IamA riches-to-rags thriller author whose first two novels got $500,000 in contracts in 2009 and sold so poorly all my publishers dropped me. Since then, I've written four e-books in my garage that have sold a combined 263 copies on Kindle. AMA!

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Thank you - that's very interesting! Since I was only published overseas I've never seen my book on a store or library shelf.

Thanks to /u/Wuggy telling your book is available here in Finland, I just reserved one copy of your book from our library so I can read it.

Thank you!

If I can't find either of them in the US, may I have your permission to download them?

You may.

I've spent the past five minutes trying to think of something snarky to say, but truth is, I'm pretty jealous of the fact that you at least tried to live your dream. Props.

Thanks! Here's some pre-written snark for you:

"Overall most routine readers of the genre will be prepared to overlook poor characterisation, shoddy voice-work and simplistic use of language in the thrill of Osborne’s chase, but what they will feel disheartened with is the seemingly rushed ending after such an intentionally grand build-up. As Osborne presently works on his second thriller he may well learn the hard way that, just like tabloid journalism, in the modern era of crime fiction quick closure never pays as well as leaving some ends untied.

Apparently that reviewer never read Stephenson's Snow Crash. I'm pretty sure that book set the bar for shitty endings.

I've never read that one. Besides the ending, did you enjoy the book?

It's an awesome book. The opening paragraph is just amazing, but Stephenson can't write endings and Snow Crash is pretty much the epitome of that.

I'll need to check it out. Always on the lookout for a new read.

just a note on Stephenson; he has an amazing way with language. Reading Quicksilver, it's never very exciting but his language is so fun and beautiful, I don't really care. Who would have thought that reading about a guy talking about his adventures learning about math with Isac Newton would be so enjoyable.

Even for a guy like me who got an F in long-division in the fourth grade? STILL, don't know how to do that crap very well.

Snowcrash... the book was great, which was part of the reason the ending was so disappointing. He set such a great stage, and then just crapped all over it.

I hope I don't love the ending now. Then again, maybe it'll show me why my own ending sucked.

Do you think your agent oversold you? Or do you think you just under-delivered?

Regardless, I like your sense of morbid humor.

EDIT: Thanks for not dodging testy questions like this one. The AMA subreddit has been flooding with dishonest marketing shrills telling us how awesome their new movie/book/product is; in contrast, yours is a rose growing on a turd. This AMA is interesting because of your honesty, and also because of your self-deprecating humor. Have you thought about writing a short magazine article on your riches-to-rags story?

Probably a little bit of both. My agent represents some heavy hitters, so maybe I was some sort of loss-leader. Tough to say.

A little gallows humor is nice, even after you've already been hanged.

That needs to be immortalized in a quote. "A little gallows humor is nice, even after you've already been hanged."

-John Osborne

Not sure about the 'already' though.

I'm an over-writer. Always have been. And thank you.

Your books were quite good and I applaud your efforts. I recommend condensing the frequency with which you use interjectable pronouns. It makes for a rather tilted reading session. Alas, I do disgress. Perhaps we can gather one evening for tea and some of your wife's fine pastries for another session of literally rectal dilation. Well done sir.

I knew YOU were going to say what you just said, too. Now come join me inside.

I hate to say it, but as a loss leader it doesn't seem like you lead yo anybsales.

I'd have to agree.

Wow! I'm sorry to hear that. Why do you think the first two novels were unsuccessful and what have you learned from the entire ordeal in terms of learning experiences and what not to do? Do you ever wonder if writing wasn't for you?

Thanks for the condolences! The first book was a mild success that briefly appeared on a couple international bestseller lists (Der Spiegel, Official UK Top 50). Still, the sales were nowhere near enough to cover my advances. The second book everybody hated, and I mean HATED. The reviews sounded like they were personally offended that I was still alive. As far as what I've learned, I'm not sure, and that's the part that's scary. The same writing the agent and publishers loved the general public despised. And at 40 years old now, I do wonder if writing wasn't for me. All in all, I think I should have become a dentist!

I googled your books and on amazon they had good reviews. Are these faked by the publishers?

Do you have any idea what it is that got the agent and publishers so excited that just didn't work with the general public? Are they really that clueless? It seems like you got a deal with several different publishers?

