9ftPegasusBodybuildr

Not that I'm a professional to give advice

You may not be a doctor, but I wouldn't sell yourself short, man. Lots of people self diagnose and replay and what-if their dating histories entirely within their own heads, but very very few have the experience of neutrally getting dozens of previous partners' firsthand perspectives like you have. You almost certainly have a much better, more holistic view of your own dating/sexual past than most of the people in the entire world. That is for sure a kind of expertise. A lot of people would kill to have that sort of clarity!

Oh man, this is a good time in my life to become aware of this.

I have some nasty trust issues, a lot of them sexual, and as a result I have a tendency to be really jealous in and after relationships. In my head, it doesn't make sense to put sexual expression in a box (be it monogamy or vanilla or whatever) but when I'm confronted with the realities of someone sharing this special thing that was intimate and ours and means so much to me with someone else, I get real emotional, just this horrible sick feeling, like the world is ending. Nowadays I am so afraid of that feeling that I don't even give physical intimacy and letting people in a chance. The after effects of a really religious upbringing, I guess, but I've left that life behind and I still feel it, like it's a fact of my biology. I feel so repressed and ashamed.

Did you at any point ever feel like that? Are you able to relate at all now? I really think that the way you do things is probably more "right" but I can't get my stupid mind into gear.