I’m the dating coach at Goodgentleman.com — MMFT, Tedx Speaker, previous eHarmony lead.

Update 3:55pm: Alright all, I did my best! My brain and hands are done for today LOL. I'm going hop off now and will revisit this whenever I can to answer a couple more questions. Thank you for all the great questions! You can find me anywhere at the below links if you want to reach me. Have a great night! :)

I’m back!! Last time was fun and because it’s the month where V-day falls in, I felt inspired to come back on one more time to help some of you with your date ideas or trying to get a date. You can see my old thread here: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/dahvhb/asian_female_dating_coach_who_helps_good_guys/

I’m a dating coach who helps the good-intentioned gentleman get on a date through a customized strategy that doesn't require them to change who they are. My popular nickname is the Modern Day Hitch!...just the Asian female version of him (if you don't know what movie I'm talking about, it's on Netflix now! haha)

I knew my passion since high school and got the experience to help my clients. Despite my Asian parents wishes (that was definitely a fight with constant throw of “what kind of career is that?!”), I followed my passion anyway.

I worked for the matchmaking firm It’s Just Lunch and was the lead matchmaker, trainer, & Coach at eHarmony ’s eH+. I earned a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from USC and a Bachelors degree in Social Work from SDSU. I worked in mental health with couples, realizing many of the couples should not have been together in the first place. So, I decided to make it a goal to help singles find the right person for them.

I use my extensive experience from previous matchmaking firms with a combination of training in marital counseling to provide my clients the best and most effective strategies in finding and keeping long-lasting love. With my positive energy, straight-forward (sorry, no sugar coating) approach, hope, and passion, I value the collaboration with my clients and am always excited to guide my clients on the journey to find lasting love and happiness.

Oh and my parents started accepting my passion (not completely, but a start…:D) when I was selected as the USC commencement speaker, I was incredibly honored and they saw that as proof I can do great if it’s something I’m passionate about. You can check out that commencement here at 05:23 if you’re curious: https://youtu.be/DYaBCHifS8M

Ask me anything about dating, relationships, entrepreneurship, or traditional Asian upbringing (haha yay)!

I want to be answering as many questions as I can. My strategy is to go through questions that would be helpful to everyone, then if I have time, go back for more specific situational questions.

Proof: https://goodgentleman.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/RubyLove88_reddit212020-scaled.jpg

My Website (with free ebook): http://goodgentleman.com

my Tedx Talk: https://youtu.be/4PGoy-spWiA

My Youtube Channel: https://youtube.com/rubyloveadvice

Client video testimonials (yes, that is William Hung from American Idol you see here): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_qHWtRXrPY&list=PLMj-u6GF6zSwX2jqQAGpNvpK11PTLCx_t

if you want to see what I do, I was featured in the episode of Tiny Empires, which features yours truly: youtu.be/ARVnO2LbJlQ

Working at eHarmony, here I am with the CEO you’ve seen on your commercials: https://goodgentleman.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/RubyWarren-240x300.jpg

Featured on USA Network Day interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ7Y5T9v8KQ&list=PLMj-u6GF6zSxQo3NyDygSus2nV7wHwl02

Personal IG if you want to see more of that side of me :D IG: rubylelove

Comments: 1761 • Responses: 52  • Date: 

Cabbageboulin1429 karma

What is the best way to "break up" with someone after:

1-2 dates, A few weeks of dating, A few months of dating?

RubyLove881933 karma

There's never a "good" way to break up as it always will bring out some sort of negative emotion. HOWEVER, it's best to do it as soon as you know it won't work for you because I always say "short term pain for long term gain"

What matters for break ups is to be honest. Even though it may hurt, people will appreciate the honesty. It'll help them overcome it faster, rather than wondering "why?" Let's just keep it real!

To answer specifically:

1-2 dates: A simple straight forward text of "I don't see this working out for us" will do

Few weeks: depending on how serious you dated , a phone call or an in person explanation works. Some have even done text and that works ! You'd just have to gage the relationship so far

Months: An in person meeting explanation of your choice to walk away from the relationship.