To my knowledge, none of my reviews were faked. Some came from family and friends.

My first book was much better received than the second. The reviews for the German version of the second book include six one-stars and one two-stars (out of 10 reviews).

I'm sorry. My fellow countrymen can be dicks sometimes. Those reviewers were probably disappointed about the lack of talking cars.

I knew I should've added a damn talking car!

"My son is a good boy! You should read his book. He worked hard on it!"

Thanks, Mom!

If it cheers you up: I just read the German reviews of your "hated" book. Almost all of the reviews mention that there were tons of spelling mistakes in the books, and one of the reviews mentions that the same phrases were often repeated 3-4 times per page (!), which gave the book such a shitty style that it was hard to look past that and enjoy the story. So really, at least in that case, it sounds to me like it wasn't all your fault, but the translator was a major fuckup.

Thanks. That makes me feel a little better. From what I could gather, that was a problem with the Chinese version, too.

I always wonder if amazon reviews are a valid metric for success of a book (I think sales trumps all, but I distress). I mean, it's a biased selection - If there were only 8 people who loathed the book they are probably writing a review.

I think people are more likely to write a review on something they hate because they're pissed-off at a writer they think they wasted their money on.

As a dentist, i am flattered by your nice comment. Most people on reddit are anti-dentites. My people have suffered enough.

I've seen the houses you people suffer in. I really, really should've been a dentist.

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People think he should do stand-up - stage fright.

No question, just wanted to say that your answers have been very interesting with a candor rarely seen in AMAs. Honestly one of the best I've read and a nice change from celebrities that dodge questions. Best wishes to you and your family.

Thank you very much! Best wishes to you and yours, as well!

No question but a comment. I'm very sorry. I'm sure writing was your dream/passion, and you obviously have the ability to be creative or else you never would've gone anywhere with it. It sucks to have your dream come true and then be vomited back in your face.

I imagine it was an incredible hit to your self esteem, and that sucks a lot. I doubt I impart any life lessons here but, it should have taught you that you do in fact have great potential. Something within you inspired people to believe in you to a fault. I think you'll find your place, even if it isn't the place you immediately envisioned yourself in.

I think every creative person wants to be a writer at some point. Every songwriter wanted to be a poet, every poet wanted to write an epic, etc. While not completely true, I believe the written word has a power over us as humans that is undeniable, and a sort of sirens call for anyone who is creative at heart.

Anyway, good luck. I hope that if your heartstrings find another tune they adore that you won't let this failure force you into being too afraid to try again.

Thank you! Those are incredibly nice sentiments. I think you nailed it with "It sucks to have your dream come true and then be vomited back in your face." That is a very apt description!

So, you said how you got such a huge amount of money for your first books, but why do you think so many people believed that you would sell so well? When you...er didn't.

I guess what I'm really asking is why do you think so many people over estimated you?

Also, any advise to a young writer hoping to get published?

I think it was the story idea for the first book that got people excited. Basically, a serial killer who recreates actual serial-killer murders but fixes the mistakes that got them caught. Perhaps it's my writing that wasn't good enough to make the most of the idea.

My best advice to a young writer is to let your book sit for about six weeks or so after it's finished. I know it's tough to do, but you'd be amazed how much better you can make it once you look at it with a pair of fresh eyes.

Well, that's actually kind of encouraging. Anyone can learn to write well with enough direction and practice. A compelling story is much harder. Maybe you could try your hand at script writing. Let someone else evoke the imagery.

That's not a bad idea. The first book got shopped around Hollywood and Paramount showed a little interest but wanted to see how the books sales went. Not well enough, obviously, since there's no movie in the works!

so close.

Yet so, so far.

That was actually the basic plot of the 2008 David Baldacci novel Hour Game, too:

http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/1600242189

I had that basic idea kicking around in my head for a story until I saw that Baldacci already wrote it. I think it's an intriguing premise for a thriller/crime novel.

I did not know that. I started writing the book in 2001, got my agent in 2006 and sold it in 2009. I guess they were telling the truth when they said that every story that can be told HAS been told.

What about a story about a queef goblin?

