IAm Megan Andelloux, professional sex educator & founder of The Center For Sexual Pleasure And Health (one of only 2 nation-wide organizations dedicated to adult sex education). AMA!

Hi Megan,

I discovered pornography when I was about 12 and have spent the last 10 years hopelessly addicted. I know there are healthy and sexuality-enhancing ways to use porn, but this is not me.

When I was living at home through junior/high school, it was a constant fight with my parents, who monitored internet traffic; when I left for university, I would skip classes and put off homework for porn, and my grades suffered. I have never talked with anyone about the reason for my poor performance at school before; the truth is that I was spending an average of 2 hours daily watching pornography and masturbating. As a student in a pretty tough school, 14 hours a week just for porn is clearly not sustainable, but I lacked (and still lack) the ability/will to control it. My abuse of porn has contributed to depression, sleeping issues, and a whole host of other problems, and yet I have been unable to stop my behavior. I hate it the same way an alcoholic hates his bottle.

I fell in love and have been together with her for about two years. I have never had the courage to be totally forthcoming with her about the depth of my problem. Hell, I wasn't even able to be forthcoming with myself about the problem until I went through some very deep reflection under the influence of a psychedelic drug several months ago. I had hoped a normal, consistent sexual relationship might help me overcome my compulsions, but when she's gone (different schools), I fall right back into old patterns. I don't want to have a secret addiction and behavior that I compulsively cannot talk about, and I especially want to feel able to be totally open with her. It's the only thing I keep closed with her, but it's still wrong.

So, sad story aside. I have two questions for you.

1. I am really ready to tackle this problem head on. I need therapy, I am fairly certain, but I would like to know if you have any resources or other suggestions to help me get off the ground or supplement therapy. Even a recommended therapy type? Anything.

2. Pornography was NEVER discussed in my sex ed courses, outside of one presentation which told us that we were Bad People if we looked at porn, and my education is visibly the poorer. With the sheer ease of access to every flavor of porn on the internet, it seems as though a mature discussion of pornography should be embraced, not avoided, in sex education. So, given your druthers, how would you start to educate youth about pornography and other sexual materials?

EDIT: Thanks to EVERYONE who's replied; I don't have time to read everything this second but I will get to it. This is the first time I've tried to seek help/get the information I need to help myself, and I'm really really glad to receive so much support/advice without judgement.

This is probably the best question I have received-psychedelic drugs can certainly change our lives and offer lots of reflection. Ok, so here is the thing. You are identifying that you have a problem and the thing is, I don't think the porn is the problem. I think that the secrecy you have regarding the porn use, and most likely the masturbation that takes place, is the problem. The secrecy, the hiding, the shame. That is what is sticking out to me-and i think it is great that you are identifying a problem. The therapy I would recommend would be based on compulsion issues, not addiction. There has been no science that has been replicated to find that porn is damaging. Anyone who says "porn is bad" is a therapist who is giving you bad information.
I would love to say that I can talk about porn, I endorse educators talking about porn, but the thing is-we aren't allowed to. The parents, the school systems, the pTA-all of these things prevent us from actually acknowledging Hey-PORN exists and we should probably talk about it. I wasn't allowed it to bring the topic up in school systems-to address it- but I could talk about it if a student brought it up. I have a hell of a time even talking about it in college settings. I wish we could, I 'm doing my part, but our culture does not support talking openly about porn.

You are on a good path. I would recommend speaking to a fantastic therapist-Joseph Winn, LICSW to ask him for a recommendation of finding an awesome-sex positive therapist in your area. Look him up and tell him I sent you.

If you could make ALL men read a certain book, or watch a specific video before they have their next sexual encounter with a woman - what would it be?

Nina Hartley's Guide to Oral Sex

And what book would you recommend to a man focused on his own sexuality?

The New Male Sexuality

Is it safe/fun to have sex during Shark Week?

Sure! Lots of people actually love having sex on their periods for a bunch of reasons, including that they might be feeling randier, that they're more lubricated, or they just like the sensation.

It's not unsafe to do, but if you want to make it less messy, you can try using an Instead Softcup, which is a flexible menstrual cup that can be worn during playing. But it's okay for sex to be dirty, so have fun playing!

