I'm Zoë Ligon (aka "thongria") I'm a sex educator and own an online sex toy store. I talk about sex every day for a living. AMA!

Is it possible to change the way you masturbate/climax if you’ve been using the same technique your entire life? I am a female in my late 20s and the only way I am able to achieve orgasm is through a style of masturbation that is not conducive to partner sex (on my stomach, hands clenched and squeezing over entire vulval area with a lot of tension and pressure, but always on top of underwear as direct contact doesn’t create enough friction).

Before bringing partner sex into the picture, I’d like to just be able to get off on my own in a different manner. I’ve tried experimenting with different types of masturbation (both manually and with vibrators) and while other methods feel good, nothing has come close to making me cum. I’m worried that because I’ve been masturbating the same way ever since I was a kid my body will never be able to retrain itself to climax in any other way.

If you think it is possible, do I need to give up my original method of masturbation for good? I’ve gone about a month without climaxing and simultaneously trying other methods of masturbation, but always inevitably give in and return to my old method. Would love to hear your thoughts, thanks!!

Yes! First off, I hear this question a lot, and you most certainly are not alone. The brain is one of the most powerful body parts when it comes to sex. A lot of the fear of having the "inability to change" has to do with routine, habituation, and having stronger neural pathways for types of stimulation you do all the time. It quite literally involves re-training your brain to get off a new way, which is difficult but very doable! You can make slight adjustments to what you already do, and take baby steps in a new direction. It's going to take patience!

I'll also say that I get nearly just as many questions from pre-orgasmic folks about how to become orgasmic. Having ONE reliable way to get off is actually a really exciting thing, in my opinion! You said you wanted to change it however, so I suppose it really just depends on why you want to change your current method. I know how frustrating it is to not have your way of getting off align with a partners/the way society expects you to get off. I have felt this way myself, and personally have chosen to find a happy medium of stimulation my partner likes and stimulation I like. That sometimes involves me just masturbating after partnered sex! I think a caring partner should absolutely be okay with you bringing yourself to orgasm solo if you haven't from partnered sex. Regardless, be loving and gentle with yourself -- sometimes anxiety alone can make pleasure more difficult!

My wife can't cum without her Hitachi wand. I actually really enjoy waiting for her to cum (usually 2 or 3 times at least) until I do. However, I have found that sometimes this makes me feel like I'm just in the way or that I'm an inadequate lover (because I can't make her cum on my own) ... any advice?

Also, while I didn't outright ask my wife if she was open to anal sex/butt play before we got married, she certainly gave me the impression it was a possibility (we used to be a lot more adventurous/experimental). Now she is saying it will never ever happen. Of course I understand and respect her wants and desires, but how do I encourage her to try something new when she seems so totally uninterested? How can I help her understand that to better our sex life, we need to try new things and keep learning more about each other? It seems that she just simply doesn't trust me as much anymore, which equates to her not opening up as fully and completely to me as she used to.

re: Hitachi

It sounds like this will take a change of perspective on your part. The fact that she can't cum without her wand has nothing to do with what kind of lover you are! However, I think it's totally valid to feel a bit lost as to how to navigate this. If you haven't communicated about this, certainly bring it up -- but definitely be aware of not sounding shame-y in doing so. Maybe something like, "I love watching you use the wand, but I'd love for us to find ways I can be more involved!" Using it together doesn't mean it will replace her solo wand time, though! Many people go their entire lives without any orgasms, so I personally celebrate all orgasms. If this is her fave method, then it might just be her fave method!

re: Anal

Simply based on the way you worded this, it sounds you feel "owed" anal sex. It's okay to be disappointed and feel frustrated, but if that frustration turns into low-key pressuring her, that's not valid. A "no" to anal is a "no" to anal, and "encouragement" often comes across as manipulation even if it isn't meant that way.

Let's get rid of the concept of "need[ing] to" do anything. A fun, pressure-free way of finding new sexual activities is the Yes/No/Maybe list activity. You'll essentially have a word bank of sex acts, and you two can separately sort each term into the appropriate category. Then you can reconvene, compare notes, and go from there!

Wow. You really are an expert, aren't you?

As for the Hitachi, as I said, I really do enjoy watching (and feeling!) her cum, but I can't help but feel secondary a lot of the time. You know, when she's done it's just like, "ok now you finish now. It's time. Now. The faster the better." We have talked(a lot) about this, but when it comes down to it, she only has so much energy, and lord knows after I cum I'm ready to pass the fuck out, ha. I guess I just feel like my needs are only important to her inasmuch as she has the patience and/or energy to invest in our love. And I know in the end that its NOT just communication that makes this work, it is also respect. Which is essentially the problem here ; I guess I don't feel like she respects me like she used to.

