IamA single guy who travels the USA interviewing couples who are madly in love with each other to figure out what makes the happiest, longest-lasting relationships different from all the rest AMA!

What have you noticed as the #1 most important quality in a happy relationship?

I think it's a mix of 2 things. (So yeah, I'm cheating a little bit by not giving you just one.)

The first is integrity.

You must be the kind of person who does what they say they will do. The ability to make and keep promises to yourself and others is fundamental to a thriving, passionate relationship.

Integrity is the foundation of trust. Trust is the foundation of commitment. And without those those things, relationships crumble.

The second thing is self love.

Love is a lot like knowledge. You can share as much of it as you want with as many people as you want and never lose it. But at the same time, you can only share what you've acquired. You can't share the knowledge of how to fly a plane, or how to bake a cake, or how to speak Russian if you haven't acquired it yourself first.

Likewise, you can't truly love, accept, forgive, support, or care for someone else if you haven't learned to do it for yourself first.

Self Love

Hearing that makes me very upset. I have no love for myself. The one thing I've wanted since middle school is a loving wife, and two to three kids. I can't have my dream b/c I can't love myself.

Why can't you love yourself? (Serious question.)

I've determined it's either one of two things.

1. A crippling lack of self confidence that leads to a multitude of problems.

2. A chemical imbalance due to naturally low amounts of dopamine in my body.

1) Have you seen a medical professional about the chemical imbalance?

2) Getting out of the self-confidence rut is possible. But it requires commitment. It requires some support. And it requires a plan. PM me if you want some help or feedback.

I really don't get the self love thing - its repeated all the time but I don't understand how my love for myself and my love for someone else are at all connected.

How exactly is love like knowledge? I don't see how your example makes any sense. Obviously I can't share knowledge that I don't have, but they're just not the same thing.

Do people just mean that not "loving" yourself will lead to problems in a relationship? Low self esteem, jealousy, etc. That makes sense to me, but seems like a separate issue to the actual love of another person part.

Ok, let me try to explain.

To me, self love is more than this hippy-dippy, fluffy, life-coachy concept. It's a real practice. It involves learning to meet your own needs, and take care of yourself.

If you don't know how to care for yourself physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, financially, socially, or in any other aspect of your life, you become dependent on other people to meet those needs for you.

If you can't meet those needs for yourself, how can you ever expect to meet them for others?

Lack of self love is the reason we have countless people who suffer from the "not enough" mentality. These are the people who walk around thinking they are not smart enough, rich enough, attractive enough, skinny enough, funny enough, etc.

Not only are they convinced that they are not enough... but they believe that if they could just find "The One" that all of their problems will go away, and suddenly they will be worthy of love. Life will be amazing.

This idea is so false, it makes me sick.

Lasting love doesn't exist when one person is completely dependent on the other for their own value and self-worth.

One of the most frustrating things a person can experience in this life is trying to love someone who cannot love themselves. Not only do they reject love from themselves, but they reject love from their partner which erodes at the relationship faster than nearly anything else ever could.

The reason self love is important is because you can't be in a loving relationship that will last unless you love yourself first. It's the very foundation of partnership... a trust that you can each take care of yourselves so that if the other ever needs you, you can be there for them and not wallowing in despair because you've never learned to love for yourself.

During a couples interview, have you ever realized that one was a possibly abusive narcissist and the other was codependent?

Yes.

A few quick ones come to mind: 1) In your time doing research, have you seen any correlation between strict monogamy and what you consider a happy relationship?

2) Have you spoken with and was there anything notably different in what made couples of different gender combinations happy? M/F, M/M, F/F, etc

3) What was the most unbelievable or bizarre story of the utmost love you've heard?

4) Is there one couple you can say are the most in love of anyone you've ever met? What makes them so?

1) No, I haven't seen a correlation. I interviewed a polygamous family, and they were one of the happiest, most loving relationships I've had the privilege of talking to.

I do however think that the more people involved in the relationship, the more difficult it can be to manage egos, balance schedules, forgive, and just plain make the relationship work. It's not impossible, but people are complicated, and the more people you have in a relationship the more complicated it becomes. (Similar to Metcalfe's Law.)

2) The same basic principles apply to creating an amazing relationship regardless of who you are, and who you're with.

3) I guess that depends on your definition of bizarre. One of my favorites is the guy whose wife had a brain tumor removed. During recovery they realized that the surgery altered her personality... so for the last 30+ years he's been married to a completely different woman than the one he married.

I also love (Jim and Cindy Wigdahl's)[http://loveumentary.com/episode-48-jim-and-cindy-wigdahl/] story. He was a bachelor of 50+ years. Their story is incredible. I don't think I've ever been more touched listening to how a man found his wife, and how marriage has changed him.

This story (2 parts) will give you the shivers.

I've been with my boyfriend for approximately 1 year. What would be your best advice on how to end up like those couples you interview?

And how much of a relationship is just that you are a good match versus how much of a relationship is what efforts you put into it? What I mean is, would anybody be compatible if they just put enoough effort into it, or is it a mix of finding the right person and working on the relationship? (Implied in this question, of course, is that I personally do not think it is possible to simply find a perfect match and then you needn't work to make things work - but I might be wrong?)

You're right. There's no such thing as a perfect match. I'd say 90% of an amazing relationship is effort, willingness to sacrifice, honesty, and all the other stuff that doesn't fall into the "compatibility" category.

As far as advice to end up like the couples I've interviewed, I'd say never be satisfied.

Love is beautiful in that no matter how great your relationship is, it can always be better. You can always be a little more compassionate, a little more vulnerable, a little more kind, or a little more passionate.

