IAmA podcaster who spent the last 5 years interviewing my exes about why we didn’t work out. Today’s my podiversary. AMA!

Was it harder meeting and dating women that was aware of your podcast?

Oh god, good question. My Bumble bio says, "I do a sex podcast. Less of a brag, more of a disclaimer."

The podcast provides both advantages and disadvantages for meeting women. On the one hand, it definitely prevents certain people from dating a guy who will talk about it on the internet. Though that's true for a lot of creators and artists—Taylor Swift is the best example!

But it also allows me to filter out women who would never be a fit for me. I'm nonmonogamous. I'm sex-positive (and need to date someone who is, too). I like raunchy humor. Having that out there has saved me (and another person) from a lot of first dates that would have gone nowhere.

Also, it definitely attracts people either in my DMs or who think it's awesome that I'm open sexually. When you're honest about who you are, you'll find a lot more people will be honest to you about who they are.

Is it not worrying that if you find love you'll be out of a job?

Why would I be out of a job? I'd still be talking about sex, dating, and love with a lot of kickass people. There're still fun stories to reminisce upon and lessons to learn from past partners. Two romantic relationships have started and ended during the podcast.

I've been asked this question a lot but I never thought, "Oh, if I get a girlfriend it's all over." I guess people think my girlfriend wouldn't want me to talk to my exes. But I would never wanna date someone who was intimidated by that.

I’d think the reasoning is that you would run out of exes. Meaning that while your podcast would not immediately end, the original premise would no longer be possible.

Edit to clarify: I don’t believe the original commenter realize you are nonmon, and assumed that your sexual escapades would cease when you found “the one”.

But what I’m saying is: even if I became monogamous, there are enough that have not been on to fuel years of just that premise. It’s not about running out of partners but running out of partners who say yes.

Who would be your dream guest? Would it be somebody you dated or had a thing with (who's said no to the podcast or you can't contact) Or somebody in the public eye such as a porn star. Curious to know if you've got that one big, never gonna happen guest?!?

Someone I dated: my first kiss or my ex-girlfriend of nearly 2 years. One I have so many questions for. The other would probably break me.

Public Person: Dan Savage, Kevin Smith, Susan Sarandon (aka BAE)

Never Gonna Happen: Barack Obama, cuz we all wanna know about the first time he fucked in the Oval Office.

Dan Savage is great. He brought us the words pegging and santorum.

did he coin pegging? i can't imagine he did.

He was talking about the woman's-dildo-in-a-straight-man's-ass thing and asked his readers to submit names for it. Someone suggested pegging and he reluctantly picked that even though he had an aunt named Peg.

Wow. Who would have thought I'd learn something new during my own AMA?!

What episode are you most proud of?

From an editing stand-point, I think the Desire Ep. 232 because of how many moving parts were involved and how much raw audio I was working with. Also because there was initial tech concerns I didn't factor in, so that I ended up with usable audio was amazing. I don't usually do a lot of editing down, let alone put together a magazine-style episode.

At Desire Resorts (a couples only, clothing optional Mexican resort), I was flown down by the resort to record an episode. I found a couple to fuck in my beachfront suite while my date and our neighbors sat outside the sliding glass door...doing commentary. It's the closest I'll ever get to being an NFL commentator, sadly.

But since everyone at the resort knew what was happening (because the resort helped me recruit and publicize needing volunteers), people wanted to watch. So folks would come by our suite and watch with us, and it just ended up being this fun roundtable discussion about swinging, boners, and love. I also intercut it with interviews with various couples I recorded the next day asking them about their relationship model and what a place like Desire means for them.

It all came together super nicely, but it was a lot of fucking time and work. Was almost worried it wouldn't come together!

it was a lot of fucking time

phrasing!

yes. I was being as accurate as possible ;)

As a budding podcaster myself, doing it full time is the dream! You have managed to do this. How did you make it happen? Any advice to podcasters who want their podcast to be successful? Love ya, keep up the awesome work and congrats on 5 years! - Sarah

Keep making a dope show, first and foremost. Make something people can't hear elsewhere—there's no straight guy on the internet doing something like this in this way. Most straight guys doing sex shows are pick-up artists or trying to teach you how to get laid. And I'm not trying to teach anyone anything.

I think one of the most valuable things I do is I connect with my listeners. Forming bonds with your audience gets them emotionally invested in you as a person—in a way, I am a character to people who are tuning in each week to see how I fucked up next or what wild story happened. Like, I mail physical thank you notes to my Patreon members of a certain tier. I write marginalia notes for them—for those I've gotten to know, I'm writing super personalized notes. I sign it. I arrive in their mail box every month. Some patrons I've been mailing for years and basically memorized their addresses.

