Hi Reddit, Dr. Gloria Brame here. IAmA sex therapist, media sex expert, author and official Hero of the Sexual Revolution. Ask me anything!

I'm 30 years old and have an aversion/indifference to sexual intimacy. Have never had sex. Part of me wants to be normal, another-much bigger part wants to keep away from it. Whats wrong with me?

Have you considered that you may just be asexual, and that this IS your normal? Every single one of us is wired a little differently. Your goal should be to get to love yourself as you are, not to compare yourself to people who are not like you.

In the not so dark recesses of the internet, it's possible to find videos of people beaten until they bleed, while screaming bloody murder the entire time. What do these people get out of the experience? How can this be healthy? Who are these people? And where can I meet them?

First, people wouldn't be doing it if they didn't get off on it, so clearly they get pleasure out of the experience. OTOH, if you're watching pro porn, they're mostly paid actors so mainly they get a paycheck out of it. But BDSMers (the ones who love extreme sensations during sex, like pain and captivity) are as "normal" as anyone else. I use normal to mean "plenty of people do it." Sex in itself isn't "unhealthy" but people with unhealthy minds may have unhealthy sex. Where can you meet a nice BDSMer? Hi, you just met me. ;) You can also look at /r/bdsmcommunity

What advice would you give for a male having difficulties with anxiety in the bedroom? I have trouble staying "in the moment" and often have difficulties maintaining arousal. I'm fine by myself, only difficult when I'm with my partner.

Yep, sounds like anxiety and fear are holding you back. The more you stress about not staying hard, the softer you'll get. You can try using a rubber cock ring or asking your doc to give you a scrip for Viagra to give yourself more confidence. Since masturbating to orgasm isn't an issue, this isn't organic but emotional. Maybe you need to ask yourself what you're scared about -- getting too vulnerable? not pleasing your partner? Those kinds of issues are usually best worked out in sex therapy...but try the cock ring first. :)

As a therapist what is the most common reason you are given for someone lacking the ability to express themselves fully in a sexual context?

I think low self-esteem cripples people from both expressing their sexuality fully and from asking for what they want. A big part of sexual happiness is feeling that you DESERVE to have a good sex life. Most of the people who I work with start out feeling that for whatever set of insecurities, they don't have the right to ask for what they want in bed. The poet Philip Larkin said it best, "They fuck you up, your mum and dad."

Thanks parents!

The next line of the poem is "they may not mean to, but they do," because if your parents made you feel bad about sex, it means they feel bad about sex and their parents probably felt bad too. Putting an end to anti-sex teachings is every sexual freedom activist's dream.

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With a great partner, anything is possible, especially with the right encouragement. Make your lover your best-friend in your mission to find sexual ecstasy, and help your partner discover their own potential for erotic fun.

how do you bring back the passion and intimacy after a rough patch between husband and wife? What if you're too familiar with each other and too much conflict has happened in the past that sex life has been affected as an aftermath?

Doesn't sound like the sex is the problem but rather your history of conflicts. If sex isn't the problem, then it isn't the solution either. Focus on the future and how you want your relationship to be, instead of dwelling on how it was in the past.

What if the relationship has gotten out of that rough patch and things between the couple are much better but the sex is still infrequent/non-existent?

Then I recommend you make it a priority in your life and schedule it into your week every week. In this situation, though, it would help to know if you enjoy the sex you have when you do (or did) have it? If there were problems in bed, it's possible one (or both) of you is avoiding revisiting painful territory by avoiding sex.

Hi Dr. Brame! Quick question - for the last two years, I've been unable to enjoy masturbation. Something in the brain flipped after losing a child at 4 months pregnant. Do you have any advice for getting back in touch, literally, with myself and enjoying me again????

Edit: To add question marks to my question.

I have a question for you: do you feel in any way guilty about the loss of your baby? If you do, then maybe you are unconsciously punishing yourself by not allowing yourself to feel pleasure. Similarly, if the experience was terrifying, it's also possible that you're afraid to "get back on the bicycle." I'll wait for your reply before offering more speculation.

I do, in fact, feel some guilt. I feel like a mother is supposed to protect her children, even if they are still in the womb. The loss not only affected me mentally and emotionally, it also affected my relationship with my S/O of 16 years. That relationship eventually ended. I don't seek another relationship, but would like to enjoy my~Self again.

You will be able to enjoy yourself when you are able to forgive yourself. I recommend NOW. You know, logically, that it is not your fault. It's a horrible loss and you were as much a victim as the child. Stop punishing yourself for an event you could not control. Be kind to yourself, honey. You have a long life ahead of you. It's time to move forward towards future happiness. HUGS

Thank you, MsGloria. Thank you so much. hugs

I have more to reply, but I know you are busy with other questions/answers. But having read some of your books and followed you for quite a while, I know you give sound, honest advice. I never thought about looking into NOW, but I will certainly do my research!

Living in the here and now and shifting focus to what you CAN do to be happy (v. the sorrows of the past) is the way to revive your inner life. So glad if my words can help. HUG

Hey Gloria,

Fetishes seem like universal dirty secrets. . . are there any more depraved/strange fetishes that you have come across that are surprisingly common within normal people?

P.S. What was my mom, G. Schneidkraut, like in high school?

Thanks!

Fetishes are way more common than anyone (well, except me) usually acknowledges. It's all about how you define a fetish. What makes fetish really fun for a sexologist is there is ALWAYS something new -- it's akin to Rule 34, only in this case "if it exists, there's a fetish for it." In the last year, I was interviewed about sneaker-smashing fetishes, dolphin-sex fetishes, and Swiss cheese fetishes. The mere tip of the fetish iceberg.