Which brings me to the second point (kind of). But first, I just want to make it clear that I don't pressure her or even bring it up ever. I've stopped mentioning it in any form because I respect her and love her and would do anything for her (including never have anal sex!) and I know that although I am severely conflicted because I'm highly sexual and my wife is not, I love her and my life with her is more to me than something so fickle as busting a nut in her butt. So, I'd never make or even ask her to do anything that she really didn't want to, but with that said, sometimes I just feel like she simply doesn't care enough about me to even entertain the idea of trying something new. Aka if she's equally happy and comfortable in situation A and B, but even though she knows I prefer B she still chooses A. So like you said (and you hit it on the nail btw), I do understand that this is going to be a huge perspective shift on my part, but how do I feel respected when I also simultaneously feel secondary and/or almost wholly ignored?

No matter what, thank you so much for such a clear and understandable response, and I do apologize; yes my wording is poor, and is admittedly probably founded in my frustrations some way. I am totally 100% okay and happy with my partner as is, but I guess it just confuses me that she's completely unwilling and disinterested in trying something new when I'm so adamantly seeking everything life has to offer (I know anal is not the only thing I want in life!).

Thank you a million times thank you!!!

Ah, sounds like more than the toy then. Perhaps really focus on what your connection outside of sex is about. Sounds like you very much care and do want her to feel good, and you want to feel good. The communication around sex will be much easier once things like respect, which you mentioned, are communicated about.

There are many ways to open up a conversation about this. I really think all relationships should do check ins from time to time. Periodic times scheduled to talk about relationships stuff makes it a less pressured environment to bring up things you want to talk about without it seeming like a confrontation. Maybe that's a good place to start?

Hey - I’m a woman and I can’t make my boyfriend climax. It’s a psychological issue for him.. he gets performance anxiety. but he can’t climax through masterbation when I’m with him, only without. This really dampens my self esteem.. is there anything that he could do or that I could do?

I’m not Zoe, but I’ve dealt with this issue before and I think the best way to get them through it is to completely take orgasming off the table. Say we’re going to have sex/blowjob/whatever but I don’t want you to come. I realize you won’t come and I don’t want you to. I just want to do these things because they feel good. Then you can have sex and you can come, and if you do that a few times he’ll totally get over it. It’s just a mental thing because of all the building up pressure from all the unsuccessful sexual encounters. The minute you take the pressure off it tends to straighten out :)

I second removing goal-oriented thinking from the equation! This is also something that can change over time -- it's quite common for some people to not be able to climax until they have been with a partner for a longer period of time, for instance.

I assure you that this is no reflection of you as a person or as a partner!

I was looking through your online toy store and noticed something disappointing. Is there a reason you don't carry any of the Big Teaze brand toys like the "I Rub My Duckie"? Your inventory just seemed kind of incomplete to me.

Great question! While I personally have nothing against I Rub My Duckie, I decided not to carry it for a couple reasons. It's hard plastic & rubber, and I generally don't carry toys that I can't verify as being fully body safe (I was unsure of the paints used.) I also have been avoiding most animal-like shapes in an effort to not carry all those glittery, butterfly-like ones that are generally quite infantilizing in their design/literature. That's not to say that this one isn't perfect for you and other folks, that was just my original thought in not carrying it at Spectrum! I will do more research on this cutie later :)

I do like that it is a discreet option for folks who want a sex toy that isn't obviously a sex toy! Quack, quack!

I’m impressed that you actually had a legitimate answer even though it was just a joke comment.

I have always been gullible!!!

The sysadmin for bigteazetoys.com is gonna be really confused about the increase in traffic to that specific toy.

TBH this happens to me as a retailer all the time when others link to us and it's a very fun mystery to solve

Hey Zoe, I'm a recent Amputee and a lot of sex positions are uncomfortable and I'm also too poor for anything like a swing. Any book or toy suggestions? My amputation is above the knee on my right leg and was six months ago. I'm being treated for pain but sex causes lots of electric shocks of pain from the residual limb being moved.

Edit: I came from IG and I love your toy review videos on YT!