Couples grow stagnant when they stop reaching for more. When the passion for progress dies, so does the chemistry, the passion, the friendship, and the connection.

Find new things to pursue. Find new ways to surprise and delight each other. Make sacrifices for each other. Be kind. Be persistent.

Do that, and you'll experience a love most people only dream of.

Do you think that your experience from interviewing couples have made you a better partner? (how/how not and why/why not)

Also, do you think it will be easier or mor difficult for you to find a partner now with these experiences? (why/why not)

I definitely think it's prepared me to be a better partner. I've grown and learned a lot from these amazing people.

I think I've become more self-aware.

I've learned to care for myself, and in turn how to care for others.

I've learned how to be responsible for my part in anything that happens. (I'm not perfect at that, but I'm striving to be better.)

I've learned to forgive myself... and am still learning this, which in turn makes it easier for me to have empathy for, and forgive others.

In some ways it's made it easier for me to find a partner, because I'm clear on what I want.

But also it's harder in that what I want is not common.

What are your thoughts on polyamory?

Polyamory is interesting. Historically it's the most prevalent relationship structure. I honestly admire anyone (or any group of people) who can make a relationship work.

Culturally, I think polyamory is difficult because we have trained ourselves to be jealous, and territorial, and protective of what's ours. Polyamory goes against the grain in that regard and can really exploit the ego, and expose personal weaknesses in a way a monogamous relationship probably doesn't... at least not to the same extreme.

Does that answer your question?

What breaks a relationship? what's the best way to overcome issues in a relationship?

What breaks a relationship? Selfishness, busyness, a lack of integrity, and an absence of progress or growth.

The best way to overcome issues in a relationship? Start by re-establishing integrity. Start small. Make a promise. Keep the promise. Make another promise. Keep that promise. Make a bigger promise. Keep that promise.

For example: * I promise to be kiss you goodnight every night. * I promise to be excited next time I see you. * I promise to come home from work in time for dinner. * I promise to take you on a date this weekend. * I promise to listen to you talk about your issues without trying to fix anything. * I promise not to spend beyond our means this month.

A great relationship is built on promises kept. A failed relationship leaves a trail of broken promises in its wake.

In today's age it's getting more and more difficult to take time out. With the corporate jobs, technology and social media it has become a major issue to take time out. It's a major issue between me and my fiance too. So, how would you address this issue?

The reason it's hard to take time is because people don't prioritize correctly. Here are some ideas that really help me:

• When you're with your fiancé, turn off your phone.

• Schedule and plan a regular date night... and actually ask him/her out and plan something to do together that's not dinner and a movie.

• Learn to ask good questions. "How was your day?" will always get the same answer. "What was your biggest victory today?" or "What is something that really made you laugh this week?" or "Tell me something that you're scared to share with me." will always spark more interesting conversation which will create a more intimate connection.

• Pursue a hobby or interest together. Take a class or a course. It will give you something to talk about, and you will feel pressure to show up which requires you to make time for each other.

If you let work, and technology, and other obligations get in the way of your relationship, then your relationship will never be what it has the potential to become.

I ask myself the question, "When I die, what will I regret more?" and that typically helps me keep things in perspective.

How can introverts & extroverts maintain a great relationship? I've never dated anyone as extroverted as myself, and despite explaining and attempting to communicate to my wife (from the very start, because of lessons I've learned), she sees my need for social contact as a problem.

Here's the thing with relationships. Most problems don't get solved, they get managed. Here's an awesome article on that exact topic that a friend of mine wrote for the blog. You should check it out.

With regards to the introvert/extrovert thing, you're definitely not the first couple to struggle with that.

I think a great place to start is to create agreements.

When in a social situation, what can you do to make her more comfortable? Maybe you need to hold back a little bit to avoid embarrassing her by drawing attention to her. Maybe she needs you to stand by her at a social gathering so she doesn't feel like she needs to do all the talking. Maybe she can agree to accompany you to social gatherings and in return, you give her the power to call it a night when she feels spent.

Maybe it's something else entirely. Maybe it's a combination of that stuff.

But basically it requires you both to be understanding, forgiving, and compromise... and to love each other for exactly who you are.

One of my favorite examples of this comes from Don Miguel Ruiz's book The Mastery of Love.

To paraphrase, he says, "You wouldn't get a dog and then get mad at it for not being a cat. You wouldn't look at it and say, 'Why don't you meow and purr?' You love a dog for being a dog. If you want a cat, you will get a cat."

Your wife is your wife. Love her for who she is. Don't expect her to be you. If you wanted to marry you, you wouldn't have married her. If you want her to change, that's something you are dealing with, not her.

Great answer except she's trying to change me, not the other way around.

Ever hear the old saying: "women marry men thinking they can change them, and men marry women thinking they will never change?"

Yes, I've heard that. Maybe you should read the book together.

Or better, if there's a way for you to encourage her to read the book "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle while you read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, I would highly recommend it.

x

Ugh, I LOVED Hank and Sue-Ann's podcast. I love what they said about playing in the big leagues, and about community.

For those of you who haven't heard this episode, you can check it out here.

The basic concept is that if you want to have a "World Series" kind of love, you have to practice for it. Most people say they want "World Series" love but practice for the little leagues.

In other words, if you want to experience amazing, once-in-a-lifetime love, you have to develop forgiveness, patience, kindness, self-discipline, etc. It doesn't happen like magic just because you find "the one."

I also loved how they talked about how to know if you've found the right partner. Their answer to that question is to look at how the community around you responds to your relationship. If people love being with you, if you enter a room and it lights up, if you're getting requests to dinner parties, or if people can't stop gushing about you as a couple, you're in good shape. Good couples bring people together in a really positive way.