I met your mom when we were 12!! She was beautiful, kind, and funny. And a total hottie! I love her still. :)

What's your take on the Pill causing a decline in the female sex drive? Any legitimacy to those concerns?

YES. The pill CAN lower female libido and, in some women, the effects are irreversible. It happens rarely but it can happen. Here's an article about it on WebMD http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/features/the-pill-and-desire

Can you explain exactly how squirting works? There doesn't seem to be much info on the exact anatomy involved.

Some women squirt naturally, or know (through masturbatory experiments) how to make themselves squirt. It involves stimulating the spongy tissue (which some call the G-spot) inside the vagina and behind the pelvic bone. The actual squirt comes out the urethra, not the vagina. I haven't seen studies on this so can only tell you that some people believe all women can squirt and others think it's mainly something women who know where their g-spot is and are open to lots of deep fingering can achieve. As always with sex, YMMV.

If you're not too busy with other comments, can you tell me where the liquid is stored before release? Thank you so much for answering all our questions!

Believe it or not, nobody knows. Medical researchers are still quarreling over the existence of a G-spot, and the theories on what female ejaculate is and how it is produced haven't been proven out yet. Most consider it akin to pre-cum in men (watery natural lubricant). If you want the scientific explanation, the wiki stub's good http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_ejaculation#Source_of_fluid

how do you bring up a poly relationship ?

With confidence that it is a legitimate relationship choice, and something you know is right for you. Seriously. IMX, people who are open and unashamed about what they want sexually have the best chance of finding it. People who beat around the bush, and try to "protect" others from their sex secrets usually waste years of their lives in the process. Be who you are and the right person will love you for it.

What's the best way to deal with sexual problems (i.e. guilt, feeling "slutty", etc.) caused by a religious upbringing?

First could you answer two questions for me? Are you still faithful to that religion? Do you still embrace all its beliefs?

Hi there, thanks for doing this AMA! I'm a semi-frequent poster over at /r/sex (where I'm sure you'd be very welcome to post/do an AMA if that would be of interest to you).

One of the most frequent problems and difficult problems we get there is one of mismatched libidos (e.g. one partner has a higher sex drive than the other). I've always found this a difficult issue to address, since there doesn't seem to be any good long-term solution to this problem (presuming the low libido is not due to medication or other biomedical issues), and often the advice simply becomes 'leave the relationship if sex is important to you'. I was wondering what your thoughts are about this issue and what sort of advice you give when you encounter couples with mismatched libidos?

Thanks for reading!

Thanks, I'd love to! Very kind of you to suggest it.

Yes, mismatched libidos will create conflicts, with the hornier person feeling rejected and diminished, and the less horny person feeling pressured and inadequate. In a healthy world, we would accept that love does not carry the guarantee of perfect sexual compatibility and would make room for compromises and adjustments (and thinking outside the traditional box) in our sex lives. One problem is that everyone believes monogamy should work for everyone. Obviously, I believe that there is no one solution that can work for everyone. When I deal with a married couple in this situation, my first long discussion with them is whether they are committed to the relationship enough to accept changes that may push them out of their comfort zone. Some people can't and they are the ones who would probably be better off leaving. But if you see the value in staying with a partner, then the goal is to find alternatives and compromises that won't be perfect but will be good enough for both sides to feel glad they stayed. It takes maturity and commitment to get there but I see it happen all the time in my practice.

Thanks very much for the very thoughtful reply. I think the 'first long discussion' about commitment to the relationship sounds like a very good approach. You mention the issue of assuming that monogamy works for everyone. Have you had luck suggesting that some of the couples you encountered with mistmatched libidos 'open up' their relationships, then?

Yes, opening the marriage is an obvious choice and I've seen a lot of couples succeed with it. But I work with people of all ages and beliefs, and for some of them that's not even an option -- to them, "relationship" equals "exclusive." In those cases, you try to work with what's possible. Maybe one of them gets more private play time on-line; or maybe they make conscious trades ("I'll do this if you do that"). And, of course, lots and lots of communication and bonding time too.

Do you have any general advice on raising girls to not be ashamed of their sexuality/body. And at the same time not seeming like you're just giving them the thumbs up to go crazy?

Press home the idea of "sexual intelligence" (something I wrote about in "Sex and the Self") and feeling comfortable with their own bodies before sharing themselves with others. Most sex problems in grown women start when they feel disempowered about sex as girls by being told sex isn't as important for girls or that they are slutty if they think about sex. I wish we taught more girls to own their sexuality. Girls need to hear that they have a right to pleasure as much as boys, and that letting other people make up their minds for them (by pressure or pushing them into things) is dumb.

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well awesome, thank you! :)

Hi! Thanks for doing this! I've been reading Different Loving and mostly loving it. Would you ever consider publishing an updated version of it? A lot of stuff in the BDSM community has changed since '93!

Yay, thanks for asking. I've started working on an update but not another survey of the Scene -- we're asking a couple of dozen of the original interviewees to tell us, in their own words, what changes they've seen over the last 20+ years, in the Scene and in their lives as players. Hoping to publish it by the end of this year.

Oh that's wonderful news! I can't wait!

We're psyched too! Great interviews and some amazing stories.

Hi Gloria! How would you handle explaining to friends/family that you're living a kinky lifestyle and/or in a non-traditional relationship? I'd like to be honest with them if they ask, but at the same time, I don't want them to hear "BDSM" or "kinky" and think of the worst stereotypes.