RomSteady914 karma

I'm 45 and I've been widowed for 4 1/2 years. When it comes up, things tend to turn south because a lot of people don't know how to deal with someone who is widowed young.

What recommendations would you have for how to communicate this out with potential dates?

RubyLove88931 karma

First, thank you for sharing that personal fact and I'm sorry for your loss. Second, when communicating it's best to communicate and reassure them that they don't need to "handle" or "deal" with you. I assume you've processed this, which is why you're dating again, you're wanting to be honest with the people you date and that is a part of your life, so you want to share. So after you share the fact, it's reassuring you've done your processing, you're okay, and you hope they don't worry.

Most people who may hear that think "omg what do I have to do? Do I handle this differently now?" But...the answer is no. You're a person, like anyone, with their own story. Reassure them of so.

Also, sharing this story or the details of it only when they're someone you've got to know after a series of dates. It allows that strong connection to be there before such a topic as well.

litex2x683 karma

How should conversations on dating apps typically go? I am struggling with this a lot.

RubyLove881186 karma

Find one thing you both connect on and then branch into different topics from there. Then, you look for moments to transition to a date. Transition when conversation is really flying, you feel that high -- don't let that high die. Say you'd want to continue this but "in person". Or, if you're talking about an activity go ahead and say "we should try that together for our meeting! Would you be open to it?"

Example of what I mean a "connection" then branching off.

Both of you like music. You start talking about what kind of music you both like, then you ask "what got you into music?" then it brings up her brother and teaching, so it branches into family, then into careers, etc.

You basically want to build a connection through messaging by getting to know each other for who you really are. getting to know your "whys" not your facts like "i like biking..." -- understand who the person is

SavioVegaGuy628 karma

Have you ever been in a submarine?

RubyLove88418 karma

No I haven't ,I know I'd get sick LOL......and I wouldn't suggest that as a first date idea lOL

Shuckle614625 karma

I commented to you before. Asked about social media and not having it in todays dating scene. You gave some great advice. I started taking pictures of me doing my hobbies/living life. I don't take offense to women asking for social accounts because 9/10 it's a safety check.

Thanks again. And so my post doesn't get removed, how have you been?

RubyLove88327 karma

Aw yay! Thanks for checking out my thread gain and I'm glad the advice helped :)

And haha I've been great, minus getting the sick for a bit but I'm better now :D always continuing to reach goals and grow as a person. Thanks for asking! Hope all is good for you.

queefy5layerburrito475 karma

What are the biggest early indicators people ignore that suggest they won't be compatible long term?

RubyLove88941 karma

This is a great question. Many people look so hard for that chemistry, that high spark, that they ignore finding out the values that person has and if it aligns with theirs. This doesn't mean you have to get into a super serious conversation. It's about how they behave to the waiter, how they talk about life, their friends, family. Do they ignore those topics, brush it off, laugh it off, can't answer a question fully?

I've seen many couples become so shocked later on that they're not compatible, the don't view things the same or share similar lifestyle. This is because they were so caught up with the chemistry and attraction, they didn't focus on that. Though it was actually there all along.

sportsfan987452 karma

What general advice can you give to social anxious guys?

RubyLove88910 karma

To hack your mind with a strategy that helps calm the mind. Our mind is what stops us from doing what we want, it gives us the worries and a narrative that consumes us to the point we don't do anything. When you are able to catch yourself in these moments and calm you mind down, you can do what you want to do. Anxiety comes from worry, thinking about the future or the past. You're NOT in the moment. So bringing yourself to the current moment is KEY in this, then finding a way to tell yourself it'll be fine (calming).

I used to be incredibly socially anxious and what started helping was breathing to ground myself (brings myself to the current moment) and asking myself "whats really the worst that can happen?" and usually it's not that bad, so I get myself to do it is what I wanted to do.

MrIsaac16418 karma

What would you reccomend for a good dating app?

RubyLove88851 karma

Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel are KILLINNNNNG the game right now.

Capsup336 karma

As a male using Tinder and dating apps with some success, I feel like the dating market today is largely dominated by the man having to invest energy and time into meeting and approaching women, however it (almost) never goes the other way. Dating in general drains me of energy because it requires constant attention and effort.

