This week is Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Week, I am a father who lost a child at 28 weeks, AMA

Hey man. I went through something similar at 25 weeks this year which was put down to a cordal incident. Post mortem showed the cord was too short and narrow as he was growing and depending on it, it wasn’t up to the job. Anyway. I don’t think it’s something that could have been prevented or seen beforehand. The whole experience has put me off having kids now. When did you stop wanting to roundhouse kick every new parent and child? Mines still pretty fresh.

OOOhhh very good question brother.

Firstly, apologies in a way, I never like to say sorry for your loss, because it just doesn't do justice. But I will say I am here for you brother if you ever need to chat or rant or anything.

The wanting to roundhouse kick any new parents, that feeling, it was sooo strong at the start, I understand it brother. It started to go away for me personally after about a year, my wife on the other hand, nope, still with her well and truly lol.

The ones that get me now are the ones that don't appreciate their kids. The ones that shout at and refuse to pick up their kids in public. They are the ones I wan't to roundhouse kick now. Im sure that will go in time...... though maybe not.

Thank you again for your question brother and if you ever need me I'm here.

Do you have any advice for supporting others who have lost a child?

My sister miscarried yesterday and I just want to support her and her family as much as possible.

I agree with the other comments here, its a case of be there, understand and generally listen.

Just be there for them.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

What is your daughter’s name?

Did you have a funeral service for her?

How has the loss of your daughter affected your marriage?

What do you wish people knew about infant loss?

Thank you.

Oohh, good questions.

My Daughter was called Lexi Jayne,

We did have a funeral, we were very lucky in that the hospital actually paid for the funeral in full for us. Though we also found out that if by chance they didn't most funeral directors will do a childs funeral for free. We did have a full service (though not too religious as were both atheist) with cars and flowers (we had to pay for those understandably). We got to see her in the chapel of rest and say our final goodbyes properly as a family. I actually carried her coffin (casket) into the crematorium and I can honestly say this was the heaviest box I have ever carried. It's something I needed to do though and something I will never forget.

This is a difficult one, Child loss can REALLY effect a marriage, thankfully me and my wife are still together, we are still happy together, though we are both different people to what we were when we first met. We always said if by chance it did break us up we would take some time apart and re-visit our relationship a few months later. Thankfully we never had to do this. We both have our good and bad days but we support each other through this as best we can.

What I wish people knew.

I wish people would understand, losing a child is different to losing any other relative. When you lose a parent or a grand parent, you kind of expect that to happen at some point. When you lose a child everything changes, the grief is different, its not something that you get over.

I have been told numerous times now that I should be over my loss, this is something I will not get over and I will continue to try to talk about.

Also its okay to talk to parents who have lost children about their child and their specific experience. Everyone is different but we all like to talk about our little angels.

Thank you for your question

We had a miscarriage after three years of trying. You’re spot on with the grief, it’s totally different. For me, most deaths you mourn what you had. With the unborn baby I mourn what was to be. Thankfully our little rainbow baby was born 13 months later.

Congrats on your rainbow baby. Its just horrible we need to go through the storm before we see the rainbow.

Who told you that you should be over your loss? How did they do so? I just cannot imagine such a thing.

Friends, Family they think its just like any other loss so cannot contemplate how difficult it is.

Just basically said, come on don't you think you should be over this by now.

Thats just how it is,

This is probably a stupid question, but can you explain why a lost child affects a marriage so badly?

Not OP, but I imagine just that it’s an impossibly tough and traumatic experience to go through. I think it actually gets harder after the initial death wears off because two people are going to have two different ways of coping and taking the next step. If either person in the relationship tries to guilt their partner into doing it “their way” instead of figuring it out for themselves it will eventually drive resentment and most likely separation.

I can’t imagine your hurt OP. Thoughts are with you and your family.

Basically...... this.

It can take a form of PTSD and depending on how you cope reflects on your relationships with other people. Some close down and reject everyone from their lives and some welcome the help.

Thankfully we helped each other and understood and that made us stronger if anything.

The key is talking

Hi. Do you celebrate her birthday? I know someone close who had this happen but I feel like I am never allowed to talk about it.

