Spring is coming right up on us again, and it's time for muddy floors and carpets, get the hair out of your furniture, and some of y'all are gonna fuck up your vacuums. I'm here to make that go easier this year. Proof

First, I want to apologize to so many redditors who reached out to me and didn't get a reply. It's been a very difficult last several months for me. I hope you'll forgive me and that I can still be of use to you.

So, there are some interesting new developments in the premium vacuum world. Riccar and Miele have both introduced new BAGLESS vacuums and I'm not sure how I feel about it. The robotic vacuums are getting better. And, there are FINALLY full sized CORDLESS vacuums coming onto the market.

Let's get into this!

So, on to business...here's the copypasta. First AMA (archived) Second AMA (Open) Last AMA (Open) YouTube Channel Here's some basics to get you started: Dollar for dollar, a bagged vacuum, when compared to a bagless, will almost always: 1) Perform better (Actual quality of cleaning). 2) Be in service for much longer. 3) Cost less to repair and maintain (Often including consumables). 4) Filter your air better. Virtually every vacuum professional in the business chooses a bagged vacuum for their homes, because we know what quality is. Things you should do to maintain your vac, regularly: 1) Clear your brush roller/agitator of hair and fibers. Clear the bearing caps as well, if possible. (monthly) 2) Change your belts before they break. This is important to maintain proper tension against the agitator. (~ yearly for "stretch" belts) 3) Never use soap when washing any parts of your vacuum, including the outer bag, duct system, agitator, filters, etc. Soap attracts dirt, and is difficult to rinse away thoroughly. Types of vacs: 1) Generally, canister vacs are quieter and more versatile than uprights are. They offer better filtration, long lifespans, and ease of use. They handle bare floors best, and work with rugs and carpets, as well. 2) Upright vacuums are used mostly for homes that are entirely carpeted. Many have very powerful motors, great accessories, and are available in a couple of different motor styles. Nothing cleans shag carpeting like the right upright. 3) Bagless vacs are available in a few different styles. They rely on filters and a variety of aerodynamic methods to separate the dirt from the air. In general, these machines do not clean or filter as well as bagged vacuums. They suffer from a loss of suction, and tend to clog repeatedly, if the filters are not cleaned or replaced often. 4) Bagged vacuums use a disposable bag to collect debris, which acts as your primary filter, before the air reaches the motor, and is replaced when you fill it. Because this first filter is changed, regularly, bagged vacuums tend to provide stronger, more consistent suction. My last, best piece of advice is to approach a vacuum, like any appliance; Budget for the best one you can get. Buy one with idea you will maintain it, and use it for many years. And, for the love of Dog, do not buy from late-night infomercials or door-to-door salesmen! Stay out of the big-box stores, and visit your local professional who actually knows what they're talking about.

Comments: 2097 • Responses: 86  • Date: 

MattBaster673 karma

What kind of fucking coffee are you drinking?

touchmyfuckingcoffee885 karma

I didn't get to Costco yesterday for my 2 pound bag, so I'm drinking 7-11's Brazilian Dark since it's cheap and isn't fucking burnt like everything at Starfucks.

buffalostance148 karma

Ruta Maya coffee from Costco is fucking gangster.

touchmyfuckingcoffee67 karma

I'm not familiar with it. I will have to check it out.

ShotgunMavericks0162 karma

and isn't fucking burnt like everything at Starfucks.

Damn truth! Everything in starbucks that includes milk tastes too strong and burnt.

At one point in time, Starbucks was good. But then the fad came up where every boss'es intern/assistant would be there during lunch time and get a couple. This caught up. Now its just a brand and nothing more.

touchmyfuckingcoffee76 karma

And when I fucking ask for a SMALL amount of ice, so I can drink it right away, and they fucking make the shit tepid!!

I need to sip my Brazilian and calm down.

-_galaxy_-597 karma

Because of your last AMA I bought a Panasonic bagged canister vac (because I can't afford a Miele) and it's great. Thanks for your service. What would you recommend for a robo-vac in an area with laminate floor and lots of dog hair?

touchmyfuckingcoffee412 karma

If you're going to get a robotic vac, I'd recommend Neato or Miele models.

radiomix136 karma

I had a Neato, but the battery wouldn't hold a charge for crap. It was great for the first few weeks, but then it couldn't even finish a room without needing a recharge. I always let it run in a closed off bedroom while I vacuumed in another room.

touchmyfuckingcoffee178 karma

Have you contacted them about a replacement battery?

eninety231 karma

I've always though roomba was best? What's the difference?

touchmyfuckingcoffee95 karma

Roomba has a weird pattern algorithm for cleaning, which is very inefficient. The Neato and Miele models use a logical mapping algorithm.

limpinfrompimpin487 karma

How much for a new identity ?

touchmyfuckingcoffee350 karma

Everything you have.

grampasguitars227 karma

Why hasn't word gotten out about the greatness of Riccar vacs? We bought a Supralite in 2008 and that baby is still as good as the day we bought it. It's a snap to service it too. I assume it's a marketing thing, but seriously. Best vacuum ever.

touchmyfuckingcoffee148 karma

I'm glad you're happy with it. Reviews like yours will help.

aannddyy00190 karma

I just bought my first Miele (C3 Kona).

