By unpopular demand, here we go. Proof:

Edit: Hey guys, it's been fun, but I'll have to take off soon. I'll try to answer questions on my phone, but they won't be as many as I've been answering...sorry.

Edit 2: I have not, and will not, answer any more questions pertaining to Paul Blart. Come on people, really?

Edit 3: Alright guys, I've got to step away from my computer and my phone, I'll answer the last few questions that are trickling in in about an hour or so.

Final Edit: Thank you all for showing such an interest and asking such good questions. I dub this AMA a success! I'll still continue to answer questions to the best of my ability if you have them.

Comments: 2601 • Responses: 79  • Date: 

Memeori1187 karma

  1. Are you physically fit?

  2. Best story?

  3. How large of a mall?

  4. How often are you mocked by pestilent teens?

Killer_Brig1745 karma

  1. I used to be muscular from working construction, but I let my fat build up over top of it. I'm strong, but not built. So no.

  2. That's pretty ambiguous, let me get back to you.

  3. It's an outlet mall, it's got eight aisles. Big, but not huge.

  4. Every day man. Every. Single. Day.

Memeori762 karma

Revised version of #2: Most satisfying shop lifting bust?

Killer_Brig1365 karma

Ah yes, we get a lot of reports of shoplifting, but I can't really do anything about it except ask the person to leave if I see them, and that's a big if.

Anyway, one day Maurice's calls and says they and about six other stores have been hit by a group of shoplifters. They ask me what they should do, and I tell them to call the police.

The police arrive and stop this woman in the McDonald's parking lot and get $1800 worth of stolen clothing out of her car. That was a good day.

mishkahunger532 karma

Crazy old Maurice...

Killer_Brig389 karma

It's a women's clothing store.

Snuffy1717225 karma

Guess that whole inventing thing didn't work out so well...

Killer_Brig363 karma

For those who don't get it.

Noltonn507 karma

Every day man. Every. Single. Day.

Seriously? My supermarket has a "cop", basically a bouncer. Nobody will fuck with that guy. He's big, he's black, and he'll fuck you up. We once grabbed a pack of cigs ourselves and put them on by the till and the guy swooped down and had us pissing ourselves just saying the words "Don't do that again".

TL;DR: Be more black.

Killer_Brig750 karma

I'm white. Very white.

piersfleming1030 karma

This could very well be the most mildly interesting AMA to date. Thank you

Killer_Brig1313 karma

I do subscribe to mildly interesting...

bozzwtf1023 karma


Killer_Brig1642 karma

I appreciate that man, most people don't have any respect for me.

Alright maggots, who gave me gold? I secretly love you.

rexexplovious768 karma

What do you think of the mall cop from Atlanta, GA that was releasing videos of his altercations with customers?

Killer_Brig1336 karma

That guy took his job too seriously.

sayfray550 karma

Former mallcop here. Still working security. What is the most ludicrous thing a tenant (shop) has called and wanted assistance with? I was once called to a store because the shop keepers were getting harassed by prank calls. Definitely not within my realm of responsibility as their telephones are contracted with the cable company and not the mall. They were insistent on me filing a report though.

Killer_Brig633 karma

To be honest with you I get more harassment out of the management than I do the stores. I've made friends with a lot of the store's workers so they know not to call me unless it's an emergency, and I've trained them to call the police first, then call me. Makes the whole thing much easier.

meinsla178 karma

If you're only contacted in the event of an emergency, and in the event of an emergency people are instructed to contact police, I am a bit curious as to what your purpose is as a mall cop in general.

Killer_Brig560 karma

To give the appearance of safety and to help out lost customers.

Magnum45496 karma

Does the mall you work in have gang issues, like a lot of malls?

What's the worst gang related situation you've had to deal with, alone, or with backup?

Killer_Brig831 karma

We have zero gang issues. We're in the middle of (edit) Bumfuck (/edit) nowhere, there just isn't a town nearby to support any sort of gang activity.

tmor6375 karma


Stack_That_Cheese168 karma

No its probably the tittieeeeees

Killer_Brig507 karma


Not_Cobra_2109473 karma

You're doing a great job replying in this AMA. Way to go, OP.