Yes we do, we have a little remembrance and time to reflect on the 15th, the day she died, and last year on the 20th (the day she was born) a bunch of friends and family got together and we did a lantern release at the beach. Then went back to ours, had some cake and generally chilled and it was kind of like a little party.

Its a funny thing child loss because it is SOOOO Taboo you feel you can't talk about it, I understand that because I had friends who lost children too and I didn't think it was right to talk about it either.

But since losing a child I can tell you the opposite is what is wanted. No parent who has lost a child wants their child to be forgotten, we want to talk about it but we are also aware how uncomfortable people feel talking about it. Its a catch 22. The best thing you could do my friend is talk to those who have lost a child, ask about them, let them talk about their child and how beautiful they were. I can assure you it will mean the world to them.

Thank you for your question

As a labor and delivery nurse I sometimes take care of patients whose babies have died. What were some things the nurses/doctors said or did that made the situation better or worse?

This is a brilliant one.

As a Labor and Delivery Nurse (we call them midwives in the UK), you guys deal with us first hand. Personally I would like to thank you for the work that you do. You have no idea how much you help us just by being there.

With regards to your question.

I would avoid things like "well you can always have another" or "atleast you already have one" if twins and 1 survives never say "well atleast you have the other one". That is a huge key.

I'm not saying give special treatment to those who are facing a loss but keep them near the back with an easy exit should it be needed. Try to keep other pregnant mothers away from their room while delivering, we hear it all from pushing to baby crying.

Things to say, just be a friend, be a shoulder to cry on when needed. One night we spoke to our midwive about her dogs and her horses, this was at 3am and I am sure she was exhausted.

When Lexi was born all our midwives came in to see her and acted like she was any other child. Asked if they could have a hold, commented on how beautiful she was etc. You guys are awesome and keep being awesome

Thank you for posting this. It’s nice to know other dads are out there and coping with this. In your experience have people tended to write off your pain and emotions because you are male? It was something that I struggled with and still do. I lost my daughter too but whenever it got brought up to me everyone asked how my wife was holding up instead of how are you two holding up.

Me and my wife became to completely different people after we lost our daughter. Have you become bitter or angry? If so how are controlling it or dealing with it?

Hi Brother

Again I offer my ear to you if you ever want to rant, talk about your child or anything, I am here in this shitty club with you.

I do tend to find that a lot of the time dad's are forgotten in the whole childloss process. People will always ask how my wife is when it gets close to anniversaries and not ask how I am too.

I would love to tell you about some of the comments I have got but I don't think its appropriate to tell as they weren't very nice lol. But everyone acts differently.

I think as males we are expected to suck it up and get on with stuff, we are there to take care of our partners while they grieve then we grieve in silence. I was lucky in the fact my partner ensured this didn't happen, she is still my rock when I am having a tough time as I am hers too. We both lost a child, not just one of us. She will say this all the time to enforce the fact that I am included too.

We definitely became different people but thankfully still compatible. We understand that we have gone through a VERY traumatic time and sometimes we just need time to get shit out or sit in silence. Its fine, We will always talk at the end of it.

I don't think anyone can go through what we have without being bitter or angry. We have days where we are just angry at the world for taking our daughter away. We will ask, why us? what did we do to deserve this? are we bad people?.

Its hard to control and how to say we control it. I think the best way I can describe it is, we kind of go into our own little bubble where everything said stays and is okay to be said. There is no judgement in the bubble, its our secure space where we can say what we want. That I think helped us through a lot and still does.

Remember it's you and ya wife that went through this and you need to do this shit together, not separate and not with other people getting involved. This is between you and your wife, if that makes sense? I feel I may have just rambled.

I hope this answers your question,

Thank you

I had a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks, the pain was immense. I can't imagine what you and your wife went through after 28 weeks of dreaming and hoping. I am sorry for your loss.

Four weeks after my D&C upon learning I had my period, closest friend of my mother in law, with whom I always got along, said," tut, periods again, so no pregnancy yet?" I never said anything to her but I broke down later.

