Pretend I'm saying something much more intelligent & witty than I really am. Gilbert Gottfried, AMA.

Hi Gilbert,

Around 2001 you were in a small town of Oshawa, Canada doing a taped segment for the TV show 'First Take'. I worked at the local book store, and through an agreement, had a weekly book review segment on this show.

I often got to meet celebreties doing this, but was still excited to have a chance to meet you. I watched your taped segment with glee, and greatly enjoyed getting to watch you in person, and honour I'd never had to that point.

However, you were going to be staying at a local hotel in a small town known for petty crimes such as welfare fraud and crack use, and not much else, and were not happy that you had yet another boring night to endure. I remember you asking us if there was anything to do in town, and we sadly had to answer no.

As I handled the book reviews, as well as dressing the set with new releases, I offered to loan you a copy the new George Carlin book 'Napalm and Silly Putty' for the night, which you accepted. You promised to have someone drop it by the studio the next day, on your way out of town. Imagine my surprise when I find, the following week that nobody ever did drop that book off. I realized that Gilbert Gottfried had stolen the book I loaned him.

I had to go out of pocket $20 on that book, so my question for you is, do you still have my book, and did you fucking enjoy it?

**EDIT: For those that care, I grew up in Whitby, Went to Austin, but basically lived in Oshawa, since that's where most of my friends lived. The store was in Ajax, but still commuted to Oshawa for the TV Show. And Oshawa may have 140,000 people, but it was still rather 'small town' in those days. It had a crappy movie theater in the mall, none of the developments up on Taunton were in yet. Maybe I've been spoiled by living in Toronto, but my memories of Oshawa were of a larger Mayberry with an Auto Plant, crack and whores...

And thanks for the Gold. Can't believe this shit blew up.

HAHAHAHA.

I still have the book! I read it! And if you wait right where you are now, I'll bring it to you in 5 minutes.

What was it like being a Black comedian in the fifties?

HAHAHAHA!

Well it was bad enough me being black, but it made it even more difficult that I'm a black woman.

Will you marry me then?

Yes, I will marry you, Mr. Robert De Niro.

Hey Gilbert, big fan.

My 7yr old self has gotta know, what was it like voicing Digit on Cyberchase? Did you learn anything mathematical during the process?

That's the funny thing, it was an educational cartoon, and I was the worst student on the planet. And it's amazing to me that parents STILL come over to me and tell me how much their kids learn from me. I'm such an idiot that as I was reading it, I didn't understand it, and yet 2 year olds were able to figure it out.

Gilbert, you famously read a portion of “Fifty Shades of Grey” in your character’s voice and it was insanely funny. Would you be willing to record a paragraph of it in your actual voice for us?

And don’t tell me you don’t have a different speaking voice in your private life, because I’ve heard your Bababooey voicemail where you use it!

Thanks GG.

I would gladly do more of Fifty Shades of Grey, whenever someone wants to raise money for it, I'll read the entire book. I haven't decided yet about doing a Kickstarter, but it's a good idea. I don't know if the Fifty Shades people would sue me! I will say also that I have gotten several emails and tweets telling me that they LOVE how I scream "VAGINA!!!!"

Huge fan. Dumb question, but: is there a reason you haven't been on Stern for a while? Your appearances on the show have always been the best parts, far and away.

I don't know why I haven't been on. I blame anti-Semitism.

Your appearance at the Friars Club shortly after 9/11 and your tweet about the Tsumani are both famously controversial. I respect your commitment to your craft. Did you realize the firestorm these comments would start, and were you debating whether or not to make these jokes before you did?

No, I never debated it, I always felt like long before the internet and things like that, jokes like that would always pop up in front of people at the water cooler or riding together on the train, bad taste jokes pop up at funerals, it's part of - I've always said that tragedy and comedy are roommates. And in my Playboy article, the Apology Epidemic, I talk about it, this is how much I talk about this subject, that i am just referring people to other interviews I've done.

Was it ever weird/awkward playing Iago since so much of your material is basically the opposite of Disney?

More than a few times during the recording of Aladdin, they would stop me and say "Uh, excuse me Gilbert, this is a Disney film" when I'd start ad libbing. One time, although with me, I've even gotten in trouble when I wasn't being dirty (surprisingly), in my book I talk about it, when we were doing the Aladdin cartoon series, Iago and the princess are being chased by a tiger, and Iago yells out "He's going to eat us like Kitty Chow!" and one woman complained adamantly, to the point where we had to re-record it, she said that she was very offended when she was watching the cartoon with her children and I said "He's going to eat us like Titty Chow!" which I can only assume is something, a great treat that you feed your breasts.