I answer basically every email, every DM, and respond to comments/tweets where there's something to say. And that gets people emotionally connected to me—not just subscribed on a podcast app.

You hook those fans, they're yours for a longgggg time. (and i'm sorry to say 'hook 'em' like it's some kind of scam, but I feel hooked to a lot of my listeners too).

Hey I listen to your podcast! I know you've said in the past that people would hook up with you but not date you, and now you've moved to being a bit more with nonmonogamous labels. Do you think your nonmono nature was showing beforehand and that's why no one wanted to date you as much?

I've been nonmonogamous since before I knew the term nonmonogamous. Before I ever read The Ethical Slut in 2013, I would tell women I met this weird tank analogy. Just the concept of why do I have to take 'love' out of one tank to put in another woman's? Love is not a finite resource.

So that was always there and I knew the relationship(s) I would be in would never be a standard monogamous relationship like many of our parents presented.

I think that put off some partners romantically. I think others didn't understand the concept and thought that meant I was just a fuckboi using ENM language to get laid. It helped that the more I learned, the better I was able to explain how I felt. And it also helped that ethical nonmonogamy is entering the mainstream media more and more.

At least when I say that now, people usually know what I'm talking about. And like the question before about if the podcast helps or hurts dating, I think being nonmonogamous just acts as an awesome filtration system. I may get less hits, but the hits I get will be closer to a good fit because that's one less thing to 'disclose' or negotiate.

Which episode was the hardest emotionally to get through?

The episode I put out 2 weeks ago with my ex-girlfriend was the most difficult episode I've ever produced—emotionally. They reached out to me out of the blue (they use they/them pronouns) and asked to do the show to promote a project of theirs. So I was nervous for a few weeks leading up to it. Then doing it left me in tears when they closed the door to leave. And then it must have taken me four different attempts to sit down and listen to it (i usually only need to listen once).

This show, for me, is the definition of emotional labor. It's not always a rosey picture. It's not always fun sex stories. Sometimes it really feels like I'm tearing myself open and exposing the bad AND the good.

Honestly, it may be a little bit before I reach out to an emotionally significant ex-partner because of how difficult that was.

So many sexual partners as to allow you to live off interviewing them?

Look, a lot of people make mistakes. Sometimes that mistake is sleeping with me.

What was your original inspiration for starting your podcast? Did you ever imagine it would grow into what it is today?

I had this problem where women would sleep with me, but they wouldn't date me. Granted, I was only 24 when I started the podcast, but for five straight years whenever I wanted to 'get serious,' the woman always told me she wanted to 'keep it casual.' I always thought it was a weird gender role reversal I was stuck in (i've since learned i'm far from the only straight guy who's experienced this).

​

I went on two electric holy-shit-we-both-think-this-is-crazy dates with this one woman, we'll her S. Finally someone not afraid of dating, attractive, funny (i love funny women), and someone who acknowledged that the connection was as strong as I thought it was. I told my therapist about S and said, "If this one doesn't work out, I'll do that fucking podcast I've alluded to a lot."

​

Two weeks later, she went upstate for Thanksgiving and ran into her ex-boyfriend. I got a call saying they're going to try to make it work again. In therapy, I tell my shrink and her first words were, "So you're going to do that podcast?"

​

Fuck. And here I am 5 years later!

Please tell us more about your process for recruitment of guests, particularly your former partners.

On your giant relationship spreadsheet, how many holdouts are left?

And finally, how much editing is required to make a cohesive 40 minute interview?

1. For past partners, it depends on the person. In the earlier days before anyone knew I was doing a podcast, I would text the ones I was still close to and email the ones I'd been out of touch with. I had a whole pitch that included anonymity and boundaries and whatever I felt like would convince that person. These days, a lot of women I hooked up with or dated with the podcast or they at least are aware of it, so I don't have to explain it all.
2. ~100 either have declined or not answered me. Then there's like another 50-70 I haven't formally asked or have agreed but we're waiting to be in the same zip code. And there's a cluster of folks who will never be on the podcast because I don't know who they are or how to reach them. Those are usually Craigslist and Reddit encounters where everything was done through a craigslist proxy email address, no phone numbers, or Kik handles that have since gone ghost. I wouldn't be able to track those ones through various methods if I tried.
3. Ideally, the conversation is so good I don't have to edit much at all. For a one-hour conversation that only requires one listen (on reconstruction or whatever), it'll take about 3 hours—not including the actual interview. Call it an 1.25x to listen (going back to write down quotes or if i zone out and need to relisten to a few minutes), some time to make the promo graphic and write show notes, recording and editing my intro or any ads, letting Auphonic do its magic on the file, and uploading.

