IamA Father of my dead son who was poisoned by me ex-fiance with a large amount of methamphetamine... I'm about to be interviewed. AMA

You people downvoting OP for not trying to get custody have never tried to do that, have you?

It took me SIX YEARS just to get shared custody of my son. And I was in the same city (or at least within an hours drive of it) for that entire time. OP was in an entirely different state, and it was only 2 months when his son regretfully died.

There is not a single bloody thing OP could've done to prevent this, and you people downvoting every comment he makes because he's trying to cope with the loss of his child is fucking horrible.

EDIT: For those of you considering donating:

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/2r1b55/iama_father_of_my_dead_son_who_was_poisoned_by_me/cncgs94

I still stand by my general comments about the difficulty in fathers getting custody.

Thank you for** understanding... I'm dealing with this shit and I was hoping to get some support im reading these comments in tears at the moment... I TRIED AS FUCKING HARD AS I COULD... I didn't ever think I would outlive my child...

Not a father here, but I've seen how the system fucks fathers over. Please don't let the uninformed affect you, I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you the best in these rough times. Hug

thank you.. I appreciate it alot.

I second Timotheuss's comment OP, Big hugs from Australia - Keep your head up.

Out of interest, what medium are you being interviewed for?

kron4 bay area (california U.S.A)

Coming from a child who had parents with split custody, I know how hard it is to get it, the judge was going to refuse split custody but the only thing that saved it is my input on the situation, something that clearly wasn't an option in your case. Anyway if nothing else keep on keeping on and don't let the inconsiderate comments get you down, good luck and I think any decent person knows you did absolutely nothing wrong in this case!

Yeah I don't understand why people are being so cruel to me its making me feel that much worse..

The majority of people on Reddit are great people. However... there are some people that get off on being assholes to people under the anonymous veil of a username. Pay NO attention to those people. They aren't in your shoes, and they should all thank God for that. May they never know the pain of losing a child. There wasn't enough time. You have my deepest condolences. I'm sure you did everything you could.

You have to develop a thick skin when dealing with internet boards. Just understand that half of them are just saying things to get attention, because they are bored. Seriously, don't let them make you feel worse than you already do.

loook what I just received

from lolitot sent 2 minutes ago You are a real piece of shit. Your son is far better off dead than with either of his parents. There is genuinely nothing bad enough to call you that would truly encompass what a terrible waste of human life you are. If only it had been you and your ex-girlfriend whose lives were taken in place of your son's.

people are jerks (hugs)

aww thank you

Read the title and choked up a bit. I'm so sorry my man. You have a lot more restraint than I'd have, I'd end up killing her.

If you ever need to talk about things, feel free to personally message me - stay strong.

Thank you dude...

I just want to say I am really sorry for all the people saying you didn't try hard enough or are just doing this to advertise. That's terrible (and untrue) of anybody to say after you lost your child. You don't deserve any of the crap your getting from others.

If your comfortable with answering: How are you trying to recover from this?

I'm really sorry for your loss, no one deserves this to happen to them.

Once again thank you for understanding :<

I know how fucked up the system is, especially when it's the father - the one time men are discriminated against. Even if you were doing everything in your power to get your kid, I guarantee you would not have had enough time, even if you went straight to court.

Do not think that you are at fault here. And don't let anyone else tell you that either. Any man in North America who has had to deal with custody knows how powerless you were. And I'm so sorry for your loss - I have no idea how I would deal with any of my kids dying.

Thank you for understanding

You tried as hard as you could? You didn't even report it to the police or do anything about your babies safety and you claim you tried hard as you could? I don't care about getting downvoted on this but when you have a child entering the world you have to man up and do everything to protect it and keep it safe. It can't defend itself or remove itself from the poor decision making of the mother or anyone else for that matter! It relies solely on the parents to keep it alive and safe, financially stable or not you do what you have to do and protect your own flesh and blood.

I was in a different state I had no clue that it was going south that fast...

I don't really have a question but I just wanted to point out:

She's 5 months pregnant. The baby died in June. That means she must've got pregnant a month or so after the baby died. Did I get that right??

yes

what went through your mind when you found out your ex-fiance did this to your child?

That's insane

edit: a word

I was paralyzed with disbelief and then I got really sick and vomited a few times...

God... I can't even imagine. And such a young little guy. I'm so sorry, OP.

Don't be sorry.... but I understand the condolences...

[deleted]

well right now I'm a wreck... I'm broke, I don't have anyone except my girlfriend as of now.... but I'm losing hope day by day. not just because of this but because of a lot of other shit that has happened to me.

What has happened to you?