What can people say to console you that will definitely not offend you? What kind of words will help? Or may be dont ask and say anything at all. People need to educate themselves. What helped you and your wife?

The issue here is offence is personal to the person you say it too.

For example I have no problem with people saying to me "I'm sorry for your loss" though I know others who are deeply offended by this which is why I try not to say it personally.

Its just a case of ask people how they are doing, one of the big ones is don't avoid those who have lost a child. We're still people and we love to talk especially about our child/children. Just be there for both parents and let them rant/rave etc

Made an effort just to ask, how you doing?

How you holding up, man? Do you feel it could have been prevented?

Honestly dude, I have good days and I have bad days. This time of year is always a trigger point and Christmas will never be the same again. Today in all honesty is a particular rough day as I dreamt about having a rainbow baby (a baby after a loss) so things really are in the forefront of my mind.

Could it have been prevented? I am not sure.

Let me explain, One of the anomalies she had was called an Umbilical Vein Varix which, in essence, meant the vein in her umbilical cord was slightly enlarged at a point which would increase and sometimes decrease blood flow to her.

Post Mortem it was also discovered she had a Whartons Jelly Deficiency. This is basically the Gel that keeps the cord in tact and stops it collapsing. I know thats a load of information there but bear with me.

So her official death was related as a cord accident brought on by Whartons Jelly Deficiency. This is what perplexes me, Umbilical Vein Varix is measured in mm, from the moment we found it the measurements were always 10 mm. On her last scan the measurement was 14mm. We were advised not to be concerned but a week later she was dead. (apologies if this next bit is TMI) When she was born there was also what looked like blood in her stomach and abdomen which, in my opinion, looked like the vein burst and she should have been brought out when that varix enlarged by 40%. But at the end of the day, I'm no doctor so I cannot know 100%, I will let you judge.

Thank you for your question

This is an AMA right?

...... So what's your favorite chocolate bar?

you know what sir, you make a good point.

Favourite chocolate bar is probably an Aero.

Thank you for posting, and for sharing these memories with us even though I'm sure they are still painful. When did you break the news with your families that your daughter no longer had a heartbeat, and how did they take it?

Thank you for your question.

We broke the news pretty much immediately after we found out. I still remember the call to my mum, we were sat in the room we knew she was gone. I called my mum and just said "bad news mam, Lexi's gone". She couldn't comprehend it, all I remember is her crying and saying I will see you soon. It was a very surreal moment. My wifes parents drove straight to the hospital and helped her to start the process of being induced.

We all just kind of pulled together, me and my wife went into our little bubble and we would get messages and visits off parents and family to make sure all was okay.

We were in the hospital for 4 days while my wife was induced. We tried to keep visits to a minimum at this point but texts were constant. Though we did get some food deliveries and some cigarettes (we did stop smoking I might add as soon as we found we were pregnant but when she died we started again).

Ont he day she was born we allowed immediate family to come and see her, hold her, talk to her, give her little kisses as you would with any baby. It was just a more sombre occasion.

Everyone got the opportunity to come to the funeral though certain close family members declined too. We don't speak to them anymore. Not just for that but other things around the funeral time that have no bearing here. But lets put it this way, my uncle is a dick lol.

I think everyone understood that we were in pain, we were suffering, some understood more than others and some tried to say it was worse for them (haha it wasn't). But generally people understand, What gets us now is a lot of people do tend to forget about Lexi and we fight to keep her memory alive.

But again thats understandable as it was our loss, not theirs.

Thanks for your question

This will be invasive please feel free to skip.

You say that she was born.
Did your wife have to have an abortion/D&E?

I know it’s shitty to ask but I have a friend who’s daughter stopped developing (no brain) and she needed to undergo this procedure rather than birth. It’s not an issue to get in our state but I know that other states attempt to ban abortions around the 20 week mark. I bring it up because I feel that people don’t know that the procedure can be used for nonviable pregnancies. It was very hard on my friend and her family (her husband and 2 little boys), her daughter was very much wanted but they chose the option to terminate.