I realize this is a mindset issue and that the dating market will probably not change since women are in such high demand in comparison to men on these apps, but what could one do to change dating into something that isn't draining of energy, but rather feels fulfilling, in terms of mindset?

RubyLove88376 karma

Love this question! Because I see this happening, A LOT. The exhaustion of it all doesn't help in the continuous journey of dating. And dating apps are like dating on high speed compared to back in the day. Women are exhausted in their own ways in regards to dating as well.

Mindset is key to everything. When you're feeling extremely drained, it's okay to step back. Know your limits and boundaries. Step away to breathe even for a couple days could help.

Two mindset practices I tell my clients with this:

  1. Make it fun - because men are the one making the plans or the moves, you can navigate it to do something YOU want to do. So if the date doesn't go well, hey, at least you had your favorite beer you haven't had in awhile! Plan an activity you've always wanted to try, talk about a topic that you thrive off of, eat at a place you've been wanting to try. Make it for you more than for her, change up your environment and your dates.
  2. Reframing - it's only gets more exhausting when you feed yourself thoughts like "ugh, here we go, another date...." or "here we go again...." instead, start reframing those statements to "Alright, let's have fun with this one! Hope it works. If not, at least it'll be fun" or "Another date closer to the one, even if it's not this one" We build our own narrative and stories with a specific experience, it's very possible for us to give it a different narrative. It all starts with how we view things, so change up the perspective and it'll change from there. Like when people say "practice gratitude" -- it helps a lot. Notice what you do have instead of what you don't. Notice you're TEXTING women when some men don't even have that option. And you'll treat more of the moments with gratitude than dread.

That's a long response.....haaha sorry. Hope that helps!

Emsteroo25 karma

Legit question and this may be region specific, but why do you think women are expending less energy when if comes to dating?

RubyLove8847 karma

this definitely isn't the case for everyone as I see a lot of women also struggling with dating and getting exhausted from it. However, for those that are expending less energy, I think they're not wanting to get emotionally involved. Because, for women, when things don't work, when a guy doesn't follow through, it hits him emotionally so deep so they want to stay away from that for as long as they can until they feel sage.

WordsLikeRoses282 karma

What are the best, but also most frugal/cheapest, ways to meet people with a mind beyond casual interactions?

RubyLove88356 karma

Meetup.com is great, pick an interest/activity-based groups. Going to volunteering events, free work out events, exploring local villages or cities in your down, farmers markets, fun games like mini golf, or even bar arcades are fun!

WordsLikeRoses99 karma

I've actually never heard the "explore local villages or cities" as dating advice. As an adventurer, I'm curious about this one.

How can you turn "exploring on your own" into a dating opportunity? I can only imagine it translates down to "find a different bar/cafe," which I've always seen as kind of bad places to meet new partners.

RubyLove88236 karma

Every city has pockets of places filled with little shops, cafes, that local bar, ice cream shops, and more. Even though you've been to it before, it's fun to explore cause shops come in and out and new people are there all the time. You can meet people by asking them questions in these shops, their recommendations, comment on the thing you're looking at and asking for their opinion, etc. I had a client recently comment on a planner in a story to the lady standing next to him and they started talking about that. So, no, Not necessarily bars/cafes.

For dating, it's always fun with someone new because you get to see how that person loves to explore (what does this person pick as a shop to go in? What draws their curiosity?)

Exploration is actually my most recommended first date. Dinners feel too much of an interrogation and you're stuck in one spot for so long. Coffee dates are so casual and still can get boring cause you're stuck in a spot. How about taking that coffee and exploring the area?

sabishi_911269 karma

How can you gauge how attractive you are? And do you think race plays any role?

RubyLove88665 karma

You can usually gauge by putting yourself in an event with new people and see who gravitates towards you and why. Attraction isn't just about looks, it's about the energy you give off and your personality. That shines in a group setting (doesn't have to be big, can even be in a small setting)

Race definitely plays a role. the way people look at me as an Asian female as I walk in the room would be different than a Caucasian woman, it's the reality of the World we live in.