A few months ago, when Seth MacFarlane was asked who he would want to cast as the lead in the film made about his life he said you, Gilbert Gottfried. So I must ask, who would you choose to star in the movie made about your life?

Well, that's too obvious, Leonardo DiCaprio. So stop asking me easy questions.

How do you and Alan Thicke actually feel about each other?

HA. Well, Alan and I did Celebrity Wife Swap together, and I didn't read the contract like I should have, so I wound up having sex with Alan Thicke for a week.

What's the craziest thing that's happened to you on the set of a movie/show?

I remember one time, during Problem Child, we were doing a scene where I do my dialogue and then the little kid Junior is supposed to come out and the doors opened up - and a very weird looking midget stepped out who was his stuntman. I basically thought "I'm asleep, and I'm having a horrible nightmare."

You're in an elevator with Betty White when she farts. What happens next?

Well, because I have such great respect for her, and admiration, I totally take the blame for the fart.

What was the joke you told that made Shecky Greene quit the Friar's Club?

It's kind of like - that joke, because it made it to the news and all over the internet as "THE JOKE" - I don't like saying it, because I feel like it will never live up to what it's become. But I was shocked when Shecky got up and left. I was shocked by two things when I heard that Shecky stood up and walked out on my set: number 1, shocked that he could stand up from a chair by himself, and two, that he could actually walk. I figure if I got that much power, imagine what I could do for Stephen Hawking.

How does Jerry Seinfeld feel about your SPOT-ON impressions of him? Did he talk to you about the voicemail you left him on the Stern show?

That was one of those great moments on Howard Stern where Howard and I pulled up his home answering machine, and we just started doing imitations of him, and I think Howard was saying I was his son, Jerry Seinfeld Junior, and I kept leaving messages on the phone until finally we heard the recorded voice say "You are all out of time."

How would you want people to come up to you if they saw you in public?

I'd like people to approach me by saying "here's a few dollars."

Gilbert, I'm a big fan. You are a famously thrifty man. I love that about you. Can you share with us a story in which you creatively saved money?

OH MY GOD. UM. LET'S SEE. SO MANY!

Hmmm. Oh god I know I have some... Hmmm. It's backfired a few times, when I've gotten products that either don't work - I mean, one time I got a radio for seventy-five cents, surprisingly it didn't have a good sound, I actually went back to the store and got my money back - and I think that's about all I can think of right now. Something else will probably pop into my head later.

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I'm still waiting to lose my virginity. Don't tell anyone!

What was your tenure like on Saturday Night Live? Did you enjoy it or was it the roller coaster nightmare that some make it out to be?

It was definitely the nightmare part, we came in right after the original cast left, and so now the cast changes in between commercial breaks, but back then it was like if in the middle of Beatlemania you said you're getting rid of John, Paul, George, and Ringo and replacing them with four other schmucks you just found. I feel like when you replace someone, you're like the sacrificial lamb. And so you shouldn't be the replacement, you should be the replacement of the replacement.

Love you on the Stern show. If you were offered the Artie chair, would you take it?

I don't want to sit in any chair Artie sits in, unless it's been disinfected.

Sometimes for fun I read random stuff in your voice in my head. Do you ever read stuff in some other person's voice in your head, like Estelle Getty?

Yes. I like to listen to my whole life in my head as James Earl Jones.

Hi, Gilbert! I'm a long-time fan of your stand-up, but I have to admit I've never seen many interviews with you answering some basic questions, so this is an awesome chance for fans like me! Thanks for you devoting some time for this!

What comedians influenced you as an up-and-comer, and what up-and-coming comedians you look forward to seeing develop over the next few years?

Well, growing up, there was still the old time great comics around like Groucho Marx and Jack Benny and Milton Berle, and then there were newer comics coming along like David Steinberg and George Carlin, a bunch of them, and all had - I hate the word "influence" because to me it's a nice way of saying "plagiarism" - but as far as newer comics, it's harder for me to laugh now at comics because now it's like listening to a comedian is like going to work on my day off.

