IamA Strip Club Doorman/Armed Security Guard in a south-eastern state. I've fought more people, seen more nudity, and covered for more state senators than I ever hoped for. Be it how stuff works to how you should handle yourself in a strip club, o...

It's crazy. I just arrived to work and within less than 30 minutes, a man tried to punch me. I threw him out and he starts waving his, tiny, dick in a helicopter at me.

I don't believe in full moons, but moon is full tonight. Goddamnit.

How many of the females working at the joint have you fucked or been pursued by?

Nice try, manager.

Can't sneak one past you. Remember you are covering Mark's shift Tuesday night.

It'd create a weird dynamic. Management feels like there'd be jealousy issues and at such, it's forbidden. I'm close friends with both of the door girls, since I spent a third of my awake life with them and talk about everything. Both are funny and smart too, and great company. We hang out outside of work and they are friends with my wife, too.

I was voted to be the hottest bouncer at the club ever, take it as you will. But I haven't slept with a single employee there. I feel like for many dancers I'm overly attractive not because I'm chiseled from stone, but because I'm a male figure who always helps them out and doesn't have money involved in the relationship. I'm pretty helpful and I talk about all kinds of stuff, give rides home, hold on to their money, etc.

Damn, that's sad. This might be the wrong question but due to the relationship you spoke of do you believe some of the females working actually work there due to father issues or issues in general?

There's plenty of sadness at the club. It's a horribly abusive environment for pretty much everyone.

Many work there due to issues. Only maybe a fifth or a fourth are there as completely stable and well-doing dancers.

Jesus christ... do you feel much for the dancers? I thought about moonlighting at one of my buddies clubs but once I walked in and spoke with some dancers their stories were so messed up that if I saw a guy prey over them I'd most likely be in prison for murder.

I spoke to one of the dancers and she said that the only thing she was good at was turning men on and that's why she did what she did. Another dancer said that she would turn her father on so much that he started to have some issues (other than being turned on by your own daughter) that he killed himself and she felt like she was at fault because that's what the forged suicide note said. It turned out that's what her mum wrote in order to make her feel terrible.

A lot of these women are emotionally hurt and you can see it in their eyes. It's noble of you to protect them but keep the assholes safely away. Very noble, you are a good man.

I struggle often, and there's been some crying and hugging. I sometimes feel like it's the reason I should quit, but then I think that my replacement most likely wouldn't be as baller as I am.

I try my best to help them, it's just that I learned in firefighting and EMS that I can't save the world and if I let it crush me, I'll be just that, crushed.

I was an wilderness NREMT - I was in it to try and save the world.

My first call was finding and carrying a deceased biker's head back up to the top of a cliff side road, where it was severed from his body after he lost control and skidded his bike and body under the guardrail ... while his head went over it. Still remember his eyes staring through the dark visor/goggles he was wearing, kinda bouncing with each step I took. Finally made it up the mountain and hit the pavement with exhaustion from the steep hike and tricky lo-angle recovery. I guess I stopped right in front of the family, now on scene. who had arrived just in time to see me collapse on the ground dejectedly with their husband/dad's decapitated head clutched in my arms as I sat there awkwardly listening to their unforgettable, horrible screams - I still have nightmares about this sound - and my own screaming on the inside.

After that call, that very first call, something changed for me. I realized it was that simple - I couldn't save the world. Sometimes, you lose. Sometimes the patient loses. Sometimes everything just sucks. But you damn well try your absolute fucking hardest to win as many times as possible, because that's the job ... and, you won't save them all.

That vicarious trauma tho. All the logic in the world doesn't take away the things we make our senses feel and our eyes and hands bear witness to. Sometimes it hits like a freight train. Sometimes is just builds for decades.

For me, only 5 years later, I couldn't even save myself. I was drinking every minute off-shift and smoking a pack a day. Took myself up with pills and stuff and back down with different pills and different stuff. Started realizing I couldn't do it forever, but it was the only meaningful thing I'd ever been good at. Started having anxiety and panic attacks.

Couldn't even save my relationships. All the cliches, the not talking at all, the "I won't talk about work, you won't understand", the nightmares and the screaming and all the fights and the anger... I lost so many great girls along the way.

I'm out now. I miss it every day.