AdriHawthorne200 karma

How does one get started at all? I'm at a weird point where I basically made it all the way out of college without even asking someone on a date. Never been rejected, but never really tried either.

I'm in a different city than my hometown and do little outside of work right now, so I dont have many eligible people I'd meet organically without something like an app or a mixer.

Not sure if now is the time but it's something I've wondered about for a while

RubyLove88175 karma

You simply start by just starting and doing at least one thing that is different. Don't overwhelm yourself, just think "what can I do different now?.."

If you want to do offline, then encourage yourself to attend events surrounded by others, find activities to do it in groups instead of alone, challenge yourself to strike up a conversation with a stranger everyday.

Definitely give online dating a try as well! Just make sure you use the right apps (Hinge or coffee meets bagel) and post the right photos and profile for yourself. Online dating can definitely be a dark place if you don't know how to use it.

You can definitely do one thing that is different. If you want something you've never had, you're going to have to do something you've never done.

MrCrash2U165 karma

Why is ghosting such a big thing now?

How do you help people in all areas of the country? Do you actually help with matching or do you just coach men to do the work?

RubyLove88299 karma

Ahhh ghosting, not a good behavior. It's such a big thing and happens so much because people do not like facing conflict, or face any potential negative emotion or backlash. They don't want to rock the boat. People who ghost would rather have the other person guessing than bring bad news. Quite honestly, I wish everyone knew that being direct, straight-forward, even if it may hurt for a bit does everyone a favor. Short term pain for long term gain! No one likes that time of being in limbo. And if someone is butt hurt over the rejection? They always have the option to simply block, you don't need to fight.

I talk to my clients over the phone and video calls. Though I used to be a matchmaker, I no longer am one. I noticed that even if I put someone in front another person that seems like a great fit, if they don't build a healthy foundation for themselves (confidence, being able to talk about yourself, how to date), it simply won't work. So, I only do date coaching to help men learn how to do it themselves :)

OpasnostLapshoi100 karma

Do you have any advice for (young) women on how to find a kind, moral guy out there? And how to have the courage to ask someone out?

RubyLove88144 karma

Go to places you think the kind of man you want would go to. Get into their shoes a little bit and see what you can come up with. There's more to a man I'm sure you want than just kind and moral. That man has hobbies and interests, so think of those and you can find them there. They also are online dating too. Especially if they're a busy professional who don't prefer to hit on women at the bars. They're selective so they choose online.

Make sure to also express your own values so that quality guy can see it and know you align with those values. And guys who don't align will stay away from you.

And to ask someone out...know, you got nothing to lose! It's better to know an answer than wonder "what if?"

And quite honestly, a lot of quality men love a bold woman who isn't afraid to go after what she wants.

BedKenobi99 karma

Hey there!

Serious question, well for me. I'm thinking about getting back into dating, however I also have a Micropenis.

When in the relationship is it best to let the other person know? It's been a huge deal-breaker for many women before (which I understand).

RubyLove8894 karma

Let them know once you two have built a strong connection and remember to reassure her of all concerns with solutions or alternatives. Instead of letting her sit with the fact and create questions in her head, you can answer it before she even asks. If she's the right person, she will understand and join you like a teammate to figure things out for both parties to understand be happy

magellan31596 karma

What is your opinion about using Bumble and Ok Cupid?

RubyLove88191 karma

OKC is one the few "online dating SITES" I still recommend so I say go for it!

Bumble (online dating APP) is a level up from tinder. It's great for women who want to make the first move instead of being bombarded with messages. However, it's still known as more "looks focused" app. So I don't always recommend it, only for certain clients looking for a specific type.

Beefstewchew96 karma

As someone who is chronically ill at 29. Essential tremor, cyclic vomiting syndrome, a few others but my genetic councilor assures me none of it is can be passed to my future kids.

As a guy who has decided in the last year that being a stay at home father might be the best option, should I put it in my profiles, wait until they seem interested, only tell them when the subject finally comes up?

RubyLove88161 karma

Don't put it in your profile. Bring it up only when you two have a shared strong connection and you're at that stage of really opening up and trying to get to know each other

Domermac89 karma

As a dating coach, do you find yourself overanalyzing your own relationships? Do you find it easy or hard to use your own advice in practice?