So at least 150 who haven't/won't be on plus 5 years worth of content? Shit, this makes me feel slightly inadequate with only 5ish GFs and one sexual partner, now wife.

It's not a competition!

Are there any guests who you do not want to ever come back on the show again?

Come back? A few. There are even more who just don't want to do it a first time. It's a tough pitch haha

I'm curious about the porno. What was your experience with that? Was it professionally done or more of a home movie type deal?

Sara Jay did something called Team BJ in like 2012. She said if the Miami heat won the NBA Championship, she'd blow all her Twitter followers [who got tested, flew themselves to where she was shooting it, and agreed to be on camera unpaid.] A couple years later, I saw a news story the morning of the World Cup Final match when Germany won.

Her and a now-retired star Siri picked 4 teams at the beginning of the tournament. If one of them won it all, they'd blow their followers again (same conditions). Well, I reached out to her handler to say I'd love to interview her on the podcast next time she's in NYC because that's super cool marketing (you had to follow them both before the final match).

She said sure. Then Germany won. And I was like, well, I guess I'm doing Team BJ!

I flew to Las Vegas months later when it finally went down. We did a spot trade: I do your porno, you do my podcast. It was professionally done with a small crew, as much of porn gets shot in these days. There were about 15-18 of us. I at 25 was the only one with group sex experience before.

It was super cool because EVERYONE there was a fan boy of either Sara or Siri. I didn't know either of them before this, but then again, I usually didn't make it to the end credits to read the names. The shoot was so fucking fun! We were sitting back and watching the other guys go, cheering each other on, and when the final dude came after many tries and lots of difficult, we all fucking cheered with a male camaraderie I'd only seen on sports teams.

Personally, I got blown by Siri because she had the 'girl next door' look and, after watching them both suck off some guys, she was giving the blowjob that I might get from a chick at the bar. Sara Jay—a true talent—was giving a porn star blowjob. I don't really enjoy girls gagging on my cock (I like some suction!), so when I was in line, I just stepped in front of Siri.

The next day Sara did the podcast (i think it's episode 22). She's great and I enjoy seeing her at AVN when I go.

I wish you could get Siri on the show! I'd love to hear her side of things.

I reached out to her a few times, both before and after her retirement. She's written a lot of awesome articles about paying for your porn, but she wasn't interested in doing much more. Especially as she bowed out of public life.

[deleted]

Peanut butter sandwich with chocolate chips. Don't @ me.

The question was favourite "sandwich man", which I think means something different.

ooo in which case, the dude with missing teeth who does grilled cheeses at the NYU Third North dining hall.

5 years?! If I interviewed all my exes, it would take MAYBE 5 hours.

I mean, S-Town podcast was just one season. Can still be great!

Hi Billy, long time listener. You've helped me with getting over much of the sexually related shame I had in my life. Is there any sex related shame that you still interalize or have you reached sex nirvana?

I still have trouble believing that my body—without the blue eyes or the humor or the personality or whatever else—can be sexy to someone. That's still really fucking hard.

Which was your favorite interview on your podcast and why?

Nina Hartley (Ep. 124) because she made out with me at the end. Happy Ending Massage episode (ep. 156) is a close second because, I mean, I came on mic. That's pretty cool.

bruh i havent heard of you but like, what

bruh you should go hear of me ;)

Alright hit me up with your favorite episode ever and ill give it a listen, my commute podcast is in need of a change!

What're you into? I'll hand pick the best episode for you!

Episodes where:

Maybe you have revelations about past relationships and what went wrong?

Emotional self-sabotage?

Or just a hilarious one about sex tbh

Heavy episode: Live from Los Angeles (Ep. 241)

Hilarious: The Happy Ending Massage Episode (Ep. 157) will always be a favorite of mine. More recently? Ep. 253 with Mandii B from WHOREible Decisions podcast

Cheers man. I’ll update this tomorrow morning once I’ve listened.

I look forward to hearing what you think :)

Reddit ganbang

Let's not bury the lede here... Are these as awkward as I imagine?

It's only awkward when he's got a Snoo tattoo on his ass. You can't unsee that.

