I am Jim Norton, comedian, shamelessly whoring my new special on Epix, Please Be Offended and this is my AMA.

I ended this hours ago, but found out some people actually thought I avoided the Bree Olson question? I have just talked about it a lot and didn't want to bore people. Bree is a friend of mine, we hooked up one time, it was fucking fantastic. Well, she was. I was stopping every two minutes so I didn't blast a shot along her leg. I finally did, and my only regret was that I pulled out. We never had sex again, which is her choice not mine of course. She's a sweetheart and when we talked about it on O and A, she said I was good in bed. She was nice to lie for me. I was a mediocre everyman trying not to humiliate myself. I almost fucking said I LOVE YOU thirty seconds into it. I'm an ass.

Since Jim Norton is being so awesome in answering question, just to make sure his plug gets out there.

His new hour special "Please Be Offended" will be airing on Epix on June 30th at 10/9c, everyone please watch.

Thank you Sir. I actually had no idea what time it was on until you wrote this.

Have you figured out what to do with your hands while acting?

yes, put one of them around the barrel of a shotgun and the other on the trigger

What is the inspiration behind the comedy powerhouse that is Chip Chipperson (wussat?)

Chip is every unfunny, irritating douche I've ever run across. Trying to come up with the worst jokes in a situation is oddly freeing. If I think of something funny, I say it. If I think the joke blows, Chip says it.

Did Mimi Beardsley ever eat your ass?

No, but she did jerk me off behind a dumpster after RFK's funeral

You're incredibly fast on your feet when it comes to pumping out funny lines on the fly. Were you always able to that since you were young, or is it something you developed over time?

Also, I've always wanted to know, did you practice mentally to say "whats that" whenever someone says "chip" or do you just do it naturally?

thanks man. it's just a weird instinct, firing out lines, I don't know exactly how the thought process even works. I wish I did, so I could bore everyone by talking about my 'art'

What is the most annoying thing that listeners do when they call the O and A show?

Talk

Any idea who you may have offended the most?

it's a toss up between blacks and whites

Are we sure it isn't women you've offended most?

yes. women I've harassed and repulsed, not offended

1.) What is the biggest change to stand up comedy that you've seen since you started?

2.) What now famous comedian did you witness just starting out?

The public has become engagingly hypersensitive in the last 20 years. Comics actually have to apologize for saying shit on stage, it makes me sick. And I can remember paying Kevin Hart $300 to come to Mass. and open for me in a college

Would you fuck Kate Upton if you knew your mom was in the next room watching through a one way mirror and masturbating?

yes, and I'd also fuck my mom if I knew Kate was in the next room, watching us, and doing the same thing

What is the top reason you have not performed abroad in England or the rest of Europe? Is that your choice?

I have no self esteem and don't think I'd be liked over there

Rodney Dangerfield: "I don't get no respect."

Henny Youngman: "Take my wife, please."

Jim Norton: "____________"

"How big does that thing get, Miss?"

Hi Jim, I was an immediate fan of yours the first time I tuned into O&A about 7 years ago, and you're the main reason I've listened ever since. My question is, between the show and your circle of friends, you seem to hang out with a lot of comedians, what is that like? Is everyone always trying to one up each other? Seems like there might be a lot of pressure to be "on".

I am friends with some of the funniest people in the country. But NOTHING, including Sandusky trial testimony, is more revolting than a comedian who ALWAYS tries to 'be on'. We tend to ridicule those assholes because they're being fraudulent.

Do/did you really not wear a condom while sampling Brazil's finest ladies of the evening?

yes, I fucked the same girl twice in two days in a whorehouse with no condom. she kept saying 'you special' in broken english. My cock booed me in the cab on the way home.

You, sir, had sex with one of my friends. :) And I have to commend you for that. I've been trying to nail her for years!

I don't know if thats true, but if so, apologize to her because i'm sure I came quickly

Yourself excluded, who do you feel is the best comedian working today?

Love Attell and Colin Quinn

Hey Jim,

You often bring up people on the internet and using their real name. You have stated a few times that you think people should use their full first and last name online. Do you really feel this way or do you say this just to rile people up?