So, the way things happened. My wife went for a normal midwive appointment, they put the doppler on and couldn't find a heartbeat. At that point I was called to collect her and take her to our local hospital. At that point it was confirmed she had died.

Because she was 28 weeks she had to give birth like she would a normal baby only ours wouldn't cry when she came out. Im not sure about the procedure at 20 weeks but the fetus will be a lot smaller. I don't know if that means a chemical miscarriage can be done or whether they have to give birth too. I don't know

Thank you for your question

What are your thoughts on terminating for medical reasons? Either because of the viability of the baby or the health of the mother.

Just a couple months ago, our daughter was diagnosed with anencephaly at 21 weeks. No senses and no chance to live. Without loving her any less, we immediately knew we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. It was that or a guarantee to watch her die a few minutes after birth.

I could barely find stories of other moms who went through this, couldn't find those terms in any support website. It made me feel quite alone. It's still very much a loss but apparently not talked about, so I guess very much a taboo.

Thats a good question.

Medical termination is quite again a taboo subject. My personal belief is I agree with this. If the baby is going to die and if the baby is going to cause issues for the mother then you do what needs to be done.

Again every circumstance is different. If it was going to effect the life of my wife I would terminate in a heartbeat. My wife may feel different, thats just my opinion.

Thanks

Sorry for your loss mate. My brother and his fiancé are going through something very similar right now, what can I do to best help/support them?

This is a great question.

In my opinion, the best you can do is listen to them and talk to them about their child. Yes our children are gone but we still want to talk about them. About how beautiful they are, how were feeling about them. Never discourage the talk away from their child. Encourage it.

Recommend they seek out childloss charities, I can give you lots of information on support groups if you like, just drop me a message.

Its just a case of being there for them

Thank you for your question

I am so sorry for your loss. As a medical student who will be doing my obstetrics rotation in the near future, what can doctors (or others in the healthcare team) do better to be more supportive in a time like this? Sometimes I am scared of saying the wrong thing to a grieving family and end up being avoidant.

OOOH good question.

Its a difficult one this. Its a balancing act of being involved but not too involved and only when needed. We had some AMAZING midwives on our floor who would sit and just chat with us all through the night about everything and anything. I recall one night we were chatting about dogs and horses lol.

But on the flip side when we were upset they were there as a comfort to us.

I guess if i was going to give any advice, if they have kids already or if its twins, dont say well at least you have xxxx. Don't mention trying again that will come in time. Let the patient volunteer what they want to talk about, trust me, they will.

Just be there as an understanding friend (for want of a better word)

Do any of you who have miscarried or lost their infants have any recommendations for how best to share pregnancy news with a good friend who lost her baby at full term?

One of my good friends lost her baby very unexpectedly at 40 weeks and is, understandably, wracked with grief. I want to be supportive and sensitive to her when sharing the fact that I recently found out I'm expecting.

I know there's no way to take away her pain and suffering, but I want to minimize it as best I can. Any advice?

Oooh, this is a hard one.

In all honesty. There is going to be no easy way to do this.

Okay,

I can give you an example.

I have a friend who recently had a baby, she did things the best way possible.

Speak to her face to face if you can. Explain the fact that you're pregnant and wanted to tell her face to face instead of her finding out randomly via facebook.

Explain you're empathetic to her feelings and don't want to hurt her which is why you feel you have to tell her.

Don't upload constant pics of baby bumps and when your child is born try to be as sensitive as possible to her. I know this is asking a lot for the bereaved parent but its one of those that will help. Thats all I can recommend

Apologies everyone. I am aiming to get back to you all as soon as possible.

I am at work at the moment so its taking a while to reply to you all, but i will get back to you.

Thank you for your patience

Struggled over the course of about five years for us. Spent the first 9-12 months just trying to clear up pregnancy-related issues enough so that we could have a good chance at getting pregnant. Unfortunately, our first pregnancy was stillborn at 20 weeks, just as we came in to start finding out about gender. After trying for years more, and with some extra special medical help, it looks like maybe we'll be having our second child next year.

Do you feel like people have an especially large amount of empathy for mothers of stillborns/miscarriages/children who've passed away young, but have nothing to give or say to fathers?