Is it a good goblin or a bad goblin?

What is one piece of advice you have for anyone reading this AMA?

DO NOT QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!

Does it piss you off to read reviews from guys like David Clough -- "A game of chance whilst not an awful book it certainly is not a very good book. The writers style is amateur at best. The characters are wooden, cliched and boring. The writer needs to learn how to write conversations as the dialogue in this book is horrible and does nothing for the story and does not help to flesh out the characters."?

Ha! I remember that one! It hurts a little to read the bad reviews, but I've gotten so many now I've become a little numb to them by this point. I'll get one and say, "Hmmn, another one-star review to add to the collection. Excellent!" A German reviewer once said I had "set a new standard for terrible writing." Others have called my writing "absolute trash" and wonder "how did this person get published in the first place?"

Those kinds of reviews and the fact that you're doing a pretty cool AMA kind of make me want to read your book. Which one should I read, where should I buy it, and would you autograph it for me possibly?

Also, thanks for not asking us to buy your books and actually answering a lot of questions, I really like this AMA so far.

Edit: I accidentally got a lot of people interested in a (possibly free) copy of book, sorry about that... Or maybe I did a good thing? I guess it'll depend on who buys your books :)

Also, that's pretty great that you offered to give away some copies, even if you don't send me one, that's pretty generous of you. Most people would've linked to their product by now, but I appreciate that you're not here to sell your book or anything.

Thank you. The ship already sailed on any significant sales. If you're not a hit out of the gate, you're usually not a hit. I have plenty of copies of KILL ME ONCE and that seems to be the one people enjoy the most. If you'll send me your address I'll ship you a signed copy (haven't been asked for one since my mom wanted one!)

New idea for a thriller.

Failed writer goes to an online thread to answer questions and give out free copies of his book about serial killers. Serial killers that copy cat other serial killers, this time learning from their mistakes.

The twist?

It was all a rouse to begin with!

He uses his inheritance to self publish a thriller from a shell publishing company and meticulously writes bad reviews.

He goes online to do a Q&A and offer free copies of his novel, as long as you send your address.....

Now with an "appointment book", he it's free to visit his loyal "fans"

Or something like that. But not so sucky.

I like it. But, as I've been told, I can't write un-sucky things, so there you go.

Well you might not be cash rich.

But by the end of this, you'll be Karma Rich!

.....so at least you got that going for you!

Which is nice.

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What a coincidence, I was about to say the same about you!

I'd like one! I'd be happy to pay for the copy/shipping c:

Please send your address! I think I have about twenty copies and I can pay for the shipping for that.

I know I'd sure be pissed if my writing was criticized by someone who actually uses the word "whilst."

I knew I didn't like that guy for some reason.

LOL I bet David "Douche Canoe" Clough hasn't even written a book, let alone make $500,000.

If he ever does, I want the first crack at reviewing it.

How did you get $500,000 in contracts without any prior published work? That seems impressive, with the things I hear about the publishing industry being so tough to get in to these days.

I have a big-time agent who sold the books in four languages (English, German, French and Chinese.) There was sizable preempt in English (100,000 pounds, as my former publisher is based in the UK) and a bidding war in Germany, which got me 220,000 euros for the two books. I got $36,000 from the French and $4,000 from the Chinese. I don't know what the exchange rates are these days, but at the time it equaled $500K. So, to answer your question: a lot of luck and a great agent.

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I went to agentquery.com, narrowed down the list to those who represented thrillers and queried all of them (81). Got ten requests for full manuscripts and three offers of representation. I picked the agent I liked best.

And, you're welcome!

Why do you write in your garage?

I have nowhere else to write because all the rooms are filled with children!

If you filled the garage with children, you would have so much room for activities in the other rooms! Then again, I think your power box is usually in the garage, so they would collectively start a fad in the neighborhood of terrorizing everyone with people saying at different times, on different days.. 'What do you mean, "They cut the power"? How could they cut the power, man? They're animals!'

Ha! Don't give me any devious ideas!

Why not? Sounds like you could use an idea or two. ;-)

I'm joking! You've been making fun of your situation yourself, so I figured it was fair game. I wish you nothing but success.

