I was almost killed by my mom when I was young... and the rest of my life has been a living hell.

how are you doing now?

Not great. My mental health is still horrible. I have borderline personality disorder (caused by trauma), anxiety, depression, and doctors debate whether or not I also have bipolar. I’m still trying to recover.

Holy shit, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Have you looked into ptsd treatment with mdma? LSD or psilocybin may also help your ptsd but given your mental state they may not be the best option.

I’ve actually taken acid before. It helped me clear my head and seek insight.

[deleted]

Please don't give medical advice to others without a license and based on your own experience.

While it is true bipolar disorder is incompatible with ssri alone, the effect is not the same for everyone.

I agree also. I have friends in the community who are on both and it helps them.

I do take mood stabilizers. Unfortunately because of BPD, those don’t work or will make certain symptoms worse and others better. It’s hard to find any meds that don’t effect my mental health in some way.

I forgot about my ptsd also. Lol I try to... it pops up out of nowhere.

What would you like to accomplish for yourself this year?

I would like to be able to recognize my personality patterns to better control my borderline personality disorder... my main goal in life right now is to heal.

I don't know what you're going through but I have a loved one with PTSD, it seems like just getting through the day is too much some times.

You're a bad ass for persuing your recovery, I bet its hard as fuck. You'll get there.

Thank you x

How old are you now?

I’m 19

Focus on making today peaceful and safe and tomorrow happy. You have suffered through a lot but as you get older, these wounds will become less fresh. As someone who dealt with a lot of abuse, don't let them have anymore time in your head than they already got. Be free. You don't owe your parents a thing. Good luck and I wish you a bright and happy future.

Thank you. It’s really nice to hear that.

You seem thoughtful and insightful, I was stabbed by my ex boyfriend of 5 years, took me a long time to slowly heal, but you will define yourself another way someday, just give yourself the time u need, your self awareness will heal you.

I’m sorry that that happened to you. Nobody deserves that, especially from somebody that you trust. I hope for your healing.

1)Are you in therapy ?

2) How are you managing relationships with significant others ?

3) How is your brother ?

1) yes I go, but it’s not really helping. I’m trying as many meds as I can right now.

2) I have a hard time controlling my temper when it comes to my relationship, but I have a very loving and supportive boyfriend who understands my mental health problems. I’m very grateful for him.

3) he’s doing okay. He’s 17 now and I’m proud to say that he’s joining coast guard. It will really help him. I just wish he wasn’t living with my dad.

Are you in a CBT or DBT program?

Have you studied borderline personality at all? There are good chances for recovery but you will have to put in allot of hard work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-WHW-QNswE

If you do have comorbidity one on one therapy and group would be of most benefit.

I am not in DBT. My insurance doesn’t cover it. Standard therapy doesn’t work for me. I’m learning how to recognize my own patterns and what is good and what is bad. I put a lot of research in it first because I didn’t want to accept the diagnosis.

https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131/ref=nodl_

Wonderful workbook! And much much cheaper than day treatment!

Ty!

How is your mom doing now? Do you still keep in contact with her or do you shut her out of your life completely? Do you still go to school? Stay strong, you’ll get over this

My mom just got out of jail, this time for kidnapping a kid that she thought was my baby sister. She ruined her brain because of the drugs. I want to cut her out but I have bad abandonment issues because of the mental health issues that mainly she and my dad caused... I wish I went to school for English but I can’t afford it. I had bad grades in high school because I just lacked the motivation. I still feel like I do to this day. I think I just posted this to show that sometimes, it’s ok to be weak...

What is something you enjoy doing or that helps with coping with your depression/anxiety?

I mean honestly, smoking weed. It’s like a medicine for my anxiety. It helps me calm down. Especially during a panic attack... I know it’s not 100% healthy but it could be worse. I also like to watch Daria... and regression helps as much as I’m ashamed to say it..

Daria 👍

You seem very well spoken (esp. considering on mobile), do you also write?

I used to write a lot in high school. It was a vent for me. Unfortunately since I graduated high school I don’t really have any motivation or interests anymore. I miss it a lot, but every time I try I just get disinterested. I still appreciate good grammar and well constructed sentences.

Also yes Daria is my spirit character. I love her.

Cool. Inspiration has a way of ebbing and flowing. I hope you discover yours again with writing or whatever may find you.

One more question, if you don't mind.. Are you familiar with/are you interested at all in MDMA assisted therapy?

Yes! I have been interested since I heard of it.... I truly think it could help with my PTSD

It has helped my brother and I a lot. I don't mean to bring focus back to drugs, but you mentioned weed so I thought you may also be interested in responsible mdma use as a tool in healing.

