caulk_party

I second removing goal-oriented thinking from the equation! This is also something that can change over time -- it's quite common for some people to not be able to climax until they have been with a partner for a longer period of time, for instance.

I assure you that this is no reflection of you as a person or as a partner!

Yes! First off, I hear this question a lot, and you most certainly are not alone. The brain is one of the most powerful body parts when it comes to sex. A lot of the fear of having the "inability to change" has to do with routine, habituation, and having stronger neural pathways for types of stimulation you do all the time. It quite literally involves re-training your brain to get off a new way, which is difficult but very doable! You can make slight adjustments to what you already do, and take baby steps in a new direction. It's going to take patience!

I'll also say that I get nearly just as many questions from pre-orgasmic folks about how to become orgasmic. Having ONE reliable way to get off is actually a really exciting thing, in my opinion! You said you wanted to change it however, so I suppose it really just depends on why you want to change your current method. I know how frustrating it is to not have your way of getting off align with a partners/the way society expects you to get off. I have felt this way myself, and personally have chosen to find a happy medium of stimulation my partner likes and stimulation I like. That sometimes involves me just masturbating after partnered sex! I think a caring partner should absolutely be okay with you bringing yourself to orgasm solo if you haven't from partnered sex. Regardless, be loving and gentle with yourself -- sometimes anxiety alone can make pleasure more difficult!

Hi! Thanks so much for asking about this! First off, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've been experiencing -- it can be so difficult to focus on pleasure when our mind is sorting through discomfort! Sex wedges and positioners are generally more affordable than swings, and sometimes even just a firm pillow behind the back can be a game changer. You may also benefit from using a topical CBD lotion -- they make lotions like this using CBD from hemp (as well as cannabis) and since CBD is a compound that relaxes (and won't get you stoned), you may find that it lessens the electric shock feeling.

Your body and the sensations you feel will likely change over time. This is true for all of us, but 6 months is a relatively short period of time, and your body will continue to change and adapt as more time passes!

Yes and you won't be able to last 30 seconds!!!!!!!!!

re: Hitachi

It sounds like this will take a change of perspective on your part. The fact that she can't cum without her wand has nothing to do with what kind of lover you are! However, I think it's totally valid to feel a bit lost as to how to navigate this. If you haven't communicated about this, certainly bring it up -- but definitely be aware of not sounding shame-y in doing so. Maybe something like, "I love watching you use the wand, but I'd love for us to find ways I can be more involved!" Using it together doesn't mean it will replace her solo wand time, though! Many people go their entire lives without any orgasms, so I personally celebrate all orgasms. If this is her fave method, then it might just be her fave method!

re: Anal

Simply based on the way you worded this, it sounds you feel "owed" anal sex. It's okay to be disappointed and feel frustrated, but if that frustration turns into low-key pressuring her, that's not valid. A "no" to anal is a "no" to anal, and "encouragement" often comes across as manipulation even if it isn't meant that way.

Let's get rid of the concept of "need[ing] to" do anything. A fun, pressure-free way of finding new sexual activities is the Yes/No/Maybe list activity. You'll essentially have a word bank of sex acts, and you two can separately sort each term into the appropriate category. Then you can reconvene, compare notes, and go from there!