Killer_Brig534 karma

I do try.

jimbert384 karma

How do the police treat you when they're called to address a situation? Do they treat you well or is it like you're second string?

Killer_Brig754 karma

I was actually surprised the last time they came out, someone's car had gotten broken into and these people had lost everything. They had stuff from their business in their vehicle that was taken, along with a sleep apnea machine. The cops treated me like an equal and let me talk to the people and comfort them. Damn I felt bad for those people. They were so close to the end of their trip too...

jimbert214 karma

If you were surprised by this last positive experience, are you saying that they're normally jerks?

Killer_Brig370 karma

Well that was a rather serious situation, so I was glad they were so cool and calm with me.

USAFMike364 karma

Ever caught anyone gettin it on?

Killer_Brig885 karma

The scene is a dark mall, an hour after closing, I'm making my closing rounds making sure no one is out and about but the maintenance folks and myself.

I round the corner in front of Old Navy, and there they are. Two young people passionately making out against a pillar. I tap the guy on the shoulder and say it's past closing. He apologizes and they giggle and walk away.

FrankenPC677 karma

Proper procedure if you want to ensure they never come back: "Hey it's past closing time. Lets take this back to my office"

Warjec29 karma

Just for future reference, you were too close to the person. Never touch anyone and keep at least a six foot barrier between you and them.

Killer_Brig100 karma

Oh come now.

trafficmallard19 karma

Why? He didn't.

Killer_Brig30 karma


Cidthekidd347 karma

Have you ever been called imitation bacon?!?

Killer_Brig437 karma

This is the first time.

ballplay3289 karma

what is the worse situation you have ever had?

Killer_Brig553 karma

With a customer?

I once had a guy walking around talking to himself, waving his arms at random people, generally spouting nonsense. It's not within my power to physically remove him from the mall, but I had to follow this guy around all day. (the mall itself is in the middle of nowhere, we don't get a lot of incidents with customers normally.)

krivall315 karma

This is what I'm picturing. Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizens arrest - Paul Blart.

And as a follow up. Do you ride Segways?

Killer_Brig455 karma

We have a golf cart we patrol the parking lot with when we're busy, but no Segways.

IngwazK333 karma

man...I can just imagine the high speed chase against gramgram

Killer_Brig1007 karma

Hell yeah man, the maintenance people have a faster golf cart than I do. So they frequently pass me. It makes me sad.

cold_toast138 karma

Does it have sirens on top?

Killer_Brig251 karma


NightMgr112 karma

Do you sometimes make siren sounds when you drive?

Killer_Brig422 karma

No, but I do a killer sad trombone sound.

Killer_Brig128 karma

That's pretty much exactly what I sound like.

scrizewly94 karma

It's not within my power to physically remove him from the mall

So what's the point of being there then? I'd suggest you make a plea to the mall to require and pay for you to get your states Peace Officer Certification so you can be able to enforce the laws/rules that you currently can not.

Killer_Brig143 karma

That's the company's policy. The security company I mean.

scrizewly51 karma

Liability, I'm sure, but it's severely prohibiting you to perform a function of your job. The malls/outlets back where I live all have state certified Peace Officers and can fully enforce the laws of the state and municipality. The only thing they can't do is escort to a jail, which has to be done by a local LEO. Although I would imagine if the company required you to be a state certified Peace Officer they'd have to pay you more and I doubt that would happen. Security companies are very large penny pinchers.

Killer_Brig159 karma

Oh I don't disagree with you, but I refuse to try to change an entire company's setup. That's far too much work for as little as they care about me.

wearplaid3 karma

TIL if I want to divert attention to another part of a mall for the purposes of conducting a mischievous scheme, I get someone to walk around talking to himself, waving his arms at random people, and generally spouting nonsense.

Killer_Brig3 karma

It concerned the customers that were there, but the rest of the mall was pretty empty. So I didn't have anything else to do.