RubyLove88127 karma

No, actually. Not overanalyzing, I'm just me with weaknesses I have as a person. And I try my best to work through it as it comes up in my relationship. I separate my job from who I am, it's like when I was a therapist. People ask me the same thing, but I am still Ruby with other facets to myself. I'm not just Ruby, the therapist or the dating coach. I am simply Ruby with all sorts apart of me.

I'm a big believer in practice what you preach. So, how I even got to my relationship, I practiced everything I would tell others. I'm not perfect, I've caught myself not listening to my own advice, but I then course correct. All I can do is continue to better myself in the way I feel that is right for me.

Luckyth13teen82 karma

Married and happy but currently we are both eating healthy and being frugal as fuck, got any date ideas you can help me with that are low to no cost and not food centric (also cold as shit here right now so something that won't cause frostbite)?

RubyLove8885 karma

Pick something you both don't know much about or an indoor interest you both can pick up together. It could be as simple as reading the same book or following the same podcast, filling up puzzles, or Learn something new! Make anything a game ! Unfortunately, if activities are limited to indoors and on a budget, you're going to have to get a little creative -- and that is a game within itself!

Ballistica78 karma

What is your opinion on finding out differences between partners years down the track and how to tackle them? I love my wife and she is my soul mate but we have had the occasional fight over the years where one person disagrees with the decisions of the other, things like what type of school the kids go to etc stuff you don't usually discuss when dating.

RubyLove88160 karma

Come to each decision making moment with the goal to understand each other. Many times in these kind of arguments, you're fighting to get your point across and to state your case. But the argument changes to a discussion when you both have the goal to understand each other. Then, from there, you make a decision that hopefully makes sense to the both of you. And even if it's not what you originally wanted, you don't have resentment because you get her.

Statements like "okay, I'm hearing you say...." helps in this too so you're actually listening and your wife feels heard.

Then, as a couple, always come back "what is our goal?" with whatever topic you're talking about. For example, if you're trying to decide on a school for the kids. Lets say you both have the same goal of wanting the best school for your kids. Okay, so egos aside, trying to understand the both......what will fulfill that goal

Hope this helps! You guys got this :)

TastyDomme51 karma

How do you take sexual compatibility into account?

RubyLove8887 karma

It's VERY important. Both partners would want similar sexual intimacy levels. It would be something discussed whenever that particular couple gets to that point

TooStonedToBeSad43 karma

What can I, as a single dad, do to meet women? Is there a negative stigma to dating a single dad?

RubyLove8850 karma

No stigma! At the end of the day, it's all about HOW you talk about being a single dad. It's not the fact, it's the why that matters to women.

If you're busy with a young child, I suggest to try online dating or join online groups of single parents. Those online groups normally post events too so you can more people! Even if you don't want a single mom as a partner, just by meeting more friends, it opens the door for you to meet more people outside that circle.

You can even try meetup.com to see if there are any good groups there for you as well

queefy5layerburrito42 karma

Do dating and relationships differ between Asian and American cultures? Do you have to adapt your advice at all depending on cultural attitudes?

RubyLove88114 karma

It makes a difference because our culture affects how we are raised, how we see the World, how we believe the World perceives us, and more. I customize every program for every client, so this kind of info helps me understand them more. And I can help them with whatever obstacles they may face.

For example, typically, if were raised in an Asian household, you are taught to always be polite, reserved, and humble. So I understand why my Asian clients have such a hard time talking about themselves, it feels weird to them. I help them break through that because that is a dating obstacle.

If were raised in a Caucasian household, they are encouraged to be themselves, to go after what they want, and it's okay to be expressive. So, those clients already have that going for them. I help them overcome the other obstacles they have in dating.

Of course, this isn't EVERYONE. I'm stating what I averagely see

Devourercoc40 karma

What's ur definition of a "good guy"?

RubyLove88278 karma

If you're talking about the "good gentlemen" i work with, they're simply good-hearted, respectful, good-intentioned gentleman who just don't know how to find love.

In the context of dating, there are three types — the nice guy, the good guy, and the bad boy. 

