Megan Andelloux

sexuality educator since 1998 originally working with Planned Parenthood, later as Director of the Sexuality Learning and Resource Center and now serves as the Director of the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (CSPH)

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TheCSPH360 karma

Nina Hartley's Guide to Oral Sex

TheCSPH288 karma

This is probably the best question I have received-psychedelic drugs can certainly change our lives and offer lots of reflection. Ok, so here is the thing. You are identifying that you have a problem and the thing is, I don't think the porn is the problem. I think that the secrecy you have regarding the porn use, and most likely the masturbation that takes place, is the problem. The secrecy, the hiding, the shame. That is what is sticking out to me-and i think it is great that you are identifying a problem. The therapy I would recommend would be based on compulsion issues, not addiction. There has been no science that has been replicated to find that porn is damaging. Anyone who says "porn is bad" is a therapist who is giving you bad information.
I would love to say that I can talk about porn, I endorse educators talking about porn, but the thing is-we aren't allowed to. The parents, the school systems, the pTA-all of these things prevent us from actually acknowledging Hey-PORN exists and we should probably talk about it. I wasn't allowed it to bring the topic up in school systems-to address it- but I could talk about it if a student brought it up. I have a hell of a time even talking about it in college settings. I wish we could, I 'm doing my part, but our culture does not support talking openly about porn.

You are on a good path. I would recommend speaking to a fantastic therapist-Joseph Winn, LICSW to ask him for a recommendation of finding an awesome-sex positive therapist in your area. Look him up and tell him I sent you.

TheCSPH249 karma

People do not talk about fantasies. It's so sad-because most people have them and people can be so afraid of them.

TheCSPH218 karma

fear of masturbation :( As long as it is in private and you aren't causing sores it is so good for the mind and body.

TheCSPH189 karma

AWESOME! Join the rest of the kinky feminist community.

Being a strong woman/feminist is not contradictory to being a submissive in bed, or wanting to be dominated/used/abused in the bedroom. It's an INCREDIBLY common feeling, and it's important to understand that the ways we like to play are NOT the same as ways we like to live. Just because someone likes to be tied up and called a dirty little slut in bed doesn't mean they want to be called a dirty little slut in public (unless that's part of your kink!) And in actuality, a lot of very strong, assertive personalities find themselves wanting to be submissive in bed because it's a chance to act out something that they are not in a real-world context, and it's fun to go into that fantasy. Fantasies are different from real life because of the intimacy and communication you have with your partner - ie for people who have rape fantasies, they enjoy the simulation of rape with a partner that they actually trust, and would obviously NOT want to be raped in real life. There shouldn't be any problems there.

Try going through Tumblr communities or to meet TONS of other people who have had similar problems about being both strong women & submissives.

TheCSPH187 karma

Penetrate yourself first. Get on top of your partner if you are the person who is going to BE penetrated. That way you can control when something goes in, how far it goes in and if any pain occurs, you can stop without having to communicate it. Be playful and giggle.

TheCSPH179 karma

There are so many! Put something in the vagina and she will come like a champ, you have to be perfect when you have sex or else you shouldn't do it ( i hear this about oral all the time). The biggest misconception about sex that I choose to correct however is that it people approach it like a job. Words like "job", "perform" "maintain" are frequently used and this takes the fun fun fun out of sexy time. Sex should be about giggling, laughing, making mistakes, sweating, and experiencing your body-not performing.

TheCSPH175 karma

I think if you're trying to deny yourself as a kink that's fine, but taking away sexual desire and experience to reward yourself may set you up for a negative loop.

TheCSPH168 karma

Many people have rape fantasies, just because one imagines something doesn't mean someone actually wants this to happen in real life. For example many people fantasize about killing people when cut off in traffic, but we don't get out of our cars and kill people.

TheCSPH162 karma

I think that introducing proper sex education from birth would be the best method-start way before high school. Sex ed should be start wayyyyyyy before teens years-I totally agree with what you are saying. I used to work with kids and teens (for 9 years doing sex ed) but I became burnt out dealing with adults who were trying to dictate what kids should learn.