Hey awesome on the second pregnancy, I will keep my fingers crossed for you both. I am sure the next 9 months are going to be petrifying for you. But you will get through it.

Yes I definitely find that though, dad's seem to get pushed aside when it comes to childloss like things are somehow less worse for us.

Don't get me wrong, I will never take anything away from the pain it must be to give birth to a dead child. That part is horrible and probably the worst thing anyone can go through. But the pain afterwards is shared between. Fathers had hopes and dreams too with the child, all the missed birthdays, hearing their first words, getting cuddles, everything. We all lost that future.

But again when it came down to it everyone would ask, so hows your wife?

Again i put it down to the taboo (if thats the right word looking at other posts) but it is what it is.

thank you for your question

Hey there, the world works in crazy ways sometimes...

I had an employee today come in bawling his eyes out. Him and his S.O. just lost their child last night, about 4-5 months along.

My question; What can someone like me do to help someone in this situation? Should someone on the outside try to help in general, or is this more of a personal battle?

Sorry for you loss, thanks for doing this.

It definitely does.

Personally, If you are the manager I would recommend you give your employee a few weeks off to grieve, full pay, Trust me he will come back better for it. I was given time off and I returned a much more appreciative employee for it.

Be there for them, understand that in time breakdowns will happen. Give them just a bit of rope so a bit extra personal time away from what they're doing.

They have some VERY tough days coming up and its going to be difficult

Just be there for the employee, be an awesome boss and understand

Thank you for posting this and bringing attention to it, especially from a Male point of view.

My wife and I have been doing IVF for over 2 years, she finally got pregnant, and found out there was a structural defect. Super hard to go through.

Do you have a recommendation for resources and support on this topic specifically for men? There seem to be things for my wife, but not for me.

This is one of the many reasons I decided to do this AMA.

There is NOTHING for fathers out there, everything is and will always be aimed towards the mother. Best thing you can do my friend is befriend other fathers going through the same situation as you, you can start with me if you like?,

This is a hard time we all need to stand together

December the 22nd 2000 was ours. I empathize. I'm sorry for your loss. Fathers are second place in these situations and I understand why, but we feel loss and because we're second place, we feel lost. I felt like I didn't have the same rights of grief and then felt guilty for feeling that way. It's tough. I'm sorry friend. Did you feel the same in any respect?

I do brother.

Fathers are there to look after their partners and aren't included in the whole loss thing. Thankfully my wife was very understanding and included me as much as possible.

This is one of the reasons I like to talk about it as it shows us fathers grieve too.

Hi mate, my wife and I went through this in March, our baby daughter was still born at 38 weeks.

My question for you is how did you cope in the months and years afterwards? I went back to work fairly quickly and to be honest, on a day-to-day basis I feel I'm coping with everything pretty well, but I know I've bottled it all up and buried it very deep inside. My worry is it's all going to come crashing back at some point and I'll have a melt down. What was your experience and do you have any advice?

I'm in the UK too by the way.

Cheers

Mate, you're probably spot on with what you're doing and I cannot deny I do it too.

Sometimes its what we have to do to make it through the day. Lexi died on the 15th of December, I was back at work on the 2nd of January so again rather quick back. You will crash I cannot deny it, but if you surround yourself with people who understand it or even people who don't but will help you, then you will be fine. Talk to your wife about this too. I know we need to be there for our partners but the key word is partner. Were in it together.

I am from Newcastle (I mention this cos of the mate and cheers remarks makes me think geordie too lol). I am here bud if things get too much just drop me a message and I will be there to help.

My husband and I are expecting our first next April. I am 13 weeks. That said, I am terrified we could lose the baby so I am afraid to really announce. I have already miscarried once. Our parents and siblings know. They keep asking if I'm excited and honestly I'm afraid to be. I'm afraid to be happy. On top of already being afraid, some friends of mine just lost their daughter at 22 weeks, a week ago. Knowing this is a possibility, I don't really want to tell people. I have my own fears to deal with. And I'm trying to be compassionate and empathetic toward my friends who recently lost their baby girl and others such as yourself and the other parents here who have grieved a child. So I was wondering, do you think it was better or worse for people to know that you were expecting when you had to tell them you had lost your child? How did that personally affect you? Also...because I want to be sensitive to this issue, is there a long enough time I could wait, to where it won't be quite as painful for my friends for me to announce? I know the wound is still fresh for them. I don't want to make it worse.