Hi! Thanks so much for asking about this! First off, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've been experiencing -- it can be so difficult to focus on pleasure when our mind is sorting through discomfort! Sex wedges and positioners are generally more affordable than swings, and sometimes even just a firm pillow behind the back can be a game changer. You may also benefit from using a topical CBD lotion -- they make lotions like this using CBD from hemp (as well as cannabis) and since CBD is a compound that relaxes (and won't get you stoned), you may find that it lessens the electric shock feeling.

Your body and the sensations you feel will likely change over time. This is true for all of us, but 6 months is a relatively short period of time, and your body will continue to change and adapt as more time passes!

Are there actually sexy cheating moms 2 miles away from me?

Yes and you won't be able to last 30 seconds!!!!!!!!!

Why do you think there's a stigma around men using sex toys and do you feel that attitudes are beginning to change about that?

sigh yeah... it is such a shitty double standard.

I think this has to do with the way we are socialized within a gender binary to behave in a very specific sexual manner. Historically, "female" sexuality has inaccurately been portrayed as being "incomplete male sexuality" (take Freud, for instance.) Vibrators were introduced in the early 1900s as medical devices for "staving off frigidity", and we have found dildo-like archeological remains from ancient civilizations. I think because we are programmed to see "female sexuality" as "missing something", and since many people still stigmatize all toys as being a "replacement" for something, it doesn't compute for some people when they think about sex toys for penises. This is just my theory, however.

I even hear a lot of sex-posi people slam the toys that are representational of vulvas because they aren't what actual vulvas look like. These are generally the same people who have no problem with dildos that are trying to look like penises. As you may notice, I am avoiding saying "realistic" because no sex toys are realistic! While I definitely think that Fleshlight, specifically, isn't a very sex-positive company (and they really need to represent more skin tones besides cadaver beige) making fun of someone for using one is fucked up and regressive. I don't know if attitudes are changing as a whole, but I would love to see more body safe, ethically manufactured, sex-positive penis toys come into the market!

As someone about to buy a male toy I fucking died laughing at "cadaver beige". I know exactly that color (anatomy class). That being said, what if any brands could you recommend that are safe, ethical, etc?

Yes! As the other commenters have said, sleeve-wise Tenga is quite awesome (and Japanese, yay!) Blewit is pretty new and well reviewed as well.

This isn't a sleeve per se, but the Pulse is realllllly cool. It can be used flaccid or erect, too!

I hope so, dudes using sex toys are hot as hell.

Agreed.

Hey thank you for doing this AMA. I'm super excited because your credentials are exactly what me and my fiance would need when asking these delicate questions..

Have you any experience with customers with Vaginismus? What was the outcome? Is there help?

As both someone versed in psychology and sex, is it more of a mental thing or a physical thing?

I ask because the love of my life has this, and it's been an ongoing thing to have penetrative vaginal sex. She can't use tampons, so my dangle is out of the question. She has a set of (and it sounds mega medieval but...) gauging dildos, each larger than the last. Is that the only route?

I really love this girl, we've been together for longer than most married couples (7 years ahhhhh) and it breaks my heart when she thinks I'm gonna leave her because of this... meanwhile shes my reason for being lol so thats impossible.

I feel like this is a long shot, but any insight into making her more confident (she is a STUNNER btw, confidence looks natural on her but shes super anxious) would be amazing. Thank you again for your time!

Yes, it is unfortunately far more common than people think. Medical practitioners are overall lacking in knowledge about vaginismus, and sexual matters as a whole. In fact, doctors receive 8 hours of sex-specific training unless it is their specialty. Therefore, the people who are supposed to be diagnosing, treating, and caring for patients with vaginismus don't necessarily know how to navigate those conversations, which can leave patients feeling frustrated, gaslit, and even more tense. It is sadly a condition that is frequently undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.

It is both a mental and physical thing, and many different factors can contribute to the symptoms of tightness. You may have it for as long as you can remember, or develop it after not having had it.

Healing Painful Sex and When Sex Hurts are two sex positive books that discuss all sorts of sexual pain, and they definitely cover vaginismus. When someone has a history of sexual trauma, I also recommend them Healing Sex in addition to these two other titles.

This won't be ideal for everyone, but using CBD lube can help relax the muscles along the vaginal canal. Also, a soft vibrator can be used externally (and perhaps one day internally) to help relax muscles. Dilation sets can also be helpful when someone is ready and wanting to try penetration.