It's really sad that sex education is considered so taboo in society. Sex is a big part of humanity. I truly believe that proper education is the solution to improving quality of life for everyone, and that is also true for sex education.

Do you think that introducing proper sexual education in high schools would serve to improve our society at large? (Affecting things like sexism in our culture).

I think that introducing proper sex education from birth would be the best method-start way before high school. Sex ed should be start wayyyyyyy before teens years-I totally agree with what you are saying. I used to work with kids and teens (for 9 years doing sex ed) but I became burnt out dealing with adults who were trying to dictate what kids should learn.

In your professional opinion and based on the extensive experience you've had in this area, what is the most common sexual "hang-up" that you see for both men and women. How do you usually advise that people work through it?

Alternatively, what is one hang-up that is fairly common that most people don't talk about?

People do not talk about fantasies. It's so sad-because most people have them and people can be so afraid of them.

Me 24M her 27F

I recently found out my wife subconsciously made the decision to be with someone who she liked rather than someone who turned her on when she decided to be with me. I want sex a lot. She wants sex a lot less.

We are seeing a sex therapist this weekend to try to work on this. What are some topics you might suggest we try to hit on?

Sadness? Lying? Why she didn't feel safe disclosing this information? Those things are very important.

What are the most common misconceptions about sex life that you hear from young people?

fear of masturbation :( As long as it is in private and you aren't causing sores it is so good for the mind and body.

What do you think about /r/nofap?

I think if you're trying to deny yourself as a kink that's fine, but taking away sexual desire and experience to reward yourself may set you up for a negative loop.

Just "theoretically" speaking, how often would one have to masturbate for it to become a health issue? I believe my possibly outdated grade school education said 5 times per day.

There isn't really a number where it becomes a health issue, and '5' is just complete bullshit. I would say that if you are masturbating so much that you are opening up wounds on your genitals, then that becomes a health issue, but there isn't a set number for that. It depends on how you masturbate.

If you masturbate so often that it's severely getting in the way of your regular life functioning (school, work, etc.), that could be a personal issue for you, but again there isn't a number. It could be a health ISSUE, but I wouldn't call it a problem.

Hello Megan! I have always wondered about myself (I guess this is more the psychological part of sex I'm asking about)- Outside of the bedroom, I am a strong woman, a feminist, and I would consider myself to be a bit of a rebel when it comes to the whole "old fashioned" gender norms. My husband totally respects it, and agrees with me. However, I am totally turned on by being dominated, feeling controlled, and used and abused. (I often have to remind him, and I feel kind of bad actually because he wants to please ME, and if he expresses it, that totally turns me off. I suppose I want to be the only pleaser, although I still orgasm every time we have sex.) Have you learned anything in your experiences that could possibly explain these contradictions?

AWESOME! Join the rest of the kinky feminist community.

Being a strong woman/feminist is not contradictory to being a submissive in bed, or wanting to be dominated/used/abused in the bedroom. It's an INCREDIBLY common feeling, and it's important to understand that the ways we like to play are NOT the same as ways we like to live. Just because someone likes to be tied up and called a dirty little slut in bed doesn't mean they want to be called a dirty little slut in public (unless that's part of your kink!) And in actuality, a lot of very strong, assertive personalities find themselves wanting to be submissive in bed because it's a chance to act out something that they are not in a real-world context, and it's fun to go into that fantasy. Fantasies are different from real life because of the intimacy and communication you have with your partner - ie for people who have rape fantasies, they enjoy the simulation of rape with a partner that they actually trust, and would obviously NOT want to be raped in real life. There shouldn't be any problems there.

Try going through Tumblr communities or Fetlife.com to meet TONS of other people who have had similar problems about being both strong women & submissives.

How would someone (let's not kid around, me) get through premature ejaculation? It's incredibly frustrating only being able to last a few minutes.

Are there techniques? Pills/drugs/medicine?

Yes! I would recommend the book-The New Male Sexuality-it is amazing. Here are quick tips. Gently pull down on the balls-this delays ejaculation breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth

Do not follow those stupid recommendations that suggest you numb your penis out-WHY ARE PEOPLE HAVING SEX WITH NUMB genitals? or thinking about things other than the naked person (people) around you. Get the book-The new Male Sexuality. it is the best. Sometimes antidepressants can work also-but I recommend free things first.