First of all, the hype is real. I'm ashamed to have called myself a Dyson owner. 2nd, apart from standard filter/bag replacement, any tips for a first time Miele owner?

Anyone reading this with indoor allergies, it has made an instant impact on my wife's allergies. She was having to go in for weekly acupuncture to help with her migraines caused by allergies. After 2 days of furious vacuuming the whole house (normally would have killed her) she claims to feel as good as she did coming out of acupuncture. So, hesitate at the price tag all you want, this thing will end up making our lives cheaper.

touchmyfuckingcoffee235 karma

I'm so glad to hear you're having such great performance from your Miele. Welcome to the club. Here's some tips:

  • Let your bags get completely full (bag indicator) before replacing them to save money. Many bagless converts don't understand how much they can hold.

  • Always start with your height adjustment set to the highest setting and working it down just until it starts to vibrate the carpet and NO lower. This will give you the best agitation and airflow combination.

  • Unplug your cord by hand and walk it to the vac before retracting the cord, and let it go in in a controlled fashion. This will help it and your winder to last much longer.

  • Be conscientious about how you use your hose, and try to avoid crimping it or stepping on it. You don't want to damage your wires inside the hose.

Take it in every 3-5 years just for a thorough inspection, so as to get out any trapped hair in the powerbrush and to make sure all else is running smoothly.

Hope that helps!

Infinite_Derp165 karma

Why aren't quiet vacuums a thing?

I had heard that someone made one once, and no one bought it because they associated loudness with doing a good job at cleaning. The solution seems simple: add a suction power gauge that lets you know if stuff is blocking the vacuum's hose.

touchmyfuckingcoffee253 karma

Don't worry; Quiet vacuums do exist. Miele and Sebo are some of the quietest vacs on the market.

Blog_Pope51 karma

We got an ElectroLux at Lowes (before I read your AMA), Consumer Reports ranked it well and it got good marks for being quiet. What's your opinion?

I also just did a partial restore on my Hoover Windtunnel, the adjuster snapped and it was starting to stick. 17 years old and its as good as new except for the cord (replacing it was too hard, going to find a shop to replace it)

Based on you recommendatiosn we'll likely get a Meile Animal model soon because neither is really great on stairs, and now we have carpeted stairs...

touchmyfuckingcoffee52 karma

I'd have to know which model Lux you got. But, regardless of what CR says, I look at vacs from a technician's perspective first and foremost.

7DUKjTfPlICRWNL151 karma

Why are they pushing bagless so hard? They suck.

They're dirty, they don't work well, and you spend more time cleaning the canister and their multiple filters than vacuuming.

I can't be the only person that's noticed this right? I bought a $45 bagged Bissell to replace a $200 bagless Eureka. In addition to being a more powerful vacuum I just throw the dirty bags away and don't have to clean anything.

touchmyfuckingcoffee168 karma

You're preaching to the choir, bro. They're making these vacuums specifically to those who have drunk the bagless-koolaid.

Some people simply do not want to mess with a bag, and these vacs are for them. At least with these brands, you're getting far more powerful motors, better filtration, and rock-solid warranties with a built in dealer-repair network to make things easier.

Zip66836 karma

I have to think that bagless is a selling point for some people purely because they can save money by never having to buy bags. They probably also starve themselves all day before going to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

touchmyfuckingcoffee39 karma

Lol...and here I am, just spending $20 a year for a clean carpet and clean air.

_Malara31 karma

Question regarding this. I received a Dyson big ball animal + allergy for my birthday last year. I'm obsessed. Do you have any recommendations on cleaning/maintaining it other than cleaning out the internal components every now and again? Thanks for doing this AMA!

touchmyfuckingcoffee43 karma

You've pretty much got it. You can check out youtube, armed with your vac's model number to see if there any any maintenance videos available.

Toby_Kief141 karma

Does your job suck?

touchmyfuckingcoffee909 karma

Not as much as your mom.

thezlog41 karma

All of the information you've provided over the years, and yet it is this comment that makes me the most sad that your business is not local to me.

touchmyfuckingcoffee59 karma

Thank you. Well, if you ever make it to Texas, I'll buy you a beer...or espresso.