On the other hand, if you feel your friends avoiding you, or you feel awkward in a group full of people you'd typically feel comfortable with, you should check yourself.

To answer your question, my favorite lesson probably comes from (Josh and Jenny Solar)[http://loveumentary.com/episode-40-say-yes-to-adventure-with-josh-and-jenny-solar/].

I love the way that they turn everyday moments into memories. They have MASTERED the art of living intentionally better than anyone else I know. They find reasons to celebrate life every day. The day we showed up to their house to interview them, they were making Star Wars pancakes with birthday cake candles. They were celebrating the arrival of the weekend.

These are the same people who turn dish-washing into a romantic moment by dancing in the kitchen together when dishes are washed. They pull over their car on road trips just to make out in the rain.

Those are the moments everyone wants to experience... and they're so easy to create if we just put in the ounce of extra effort to make it happen.

Have you come across anybody with an arranged marraige?

Yes. Yes I have. And it was fascinating.

Here's a link.

What's Melissa doing now? Is she invited to the wedding with bells on? ;)

Melissa is living in San Francisco. She's got a great gig over at EventBrite, and as far as I know, she's dating a great guy. She is working on a book right now.

We don't have a whole lot of contact anymore, but from what I hear, it seems like she's doing well.

How has age gap affected which relationships are succesful and happy?

I honestly haven't studied this, so I'm not 100% sure.

Have you interviewed couples who have succesfully repaired their relationships after serious infidelity? If so, what were some key factors necessary for resolving their problems?

Yes. Yes I have. You can check out their story here. It's heartbreaking and amazing.

The first thing is accountability. Both people have to be responsible for their part in whatever has happened.

Then you have to restore trust. But that starts small by restoring integrity. It's all about making and keeping promises. Learning to trust and be trusted.

Infidelity is a huge broken promise. But what typically leads up to it is a million small broken promises.

If you keep the small promises, the big ones will never be a problem.

Do you ever hear stories of people you interviewed breaking up later on?

Rarely. But it's happened, and it makes me really sad when it does.

It's actually because of the one or two couples that I've interviewed and have broken up that I've added criteria to the couples I interview for the podcast now. I will only interview couples who have been together for 7 years or longer. (That's the average length that a marriage lasts in the US. Sad, right?)

Have you noticed any positive or negative influence pornography has had on long-term relationships?

I did a whole episode on this! This is a SUPER controversial topic. Especially on Reddit.

I could talk for hours about my personal stance on porn.

My personal opinion (not saying I'm right, it's just what I've experienced) is that porn is a counterfeit for love.

I think people who compulsively watch porn are self-medicating. They are trying to escape some pain, or find some fulfillment that they aren't getting from their real-world relationships.

I think there are better ways to deal with pain, sadness, despair, or lack of fulfillment than self-medication... whether that's alcohol, drugs, food, or porn.

I think porn sets unrealistic expectations for what people believe sex should be like, how their bodies should look, and what the experience should feel like.

I think having a relationship with another human being is far sexier than having one with a computer screen and your hand.

I think porn is becoming the resource children and teens turn to to learn about sex, and that scares me.

I think porn, especially when hidden from one's partner, can be one of the most damaging things to a relationship. (Anything your hiding from your partner will damage your relationship.)

I get that some people love it, think it's natural, and maybe they even think it enhances their sex life. That's ok. But also, I also don't feel I have to agree with them on all of those stances.

Really good thoughts- thanks for replying. Your episode is especially insightful when you interview one of the guys from fightthenewdrug.

From your written discussion, you've said that you've been, "the lonely, depressed, or just plain horny guy who just needed a safe and private sexual outlet."

Have you overcome these desires to have a private sexual outlet? How did you do it?

It's a constant battle for self-mastery.

I am always trying to be aware of triggers that might set me off. I have a good support system of friends who help to hold me accountable (and I them).

I've tried to remove the shame and guilt from the act, which is not always easy, and just have accepted it's something that I deal with. It's a part of who I am. I don't have to hate it. I can just embrace it and ask for help with I need it.

I appreciate such genuine and real thoughts. I wish you success with all that's going on in your life!

I wish you the very same.

You've undoubtedly answered this a few times but how has your work changed your view of what you want in a partner and how has it influenced dating?

I think what I want in a partner has completely changed.

I don't have a "list" of qualifications anymore. I more look for values and mindset.

I want to be with someone who is dedicated to personal growth. Who knows how to take care of themselves and how to set boundaries.

I don't expect someone to be exactly where I'm at with regards to relationship obsession, but I do want someone who isn't going to settle in life.

Life is too short to waste on being average and boring and stagnant.

Do you notice anything about culturally diverse relationships? Do you find that it doesn't matter or is it an additional hurdle that the couple must cross?

It depends on the situation.

Sometimes a culturally diverse relationship will ruffle the feathers of in-laws. Sometimes it means bringing different religions to the table. Sometimes it's just a huge cultural clash.

And then again, sometimes none of those things happens.

Regardless of who you are, and who you choose to be with, there will be obstacles. The quality of the relationship will hinge on how you choose to deal with those obstacles whether they are cultural, religious, physical, emotional, mental, social, financial, spiritual, or which way the toilet paper should fall (out is the right answer).

Long time Loveumentary listener, first time redditer ;) Many of the couples you interview cite faith as a key reason for their strong relationship. Do you think a strong and common faith is essential for a good relationship? If not, what other qualities or characteristics exist in strong couples who are not religious?

I think for them it's not necessarily the "faith" that is the key for their strong relationships... I think it's their shared values. And faith just happens to be one of those values.