This is a girl. What's the most comfortable way to have vaginal penetration sex as a virgin. Any tips to help?

Penetrate yourself first. Get on top of your partner if you are the person who is going to BE penetrated. That way you can control when something goes in, how far it goes in and if any pain occurs, you can stop without having to communicate it. Be playful and giggle.

Perhaps Dan Savage could answer this better, but I'll ask anyway. What's the deal with male (prostate induced?) anal orgasms?

Also, is it true that regular prostate milking will help prevent enlarged prostate down the road?

You don't need to own a male prostate to discuss how wonderful it can be. Many men enjoy playing with their prostates because playing with it feels really good! It connects to a different nerve pathway, which produces full body orgasms (if you choose or want to have an orgasm). Stimulating the cock connects to another nerve pathway, which produces genitally focused orgasms. Prostate stimulation, which can include direct stimulation or ejaculation, has indeed been found to increase prostate health and happiness.

wow! I had now idea about the nerve pathways thing......awesomely informative answer, thanks!

Happy to help! I love talking about anatomy.

As insults go "tatooed woman" is a pretty weak one.

Agreed

Hey, if you are the OP, it would be nice if you posted from that account. It makes your name blue, which is very helpful for seeing when you have posted a response as opposed to a random redditor.

Yep - thanks so much for pointing that out! Definitely my mistake :)

Are rape fantasies normal?

Many people have rape fantasies, just because one imagines something doesn't mean someone actually wants this to happen in real life. For example many people fantasize about killing people when cut off in traffic, but we don't get out of our cars and kill people.

This may get buried but, I have a very undersized penis. 3 1/2 inches erect. I'm very worried about getting laughed at when I do finally have sex. I'm still a virgin. Now I've heard oral is more likely to give a girl an orgasm but can I stimulate the g-spot with such a small member?

And will 3 1/2 inches be enough to satisfy her? Or would introducing toys be a better idea? Thanks so much for reading.

I replied to a similar question here :D

Also, the g-zone is only located 1-2 inches inside the opening of the vagina, so 3 1/2 inches is not a problem. In fact, if you're completely inside, you've gone right past it.

Since you're an educator do you qualify for a free copy of "Portal 2" from Valve?

Ooooooh. I actually have no idea. Maybe!

Can any sexual act be empowering as long as it's consensual as Sasha Grey has said or do you think there are certain things that are inherently demeaning to the other partner?

If both partners agree to it, I don't think there's anything demeaning about it. 'Demeaning' is a state of mind - you decide what is or isn't demeaning in sex. You might look back later and decide something was demeaning, which is why enthusiastic + INFORMED consent is so important, but I don't think there's anything that is "inherently" demeaning as an act.

Hah I feel like such a black sheep asking this.

I'm a straight 24 year old male and I don't enjoy getting blowjobs. Sex, handjobs, massages, etc. are all great but blowjobs don't seem to be "doing it for me" anymore. Any blowjob rehabilitation advice for me?

I think if you don't like them-stop trying to like to like them. Focus instead on what you do you! Fuck what other people like-your pleasure is all about you.

What's your take on this 50 Shades business?

Also, your Study Sex College Tour was fantastic!

I think its fantastic that people are talking about BDSM openly in American culture, for once in history. Do I think it's a great piece of literature? No. Do I think it should be used as a 101 BDSM guide? No. But if there's something out there in popular media that's getting people to really discuss sex, think about it, and become more open to the idea that being kinky isn't just something deviants and 'freaks' do? Fuck yeah!

What is the biggest misconception about sex you find yourself having to correct? Do you find that a majority of misconceptions are the result of religious upbringings conditioning people to view sexual pleasure as wrong?

There are so many! Put something in the vagina and she will come like a champ, you have to be perfect when you have sex or else you shouldn't do it ( i hear this about oral all the time). The biggest misconception about sex that I choose to correct however is that it people approach it like a job. Words like "job", "perform" "maintain" are frequently used and this takes the fun fun fun out of sexy time. Sex should be about giggling, laughing, making mistakes, sweating, and experiencing your body-not performing.

Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?

On a scale of 1-10, how high would you rate Cosmo's ability to give advice on sex?