The internet and screen names isn't something new and I'm sure people shit talking you can get annoying after a while. How do you think we would benefit from everyone using their real name online? How do you feel about the positive aspects of anonymity online i.e. arab spring, Anonymous doing good things etc.

If a law was introduced to eliminate online anonymity would you support it or speak out against it? If a law like this was passed wouldn't it annoy you that the government is stepping to babysit us?

Thanks for your time!

I detest internet anonymity because people say things they'd NEVER say face to face. we don't live in communist China; no one will beat down your door for an opinion. I don't need a law passed, I just have a vitriolic hatred for Internet cowards

Hi Jim. How much of Ant's racism is real? I think a good 90% of it's funny...but every once in a while I get really annoyed by how genuine it seems.

exaggerated completely. he's much more moderate and sane than people think.

Who do you like more? Opie or Anthony?

I like them both for different reasons. To lay close and cuddle, with light kisses, Opie. When I need my ass eaten, and roughly, I call Ant

Could you explain that ordeal with Lewis Black and the Voyeur Bus?

Long story, but Lew and i spent the night in jail because we were on a bus with naked chicks that crossed too close to Pres Clinton's parade route. 27 hours later, with both of our asses fucked, we left the joint for good

For someone who doesn't know your work very well, is there any place you'd recommend to begin? Or should I just go straight for the Epix special?

My first special was called Monster Rain, watch clips on line, if you like it, then watch Please Be Offended. If not, ignore the new one, you won't like it either

If your (O&A) XM contract is not renewed, will the show continue at Anthony's house or will you guys part ways?

if we aren't renewed, I'll stand on ant's fucking lawn with a megaphone and do chip until he lets me in the house

No question - I just want to say that I miss Tough Crowd. Greatest show ever and the most courageous comedy on TV. I never understood a word that Collin Quinn said. I loved you on that show and I miss Patrice.

thanks man, I loved that show so much. EVERYTHING i touch dies on the vine. You'll see what I mean two weeks from now when Reddit goes under thanks to me having been here. I'm the kiss of death.

What is the hardest you've ever laughed on O&A?

It's a few different possibilities. Opie throwing poker chips (whats that?) at a woman, Ant doing the famous Connor Peterson 'bouquet of seaweed' line are the first two that come to mind

How about Louis asking Donald rumsfeld if he's a lizard? I was goddamn dying

I wasn't in that day, although Louie admitted recently it was to get some publicity for his upcoming special. And it worked. Smart motherfucker

When are you going back on Joe Rogan's podcast?

This Wed actually. I think I'm taping Leno Wed, then right after that I go to Joe's

Hey Jimmy, huge fan of you and the b-b-boys, and the one time I met you, you all treated me amazingly (You had me dragged in studio because I looked like an "adult baby")

ANYWAY, for my question, what can you tell us about the current state of you and the boys contract negotiations with Sirius? Did you end up signing a new one yet? Better or worse?

P.S. check out /r/opieandanthony, we've all been excited to get a visit from a sweater boy cutie such as yourself.

I'd love to stay, because realistically, what the fuck else am I going to do?

how did you prepare for the role you played in spiderman?

I stood in front of the mirror and screamed, "YOU'RE AN ACTOR YOU PIECE OF SHIT...NOW ACT!" until my throat was raw

Not a question, just wanted to apologize for getting up to pee during your set at the Comedy Cellar about 4 or 5 years ago. My wife and I were sitting right up front and the comics were swapping sets so fast I couldn't find a good opportunity to get up and pee discreetly and my bladder's CHECK ENGINE light came on during your set. I fought the urge for as long as possible and after much squirming and urine denial eventually decided the inevitable comic abuse was worth the relief.

You were mean to me while I was in the bathroom but I will say it was a fun experience having a room full of strangers talking about me while my penis was in my hands.

You were doing a good job and I deserved the verbal abuse.

If I remember correctly you asked when I got back to my table if I felt better, I said "Well you're funnier now" which seemed a lot more clever in my head than the mumbled gibberish that slid out of my face.