My view is that other people only deserve as much info as you yourself are comfortable revealing. Some things are "need to know" -- if you're gay, you want family to accept your partner is same-sex or if you're poly that you have multiple partners. But when you get into kinkiness, it's trickier. Most of us don't stay in role around straight friends, or do so in discreet ways, and so questions may not always come up. Nor does the stuff we enjoy in private have anything to do with how we act in public. BDSMers tend to overshare; and a lot of times give in to other people's curiosity about kink. Your best bet is to decide with your partner what the two of you are really comfortable sharing, and then if and when people ask, sharing exactly that and no more.

Dear Dr Brame. I'm a big fan of yours. I wonder what you think of major publishers and their reluctance to publish much about older peoples' sex lives. Is it only because most older editors have been pushed aside for cheaper, more malleable younger editors? Or are the publishers, as usual, behind the times in recognizing what a powerful market we are?

I think you'll see more understanding from a group like AARP than the typical mainstream publisher, which hasn't even begun to tap into the aging boomer market yet. I agree with you that there is a growing market for sexually frank material aimed at older adults but I'm sure part of the problem is that younger editors are actually embarrassed by the idea that older people still have sex.

What makes you the "official Hero of the Sexual Revolution"?

I was selected for the honor by Exodus Trust some years back. It's an ongoing project in conjunction with the Museum of Erotic Heritage in Las Vegas. Also, I'm awesome. :)

what is your fondest memory from when you were a dominatrix?

Is this a trick question from someone I once dominated? :p

It is not :) it is an honest inquiry

There was a night at an SM club in NYC in '90s when I had two bi-possible, gender fluid submissive men -- one of whom was an extreme masochist, the other a transwoman-- who wanted to do EVERYTHING I wanted to do...and we did. It was a good night.

Is it legal to be a professional dominatrix? How can one sexually stimulate one's client without falling afoul of prostitution laws?

Laws on sex work vary from state to state so you need to find out what your local laws are. In Nevada, anything goes. That said, most pro doms advertise that they do not mix sexual contact with domination (i.e., they don't stimulate genitals to orgasm). Most femdoms never get busted; the ones that do are usually the ones who advertise sexual contact or attract legal attention because they set up shop in family neighborhoods.

Can you elaborate the part of no sexual climax? It seems like going to a strip club and copping a feel to get off alone later. I wouldn't be able to enjoy the experience without being finished off. I don't see the point if just being beaten.

Prodoms walk a very fine line between psychodrama and prostitution. There are no laws per se against putting someone in consensual bondage, or playing mind games or dress-up or role-play or pony play or any of the other myriad things a prodom may do during sessions. There are strict laws about sexual contact for money, however. Prodoms understand that clients often (but definitely not always) want relief at the end of a session. How they deal with that depends on their local laws to some degree, their level of comfort with the client (will he rat them out?), and their own attitudes about sex. If you want to get off at a session, it's something you are best off discussing at the time you make your appointment, so you know whether or not it's something she offers. Most commonly, prodoms will let you get yourself off (which is not illegal).

What is the most common sexual regret from the older crowd; things people wish they wish they could have done during that window of experimentation that generally gets forgiven as being young that they think they can't pursue as an older person?

Do you think there's a genuine and real "window of opportunity" that you have to fit these experiences into before it gets too difficult to break out your comfort zone?

Probably what older people regret most is that they did not experiment enough in their youths, didn't try enough different partners or explore their sexual fantasies. They feel like they compromised too much and grew to regret it. As you point out, a lot of people sink into a comfort zone (or, to be more honest, a rut) and are afraid to change. The good news, though, is that if you want a better sex life you can almost always (barring medical issues) have a better sex life, at any age, even when your body doesn't work like a healthy 21 year old's.

Can I work with/for you? I'm a graphic designer and web developer who is fascinated by human behavior and relationships. Seriously. I spend most my free time reading about and enjoying the sexual revolution, myself. I also do marketing strategy.

Send me email at [email protected] and we'll talk.

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If it's an option where you live, I recommend you pick the best local pro dungeon in your area and see if they would let you work as an apprentice or trainee. If they are willing, make sure the terms are clear and that you don't consent to stuff you're not comfortable with. If they are really sincere about the lifestyle, they will be able to mentor you on the things you need to know, from how to play certain roles, to how to avoid legal problems, to treating unusual requests with respect and understanding. Once you've had some mentoring, it's up to you to decide if you want to strike out on your own or find another commercial dungeon more to your liking.

Hi Dr. Brame! As someone who wants to get into the sex education field, what words of advice can you give me? Also, would you know of any accreditations that would further assist with making sex education an actual career choice?

First, it isn't lucrative, so making a career out of it depends on you being really scrappy. Second, you can get certified for it (I know that http://iashs.edu offers that training), so if you want accreditation as a sex educator it is available. But most people start out by joining a group that is already doing public outreach in sexuality, starting as a volunteer and learning through grass-roots activism. If you tell me what kind of sex ed you are specifically interested in (LGBT issues? reproductive sex issues?) maybe I could give you some ideas.

Mostly reproductive and/or outreach! I just want to teach people that it's ok to like something.

I recommend you check out the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture http://thefspc.org/ if you're on the West Coast, and the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health http://thecsph.org/our-staff if you're on the East. They both specialize in educational outreach, and welcome volunteers.

Receiving Oral Sex has always been something I've enjoyed, but for 13 years now, I have only ever been able to reach orgasm from it 4 times. Is there something wrong with me?