The nice guy cares TOO much about the girl to the point he caters to her hoping SOMETHING is reciprocated, bending over backward for her with his time, energy, and emotions. He’s too afraid to challenge her because he doesn’t want to cause awkwardness. He’s not as confident in himself, he’s only confident he can cater to someone else and his value is based on that. 

The bad boy is unapologetically himself and will not bend for anyone. He knows what he wants, when he wants it, and isn’t afraid to go after it. Women will lean towards the bad boy because most women will fall for the seemingly confident self — it shows security and stability (because HE’S secure and stable with himself) However, the bad boy is cocky, not confident — inconsiderate, extremely selfish, and only cares for his own needs. He values himself and his accomplishments. 

The good guy is the guy all (quality) women want to be with and the guy men work up to be. The good guy knows who he is, is proud of it, and not afraid to vocalize his thoughts/opinions. He’s, also, considerate, thoughtful, and respectful. He’s open to learning, always wanting to be the best version of himself. He does things because he wants to, but doesn’t expect anything from another. He’s happy with doing what feels right to him. 

Nice guy – “How can I change for you?” Bad boy — “I will never change” Good guy — “How do I want to change to be the partner I want to be?” 

jhustla34 karma

How often do you run into incels? If so, do you have any success stories turning them around?

RubyLove8831 karma

None has labeled or considered themselves incels, but they fall under the definition of one. Yes, I have success stories from them getting into romantic long term relationships. It's all about getting them to take action and overcoming what's been holding them back from finding a partner.

hoerensagen29 karma

Really quick rundown of a complicated situation:

So I met this girl as a friend first some months ago, we liked hanging out around each other, a week ago she confessed her feelings and I felt the same and we spent a magical week together. Now she is leaving for an exchange (we're studying) and I am also currently on exchange and going back to my home country before she will return. So except for one thing we're planning in a short period where we're coincidentally pretty close geographically, I probably will never see her again.

We were both miserable that we had to say goodbye. BUT I could change my future plans a bit to do my master's degree abroad. However, the earliest I'll see her again then is in around one and a half years.

Do you think it's possible we could just be friends and text each other from time to time, and then start a relationship after we're in the same place again? I'm kind of afraid that our feelings might just fizzle out when we don't see each other for so long. But then again we told each other that if this split wasn't happening we would both like to have something serious.

RubyLove8846 karma

Anything is possible, but it takes two people if they want the same goal.

If you're alone in this and the only one trying to keep i tup for one year and a half, then it unfortunately won't work.

See if she's on the same page of wanting to try to be together even though it'll be 1.5 years away. If she yes, make an action plan on how frequently you two would talk, set up "virtual date nights" , etc.

It's been done and very possible, but once again, it takes two.

Skuggasveinn22 karma

What's the number one thing that makes people compatable?

RubyLove8887 karma

The number one compatibility dimension that ALL successful, long term relationships have is....adaptability.

They have a willingness and ability to adapt to every situation, event, scenario that gets thrown their way.....together.

icy_snot20 karma

I have a fetish that I dont like what is the best way to suppress it, so I can better concentrate on more important areas in my life?

RubyLove8852 karma

The best way is to seek an expertise on managing fetishes -- there are some great therapists as well that can help you with this because it is a practice, not something I or anyone else can answer with a "just do this one thing!"

I applaud you for knowing who you want to be, how you want to be, and seeking guidance on how to get there. That is a first step :)

radiocamelloid15 karma

Aside from Meetup.com and dating apps, what’s the best way to meet people?

RubyLove8844 karma

As strange as this may sound, anywhere and everywhere lol Public places that are surrounded by your crowd. I've had my clients meet some of their girlfriends or gets dates from grocery stories, book stores, the mall, coffee shops, farmer markets, dog park, the beach, a gift shop, yoga class, rowing class, cooking class, just about everywhere! Haha

It's about how you approach and use the environment to strike up a conversation

selectivebreed12 karma

Best way for a guy in his early twenties in Canada to meet a girl if he is a shy nerdy boy that doesn’t get out often? Best app?