Scale of 1-10 for mainstream mag advice would be about a 6. The problem is they are usually told what to say verses what they have been told by sexuality educators, counselors or educators to say. Some of our advice doesn't sell and we are frequently misquoted. I love the columns run by Bust Magazine as they have legit sexuality professionals answer the questions.

In terms of use it or lose it question, in what regards? Vagina's? Rectum's? Desire? Penis? Cock? Mouth? I could go in so many different directions, I need a little more context.

People say the woman's G-spot is real but then some scientists say no, there is no G-spot....In your expert opinion, does the G-Spot actually exist and what is the best possible way to stimulate it if it does?

So, the verdict at this point is that there is indeed a Female Prostate-but there has not been any structure that has been identified to be the female g-spot-meaning this special spot that can make a someone have an orgasm, or has a larger amount, higher concentration of nerve endings.
That doesn't mean stop looking for it, but rather, some people like it played with, other people don't.
Stimulation with fingers in a come hither motion is recommended.

Sorry, posting from this account now!

So, the verdict at this point is that there is indeed a Female Prostate-but there has not been any structure that has been identified to be the female g-spot-meaning this special spot that can make a someone have an orgasm, or has a larger amount, higher concentration of nerve endings. That doesn't mean stop looking for it, but rather, some people like it played with, other people don't. Stimulation with fingers in a come hither motion is recommended.

I am 17 year old girl, and I have been masturbating since the age of 13. I believe it is very good for the mind, body, and soul, and wish more girls my age would do it! However, I orgasm only through the stimulation of the clitoris. That, itself, does not require that much effort--it can take anywhere between 3-10 minutes, depending on my mood. However, I have never been able to orgasm vaginally--through my G-Spot. As much as I have tried, it never feels very good, and I always go back to my clitoris. It's not really painful, but it's not just pleasurable. I am a virgin, but I'm afraid for my sexual future, as I'm not sure that I can orgasm vaginally. Are there any tips you have? Thanks!

If you can't orgasm vaginally, join the club! About 80% of females can only orgasm when their clit is being stimulated. If that's just the way your body is, then why try to fight it? There are lots of ways to have sex while still stimulating your clit which do or do not also involve being penetrated, including using your own hands, their hands, fitting a vibrator between your bodies, or finding an angle that works to stimulate you externally at the same time.

What course of higher education did you take to end up where you are? Do you consider yourself to be continually learning?

I got a bachelor's degree in Human Development and Family Studies, and I got AASECT certified & have certification from the American College of Sexologists. I definitely consider myself to be continually learning...it's the best part of the job. Sexuality is a dynamic and ever-evolving field, and I am only one person with unique privileges and positions, so I am constantly learning from other people.

The only way I can "finish" is using my hand or being on top in missionary. It's impossible for a girl to finish me off using oral. Why is this? How can I make it happen? I'm uncut, if that makes a difference

This sounds like Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome-which is pretty controversial-but something to look into. You appear to need more direct frenulum stimulation-that is what you are doing when you are using your hand or being on top. Many dudes can't get off from oral and that is a ok. Just because it happens in porn doesn't mean that it is the way that most bodies tend to react. This is one of the reasons why sexologists really focus on playing-have playful sex-because you can do hand stimulation-go into oral-go back to hands- and finish people off in that way. Many folks don't reach orgasm just from oral -they need other touch too!

I've had relationships with 2 girls who have expelled lots of fluid during sex - I'm hesitant to call it squirting because they both had the sensation that they hadn't reached orgasm. But we'll have sex and she'll get really into it, and then we'll notice that there's fluid (that vaguely smells of pee) all over us and the bed.

My current girlfriend is 27 and it happened to her for the first ever a week ago (the other girl was my first girlfriend and I was her first). The only position where it happens is with me on top missionary style but with her holding her legs up against my shoulders. I guess this is the position that most stimulates the G-spot.

I'm about 80% sure that this is squirting, but I always thought that a squirting orgasm would be more intense than otherwise - both girls have thought they hadn't even had an orgasm at all. What do you think?

Thanks!