I know the game is different now, you're doing different work - I think you get what I'm saying, the whole vicarious trauma thing. I'm sure you know all about this stuff from your own FF/EMS background. I'm sorry I didn't last longer in this field full of some of the best people I'll ever know. I got crushed, as you put it. Thanks for what you do.

I hope if anyone is actually reading this, that you never have to meet 'em. But they're out there waiting and waiting - many with similar stories of dealing with vicarious trauma that we soaked up like a sponge - to help get to you and make you safe if you ever do need it.

You sound like a good man, and someone I'd trust with keeping stuff cool and steady at the door of a strip club.

I don't think I have anything bothering me from my first responder days. I saw some messed up shit, but I learned to deal with it pretty decently. Maybe I'm lucky.

How hard are you trying to keep people from doing coke in the strip club? I'm guessing there's a cocaine done vs. $ spent correlation

Yeah, it gets done a lot. Some weeks ago my buddy had to throw out a person for throwing a fat line on the stage and starting to snort it. He was very offended, too. On the way out he said "why does this always happen to me!?" which made me realize he was not doing it the first time.

Girls usually put the coke away when I clean the dress room, but some of them don't give a fuck. Then I tell the manager I "did my best to prevent it". There not much I can do. For a customer, it depends how much they spend, but it's pretty close to not being allowed at all. Cops visit the club all the time and we'd be fucked.

About my gear:

I wear sturdy black pants with reinforced knees. Fabric motorcycle shoes because I like how they feel. I wear a black shirt and a black suit jacket. On my belt I have a:

• spare magazine of 9mm

• a pocket knife

• a small first aid pouch with gloves and bandages,

• Radio pouch, radio, earpiece,

• A Glock 17 9mm,

• ASP expandable baton,

• small flashlight.

It sounds really tackleberry, but I use everything on the belt fairly often, and it's well hidden under my suit jacket. We have a radio between the doorguy and the floorguy, and a manager usually has a radio on his desk. Due to the loud music and him not having an earpiece, he can't hear us but he can at least yell into the radio to get us to show up. I used a Glock 17 in the Army, so I bought what I was used to.

I had no idea that strip club bouncers or security guards can have firearms in certain US states. Are bouncers at regular bars in your area similarly armed?

Hmm, I don't know. Getting proper permits wasn't that hard, but I know that in some other clubs the permits have not been in order. Ours are, though. Mainly since we have future public jobs in sight.

When cops come, we just say that we are armed and they nod. I don't think regular bouncers are. We handle insane amounts of cash, and strip clubs attract various people with insincere intentions. And the baby daddies are often crazy.

I would imagine we are pretty unique.

No handcuffs, I'm surprised. Your usual action is to throw someone out then?

In my State, you need to be a cop, otherwise it's kidnapping.

Is there prostitution at your club?

Loads and loads, it's just well hidden. The customers who want it know who to go to.

Based off your experience there, what are your thoughts about legalizing prostitution?

I'm pretty much all for legalizing prostitution. It being in the shadows benefits no one. And it'd most likely be safer, too.

They go to the girls, right?

Yeah, but asking the wrong one will get you kicked out.

Do the senators prefer the larger breasted ladies, or do they typically have a 'type'?

They just like all kinds. They are also mostly just Republicans.

A funny story just came to while from a while back. It was a busy weekend and we had a third man working the door and I was on the floor with my buddy.

We have a VIP section that forms a U-shape in front of the stage and you need to buy champagne bottles to get it. It costs 225 per three people. Anyway, technically the U-shape is divided into two, but the party on the other side wasn't liking the party next to them. They asked me to remove the party and I asked the party if they'd mind leaving. They did mind, so I turn back saying "sorry sir, but there is not much I can do."

Without a pause, the gentleman hands me a 100 dollar bill and says "please."

I turn to the second party and say with a stern voice "ya'll motherfuckers have to go right now." They tried to stutter something, but I threatened with a kickout.

So what about the customers who just paid $225 to sit there ? Seems pretty shitty. But hey money for you, fuck them I guess.

It's absolutely shitty and wrong but it's a strip club. They got another VIP section, though.

Did you ever think you would have a part of your Career in this industry, and were you raised with an open family that talks about anything, or did your family go to church, just some family background?