Kinetik_Inferno106 karma

You said you really don't like Rainbows because of the water filtration, but how do you feel about steam vacs for cleaning carpets? What's the difference?

touchmyfuckingcoffee294 karma

Let me hit you with some copypasta from an expert in the field:

from /u/lolzergrush:

I did carpet cleaning work to put myself through college and grad school, it was great money because people use cheap vacuums and their carpets get filthy. Buying a good vacuum is absolutely true and you have no idea how much money you save yourself in the long run.

We used to charge $0.35 per square foot, that worked out to about $1000 per average-sized house to do good carpet cleaning because all of our competitors did shit work.

The number one problem was that most people didn't vacuum properly, so they had to get their carpets cleaned every few years and they were always filthy.

  • Never ever buy a bagless vacuum. Just don't. Buy a good one with HEPA filtration (or S-class if you're in Europe). Buy one that is warrantied for commercial work. That means it is made of quality parts. Even brands on the cheaper side like Sanitaire and Eureka will work fine if they are the true commercial line. Just don't buy ones that say "professional" but are actually marketed towards residential: they will break down in a year if you use it more than once per week.

(I do not, personally, recommend using a commercial vacuum in your home, but rather, a premium residential vacuum.)

  • Properly adjust the brush roller so that the bristles sweep the carpet, not dig into it. The tips of the bristles should just barely touch the bottom of the pile and it should offer no resistance.
  • Change the bag regularly. Just buy them in bulk for a year, you should get them for about a dollar per bag.

(This depends greatly upon vacuum type chosen, and bag capacities of various vacuums. This can vary greatly, but remain cost effective)

  • Never wear shoes in your house, and if you have pets vacuum at least twice as often. Also vacuum after every event.
  • If liquid is spilled on carpets clean it up immediately. Keep putting dry towels down and stand on them, then put a fan on the damp spot.
  • If you must clean them, hire a professional (not Stanley Steamer) to clean them using extraction. Shampooing is a last resort for very heavy soil, and should always be followed by extraction. Never hire coupon cleaners, or anyone that doesn't have a license & insurance.
  • If you insist on cleaning your own carpets, never use a Rug Doctor or any carpet cleaning machine that is rented out by chain retail stores, you might as well use a shop vac and a water hose. Go to a janitorial supplier and rent a professional extractor, RTFM, and vacuum your carpets completely before you extract. You can rent an air mover or just buy some cheap box fans but either way you need to dry your carpets completely after extraction.
  • Listen to everything /u/touchmyfuckingcoffee [+10] says about selecting and caring for your vacuum. He knows his stuff.

Do all that and your carpets will never need cleaning, you'll save yourself a crapload of money and your house will be healthier too.

firemarshalbill99 karma

I have a rowhome with two sets of stairs of carpeted stairs and a mix of regular carpeting and hardwood. I have a dog.

Without going over 3-4 hundred (but tell me if it's dumb to skip on a 440 one etc), can you give me advice on what to buy so I don't need to think? After each one of your threads I get into review hell on amazon, see my price creep up and end up getting nothing.

touchmyfuckingcoffee91 karma

Man, your place was built by a vacuum masochist. Are you a strong person? Can you get that budget up to $600-700?

firemarshalbill51 karma

Philadelphia is all about being masochistic.

I could get the budget up if it meant something lasting easy over 10 years. Honestly lugging something heavy around doesn't bother me as long as it has hose length so I don't stop every step. Doing the steps with a eureka roller as it is.

Thanks for the help

andreromao8234 karma

Some Miele models have a 10 year warranty. Definitely worth upping the budget. I bought a compact C2 last year, after going through another one of these AMAs. It was the perfect upgrade from a shitty Dyson and I wish I had done it sooner.

just_an_ordinary_guy18 karma

I think that's what makes people balk at the high price tags. People are used to vacuums being disposable and only lasting a few years. Like /u/touchmyfuckingcoffee said, treat it as an appliance. Spend big, lasts for a lot of years. Miele wouldn't have such a long warranty if they lost money on the deal. Their vacuums last at least the length of the warranty.

touchmyfuckingcoffee10 karma

It's not like Electrolux didn't cut their teeth on vacuums that would cost ~$2000 or more in today's dollars.

Jungletouch79 karma

Would brand would you recommend for house cat pestering applications?

touchmyfuckingcoffee268 karma

Eureka and DIrt Devil vacuums are particularly noisy, and if you get one of the cheap ones with no exhaust filtration, then you can blow dirty air at them too.