Would you rather fight 1 horse-sized AFLAC duck or 100 AFLAC duck-sized horses?

Now I'm lying on the floor because I am so confused by this. My feeble mind can't pull all those numbers and equations together. I can't answer this question. My mind is reeling!

I've read that you are good friends with Norm Macdonald, what is the funniest moment you have shared with Norm off stage?

I can't think of any really off-hand. I remember, though, and I tweeted this picture, I once went out to dinner with Norm, Jeffrey Ross, Bob Saget and that was a fun evening. And I will also say that one time Norm offered to buy me dinner, and my phone wasn't working and I missed that opportunity and I am regretting that free dinner to this very day, so Norm, if you're reading this, you owe me.

So I saw Aladdin on Broadway. Was disappointed that you weren't Iago, and on top of that they didn't even pretend he was a bird.

So my main question is, how the hell did YOU end up in a children's movie??

That's something a lot of people are still asking. But that's a funny thing about my career: My career has always walked the tight rope between early-morning children's programming and hardcore porn.

Favorite memory of Greg Giraldo?

Greg I've worked with a bunch of times, I did a few roasts with him, and I remember - what I remember is when I heard he OD'd, they said he was in the hospital, so I called his manager up - I was backstage at the Tonight Show getting ready to do a bit - I called his manager up and said "Look, could you just relay a message to him, I hope he gets well real soon and gets back to work." And then I walked out to rehearse the bit on the Tonight Show, and one of Jay Leno's guys walks up to him and says "Did you hear Greg just died?" So I did two things: one I called the manager and said "I guess I have lousy timing." And then I immediately sent out a tweet saying "If Greg Giraldo is cremated, would that be the Greg Giraldo Roast?" which most of the people who tweeted me said they thought he would have laughed loudest at that.

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Yes. Alan, if you're out there reading this on your laptop, then yes, I banged your wife. I banged her front, back, and sideways.

Why isn't the video of your epic Aristocrats roast (from the Hugh Hefner roast) bit available anywhere? All the other roasts are. What's the story as to why it isn't available?

Well, on my Dirty Jokes DVD I do a version of The Aristocrats that people have complained was way too long and way too disgusting. So that's where I would guide you. But the Aristocrats joke (which is cut up in the film, the version that was at the Hefner Roast) - it kind of harks back to that story with Shecky Greene. I mean, it's so infamous that I would hate for it not to live up to what it's become. I heard the Smothers Brothers don't want their old TV show shown because it's built such a reputation they're afraid it won't live up to the actual build.

Gilbert, Can you tell us a good Schwarzenegger story? He obviously inspired you to get all pumped up. And How much can you lift?

Schwarzenegger quite often comes over to my house and lifts me up and down when he's working out for a new movie. Don't know much about Schwarzenegger, but the fact that he was Governor at one point I still find extremely great comedy.

What are Violent J and 2 dope from ICP like? How the hell did you end up working with them?

That was VERY WEIRD. After I did the ICP a few years later i got called for the Gathering of the Juggalos, which was a very strange experience because I was picked up at a hotel, and then I was driven down these dark roads, with no sign of life, and then all of a sudden a group of strange characters started popping up... I had a trailer where I was "where's the men's room" and they looked at me and "Well, we're in the middle of a forest" and I said "Well, I'd like to pee without a weird animal jumping up and biting my penis off" and surprisingly, when I got up onstage in front of the weirdest, stoned out crowd, they LOVED me and it was a hit show.

I was amazed by that. Because I thought - and as my agent kept warning me, that I was going to get killed at this thing, I thought "If the money's good enough, I don't mind getting killed, it's a small price to pay" - so yeah, and it was totally different from any job I'd done before, and I was - that's one of those moments, getting back to stuff I'm proud of, is that I performed at a Gathering of the Juggalos and did a hit show. Because if the Juggalos don't like you, they could turn into the Manson Family. I think the fact that they didn't kill me constitutes it as a great show. And they didn't kill me and use me as a sacrifice to Satan!

I’ve never been a big movie fan, but when I saw you on TCM recommending the movies The Swimmer (1968), Of Mice and Men (1939), Freaks (1932), and The Conversation (1974), I decided to watch them. I thought they were all fantastic. Can you recommend some more movies I might like?

Well, I thought Earnest Goes to Camp 4 was brilliantly written, and extraordinarily directed. And there's a couple of porns that I'll give you a list of. My favorite is "Not with MY face, you don't!"