Everybody is different, but it is absolutely something that can be healed. For many of my clients, simply finding a doctor and/or therapist that knew how to speak to them in an understanding, judgement-free manner about sex and/or trauma was a major help. I always tell people to do a search for "LGBTQ+ friendly ____" when searching for doctors -- even if you do not identify as LGBTQ+, I find that the folks who list this on their sites tend to be more with the program in this department.

What toys do you recommend for a beginner with vaginismus who has never had PIV because of the pain?

Any slim, gentle vibe will do, but folks I talk to tend to go with the Liv 2 because it's got gentle to medium vibration and a smaller diameter than most other vibes!

I love your Instagram and i’m So excited for this ama! I’ve recently begun to realize that I (like probably a shit load of young American women) was brought up with like zero sex Ed about female masterbation, female orgasms, what vulvas look like, or anything about female pleasure. What I picked up from peers along the way is 1) vaginas/vulvas are smelly 2) roast beef curtains means you’re a slut 3) vag/vulvs are weird and ugly 4) pubic hair is gross etc etc etc. So now I’m in my late 20’s and I realize that is all utter nonsense but i’ve been so self conscious that my pussy might be stinky or weird that I cannot relax when receiving oral. HOW can I get over this and get some self confidence?

I'll add my two cents here if you don't mind! I also feel like I grew up hearing so many negative jokes about how gross/smelly/poorly tasting vaginas are, which made me super self-conscious as well. As far as appearances, what really helped me was seeing the Wall of Vagina, where an artist made casts of dozens of real women's vaginas to show the world what they actually look like. It's fun browsing them and seeing some that look like yours, and lots that don't! It just goes to show that perfect vaginas don't exist.

And in terms of everything else, the way I see it is - If I have a partner who doesn't like my vagina for whatever reason, then they don't deserve to be a partner. And sucks to be that person, because they're going to find out very quickly in life that although we can shower normally and keep things fresh, no set of genitals on earth smells like perfume and tastes like candy, and if they're being immature about that then they're not mature enough for sex anyways!

Yes, any partner who has any qualms about your genitals can frick the fuck off.

Thanks so much for asking about this! A lot of people actually love the natural taste of bodies. Even though the smells we emit may be ripe and "smelly", many people are really into the taste and smells of bodies -- even more so than a lack of smell or a fragrance!

I would also recommend Sex For One -- it's a bit of an older book, and Betty Dodson is wacky, but wacky in a good sort of way that makes me just be like "oh fuck it, I can do anything!" There's also a section with several of her paintings of labia (truly all shapes and sizes) where she specifically talks about vulvas and the beauty in their variance.

Hi, I'm female and am only able to cum in my sleep. I've tried everything I could handle while awake but nothing does it like my "dream masturbation". Like I will literally dream that I wake up in bed and go to town on myself and have an orgasm then ACTUALLY wake up. What the hell is wrong with me? Will I ever have one while I'm awake?

Hi! To be honest, I had not heard of this before, but it definitely seems like you aren't alone. There is most certainly nothing wrong with you, either!

I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be able to have an orgasm in the waking state, however! In fact, the dream masturbation may be able to inform you in figuring out what you like in waking hours. If it feels like there's a lot of pressure against you, for instance, that's helpful to note. Does it feel like internal or external stimulation? If you can pick up on the qualities that arouse you while you're asleep, you can include elements of that stimulation into your masturbation practice. Be patient, use lube, and don't be afraid to experiment with a variety of stimulation to find what you want!

Yo, your insta is one of my favs and I've found a bunch of other cool accounts through it as well, so thanks.

First question is how people and specifically local activist groups can directly support sex workers. Are there successful events or ongoing campaigns that you're aware of at the local level?

Second question because I'm greedy, what do you think is the most underrated or slept-on sex toy?

Meep! Thank you!

1. It depends how you like to be an activist! If you don't mind the human interaction, calling your representatives really does help. Otherwise, send them email and snail mail! If you have the means, donating to organizations like SWOP and Red Umbrella Fund is also quite helpful (there are many other great orgs out there too!) Locally, you'll have to check in with people in your community to see who's doing stuff in alignment with your values, since many seemingly with-the-program organizations are not specifically pro-sex work. I also have heard that sex workers are being shadow banned on Twitter, so giving your favorite performer/SWer a follow and retweeting the information they post is a great way to spread information that is apparently being silenced.