Of course it's fair game. I only teared-up a little, didn't actually CRY.

So what are you doing nowadays (other than writing e-books)? Living off of the 500,000 advance?

This is a good question that will allow me to post a warning to others to not be as stupid as I was. I am currently looking for a job because the day I got my first contract I quit my job as a newspaper reporter. It had always been my dream to not work a regular job, but the 500K is almost gone now. Taxes and agent fees ate up a sizable portion of it, and living for four years while supporting five other people ate up the rest. So far the only interview I've had is at the paper I quit. Writing jobs are few and far between, so if you've got one, hold on to it!

Well, I wish you the best of luck!

Follow-up question: have you considered pitching other books to big publishers using a pseudonym?

Thank you very much! And, yes, I have thought about using a different name in the future to run away from the lack of success I had using my real name (which, while close, isn't even my real name. My REAL name is JoHn Osborne but the publishers wanted to drop the "h" to avoid confusion with the famous playwright. In hindsight, maybe that confusion wouldn't have been so bad!).

Ozzy's real name is John also

I actually knew that. Score one for me!

So I have always wondered, and pardon my stupidity.

They gave you an advance of $500k, but your books didn't earn $500k. As the idea of an advance is that they pay you money in advance on money you will earn later, if you don't earn that money later, do they claw it back?

Thankfully, no! They want it back if you don't deliver the books, but poor sales don't trigger a refund.

I shivered a little just thinking about it.

Thanks. I assumed that was how it worked, but the term "advance" always bugged me.

You're quite welcome. I never knew any of this stuff, either.

So you earned half a million dollars? And the downside?

Thinking it would last forever.

Don't they usually not even care about the books? After all you could just throw together a couple hundred pages of shit and say you gave it your best shot.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your failure, do you plan to stick with writing?

I had a scare when my second book wasn't shaping up to their liking. My agent said, "I don't want for them to ask for the money back. Do better!"

I will only write as long as I can make money from it. If I can't, I won't. I just don't know whether to call it a career and go home yet.

How has your agent taken it? Does it harm him that the books didn't do well?

I'm a small fish in her big pond so I don't think she notices me as much as some of the other writers. She is wonderful, though. She took me on when I was an even worse writer than I am now.

Awesome. Congrats! I decided to skip conventional publishers and have gone straight to ebook. 5,000 sales first two months. 92% profit. I've made more money than some NYT best selling authors. Point: Where do you see the publishing industry heading? Ebooks? Or dead trees? What advice would you give a new author?

That is absolutely fantastic! Congratulations to you! That's an awesome number!

The industry is definitely going digital. No doubt about it.

In addition to letting your work rest for a while after you've finished, I would have to say that you should always have a backup plan (read: day job) no matter how much you might think you're going to set the world on fire.

I just have to say, I love your honesty and your attitude.

What do you think is in your future? And what do you see in the future of the book publishing industry?

Thank you. My future remains unknown at this point. I have kids so I'll have do whatever I need to do to keep them fed. As for books, I think the industry's headed for writers selling directly to their readership.

impress me with your writing skills in 3 sentences

I'll give you the first three sentences from my work-in-progress:

The little girl wasn’t tough, even she knew that. Not too many little girls around these parts were, from what she’d seen. Still, Abby McDaniels, age eight in 1986, pushed away all the fear swirling around inside her and stepped tentatively out of the oversized bedroom that she shared with her younger sister, feeling the cold marble flooring of the massive hallway beneath her bare feet.

Don't know how impressive that is, but there ya go!

Sorry to hear that...

I find your responses above hilarious and enjoyable to read (given that I read every single one). But this paragraph has way too many commas. Maybe write as you would write when writing to us? And switch over to dark comedy? Like I'm envisioning you as Ed Wood right now. Or maybe I'm imagining things.

Good luck!

I do tend to get a little comma-happy. Journalistic writing creeping in, I guess. I sweat so much over every sentence that you're probably right: I should probably try to write a bit more freely.

Ed Wood, I'll take!

"...., age eight in 1986,..."

that bit truly was terrible. Imagine someone said that in the middle of a conversation, you'd be like: "Huh? Is this person quoting a text book?"

