I am a sex therapist...ask me anything!

Can I study to become a "sex architect" at your school?

I wish I could "like" comments, because this gave me a good giggle! I love "How I met your mother" too funny! :)

Why is it that when I ask my wife "wanna do it?" She tells me that is a turn off but every time I try doing anything to try to get things going she immediately tells me she knows what I am trying to do, well no shit, oh and surprise sex is a no go she gets mad real quick.

You're definitely in a bit of a situation! If she's telling you it's a turn off when you ask her if she wants to have sex, but then an argument starts when you try and be spontaneous, there really isn't any way to win, is there?

I'd say you and your wife really need to sit down and discuss this issue. Simply ask her what she wants...does she want you to ask, or does she want it to be spontaneous?

You can also try setting aside some "fun time" every week...that is, an hour or two just for the two of you to spend together. It doesn't just have to include sex, but it can if you both want it to. Focus on the emotional connection too, talk about your week, your goals, your relationship etc. and you'd be surprised how much closer the two of you will feel!

If nothing helps this situation, feel free to message me on my website!

I have extreme intimacy issues. I've been cheated on in the past, I was sexually assaulted when I was a child. I've been in, and out of therapy from the time I first reported the assault in 6th grade. My question is this, what's your favorite color? and, as a follow up, why?

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. Life can be harsh, and even cruel at times, but you should be proud of yourself for pushing through all the challenges you've been faced with. Feel free to message me privately on my website (listed above) if you want to discuss this further.

Also, I have two favourite colours: Emerald green (reminds me of being outdoors in summer), and purple (I just like it). :)

There is an emerging practice called Emotional Brain Training. It basically encourages you to retrain your brain to associate those bad emotions (which are instimctual from previos experiences) with healthier ways to deal with them. Basically, retraining your brain, and thus, not associating those instances with your intamacy with others.

Emotional Brain Training is definitely one way to deal with issues relating to intimacy, relationships etc. It does appear to be a relatively new practice, and it will be interesting to see the long term results!

They're also using it with nutrition (I'm a registered dietitian).

Very cool! I now know what I'll be researching tonight! :)

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Maintaining the spark in a relationship is always hard to do, but especially if one partner craves more sexual intimacy than the other! I completely understand where you're coming from, and it's not fair to you to only expect lots of sex when he's intoxicated (and let's face it, being sober when someone is drunk makes you feel like a babysitter at times!)

If you're comfortable with this idea, I personally would go on an x-rated shopping trip...let him help you pick out some new toys, lingerie, etc. and tell him how much you would LOVE him to help you break in your new purchases!

Ideally you would love for him to always be ready to give a helping hand (pun intended), however, the bonus of buying a few sex toys are that you can always have some fun alone as well!

He could also be experiencing a change in hormones (men, like women, go through periods where their hormone levels change as they age). If you find this problem is continuing, I would try seeing a therapist face-to-face to help work out any underlying issues (perhaps work or family issues are distracting him?), or perhaps have him visit a doctor for a physical and to explain the situation.

Hope this helps a little!

Haha, trust me, I'm fully loaded in the sex toy department. We're bdsm-ers, which is part of why the no-libido thing has thrown me for such a loop! I've been trying to get him to go to a doctor and get his hormone levels checked - here's one more vote for that option! Thanks for replying!

Gottcha! Well in that case, I'd recommend to either go for a doctors visit (which yes, can be hard to convince someone to do), or set up in-person therapy sessions (there's only so much I can do online without knowing both your histories etc etc).

Sorry, and if anything else comes up, feel free to ask me anything!

Why did you decide to become a sex therapist?

Do you have any unusual kinks?

Believe it or not, I went to University with the intention of becoming an English major! But, (through my own experience and watching my friends), I started to think it was really interesting learning about why people are attracted to each other, what attracts them, and what causes relationships to fail! I then took my first "intro to human sexuality" class, and after that I switched my major and focused all my assignments and research on couples therapy and sexuality! (Quite the change from English!)