2. Personally speaking, as a girth queen, the Swan Wand Classic. Generally speaking, the nJoy Pure Wand -- I think the unusual shape and learning curve of how to use it makes people hesitant about getting it, but it has such yummy g-spot/prostate stimulation potential! Also, the Eroscillator -- it looks like some ancient medical device, but has truly stellar reviews.

the nJoy Pure Wand -- I think the unusual shape and learning curve of how to use it

Uh, can you expand on this? My gf got one and was super disappointed / couldn't figure out how to make it work, and it's sat in a drawer for years now unused.

Yes! These are the ways I recommend using it:

• In a vulva, scoop back behind the g-spot and pull forward applying pressure to the front vaginal wall until it hits behind the pubic bone in a tugging motion
• Place the ball against your g-spot/prostate and rock it back and forth vigorously (kinda looks like I'm jerking off a stainless steel dick when I do this)
• PULLLLL until you have an unrelenting orgasm

External stim on your clit/dick/whatever is very helpful too!

Girl, you're a legend. Always love your posts on instagram, they're so positive and you have such a great vibe. You seem like such a confident and self-aware human.

Have you ever felt a lack of confidence? And was there a point where you came to own who you were, and if so, when/what was it?

Ohhhhhhhh yes. I'd say the most intense lack of confidence I've experienced was in an emotionally abusive relationship. They left me thinking I was not intelligent, capable, or worthy. That shit is hard to come back from.

I came to own who I was quite recently, I think. We never stop "coming into who we are", I suppose. My dad died a bit over 3 years ago, and through my processing of his death and my relationship with him, I discovered a lot more about the ways I've used my sexuality as a coping mechanism throughout my life. I now feel a more objective understanding of who I am and how I relate to my body & the world around me.

Do you have any advice for people who are also recovering from previous emotionally abusive relationships?

Don't "check in" on them (either directly or indirectly via social media), have physical space from them, communicate to those close to you about what you're going through but don't talk/think about it constantly, exercise in a way that feels good for your body, and read books like "Why Won't You Apologize?" or some other book specific to what you experienced within the relationship.

Why did God have to put my gspot in my ass?

Jeez ya and why did God have to go and put my bladder right next to mine...... good for nothing!!!

On that topic, is "squirting" urinating?

It comes from the Skene's gland which has ducts along the urethral canal, and is more or less the "female prostate". Reference Dr. Milan Zaviacic's studies from 1982-1999 if you want proof -- it it confirms that this is a functional genitourinary organ.

Because squirt uses the same tubes, it has trace amounts of urea & creatine in it, but no more than is found in "male ejaculate".

Hi, Zoe! I’ve been following you for a while now and I love your approach to talking about sex and sex education. What sparked your initial interest in sex education/running your own sex toy boutique? Do you have any advice for those of us who might want to follow similar routes or are interested in sex education?

I spent most of my adolescence and teen years being really uncomfortable with the nuts and bolts of sex! When I was in high school, I started making collages using pin up girls and then eventually images from smut mags. Since I was broadcasting this sexy art out into the world, someone suggested that I work at the sex toy store that they worked at because they thought I'd enjoy it. I go more in depth on how I got into the industry in this interview!

If you want to be a sex educator, there are so many ways to get started! Reading books, blogs, and keeping up to date with relevant current events is a great way to learn if you like learning at your own pace. If you want something with a bit more structure, you can find programs through CSPH, AASECT, Tristan Taormino, or SFSI -- just to name a few!

Could you recommend a good "pocket vagina"? I'm recently single and that's the closest I'm getting to the real thing for a while.

I have been recommending the Fleshlight Quickshot Vantage a lot because it's relatively inexpensive, works with a wide variety of sizes, and can easily be used in combination with other toys like cock rings and penis vibrators! If you want something even more inexpensive -- Tenga Eggs!

You'll want to do some research and read reviews before making a decision because what will work best for you will be based on the type of sensation/pressure you enjoy and what size you're looking to accommodate.

Hey! So my husband and I love your posts, you are the best human.

Anyway, so I tend to be very shy sexually. This makes it hard to get turned on or enjoy myself. What advice would you give for someone trying to embrace their sexuality?

Ah yes! I know I am loud and outspoken on the internet, but I totally feel this. Sex For One was a book that gave me a lot of sexual self confidence! Reading books about sex in general gave me an opportunity to figure shit out at my own pace without feeling rushed. I also think that knowing that many of us are shy can be so very helpful in just knowing that you aren't alone in this department.