Goatbro got here faster but I'll back him up. Nothing is wrong with either of you, and there are plenty of men (i.e., it's "normal") who can't come that way. For some, it's just not enough sensation; for others, they really prefer another way to get off, even if they love the sensuality of oral. Some of it is also that jerking off gives you a taste for a particular way of coming. If you wanted to devote yourself to learning to come more from oral, you likely could. But why bother? You're fine as you are.

13 years being nervous about this. Thank you so much lifting a huge weight off my shoulders.

awwww HUGGZ

Do you, your man and your woman all share the same bedroom?

OMG no. We did when we first lived together (because of the cramped space we were in) but these days we luxuriate in separate bedrooms.

How do you deal with the abundance of poisonous bugs and reptiles?

Sometimes I run screaming from them like a girl. Occasionally, I hit them with something heavy. But usually, I make one of my partners deal with it while I go inside and post about it on FB.

hi! you have my dream job! i'm currently studying for my B.S. in psychology but hope to go on and get a master's in marriage and family counseling with an emphasis in sex therapy. i'd love to hear your responses to a couple of questions :)

• generally speaking, which do you think comes first: sexual problems in the bedroom or non-sexual problems in the rest of the marriage?

• what makes a couple and/or their situation difficult to counsel? how do you typically work through those issues?

• do you have any advice regarding job experiences i could pursue after i get my B.S. but before i get my master's? other than being an actual sex therapist, i feel like there's not much job potential in the field (but hopefully, i'm wrong!).

thanks in advance for answering any of my questions :)

EDIT: i thought of another one! what do you think about the current treatment of those suffering from pedophilia within the mental health field? do you think more effort should be made to get them the psychological help they need without automatically criminalizing them? or do you think that, since it is such a dangerous diagnosis, it's better to be safe than sorry?

To answer in order...

• I think problems in the bedroom spill over into a marriage and that problems in a marriage spill over into the bedroom. Where the problems originate depends on the people. Every couple has their own story.

• The toughest couples to counsel are the ones who say they are committed to the marriage but won't try new things or follow through on homework. Patient "non-compliance" is an issue in the medical and helping professions. Advice can't work if people won't act on it.

• You can try peer counseling and coaching, or you can try a small sexually-oriented business (selling merchandise). Most of us, though, do a ton of volunteer work, so finding paying jobs is really tough until you have an advanced degree.

OMG, you thought of another one! :) :)

I believe that people who harm children should be diagnosed as having an anti-social disorder. I wish our country paid more attention to mental health issues in general. I could rant about this for hours. On a scale of sex crimes, I place pedophiles near the top because to sexually harm a child is to take a piece of that child's life and destiny away. I don't believe our prison system is any kind of a solution to the problem but our culture doesn't offer any compassionate alternatives either.

Your lover has a magic wand that can transform your body in any way for one night, and will return you to normal at dawn. What is the sexiest transformation this person could bestow on you?

That would be the ability to have orgasms from different parts of my body. The hell with Deep Throat, I would love clits all over so I could come a thousand different ways. Just call me "the thing with a thousand clits" :D

Hi! I've read some of your books, and love how you express your sense of humor in your writing, my question is this: How difficult was it to write about your life experiences, good and bad alike, and keep your sense of humor shining through?

What's hard is revealing stuff I kept secret my whole life. I've spent most of my writing career writing about other people so this switch to personal transparency about my own cheerful depravity is intense. The humor is the easy part, since I can't help but laugh when I look back at some of the crazy shit I did.

As a young adult i get teased for being a virgin. Is it worth rushing sex to get it over with? Is it worth waiting for the right person? How do i know i found her? What is true love?

That isn't teasing. It's bullying. Your sex life and choices are your business, not a target for sexually insecure people. My advice is to wait until you yourself feel it's the right person and feel reasonably sure, in your own heart, that it's the right time. Be kind to yourself. There is no rulebook. It's all about what makes you feel whole.

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"A male such yourself" is still a male I don't know, so I can only offer some generic tips. So: a rubber cock ring at the base of the penis will keep you hard for as long as you want. If you tend to be quick on the trigger, try jerking off a couple of hours before the big event to reduce tension. You can also look into Tantric techniques for extending the pleasure by slowing down and/or taking breaks during love-making.

Vaginismus seems to be a little known problem amongst GYNs, is it more well known amongst sex therapists? From a therapy point of view, what should vaginismus patients be doing in addition to physical treatment?

It is a tough issue because the underlying causes are not always easy to understand and are seldom the result of medical problems. More commonly, IMX, it's the result of trauma, and the vagina has a muscle memory (even after the conscious mind may stop remembering). Therapeutically, it's important to work on the fear of penetration and to help women relearn (and relax about) sexual responses and touches.

What is your belief behind the origin of fetishes or S&M tendencies? Do you believe they're from early experiences or are we born with them?

I read a lot of medical science, so am guided more by facts than beliefs. The data overwhelmingly suggest that the origins of sexual identities are genetic. This doesn't mean that if you are born to be masochistic, for example, that you will necessary live that way as an adult. The other crucial piece of the human puzzle is environment (home, school, culture, etc.). The full picture of adult sexuality is very fluid and circumstantial: people may be born with tendencies they suppress because their religion told them to suppress it, for example; or they may end up in circumstances where they have sex of a type they didn't previously seek out (i.e., prison sex). It seems very obvious to me, from the clinical data, that people were born to be gay, lesbian, transgendered, sadomasochistic, fetishistic, and so on. As a therapist, it's also very obvious that most people never act on their true sexual needs and desires for a vast range of socio-religious reasons.

So Doctor... do you think women are often pretty cool with butt stuff?... cus I, uh..... am kinda really cool with butt stuff.