Nanook4ever24 karma

But it won't actually vacuum up the cat? Boo!

touchmyfuckingcoffee87 karma

Shop Vac.

spinch75 karma

Oh exalted lord of all that is vacuum-related, is there any news about your collaboration with Riccar? (Side note: Still trying to convince my wife to let me get a canister. Best I'll be able to do is a Panasonic, but it's sure as shit going to be better than the Dyson/Bissell/Hoover trio of terribleness that we've had before my Future Vac).

Thanks, as always. You're my favorite AMA-answerer.

touchmyfuckingcoffee160 karma

I'm fairly certain that somebody at Riccar made promises they shouldn't have and the project was cancelled.

I say fairly certain because no one at Riccar, particularly the woman who made me the offer, could be bothered to return my calls or emails.

I'm sure they enjoyed the free publicity, though.

MyOtherSidesAccount68 karma

What are your opinions on Kirby vacuums? I used to sell them so I'm a little biased, do you think they're worth the money for the power before l behind them and warrantee ?

touchmyfuckingcoffee200 karma

Since this is the first Kirby question of the day, I'll go ahead and make it thorough.

I make more money repairing Kirbys and selling their consumables. Last week alone, on a slow week, I raked in over $600 in Kirby repairs...on 4 vacuums. I also get at least a dozen calls a week from people who regret buying them and want to sell them.

Kirby vacuums cannot compete against modern vacuums in terms of a) maintenance costs, b) consumables costs, c) deep cleaning (through the carpet padding), and d) filtration.

  • Kirby's impeller motor design is a low-suction, high-airflow system. This prevents it from cleaning the carpet padding, and down to the subfloor, leaving your home dirtier. This applies to the air you breathe as well as the cleanliness of your carpet. They clean the surface quickly and efficiently, but that's all.

  • The price of bags for the new Kirby's are ~ $8.6/bag. Miele's premium imported bags are ~ $5.4/bag. Kirbys also lack a separate exhaust filter to keep the air clean.

  • Kirby's factory warranty is only 3 years, with a refurbishment program that is not free, and costs more every year your vacuum ages. Miele has 7 year basic and 10 year premium warranties. Riccar's warranties vary based on model but are comprehensive and cover for 4-8 years.

So, all that for a vacuum that weighs as much as a boat anchor, can't get under any furniture, and is a pain in the ass to use.

MyOtherSidesAccount39 karma

What do you think about a rainbows?

touchmyfuckingcoffee98 karma

I'm not a fan. Water isn't a great filtration medium and you lose a great deal of suction trying to pull the debris through the water.

There are more reliable, better filtered, and lower maintenance options out there.

cody_gilbear35 karma

=[ I love my Kirby... All $1800 of it.

touchmyfuckingcoffee101 karma

I'm glad you're happy with it and sorry you didn't get it for MSRP or less.

Mustard_relish64 karma

What are some vacuum brands that you recommend?

touchmyfuckingcoffee142 karma

The three best brands in the US market are (not in order) Miele, Riccar, and Sebo.

kale4reals62 karma

With Valentines day coming up, whats the best vacuum for the lady in my life??

touchmyfuckingcoffee240 karma

Do you want to die a violent death?

k10260624 karma

I think you underestimate the love some women have for vacuums

touchmyfuckingcoffee51 karma

Without a request for one, that's a bold fucking move.

eggplantkiller15 karma

I will happily accept a vacuum as a gift! Wanna be my valentine?

touchmyfuckingcoffee14 karma

You'd have to consult my fiancee. I don't know how she would feel about it.

EndySus62 karma

Is it safe to put a vacuum on my penis? Asking for a friend

touchmyfuckingcoffee159 karma

Don't stick your penis into a vacuum cleaner.

Nevermore41651 karma

What's your least favorite vacuum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee136 karma

Most of the products by Dyson. Shark vacuums aren't much better.

That being said, either would be better than a <$100 piece of shit Bissell, Eureka, or Dirt Devil.

passnote42 karma

Hi may I ask why you are not a fan of dyson or Shark? I'd imagine because they specialize in bagless vacuum cleaners as opposed to the bag vacuums?

touchmyfuckingcoffee115 karma

It's not about bagless, per se. It's about the brands, themselves.

Dyson used to make pretty decent vacuums. Now, all the shit they put out has horrible airflow, shitty nozzle base plates, and they churn out vacuums with known problems, cashing in on the fact that a HUGE number of owners won't ever file warranty claims, and then churn the same shit out after they've "fixed" a problem or two.