Watching ethical/sex positive porn is also really lovely! I love seeing the ways other people move their bodies and communicate non-verbally with body language (even though porn is a performance after all.) If you know of sex/play parties near you, attending a sex party can also be SO helpful. You can just be a voyeur at most parties, too! Seeing such a wide range of humans expressing themselves all types of ways truly got it into my head that we can truly do whatever the heck we want sexually (of course as long as it is safe and consensual!)

Which ethical porn would you recommend? Asking for a friend...

See this reply for some options!

I too would love to know if there is a subreddit for this...

Can you recommend more books like this??

Yes absolutely!

Come As You Are

What You Really, Really Want

These are more specific in content, but were key books for me early on:

Female Ejaculation & the G-Spot

The Multi-Orgasmic Couple

Hi Zoë. Do you think masturbation is healthy? If yes, how often should I masturbate?

Yes!! Very much so. It releases endorphins and gets that blood pumpin. Masturbate as much or as little as you want -- as long as it feels right to you!

Zoe, Love what you are doing! I have ordered a few things from Spectrum Boutique and love all of them. A few questions:

1. Are you seeing a shift in general society which embraces a sex/body positive philosophy? If so, it is accelerating at all?

2. The strap on in your latest insta pic looks like it was designed to go VERY slow. Have you used it? Thoughts?

3. My partner and I are searching for the elusive prostate orgasm. So far its been harder to fine than El Dorado, but the journey has been fun. Have you ever induced one and do you have any any tips or resources that you can share with a couple that wants to learn more?

Wow! Thanks so much -- that makes me so happy to hear!

1. I live in a sex-positive bubble in many ways, so it's hard for me to be objective. I think there is definitely increased understanding and support of sex positivity but, given our current political climate, there is also a doubling-down on traditional values in some communities. Overall, I am VERY optimistic about younger generations -- I think the activism we saw from high school students after the Stoneman Douglas HS shooting is incredibly inspiring and makes me very hopeful for our future.
2. Ha! To be honest, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that someone use a beaded dildo for strap on sex (especially anally.) It's technically a plug (Tantus Ripple Large), and is more for going in and staying in instead of moving in-and-out. I just strapped it on because I thought it would look fun with my outfit!
3. Holy frick YES feeling a pulsating prostate against your fingers is such a lovely moment. In short, my tips are: lube, nitrile gloves, go slow AF at first, communicate (do they want more or less fingers? deeper/shallower?) and "stroke it don't poke it". This book is very helpful, but there are also a lot of lovely sex toy/sex bloggers out there who will have some free resources for ya!

Zoë! Your Instagram is literally my favourite. I've been looking forward to this AMA since you posted about it because I wanted to thank you! I used to be so shit at handjobs. I would just like…avoid them entirely, and go straight for the beej. UNTIL I read an amazing article you wrote for refinery29 or possibly vice about hand jobs and tried some of the techniques you suggested on my partner to much success, so thank you for upping my HJ game!

Question time! I'm a graphic designer/web designer/don't know what to call myself, but I would like to work more with clients like yourself, sex toy shop owners, porn creators, other sex posi businesses/whatever. Basically I want to be a sex posi graphic designer (does that make sense?). What are your suggestions to join the clique, so to speak, and work with more people in the 'industry'? How did you get to where you are now - from shop owner to being able to talk about sex every day and hang out with other like minded individuals?

Aw! There is no clique, I swear -- just a nice big community with infinite room for more people! Many of us are just lone dildo wolves (like me) on the internet! There are definitely more prominent names and faces in the industry, however.

I think you're already a sex posi graphic designer just by being here and paying attention. When I'm looking to collaborate with others, it generally doesn't matter if they've worked in sex world or not. It of course depends on the context of the work needed, but with graphic design it is actually an advantage to work with a company who hasn't worked with other sex toy companies/brands. Simply using inclusive language and sharing relevant things on social media is a great start!

I'll also say that when I started 5 years ago, I would have never imagined that I'd be a part of such an expansive, brilliant community like this. Going to conferences, like Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit, is a really great way to quickly make lasting connections with other like-minded people. Conferences are SO effective for meeting new friends and collaborators.

Hi Zoe - My wife has never been able to orgasm and I've tried to help in ways that I thought might work but so far no luck. She is so sensitive that trying to do things like oral or masturbating is uncomfortable. Is there anything I can try or suggest to her?

Since this is a bit broad, I'd recommend the same books I mention in this post!