I'm homeless broke and I do have a girlfriend but there is only so much she can do...

Shit, that's horrible, I'm so sorry that happened to your family. Are you sure doing an AMA is the best thing for you right now?

I think it will help me deal with it in some way shape or from... because of all the pain and suffering that she has caused me that eventually caused me to become homeless later down the line (currently) i need to tell people what kind of person she really was... because I've kept the abuse internalized for too long.

How exactly did a 2 month old get meth into his system?

Is this "second hand meth smoke" (if that even exists) or something more direct and sinister?

Also, if there is an ongoing criminal case, you really shouldn't be doing an AMA.

from what is known she must have put it in the baby bottle

Why in the holy hell would someone do that?

That's capital murder in my opinion.

I hope she gets first degree.

Yeah. So the theory is that they intentionally put meth into a baby bottle? Do you have any idea why they would do that (other than being meth heads)?

to kill the child.. thats my only guess.

But then why call 911? Surely she would know that meth would be found in the baby's system.

it was a house full of tweakers, so one of them saw the baby tripping out and called 911.

1). What percentage of her actions would you attribute to use of methamphetamine and what percentage to crazy bitch?

2). Did you fall in love with a good person that later decided to use crank and destroy her life or did you kind of know she was bad news from the beginning?

3). What's your perspective on the effects of methamphetamines on a person?

1) 40% methamphetamine 60% Emotional problems

2) She was a great person early on, but later down the line she started abusing me, and things went downhill from there.

3) I've seen people do fine and go about their lives on meth, and I've seen people turned into monsters....

I'm so sorry that you suffered abuse from your SO at the time. It's so fucking hard to talk about when the husband is being abused because they fear not being taken seriously. It's a very real and serious situation and extremely hard to get out of. I wish you all the best and the only advice I can give you is to not look for comfort in the bottom of a bottle. I tried that after emotional trauma and while it numbed me at first, it later created another nightmare. Stay strong OP. I believe in you.

thank you.

[deleted]

I cooperated with investigators the whole time. the D.A wants to charge her with homicide the investigator told me.

I will try my best to cope with all this.. but its hard man, its fucking hard...

Will you ever be able to forgive her for what she did?

Maybe in time...

But I don't think so... she killed my flesh and blood dude...

You have every right to resent her. Sometimes, it's better not to forgive. She took a child's life and part of yours with it.

a part of my soul really..

[deleted]

I DIDN'T LET THIS HAPPEN. DO YOU THINK i WANTED MY CHILD TO DIE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU....

I'm only 22, I didn't know what to do and what my options were, and I was scared of what would happen to me if I had told someone what the situation was...

Don't worry buddy. Not everything is down to you. This isn't your fault at all. My deep condolences.

thank you. it means alot :)

What do you mean "scared what would happen to you"?

her boyfriend beat me with a tire iron in the past

I'm unbelievably sorry for your loss, OP. Out of curiosity, what are your feelings toward the boyfriend in this situation? Namely, do you find him as responsible or more so, than your ex for supplying the drugs? I hope you have a great year and take care of yourself.

the boyfriend was addicted to meth and selling it, and i think as his girlfriend she had free reign on all the meth. but I do know that the boyfriend cared about the child. even though it wasn't his.

How do you know the boyfriend cared about the baby? Did you and him communicate ever? What did he do to care for your son? Did he play any roll in his death? Did he know what his girlfriend was doing to him? I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what youre going through right now.

yeah we communicated. edit he apparently fed and sold drugs in order to keep him housed and such. I don't think he had a roll in my sons death, other than probably providing the meth. and no I don't think he knew what my ex fiance was doing.

Have you ever taken meth?

No.

So sorry for your loss, that is terrible.

Did you notice anything about her character whilst you were with her to suggest she'd be capable of doing something so horrific? Did her habit start before or after you parted ways? Did this connection to meth come out the blue to you?

she had violent fits of rage against me. she had all the signs and symptoms of BPD.

and she had started using meth in our relationship, but it was after she left me she found out she was pregnant with our kid. (within weeks)

and I knew the meth dealer from before he used to be a good guy who helped me out through alot of shit that had happened to me, but as soon as he started tweaking, it all went downhill from there.

I don't know if it matters now, but are you sure the kid was yours? If my meth addicted ex who had just left me for a meth dealer told me she was suddenly pregnant with my child weeks after we broke up, I would be... Skeptical.

Hope that's not too insensitive. Sorry for your loss.

he was mine..

Sorry about all of the shitty people giving you crap.

Was she an addict before she met you, or did she start using later?

she used drugs before me,but really heavy after me.