What the most important factor that you believe helps you to hook up or find girls to hook up with?

Be transparent. Don't be entitled. Be genuinely into her pleasure—not into her pleasure for your own ego boost.

Prime example: so many guys will be nervous to send a picture when answering a personals ad on Reddit. Hey, your comfort level is your comfort level. But when I respond to ads, it's from my real username. I link them to my social media. I'm instantly a real person and not a potentially scary murdering rapist. Because that's a huge and valid fear. If you act cagey about sending a g-rated photo, you'll likely get a cagey and nervous response if you get a response at all!

Billy: I’m a big fan of everything you’ve done with the podcast (except the title, but it’s too late now). I often wonder about the percentage of your relationship misses that can be accounted for with matters of personality, that is, encounters where initial attraction fizzled and could never work out, versus matters of timing, where who the people were at the point in time. Is there another category? And does your nonmonogamist orientation potentially make that a non issue?

Like how many relationships didn't work out because of my personality? Most? I am NOT easy to date!

I did find out through these conversations that timing was certainly a factor for a chunk of the women I was super into. They just got out of a relationship; they're about to move for grad school; they were just visiting NYC; they were dating a few guys and happened to get monogamous with the other one.

But I'm also a jerk. So. There's that.

How many viewers was you getting in the first 10 ,15 episodes?

Oh god, not many! Maybe dozens! It wasn't until I had my first porn star on the show, Sara Jay, that I had a couple hundred downloads for an episode (which still isn't much). It's really a slow, slow build towards anything mildly significant.

But that's good because I got to get much better at podcasting and interviewing. I used to be nervous which episode someone would start with when telling them about the podcast. Now? You can look at any recent episode and I'm confident that it's entertaining, interesting, or emotionally compelling.

When will Lizzo be on the pod?

I'm in talks with her people. Her people aren't in talks with me, but I'm talking!

You say you set out to do this podcast because you wanted to find love and start by working backwards from your mistakes. 5 years on are you married or in a continuous long term relationship yet and if not why do you think your podcast experiment has failed and why would anyone continue listening?

Thanks for the question Pismine! I think your Q is inherently flawed, so I'll try to answer this as best I can.

I am not currently in a serious romantic relationship. Right now, I'm not sure I have the emotional bandwidth for one with everything I'm working on at the moment + getting my body/libido right again. Just had a talk yesterday with someone I'm seeing to check in and tell her where I'm at and what my intentions currently are.

I've had two girlfriends during the course of this podcast. Both ended, but that hardly means the show (or the relationships) are failures. As Dan Savage says, all relationships end: you break up or someone dies. Those relationships ended for a slew of reasons with plenty of mutual blame to go around. What I try to do is figure out what my parts were and learn from them for next time should I run into a similar situation. Because obviously, what works with one person doesn't always work with another.

A couple weeks ago I released an emotionally painful episode with an ex, Shay. I dated them from Nov. 2017-Feb. 2018. We discussed parts of the relationship we could have done better. I left the interview pretty raw.

So 5 years in, I'm not married (who said I want to be married?). I'm single. And my podcast errrrr 'experiment' is still in full swing because I'm 29-years-old and still have plenty to learn both about myself and about dating

Why would anyone continue to listen? It's a pretty good fucking show. If I'm being perfectly honest.

Thanks for answering, I took your description and came to a logical question. If your goal was to work backwards to discover your faults and find a long term relationship; that is to say, to learn from your mistakes and grow as a person; one would think you should have achieved that now.

Those mistakes will undoubtedly contain similar underlying themes such as lack of communication, transparency, support, etc. meaning these become skills you start to develop.

While it is understandable that having those skills doesn't mean you won't make future mistakes, nor guarantee a relationship won't fail it does mean you are dramatically less likely to allow a mistake to not be addressed and solved early so that it doesn't lead to resentment.

You've now changed things say you aren't even looking for a full time relationship anymore which according to you is the whole pretext of the show. So what makes your podcast worth listening to? Telling me you think it's great isn't an answer. You're here to sell your podcast, so sell it. Why should we listen to you cry or have awkward conversations after 5 years and nothing to show for it?

And a follow up question, are you seeing your original core audience fall off now that you aren't looking for love anymore?

It was one goal: ask them. The others were to 1) talk about topics I'm passionate about like sexuality, LGBTQ rights, and gender; 2) begin building a fan base for my stand-up. I'm not a headliner, but when I am, it'd be nice to sell a few extra tickets.