I think a lot of people have some kinks...but what one person considers a kink, might be completely "vanilla" (normal/plain/boring) for someone else! I try to keep an open mind when it comes to trying new things! :)

How frequently do you deal with religious issues?

Religion and sex/sexuality has always been a hot topic, especially in today's society!

I know there are many therapists who study at religion-specific schools, in order to help clients deal with their issues from a religious perspective! I usually do not deal with topics from a religious standpoint. I have, however, done a lot of research on different religions and their beliefs when it comes to sex/sexuality.

The biggest religious issues tends to be people conflicted between their religion and their sex/sexuality.

My gf of 10 years has never masturbated, has little to no sex drive and is quite "vanilla" in bed. However on the occasions we do have sex she loves it.

I'm almost the opposite, is there any way of getting her to open up a bit more or will I just have to get used to this. I'm not expecting her to be going to orgies or swingers clubs with me just to maybe meet me in the middle.

Partners having different needs tends to be a big issue in relationships. Relationships are all about compromise, and you should both really aim to meet in the middle.

Does she know how you feel about this? Does she know what you want to try? Perhaps take "baby-steps", start by talking and explaining how you feel and what you want, try new positions together (taking it slow), building up her confidence and desire to try new things. Try watching soft-core porn together (or maybe just really sensual scenes from a movie), try mutual masturbation (so she doesn't feel all the attention is on you watching her). If you're interested in bondage don't just jump right to the ropes and ties, but perhaps start with just a silk scarf, or something less threatening. It's all about building your relationship and the trust you have for each other.

If done properly, with lots of love and communication, this could be a great experience for the both of you. You will learn a lot about each other, and be able to build your relationship together. Best of luck!

I have trouble reaching climax with a woman. It's a problem I've had for awhile. It's affected my dating life negatively. I remain hard for a very long time but can't seem to cum. I'm not quite sure why I have this problem but its caused intimacy issues for me. Any advice?

First thing that comes to mind is perhaps nerves. (Remember, it's hard to give an accurate response without actually talking to you in person).

Perhaps it's just a matter of being with someone you feel as comfortable with as you feel when you're on your own! Or maybe just finding a position that really works for you.

If this problem continues, I recommend you see a doctor, as something could physically be causing the problem as well. Hope this helps a little!

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Medication, such as that used to treat depression, has been known to have many side effects, and one of those side effects can include low sex drive. In this case, because we are talking about medication, her best bet would be to see a doctor, as they would have a better idea of how to help the problem while she remains on this medication.

Best of luck!

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Fantasies are often hard to make reality. It could be that you're creating an idea of what perfect sex with her would be like, and then that doesn't match up with reality.

Perhaps try letting her in on some of the ideas you have about her and sex, and maybe it's a matter of trying new things together that she didn't know you were interested in.

Hope this helps! Feel free to ask me anything if this doesn't work!

What was your major in college? PhD or masters? What was the process to getting to where you are now?

I majored in Applied Science, with a focus on Adult Development (physiology and psychology). I hope to get my PhD one day, but for now I am just doing a Masters! Believe it or not, in many countries there are no regulations for what qualifications you need to become a sex therapist, but we are strongly encouraged to at least have a Bachelor degree, and many people continue on to get their Masters and then PhD.

During my undergraduate degree, I volunteered a lot with research projects relating to sex/sexuality, and helped run several studies. Volunteering and getting to know people within that field is the most helpful thing you can do to further your career. I do a LOT of my own research. Not only out of personal curiosity, (as it's a topic I love to learn about), but also for a book that I plan to have published one day (hopefully sooner rather than later).

Many people can become a sex/couples therapist through doing a psychology, social work, counselling, or sociology degree. There are many pathways you can take...which is good, but makes it hard at the same time! Hope this answers your questions!

Can you help the guy with the AMA about being a sex addict?

I personally recommend anyone trying to get rid of an addiction (whether for drugs, alcohol, sex etc), see a therapist or psychologist face-to-face on a weekly/biweekly basis, or join an anonymous help group (Like AA, or sex addicts anonymous). Having people around you to support you is a key ingredient in this process!