What makes people antsy about anal (female and male) is usually one of three things: believing it's sinful or wrong, fear that it will hurt, or germophobia. So if you meet an inhibited religious girl who's scared of germs, probably not, but most sex-positive people will at least want to try it to see how it feels.

In your estimation, how close are we to having long term reversible contraception for men?

Do you mean birth control for men in pill form, or do you mean reliably reversible vasectomies?

I mean vasalgel, or something like it: birth control that doesn't require a condom, that can be successfully reversed, and that doesn't result in the complete loss of sex drive.

I don't know of anything like it that is ready for FDA approval, and FDA approval in itself can take years. Sorry. :(

I started masturbating when I was 8-9 years old. Now I'm 15 and I'm doing it regularly. Was it a good time to start or I was a weird kid?

The right time to start masturbating is when it feels good. Maybe you matured early and were already entering puberty when you started, which would be normal. Liking self-pleasure doesn't make a person weird, regardless of their age. Even toddlers touch themselves.

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I don't know what her previous history means to you -- whether it makes you feel insecure, as if you're in competition with other people, or whether it makes her seem somehow less pure than you wish. To give you appropriate advice, can you tell me exactly what bothers you about it?

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Our poly household's a little different in that we are (all three) BDSMers. So it began (and remains) based on a power structure. I am the Queen (aye yes, it delights me to admit it). We're also all nerdy and pragmatic so it wasn't as hard as it is for more volatile temperaments. We had some bumps when we set up house together, adjusting to new rhythms and different ways of approaching problems or setting boundaries. And, for the first year or two, occasional anxiety over who got to spend more time with who, but it never got ugly. Overall, I think the success of our relationship as a triad is that we adapt and adjust and keep an open mind about almost everything. Some years there's more sex than others; some times, one of us has to do a lot of business travel or gets sick; sometimes I bring home a stranger :) We accommodate all changes. There's an intense loyalty here and also, well, we just love each other a LOT.

Hello. I'm not sure if you're the one to answer this but here it goes. I have a real problem that kind of doesn't allow me to have sex with women.. Every time I'm ready, condom on and everything I just blow my load after the first thrust. It's not like I'm so stimulated that I ejaculate of that, it just happens. I've tried these "endurance" training but it doesn't seem to work for my problem.

Have you heard of this before? Any tips? What can help?

Thank you! Amazing AMA

The name for that is premature ejaculation (which just means "coming before you want to come") and usually the orgasm isn't great for the man. Medical research shows that PE may be an inherited trait. Endurance training won't help (what?). I recommend you try masturbating beforehand so you aren't super hard when you start but have to build to it a little. Anything that takes the edge of anxiety will help, including a sip of wine. Some men use numbing spray (meh) to reduce sensation. Some men practice the "pinch" technique (during masturbation you stop yourself from coming by pinching the top of your glans and the peehole). There are other options and a session or two with a sex therapist who specializes in men's sexual issues could really help.

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First, let me start by saying you need to find a better sex therapist. No opening for a YEAR? Wow. That's almost cruel IMHO. OK, so by now, you probably realize that the problem is emotional. The most difficult aspect of uncovering the root cause is that the original trauma could have been something she may never remember (an accident or surgery as a toddler, or a molestation). However, a good sex therapist (v. a psychologist) will not compel her to dwell on what happened in the past but to focus on how she feels today, and guide her to develop new and better ways of coping. I once had a client who had chronic pain when her husband had sex with her in bed; but we discovered during therapy that she was able to have better sex in other places in their home. Why? Because she always felt extra tense in bed because of past bad memories. So a therapist may be able to figure out some pass-arounds and stress-management solutions to help her (and you, at this point) heal from this big bump in the marital road. Have faith -- I've done a lot of work in this area and these emotional obstacles can be overcome with love and patience.

I'm a 20 year old woman and started having sex a few months ago with my serious boyfriend. I like having sex, but it's sometimes painful when he penetrates, even when I do my best to be calm and relaxed or when we use tons of lube (I sometimes have trouble staying wet even though I'm in the mood). I've always assumed it's because I'm small, tight and relatively new at sex, but even after a few months, it's still painful. I've also never orgasmed during sex, though though he and I are both capable of getting the job done with our hands. So I have two questions: Is there a way to make the pain stop and is there a specific way we can make it so I orgasm during sex? We've tried varying positions to help with both issues, but have only seen minimal progress with the tightness problem. The GYN promised me I don't have anything wrong down there so what's up?

One of the most common reasons women are tight when men penetrate is simply because they didn't get enough foreplay from the guy to loosen them up. Female arousal is a slower process (physiologically) from male arousal. Instead of fillling a penis with blood, a woman's body fills the entire genital region with blood (one visible sign is puffiness in the labia). If you aren't wet and puffy you aren't fully aroused. If you aren't fully aroused, your vagina may be tight and dry. So first question: how much foreplay do you get and how do you respond to oral sex? (some women only cum from oral -- scientific fact!) There's also a performance anxiety factor in females: once a woman starts feeling pain there, she also may start anticipating and fearing pain, and, of course, that makes her tighten up even more, so that could be further complicating the situation for you.

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The only danger is the skin can get dry or irritated, depending on how vigorously you rub. Lube is a lovely and cheap luxury. It can enhance the experience while keeping your penis skin sweet and fresh. Isn't that what every man wants?

My gf won't let me do a facial

What's the best way to convince her: and since this is ask me anything

Have you ever done it, and how did it feel?

I don't believe in pushing people to do stuff they don't want to do. If she isn't into it, for her own reasons, it still won't be that ecstatic porn experience you're hoping for, but just a po'd girlfriend with cum on her face. I guess the real question is how she feels about your cum in general. Is she willing to swallow it?