I think faith as a principle is essential for a good relationship... meaning a hope for things you can't know for certain. But a belief in God, or being religious is not essential.

In a similar vein, something that often surprised me was how single people often use the term "compatibility." They want to find someone who is compatible with them. Someone who shares their interests and hobbies.

The word "compatible" almost never came up with couples though. It was almost always the word "complimentary." Dozens of couples have talked about the importance of finding someone who can balance you, introduce you to new things, or push you to grow in ways you'd never think to push yourself.

I think finding someone who is complimentary is pretty important.

I also think it's important to find someone who is dedicated to growth, and not happiness.

Life isn't always happy. Marriage (or relationships) aren't always happy. Happiness is very fleeting.

But when you're dedicated to growth and progress as individuals and as a couple, then you meet challenges head on. A day, a week, or a month of rough times is seen as an opportunity to come together, or grow closer.

Too many people see hard times as a sign that things are "not right." They move on. They chase happiness... because that's what we've been taught love is.

And now we have a generation who creates disposable relationships, chasing something that doesn't exist.

I'm commenting so I can save this post. This is wisdom.

Thanks!

Nate! I've been following your journey since your last AMA! Two questions:

A) With marriage, a lot of people stay together for the kids. There's couples that deal with a lot of contempt, but stick it through until the kids graduate. Do you think it's more beneficial for kids to have one roof over their heads and have two parents that stay married OR is it more beneficial for the kids to see what a real relationship looks like? What's better in the long run? (I know it's a doozy and your answer is just based off your opinions!) I guess you could also phrase it as, what are the children like of these couples that are truly in love?

B) In one sentence... and JUST one sentence, what is love when it comes to couples?

Thanks!

Edit- Words and formatting.

Awww, thanks! Always happy to hear from someone who loves what I'm trying to do.

Your first question is a doozy. I honestly think it's very situational. I think one of the biggest detriments to society is miserable marriages. It just takes a toll on an entire family and sometimes an entire community. It affects every aspect of their lives.

I think couples should stay together under the following conditions:

• They are willing to be responsible and accountable for their part in the misery they've created and live with daily.

• The relationship isn't physically abusive, or involve a severe addiction.

I read this article the other day by Richard Paul Evans and it perfectly illustrated him feeling "trapped" in his marriage until he realized he had power to change it.

I think most average, or even miserable relationships could transform into something beautiful with a few tools and some education.

That's why it breaks my heart to see the divorce rate where it's at. It's why my heart literally hurts when I see couples treat each other with contempt and spite and criticism.

If they knew how easy it was to choose something different, I truly believe this world would be a different place.

So, all that being said, I think it's optimal that kids have 2 parents... but not if the relationship is abusive and horrible. I'd rather a kid grow up in 2 happy households than one miserable one. But I think that can be avoided in most cases if people would just check their pride, learn to forgive, and most importantly, learn to be accountable. (Keep in mind, every situation is different. There is no universal solution.)

Second question... one sentence to describe what romantic love is? You're killing me here! ;)

For me, right now, love is commitment to one another's progress, growth, and ultimately happiness.

Love your answers! I agree with you wholeheartedly in both of the answers you gave! The other thing in terms of average and miserable relationships is choice on YOUR part. There comes a point in time, when the situation you find yourself in is no longer a matter of circumstance, but a matter of choice. Your choice. It is your choice to be sad, spiteful, unforgiving, distant, cold, vengeful etc. You have a choice in EVERYTHING you do. You are not a victim of your life. You only become one when you assign blame and make excuses. If you don't like the way your life is, then change it. You can't expect to change others... only yourself.

Beautifully said.

Do you find that the people in happy relationships share the same interests usually or do they both have their own separate passions? I find with my girlfriend that she doesn't really have any hobbies or interests and doesn't really "get" the drive I have to pursue different creative goals. We are both 29 and shes just fixated that shes the last one in her highschool class to not be married with babies. I have a good job and want to have a kid and all that but we fight about stupid shit constantly so i dont know.

In the couples I've interviewed it's almost 50/50.

Half say, "Birds of a feather flock together."

The other half says, "Opposites attract."

I think the important thing is that you support and encourage one another.

Can you each pursue your own things, but have a few things you share together? Do you go out and try new things, and have unique experiences as a couple? Can she support you in your interests even if she doesn't participate in them? Can you do the same for her? Are you willing to give up a little of what you love so she can have more of what she loves?

Marriage is all about progress, growth, compromise, and support. Just because you're different doesn't mean it can't work.

What is the best, craziest and saddest thing you have heard??

Best: "Yes!" -Lauren Tuft

Craziest: Probably anything I've heard on Fox News

Saddest: Anytime someone takes their own life it mades me really sad and angry. Angry because of the lost potential in the world. I wish people knew how valuable they were, and what a difference they could make in the lives of others.

Are you Dr. Neil Clark Warren?

I'm no longer madly in love. I was, but I'm not now.

And the reason I'm not is that to my mind, my partner isn't putting as much into the relationship as I am.

The most visible sign is that she's not taking care of herself. She's putting on major weight (not exercising) and she's drinking heavily.

Am I to blame?

No, I'm not Dr. Neil Clark Warren.

First, I always have a hard time hearing people say they blame their partner for no longer being "in love." Being in love is not a feeling. It's a state of being. You either love (action word) someone, or you do not. It's your choice, not theirs.

They may reject your love, but that doesn't mean you have to stop loving them.

Your ability to love is completely up to you. Not someone else.

Secondly, it sounds like you're correct that your partner isn't taking care of herself. There are some great books on setting boundaries (which are essential for a functional relationship) that I would recommend.

Check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. She specifically talks about what to do with a partner who has an addiction.