I'm partaking in the NoFap Challenge, where you don't masturbate. I'm curious, is at actually good in any way to stop masturbating? Or should I go back to normal?

Masturbation is completely normal! Its not only relaxing, but also lets you get to know your own body, what you like, etc.

There's no harm in not masturbating either, so really the choice is yours! Some people say when they abstain from masturbating (or sex) for a while, it feels better when they start again, because they are craving it so much more! But the choice is yours! :)

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First thing that comes to mind is perhaps nerves? (Remember, it's hard to give an accurate response without actually talking to you in person).

Perhaps it's just a matter of being with someone you feel as comfortable with as you feel when you're on your own! Or maybe just finding a position that really works for you. Hope this helps a little! Feel free to check out my site and give me more details using the "Ask me anything" page.

When I was 14 I found a lump on my left testicle and was told I had a 98% chance of having cancer and had to have it removed. This really affected my self confidence around girls, and am now approaching my 21st birthday as a virgin. I don't really have issues talking to girls but when I think of having sex or receiving oral sex I'm always afraid of how the girl will react to learning my secret, and imagine her telling everyone. My question for you is how should I go about telling girls about it?

I can see how something like this would affect your confidence, and 14 is such a tough time already, without having extra challenges thrown your way. You definitely made the right decision getting it removed (better to be healthy!) You mention that you find everything goes smoothy with girls until you start thinking about having sex or receiving oral. So it's definitely affecting your life in a less-than-positive way. There's really no "right way" to go about telling people, and I'm sure some will make jokes, some will be rude, and some will gossip. However....You'd hope that those you wanted to have sex with wouldn't act like that.

The first person I dated had the same thing happen to him...and he went around telling everyone a shark bit it off! Obviously not an accurate story, but it gave everyone a laugh, and everyone got an even bigger laugh when people actually believed him! Adding humour always lightens the mood, and if you're really serious about someone you can tell them the truth when that time comes (but trust me, most girls will be focused on another part of your anatomy, and not just your testicle!)

If it is still really bothering you, there is always the option of getting a prosthetic one put it, but you'd have to talk to a doctor about this!

Hope this helps!

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Most birth control (such as condoms) won't affect this.

However, birth control methods that affect your hormone levels can cause your natural lubrication to change. The birth control pill, for example, is made up of different hormones, and has been known to cause dryness of the skin, eyes, and "down below".

If you are on a hormone based birth control, I recommend talking to your doctor, just to be on the safe side!

What is the deal with vagina looseness? Does it become more loose with lots of sex, girthier partners, age? Does it get tight after long periods of abstinence, exercise, doe it never recover? Is it just a question of the individual? Help me understand!

Putting it simply, the vagina is made out of elastic-type muscles, and regardless of age, frequency of sex, or larger partners, it will always return to its original size.

The one thing that can help maintain or "tighten" vaginal muscles are pelvic floor exercises. Remember, everyone is different! Just like no two people have the same fingerprint, no two people have the same vagina!

Hope this helps! :)

Which aspects of human sexuality (both legal and illegal) do you find the most difficult to deal with as a professional therapist? Why?

Through many years of studying and researching, there's not much that really "gets to me" anymore. However, there are topics that I do find hard to deal with as a professional, either for personal reasons or due to my own beliefs.

In particular, speaking to rape/molestation/sexual abuse survivors is always very hard, and even more so when children are involved. Although I have a very liberal view when it comes to sex/sexuality, I believe it should only happen between consenting adults (for obvious reasons).

Okay, I cannot for the life of me, make it work with a condom. My SO uses the Implanon birth control, but before that was 'installed' and we used the pill, I found condoms were uncomfortable, I couldn't keep it up and pulling them off would hurt a little too. I think I couldn't maintain an erection because I couldn't really feel anything through it, and I was wondering if this is a common problem, and what I might be able to do to get condone to work for me moving into the future

Thanks for your question! Condoms are definitely important, not just as a means of birth control, but to protect against STIs/STDs.