/sorry

No worries. It needs improvement, for sure. I've got a few good rewrites that I can steal now, though.

I would get rid of "tentatively", "bare", and either "oversized" or "massive" because they both accomplish the same goal [of making it seem like she lives in a mansion]. And maybe split up that third sentence somehow.

I'm not actually any good at writing, so take that with a grain of salt.

Everything tastes better with salt. And these are all good suggestions. I try to edit myself, but I always think my editing ideas are crap and I know better.

Try writing a screenplay. I'm a filmmaker and I'd love to work on something with you.

I just may try it. As a filmmaker, what are the main hurdles you think a novelist would have trying to switch over?

Complete amateur who has written both novels and screenplays for fun. But to me the Hardest thing is, as a novelist, it's easy to lose yourself in the descriptions and actions of a script and completely forget you're supposed to be writing mainly dialogue, whereas its the other way around with a novel.

I can only imagine. It sounds pretty tough!

Sounds like an interesting ride, but instead of an AMA, shouldn't you write a book about the experiences?

Judging by past experience, almost nobody would read it, and the few that did would just want to punch me in my stupid face.

Maybe start out with an apology, and say, "Hey, I'm sorry you guys didn't like my books. Hopefully, you won't be sorry about buying this one, after I tell you this story..."

I LOL'd, if that is still acceptable Internet speak. Well played!

So, you're a "failure"?

On one hand, yes. On the other, no. It was hard to get published, so I succeeded there. Once I got there, though, I failed. It's a weird feeling that leaves me second-guessing myself all the time.

How do advances work? Do you keep all that cash even if the sales don't happen?

Edit:

Answer:
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1jlp04/iama_richestorags_thriller_author_whose_first_two/cbfz30k

Yes, thankfully!

This sounds like a great premise for a novel....

How did you find your book agent?

I scored the number 5 all-time ama convo on reddit, wrote a majorly well-received memoir, and have been beating my head against a wall trying to market it ever since.

Didn't do it for the money, but sheesh, when you read some of the absolute crap out there in hardcover (I'm talking to you, Brandi Cipriani) it's enough to make you want to stick forks in your ears. At least you've the satisfaction of nailing a kick-ass advance. Seriously, there's a good story in here; can't wait to read it. Good luck to you, man!

Thank you! And congrats on your memoir! Now that I've self-published, I haven't even tried to market my books. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Not really a question but you seem to be throwing out books at an incredible rate. Maybe you should let the ideas/characters incubate a bit before you throw them on paper.

I spent a lot of time on each of the books (about a year each). I just put them out on Kindle at the same time when I realized I couldn't get them sold to a traditional publisher.

Who is your favorite author? Why? Which author most inspired your style of writing?

Tough call. I guess I'd have to say it's James Lee Burke because of the beautiful imagery he evokes. James Patterson most inspired my style of writing. Even if you don't personally like his writing, you can't argue with his success!

Maybe that's your problem, your name isn't James. Time for a pen name!

Bic Osborne. I like the sound of that!

Parker Osbourne has a nice ring...

Classier.

What 'powered' your writing? What were you doing/drinking to get you in the zone?

Newports and Diet Coke. And crystal meth.

That's what I'm missing! Soda!

It's always the soda. And the crystal meth.

Do you think you have a chance to become a successful writer at some point in the future? And since your forte is original ideas, what about writing movies scripts?

I really hope so, but the older I get the more the dream fades. I just might give scriptwriting a shot one day if I can't gain any ground as a novelist.

You just said you were only 40! Kurt Vonnegut was a PR man for General Electric in his late 30's and didn't break through til he was 41 when Cat's Cradle suddenly became a bestseller. He, also, was right about to give up on writing.

Is GE still hiring?

As a wannabe screenwriter, and unpublished novelist, I can say that writing a book is a far easier task than writing a good screenplay. In a novel, you have all sorts of license to explore different perspectives, but in a screenplay you're limited exclusively to the objective present tense. Economy of language is second only to story: it must consistently remain fresh and engaging while still being direct and informative, without being over-written. Have you tried it? It's a bitch.

I have not tried that particular bitch.

Why wait until you aren't gaining ground as a novelist. Put as many Irons in the fire as you can, you are sure to put your brand on something!