Kugz279 karma

I don't think we have Mall Cops in Australia, what would be the best way to describe your job position?

Killer_Brig1171 karma

I walk around the mall creating the illusion of security to make the customers feel more at ease. That's pretty much it.

whatsongamiplaying267 karma

OK, if you tell me to do something and I refuse, what can you do? Can I get in any serious trouble if I completely ignore your requests?

Killer_Brig881 karma

I mean you can get "banned from the mall" by management. Which means none of the stores will sell anything to you and they'll call the cops if what got you banned was something serious.

If you totally ignore my requests I'll just ignore you. If you get raped by that cute little family of geese out by the drainage pond you're shit out of luck.

dragonfyre4269479 karma

If you totally ignore my requests I'll just ignore you. If you get raped by that cute little family of geese out by the drainage pond you're shit out of luck.

Coolest Mall Cop ever.

Killer_Brig377 karma

Aww gee. How sweet.

SithLordDave253 karma


Killer_Brig699 karma

Hey man, finding everything alright?

Oh the bathrooms?

Over by Nike.

travisthefairy306 karma

Where's Nike? I'm lost. MOM?

Killer_Brig449 karma

Ugh. okay, look at my map, see we're on aisle three.

Nike is five aisles over.

Here, take the map, it's okay.

chronpaul245 karma

Why don't you become a librarian? Move to another city asap, mall cop sounds like it isn't worth the shit you get

Killer_Brig341 karma

I tried to get on at several libraries, including one of the biggest in the country when I lived near it, they just aren't hiring anything permanent.

And moreover, I can't afford to do an unpaid internship anymore. I've got bills man, this job pays them pretty well...

chronpaul217 karma

You could work as a librarian for a school system, I picked up a job working at an elementary school here in Texas and it was cool, background check and two weeks of training. Just pop online and find some in cities near you. You shouldn't be afriad to move if you are unhappy with your current job

Killer_Brig374 karma

I do live near a big school system...I'll have to check into that. Thanks man.

CollegeBroski225 karma

If there was a zombie apocalypse would you hide at the mall? and what would your first choice of weapon be?

Killer_Brig320 karma

Yes I would. The roof access is by ladder only, and I don't think zombies can climb ladders. Does the weapon have to be from the mall itself or can it be anything?

Tallapoosa_Snu195 karma

I'll follow up. Definitely something from the mall. This is one of those "oh shit the zombies suddenly showed up" situations. And to mix it up a little, lets assume the zombies can slowly climb ladders, but not quickly, and there's only one ladder. Think zombie ladder defense.

Killer_Brig483 karma

The ladders have lockable covers so you can't climb them. My weapon would probably be the flammable perfumes. I'd make them into Molotov cocktails and burn the fuckers from the roof.

sencinitas174 karma

Would not have thought of this, really clever.

Killer_Brig294 karma

Those stores reek. It's hard to forget them.

Tallapoosa_Snu95 karma

but long term, you're gonna run out of perfumes. I would have gone with blunt object. But I'm not the mall cop here.

Killer_Brig221 karma

We've got three perfume stores. I could go for several weeks probably.

LVenemy205 karma

how much does the pay suck ? do you get benefits?

Killer_Brig477 karma

I get about $9.25 an hour. Zero benefits. They keep me just under forty hours a week so I don't get any.

brandonsurge366 karma

Sucks doesn't it? I'm former USAF, 23 years old, making $9 an hour working as a ramp agent, 32 hours a week, no benefits, so I can totally relate. I saw a mall cop a few months back looking really down, so I treated him to lunch at the food court. I hope that helped cheer him up a bit.

Killer_Brig322 karma

That's really awesome of you. Keep being excellent.

BigHosMoney203 karma

Are teenagers really the worst, or is that just a stereotype?

Killer_Brig466 karma

Groups of teenagers are the worst. If you get two or three of them it's fine, but when they begin to congregate they get loud and normally they're rude to the rest of the customers.

Deradius27 karma

So how do you handle this?

Let's say an elderly lady complains to you that a bunch of hooligans are "causing problems" (nothing more specific than that).