I will tell you a little story.

So our wedding anniversary is August, it just turned out that this date was around the 12 week mark so we decided, on our anniversary we would announce that we were expecting. As expected we got lots of congratulations on our walls and grandparents etc. We posted regular updates about our baby girls growth and how she was doing just as any expectant parent did.

The day she died, we knew we had to post to tell people, We let everyone know and we got a lot of messages of condolence and asking if there is anything that could be done. This also surprised us as other people started telling us their stories of loss. People we had no idea had lost in the past. It was incredibly moving to know we weren't alone and people could confide their story with us.

with regards to telling your friends, tell them privately, this will loosen the blow to them and make them feel like you have taken their feelings into consideration.

be gentle and i wish you luck, I hope you will let me know when your rainbow arrives.

I feel like I grieve for my baby all alone. Like he was only real to me. I feel like I can't talk about him to anyone else in my life and that feeling of isolation and grief is often unbearable. It's been just over two years now and I still can't see a happy baby without bursting into tears. I still have dreams about him ... most of the time I feel like I'm going completely mad. Does this pain ever go numb or will it always be fresh and sharp?

The pain will ease in time. Don't get me wrong, it won't go away, it will ease. You will have waves of grief and waves where you can cope through the day and everything is fine. It just depends on the day.

Surround yourself with those who understand, seek out groups who can help you, counselling does help too if its getting really bad. Though I would recommend avoiding Anti-Depressants because its not depression and definitely avoid alcohol. That shit will mess you up.

Im here if you ever need to talk

I’m so sorry. How is your wife doing?

Thank you for your question.

Like me she has her ups and downs. Every day is different.

She will likely see this but if not I will pass your regards on

Thank you

I'm so sorry. No one should have to go through losing a child, it's just not fair. I lost mine about 3 years ago at 7 weeks. I know that's really early in a pregnancy, but it still hurts just as much. Do you think you'll try to have any more children? After my experience I feel too terrified and distraught to possibly go through that again. Does that feeling ever go away?

I think there will always be a fear of trying again, will the same thing happen, will we lose another child.

We are open to the idea when our heads are in the right place but not until then. Though I know when we do its going to be a terrifying time. But we will work through it together.

I don't think that feeling will EVER go away

Thank you for your question

Not to be insensitive, but spontaneous miscarriages happen all the time during a womans gestational period. There is no "taboo" associated with child loss. It's an extremely emotional experience that affects parents for a long time, if not the duration of their lives. People often forget fathers are human, and "feel" the loss of their children equally as women do. I hope in time you can find peace and celebrate her short life rather than mourn it. That being said, are you open to the idea of "trying again" or are you tapping out of the breeding game?

I need to reply to this.

First off, this was not a spontaneous miscarriage, This was a stillbirth. There is a huge difference between the 2 (not saying one is less or more painful than the other, just that its different).

Plus there is a hell of a taboo around childloss especially with still birth. Did you know that not long ago babies that were stillborn were taken away, disposed of without the parents even being able to hold them?

Only in the past few years have people started talking about stillbirth and the effects it has. For example, we had to give birth to our dead child on a normal birthing ward, we could hear other people giving birth to their children, screaming, then hear the babies cry. This was day and night for 4 days.

We had counselling afterwards in one of the hospitals where we would go for scans. We had to walk through the scanning area to get to our counselling because no one thinks about those who have lost children, because no one talks about it.

There was a debate in the house of commons, it was more than half empty. Stillbirth and child loss in the UK is still quite taboo. I cannot agree with that initial sentiment.

On the other side though, We do celebrate her life, and we are definitely open to the idea of trying again, but we know this is going to be a scary time when we do. So for now we need to get our heads into the right place.

But not before then.

Thank you for your question