Shark doesn't put their parts out on the market for guys like me to be able to repair them for our customers. Instead, they want you to ship your vac back to them (both ways) for repairs. They've also had many complaints about their warranty service. Combine that with shitty designs and shitty materials, and you get a less than ideal vacuum.

MsAnthropic24 karma

Should I expect a vacuum to be able to pick up lint from a medium pile carpet surface if the brush isn't spinning (mine doesn't)? Wondering whether my Dyson DC07 is from the decent years.

We've had a Dyson DC07 for over 10 years (heck, it may be close to 15 years), and my only complaint is that the bristles are too stiff and thus fuzz the carpet. I never cared before, but we recently went from crappy old carpet to new medium pile. The model doesn't have any height settings, so I can't adjust the bristles to barely touch the carpet surface. Vacuum is in great shape and works fine otherwise, so I haven't been able to bring myself to spring for a Riccar yet.

touchmyfuckingcoffee32 karma

I think the problem with your Dyson is that you need a new belt set installed. If the brush isn't aggressively turning, you're not getting cleaning. If it's been more than a couple of years, you also need a whole filter set installed. Probably around $100 for everything.

But, it still won't clean like a Riccar.

forsayken1 karma

Surely you're not among the few that think Shark is crap. I had a cheap one when I lived in an apartment and is was completely trash. It didn't even last a year.

touchmyfuckingcoffee2 karma

I'm not sure I understand what you're asking. I made it pretty clear that I am not a fan of Shark vacuums.

Nevermore41612 karma

I have a Sebo airbelt K3. Thoughts?

touchmyfuckingcoffee24 karma

Great vacuum, but ugly as sin. Are you happy with it?

WII-LE50 karma

About 2 years ago, a friend of mine bought a canister Miele. While it is the quietest vacuum i have ever used, i'm not sure it's more powerful than my hoover bagless. My question is if i empty out the canister every time before using my hoover versus a bagged vacuum cleaner with the bag say half full, is the performance of the bagged still better than the bagless model? Have you also played around with the new Miele Blizzard CX1 bagless?

touchmyfuckingcoffee87 karma

You need to understand that Miele bags, in particular, allow for maximum suction and airflow until they're completely full. So, even if your Hoover bagless had freshly washed filters and a clean HEPA filter, it still can't out compete the Miele.

That being said, the better Hoover bagless models out there perform far better than many bagless vacuums.

thealphateam46 karma

My wife insists on the shitty $49.99 bagless vacuums from some company you never heard of. Whats a good way to sway her to buy a better one?

Also. She has long hair. Its pain to clean the spinning brush. Whats the best way to remove hair from it?

touchmyfuckingcoffee80 karma

Cheap is very costly! Imagine how much you would be able to spend on a good vacuum with all the money you've wasted on shitty vacs. Ask her why she hates clean carpets and air. Seriously, most people just don't realize that there is a qualitative and quantitative difference in the quality of product and cleaning when spending money on appliances.

Ask her if she'd spend $50 on a refrigerator and expect it to get the job done. Your vacuum is a more important appliance because it's the only one you have that cleans your living space and air. Eww...

Check my post history; I have a video which will help you with that hair.

Maparyetal41 karma

I've got a Miele S7000 with a torn up hose that's currently held together with duct tape. How do I get a replacement or repair?

touchmyfuckingcoffee76 karma

Take it on down to your local Miele dealer.

Maparyetal62 karma

That's painfully obvious. Thanks!

touchmyfuckingcoffee38 karma

Glad I could help.

X01938 karma

People in this thread are posting vacuums that are north of $1,000. I didn't even know those got that expensive except for the Kirby an old coworker's wife ended up buy for about $2K after the interest of the crazy monthly payments.

What sort of vacuum can/should a peasant like me buy for my house?

touchmyfuckingcoffee44 karma

How much would you spend on a refrigerator, air conditioner or water heater?

Because a real vacuum is an appliance and should be budgeted as such.

X01918 karma

How much would you spend on a refrigerator, air conditioner or water heater?

A few hundred probably. Would take some research I guess depending on needs.

My background is in computers. I know that buying the cheapest product generally isn't a good idea, and there are things that are way overpriced. And if you're sort of a lax user, there are some quality middle-of-the-road products you can get that will serve you well. What are those sort of things in the vacuum world?

touchmyfuckingcoffee34 karma

You want good, but middle of the road in price and performance? Panasonics and Kenmores fit that bill.