You can definitely squirt without experiencing orgasm, and it can feel enjoyable without an orgasm taking place. This does sound like a case of squirting - if you have more questions, you might want to check out a Q&A we answered over on The CSPH's site that talks about female ejaculate/squirting http://thecsph.org/qa-female-ejaculate

Thanks everyone for coming around for my AMA! I'd love to do this again if y'all have more questions :)

I offer personal consultations, either in person or online via Skype. For more information about those, read about them here and contact my assistant at [email protected] to schedule an appointment.

And if you want more resources, there's always my organization, The CSPH, our NSFW Tumblr, and of course our physical building over in Pawtucket, RI. We have a vulva door!

I can also have a personal twitter, @HiOhMegan.

And if you want to intern or volunteer with me, or become a member of The CSPH and get access to ALL of our resources, check out the "Get Involved" page.

Thanks again for being such fine & sassy folk :)

My husband is 16 years older than me. We have an amazing and fulfilling sex life, but I know at some point his body will/might change. Can you suggest any book or material that may help me understand and assist him if/when changes occur?

I should mention that I am currently 31 and he is 47.

Naked at Our Age is a good one. :)

As the mother of a 10 year old boy....what should I begin to teach him about sex and sexuality?

Read SIECUS, which has a bunch of great links to resources for sexuality, sexual health, orientation, etc.

Also, the CSPH has a new video blog called Use Your Words that talks specifically about being a sex-positive parent, which you can check out for tips on how to talk about sexuality with your kids.

But in general, be sure that your son can talk to you, know that you don't have to know everything, look things up for them, try to counter sexual shame, and teach him the real names for his genitals.

First of all thanks for doing this.

I made a throwaway as it rather personal for me. But what are you thoughts on Premature EJ. Because I have a very bad problem with it. My wife is very supportive and says shes ok with it. But, I KNOW for a fact it bothers her. And its to a point where is starting to affect both our once very healthy and active sex drives.

So, most of the time, once im in, Ive got maybe a minute( pun sadly intended) before I go. I loathe that sooo much, Because i would actually like to enjoy making love to her. So i try to compensate by going down on her, which we both thoroughly enjoy. But I would still like to go for longer than 5 seconds as it would seem. If she goes down on me, its usually a decent amount of time before I go, which confuses me.

If she gets on top, I can go a little longer but not by much, as im concentrating on not going or doing math problems, so my mind inst totally engaged. which sucks because I want to be there entirely in the moment with her. And to compound the issue, its becoming more rare she gets off on top or takes to long and she gets discouraged, and I hate seeing that in her eyes.

Any advise would be greatly appropriated.

General thoughts on PE: It's the number one sexual complaint by males. Premature ejaculation can have psychological factors. A quick trick to delay ejaculation is to gently pull down on the balls-this delays ejaculation, and breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. I would also recommend the book-The New Male Sexuality-it is amazing. One shot is fine to last longer in bed, but after that will slow down your sexual response system.

Do not follow those stupid recommendations that suggest you numb your penis out-WHY ARE PEOPLE HAVING SEX WITH NUMB genitals? or thinking about things other than the naked person (people) around you. Get the book-The new Male Sexuality. it is the best. Sometimes antidepressants can work also-but I recommend free things first.

I'm FTM and works often with the gender variant community-any advice for those individuals who struggle with an inability to fantasize or be in touch with their own sense of desire because of their dysphoria and/or self/body self concept?

Claim your body. Figure out what words work for you when you describe yourself or think of yourself and try to become more comfortable with those words. Be patient with yourself. Try going on Tumblr or other online communities to find populations that you identify with, and see what other people are thinking about or doing - because sometimes we need to see other people's directions in order to subconsciously give ourselves "permission" to do those things. There are some wonderful trans* groups online that can give much more in-depth and personal advice than I can, speaking as a cis woman, but this is what I would generally recommend. Try masturbating/solo play time to become more comfortable with your own body and your needs as well.

Agreed, esp. with the Tumblr stuff. :)

Some helpful links:

http://theselfmademen.tumblr.com/post/18632637272 - really cool masturbatory device you can make yourself!

http://www.queertransmen.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=14&Itemid=29

http://library.catie.ca/PDF/P43/24654.pdf

:) Hope that's helpful! There are way more out there too, but those are some off the top of my head.