My best advice would be to try different brands, sizes, and textures of condoms. If you're using the wrong size condom, (too big/too small), it could cause a lot of discomfort! Some condoms with ribbing (raised lines over it) give more friction, whereas warming condoms might give you a better sensation! Go buy a few and experiment to find what works for you!

Also, if you notice they hurt when you pull them off, before sex try placing one (very small!) dot of lube on the inside of the condom. This should help lubricate it, and it might make it feel more comfortable! * just make sure it's a sugar free lubricant :)

If this doesn't help, head to my website and let me know and we can brainstorm some more! (it's too hard to keep track of comments on here)

Is the job anything like the movie "The Sessions?"

Believe it or not, I get asked this question a lot!

I've never actually seen it (but I think that might be something I'll do this weekend!) but from my understanding the sex therapist helps a guy lose his virginity by physically teaching him things?

Although I'm sure there are people out there that do this sort of work, my job is a lot less hands on! There will never be any physical touching between me and clients, but rather I teach them through explaining, using props/pictures etc.

feel free to check out my post "what exactly is a sex therapist" on my site: https://evisonvaughan.wordpress.com/

What's the norm for the frequency of a single guy to have sex?

This is a tricky question! Answers range from never to several times a week. It all depends on the individual!

When it comes to sex, everyone is different, and it can be hard to calculate an average. Some people might have sex 5 times a week for 4 months, and then not have sex again for a year!

This is probably far too personal but considering it's fairly anonymous: what is your sex life, being a sex therapist, like?

This is a good question! (And don't worry, I don't think there is such a thing as "too personal" when it comes to being a sex therapist!) I'm not going to go into too much detail (sorry) but I'd say my sex life is good! Haha I try and keep it as spontaneous, fun, loving, and a little kinky now and then!

The journey to becoming a sex therapist has been incredible. I've met so many great people! I love how my job is more unique than most, and no two days are the same!

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I definitely know where you're coming from, as I went through the same thing when I was younger. It depends how severe your trust issues are, and whether or not you think you can help yourself, or if you'll need to get help. One-on-one counselling is always a great option!

For me, I made sure I was completely open and honest with friends and in relationships. As soon as a relationship started getting serious, I would make sure they knew my fears/worries etc. It took a lot of effort, reflection, and work, but I managed to slowly start and trust my partner. I'd always think "oh, you're going to cheat" or "oh, you're going to leave". But then a week later I'd realize he hadn't yet....then a month later he still hadn't... and so on and so forth, until I realized that I could trust him 110%. This took a while, and in past relationships the trust was broken. Its a matter of surrounding people who understand you and care about you, being open and communicating with those around you, and it's about you working to better yourself and trying to get over this!

Hope this helps a little! :)

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Watching adult films shouldn't have had too much of an impact on your current sex life (unless it has become an addiction, in which case it could impact you).

Your best bet would be to see a doctor if you think there is something wrong with your hormones, or nothing you try (different positions, etc) is helping improve your sex drive. It could be something is physically affecting your sex drive, and a doctor might be able to help!

I haven't had a normal relationship... ever. Women just use me to cheat on the boyfriends, or as a week fling etc. Is it me? Am I putting out signals that only attract this sort of attention.

Congrats on the career btw

Thanks!

It's really hard to answer this question in just a couple sentences (if you post to my website, I can spend some more time over the weekend chatting with you).

It could be a combination of things...where are you meeting these people? We all know that the majority of long-lasting relationships don't come from meeting people at 3am in a busy nightclub (though there are the exceptions!) Do you let people know you're interested a serious relationship? Perhaps they think you just want a fling as well. I'd suggest talking openly and honestly, going on actual dates and getting to know each other. That usually lets girls know that you are interested in more than just casual sex. Hope this helps!

I can't tell whether you're a man or a woman by your name. Which are you and what do you like most about the opposite sex?

Hey! I'm a woman, and I like a lot of things about the opposite sex (perhaps too many to list)!

I pee sitting down. Is that normal?

Each to their own! :) Whatever is most comfortable for you.