Of course I've done it, esp. when I was young, pre-BDSM. Just another sensual variation.

There's been a lot of talk about "sex addiction" in movies and news these days. How common is this issue really, and what are some defining characteristics of someone with this condition?

A lot of talk but no evidence, is more like it. "Sex addiction" is not a legitimate diagnosis (according to the APA) and is a ridiculously over-used term to describe almost anyone who strays from the straight and narrow, including kinky people and people who love porn. The reason for a sex obsession is usually some underlying emotional issue --like poor self-control, or using sex to avoid real-life problems. It's a problem when sex takes precedence over other people, real-life relationships, and career responsibilities. Those are some of the hallmarks of an addiction. But it should never be used to label people who have a high libido or like a lot of varied sex.

Heya Dr. Brame, i have what id consider an unusual condition.. you can see everywhere for help with guys who feel they orgasm too quickly, or jokes about pre-mature ejaculations, but what about the guys on the other end of the spectrum? I am able to go for hours on end (literally, and need 0 recovery time to go right back into it so i guess im lucky that way) and want to know if you have any tips to speed myself up so i can actually finish before my partner gets sore from the hours of sex? also any tips for finding a condom that would fit a male with large girth that doesnt seem to fit into a magnum condom? i cannot seem to find any that are not too tight, and i think i have read somewhere that the FDA has a limit on the maximum sizes of condoms so i may just be out of luck finding one that fits?

If your condom feels too tight, it's possible you are not applying it correctly. You can try to buy condoms from the UK (larger than US brands), or visit a condom shop that offers them in a range of sizes, but really all condoms can fit most men. Stretch it out (holding it under the ring, using your fingers) until it is stretched wider than your head. Lower it slowly and unroll. Regarding your ability to go for hours, can you cum faster when you masturbate or do you literally need hours to cum every time? By the way, some men naturally take up to 40 to 60 minutes to come, it's not as rare as you might think.

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If indeed you've trained yourself to say no, then you will be able to untrain yourself when you are ready to say yes. Nothing is written in stone with sex, and it's very possible that when you finally know you can have all the sex you want with your partner, without guilt, you may quickly overcome your current inhibition. If you don't, drop me a line :)

Hi Gloria, you're kind of a hero of mine and I have followed your blog for the past few years (I'm a huge fan of the vintage pictures you sometimes put up!) I just wondered if you have a favourite image you've blogged at any point and why it's your favourite?

Ha! Yeah, my lawyer read me the riot act over my beloved vintage porn. So sad. It got me blocked all over the world. Felt like a badge of honor. So..wow, I posted thousands of pics. My favorites were the really early crazy stuff, like the photo from the late 19th century of a woman blowing into a tuba while her friend peed in someone's mouth. I still don't understand wtf it was about but obviously it imprinted on my brain because, well, I've just never seen anything quite like it! :)

Hi Gloria, My goal is to finish my Masters of Sexology to work with young people and help revolutionise sexual education in Australia. Do you think this is a viable/achievable career goal? Where should I start?

I encourage everyone entering the field to get all the experience they can through volunteering with non-profits who are already working on the specific issues that interest you. Is there an existing group or free clinic offering sex ed? If so, show up and see if you can work with them or at least start attending their events to learn how they do it. I believe the world desperately NEEDS sex educators -- but you may find the world doesn't share my belief. :) Don't be discouraged. It's not an easy path but it's incredibly rewarding.

I've (female) been an avid masturbator since I was six or seven, but ever since I entered my first sexual relationship, I've been unable to orgasm (with or without my partner). I know you answered a lost orgasm question for a woman who miscarried, but my relationship has been fantastic and not at all traumatic. Once in a blue moon I'll get a mild orgasm through masturbation, but it's very rare. How can I fix this?

Did you, by any chance, go on birth control when you entered this relationship? If so, it's possible it's lowering your libido.

I lost the orgasms way before I got on BC (no noticeable libido changes now that I'm on it) . No antidepressants either.

Since you've lost orgasmic function even when self-pleasuring, then I would strongly recommend you get screened by an endocrinologist (or possibly your gynecologist) to see if the problem is a change in your hormone levels. It's possible your underlying chemistry is depressing your sex drive, and that you'd benefit from hormone treatment. I'm assuming that you are under 40 and not menopausal, by the way, right?

As a self-described former "wild hippie-chile growing up in New York City", what is the best way to clean your hands between chopping jalapeños and fingering your partner?

With the right masochist, hand-cleaning is not necessary. ;)

Hi, I'm interested in becoming a sex therapist as well. I plan to apply to some programs. What advice would you offer to a new comer in the world of sex therapy? I do have some experience in research just none sexually based. Also side question about your personal life, how does your significant others feel about each other? Do they also interact in the bedroom?

First, you should know that within the world of sexology, there are lots of little worlds. There's the progressive front of individuals and non-profits working to change laws, working on Equality, and fighting for reproductive justice; and there's the more academic/scholarly side of the field. I recommend you look at the key professional organization for sexologists, AASECT http://www.aasect.org/ As for my SO's, my female partner is submissive to my male partner. They are as close and loving as you can imagine.

Have you seen the Steve Mcqeen film Shame.? Do you think it was an accurate depiction of sexual dysfunction?

I have not, so now it goes on my "to see" list. ah well. how does it depict sexual dysfunction?

I have no attachment to the question but am quite curious about your views on the subject.

What are your views on the non extreme ideologies (if you feel that's possible) of the "men's rights" movement, and do you feel masculine sexuality is repressed and/or overtly represented in the culture at large?