Hey Gilbert, you've been in comedy for almost as long as I've been alive. I was curious what was your motivation to want to get into comedy?

I think I was too stupid to do anything else. And what always attracted me about show business is if you're stupid and you work for a grocery store, then you're just an idiot. But if you're stupid and you have the career of Johnny Depp, then you're a brilliant eccentric artist.

Mr. Gottfried, I spent my entire youth watching you on Up All Night. I would like to say thank you for introducing me to so many great and campy horror movies. I can honestly say that you have left a lasting impression on me that shaped me I to the adult that I am today.

That being said, what is your all time favorite shitty horror movie? And what was your best experience from doing Up All Night? Was there ever a time when you and Rhonda Shear were on set together?

Bonus question: Did you ever get to see her boobs?

Yes. Yes I saw her boobs. And she's standing right in front of me, right this second, showing them to me. That's what a connection we made during Up All Night, that she stops over every week, rings the door bell, I open the door up, she flashes her boobs and then leaves.

I've got a LOT of old - well, see, some of them, there are shitty horror films and then there are films that are quite tacky that I just plain enjoy, like "Tarantula!" and if you watch "Tarantula!" at the very end when they drop a bomb on the spider, a scientist has to come into the movie to explain to them "oh, you've got a giant creature? I don't know, drop a bomb on it!" and the guy flying the plane, half his face is covered up, but that guy is Clint Eastwood. So there are surprises like that. It would be good if we could show some of these movies that people have been in, I would love to do that.

Do you think you could have had the same career if you were a woman?

What makes you so sure that I'm not a woman? I dress to hide it!

Hi Gilbert,

From all your tours into Canada, how much MAPLE SYRUP have you amassed?

That's how i get paid, in Canada, is through barrels of maple syrup. And an occasional hockey stick.

And beaver pelts.

My next porn film will be called "Beaver Pelts!"

Hello Mr. Gottfried,

Do you have any sage wisdom for a young man, such as myself, who is in the process of starting a family?

Well, very important - before you start a family, is to go to my website, and get an autographed copy of my book, Rubber Balls and Liquor, and my DVD Dirty Jokes - my website is http://www.gilbertgottfried.com. It MAY not seem that important, but GOOD GOD, it IS!

And several people who have gotten married and raised healthy children have said "thank you" for this later.

If you try to start a family without going to my website and getting my book and DVD, you'll have children with an arm growing out of their forehead!

Can you tell us something about yourself that we may find surprising?

What's surprising about me is I'm a six foot four barrel-chested blond Norwegian gentleman. Yeah, that's it.

Gilbert, big fan of your work! My question is, going back to your tenure on Saturday Night Live, what would have you have done differently?

I would have gone on at a different season.

Hi Gilbert!

You have one of the most instantly recognisable voices- My question is, has your distinct voice ever hindered you or got you into trouble and if so how?

Big fan. - Thanks!

Thankfully, my voice and my sense of humor have never once gotten me in trouble, never been complained about, and have never cost me any employment.

If you had to pick your Ultimate Roast Dream Team (URDT?) who would you pick?

Uh, WOW. That's a tough one.

With me, it would be a team of people who want to attack each other and say absolutely nothing bad about me. Whenever I do a roast, I feel like I should be allowed to say the most vicious, hurtful things on other people on the dias, but if they are making fun of my shirt, they are being insensitive and cruel. So who would be on my team? That's a tough one? Maybe Hitler, and Osama, and Christ, big figures like that because I'd like to see them all pounding the table laughing, giving offended looks like they used to in the old Dean Martin roasts.

Gilbert, what is your favorite thing to put on your pizza?

My teeth. I don't know? Let's see... my favorite thing to put on my pizza is anything that's included under the list of free toppings.

why have comedians taken to podcasts in the manner they have?

I can't speak for other comedians, I mean, I still don't fully understand the podcast, I don't understand electric can openers or scotch tape dispensers. But I enjoy doing them. In my case, I enjoy doing the podcast because it's old Hollywood, old show business a lot of people have forgotten about, and I love to help keep that alive because that's the stuff I grew up with. It's like preserving history.

Wtf made you spit all over howard sterns cupcakes?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Because my kind of comedy is very subtle and very intellectual. I'm known for my maturity.