Once it’s legal I will be doing it. I will do anything to heal.

As I can relate to panic attacks, how bad do you get them? And how do you deal with them? I get anxiety attacks which I can handle mostly but my panic attacks when I had them were very severe to the point where I lay down thinking I was about to pass (it was my first panic attack). I've tried weed since but it makes my heart race crazy which I don't like as it resembles a panic attack. (I also suggest looking into CBD oil as my mum works in a vape shop and has countless people buy it and put a few drops under their tongue to calm themselves.)

You were probably taking a sativa. I mainly stick to indicas... I get them pretty bad, as due to my Borderline I experience emotions to the extreme. Even little things can feel like the worst thing ever. The only thing I can do is suffer and try to smoke and if that doesn’t work I really just have to wait.

I don't know if you've got a medical cannabis card in MD (if you're still in MD), but that could be helpful to you, at least for anxiety/panic.

Do you do any writing/journaling? That seems like something that could work for you.

I would love to do that, but I have no clue where to start. I’d like to start a short story article...

There's a book called The Artist's Way. It's easy to find, even in second-hand stores. The author's really spiritual and really into "Everyone's an artist!" and that might be annoying, but take from it what you need. It's got ways to use things like writing to develop yourself as a person and as an artist.

I like the way you tell your story, even though it's a horrible story and I hate that you had to endure it.

I had another version of it but it was much longer. If anyone is interested, here it is:

When I was a very young girl, my life was great. My parents weren’t rich or anything, but we were making it by, and I was happy. I was sure my parents loved me. I was living with my grandparents for a while until my grandfather kicked us out. My dad told me it was because of my mom- she was unappreciative of what my grandparents were doing for her. We ended up moving into a new house.

My dad was working as a construction worker when he had an accident and broke his arm. That was when he was put on painkillers. I suspect that’s what started my dads addiction- and soon my moms. Both of my parents were heavily addicted to and involved with drugs by the time I was 6 or 7. I didn’t know it was wrong at the time. I was talking about how my parents sold drugs to a counselor once- CPS got involved and I got in trouble with my parents. Nothing came out of it though and my school offered THEM money to drive us to school because we were out of bounds for the school (we got a boundary acceptance.) During that time we were living with my grandmother. She is now homeless and takes crack.... she spent all of her husbands retirement money on drugs.

My grandmother and my parents living together was short lived. They just couldn’t get along in the same house. That was when my nightmare started.

I can’t remember if I was 7 or 8, but that was when we moved to a little town in West Virginia. The house was trashed and my parents did nothing to fix it. I remember when I lived there walking in on my parents strung out, falling asleep sitting up... they always had cigarette burns in their sheets from it.

Once my dad had a drug induced seizure when he was walking me to school there. I didn’t know what to do. I just remember being terrified.

There was another instance when my dad had to take my dog to the hospital because my brothers puppy had a seizure. He was too strung out to go, but we still went. He passed out in the car and crashed into a van. Luckily both cars were fine and he just drove away. My real nightmare happened when I was 10, though. I had just turned 10 about 6 days before. We came back to my home state to visit my family. We stayed at my great aunts house without her permission. She was out of town for her birthday. It was her birthday that day.

My parents were arguing about my dads best friend at the time. She was a girl and my mom was always jealous... I was trying to get them to stop arguing. That’s when my mom picked me up by my hair against the wall and told me to mind my own business. I was really scared at the time. I think my brother didn’t really know what was going on. He was 8 at the time.

I don’t know what happened between then and the moment my mother made us get into the car. That’s when I remember my dad pleading for us to get out of the car. My mom sped off and tried to hit him. She missed thankfully. She was going fast and my dad had an old steel car. It would have killed him. At the end of the neighborhood my aunt lived in, I remember those devastating words- “I’m going to crash into the next car I see. Buckle up. I don’t want you to die like me.” But a part of me thinks she did. She was very religious... maybe she thought I would “go to heaven with her,”... my brother and I were in the hospital for 5 or so days. My mom had stabbed her self with a screwdriver after the incident. My mother ended up in jail, but she took a plea and ended up getting out when I was 13.

Since then, she has been abusing hard drugs- I know that she’s taken crack, meth, and heroin. She was on crack when she had my baby sister, who is now 3, and she did it when she was pregnant with my brother. Both of them are in foster care... I love them both deeply and miss them. I really want a relationship with them. My baby siblings are my everything. Despite all of this, my mom still thinks she deserves and demands respect.