Good point. Hopefully my brand won't be like Monsanto, though!

so...on what did you spend the money?

I bought a new Macbook and took one vacation to Hilton Head but other than that I didn't buy anything fancy. Just used it to pay normal bills for the family for the past few years.

So I read this IAMA, then later in the day I've totally forgotten about it and I go to buy my father a birthday present. I go to my small local bookstore outside of Bergen, Norway and look what I found.

That's awesome! Thanks so much for that picture!!!

At least they don't have me up against any sort of competition there!

Seriously, that picture means the world to me. Thank you for sharing it!!!!!

I love this AMA and I love your earnest answers OP. You should write a book about failing at writing books, because this is really a fascinating perspective that, i think, too few people get to see.

Thank you! The underbelly is pretty ugly if you're not a big shot.

Two questions.

1--How did you go about getting published? Was it a lot of work?

2--How did the failure of your first two novel affect your relationship towards writing?

Also, I admire you for sticking to writing. I myself, don't think I could have your strength. To me it shows that you really love your craft, and are passionate and dedicated. I wish there were more people like you--who do the things they love out of love, instead of for success.

Thank you, but even though I love writing, I want the success, too. I put so much time and energy into it that I couldn't possibly do it if it doesn't pay the bills.

1. I wrote the book, queried 81 agents, got 10 requests for full manuscripts and signed with my top-choice agent. It was a 10-year journey, and the work seemed CRIPPLING at times.

2. Honestly, many times it has made me want to give up. I can't quite pull the trigger yet, though.

I think I might be a bit late to the party, but I have a question if you're still here. My friend is a great writer, and I've convinced her to put her writings together in a book. I offered to edit and pay for the first batch of soft covers. Even if it flops hard, I love her writing and having a box of 100 of her books is ok with me. Any advice I can give her? Any advice you can give me?

Still here. Hand-sell those babies!

P.S. - You're a good friend!

Are you doing anything to improve your writing skills?

Reading and writing every day, but other than that, I haven't taken any classes. Maybe I should.

That sucks, but good luck. Just write a really dirty erotica novel. That shit will fly of the shelves. People are dirty fucks.

I did notice they seem to sell very well. (And I did notice all the dirty sex in the 400 or so erotica novels I've read.)

What did you plan on going into as a teenager? What did you major in? If you had a time machine would you do it differently?

1 horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses?

My first dream was to play third base for the Cleveland Indians. I was disabused of the notion I had a shot at a career in the big leagues once I got to high school. Being an author was my next dream. I majored in English in college (and got a C- in my creative writing class). If I had a time machine, I would definitely do it differently. A hundred duck-sized horses probably would've been a better bet for me.

As a writer, do you follow any of the conventions of classical storytelling? I'm an avid reader as well as an amateur writer, but I analyze everything I write to death, often following the guidelines set by Aristotle, Joseph Campbell, and Syd Field. In my experience I've found that poorly reviewed fiction tends to break the rules of either style (strunk&white) or content (Joseph Campbell). Does this generalization apply?

Like William Hung, I have no professional training. I guess I write by ear, or something like that. I analyze the crap out of my stuff, too. I rearranged sentences in my dreams. I'm not kidding.

Little does he know, this AMA is going to make him rich.

Mr. Osborne, your not so unintentional strategy is working.

If it makes me SUPER rich I'll fly everyone to my private island for a personal reading of my book HOW I GOT RICH ON REDDIT WITH A NOT-SO-UNINTENTIONAL STRATEGY.

That's a promise!

What is your opinion of Tolkien?

It's been a long time since I've read him (back when I was in the Navy, late-90s) but I remember having some trouble getting through all the descriptive passages.

Are you still doing thrillers? Have you branched out to any other genres and if you did, what one would you think you would love to do? If a movie was made about your success and infamy and then success again (because there is a movie being made about you)

Who is on your shortlist of actors to play you?

I am still doing thrillers. Haven't tried any other genres, but I might try romance, simply because it seems to sell so well. I'm not one of those writers who "needs" to write because of a muse or anything like that. I just want to make money.