Hopefully that helps!

How does a couple cure mediocre, average, boring love?

It starts by admitting there's more than what you have.

The next step is to decide what you want to be better, and create a game plan.

Read some books (let me know if you want recommendations). Talk to a therapist or coach. Find a couple that you admire who can mentor you. Start an "Awesome Relationship" group with your friends and meet together every month to talk about how to create better relationships.

Being better requires doing more... or doing things differently than before. Change is uncomfortable and awesome.

Thank you for the response. All of these seem very helpful.

You're welcome. Let me know if you want more...

Late to the party but really enjoyed reading your responses. I will now tune into your podcasts.

Can you please provide the book recommendations?

Thanks! Glad you dropped by.

Here are some of my favorite books, and why I love them so much:

• Love: What Life Is All About by Leo Buscaglia - A great starting place for truly understanding the basics of love as a principle, and how to develop it in your personal life.

• The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz - This will make you painfully aware of all of your selfish and misguided ideas of what love is. He also helps paint a picture of empowerment, and helps you realize that amazing love is well within your ability to create.

• 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman - This book is the most well-rounded, practical, and informative book I've found that exposes the most common and painful pitfalls of most romantic relationships. If you read this book and do the homework, you will be SO prepared far ahead of the game.

• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover - I would recommend this book to any guy who considers themselves a nice guy, who has been raised in a conservative community, or who says he loves women... but when the women don't love him back he gets angry and defensive and blames his loneliness on them. Great great great book that changed my life, for sure.

• The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida - If you read and enjoy No More Mr. Nice Guy, this book is the next step. It's a little more advanced, detailed, and heady, but so so good.

• The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle - I will probably get a lot of flack about this one for the title alone, but honestly it's one of the best books I've read that encourage personal accountability for women. It's probably not a book for everyone, but there is a lot of good in there that lend a lot of insight into how many women have surrendered their power to be in a fulfilling, rewarding relationship.

• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel - I'm in the middle of this book right now, and it's amazing. Easily the best book I've read on the topic of modern sexual relationships. It's tasteful, and yet very very informative. If you are currently in a sexually active relationship, this is a book worth exploring.

There are more, but this is a really good place to start.

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The reality of the situation is that relationships - even the best ones - are really really hard sometimes.

I'd invite you to listen to this interview. Reed and Alene are in their 90's. They've been together for over 70 years. They were cuddling on the couch and holding as we talked to them. They were so obviously in love.

But listening to their story you will hear how they've gone through more than one bankruptcy. They've gone through conflict. They've had to sacrifice as they've gone through different phases of life, like school, or having big commitments in their church, or even work.

But you get the feeling that these difficult things brought them closer together... and that's entirely by their choice.

Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it will always be hard. There's no such thing as a relationship that results in constant happiness.

If you want to talk about how you can improve things, or start making some changes, PM me. I'm happy to chat with you.

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I think the best way to answer your first question is to answer the second question first.

My favorite love advice is "Choose what you love. Love what you choose."

I think the best way to find the love of your life is by living a life you love. You're far more likely to find someone who is a good fit for you by getting away from your computer, putting your phone away, and just meeting people face-to-face who share your values.

People find love online all the time, but it's like searching for a needle in a haystack because everyone is at a different state of readiness. You have to sift through all the people who don't want what you want from a relationship, the people who don't interest you, the people who don't share your interests or values, and the people who are just... well... nuts.

It's much easier to get a feel for who someone is by talking to them in person.

How do you define "madly in love" when every relationship is unique?

Honestly? I go off of my gut.

I know not every relationship is the same. I know every couple has their own set of challenges. But I also think that regardless of where a couple is in their relationship, there is something I can learn from them.

Not every couple I've interviewed has a relationship I want. But I have learned something from every single couple.

My motto is to take what works for me and leave the rest behind.

Take what you want and leave the rest, that's what they say on the meetings.

Madly in live is difficult for me, I thought I was once but it turned out to be list and obsession. Now I'm with a woman I love dearly, abs am in love with. I will show her your stuff because I want to work towards being madly in love, but I know that it will take work, but we have our whole lives to figure it out, and I think that's what is most important. That you have a person you are willing to do that with for your lives together.

The word "work" has such a negative connotation attached to it. (Yet I fall into the trap of using it all the time.)

I prefer the word "effort."

It requires effort, but you can fall in love with the effort. The process can be enjoyed. And you're 100% right, you have your whole lives to figure it out. The fact that you have someone who signs up to do that with you is pretty awesome. Don't take it for granted.

And don't mistake love for limerence. There's a big difference, and it's a mistake many people often make.

What kind of music are you into?

Right now I'm listening to Chopin while wearing a Dear and the Headlights t-shirt. Last week I took a walk while listening to a playlist of show tunes. When I work out I listen to 90's anthems.

Here's a link to my Last.fm account so you can see my musical history. ;)

What's your favorite type of pop tart?

Any pop tart is a good pop tart.

Negative. Plain pop tarts suck. Don't even know why they make em.

I stand corrected.

Hey, have you interviewed Swingers?

Not yet, but I'd love to!

How are you preparing for your own wedding? When is your wedding? How do you feel like your studies have prepared you for marriage?

I'm preparing for my wedding by just trying to become the best possible lover that I can be. I read a lot. I take care of myself. I try to take care of others. I study what it means to be a great partner.

I have no idea when my wedding is. One day, I hope.

I think my studies have both opened my eyes to the reality of marriage. I logically understand the difficulties and challenges and obstacles that await. I know it won't always be easy. But I have also witnessed what's possible. And I know the beauty, majesty, and elation that can come from an incredible relationship.