I'm glad you make the distinction. Some men's rights activists are misogynistic kooks. BUT...I do think men get victimized by culture in ways that the victims themselves don't recognize. The most depressing example is that men don't speak up when they're abused or mistreated; in fact, they usually won't accept that they are being abused because if they admitted to it, then they look weak. It breaks my heart. I think culture places completely unrealistic, anti-humanistic pressures and burdens on men. So do I believe in men's rights? Hell yes. But I don't blame women for men's problems (or men for women's problems): I blame culture, religion, politics for false teachings about the nature of masculinity and femininity.

When I was a child, maybe 5 or 6, I was pretty kinkily into tied up women, boots, leather, etc. I don't know that I can say that it was sexual per se, but I was definitely enthralled by thoughts or images of these things. As a man in my mid-30's now, I find these same things don't interest me anymore. I've often wondered about what changed for me and don't have an answer. I'm wondering if a) it's common for children that young to be attracted to sexual things even before they really know what sex is, and b) assuming that what we're attracted to is largely out of our control, is it common for someone's fetishistic attractions (for lack of a better term) to just go away?

The last: just like libido waxes and wanes, or who turns you on sexually tends to morph throughout life, so too may erotic fascinations. I wouldn't label it a fetish in a five year old, I wouldn't even label it fully sexual. At that age, you don't have the hormones to give you adult sexual feelings -- that's what puberty is all about. So it doesn't surprise me that something that turned you on at five would not work for you now (I crushed big on Superman as a kid but these days prefer people don't wear tights and a cape to bed. well, not every night, anyway) :)

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Ask your boyfriend how he'd feel if you never made him cum? Would he still want to be your boyfriend? Then ask yourself why you are with someone who doesn't take your needs seriously? I think you know the answer, honey. hugs

Hello Doctor,

I don't know if you can help me with this or not, but I am on a few drugs that have impacted my sexual life. Citalopram for anxiety (mild anxiety) and Gabapentin for back pain, which is also used for anxiety, but I am on it for nerve pain (bad back). However both of these drugs make it hard for me to concentrate during sex, my mind just wanders and I am unable to orgasm. Sex has dwindled to almost nothing at a time (before the Citalopram) when my wife was asking for more. My wife feels bad if the fun is just for her and feels bad when she can't get me off. Masturbation fails about 3/4s of the time too.

At a recent checkup (prostate is just fine I now know), I asked my doctor about it and said I have problems orgasming since the anxiety drug. She just said "Yup, that'll do that".

Do you have any advice on making this better? Is this something I can just push my way through, just keep trying to have sex all the time and maybe my body will realise I'm supposed to orgasm properly again? I'm in a very unhappy place about this and my wife has been very supportive and understanding, but I want her to be satisfied too. She will not masturbate alone either, if she does it we have done it together, she will never do it just by herself. I have tried encouraging her, but she just does not do it.

I'm not and MD so can't speak to those drugs but it sounds like a side effect of the anxiety med (or that cocktail) is paradoxical excitement that makes your mind race, yes? This is not a sex problem per se but an issue with managing your racing thoughts. I guess with back issues, you are unable to do have work-outs; have you ever tried meditating or counting breaths? You can also try visualization exercises (where you sit still and try to visualize a landscape). And, pardon me for asking...but have you ever tried bondage?

I guess with back issues, you are unable to do have work-outs;

Not in the normal sense no. I am doing core muscle exercises. But that is doing things like kegels and activating muscles deep inside we normally do not think about. Its pretty difficult to get right. We have a massage table that my wife gives me massages on each night, basically so there are not so many knots in my back and I am able to be at work for eight hours.

have you ever tried meditating or counting breaths? You can also try visualization exercises (where you sit still and try to visualize a landscape).

Not meditation as such no. At times I do try and relax each muscle as much as I can. Some days are more successful than others. It is probably something both my wife & I should try out.

And, pardon me for asking...but have you ever tried bondage?

No pardons needed! I have not in any sort of long standing sense. I have gone to some BDSM parties and I used to be friends with a Dominatrix until I moved away. But that was 20 years back. We do have a mattress bondage set we bought from stockroom.com. A few other things too, but nothing in any sort of large way.

My wife & I are nudists and have gone to Desire resort in Cancun. Does that count for anything? lol

LOL! OK, then. So here's my advice. First, the exercises you're doing don't really control heart rate. So if aerobics/cardio are off the menu, the next best thing is learning to control your heartbeat the soft way (i.e., yoga practice). Calming your heart and oxygenating your blood will help clear your mind and improve your ability to focus. Next, since you sound like a deliciously hedonistic human, I recommend you try a couple of kinky experiments in bed. Things like bondage (gentle's fine) or intense physical sensation (think nipple clamps) force the mind to focus on what's happening. Couple it with sex and it might help turn things around for you.

the next best thing is learning to control your heartbeat the soft way (i.e., yoga practice). Calming your heart and oxygenating your blood will help clear your mind and improve your ability to focus.

One of the exercises I am supposed to be doing (but haven't been doing this one much sadly) is chest breathing. Because of my disability (scoliosis), and having to wear a brace when I was younger, I breathe from the stomach and I was told to concentrate on the chest breathing. Is this the type of thing you are talking about?

I took a Tantra lesson (I should have gone for more than one) a long time ago and I remember her saying that stomach breathing is what is most desired. Is yoga practice the same thing?

Next, since you sound like a deliciously hedonistic human,

Well I try. lol

I recommend you try a couple of kinky experiments in bed. Things like bondage (gentle's fine) or intense physical sensation (think nipple clamps) force the mind to focus on what's happening. Couple it with sex and it might help turn things around for you.