Our family was pretty open minded, used curse words and talked about sex. I learned tolerance towards lgbtq people and various ethnicities. My mother also knows I live in a marriage that is open to others. Finland overall is also more liberal in attitudes towards sex and nudity.

Wait what does "open to others" mean?

We have sex with other people and have friends that are more than friends.

How does that work?

You rub genitals together with someone else.

What's the craziest thing you've seen happen at the club?

I saw a customer man get on stage with thongs and starting to shake his ass, while two bearded regulars in their motorcycle leather jackets started tipping him. A nerdy looking customer called the bearded guys "faggots", and after the classic "whaddaya say, boy!?", a fight ensued. I intervened with the other security guard and after drawing my baton, saw a high heel stripper shoe pass me and hit the nerdy looking guy square in the face.

It was weird. The fight ended there. I ended up giving him first aid for the laceration while he waited for his buddies to come pick him up.

Throwing a shoe is a huge insult in the middle east.

Who throws a shoe? Honestly!

Strippers do it a lot.

You ever been hit by a shoe?

Got close but girls aim well.

Are you George Bush?

Yes.

Hurts like a fuck ton, too.

Do you feel like you 'get enough action,' as in do you get to beat the shit out of people often?

I'd lie like a motherfucker if I'd say I don't like fighting, but I'm pretty gentle. I'm not a physically imposing dude, nor am I violent. I try to be gentle and sweet and use the least amount of physical force I can to get the people out of the club or keep them out.

I still like when we do fight, though. A forcible kickout happens once or twice a week at least, and a proper fight once a month. I pull the baton maybe once a month.

Do your fights end with a voice in your head saying "Finnish him"?

We just say "Enjoy your night, Sir" as they fly out of the door.

Whats your take on a strip clubs during family oriented holidays? Christmas... Thanksgiving.. Etc. Do the type of clientele change? Type of dancers? Is the atmosphere different?

Our christmas eve was so jampacked it was unreal. It's crazy. The holidays always have people. I guess they try to avoid families.

on Christmas eve a guy went outside and I hear him make a phone call "yeah yeah baby just picking up food with the buddies, I'll be home soon".

... Do you guys sell food?

We have a food cart outside but he didn't buy food from that.

Let's say I don't have much money to spend, $100 max, and wish to enjoy a night at a strip club like yours, how would I dish it out for maximum enjoyment?

Get 60 bucks in 2 dollar bills at the front desk, use 40 bucks for drinks.

I don't drink any alcohol so I can't recommend drinks, but 40 should get you some. Throw the 60s to the stage, like 10 bucks at a time on a reasonable interval. This way I guess the girl will give you and you only attention for 30 seconds or so. Then retreat to your recliner chair again and wait for next time.

Just don't sit on the prime seat right next to stage, since one of us will ask you to move if you are only spending couple bucks at a time. Or a stripper might throw a shoe at you or sit next to you and do nothing, saying "I don't dance for a dollar".

I used to have one of my favorite girls just sit at the stage and stare at people until money started flying.

Thanks.
Is 5x2 bucks better than a 10 buck note?

Oh yeah. Making it rain looks better since only the stripper can tell the value of the bills and everyone else thinks you are a cheapskate.

What if you throw handfuls of nickels and make it hail?

The reason strip clubs never pick up in Europe.

But why do I need tworry about everyone else's opinion? Do people give you a hard time because of it?

They'll start yelling at you or pushing you out of the way.

Ok, I know where I am not going then. Thanks for the info.

I mean, that's the way it is. There are weird territorial behaviors exhibited by many customers. I don't have to agree with it.

The other fact is that the dancers are often my friends, so if they don't want you sitting close to them, I'll proceed to help her achieve that by asking you to move. It's how it works.

It's nice to read through your replies and see your respectful attitude to the women working there.

Ever had a spin on a pole yourself?

I spin on the pole with the other security guard all the time, mainly after work. If someone makes it rain so much that money is too much to handle, I will sometimes deliver a bucket to the stage and take a quick spin in front of the customers.