I'm ready for both of those things.

How do you find and pick a couple to interview?

Typically by referral. I like to find couples that I (or people who I admire) admire.

I feel like every person has access to at least one couple in their life whose relationship they envy.

I like to track down those outliers and chat with them and if things seem radical, set up an interview.

What’s an important life lesson you’ve learned from interviewing all these couples?

The most important lesson I've learned is that people (including myself) too quickly and easily surrender their power to create the life they want.

It's so easy to play the victim card. It's so easy to blame life, or other people, or circumstances you can't control for the life you don't have.

We have excuses for everything. Bad day? Running late? Miss a deadline? Drop the ball? Break a promise? We have an excuse for everything.

The moment you stop making excuses, start holding yourself accountable, and start making a real effort to keep your promises to yourself and others, the life you want starts to become a reality.

Want an awesome marriage? Make a real, tangible promise (or make a lot of them), and keep it.

Want an awesome job? Keep your promises to your boss and your coworkers.

Want an awesome friendship? Keep your promises to your friends and hold them to the same standard.

If I could give anyone advice on creating an amazing relationship, it would be to stop making excuses, and to start keeping promises that will help you create the life you want.

From doing this work do you now hold your relationships to a higher level? Do you have a harder or easier time having a relationship with someone because of what you’ve learned?

I definitely feel like my relationships are at a higher level. My relationships are a lot easier because I've learned so many principles and tools that make relationships so amazing.

When you choose to create love in your life, and you realize that you have an unlimited supply of love to give, it becomes really easy to love... especially the people you care about most.

Have you ever read the five love languages? If so do you see that applied to the couples you interview?

Yes, it's a great book. But even the author, Gary Chapman admitted in an interview we did with him that the love languages are just a starting point. They're not the end-all-be-all of relationships. It's more like Relationships 101.

But yes, most awesome couples know each others love languages (whether consciously or subconsciously).

Have you interviewed any gay couples? Do you feel they love differently or have different relationships and love?

Yes, I've interviewed a few gay couples.

I don't feel they love differently... but in my experience, I do feel like culturally they have a different set of challenges than most hetero couples.

But since I'm a straight male, I'm going to avoid going into it beyond that. I don't want to claim to be an expert in a subculture I have little-to-no experience with.

Did you think any of those couples were faking it?

I don't believe most people would agree to do a 1-2 hour interview about their love life that is going to be posted on the internet for the world to see (hear) unless they really believed they had something awesome.

Most people are really quite authentic... which is why I love doing this stuff.

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Time doesn't make a relationship incredible.

Time + Effort makes a relationship incredible.

Using time together as a measure for the quality of a relationship is complete garbage in my opinion. There are a lot of people who stay in miserable relationships for a really long time. And people celebrate this mental and emotional torture.

I'm not saying that people should walk away from this type of relationship. My hope is that they will wake up and realize that there is more! That they have the power to create something better.

Too many people wait for the other person to start creating something awesome. Incredible relationships don't start with the other person. They start with you.

:) thank you

You're most welcome.

What is a strange or seemingly unlikely quality that you often encounter in successful relationships?

Interesting question.

Something that's culturally strange is the way they turn to each other when crap hits the fan.

Most people tend to blame, accuse, and play the victim.

People in successful relationships tend to hold themselves accountable, express gratitude, look for the good, and see a challenge as an opportunity for growth.

It's weird and beautiful and awesome.

First off, this is such an awesome project! Kudos to you!

My question: in interviewing so many couples and hearing their stories, do you believe in the idea that once you stop looking for love, that's when you find it?

I don't believe you find love. I believe you create it.

I also don't think you can predict when or how it will enter your life, so being prepared for love is important.

I think the reason people suggest to stop looking for love is very similar to the whole "a watched pot never boils" situation. It's pretty unsatisfying to try to anticipate when something relatively unpredictable will happen... especially if it unfolds over time.

What are your thoughts on Breaking Bad and have you taken any interest in Better Call Saul?

Love Breaking Bad the show. Don't love Walter White as a husband/father figure. But he makes for good TV.

Watched both episodes of Better Call Saul. Really excited to see how this storyline develops.

What things would keep a relationship strong when each others' taste in music, cinema and such entertainment are vastly different? (When one's taste is complex and the other's is simple)

Similar interests aren't nearly as important as shared values. Values tend to stay with a person for the majority of their life. Interests come and go. Stop focusing on the interests, and try to figure out what really makes you and your partner tick. What's important to you? Why is it important?

If you can figure that stuff out, you're in much better shape than a huge percentage of people just starting out in their relationships.

I love love love the Loveumentary podcast, and I'm wondering:

• The interviews must take a long time to edit, but any idea when the next couples interview might be up? (all new content is exciting, but I literally cheer every time I see a new couple interview.)

• Are you still actively interviewing couples? Is there a nomination process?

• Do you feel like your interviewing technique/style has changed over time?

• Do you have a five-year-type plan for The Loveumentary, or are you just letting it unfold naturally? Do you see it growing into something like a book or documentary?

Thank you again for this project, and keep up the great work!

Thank you!

• They do take a long time to edit, but I recently had a few amazing people volunteer to help me. So I'll have a new episode coming out every week now. (That's my goal.) I'll release one today especially for you.

• I'm still actively interviewing couples, yes. I love it. And if you want to nominate one, just fill out the contact form on the site. The challenge I have is the cost of travel right now... so if they live far away from me, it might take a while for me to get to them.

• I definitely feel like my interviewing technique and style has evolved over time. I'm learning more what it means to hold space for someone to really open up and share their story. I think I've also learned the importance of asking good questions. You can only get to know someone to the extent that you can ask them the right questions.