RubyLove8815 karma

Online dating is the best way since it's easier to handle and especially if you're more slow to warm up to someone. Best apps - Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel. Best site -- OKC

owneironaut10 karma

Statistically speaking, in America Asian men are the least desirable romantic partners for American women. They are rated to be less attractive than other demographics on a aesthetic level despite reaching better than average socioeconomic status.

Why do you think this is?

Do you rate Asian men the same as the greater population?

How can an Asian man find success in dating when they live in a rural area where they have no roots or friends in?

RubyLove8810 karma

yes -- it is a true researched fact. However, it does not mean iT'S EVERYONE. There are still so many relationships out there that are Asian female - Asian male, there's even relationships of Asian male - Caucasian female. Just because you see it wherever you walk, This doesn't mean it's impossible.

Why i think the stats is the way it is? What I have seen is women are extremely attracted to men who are confident, bold, courageous, secure, and unapologetically themselves. Most Caucasian men already have this. They were raised in an open and warm, supportive family, who allowed them to be who they fully are.

Due to our Asian background, some Asian males still err on the side of shy, reserved, and quiet. Growing up from a traditional, strict family that has expectations for them.

Of course, it all depends -- everyone is different. But, that's what I typically start off with when this comes up.

In that scenario, it's really about challenging yourself to get out, do something different, go to different crowds, and make new friends. Easier said than done, I know. But it's also as simple as that. Overcome any resistance or fear in getting out there and just doing it. Make space for yourself in the environment, talk to people, and make the move

uber_neutrino9 karma

I'm just impressed that you managed to win over asian parents. Would you say that them pushing you was a factor in your success even though they were in opposition to this particular career?

RubyLove8817 karma

Haha thanks, don't think I'll ever quite fully win them over but it's definitely a good and better spot to be in :)

Yes, it was a factor. It felt like a fire under my ass because I kept thinking "I BETTER make this work. I HAVE to make this work"

And it's also wanting to prove them wrong that drove me. It doesn't anymore, but that helped me launch everything.

gogozrx9 karma

My ladyfriend went through menopause and has lost all interest in physical intimacy - not just sex, but we now even sleep in separate rooms. I've tried multiple ways to convey my feelings about this, and I'm kind of at wit's end. She doesn't believe in counseling, so that's out... Help?

RubyLove8830 karma

This is quite serious, I agree with u/thedictatorofmrun to suggest seeing a therapist just for yourself. That therapist can help you navigate what your options are, what you want to do, and how to communicate it to her. Best wishes!

allovertheplaces9 karma

My wife and I have no game, but we’d like to make friends. Any suggestions for platonic friendship flirting with strangers?

RubyLove888 karma

Going to events (couples or non couples) like cooking, wine/paint, succulent making, candle making classes are really fun and really interactive. You mix and mingle with a lot of different people without it being awkward.

You can also try meetup.com!

CaptinHavoc7 karma

Money is tight for me, but dates can be expensive! What are cheaper date ideas that are easy on the wallet, but doesn’t make your date feel like you don’t value her?

RubyLove8823 karma

The ideal first date I always suggest is actually low on costs! Exploring the city, a random pocket in your city, exploring a village-like area, anywhere where there are shops and scenic views to explore. It's fun, easy, and she'll love it because you're helping her re-explore, to find something new, in a city you both know. Discovering scenic views is quite romantic!

Also, a nice picnic is cute too :)

NutOnMeDaddy5 karma

What’s the best way to ask out a girl you see at school but don’t know her that well?

RubyLove8810 karma

If you don't really hang out around her crowd, then the honest route (though it's hard) is the way to go "hi, I've been in your class for awhile and wanted to know if you wanted to hang out sometime?"

SniperPoro4 karma

What would you suggest if me and my partner are not sexually compatible? Sex is painful for me. It result in my partner feeling rejected.

RubyLove887 karma

It's about helping your partner truly understand what you're going through and it's not about him/her. If your partner still can't understand that then unfortunately, it's time to find a partner who will understand, not take it personally, and may not want sex as frequently.

kinkyghost4 karma

Short question:

Do you have any advice for someone who is successful at meeting women through online dating and seeing them for a few to several months but has a hard time falling in love?