As to why to listen to it? I mean, I don't have to tell you it's great. A bunch of people in this thread said it themselves.

As to your final question: no. Because I'm still have interesting conversations about sex, dating, love, and butt stuff.

Lol, how many exes do you have that it took you 5 years to interview them all?

this many

If you could go back in time 5 years, to this date, knowing what you know now, would you do anything different in regards to the podcast?

I'd interrupt the guest so much less!!!

Do you have a dream guest who you haven’t had on the show yet?

Just answered but I'll add to that: Rachel Bloom. I think Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is absolutely brilliant and I shame myself for sleeping on it. Would love to know about how that show developed and her experiences that led to it.

How many episodes in did you do til you started your patreon?

I launched the podcast in March 2015 when I was averaging about 1,000 downloads per episode. I figured with that as a starting base, I could get some early traction worth a damn. I wouldn't make that decision based on how long I'm doing it—I'd base it on when I think enough people would give it a proper launch.

Have you ever been into a dead bedroom relationship? and if so how did u overcome that?

Since I haven't cohabitated, I don't think it'd be fair to call anything for me a dead bedroom. But I do go through periods of low libido (I'm sort of in one now?). That's usually tied directly to my diet and weight. I struggle with body image and have for a long time (if you Google 'manorexic', that's me hiiiiii). When I feel full or fat, it's hard for me to feel sexy. If I don't feel sexy, I usually don't wanna fuck—however, I still stay in a service mood so I can, say, enthusiastically go down on someone during my low libido phases.

This can really suck as a man because we're expected to want to fuck all the time (even when I'm super horny, I don't wanna fuck just anyone who says yes). So a lot of women can mistakenly take it personally, think it's about them. But it's not.

What's even worse is we don't talk about it because for some reason, to not be horny and hard all the time makes you less of a man or something. So we don't even get that outlet to share this emotion for fear of ridicule. It sucks.

So for me there haven't really been dead bedrooms, just low libido on my end at times. And I get through it by communicating to my partner what's going on, not closing myself off, and finding how we can still be physically intimate.

5 years worth of material? You either had a lot of Exes or are a really shitty boyfriend.

por que no los dos?

Huge fan of yours. I consider myself to be in a weird partially closeted fan zone- I tell all my friends about the podcast and how much I love it, but can’t help but think you’d find me and my partner to be super lame and would be somewhat disappointed we aren’t as cool as I imagine most of your listeners are.

My question is: do you ever worry about your essence being diluted if the podcast gets too popular or even sharing too much of yourself with others?

Don’t worry- I’m not a Trump supporter, just very midwestern, math nerdy, mainstream style, corporate. I’ll be at your Chicago show- cannot wait. Thank you for opening up my eyes to ideas I never considered. You are the best!

I doubt I'd find you and your partner lame! I'm not a fan of vanilla-shaming :)

I mean, if I got 'too popular,' that would be a fantastic problem to have—quick! Redditors reading this, go subscribe to my podcast so I can have this problem!

My stand-up always involved sharing myself with strangers on stage. So this didn't feel too far removed from that. I don't think I am talented enough to hold too much back and still be interesting, so I just professionally overshare.

That concern plays itself out more within a serious relationship, but at some point with my last two exes there was a 'podcast talk.' We'd discuss what can be said on air and off. I made a minor slip up early early in my first adult relationship, but otherwise am pretty damn good about it. Until that talk happens, a partner is usually referred to by a letter or a pet name. Within those, I'm going to ask about if I can post certain pictures or when I'm cleared to tag them in something. But for myself? Eh.

I think transparency is an asset in entertainment as more and more people want to know about their favorite actor or singer when the cameras are 'off.' And I think it allows for emotional bonds to form with an audience.

How do you handle the time management of having multiple partners?

I have a big ass white board calendar in my bedroom that's color-coded. I love Expo markes!!!

As we know you’re a promoter and user of r4r subreddits, and also a public persona, how do you deal with various identities? One “dirty” username? Various targeted accounts? Throwaways? How long do you maintain an identity.

What various identities? It's all Billy, baby! :)

I just love ya bro and want you to keep up the hood work. Besides your original podcast will you be starting any new ones in the future?

Your username is fantastic and you should honestly try to trademark that.

I have one in mind, but I'd need to be getting paid for it. So I'm hoping to pitch one to a network at some point. Probably gonna try to do a proof of concept episode if I can get a big enough comedian to guest. Been loving the idea for a couple of years, but it's just an idea for now.