I’d say that was the peak of my nightmare, but it didn’t stop there. My dad continued to abuse drugs after the event occurred. He ended up going to jail for selling, but only for a month. My grandmother mostly raised me from the time the crash happened, though... she passed away when I think I was 15. I felt abandoned at that point. Even before that I had no adult to show me how to be an adult... I feel stuck now.

The house that I was living in slowly went to shit, even with my grandfather there. Nobody helped my brother and I keep the house together, and we weren’t really taught responsibility... trash laid around everywhere.

The water rarely worked in the house. I remember a period of time where I went 6 months without running water. I felt nasty... I couldn’t even cook at my house or have meals. We always ate fast food. Sometimes I’d go weeks having only 1 meal a day. Sometimes my dad forgot to feed me. There was never any food in the house.

There was also a time where we went a whole summer without AC. It wouldn’t have been a problem, but there were no opening windows in my dads trailer. He had an AC in his room, but my brother and I were left in the hotbox of a trailer. I remember the house getting above 100° inside. There was also mold growing in the trailer. It was bad for my Asthma. I recently moved out and decided to call him out for the years of abuse. He started yelling at me for blaming my problems on other people... after that I outed him to my stepmom for continuing to take methadone even when he said he had stopped. He got mad and started yelling about who outed him to her instead of taking responsibility for what he did. He had been doing it for over a year but I was too afraid to tell her because I was afraid of getting kicked out. He lied to her and said he was only doing it again for a month.

After all of these years, I now suffer from borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. Some doctors have contemplated if I also have bipolar disorder. I have a good support system now, and an amazing and wonderful boyfriend, but without my parents I feel lost and like a piece of me is missing. I have trust issues with most adults now, and tend to push a lot of people away. I also feel scared of my own thoughts and emotions. I feel like I can’t escape it and I’ve spiraled down a deep hole that I can’t climb back out of. I can’t hold down a job, and I have no money to go to college to get a job that my mental illness can handle. I’m not sure if I’ll ever heal or be normal again. But at least I have my two best friends and my boyfriend, all of whom I love. I just wish my story would have a happy ending.

Thank you got being so strong, proud of you for getting through those tough times. Would a different therapist possibly make a difference? Or group therapy? It can take months - even years - to take affect.

You had years of trauma. It can take years to undo all that, ya know?

Right now group therapy isn’t the right choice for me, as I have a hard time relating to other people at the moment and need to focus on myself (sorry if that sounds selfish.) I do want to change my therapist but I’m afraid to hurt his feeling. My abandonment issues goes both ways 😅

What do you say when other kids complain about their parents?

I realize that others have struggles with their parents, but some people don’t realize how good they have it, like my boyfriends sister. She is so mean to her mom but her mom is the sweetest person I know. I tell her mom that her daughter will appreciate her mom one day, and that if she met my mother she would definitely learn to appreciate her mom more.

Honestly, it’s kind of devastating to see people treat their good parents bad, because I would kill for a good relationship with my parents...

I know, it’s hard to see others treat their parents badly.

I just hope that anyone reading this sits and thinks about what their parents have done for them (taken that their parents weren’t abusive...) and then go give them a big hug and say thank you... because they could have had my parents.

I saw up that you have borderline, have you tried DBT? My girlfriend is current in DBT and it is really helping her as normal therapy didn’t help at all.

Yes, I’ve heard of it. There are no DBT places easily accessible to me and my insurance doesn’t cover most, though.

I believe there is some stuff online, not as intensive. There’s certain things you can learn and practices you can use. Maybe look into some of them? That’s a lot of stuff to have on your plate honestly. Even having a good boyfriend is hard with relationships.

Where are your parents now?

We’re there any signs or previous drug use before your dads accident?

My dad lives with his girlfriend and my brother, and my mom just got out of jail for attempted kidnap (under the influence) and she lives with her dad for now.

Yes, I knew my whole life my parents were on drugs or selling them. I just didn’t know it was bad until I got older and realized how strung out they always were.

Did you ever learn how did it start? Were you a perfectly normal family until your father broke his arm and got perscription drugs? Is this one instance of the opioid epidemic?

My dad did a lot of party drugs when he was young but he didn’t abuse them until he broke his arm. I would say it is.

1. What do you currently find enjoyable in your life/What makes you feel like life is worth living still? Sports? Games? Movies? Social media? Technology? Volunteering? Politics?

2. What are your long-term goals for your life?

3. What do you want most right now?

4. Where so you honestly think your parents should be? In jail the rest of their lives? Dead? An asylum? Therapy?

1. The only thing that really keeps me going is my boyfriend, my two best friends, and the hope to see my baby siblings again.