• I am working on a 5 year plan. The big thing I'm working on right now is LoveCon. I love getting out and meeting the listeners and readers. I love sharing what I've learned in person. I'd really like to write a book... or several books. And I'd like to do some video stuff as well. Right now it's a matter of time. If I could spend all my time being creative and being with people instead of running my businesses, I'd be a very happy camper.

Thanks for listening and loving. The world needs more people like you.

So...what's the answer? What makes the best relationships? (in a TL;DR format please)

You do.

For a second, I was like "woah, a smooth sailor over here!" then I realized that wasn't flirting, it was just stating the obvious...

;)

Why do you keep mentioning sitting at people's feet? Not judging.

Didn't realize I was saying that. Probably a master/apprentice type analogy. I think I just really respect these people and so learning from them is a humbling experience.

How many people have you interviewed?

Getting close to 200.

About six months ago I met an incredible girl. We started dating right away, and things were great. Except the fact that she's a freshman and I'm a senior in college.

The pressures of finding a job, graduating on time, and making the next big step to "the real world" were taking a toll on me, and I wasn't treating her well, nor was I able to focus on the relationship.

I thought things through, we talked, and I ended up breaking up with her. I still think of her so damn much, but I know that we are just at different stages in our life, and it isn't fair to either of us.

It's been such a tough few weeks since the break up because I know we are very compatible and have many of the same goals. We respect each others boundaries, and our friends enjoy being with us (some of the things you've talked about in this AMA). The only big issue is that she's just now starting a 4 year journey, and I'm just about to end my 4-year journey in college. I know a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

I keep thinking that maybe in a few years we will see each other and things could work out. Have you ever seen anything like that happen? What are your thoughts on long distance relationships and the pressures that come along with them, especially between two young adults. Thank you!

Overwhelmingly long distance relationships suck. They're hard to maintain, especially if you really crave physical affection and intimacy. There are ways you can make it work, but they're not for the faint of heart... and typically long distance at a young age is even harder.

That being said, I don't want to rain on your parade. First and foremost, you get to design your life. If you want to do long distance, you absolutely can, and you can make it work. You can also hang around town, find a job where you are, and wait for her to finish school. That's really not a terrible thing to do. People do it all the time.

Or, she can transfer schools. That's an option too.

The thing I'm trying to emphasize here is that you don't have 1 choice. You have many. Infinite choices actually. If you love her, find a way to make it work. If you don't, move on.

But calling off a relationship (especially a great relationship) solely because she's a freshman and you're graduating seems like you could be needlessly throwing something really valuable away.

What advice would you give to people for long distance? Me and my gf are in love and very loyal, but the distance kills us alot and we don't know what to do many of the times we skype together

My friend Besski specializes in this kind of stuff. He recently wrote a post about long distance relationships that was pretty popular on my site. Check it out.

I'm a bit late to the party, but maybe you'll still see this. From the couples you interviewed, when did they start to invest more and more into the relationship?

In a sense, at what point did they decide the relationship is something important to them, and maintaining it is worth the extra effort that a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship requires?

It's diferent for every couple.

It's like a dance of vulnerability. (Think ballroom dance.) You don't let someone in all at once. It's gradual. There's a natural give and take. One person opens up, then the other.

Gradually, at a pace that's comfortable to you, you begin to asses how far into your life you want to allow this person.

Be cautious and courageous. Nobody does it perfectly. People say, "I love you" too early. Some say it too late.

We all just kind of figure it out as we go along.

If you could recommend one self-help book that has advice or teachings that accurately reflect what makes these couples happy, which one would it be?

7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Hands down.

I'm coming to the party rather late, but I'm fascinated by the answers you've given thus far. Have you ever interviewed couples who were in their second, third, fourth, etc. marriages and finally made that successive marriage work? If so, have you found any common elements as to why a second marriage might work where a first didn't?

Absolutely I have interviewed couples who aren't on their first marriage. Here are a few examples:

• Kiran and MeiMei - They are both on their 2nd marriage.

• Beth and Tom - This is Tom's 2nd marriage

• Judy and Roger - Judy's first husband passed away in the war.

• Jim and Cindy - Cindy's husband passed away, and Jim married her (his first marriage) at 50-something.

You should give them a listen. I'd start with Kiran and MeiMei. Their episode is one of my favorites.

Do you believe in open relationships? Have you come across couples who make this work?

When you say do I "believe" in them, what does that mean?

Do I think they are bad or wrong? No. Do I want one? No.

In my experience, it's pretty rare in our society to find a couple that can make an open relationship work. Not to say it doesn't happen... but it's just really hard.

I think there should be a mandatory training program for people who want to be in any form of relationship... but especially people who want to be in polyamorous relationships.

I'm not a socialist. I swear.

What is your favorite flavor of icecream?

Anything that's dairy free. I prefer caramel to chocolate... but I'll never complain about chocolate. Ever. Unless it's gross.

What's the most unforgettable thing in your interview ?

I think the most unforgettable moment I've experience in an interview so far was everything I was able to witness with Ty and Terri.

It was one of those moments when I walked into a strangers house wondering what would happen. Then 2 hours later we were all wiping tears from our eyes, hugging, exchanging gifts, and asking when we'd be able to see each other again.

Their relationship and their love is so beautiful. My heart aches for a love like theirs just thinking about it.

Have you ever had a threesome with any of them?

No. No I have not.

Have you wanted to?

That's just not how I roll.

Why are you single? And why should people trust relationship advice from a guy who's not in one?

Sorry if that came out snarky, wasn't my intention. Just wondering if you've heard this criticism and what your response may be.