Billy. I heard on a recent podcast that you wouldn't try urethral sounding. I urge you to reconsider, I was reluctant at first but sounding has saved my marriage and I can't get enough.

What other kinks are off limits for you?

Still a hard pass.

Other hard passes: shit, blood, piercing my dick, beating the shit out of me, humiliation, shaving my head bald, regularly licking feet, cock cages, the one where someone wears one of those expensive puppy play masks, and monogamy.

Monogamy is such a weird kink.

I'd say 'vore' but there was a really hot blonde on Tinder once who I was willing to let cover me in butter...

You mentioned in another post answer your loyal supporters are like a cult following and support you to do this full time. I have only had the experience on the other side being part of what many call a religious cult. If I wanted to start my own cult what skills do you recommend I need to master to be an effective cult leader?

Make sure you change the batteries in the recorder before you start so you don't look like a fucking amateur mid-interviewing, I mean, cult leading.

Oh man, this is a good time in my life to become aware of this.

I have some nasty trust issues, a lot of them sexual, and as a result I have a tendency to be really jealous in and after relationships. In my head, it doesn't make sense to put sexual expression in a box (be it monogamy or vanilla or whatever) but when I'm confronted with the realities of someone sharing this special thing that was intimate and ours and means so much to me with someone else, I get real emotional, just this horrible sick feeling, like the world is ending. Nowadays I am so afraid of that feeling that I don't even give physical intimacy and letting people in a chance. The after effects of a really religious upbringing, I guess, but I've left that life behind and I still feel it, like it's a fact of my biology. I feel so repressed and ashamed.

Did you at any point ever feel like that? Are you able to relate at all now? I really think that the way you do things is probably more "right" but I can't get my stupid mind into gear.

I can't relate to that kind of jealousy because I never thought of sex as 'ours.' If I was jealous sexually, it usually had to do with not having 'as good a body' (whatever the fuck that means) as that other guy or girl.

But I can relate to jealousy and when I am feeling that, I remember that jealousy is a secondary emotion (like anger). So then I ask myself, "Why am I jealous? What am I feeling?" Am I feeling scared I'll be left? Inadequate because I don't like myself? Am i feeling fat today and this is more about my self-consciousness than her fucking that person at the party?

Not that I'm a professional to give advice, but for me, when I start the jealousy by tracking down the underlying emotion, it's really helped me cope. Then I can talk about that emotion with the partner or, ideally, with a trusted friend so that I don't blow up my person's fun sexy times.

What is your favorite color?

Blue!

I imagine as an artist, you are probably your own biggest critic. What has been your favorite episode as you look back over the past five years?

Some of the novelty episodes that took a lot of extra editing and planning are some of the most fun shows TBH. The Oral Sex Auditions (Ep. 180) is super fun!

My friend 'Roxanne' was super sexually frustrated and would complain about guys with low sexual IQ. "I can't get laid!" (which, of course, means 'I can't get a guy who's good at sex to have sex with me')

So I figured we would hold auditions :) I arranged five men to come over at different times to 'audition' for the role of Having Sex With My Friend. They came by, did a pre-interview, then went in for 12 minutes to prove their worth using tongues and fingers only—penis stays in the pants!

Afterwards we'd do a post game interview (some a little sweaty like LeBron after a big game), send them on their way, and then she would tell us how it really went. Yes it's a bit raunchy, but there's also a genuine conversation about female pleasure. Super fun episode to record. Also proud of how all the moving pieces came together!

Any guest you had on that you instantly regretted?

Let's just say she used to be the most popular woman on OK Cupid...

Longtime listener and just off work. If you are still around editing and working:

I recall you mentioned you were shocked you had a listener in Kuwait. At least I think it was you. If not oops wrong sex positive podcaster.

Where is a place you are shocked you have a sizable following? 1. USA location 1.b north America location if worth mentioning. 2. International location?

Oh. It was me!

1. There's no unusual bump in my domestic downloads. Everything's pretty much where they're supposed to be in proportion to each other. It's not like I have a ton of people in Iowa. I was shocked to learn how into podcasts Canadians are until a ton of my Patreon supporters turned out to be neighbors to the north!

2. I wouldn't say there's 'following' in these smaller countries. It's just you'll see a few hundreds downloads, which makes it feel like it's just one guy in that country who's a superfan. Internationally, I was surprised by the amount of Australian listener engagement I would get! I've got a good chunk of Aussies supporting me on Patreon and it's my number 3 country in downloads behind the US and Canada.