Long version:

I have these different ideas about how maybe I am not rejecting people early enough or setting my standards high enough in the beginning, but I also have the idea that maybe some part of me is holding out emotionally or something and not letting myself commit or fall in love or something. Like finding some reason why a person is not right for me (although sometimes they might be valid - like different goals for children vs no children or not prioritizing health in the same way).

When I was younger and had less experience it felt like I started to develop feelings for anyone I slept with or dated but now it feels like it's rare for me to get those butterflies or get lost looking in someone's eyes on a first date.

I don't know what to do, if I'm just being shallow or something, but sometimes it seems like when I meet someone for a date or two that I find extremely physically attractive I start to feel those crush feelings but at the same time I don't know if it's worth holding out for that type of situation or if those are just feelings that will only be there in the beginning, whereas girls I've met that I shared a really good sense of humor with are people I would like to be with all the time as a friend even if we weren't romantic.

I just can't figure out what I should prioritize or how to 'fall in love' so I end up in these long hookups that don't lead anywhere.

RubyLove886 karma

I think it's important to be clear with yourself and write down these answers for yourself:

What's your long-term goal? How do you envision that looks like?

What do you want i a woman? List out all the qualities (I suggest 10. I talk about this in my Tedx Talk so that may help too: https://youtu.be/4PGoy-spWiA )

What does love look like to you? How does it feel?

Anything you fear in regards to love?

Do a big self reflection and see if you can pin point an area to work on.

Quite honestly, love is hard to find, it's finding that click with one person. It may not be anything really 'wrong" but just that you haven't found her yet. And that's okay

Just see if you're holding yourself back in anyway due to fear. If not, then this is just a continuous journey of finding love for you.

hamedaf3 karma

How does polyamory factor into your methods or coaching? Monogamy is not for everyone, no?

RubyLove8850 karma

Monogamy is not for everyone. And, I as a coach also am not for everyone. So if someone was interested in polyamory, I would say I do not have the expertise and knowledge to help them and I'm sure there's another coach out there.

mcarrsa3 karma

[deleted]

RubyLove885 karma

Do you mean in anything? Any area in your life? Well, I don't think it's healthy to count your compliments, though it's nice and validating to hear, it's not healthy to add so much value to them.

What matters is how you see yourself and how you compliment yourself. How you see your strengths and value :)

Perotins2 karma

How to escape the friend zone?

RubyLove884 karma

Get yourself out of it. It's a zone that men put themselves in before the girl does because many are already afraid of getting in it before the girl even makes a decision.

I guess one potentially helpful advice with this is that most men who fall into the FZ because they exhibit "nice guy" behaviors

The nice guy cares TOO much about the girl to the point he caters to her hoping SOMETHING is reciprocated, bending over backward for her with his time, energy, and emotions. He’s too afraid to challenge her because he doesn’t want to cause awkwardness. He’s not as confident in himself, he’s only confident he can cater to someone else and his value is based on that. 

so, build yourself to be the "good guy" The good guy is the guy all (quality) women want to be with and the guy men work up to be. The good guy knows who he is, is proud of it, and not afraid to vocalize his thoughts/opinions. He’s, also, considerate, thoughtful, and respectful. He’s open to learning, always wanting to be the best version of himself. He does things because he wants to, but doesn’t expect anything from another. He’s happy with doing what feels right to him. 

mastodon882 karma

What if we just wanna date you?

RubyLove8831 karma

I'm happily in a relationship so that's not possible :)

DrDizzle932 karma

Favorite Nickelback song?

RubyLove8810 karma

the CLASSIC, How you remind me! :)

RushingRocks0 karma

How to deal with an obsessive partner?

RubyLove881 karma

Break up with partner as it could get worse, and cut all ties. As hard as it may be, that kind of partner will only get it done in one way. If it gets worse? Call the cops. Ask for help.

Beezus145-11 karma

Even after helping all these ‘good guys’ how come you are STILL single?

RubyLove887 karma

Still? But I'm not haha I'm currently living with my boyfriend and he's right next to me, I'm sure I'm not single LOL!