Been following you on Insta for almost two years now, and I love all your ~content~. I'm a bi female in a heterosexual relationship, but I haaaaate straight porn. I pretty much exclusively watch girl on girl scenes but even those can be painful to watch and I'll spend a majority of my "playtime" trying to find the right video. I'm also into BDSM, LezDom, latex play. What kind of porn are you currently into? Are their sites outside of Pornhub geared toward the female viewer? So much porn is cheeseball (even some of the Kink.com stuff) and it totally ruins my femme-boner. Halp.

I did a roundup of my fave lesbian porn not too long ago!

And here's a list if you like "softcore" porn (although obviously softcore can be for anybody, it's just another list I made!)

You're right... so much is cheeseball. I personally have a playlist of "gangbangs", DP/Triple Penetration and solo penis masturbation that I rotate through, and it's pretty hilariously crappy -- but I like it? I suppose I am yet another example of how our porn preferences don't reflect what we want IRL!

How will SESTA affect you and your business?

How do you think SESTA will affect the industry (porn, sex workers, sex toys) in general?

The only thing that has happened to Spectrum so far is that we can't use Google AdWords. I'm concerned for my business, but of course not nearly as much as I'm concerned for the safety of sex workers and victims of trafficking.

It's really scary for us to all be in limbo at the moment. While it isn't "official" yet, I'm assuming that it will be soon. I think we will find out this week. It remains to be seen how this will be enforced, and a lot of the effects will depend on how law enforcement chooses to interpret this legislation. My internet friend @dyelindsay recently posted a list of every site that has been taken down or modified because of SESTA. I think that's the best indicator of what's to come.

Hi Ms. Ligon. My partners and I are huge fans. They are unable to ask any questions right now because they’re at work so I’ll be asking on their behalf if that’s ok.

If you could give one piece of advice to a newly poly couple, what would it be?

What is your favorite kind of porn right now? Would you ever be in a porn?

Any tips for a girl who has an incredibly hard time climaxing during intercourse? But is fine cumming solo.

Thank you so much, you’re an idol to me and my partners.

Hello and hi to your partners!!

1. Read More Than Two! Truly such a helpful book for all walks of poly life!

2. I like any porn where there are many penises and one vulva. I project myself onto the vulva-owner and pretend I'm being smothered in cock. I also really like solo masturbation videos when the performer has a lengthy/girthy penis. I would totally be in a porn if I was A. Getting paid enough B. Liked and trusted the director C. Liked and trusted my scene partner. I think I'd be a really boring performer though, I'd just be like "I'm gonna use my wand now... Okay I'm finished."

3. External stimulation is key! Most people with vulvas (over 80%) need external (or external paired with internal stim) in order to orgasm.

Thank YOU!

P.S. I did this one from the toilet in case anyone cares

Do you have recommended bedding for squirters? The mess is a lot to keep up with - especially with an active sex life....

YES!

Option 1

Option 2

Hey Zoë! I'm a cisgender Straight woman in my early 20's and I've been struggling with my sexuality, I'm not sure if I am Asexual, or if my Libido is super low due to mental and physical health conditions (PCOS and Hashimotos). I am a virgin and I have tried masturbating manually with no success of climaxing. This has lead me to become very discouraged and I'm not sure where to go from here.

I was wondering if you had any advice on masturbating for idiots/beginners, and any input on Asexuality vs low Libido? Thanks!

Hi there! Great questions.

Sexuality, like most stuff in sex world, is on a spectrum. Some of us are asexual, some of us are sexual, and some of us are somewhere in between. While I can't know how much of what you're experiencing is because of where you fall on the sexuality spectrum vs. the strength of your libido, I have a few thoughts!

I don't know how long you've been masturbating, but I'll say that I was sexually active for years before being having an orgasm, and that I wouldn't be regularly orgasmic today without a vibrator. That's just the way my body is, it doesn't respond as intensely to manual stimulation. It may be that you haven't been patient enough with masturbation (I know it can totally feel tiring and discouraging when it doesn't happen) or that you aren't stimulating yourself in an effective way for your body. Even figuring out what you don't like is quite helpful, and it's okay to use the process of elimination!

Folks who are asexual can achieve orgasm, and may even desire sexual pleasure, but are not attracted to other people. I think it's important to note that romantic attraction is also on a spectrum -- you can also be aromantic, romantic or somwhere in between. You can, however, be asexual and romantic for instance. Many people who identify as asexual also choose to be in intimate relationships for this reason.