2. I’m not sure. I feel lost. But I’d like to own a weed farm one day and maybe have a kid or two. I feel like I was meant to be a mom.

3. To not be stuck in my mental illness. To just be a normal person.

Have you thought about moving to a different state for fresh start?

I think that would help a lot....moving to a different part of the country to restart your life is like giving yourself a second chance.....

I would if I had the money to, but I don’t. I really want to move to Colorado though. I have an apartment with my boyfriend though.

What state are you currently in and why do you want to move to Colorado?

I currently live in Maryland. I want to live in Colorado because of its tolerance and weed laws (:

Are you planning to start a weed business?

It would be an absolute dream. I want to start a food truck first though so I can earn the money to move to colarado and start a weed business (:

Girl. The answer to a lifetime messed up by drugs is not...drugs. Doesn’t matter that it’s sort of legal now. Just get away from all of it. Don’t surround yourself with it, even if it’s what you know. One day you might be able to get ahold of your siblings and make a new family.

The weed I smoke is not like the drugs my parents took and I’d appreciate if you didn’t compare it as such. I use it as an antidepressant.

Ok, but that’s not what weed it, no matter what the people who sell it tell you. Cherry Coke is still Coke, know what I mean? Take care of yourself, that’s all I am saying.

Obviously you haven’t done much research into the subject, and I have. Don’t sit here and act like you know what you’re talking about. I grew up around drugs. I know what they do to people. My parents never ONCE smoked weed and they are the way they are now... weed is far less hurtful than HEROIN CRACK AND METH... So yeah. Don’t compare them. End of story.

Nobody tells me anything. Unlike you, I can form my own opinion.

[deleted]

Thank you for your amazing compassion.

What are you doing now?

When I first saw havre de grace I was a bit shocked. I live in Bel Air lol.

That’s crazy lmao.

Right now I’m living with my boyfriend and focusing on my mental health. He’s very supportive.

Did you see the play Dear Evan Hansen? You will be found.

You might enjoy it.

I’ll be sure to check it out!

When will you don a mask and cape and seek vengeance?

I’d rather my parents just accept their actions... but when they don’t, because I know they won’t.

I’ve been to Havre de Grace and that part of MD. Wild mix of charming and, well, not-so-charming. It has character, anyway. What’s one thing that makes you smile?

I have 4 hermit crabs. I think they are super cute and they make me happy.

They’re so fun for crustaceans.

I have a big crabitat for them but they don’t appreciate it and just burrow down. Bastards

They have little ‘tudes!

My babies love to come out and look at me

Do you have fibromyalgia by any chance? It’s caused by stress and trauma.

I’m not sure. My doctors told me that it’s not actually a bone issue, but a muscular issue.

When I was a very young girl, my life was great. My parents weren’t rich or anything, but we were making it by, and I was happy. I was sure my parents loved me. I was living with my grandparents for a while until my grandfather kicked us out. My dad told me it was because of my mom- she was unappreciative of what my grandparents were doing for her. We ended up moving into a new house.

My dad was working as a construction worker when he had an accident and broke his arm. That was when he was put on painkillers. I suspect that’s what started my dads addiction- and soon my moms. Both of my parents were heavily addicted to and involved with drugs by the time I was 6 or 7. I didn’t know it was wrong at the time. I was talking about how my parents sold drugs to a counselor once- CPS got involved and I got in trouble with my parents. Nothing came out of it though and my school offered THEM money to drive us to school because we were out of bounds for the school (we got a boundary acceptance.) During that time we were living with my grandmother. She is now homeless and takes crack.... she spent all of her husbands retirement money on drugs.

My grandmother and my parents living together was short lived. They just couldn’t get along in the same house. That was when my nightmare started.

I can’t remember if I was 7 or 8, but that was when we moved to a little town in West Virginia. The house was trashed and my parents did nothing to fix it. I remember when I lived there walking in on my parents strung out, falling asleep sitting up... they always had cigarette burns in their sheets from it.

Once my dad had a drug induced seizure when he was walking me to school there. I didn’t know what to do. I just remember being terrified.

There was another instance when my dad had to take my dog to the hospital because my brothers puppy had a seizure. He was too strung out to go, but we still went. He passed out in the car and crashed into a van. Luckily both cars were fine and he just drove away. My real nightmare happened when I was 10, though. I had just turned 10 about 6 days before. We came back to my home state to visit my family. We stayed at my great aunts house without her permission. She was out of town for her birthday. It was her birthday that day.