After an awkward moment you went right on kicking ass and I thank you for that.

It's okay, sir. Had you gotten up to shit, a resolution would be impossible.

You mentioned last week that you would try to get Carolla on? What's going on there? Are his people being twats because he does Stern?

Not at all, I think Adam does his own decision making. I'm doing his podcast this Thursday in LA actually. I think he'd be great on O and A

Jimmy, you are the reason I love the O+A show. I have been listening to the show since 2006.

That said, have you ever met anyone funnier than Patrice? He really seemed like the funniest person that I had ever heard.

Thanks buddy! And fuck Maxwell.

patrice was the funniest person I've ever known, the only guy I'd put on par is Colin.

Jimmy,

When you are out on the road and performing, does it ever get hard to keep your act going when people are yelling out O&A show references? Ever have to stop a show and tell the crowd to stop it? Who is the worst comic not named Rich Vos you have had to work with (like being a diva when they have no right to be)

I don't have to stop shows and I hate having people tossed, but I will do it if they're obnoxious enough. I've worked with SO many awful comics, I try to block them out like childhood rape memories

How much of Opie is real? I know alot of his 'for the show' is a gag - it seems he isn't kidding as often as he wants us to think

he's pretty honest on air, although he cares more about what people think than he'd like people to know. he's a much nicer guy than you'd think

Which hold or strike from an MMA fighter hurt most when you received it? How about the following day?

Jon Jones leg kick, by far. I had a fucking knee brace on for three weeks after that

Is Fez Ok? Seriously, is he alright?

he seems great since he came out, i'm very happy for him

Jim, I bought the premium Sirius/XM package so I could listen to Howard Stern a few years ago but found myself turning on O&A more and more often until they became my main show. Do you guys ever get any real numbers from Sirius on how many listeners you have? They must have some way to track that.

As Howard works fewer and fewer days, the opportunity for you guys just grows larger. What do you think the chances are that you all re-up when the contract ends?

the only numbers I see are on the road in clubs, so i know the show is doing well by the number of people who come see me. in most markets we are doing surprisingly well.

Can you give me an example of a time you were convicted in "Hack Court"?

Patrice, me and Keith Robinson, Kevin Hart used to take each other's bits to 'hack court'. Its been so many years, I cannot remember what I was convicted for, but believe me I was convicted. we would accuse each others bits of being hacky and then argue for three hours

Little Jimmy, how does it feel being a human x slug hybrid? And is that why you don't like salt?

It's lonely but I'm used to it. Makes picking up prostitutes seem so much more right.

Hi Jimmy, greetings from the UK. When was the first time you realised that being a comic was actually a realistic carreer for you to pursue? What did this realisation feel like?

Come to England, you'd kill it man.

1980 after watching Richard Pryor. I always figured it would be something I'd never actually do, just dream about like a douche.

Hey Jim. I saw you a few months back when you came to the Tempe Improv. Obligatory fanboy pic. I sent you an email after the show telling you it was the best comedy show I've ever seen, and I meant it. You were cool enough to email me back too, which I thought was awesome. Just wanted to let you know if you heard that the Improv has since closed down, and subsequently the owner went missing and was eventually found dead. Do you ever plan on coming back to the Valley? We love you here.

Once again proving what a black spot on the lung of comedy I am. everywhere I go, fucking disaster follows.

Happy birthday Yimmy! If there's one thing that the "reddit hive mind" hates most it's probably Jay Leno. What's your view on the public animosity towards him and internet sainthood of Conan?

I don't mind people loving or hating a comic's humor, either opinion is fair. I love Jay, he's treated me great and I get away with a lot of harsh content on the show. Most of the public animosity is based on people not really understanding what happened, and this fake-edge where they think attacking Leno is hip and smart. I've never met Conan and I honestly have nothing against him. I think his Twitter account is brilliant.

Have you ever clipped your toe nails by chewing them off because you couldn't find a pair of nail clippers?

the question is; have I ever not done that

Opie, Anthony and yourself have brought up a few times how much your agent sucks and doesn't do anything. How come you don't dump him and get a agent that does stuff for you guys and the show?