KillerSquid37 karma

If I'm cleaning a theater (short carpet flooring tiles everywhere, vacuuming after every show, 3 shows a day, every day) what is the best vacuum I can use? There's popcorn, there's candy, etc.

touchmyfuckingcoffee87 karma

Man, that is a shit job for a vacuum. Check out the ProTeam XP1500. It's an old Electrolux design that's been licensed out to different companies, and this is my favorite clone. It can take all kinds of abuse without problems, and the bags are available in bulk for dirt cheap. Plus, with HEPA filtration, it won't leave a lot of dust in the theatre after.

celaeneo36 karma

What do you think of Numatic, if you've ever encountered one? Particularly Henry? I don't think they're very popular in the US. My mum had one for 20 years, tried out several others and then got another Henry. Also, he's cute.

touchmyfuckingcoffee35 karma

I hear they're great vacuums for the price. They've just recently begun importing them, and the costs are very high. So, I haven't had a chance to personally play with one yet.

But, basic is good and reliable, and I hear that's what they are.

neuromorph32 karma

has your opinion of dyson changed since the last AMA?

touchmyfuckingcoffee79 karma

Fair question. With the absolute disaster which is the new filterless models, I can only say my opinion has changed, but not for the better.

thatsyurblood27 karma

What's your take on "Roombas"?

touchmyfuckingcoffee81 karma

As far as robotic vacs go, I prefer Neato and Miele models for their logical cleaning algorithms. My concern with robots is them dragging around animal waste or vomit. Just Youtube that shit.

othybear15 karma

This is why I always do a check of the floor before I turn the roomba on.

touchmyfuckingcoffee30 karma

If you're home when it's happens, that's great. I think that's usually the problem.

bentplate3 karma

How does one Youtube animal waste and vomit?

yousuremustbestrong24 karma

I am about to spend lots of money on my dream Miele canister vacuum. Is it worth it? Which would you recommend? Trying to stay under $700.

touchmyfuckingcoffee50 karma

You know I think it's worth it. My Miele is 25 yrs old and works better than 90% of new vacuums, with virtually no maintenance.

Nicky_Butane20 karma

What is your opinion of Simplicity uprights? I bought mine about a year ago and love it. What are some things as an owner I need to be aware of when caring for my unit? I live alone with no pets so I don't think I'm very hard on the unit. Thanks for doing this AMA.

touchmyfuckingcoffee22 karma

Simplicity vacuums are very good indeed. They're built by the same company that makes Riccar, and are often used to vet parts for upcoming Riccar models. Keep your brush roller clear of built up hair, fibers, etc., and have it into the shop once every year or two, just as a preventative maintenance measure.

MarkChamorro20 karma

I have a dog that likes to change his Coat more than my girlfriend changes outfits. What shall I get? Mostly carpet apartment with linoleum kitchen. I realize this is a stupid and easy question. But I have never thought about this until I cam across this AMA

touchmyfuckingcoffee22 karma

Really, all you need is a premium vacuum. This is your invitation to visit your local vacuum shop and really get to know what your options out there are.

Just avoid all box stores.

vilipendopinion19 karma

Looking for a bagged vacuum for a small, 1br apt. Sub $200. Any recommendations or save up for a better one?

touchmyfuckingcoffee20 karma

You're not going to get much worth having for just $200. You'll get much better options at ~$400. I'd go with a good compact canister vacuum. Panasonic has some good ones for lower prices.

vilipendopinion16 karma

Okay. So, save up it is. Thanks for the response!

touchmyfuckingcoffee28 karma

When you're ready to buy, drop me a line. I'll come up with some options for you.

Califorskin18 karma

Thoughts on central vacuum systems? Side question: Are they bagless or does that just depend on the type you get?

touchmyfuckingcoffee26 karma

CV systems are good options for cleaning your home. So many people love them because they get the dirt OUT of your home....Well, to the big bag in the main unit, usually in your garage.

I wouldn't recommend converting an existing home to a CV system because the cost is prohibitive.

forava717 karma

the most memorable repair you had done?

touchmyfuckingcoffee30 karma

That's tough to say. I've had lots of fun and challenging jobs. But, the ones that stick out were the nastiest.

baconflavoredkiss17 karma

Go on

touchmyfuckingcoffee27 karma

Oh, you know how stupid and thoughtless people can be. You can just imagine the shit they'd put in a vacuum...literally.

carolinagirrrl17 karma

Happy to see you back! Bought a Miele based on your comments in the last AMA and am thoroughly satisfied with its performance. The Dyson has been relegated to the playroom, since it does suck up Legos easily. <EvilMomLaugh>

My question: how frequently should I have my Miele upright serviced professionally?

touchmyfuckingcoffee19 karma

Thanks! I'm glad to hear you're happy.

Assuming you don't have any repair issues that require a visit to the shop, get it in every 3 years for a thorough inspection to make sure everything is working properly and buttoned up.