Sorry for your loss. It's ridiculous how states prefer the mother get custody over the father in general. This is why the system is fucked. What one person already said, took him 6 years for shared custody. I hope she gets done for. How is this not considered murder? If never forgive that bitch if I were you. She doesn't deserve forgiveness.

the D.A wanted to charge it as a homicide

Did you attempt to get custody of the child since she was using?

I couldn't because of my financial situation. I did however beg her to give the child up for adoption, or anything to save him from the horrible life he was going to have. he already had birth defect's from her shooting methamphetamine while he was in the womb.

edit Even right now due to her leaving me for the meth dealer and ruining our living situation I've been off and on homeless for over a year. currently im living at a shelter... and im not faring too well.

Your comment here should show everyone who had been critical of whether you 'tried hard enough' for custody that the cards were totally stacked against you. I've seen men who have a home, steady income, no criminal record, etc., lose custody battles. If she at least had a roof over her head and you didn't, your odds of gaining custody were nearly nil. And as you said, two months is just a drop in the bucket to how long those battles can go on. I am so sorry that this has happened to you and I wish you strength and healing. But don't question yourself about custody attempts, no matter what is posted here. Please hang in there.

thank you.

Im sorry to ask but what were the birth defects?

heart defects and low birth weight

Can your family help you?

No... they want no part in any of this..

Why won't your family help or support you? Do you not have contact with them? If not, what led to these circumstances?

I have close contact with them, hell I went to have Christmas with them, its just they don't have the funds nor the space to let me stay with them.

It's over though. Can't they let you live with them (parents, brothers, sisters etc.)?

full house, too small for me to live there too...

I know that this will most likely get downvoted to oblivion but with all the people supporting you and offering condolences, I have to ask;

What made you think that it would actually be a good thing to procreate with this sick person? If it was an honest accident, I can understand that, but it was still an extremely poor lack of judgement that in part led to the death of an innocent baby.

You can start the downvoting now!

To put it bluntly we had had sex over 800 times without protection without any pregnancy's. so I presumed I was sterile..

I saw your other post about being sure it was yours and I wanted to ask, did you have a DNA test done?

yes.

Any reason to contact your ex ever again? What will that be like, whichever happens?

I only want to ask why...

Do they have any idea why? Like has the current boyfriend said anything that you know of? Can't imagine the investigators would release it but just wondering.

current boyfriend is in jail for selling meth

[deleted]

wat

So how are you going to use this to make money?

what?

Was she a feminist? I bet she was a feminist and did it because she found out the child was male.

Not funny.

I wasn't joking. This is the sort of thing that a feminist would do.

oh..

Why was she not under strict supervision while she was pregnant? You knew that she was living with a meth dealer right? Why didn't you report the guy? Why didn't you file for full custody? So many things that could have been done to prevent this, but what's done is done. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope that you will have a happy future.

I was scared of retaliation.

[deleted]

I was also NOT FIT to be a parent, financially and I was not even in the same state after the baby was born.

I'm not sure what you mean by retaliation, but they killed your baby, which I imagine is worse than any form of "retaliation" you were thinking about.

her boyfriend had tried killing me in the past lets just put it that way...

Why are you doing this?

I don't understand

What do you hope to accomplish with this ama? It just seems like your hyping the interview about this horrible event.

I wasn't trying to hype it, it just so happened that I was about to be interviewed..

I really hope the idiots who are commenting these type of comments aren't getting to you. I'm so fucking sorry and saddened that anyone would have to go through what you are right now. Just try to focus on one thing at a time, like getting your housing situation in order, and in time, you'll look back and see all that you were able to overcome and become more at .. peace (maybe not that best word but ....) with. Hoping for the best and I hope this AMA helped you emotionally even in the slightest. -----Internet hug------

I'm trying as hard as I can... fuck dude All I need is like 700 dollars to get out of this state and go somewhere where the rent is cheaper and where my computer skills can actually be used. because in the silicon valley computer skills are way too saturated.

What have you done to change your life so this never happens again?

I don't know how to answer this.

Here is an idea. Let's cash in on this terrible tragedy and earn me some karma!

Come on guys, ask me anything? -OP

not cool... at all... do you really think im trying to cash in on my childs death? you sick fuck.

God damn this thread has made me emotional. I'm so fucking sorry man... there's so much I want to say and ask but I can't. There's a big world out there and the fact that you're still here proves you're strong enough to survive. I have a feeling that you're even strong enough to thrive in the future. Get through this. Please get through this. If you want to talk any time just PM me.

I'll pm you. and thank you for your support