That girl in the counter strip? If she doesn't, she should

Yes she will if you pay enough. Mostly we just do the "good cop bad cop" routine. People ask her to show her breasts, and she says she can't unless I give permission since I'm the doorman. I say that "okay only this time but it's 50 dollars". Or 100, depending how much money they seem to have. They then give me the money, the girl shows her breasts and we split the money. It's funny everytime. We've pinpointed this to two things with her. Men who come there view other men as the "lords" over women. I am the male figure "guarding" the girl, so they feel the need to talk to me. In addition, by getting denied by her, but then barely (what it seems like) approved by me creates a forbidden fruit-type of sensation for them, and they drop money.

would you give $50/$100 to a girl to see 1/2 tits?

No.

Worst night at your job?

When I thought I'll have to shoot a man for swinging a big-ass steel pole/2x4something at my manager and that I'd lose a chance for a real career with that background.

After drawing my glock, I realized that the man with the pole is a childhood friend of the manager, and was just "backing up" the manager, I placed my pistol away. There had been a big fight and knowing who played for which team was pretty difficult. He put the pole/pipe away anyway.

That or being sucker punched and hitting my jaw on the floor.

Come on man, what really goes on in the champagne room?

There is no sex in the champagne room.

EDIT: Depends on how much money you have. Some of the champagne room curtains have stains on where girls wipe their hands. Never seen anything happen though.

How did you get employed at a club as the bouncer? I'm a bigger, semi strong guy, kinda think that might be an interesting job for me in the future.

Go to the door, ask the doorman. Wahtever you do, do not do it when you are a customer. We hate that. Even if you have visited before, just come to the door, ask for a job, then leave. Do not linger around or proceed to being a customer, or be a customer then ask for a job after being a dick for two hours. We really hate that.

How much does your experiences there affect your life outside of work? Your mood, worldview, relationships, etc.

Like said, I learned to deal with the uglier side of the society in military police and fire/ems. I realized that I can't save the world, but I can do something about it.

I'd say it doesn't really affect me in anyway. My humor was morbid before this, and my relationship seemed the same. My wife would like me not to be on a constant night schedule, but that's pretty much it. She has no jealousy issues since we are in a open relationship and were a long time ago. Some people act so surprised always when I say I'm happily married for a half a decade and that my wife knows that I work there.

My mood is pretty decent, too. I work 6 hours a night for 4--6 days a week, and get paid very well, over 25 dollars an hour, for something that I actually kinda like doing. It's not bad at all and I know I shouldn't complain, knowing how many people work actual jobs in McDonalds, Burger King, etc etc working way harder than me, for way less.

You said prostitution occurs at your club. How does that usually go down? Can a girl ask you to kick out a guy if he keeps asking her to go home with her, but she is not interested? Have you ever done that before?

That is the most common way that attempts at prostitution go. It takes a specific girl and a large amount of money for the actual stuff to go down. Most girls are not for sale at all, and they can brush off one request, but after that we start kicking out.

How much money are we talking?

I honestly don't actually know. An hour dance in the champagne room is 775 dollars, and that won't get you sex, so you can go from there.

If I would take a guess, I would imagine it is maybe 500 or 700 on top of that dance cost, and some girls are so fine that they maybe charge 1500.

What kind of gangsters visit your club? And if needed to boot them, would you be nicer with them?

The low-rent gangsters we pat down and kick out, the fancier ones we keep a dude at the ready a bit out while two guys eject them.

This is if they are causing issues. But we let some shady folk stay in as long as they don't bother anyone and do not cause any issues. Tolerance depends on your wallet.

When you pat customers down at the door, what are you actually looking for? What kinds of objects could a person have on them that would prevent them from getting in besides weapons?

I don't pat down people at the door usually, unless they are a known troublemaker.

Mainly for their own bottles, or food. Sometimes I do spot checks and ask people if they are carrying anything that I should know, and then go from that.

There is no reasonable way for me to prevent a firearm or a edged weapon from coming in that is decently hidden and planned, and at the same time satisfy the need for constant customers at the door.

Why do we call it 'Finland' when you call it 'Suomi'?

Old Baltic name "Zémé" meaning "land".

Whats the best way to date a stripper?

Treat her like a person.

How many of the girls would even consider dating a patron? I've never been to a club like this (Most clubs in this area are pretty seedy) but I feel like most of them would just assume the clientele are sketchy motherfuckers, regardless of how they act.