How did you get your start in podcasting? As in, how did you launch the podcast and build your following? I know it’s a super broad question, but I’ve always been curious about how one goes about growing a podcast organically without a following from elsewhere. I’d imagine there’s a lot of promotional / advertising legwork you have to do.

Most of the spikes I’ve gotten have been from appearing on bigger podcasts and crushing it on them (if you’re not great on that show, why would they coke check out yours?) and some press.

My title also has ‘sex-positive’ in it so I do show right up if you search ‘sex-positive podcasts’ in a lot of apps. And if you google that, a listicle comes up and I’m in that too.

So it’s being consistent, press, and having a dope show when people come to check it out. Cuz if what you’re promoting isn’t good, they’re not gonna stick around.

Do you believe non monogamous is an orientation?

That's a really tricky question. I'm not sure what I believe yet because I guess I'd need a firmer definition from higher up for 'sexual orientation.' Some would argue that humans are inherently oriented towards nonmonogamy, but that monogamy is something we socialized ourselves to want.

I know that I would not be happy being monogamous. That doesn't mean a relationship with me needs to be a free-for-all, but I've known since before I knew that was a word that that's what spoke to me.

Not trying to troll honest question here - do you feel worse about visiting happy ending massage parlors now that more has come out about how many of them are forced into sex trafficking?

Otherwise glad to see your pod is still going! I listened in the beginning since around the guys we fucked episode :)

Define 'many.' The anti-sex worker sentiment surrounding sex trafficking is pretty ridiculous. I personally prefer independents when it comes to massage. Better quality, I know she's working for herself, and the conversation is usually better.

I mean obviously the data isn’t super available but there’s been a lot of reporting about it I’ve been reading lately. Here’s a recent one: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/02/us/massage-parlors-human-trafficking.html

And what exactly do you mean by independent? I feel like those would be much more likely to be shady lol. And it’s not like the women are going to act like they’d rather be doing other things for money if given the choice / coerced to staying for whatever reason.

I only bring it up because I don’t think people realize the harm in frequenting these places does. Even if you happen to not go to one that is ethical, you’re still putting the demand out there. Anyway I wish it could be different and if it were legalized which I think it should be then maybe more ethical practices could happen and I think it would be super hot. Just not the reality a lot of time :/.

Anyway everything else with your pod I enjoyed!

You're talking about the Nordic model thinking: this is a bad thing, so we'll end it by ending demand.

But there is so much more consensual sex work happening than trafficking. And not all AMPs (asian massage parlors) are trafficking.

Trafficking is terrible and it's something the government can go after...without attacking consensual sex work.

Billy, why won't you just eat some damn vegetables?

Because they're gross and icky and they take a million bites to finally swallow.

Besides on Twitter and Facebook, how else do you market and advertise your podcast?

I don't even think social media provides me that much marketing—although my old Instagram got me new listeners cuz people were actually discovering me through explore and hashtags and shit. The main way I get new listeners is when I have on big guests/guests with fans of the same psychographic OR when I'm on another sex podcast—and I'm great on it.

If you go on other shows and you're lame on it, or if your show isn't 'presentable' yet, it doesn't matter how many people see it. When they show up, if it's not great, they won't stick around and wait for you to get awesome.

Would you consider yourself a sex addict?

No. But i've certainly thought it through. I'm a gambling addict and the 'buzz'/release I get with that is not the same as sex. That doesn't mean I haven't made unhealthy sexual decisions, but I don't believe that I am addicted to sex, no.

Life must be interesting when your exes are recurring guests of your podcast, right?

But real question, how you got your podcast to explode in popularity? Asking for a friend who wants to start out in the podcast / radio show business. :)

For starters, trying to get an explosively popular Reddit AMA ;)

Honestly, I overperform for my size. I should not be able to pay my rent with this podcast for the size it's at. But I hustle super hard and I've created such an emotional bond with my listeners that I've been able to cultivate an amazing community on Patreon. I don't have Guys We Fucked numbers, but I'm pretty stoked this is a job.

The biggest spikes in downloads resulted from being a guest on other popular podcasts in the sex/dating world. And when I was a guest on those shows, the spikes came when I crushed it. If you're on a show and you're lame, no one wants to come over and listen (I was lame on Legion of Skanks and got zero bump...why would I?). Press also helps—being in Esquire's SnapStory as a Top 10 Sex Podcast was definitely a boost and I get told a couple years later that people are still finding me from that.

But most importantly, as I said in a different answer on here, I do my best to consistently produce a high quality podcast. All the promotion in the world doesn't matter if they show up to your show and it sucks.