OH OH AND THIS POEM BECAUSE OMG IT'S SO GOOD (and discusses language and the importance of it around body comfort/dysphoria) - genderqueerchicago.blogspot.com/2011/02/how-to-make-love-to-trans-person.html

Oooh, those are some awesome ones!

You also gave sex ed to kids, in your personal opinion, at what age should kids get sex ed? (and i'm talking about the full package: masturbation, contraception, SOA's, ...)

Who are the typical people who come to sex workshops?

edit for typo

All sorts of people come into sex workshops, from sex ed veterans to virgins who have never gotten any kind of sex education before. It really depends on what workshop I'm teaching at the moment but I wouldn't say there's a "typical" person.

I'm comfortable teaching kids sex ed at whatever age they're old enough to understand what I'm saying.

I would love to know what kind of education or other qualifications you pursued for your career. I live in a small city in canada there isn't a sex therapist or educator within five hours drive and it's a shame.

Are you thinking of becoming a sexuality professional? If you are thinking of doing that, Canada has AMMMMAZING programs. You should look at our link here- most of them are American based though- http://thecsph.org/our-resources/education/academic-sexuality-programs for information on where to go for degrees.

Do you think using oral sex or intercourse as a thank you to your partner is ok or does it send the wrong message?

it depends on your relationship-if you are having a healthy one, it is good. Otherwise you are just being manipulative!

Just wanted to say thanks for the AMA. Heard you on the Sex Nerd Sandra Podcast and you were awesome there as well.

Thanks! :D

Obviously every woman is different, but is there one severely effective way to make a girl orgasm? A certain position or technique that allows for increased stimulation?

oral is much more likely to cause orgasms in clitoral owners. If she masturbates she is way more likely to have orgasms.

What are three books about sex that you wish more people would read, and why?

Three books-Men in Love, The Erotic Mind, Sperm Wars

I think I saw Sperm Wars on A&E. A story of a bunch of desperate suburban housewives who go to storage lockers and bid on sperm deposits where the owners haven't paid their rent.. Yes yes... watch it every Wednesday or is that Thursday?

This is not what i was referring to.

does size really matter?

If we're talking about cocks, girth matters more for sexual pleasure than length. But I hear lots more people concerned that their partner's cock is too big than too small.

So yes, size can matter, but it also is about how different bodies fit together. But if you're concerned about being too big or too small, fingers, forearms, and dildos come in lots of sizes.

My wife and I have differing sex drives, how can we work towards equalizing them?

Figure out how the two of you can enjoy each other's sex drives. Watch one another masturbate- help one another have an orgasm...spend more time snuggling. It is unlikely for people/couples to have equal sex drives. In fact, it is very uncommon for couples to have equal sex drives.

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Have her eat plain yogurt and tell her it's the same general taste as vaginal fluids, tell her she's pretty and that her vulva's wicked hot. Also showering beforehand might make her more comfortable.

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SpareParts Hardware sells harnesses that may seem expensive, but are the most worthwhile investment IMO because they have adjustable O-rings that will fit a variety of dildoes. They'll also replace them for you if they break or if your order doesn't fit, and their fit/styles are awesome. The price is really quite reasonable if you take that into account, especially since if you buy a cheap shitty harness it probably won't fit right, will only hold some dildoes, and once it breaks you're done.

Also, check the kink subreddit & Fetlife.com! KinkAcademy.com is also a great source, run by Princess Kali (one of our former board members and a badass prodomme.)

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To quote another great AMA lady Stoya, eat healthy and poop before trying anal. =D Also, if you're worried about mess, try black condoms or gloves, which will hide trace amounts of poo.

As for easiest, just go slow, use LOTS of lube (I recommend Maximus, Sliquid, Sassy, or Eros), and make sure to listen to each other! Nobody knows a liar better than your asshole, so if you're not really comfortable playing anally, it'll know.

What is your view on Utah getting rid of its sex education for abstinence only education?

I personally think that if you don't teach people how to have emotionally, physically, and anatomically correct sex, you are seriously fucking them over. Because they are still going to learn about sex...they are just going to learn about sex from other sources, and these sources more often than not will be filled with bad, unhealthy, or just straight up inaccurate messages.

Also, there tend to be higher rates of STIs and higher pregnancy rates among teens in areas where only abstinence-only programs exist.