I'm going to choose to opt out of your first question, because it's personal. Sorry.

The second one, however, is a very valid question... one that comes up often. I hope my response doesn't come across as snarky either.

As one of my heroes, Leo Buscaglia, said, "You don't have to have cancer to be a surgeon."

I would respond by asking a question to anybody else who has your same question. What makes someone a relationship expert? (I'm not claiming to be one... but I'm still curious to hear the answer.)

Being married doesn't make you an expert. Something like 30%-50% of them end in divorce.

Ok, well, what if your marriage lasts a long time?

I know a lot of people who have been married for a long time and their marriages look really sad from the outside. I can only imagine what they look like from the inside. Do you want to take advice from these people?

How bout a scholar? Most therapists study, analyze, and work with couples who are struggling, or on the brink of failure. They may be very smart and educated, but they're also surrounded by people who are suffering (granted, they are trying to improve, which is a step above many other couples).

I've spent countless hours being with, talking to, and studying the relationships that thrive.

I'm not saying I know everything. I know I don't. But I've experienced some things, and learned some things from these incredible people that have changed my life, and I want to share that knowledge with others.

So, in a sense, you're not trusting me... you're trusting them.

Fair enough! Thanks for the response!

Thanks for the question!

Sorry if I'm asking questions that have already been answered. But my question is: with all the people you interview does there seem to be a standard in the amount of time spent together or apart? To rephrase how much of their lives are shared with each other and/or kept separated from one another?

No. Some couples do everything together. Others pursue their own hobbies.

You have to figure out what works best for you.

A lot of people are looking for the perfect recipe to true love. My discovery over the past few years is that there are as many recipes for true love as there are people who experience it.

Everyone figures it out for themselves. They figure out what works for them. They are constantly tweaking it and adjusting it depending on the circumstances of life, and their own progress and individual growth.

Will you only be travelling inside the US? Any chance to go to other countries and do the same so you can look into this subject but with different cultures?

I would LOVE to travel outside the US. The only obstacle is the travel expenses... and the fact that I'm running 2 businesses right now.

I hope to figure out those details this year so I can do more of what I love.

I'm a 25 yr old, male, virgin who can't get even get girls to agree to go out on a single date or pick up the phone when he calls them. Do you have any advice or insight on what I can do to succeed in this very initial step to trying to form a good relationship?

There's nothing wrong with being a 25-year-old virgin. And dating is just really hard. Most people struggle with it, so you're not alone there.

If I were you, I would start by reading the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Also, one of my favorite researchers, John Gottman, says in his book that one of the foundational keys to a lasting relationship is a solid friendship. Focus on creating a non-sexual, non-romantic relationship with girls for now. Just learn to become a good friend. Do things together. Be there for them. Develop a report.

And most importantly, make sure you're taking care of yourself. Exercise regularly. Eat healthy. Take time to meditate or pray. Pursue your own interests. If a girl sees that you don't value or respect yourself, she won't value or respect you either.

The way you treat yourself is directly related to the way you give others permission to treat you.

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Every situation is different, but it sounds to me like you had the foundation of something really great in place, but distance and lack of effort led to a fizzle.

I know PTSD can be really hard to deal with, both for the person who has it, and their partner. But it's also possible.

I believe most loving relationships can overcome most of the hurdles thrown at them if they have the right tools. The big red flags for me are abuse and addiction. If those two things are absent in the relationship, and you have 2 people who are willing to put in the effort and hold themselves accountable, I think they can make something beautiful out of their relationship.

Does that answer your question?

Two of my best friends are in a really rocky relationship, and they fight almost everyday. They have a definite lack of trust, and if one of them shows any small sign of a bad mood, it sets the other over the edge. I would love for them to stay together, but its hard to watch them continue this way. Is there any advice you can give me for them?

This is such a common issue, and one that has a simple answer... but not necessarily an easy one.

For most couples, it's not what they fight about that tears them apart, it's how they fight. One couple can get a divorce over how to squeeze the toothpaste. Another couple can come closer together after an affair.

The difference is in how they handle the conflict.

My favorite resource for communication and conflict resolution is learning about The Gottman Institute's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. My guess is that at least 3 of these 4 damaging habits are present in your friends' relationship.

Reading the book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work would be a great place to learn about how to eradicate those habits, and replace them with healthier alternatives.

Have any of the couples you've interviewed gone on to breakup and then reconcile? What happened?

Some have gone through breakups and reconciled in the course of their relationship. But none have broken up and gotten together since I've interviewed them... at least none that I know of.

One of my favorite breakup/reconciliation stories is this one.

Do these loving couples eat an abundance of macaroni and cheese?

If I had to guess, I would say yes.

I thought so.

But more of them eat fish sticks and custard.

What are your thoughts on sex before marriage? Is it necessary to know your mate better? Or do you believe more in saving yourself for marriage?

I think it's a personal decision. But I'm also fairly old-school.

I really like Wendy Walsh's take on things. She talks about studies that have been done on couples who rush physical intimacy. Her claim (and I tend to agree with this the majority of the time) is that there is no such thing as waiting for "too long."

Here are some stats and takeaways from my interview with her: * The price of sex has dropped from, in our grandmother’s generation, it was probably a year of dating, in my generation it was 3 dates. We had a thing called the 3-date Rule in the 80’s. Now the price of sex has dropped down to the barrel-bottom price of one well-worded text.

• Just because you’re having sex, doesn’t mean you’re in love.

• And if my memory serves me, she said something like 90% of couples who have sex within 1 month of meeting each other don't last a year.

I value sex as something that brings a couple together in a way that nothing else can. It's not the most popular belief, but it's what makes me happy.