I will talk to the wife about that, thank you. :)

Thank you for all your advice and help as well! You are giving me some great help!

I mean filling your lungs to capacity and then slowly exhaling in a regular (slow) rhythm. Called regulated breathing or pranayama. This article should help http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

Sometimes I feel sick while thinking of sex .. Sometimes right in the middle of doing it, often when touching my boobs for too long. It's a feeling like .. I don't know. A little dizzy and almost dissociating .. Where is this coming from?

I am very sorry to hear it. Do you know if you've had trauma in your past?

There is absolutely nothing I can remember. I grew up really protected. But I show "typical signs" of some trauma, like panic attacks, dissociation and stuff.

Sometimes you have to be deductive: if you have a lot of symptoms of past trauma, you likely had past trauma. I'll also add that it didn't have to be sexual in nature (like a rape or molestation) but some other terrible association with that part of your body (a bad fall, for example). If something bad happened before you had verbal skills, you may never be able to remember it consciously, even though your body may still retain the memory in its responses to stress (the panic and dissociation) and the disgust with your breasts. One last question: have you ever felt that you aren't in the "right" body?

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You can change this by changing yourself, because he is not going to change. He's already drawn his line in the sand. Where will you draw yours? Why are you putting up with someone who doesn't care about your happiness in bed?

Hi Gloria, my partner is in the army, and I moved cities to be with him (we have been together for 3 years) we are going through a stage where he isn't interested in having sex with me. Or he says he wants to, but is always tired. I am literally on top of him, and he says no. Do you think this is an issue with Us... or could there be something else going on? It really hurts to be denied so many times... and sex is something I really need in a relationship. This has been happening for a year. He will happily accept BJs from me... but just doesnt want sex. I am so confused!

There are many different reasons why people make certain sexual choices, and I can't diagnose anyone without speaking with them in depth. But I will say that if he only wants bj's, not intercourse and isn't giving you any satisfaction or showing any interest in your vagina, then he is ambivalent about you and possibly about females in general. I recommend you confront him about his ambivalence.

I stumbled on your website so long ago I'm not even sure what year it was, or even decade. It traveled through reinstalls and browser changes in my favorites. I really miss it the old blog picture format and the content. It was one of the few places I found nudity in a good clean fun sort of way. (Edit: and your commentary was fun!) And above all respectful. I really enjoyed the old photos.

So my question is, any recommendations for a site like your blog used to be?

PS: enjoyed your proof GIF!

Wow, thanks for that :) It's gotten hard to find great picture blogs because most people have moved to tumblr. If you know your way around tumblr, though, you can locate many brilliant collections of vintage softcore porn across all interests.

Why do some women enjoy anal sex and others don't?

For the same reason some people enjoy cheesecake and others don't. There is no one sex act that ALL people love. Everyone's wired a little differently, not just emotionally but physically, right down to nerve clusters throughout the perineum.

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If he is being treated for the depression, and it's the medicine causing his lack of libido, ask him to ask his doctor if they could prescribe something that won't kill his libido. If he is not being treated, or refuses to be treated, then chances are nothing will change and he will remain sexless for years to come. My advice: if sex matters to you (and I hope it does), find someone who can give you the intimacy you want. hug good luck

Three antidepressants ago, I found myself with ejaculatory anhedonia. I switched meds, went off meds altogether for 2 months, and am now on a different class, but the lack of sensation when having an orgasm has persisted. Is there anything that can be done about this? Does it fix itself over time? Or is it likely to be permanent?

Can you give me a little more info on your experience? Are you feeling psychologically dissociated during orgasms? Also, can you tell me which specific drug you think had this effect on you?

I think it was Paxil, I was taking at the time. There's nothing psychologically out of the ordinary going on. Everything seems to be going along normally, until I start to have an orgasm. At which point, the sensations just stop and it's entirely anticlimactic.

Things feel normal building up to the point of being about to have an orgasm, but then when it starts to happen, it's like the feelings just stop and I don't feel anything.

Paxil definitely has weird effects on orgasmic function for everyone, though when it works well, people adjust and get function back. Unfortunately, it doesn't work well for everyone. So... If you could talk to a psychopharmacologist (not nec. a psychiatrist) they might be able to tell whether you had a rare reaction to the drug, and if that reaction can be reversed. If nothing has changed in your emotional landscape (no big break-ups or depressing events) to cause this issue, then I strongly urge you to go back to the prescribing doctor and complain. Loudly. Meanwhile, though I know it is small consolation, please know that chances are it will come back eventually. Don't know if you're a candidate, but Wellbutrin's the anti-depressant of choice when it comes to keeping your libido perky.

How many hotdogs do you think you could fit into your mouth at once?

This is one of those times when size matters. For example, is it a foot-long or a cocktail weenie?

Hmm.. Let's go foot-long's, and why not make one of 'em a chili cheese dog.

I'm already gagging.

Have you ever had sex?

Me and your dad got it on one time

Do you refer to yourself as Dr because you genuinely believe you deserve the title, or because it helps you promote yourself better?

I earned my Ph.D. through hard effort, like any other grad student, conducted a huge demographic survey and published a book (Come Hither) as my dissertation. Before I went to IASHS, I was graduated from Columbia U with an MA in English, and taught English at Hofstra, NYU and CUNY. I've lectured at Brandeis, Widener, and elsewhere. I'm good with you asking about my academic credentials -- or you could just look 'em up. BTW IASHS was accredited when I studied there. I was granted the Ph.D. in 2000.