My parents were arguing about my dads best friend at the time. She was a girl and my mom was always jealous... I was trying to get them to stop arguing. That’s when my mom picked me up by my hair against the wall and told me to mind my own business. I was really scared at the time. I think my brother didn’t really know what was going on. He was 8 at the time.

I don’t know what happened between then and the moment my mother made us get into the car. That’s when I remember my dad pleading for us to get out of the car. My mom sped off and tried to hit him. She missed thankfully. She was going fast and my dad had an old steel car. It would have killed him. At the end of the neighborhood my aunt lived in, I remember those devastating words- “I’m going to crash into the next car I see. Buckle up. I don’t want you to die like me.” But a part of me thinks she did. She was very religious... maybe she thought I would “go to heaven with her,”... my brother and I were in the hospital for 5 or so days. My mom had stabbed her self with a screwdriver after the incident. My mother ended up in jail, but she took a plea and ended up getting out when I was 13.

Since then, she has been abusing hard drugs- I know that she’s taken crack, meth, and heroin. She was on crack when she had my baby sister, who is now 3, and she did it when she was pregnant with my brother. Both of them are in foster care... I love them both deeply and miss them. I really want a relationship with them. My baby siblings are my everything. Despite all of this, my mom still thinks she deserves and demands respect.

I’d say that was the peak of my nightmare, but it didn’t stop there. My dad continued to abuse drugs after the event occurred. He ended up going to jail for selling, but only for a month. My grandmother mostly raised me from the time the crash happened, though... she passed away when I think I was 15. I felt abandoned at that point. Even before that I had no adult to show me how to be an adult... I feel stuck now.

The house that I was living in slowly went to shit, even with my grandfather there. Nobody helped my brother and I keep the house together, and we weren’t really taught responsibility... trash laid around everywhere.

The water rarely worked in the house. I remember a period of time where I went 6 months without running water. I felt nasty... I couldn’t even cook at my house or have meals. We always ate fast food. Sometimes I’d go weeks having only 1 meal a day. Sometimes my dad forgot to feed me. There was never any food in the house.

There was also a time where we went a whole summer without AC. It wouldn’t have been a problem, but there were no opening windows in my dads trailer. He had an AC in his room, but my brother and I were left in the hotbox of a trailer. I remember the house getting above 100° inside. There was also mold growing in the trailer. It was bad for my Asthma. I recently moved out and decided to call him out for the years of abuse. He started yelling at me for blaming my problems on other people... after that I outed him to my stepmom for continuing to take methadone even when he said he had stopped. He got mad and started yelling about who outed him to her instead of taking responsibility for what he did. He had been doing it for over a year but I was too afraid to tell her because I was afraid of getting kicked out. He lied to her and said he was only doing it again for a month.

After all of these years, I now suffer from borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. Some doctors have contemplated if I also have bipolar disorder. I have a good support system now, and an amazing and wonderful boyfriend, but without my parents I feel lost and like a piece of me is missing. I have trust issues with most adults now, and tend to push a lot of people away. I also feel scared of my own thoughts and emotions. I feel like I can’t escape it and I’ve spiraled down a deep hole that I can’t climb back out of. I can’t hold down a job, and I have no money to go to college to get a job that my mental illness can handle. I’m not sure if I’ll ever heal or be normal again. But at least I have my two best friends and my boyfriend, all of whom I love. I just wish my story would have a happy ending.

TL;DR Parents started drugs when I was young. Things eventually spiraled out of control and I saw them strung out. Mom eventually went crazy and tried to kill me and little brother. Dad and mom unapologetic for ruining my childhood.

Why the hell she done this? I Mean ... was she blackmailed/force by someone???

My mother now suffers from schizophrenia I think from her brain being damaged from the drugs. She always had bad mental health issues.

May God help her with good health!

I think she should face the electric chair tbh... she’s ruined 4 children’s lives.

Regarding my situation, no. She was abusing antidepressants, muscle relaxers, anti anxieties... anything prescription at the time really.

She came out of jail after 3 years and got on harder drugs, where she tried to kidnap a kid she thought was her youngest daughter. In that case, she took a lot of meth, owed people a lot of money, and got manipulated into thinking that... my sister was in foster care.

What do you do to get away from reality?

I smoke weed and watch an adult cartoon. Right now, I’m working on Daria, which is my new favorite... I also like disenchantment, Paradise PD, Beavis and Butthead, American Dad (I love Hayley), and Big Mouth. I also like to write sometimes.

Do you forgive either of your parents for what they’ve done?

I’ve really tried, but it’s hard... because as I get older I realize more and more how I was abused. It was less clear when I was younger... and I’m hurt because the two people I thought I could trust turned out to be the people I trust the least.