It's a bunch of sixteen year olds being loud. One of them is throwing some french fries at another one sitting a couple of tables away.

Another one is a young male chasing a female in circles through the food court, laughing like a maniac.

They all seem to know each other.

I'm assuming you make contact? Let's say if you ask them to keep it down (I don't know if you would do that).

They laugh, say, "Sure," and as you turn to walk away, a french fry hits you in the back of the head.

They all laugh.

They don't seem to be changing their behavior.

What do you do?

Leave them alone? (Now the old lady's going to be mad.)

Do you call the cops?

Call management and get the trespassed?

Killer_Brig46 karma

In that situation, I'd call management, and have them come and deal with it. Those women in upper management treat everyone like a teenager, so they'd deal with it better than I would. I'd probably join them in the foodfight, or take all their food and throw it away if they were jerks.

Iron-Manatee189 karma

Have you ever come through a situation where you had to use physical force on someone you didn't want to? An old lady, a hot woman, etc.

Killer_Brig356 karma

It's actually against my job description to use physical force unless I'm protecting myself.

If someone needs removed from the mall I have to call the cops, preferably I get a customer to call the cops so the person being removed can't sue either me, the mall, or my security company.

Iron-Manatee217 karma

I never knew that! So you're like a security messenger.
I can see why that wouldn't be a nice title.

Killer_Brig463 karma

I'm more of a customer service representative than I am security guard.

NightMgr77 karma

What about protection of a 3rd party? If you witness some guy beating a child, are you to watch or are you allowed to intervene?

Killer_Brig249 karma

In that case it's at my own discretion, if I get hurt they probably won't give me any help for doctor bills. I personally would step in and beat the shit out of someone hitting a kid or anyone that couldn't fight back.

JacksMask187 karma

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Are you a tragically stereotypical failed cop?

Killer_Brig470 karma

I wanted to be a librarian. I still want to be a librarian, it's just hard to get into the field since most people will tell you it's dying fast.

TheoreticalFunk80 karma

It's dying because of the dinosaurs who run the places. If you had to completely reinvent the local library, what would you do? Put together a proposal and shop it around to communities. People want libraries, they just don't think they are effective. Worst case scenario, they say no.

Killer_Brig264 karma

I don't have that kind of know how though. I just want to work with books and help people discover reading.

PiggyBunnie173 karma

Do they ever have you so stuff ouy of your job description? My husband would get asked to walk girls to their cars because of stalkers or crazy exes. On a side note, you sound like my husband. He was a security guard at a college (and pretty much all over depending on where they sent him) and then got hired as a park ranger at a zoo. I feel like we'd be buddies, I'll make the pizza bites and the lasagna while you take out the trash and watch Scrubs.

Killer_Brig235 karma

Pizza bites? Fuck yeah, we're soul mates.

MattAmoroso171 karma

At the only mall near me, the mall cop vehicles in the parking lot have green lights on the top. Green means go, right?

Killer_Brig273 karma

The light on my vehicle is yellow.

ComradeOj133 karma

Do you bring your own lunch, or eat at the food court?

Killer_Brig184 karma

Depends on the day. If I've cooked the day before I'll eat leftovers. If I didn't I'll either eat at the food court or I'll go to one of the fast food places out in front of the mall.

iansharam116 karma

How much training did you do before getting the job?

Killer_Brig232 karma

My training was: "read this, and sign it." Along with a bit of walking around with the director of security to show me where everything was.

TheGreatJeremy108 karma

Paul Blart?

Killer_Brig260 karma

I can neither confirm nor deny.

mistsofobscurity107 karma

Do you enjoy your job? Does it ever give you a false sense of authority? I've met a few mall cops who are total dicks and believe they are one step below the police, without the badge of course.

Killer_Brig199 karma

I enjoy my job when I'm left alone to do it. When the managers start meddling it becomes tedious. I don't feel any authority about my position. As a sidenote though, I do have a badge.

IAMA_dragon-AMA97 karma

How frequently are you ridiculed by people?

