Kevin Patrick Smith

I learned from an early age that I'm a sucker for the dickless set. So in an effort to keep shit civil and fair across the boards, I've always been a neck-up kinda guy.

Don't get me wrong: I love titties as much as the next lesbian. But libido can cloud judgment and make a guy act a fool. So from 14 on, I've always tried to deal with women like I deal with men: from the neck up. I don't stare at dudes' tits or dicks: why, then, would I ogle chicks I'm not fucking or have no chance of ever fucking. There's a time for looking at breasts: It's when the shirt's coming off and she's smiling at you lustily. 'til that glorious moment ever happened, it was always eyes-to-eyes for me. It's all friendly until someone wants to cum.

You can't get anything done in this life if you're constantly thinking "I wonder what she looks like naked...?" about every woman you meet. Best to treat 'em all like you treat the guys.

That's why I dig my wife so much. Jen Schwalbach is a woman I can ogle the fuck out of and it's civil, proper, even expected and preferred. With her, I'm all neck-DOWN. Not even sure Jen has eyes, to be honest. But fuck, does she have lady parts that tickle my dick.

I do a podcast with my wife and you can even HEAR what a pussy-whipped poon-hound I am for her: http://smodcast.com/channels/plus-one/

882 days today,thank you for asking and for listening :)

I'd remake the homemade porn I made with my wife. Christ, my ass looks huge and full of cottage cheese. I'd re-cast me with Affleck.

KEV SAYS: Never had my asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat. But the thin guy? He tosses salad like a Top Chef.

Matt Damon has always treated me far more seriously as a filmmaker than I've ever treated myself, God bless him. Super nice guy. When you look at his resume, he's worked with legendary director after legendary director. And then me, from time to time, back in the day. But as kind as he is, he's just being loyal: Matt was always super-appreciative that Scott Mosier and I took GOOD WILL HUNTING in to Harvey and got him to pick it up in turnaround from Castle Rock.

Classy thing about Matt: he always talks to your wife like she's a real person, not just the person who's standing with you. Good, good dude.

My favorite Carlin moment: Jen and I were at one of his shows, post-DOGMA. He was doing his "People I Can Do Without" piece, and right before he said "Guys who wear their hats backwards over the age of nine...", he added "Kevin, you're exempt from this one 'cause of work..."

Sometimes when I wake up in the mornings, I still think about that moment, and it puts the whole day into perspective. One of the 20 best things that ever happened to me ever.

We showed Harley JAY & SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK with the volume turned down when she was four. My wife Jen's in the movie too and it blew the kid's mind to see her Mother firing guns and jumping over shit. Even weirder for her was when Dad and Uncle Jay were hanging out with the Scooby gang. Then she went all Troll on me and started saying "That's not Shaggy. Shaggy wears a GREEN shirt." Everyone's a critic - even my kid.

Harley's 13 now and allowed to watch the flicks. But like most cineastes, she elects not to.

Right on! I remember you!

Wasn't the movie fun?

Yes and yes.

Had CLERKS not worked, I'd have continued working in convenience stores. I like being around junk food, obviously.

KEV SAYS:

In 2001, Bob Weinstein (the head of Dimension) suggested I make Jay & Silent Bob follow in the footsteps of cinematic history's greatest comedy duos and have them meet monsters - just like Abbot and Costello.

"We've got Pinhead from HELLRAISER," Bob said. "Michael Myers from HALLOWEEN. The creepy kids from CHILDREN IN THE CORN. These are the modern-day monsters. Next movie with Jay and Silent Bob, they gotta meet the monsters."

Opening scene: Jay and Bob are playing with the HELLRAISER puzzle box. They twist the box into position and a doorway opens, pulling them into a horrifying world beyond their comprehension: REHAB!

Who wants to see HELLRAISER 10: JAY & SILENT BOB GO TO HELL?