As far as the movie being made about me (which I already knew about, by the way) I've been told I look a bit like Dr. House, so maybe Hugh Laurie. Other than that, maybe Edward Norton could start lifting again like he did for AMERICAN HISTORY X and MAYBE get muscular enough to pull it off.

do you like jodi picoult books? i really like what I consider 'mom' thrillers, maybe ask your wife what her worst fears are and write those out. i think it would at least be a little more true to you.

I've only sampled a bit of her books on the Amazon free previews, so I can't really say. Thanks for the advice - I'd wake her up to ask her right now but then I'd be right back into the blood-and-gore stuff again!

Not to sound like a dick, but considering how poorly you've done in thrillers (and that you've pretty much completely lost any possible audience), wouldn't switching genres probably be in your best interest?

Romance is probably a good route to go, not only because it seems to sell so well, but because the entire genre is painfully derivative, and the dialogue (which, according to reviews, you're not exceptional with) is generally trite and largely ignored anyway.

Nothing dickish about that, at all. It's the truth. I answered another question like this by saying I might try out romance - for all the reasons you stated.

How do you eat Oreos?

They clog up my throat too much and I don't drink milk, so I don't eat them.

Dude that sucks but 500 grand, that's a lot of dough, how did you loss all that money and get stuck in a garage???

My wife likes shoes.

Maybe this is the problem. You think you're a bad writer. So you are. A self-fulfilling prophecy. But remember this:

1. Bad reviews do not mean the book is bad. It merely means that someone didn't like it. Which still hurts, but reading is subjective. There are plenty of people whom you and I might consider bad writers that others love—and vice versa.

2. Bad sales do not mean the book is bad. It's quite possible it had a bad publicity campaign or that the publisher dropped the ball altogether. Too often these days publishers try a couple of things that don't work, then lose interest and move on. The advance is a write-off. And honestly, $500,00 sounds like a lot, but that's several advances from several different sources. And books with lower advances don't really get much push.

It sounds to me as if you're a bit too hard on yourself. Maybe you're not nearly as bad as you think you are.

Or you're simply using this as a gimmick to, hopefully, sell books.

Good points. Honestly, the number of books I could sell by doing something like this wouldn't put a dent into what's still owed to the publishers. Still, I can understand why you might think that.

have you ever 'mentored' anyone? What would you say to someone dragging their feet? do you think less and less people are reading these days? and how would you feel to sell the epub and kindle file straight from your website? I HATE HAAATTTEEEEE buying books from apple or amazon because i want to be able to switch from my phone to my kindle.

I have not mentored anyone in creative writing. If you're dragging your feet, you should just puke out a first draft and fix it later.

I actually don't have a website anymore. I had one when I was first published, but no one visited it! I do know that my books are pirated on a lot of sites. I give you permission to pirate one. Argh!

I've noticed some up and coming authors doing a release of a chapter at a time kind of model for ebooks. Do you think that changes the pace and feel of a story and perhaps would be a good exercise for your writing? Would you ever want to go back into news reporting?

Edit...

I'd love to go back into news reporting - if I could find a job!

As for your first question, I should give it a shot. Couldn't hurt (I hope)!

Who is your favorite character in a book? Who is your favorite character from a movie? TV series?

Book: Holden Caulfield. Read the book in my teens, and that character's still with me today.

Movie: Hannibal Lecter. Thomas Harris really struck gold with that guy.

TV Series: Tony Soprano. RIP James Gandolfini.

How'd I do?

500,000 for two books or each? Did you feel like the publishers did all they could to promote the books?

I know there are huge self published successes but it seems like a lot of them already had long careers and therefore a preexisting audience. What do you think of all the hype surrounding self-publishing?

For two books. I wasn't really in on the promotion-side of things because it was taking place overseas, but the German contract, in addition to the advance, called for another 200,000 euros for promotional purposes. Probably something my agent watched.

I think self-publishing is probably the way of the future, with the big names selling direct to their readership and the little or no-names (like me) going that route because they have no other choice.

What is the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?

This question.

Why do you think people want to ask you questions?

I'm guessing it's because I'm so handsome.

I would agree, you are pretty damn handsome.

Why, thank you! It's not often that I'm complimented for my looks!