Do you ever interact with people with a "Fuck da po-po" attitude?

Edit: Thanks for doing this AMA; it's nice to see the part of reddit that actually respects cops.

Killer_Brig154 karma

I only ever get ridiculed if I happen to wear my uniform outside of work. Like if I get something to eat after work a lot of teens will poke fun at me, but some people say they feel more secure with someone that looks like a cop around.

Regathion88 karma

Do you have a moustache? If not, do you wish to grow a moustache?

Killer_Brig153 karma

I don't have a moustache, as a standard officer I'm not supposed to have facial hair. The director has a moustache though.

PeepsEasy76 karma

Ahh, so your seniority as a mall security officer is based off your facial hair? Interesting...

Killer_Brig110 karma


IPromiseImRussian71 karma

How many mallcops work at your mall in total? Is that mall your only jurisdiction or do you patrol elsewhere too?

Killer_Brig106 karma

We have a total of five counting the director. I only work at the mall.

Killer_Brig173 karma

The only reason a cop/officer would ever try and take a camera is to cover their own asses. Fuck people like that.

slaggie60 karma

Are you physically intimidating? Are there any physical requirements to the job?

Killer_Brig110 karma

Not normally, I'm normally a big cuddly guy, but I can be intimidating if I have to.

slaggie47 karma

What's your height? Do you think it would be possible for a short guy to work as a security patrol?

Killer_Brig109 karma

I'm about 5' 11". I don't see why not, we've got an older lady who's about 5' 2" that works on the weekends.

VivaLaVodkaa46 karma

What kind of equipment do you carry around? That one mall cop in Atlanta had a taser, do you get anything of the sort? Or do you simply get a flashlight, basic equipment to get the job done, etc.?

Killer_Brig68 karma

I've got a flashlight, a radio, a set of keys, a work phone, and a notepad and pen. I don't really carry anything else.

Minfa29 karma

How many dozens of jelly filled donuts do you consume on a daily basis?

Killer_Brig80 karma

I don't eat any doughnuts on the job, I do enjoy jelly doughnuts though...

rstar2t27 karma

Which way to the bathrooms?

Killer_Brig43 karma

Well the closest one from here is the food court.

Food court.

You see the big sign above that big building over there that says food court?

That one.

also happy cake day

te1722 karma

Ever met any celebrities in your mall?

Killer_Brig68 karma

Nope. We're too far off the beaten path. In bumfuck nowhere.

Doodlezz22 karma

whats your biggest bust?

HelpDeskHeroes11 karma

Have you ever had to deal with a male flashing random female customers? How did you handle the situation?

Killer_Brig17 karma

Nope. No flashing going on here.

Nihilistic9457 karma

when I was a teen, my friends and I used to fuck with the mall cops a lot. I just want to say I'm sorry and now that I'm older I realize how hard it was for them not to just beat us to death in the stair well. I couldn't be a mall cop.

Killer_Brig19 karma

Everyone was a jerk teen once. No need to apologize.

TheAlbanianDuck4 karma

Are you fat and ride around the mall in a segway?

Killer_Brig14 karma

Fat yes, segway no.

TheAlbanianDuck5 karma

Get one. Then you could be the guy from Mall Cop

Killer_Brig12 karma

I don't have the money for that.

cuzzard3 karma

ever fuck shoplifters to let them free?

Killer_Brig23 karma

Hell no, we only get white trash women and their husbands stealing from us. I wouldn't touch that with a twelve foot pole. Ick.

veniced2 karma

Do you have a dispatcher or does someone just call your cell phone if they need you?

Killer_Brig3 karma

They just call my cell phone, we're too small to have a dispatcher. This isn't mall of america.

Phreak26002 karma

Is it worth it? Are you doing this job because you plan to go into law enforcement in the future?

Killer_Brig7 karma

I probably will not get into law enforcement.

[deleted]1 karma


Killer_Brig18 karma

I'm not really the type to pick up fifteen year olds shopping with their parents...

[deleted]1 karma


Killer_Brig8 karma

I only did it because people asked me to.