Last night I had a date with someone who will be a long-term partner. We were fooling around a little, and as soon as things started to escalate, she asked if we should wait, and I said "sure." She then got incredibly scared and started shaking, and she was very worried that I was upset (I am not a guy who gets upset at all, so that was strange). She had told me that her ex had taken advantage of her and was a very angry person. How do I go about things? I feel like going at her pace should help out her feelings a bit, but I'm not sure how to dissociate the experience with her ex from myself. What kinds of things usually help in this situation?

You're doing the right thing! Keep going at the pace she sets, don't try and rush things, and make sure you remain patient. From the sounds of it she has had a traumatic experience in the past and has still not recovered form it or dealt with it properly.

If she is willing to get professional help, I would recommend it (as it seems she needs to deal with a few things in order to be comfortable around you).

Otherwise, I would just remain patient. Show her she can trust you, go out together (perhaps avoid sexual contact for a while, until she's more comfortable with you). It's very hard to give advice when I don't know her entire history, but I hope what I have said helps a little! :)

What is your view on patients and therapists not acting on transference inappropriately and not sleeping with each other? Some might say that in itself is repression of asexual feelings which Freud says can be a bad thing.

That's a unique question!

To keep it short and sweet, I'd have to say that the client relationship is what's most important, and all therapists should maintain a high level of professionalism at all times (according to our code of conduct, and what most therapists strive to do).

(As soon as I hear "Freud" I could go on for ages!) :)

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Believe it or not, I have heard some people testify that sex addiction is harder to quit than a drug addiction.

Sex addictions, like drug addictions, can end up consuming one's life. It could be all they think about, do, and care about. There are many ways to help get rid of this addiction, but (as with other addictions) it is not an easy process.

I would recommend seeing a therapist or psychologist face-to-face or joining sex addicts anonymous. Having people support you during this time is also crucial.

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This is actually not that uncommon!

Obviously in relationships commitment is usually of great importance, so cheating is never a good idea. However, I can understand that the idea of trying new things, having new experiences, and maintaining the same levels of excitement can be difficult in relationships.

Have you ever suggested a swinging lifestyle to your partner? This does not "fix" relationships if they are broken, in fact, swingers usually have the highest levels of trust and commitment to each other, but they also enjoy having sex with other people (with each others knowledge and consent).

This might be something you could try (perhaps even just check out a local swingers club together before you make a decision). Or perhaps you could try different things to "spice it up", change positions, use some toys, keep it as exciting and new as possible!

Hope this helps a little! Feel free to check out my site and ask me any more questions you might have!

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I've made lots of mistakes, but I don't call them that...they're called "learning curves". We all do things that we later realize we probably shouldn't have done, but if we hadn't done them, we might not be where we are today!

I don't think any specific "learning curve" has directly influenced where I am today! My main driving force....I want to be the best I can be! (It sounds lame, yes!). But I want to help people, I want to get rid of the stigma that exists about sex/sexuality, I want parents to feel comfortable teaching their kids about safe sex, and kids to feel comfortable enough to ask their parents questions.

Most of all, I want to be able to look back on my life and say "Yes, I helped people, and I made a positive difference in their lives" :)

are you a virgin?

Nope.

Qualifications? So far your answers make you sound like a 12 year old girl.

Sorry you feel that way! As you can imagine, responding to people as quickly as possible can be a challenge (and unfortunately I can't spend the time I want to spend writing out everything I would say to them in person). To answer some questions properly could take hours, lots of research, and second opinions...so I'm doing my best for a quick 2-3 sentence response.

I have a BASc (Bachelor of applied science degree, 5 year program) specializing in adult development (physiology and psychology). I've helped run several studies on campus for professors and research assistants. Now, between writing and researching for my book, interning, and completing my Masters, I am kept quite busy. In many countries there are no regulations for what qualifications you need to become a sex therapist, but we are strongly encouraged to at least have a Bachelor degree, and many people continue on to get their Masters and then PhD (which I will eventually do as well). Hope this answers your questions!