Yeah, and for a good reason. Please don't go to a club and attempt to date dancers. It'll end up bad.

I dated a stripper. Met her at a bar though. Im not a fan of strip clubs...i just dont get the point of them

Me neither. I don't drink, either. So bars overall seem really stupid to me.

Are there any girls who keep their work a secret from their personal life? And if so, how difficult is it for them?

Yeah. I help them cover all the time. We carpool to erase evidence of where they are going, some of the dancers house each other and some even have front businesses that are registered LLCs.

Which state senators?

Well obviously I can't say that. The stories involving them are funny, though.

First one I ever saw was this older gentleman getting real grabby with waitresses and I went to the manager saying I'll intervene and the manager told me that don't I know who he is. After shaking my head, I got told he's a retired state senator and he spends really big money. The girls didn't mind either, what with 100 dollar tips being handed out non-stop.

Since you've mentioned that you've been in your share of fights, what are your thoughts on the various martial arts? Do you have techniques from certain ones that you apply or were taught in the army? Have you ever had a particularly hard time with anyone due to them having some martial art/self defense training?

I used to box, but mainly it is just law enforcement-style grappling. We don't fight fair or try to square off. If you raise fists and I don't have backup that moment, out comes the baton.

Some people get upset when I don't fight "fair" or "with honor", but I don't give a shit. THere's no honor in any street brawl at a strip club. Might as well win.

in your pictures you look basically average in height and weight. Is that true?

Where/how did you learn to fight if you say you don't have that much martial arts experience.

I always thought it was a pretty important part of the job to have that super tough mean steroid user look. What's your thoughts on that? Do you think it helps to have the guy next door look or do you think it would help to scare off troublemakers with the shaved head and benchpress look?

I learned to box and then I learned law enforcement melee whatever in the MIlitary Police.

The steroid looking bouncer thing is kinda overrated and outdated. We try to talk to people. My buddy looks more menacing than I do, I think.

What's the craziest man spends too much money and embarrassingly wants it back or the like?

When you spend more money, we take a picture of you, scan your ID and Credit Card with a signed affidavit saying it you ordering the dance for a certain amount. this way when you go home and the wife wondere about the lost 3000 bucks on the account, you can't say it wasn't you. We get chargebacks and second thoughts all the time and the credit company loves the club since they get full documentatiok instantly.

Of tips, some men like giving a lot of money to dancers, then pressuring it back when they corner a girl or something. We have taught them to yell at this point, we'll come running and make sure the sleazy motherfucker learns to fly n

What kind of background does someone have to have for a job like this? I imagine them hiring like ex special forces or some other crazy qualified applicants to protect the girls and cover for senators etc. but it's probably something much more realistic.

There is no standard nor a guideline. It depends on the manager or the owner and what they want, can get or what their mood is like.

It depends on how much money and cash is handled at the club and how, where it goes from there, and what kind of people visit the club. I'm not special forces or anything like that. I was in the military police and my buddy was just a tank crewman with basic pistol training and Army training. It comes down to a calm head and the basic skills of using a baton, a pistol and knowing how to grab a person, or how to force their hand etc.

Have you had any incidents with underage kids sneaking their way into the club? If so, how do you usually deal with them?

Every-fucking-day. If they are over 18 but under 21, they get X marks on their hands. They wash it off, we throw them out. Sometimes they get mad, so we throw them more forcefully.

How do the girls respond to couples coming into strip clubs? I've never been to one, but thought it could be a fun time.

It's a daily thing. They treat them like anyone, but some girls like dancing for couples less, some like it more.

I was wondering- how do you feel about having your wife request that you do this? Also: Whats the most insane thing you've wittnessed?

I don't really understand the question. She thought I'd like it and she'd like it. And she was right.

Today I saw a dude with reindeer horns pedaling on a unicycle pass the club.

Many questions.

1. How does one get into that position? What requirements would you need?

2. Have you ever shot someone?

3. I notice below you mentioned you pulled your gun, you also mentioned you were worried about that being on your record. Can you elaborate? If you are doing your job...?

4. How much do waitresses receive a night? Do they get a paycheck, or do they just get paid in tips?

5. When you said that you would deliver a bucket on stage and sometimes swing on the pole, do people throw money at you, or whistle approvingly, or yell negatively "get the fuck off the stage" at you?