What’s something that you’re doing differently in relationships now compared to five years ago?

Gosh. This is going to feel icky since my last two (only two?) adult relationships ended horridly. So I have not had a ton of opportunity to show improvement in a new romantic relationship.

Picking my battles, listening more, and communicating clearly are practices I'm actively working on and do believe I've gotten better at in my less-serious relationships. I don't purport to be great at dating, but I am trying to be a better boyfriend or partner or fuckbuddy.

Im still going back and forth with your older episodes and newer ones, but did you ever want to record one just by yourself talking about a specific topic?

Nah. I don't think I'm that great by myself unless I'm doing stand-up.

How many partners have you had?

Did you always use protection for oral and the normal love making ways?

What kind of partner? PIV or just all hook-ups (i count making out as hooking up)?

PIV! 🙂

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Thanks for doing the AMA! I love your answers and specifically how honest you are generally! ❤️

Thank you! This is super fun (and I’m an attention whore) so I’ll be here all night! And I hope you keep enjoying the podcast!

When does the RomCom come out?

1. In talks to have Kumail Nanjiani play me.

Are you really a manwhore? Or is this title to make you feel good about yourself?

This title was something women would 'jokingly' call me, a manwhore. Probably because I'd had a lot of Craigslisty encounters and spoke openly about sex. Maybe because I'm not into monogamy. But it was a term used to almost subconsciously validate fucking me—but not dating me. And that happened over and over with women I really wanted to have a relationship. I thought using/claiming it as the title would have some poeticism to my situation at the time: a manwhore with a heart of gold.

I think you were trying to throw some shade, but honey, you don't know me.

Did you know when you made the podcast that whore is a slur?

At the time? No. I just knew it was something women would call me and I knew I didn't like it.

I assumed. I was interested since you seem pretty informed on issues that sex workers face, but you have a slur specifically used against us in your name.

Not all people agree that 'manwhore' is a slur. And not all sex workers agree it's the n-word for sex workers (as evidenced by the sheer number of sex workers on the show and we've also talked about it). But you're welcome to that opinion. I won't try to change how you feel about the word 'whore' (or words containing the letters that make up 'whore').

I will challenge you, though: Do you take issue with Susie's Whorecast?

If not, then ask yourself, 'Why'd I jump to not liking his title even though I'm fine with hers?' I think you'll find it's cuz I'm....a man. And I get it: I look like the enemy. But then your issue isn't with the word, but how it's used and the intentions of the user.

Because you didn't ask me, "Excuse you: Have you done sex work?" You just jumped to 'it's a slur' even though someone else you maybe support (guessing) has that word in her title.

Whatever the case, we can at least agree: Fuck SESTA. Fuck FOSTA.

Edit: and if you're not chill about Whorecast's title, then my apologies for also assuming

Is Susy a sex worker? If so, I don't care if she reclaims the slur.

Gotcha. That's at least fair and consistent—I'm sorry for assuming you automatically knew who she was. (yes, she is)

However, you didn't afford me a similar courtesy. Because again: your issue is with the usage, not the word itself. So you didn't ask me if I am a sex worker or have done sex work.

And I don't think that's very fair.

(i also am on board with a lot of my SW friends who don't think it's a word that should be uttered, but I'm not going to try to change your mind on that. you're welcome to your opinion)

Have you been a sex worker? You're dancing around that as your argument, but honestly most of us aren't comfy with men using it at all, since it's typically a feminized slur. You seem to really want me to ask you though.

As for your experience with people who don't care; cool? I know Black people who don't care if white people use the N word, but I'd still be acting in bad faith to only listen to the voices that are convenient instead of just using less harmful language.

Anyhow, it was just a question. No need to get so defensive.

Well, you never asked. But now, several comments in, I don't believe I owe you an answer to that. I wish you had opened with that question instead. If that's the prerequisite to using 'manwhore' in a podcast title.

Seems like you just want to use a slur. Cool.

We—and just about everyone who's been on my show—simply disagree that it's a slur on its own. But if you're ever in NYC, hit me up. Happy to have you on to talk about it.

This is so ridiculous--why would anyone want to listen to a fuck-podcast of people you've slept with? How?

Have you not heard of Guys We Fucked? Another podcast of similar nature that is wildly popular? Trust - there are PLENTY of amazing people who want to listen to fuck-podcasts.

Never heard of it.

too many people won't understand why this is the best comment of the thread

I was on GWF. I recommend :)