Iteachasd15 karma

I can never seem to keep the air filter vents clean. The dust stuck in the metal part never wants to come out. I am good about replacing the filters but the actual medal part is never clean enough for me. Same thing with any vents in the house really. Is there a special brush or something else to help me?

touchmyfuckingcoffee23 karma

What you need is a good strong-bristled brush with 1-2 inch bristles. Straw brushes can work well, but can damage cheap paint. Stay away from metal brushes. Have a partner handy with the vacuum nozzle right at the vents as their being cleaned to get rid of the debris.

ErantyInt15 karma


touchmyfuckingcoffee19 karma

You're better of with a canister vacuum than an upright for your kind of home.

That being said, Riccar's uprights have the longest hoses you've ever seen, and many accessories to handle the pet hair.

HandGod12 karma

Thanks for another AMA. I've got a Miele and the power cord now doesn't stay out, it now always wants to retract into the vacuum. Is there an easy way to fix this myself, or should I take it in?

touchmyfuckingcoffee24 karma

You should take it in. It's likely an easy fix for a Miele tech. There's a small brake in the system that might need adjustment.

Jim10511 karma

In your opinion:

What is the best bagged vacuum?

What is the best bagless vacuum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee18 karma

Best isn't quantifiable. Everybody has different criteria for what is best, based on their needs.

What's important is to budget for a premium vacuum, do your research, and buy the best vacuum you can afford....at once you have it, to properly maintain your investment.

Cordae11 karma

I'm looking to replace my shitty bagless bissell and I'm worried I need two machines - I HATE sweeping and I'd love to have something that I can use on the tile in my kitchen and eating areas and the laminate in the bedrooms as well as the carpet in the living room and hallways. There is dog hair involved as well.

Does such a machine exist or do I need some sort of a stick vac for the tile and laminate and then something bulkier for the carpet? What should I be looking for?

touchmyfuckingcoffee20 karma

Friend, you need a canister vacuum. Check out models from Miele, Riccar, Sebo, and Panasonic. You'll need an electric powerbrush for the carpeting, and you'll get bare floor brush for the rest.

Dremadad8710 karma

What is a good affordable workhorse of a vacuum for cleaning my basement, car, random stuff I don't want to use my main cleaner for?

touchmyfuckingcoffee35 karma

How about a shop vac? You can get just about any accessories you need to tackle the odd jobs.

MeltdownInteractive10 karma

My vacuum at home has a problem where if you turn up the sucking power too much, it sounds like the bag 'catches' on something and the sucking power is greatly reduced. So I can only use it on the lower power settings. Any idea what this could be?

Sorry it's hard to explain.

touchmyfuckingcoffee19 karma

It sounds to me like you've got an obstruction in your duct system somewhere. You can check youtube for videos to help, or get it to a local vacuum repair shop.

plutoniumwhisky9 karma

I need a good vacuum that can handle long hair. Does such an appliance exist?

touchmyfuckingcoffee21 karma

Of course vacuums like that exist. The trick is to pony up the extra cash for a premium vacuum, which will be much more efficient at picking up the hair.

Also, once you have a vacuum, be sure to regularly maintain it by cleaning out any hair built up around the brush roller, or other places in the vacuum. ALL vacuums require this kind of maintenance.

lostnot9 karma

Why the hell did vacuum makers do away with bags? Was easy, clean & neat to change them. Now - it takes 15 minutes of fucking around, getting dust all over & getting pissed to deal with the "Improvement" - why not bags?!

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

Blame James Dyson.

FreePork7 karma

What's your view on Siemens vacuums? My parents have a Siemens z6.0 and it leaves the floors absolutely spotless. I currently have an old Dyson and it gets clogged more than it gets used..

touchmyfuckingcoffee18 karma

Siemens vacs are great, but very rare in the US, so I haven't gotten any experience with them.

darkjuly6 karma

If you find any expensive item inside a vacuum, do you return it to the owner or keep it? What is the most expensive thing stuck inside a Vacuum?

touchmyfuckingcoffee11 karma

I've never found anything particularly expensive inside of vac that came in for repair. Usually, it's bits of necklace/bracelets, charms, coins, etc. I did once find a cheap diamond pendant in the vacuum, but it was abandoned and I never heard back from the owner.

Redplushie5 karma

Speaking of spring cleaning, how do you start your list? I'm thinking of starting it soon and getting ready for the dust and pollen to kill me.

touchmyfuckingcoffee5 karma

Check out r/coolguides. I seem to remember a very comprehensive seasonal cleaning guide on there once.