6. Do waitresses split tips with you at all?

EDIT: Does someone ever try and steal some of the tips? I imagine the money on the stage goes all over the place, and I've always thought some jackass would try and pocket some ones.

Our club management likes law enforcement or military background.

No I haven't but I've pointed a firearm at a person.

No matter what, especially as a private citizen, shooting someone is gonna be bad and hard to explain. And I don't want to hurt anyone.

Waitresses get usually around 100 a night, but sometimes more than 500. It's still the exception.

People do throw money at me but I let the dancer keep it since it is her territory.

If they get a big tip, they usually give us money, too.

People also do try to take tips. IN which case they go out very, very, fast. We are very intolerant towards that.

Would you ever think about returning to Finland later in the future?

Everything in Finland works better, but I like the palm trees and I can't afford to tank up my Mustang V8 in Finland with 10 bucks a gallon for gas.

Serious question: You mentioned earlier that people who want poon can get it-- what exactly does one say to get it? Just ball out of control?

Do girls date guys they meet at the club or typically only people they work with/work in the same industry?

I have no idea how you get it. I presume you ask for a blowjob and show 500 dollars. Seems simple.

People date all kinda of people. Some dancers date other dancers.

Will the strippers quit their job if someone offers them a respectable job with good money? Do they like being a stripper?

Many/some of them do. You see them hired as assistants at some companies. It's all a good old boy system.

What are the hot songs these days? Most requested tracks from the dancers?

All the shittiest radio tracks and then remixes from them. It gets so tiring.

Any recommendations for easy to learn but effective self defense martial arts? Besides running?

Uh, boxing is great. It's the oldest sport and it's a lot of fun, and combines many forms of fitness into a cross-fit like regimen. And it's cheap.

where do you see yourself in five years?

As Flight Warrant Officer or a Commissioned Officer in the military.

Did you ever think about writing a book? Reading your response, it sounds like a book and as a writer I know there's a story in there that would appeal to an audience.

I might. I've actually published articles relating to fire tactics between North America and Europe and I like writing. It's just that these stories are pretty common.

How different are tactics in Europe vs the US? Besides the fairly obvious considerations of construction and building density, it always seemed to me like American structural firefighting is more aggressive than our European brethren.

In Europe, we never spray the fire, but instead pencil the ceiling with short puffs, working in waaaaayyy hotter conditions than in the US. We also don't vertical ventilate, but instead slowly proceed to the fire, forcing it out by suppressing the fire gases in and near the ceiling.

On the other hand in America, Instead of going in from front door and slowly working to reduce water damage, since often we'd end up with no water on floor at all, we used to saw roofs and break windows in America, to overly aggressive shit and overall not view water damage as a bad equal to smoke damage.

How do you keep fit?

I run and bike and I chase bitches.

Also I'm not that fit.

You mentioned semi nude women. They don't undress completely there?

In this area, you can't unless you also don't serve alcohol. We serve, so technically it's a topless only bar.

Any idea how the girls get into dancing/start working at the club? Inquiring minds with decent sized boobs want to know.

They walk up to the manager and ask to dance. Depends on teh tits, too! You are welcome!

Do you get tipshare at the end of the night? Or more of an hourly wage type of gig?

Both. It comes to a total average of roughly 25 dollars an hour, even if some nights are way better.

It sounds nice but I pay my taxes out of it, and I get no insurance.

Damn. How did you manage to get into the USA ? i am from germany and would love to live there, but its so hard... Or is it because you married your girl ?

I married an american woman.

I've traveled all over the world several times over, lived in many places and every single Finnish person I've met was a total badass. What gives? What made the rest of the world grow our of their savage ways while Fins remain the Vikings they are?

Socialist utopia mills good socialist citizens.

Do you REALLY need a gun to guard that place? Come on, its just a club...

They didn't ask for my opinion.

I also dodged bullets from a drive by shooting six months ago when a guy came to collect from a dancer.

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I don't know Dave. Please remove the identifying locations, since this is that club. Thanks!

I tell people to tip the door girl or I might throw them out.

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I really like turtles.

As a Finnish immigrant, would you say that you are "tougher" in general than the average Southerner? How much of that comes from nature and how much from nurture?

I'm soft and mushy.