For the same reason Dottie Sandusky didn't leave her husband. We're idiots.

You and Artie still good bros? What's your opinion of Howard Stern since you're now part of the same company?

yes, I love Artie. I'll be doing another gig with him, Attell and DiPaolo in August right outside Chicago. And Howard has been very nice to me every time I've met him, we've spoken, it's been pleasant. I respect him tremendously because of what he's built. You can't be in radio and not respect what he does.

Big fan, Jim!

1. What is the highest you've ever scored in bowling?
2. Do you have any up-and-coming comedians that you see being successful?
3. Describe your favorite sandwich.

Thanks man!

I once scored a 6, but I was cheating. John Mullaney and Amy Schumer are both great and ready to become far more famous than I am. And my favorite sandwich is probably liverwurst, with onion, on rye with spicy mustard

Whats it like seeing my brothers face everyday? (Danny)

Twice as bad as seeing his asshole

Your best heckler story? and what did you think about south park's portrayal of carlos mencia.

I haven't seen the south park episode, but I've had so many hecklers and i hate them all. I had a table of women BABBLING at a gig once and i smashed them. One of the woman points at her friend and says "she just survived beast cancer!" as if that's reason enough to yap during my fucking show.

Jim!

I sorta kinda remember, maybe on tough crowd, you telling a story getting some type of compliment from ron jeremy while at a brothel. What was that story!

I think I tell it in monster rain. ron and I pulled a train on a girl, him fucking her, she blew me. he told me I had a nice piece.

Happy Birthday Jimmy.

What were the inspirations for Chip, Edgar, Ted, Uncle Paul etc?

When was the last time you paid for sex?

How much of the stuff on O&A is planned?

Which Patrice joke had you laughing the hardest? (Who has a bigger cock? you or muamba?)

Did you leave the mis-pronounced shit you said in the special in?

Can you insult me? Like really bad?

The last time i paid for sex was yesterday. blow job. o and a is the least prepared show in the country, the mics go on and we just yap. and patrice said SO many hilarious things, I cannot remember which one to be honest. he made me laugh for 15 years.

When did you decide you were going to be a comedian?

Once i realized Mace would be used on me if i became a rapist.

When did you finally know you had arrived as a comic and would be able to make your living off of it.

I still don't feel I've arrived, but my living came around the age of 28 I think

Jim, your bit on the mentally handicapped inspired me to get onstage, because I figured if someone had actually recorded that, I had a shot at something. Onto the question.

What's the most you've ever paid for a hooker?

The most I've ever paid for a hooker was $1,000, which I only did once, as a treat to myself. it was a woman i was DYING to fuck for years. It was worth it

Are Vos' hands really that atrocious?

yes, the fact his brain is so much worse actually takes attention off them

You ever think about putting some bestiality jokes into your act?

I actually have a beastiality hunk in my new special. I have to end this now, I honestly loved doing it and would do it again. I have been up since 5:30 and am exhausted. And furious I wasted a fucking cross country trip just to be cancelled of Hannity tonight. I hope some of you watch Please Be Offended on Epix or EpixHD.com this Sat night. I enjoyed bullshitting with you very much

Jim - four years ago, on your birthday, when Chubby Checker and that Black Sabbath cover band were on O&A, my girlfriend (who was visiting NYC with me at the time) stripped down to almost nothing and barged in to the XM studio, just so she could get some of your birthday cake, while you guys were still on air. She still claims that was best cake she's ever had, and still loves you to this day.

Thank you! Please send a picture of her to TheRealJimNorton@gmail, I promise not to whack my bag to her

Do you still hate Nic Cage?

ha, no he's grown on me quite a bit actually. i wasn't in studio when he was on o and a but i hear he was great

I saw your act in Dallas, many years ago. I took my religiously minded, conservative sister to see your show. You started talking about how you're were going to commit suicide by hanging yourself and the cops were going to find you with a dildo hanging between your meaty breasts. I've never seen my sister laugh so fucking hard.

Thank you. An oldie but a goodie.