I'm in an apartment, so my list is much shorter than many folks'.

DragoonDM5 karma

How much would you say I should pay for a decent vacuum if I'm only going to be using it on hardwood floors and thin rugs? Currently sing a cheapass $20 Dirt Devil, and it nearly meets my needs but just isn't quite powerful enough. Most of the vacuums I'm seeing in stores are an order of magnitude more expensive.

touchmyfuckingcoffee7 karma

These days, I wouldn't consider any vacuum under $200. The more you budget, the more vacuum you will get.

Smarter_not_harder4 karma

I have an old Kenmore (probably 10+ years old) and don't have many complaints from it. It stinks like hell when I use it, but other than that it's great. However, my wife got a new natural fiber knot rug for Christmas and my first time vacuuming it resulted in one of the knots getting pulled up/out of the fabric. The vacuum was on the highest setting as well (4 settings with 'Bare Floor' as 1, then settings '2, '3', and '4').

Do you have any recommendations on how I can better clean a large natural fiber rug?

touchmyfuckingcoffee8 karma

Yeah, you should never get a spinning brush roller near that rug. My advice would be a stiff bristle dust brush to attach to the wand and try to suck it clean that way. Or, just go old school and beat the thing out like we did, back in the day.

Knowone_Knows3 karma

I've got this older Dyson (Red target model), and it doesn't seem to work very well any more. The main head part with the brush seems to have very little suction, and barely picks up anything from the carpet. The extending wand works perfectly, however, no sign of lost suction at all.

I've cleaned every possible part I can reach including the brush and nothing seems to help. I thought the motor was getting weaker, but the wand has plenty of suction. Any thoughts?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

It sounds like you might need a/some new belts installed.

ShotgunMavericks013 karma

How do you feel knowing your job may be automated or taken over by robots like roombas down the road?

touchmyfuckingcoffee21 karma

One thing robots will not be able to do well, for a long time, is to diagnose malfunctioning complex machines, like vacuums, and then be able to properly repair them.

I don't plan on staying in this business forever, but I think job security won't be an issue due to robots.

inadequate_hero3 karma

Hi! I heard your interview on Upvoted a while back and found it super informative. I was wondering, my grandma left me a classic Kirby with attachments and such from the 70's. Is this worth keeping and getting to Ohio from Texas, or are newer, cheaper models just as good? My mom swears by hers, but I'm not about finding and buying bags for it. :/ Thanks tons!

touchmyfuckingcoffee8 karma

Seriously, toss the Kirby and budget for a high-end vac for your new home.

inadequate_hero3 karma

Great to know. Thank you!

touchmyfuckingcoffee6 karma

When you're ready to buy, drop me a line. I'll help you pick something.

grewapair3 karma

I just moved into a new place with wall to wall carpet, so I looked into robo vacuums. I last looked at them about ten years ago and they didn't really work.

I checked into them again last week and found the Samsung that everyone agrees has the most powerful suction. Someone was nice enough to pour flour on their carpet and use different vacuums to suck it up. He posted a photo here - click on the customer images. The photo shows the various machines he used and the carpet in front of the machines after they were used.

As you can see, The robo vacs don't work at all. I looked into the Neato D5, which is supposed to be the next best thing, but it has serious connectivity issues. Given the fact that it is one notch lower than the Samsung, which didn't work, I just couldn't see spending $600.

Your thoughts on robo vacs after looking at that photo?

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

Since none of them have the suction of a conventional vacuum, my advice has always been that if you're going to own one, be prepared to have a conventional vacuum to do your regular deep cleaning, as the robots won't cut it.

IT_Chef2 karma

I have a 10 year old Oreck XL.

It works fine...I guess.

I now have 2 nice and large (room sized) area rugs. What kind of vacuum should I consider next? - The Oreck is not cutting it for the area rugs.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

We have, in town, a groovy old Persian guy who runs a fine rug business with repairs and restoration on the side. He happens to buy his vacuums from the company I work for, and the only thing he will use is a Miele with the SEB217 powerbrush.

varikonniemi2 karma

Is the Miele bagless a good vacuum? From the videos it looks really good.

touchmyfuckingcoffee3 karma

They won't hit the market it the US until next year, so I haven't had a chance to play with one. I'm trying to get my rep to bring me one after the Vegas convention.

It looks like they really did their homework on this vac. I hope it's a viable bagless option.

wonderwallpersona-2 karma

Have you, or a co-worker, ever used a vacuum for not its intended purpose? ;)

touchmyfuckingcoffee1 karma

for not its intended purpose? ;) I think you mean 'for an unintended purpose'.

No. Don't stick your dick in a vacuum cleaner.