Low libido, on the other hand, is a low sex drive -- you may feel attracted to others, yet not have the mental wheels turning and making you horny. It's entirely possible that PCOS and Hashimotos are draining your energy/attention in a way that is hindering your libido -- chronic pain can absolutely lower your libido.

Be loving and gentle with yourself, and try not to place too much pressure on yourself! I think if you spend more time with your body and continue reading and learning, you'll quickly feel more encouraged.

It seriously took me so long, and it happened almost out of the blue! Even now I'll go a week feeling zero sexual desire, and then be super horny the next week. I also just sometimes can't orgasm for the life of me, and sometimes it happens in under a minute. Anywho, I hope this is somewhat helpful!

I'm male and I'm also struggling with this. It's been so long since I've wanted to have sex that I genuinely can't remember if there was a time I actually wanted it. I think it may have started 3 years ago when I got put on psychiatric medication. Personally, I've just decided to call myself asexual and move on with my life. I sometimes want to have the desire to have sex (so I can feel normal), but never actually feel turned on or attracted to anyone.

When it comes to meds & sex, I know it's a bummer when a medication lowers your libido. I especially hate how doctors rarely communicate in advance about this (rather common) side effect!

I am personally on Effexor and used to be on Lexapro. Neither seemed to interact with my libido, but I know many people who have taken SSRIs like Lexpro and had significant libido decrease. I will say that if meds are what help you feel like a functional, alive human, that it's absolutely worth it to stay on meds or try a different dosage/type of meds. When anxiety/depression/etc. is weighting heavily on you, that takes up a lot of energy as well and detracts from your libido, just in a different way. It's a balancing act of finding what works for you, especially since we are all different in our needs.

Do you think there is a drawback from watching too much porn?

Yes, it's not good to do too much of anything! I think The Butterfly Effect by Jon Ronson does a really good job of summing up how watching too much porn can affect us. Not everyone will have the same issues, but an over-use of porn can detract from intimacy if we don't have a proper context for understanding and using it. I think some people, especially children & teens who encounter it before receiving any sex education, have a hard time separating the performance from reality.

From porn, we learn myths like "all vulvas/penises look THIS way!" & "you can go ass to vaj!" & "you can shove a dry dick in an ass/pussy without any lube and it will feel good!" & "ramming your dick into someone really hard is the best way to have sex!" Things that look good on camera don't translate well into real life. It's just important to understand that porn is like a sex action movie for your entertainment and inspiration, not education.

Funniest question you have ever been asked?

"Please miss will you send me a picture of your armpit?"

Okay but honestly, I get so many "funny" questions that I have a hard time remembering them all. More often than not I'll have someone ask what they think is a "weird" question, and it ends up being a question I've heard countless times before. Nothing is weird! Everything is weird!

Did you send him one? It's only your armpit, after all...

I get this frequently, but one time I sent them a picture of my boyfriend's armpit just for fun.

Do you have any tips for a 22 year old woman, who can’t come? I often almost get there, and then it disappears... i have anxiety disorder but when i’m relaxed it just doesn’t really get there, i’ve used the magic wand, womaniser pro etc... my current partner also doesn’t really often want to please me, and when i use a vibrator i’m afraid family in the house can hear me, i do sometimes get tingles all over my body, but people tell me i should ‘know’ that i came and i’m not sure if that is it?

It sounds like you're very close to having an orgasm! It takes time to gain awareness of what all the muscles in your pelvic region feel like to get you to orgasm, but the tingles are definitely a delightful part of the build up and plateau before orgasm. You can now find what will make you fall off the cliff and "peak" so to speak. Sometimes just isolating different areas of your pelvic floor can help you gain control of the sensations and blood flow. I think that you've likely been inhibited by the close proximity to family and/or might just need to keep varying your stimulation until you find your perfect recipe!

An "orgasm" can be characterized by the rapid autonomic contractions of the pelvic floor, as well as the rush of energy you can feel throughout the body.

I hate how condescending comments like oh you'll know sound. Just know that those people likely also felt unsure of themselves/their orgasms at one point too!

Do you know any body positive sex educators doing work around fatness/fat sex/fat phobia in sex positive communities? Or any resources/readings for a fat girl going into sex education?

Love ya you’re a huge role model in my life thanks!!

Yes! Here are some bloggers I love (there are so many folks writing about body positivity, these are just people I know!):

Red Hot Suz

Carly S.

Dangerous Lilly

So excited to hear that you want to go into sex education! I wish more people were talking about these subjects!