it out. I miss Africa dearly and Nigeria in particular..but fcuk me there's a lot of shit going on there one should never have to deal with.

mach-213 karma

Awesome, where did you go to?

gth829c71 karma

Hundreds of inappropriate Nigerian Prince jokes will litter this thread.

zingsolo8556 karma

Of course. The funny thing is each person thinks he's the funniest and cleverest coming up with jokes that hang lower than a great grandma's breasts.

mach-2168 karma

That's why I hid my Nigerian heritage all my time on Reddit. It's like those people who make jokes out of names or call Americans fat. Gets old quick.

TinkieWinkieBag68 karma

Which event that you witnessed affected you most?

mach-272 karma

There are many, Could you be a little bit more specific?

anonomonous66 karma

I'll piggyback.. How have these events you witnessed shaped your world view? What are the big problems from your point of view and what can be done to solve them?

mach-2167 karma

There is nothing we can do to solve in. Alleviate it perhaps but not solve. The old men in power give the same reins to their children who grew up with wealth. Short of exiling them from the stratosphere, the bourgeoisie are the bourgeoisie because they know how to remain the bourgeoisie.

TrevorKillsMichael29 karma

How prevalent is gun ownership among individuals or families in Nigeria?

mach-268 karma

Not really prevalent. Just the para military forces and criminals. The rest have weapons of prayer.

Everlast31466 karma

Why do you believe such acts of violence occur in your part of the world and not as much in others? What are the reasons for such acts of modern violence?

mach-2138 karma

Poverty and lack of education. When you hammer people so much to the point of complacency, eventually someone is going to go mad. Nigeria just started a democratic rule in 2000, the previous periods since the 1960's were military rule so you gotta know how far back the iron hand goes

horse_you_rode_in_on48 karma

BH conducted its operations more or less peacefully during the first seven years of its existence - what changed in 2009, do you think?

mach-2110 karma

That's the thing. Nothing changed. I think that's why they just went bat shit insane. They started out as just outspoken radical uneducated clerics and were ignored. It wasn't until they took up arms that shit hit the fan.

CapAnson46 karma

What would you do to solve the Boko Haram problem?

mach-2251 karma

With a Nuclear weapon and thirst for blood. Just kidding. With a rail gun and thirst for blood.

Flying_Dutchmann41 karma

To brighten the mood a bit, what is a must-try dish from Nigeria?

mach-287 karma

Fired rice and plantain(do do) with stew or without.

NotNigerianPrince20 karma

F'real? Forgot about Nsala? Nkwobi? Isi-Ewu? Suya?..

mach-227 karma

Aww come on the soups are complicated to make

blinkerfluid1338 karma

What was your biggest culture shock when you left Nigeria?

mach-2136 karma

Not much really. I basically knew how things worked in the west. We watch you guys on cable more than you think. We adopt and absorb your cultural exports mate. Well done.

blinkerfluid1367 karma

I had a good friend in college that came from Nigeria. He said pretty much the same thing, but that the first time he went into a Walmart he was floored.

mach-287 karma

Yeah we don't really have metro super stores everywhere.

-j_34 karma

What differentiates you from other Nigerians that you're on reddit? I'm guessing you don't live there now, so is that it?

mach-281 karma

Nothing really. If Reddit becomes facebook popular, I'd definitely expect to see more. I was always a weird one back home I guess. I don't live there now.

straydog198033 karma

Do you have any feelings for Nigeria or thinking of going back to rebuild / contribute?

mach-2119 karma

I think once I establish myself, I might go back and revamp the current entertainment sector. The only way to gain the world's interest is by success. Neil Blomkamp put South Africa on everyone's radar ... And made Nigerians look like alien fuckers. O_O

Good thing is our penis doesn't discriminate based on our district 9 portrayal.

CMG18_30 karma

Hi! I am half Nigerian, unfortunately have never travelled to the country. When I ask my grandmother questions she does everything to avoid the subject entirely. When did the tensions between Christians and Muslims start?! And is the government partaking in any forms of relief for the situation? How is the situation now?

Thank you! :)

mach-259 karma

The tension started after independence. The Brits fucked us in the arse and pulled out leaving the Muslims and Christians to squabble for the prize. Different military generals of varying faiths also contributed to the tensions. Resource allocation however is one of the major factors. The North is predominantly Muslim while the south is Christian.

CMG18_11 karma

I figured- I'm an international development and globalization student at the University of Ottawa so this notion is pretty much all We study. But thank for your insight on the situation given you went through the terror. Hopefully you are in a more peaceful place now. One more thing- (not knowing which age you witnessed this) do you find it has affected aspects of your daily life? Do you think it has affected any emotional development that you are aware of?! We hear about these situations but never get to talk to someone on an individual level. Thanks! :)

mach-215 karma

No not really. I guess growing up with it you just kinda get desensitized you know? You could say emotionally, i don't react to hearing news of atrocities having witnessed how depraved people can get.

rdudejr28 karma

Yes you did the AMA!!

What one thing could Nigeria do to improve things?

bonerparte182199 karma

Not the OP/AMA dude, but Nigeria's problem is pretty complicated. Here is the way I see it. European nationalism was established through blood, i.e borders were drawn by war/conflict. Nigeria was/is an amalgamation of different tribes (who were it not for colonialism would have had to evolve the very same way). Thats first. So already you have a bunch of people who really have nothing in common. Imagine the British, French, Germans and Poles trying to build an run a country together. Different language, different customs, I could go on. Secondly, corruption is so deeply rooted I see no hope for the near future. Corruption in Nigeria is certainly driven from the top, as those at the bottom without have no choice (the police on the street come to mind here). There are only 3 things that will truly and surely change Nigeria; 1. A very strong willed dictator/leader with foresight (problem with this? is imagine a post Yugoslavia Tito) 2. The break of the federation, which would likely cause another civil war because the resources (oil) are mostly in one region. 3) A very broad and bloody revolution, I am thinking French or Russian here. One with very deep consequences that changes the political and societal landscape. Until either one of these happens, we (they) are fucked.

mach-255 karma

This Naija guy gets it.

paolonutini22 karma

[deleted]

mach-222 karma

Oi. I'm Idoma.

Yes I did read a lot. Including Chinua Achebe's works.

Yes I reckon I will be back there eventually. Just in Canada for shooting a movie.

O_O Yes I am.

sabre_rider10 karma

mach-2, your ama just paid off. You found a classy gal who likes Paolo Nutini. Well done.

mach-29 karma

She used a throw away.

Brad_Wesley21 karma

I have spent a lot of time in Africa and it seems to me that much of the problem is different tribes/cultures being forced into the same country because some english guy drew a somewhat random map of the area.

Nigeria seems to have clear ethnic regions. Do you think it would help if the country was broken up into smaller countries?

mach-246 karma

Dividing the nations is simply dividing the problems. It doesn't do anything. All we need is a better educated generation. The onset of technology is helping that immensely.

Butterscotch_Disk21 karma

How long did you live in Nigeria, and what part of Nigeria?

mach-237 karma

I lived there for 18 years. Lived in Lagos then moved to Jos.

Slave_to_Logic21 karma

In your opinion, is religion is a force for good, or a force for evil?

mach-269 karma

Both. Grew up Catholic and had Muslim friends and Christian friends of different denominations. The kindest and worst people I met are from both ends.

ukrainehigh19 karma

Hey, I know this kind of non-related topic, but how big is impact of soccer on the population?

mach-226 karma

Very popular. Played everywhere. it's the number 1 sport.

Sekujin16 karma

What was the most shite part of your childhood?

mach-252 karma

NEPA now known as PHCN. They are the electric company. Never any light.

opportunistic_bear15 karma

How has everything you have seen or experienced while living in Nigeria shaped you to be what you are today?

mach-266 karma

Yes it has. I learned to both appreciate my heritage and I get to pat myself on the back for not dying yet.

Trailmagic14 karma

Thanks for doing this. What do you think it will take to control Boko Haram? Do you think the government/military is too weak? Nigeria is a former British Colony, so do you think Britain or the UN could step in like France did in Mali?

mach-236 karma

I think a honey pot deal. Lure the bastards into a cease fire and purge them behind a shed. Brutal? maybe. But the amount of shit they have pulled, people they have killed, innocent kids who were schooling even. External intervention wouldn't do anything since we are not in a civil war era yet. The Boko Harma still keep to the Northern part of the country.

gorksnak13 karma

How's it going bro

mach-224 karma

I'm good mate.

notsointowhitey9 karma

What is the deal with the rabid hatred for LGBT people that is reported on so much?

mach-248 karma

You have to understand that we are still chasing the west in every aspect of life. From education, standard of living, down to societal preconceptions.

milanbourbeck3 karma

How do you live with what you have seen today? Do you have nightmares? Where are you living now?

mach-23 karma

I'm normal. Except for the occasional waking up to conduct rituals, I'm alright. Seriously though, I don't have nightmares anymore. I do get instances that trigger memories but not so much. I lived in the UK, currently in Canada now.

jxj242 karma

Is Nigeria "fixable"? (Sorry for the blunt and insensitive term, but nothing else seemed to fit.) What will it take, other than ridiculous amounts of money and attention?

mach-214 karma

Nigeria has ridiculous amounts of money from the oil. What we do not have is people to put it to good use so in theory it is fixable.

KeenPro2 karma

I remember reading some of your stories about your boarding school a few months ago, The ones which stick out are when you got involved in a fruit smuggling rink, and when some kid made a prison break style escape.

My tag for you also leads to this comment which I think is fucking hilarious.

My question is what is your favorite memory from your boarding school?

mach-24 karma

When I got my first girl friend I reckon.

beeteeoh2 karma

What are some of Nigeria's biggest issues today, and what can the global 'North' (Europe, North America, etc.) do to help?

mach-29 karma

Education and Electricity. There's nothing Europe and North America can do to help. We need to sort ourselves out. No matter how much money you send, pot bellied chief Obi will pocket it.

bfg241 karma

What effect do you think these events have on tourism? What advice would you give to someone wanting to travel to Nigeria?

mach-22 karma

Tourism is still active. Get a trusted tour guide.

eisenhower7771 karma

who was more violent, Muslims or Christians?

mach-22 karma

On a scale of fuck - manson home videos? I don't know.

7456398521852456-5 karma

To me, with all the news stories coming out of Nigeria about necklacing, stoning, the repression of human rights, and the oppression of LGBT people it seems like your nation is a savage, uncultured wasteland not fit for the modern world. Is this impression correct or are those inhumane, dark-age elements only a small but visible segment of the country?

mach-217 karma

Disaster sells mate. Would you have heard of the titanic had it not sunk? I can't say anything to sway you. I would admit that it does seem rather bleak, but there are also beautiful places and people there. Are we behind in issues regarding LGBT? sure. It doesn't mean everyone is like that. In a nation where 70 percent live in poverty, you have to expect this sort of degradation to take place.