Mr Gottfried, I enjoy your podcast immensely, thank you for introducing us to the classic comedians, who would be your dream guest, alive or dead?

Well, alive or dead is an interesting question for my podcast, because my original working for it was going to be "The Before It's Too Late Show" but I decided to change that because it would be hard to go up to potential guests and say "We'd like to be on the show, because we think you might be dead tomorrow."

There's a BUNCH. I love when I find out that people who I thought were long-gone are still around! And then sometimes right in the middle of a phone call, before I finish putting in a number, I see a news story on TV that they died that minute. So you can't make much of a delay. But the older people I've gotten have been great. What I love about the podcast is that there are people who haven't worked for god-knows-how-many decades, and people will tweet me "I had no idea who this guy was, and I loved every second of it." So I like that, for these guys who are still alive, that they can still go out there and prove that they're still great at what they do. It's just like when I was a kid watching TV, and there were actors who were long-dead on old movies on TV, and I just got an education about them, how great they were. So that's what I'm happy about the podcast with.

Hey Gilbert! I absolutely loved when you used to sit in for the news on the Howard Stern Show and I think your podcast is great. You're doing a lot of "old Groucho" types of interviews and I really dig it.

One of the things I liked a lot about your later appearances on The Stern Show was the chemistry that you had with Artie Lange. The two of you have had me laughing so hard that I thought I was going to have an asthma attack. What are the odds of you having him on as a guest on your podcast?

Also, I know you're big into the old monster and sci-fi movies, so I was wondering if you could give me a quick list of some of your favorites? I started watching a lot of classic horror movies a few months ago and would be eternally grateful to hear your recommendations.

Thank you for the decades of laughs!

I would love to have Artie on my podcast, which is of course, as everyone knows, Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast, which you can hear on http://www.gilbertgottfried.com, subscribe on iTunes or on SideshowNetwork.TV - but I would have to get an assurance from Artie that he wouldn't OD or eat himself to death 5 minutes before the podcast.

Oh GOD, there are SO MANY!

Well I love all the old Universal horror films, with Karloff and Lugosi, and I love all the sequels - Frankenstein meets the Wolfman, House of Frankenstein - you have to watch them and not pay too close attention, because you can tell that the filmmakers gave up truing to make any kind of sense of out of them, they are in different countries and time periods, they had planes, I think it's in Frankenstein meets the Wolfman, they don't have electricity or lighbulbs, but one of the characters says "Tomorrow my flight is leaving." So I guess they built a special plane with a rubber-band propeller and candles on it to light. And also, we talked about that on my podcast, because Boris Karloff's daughter was on.

When I was growing up, I always said the greatest film school in the country was your television in your living room - one station would have gangster films, the other would have classic horror films, the other would have really awful horror films - and I think I enjoyed all of them equally.

I must know, will you do an entire reading of 50 shades of grey?

Well, once again, you can hear my short reading of 50 Shades on http://www.gilbertgottfried.com/

And i guess this is going to have to be my next project, to do the next version. Maybe at the last minute they'll make me narrate the entire film. And women HAVE told me, that they've never achieved an orgasm until they've heard me read "50 Shades."

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

The one that's on sale that day.

How bad did you have to pee during that one episode of Hollywood Squares?

Pretty bad. But I have to pee bad all the time.

Yeah, that was the "YOU FOOL!" episode of Hollywood Squares, where that you can also watch on http://www.gilbertgottfried.com/ where unless they got a question right that i answered, they couldn't move on, so the entire show was just me giving wrong answers, holding it, and screaming "YOU FOOL!" It was my favorite episode, because I love any show where I'm the only person on camera. And if I have to pee very badly during the show, I just do it. I don't want to interrupt my timing.

What was it like working with Eddie Murphy during Beverly Hills Cop 2?

That was a lot of fun. That was another case where both of us ignored the script and just started improvising back and forth, and each take we did was different than the one before it, and we kept making stuff up and laughing. So that was a lot of fun.

Gilbert Gottfried is doing an AmA on my birthday?! I might have to make everyone sing to me in your voice to commemorate! Big fan, your bits on the Comedy Central roasts always have me rolling with laughter and Fifty Shades of Grey was pure gold.

Question: When did your voice mature into its own? I imagine an angry Gilbert Gottfried would have been pretty intense in a high school setting

Yes, I've been speaking this way since I was a baby. And when I would cry for milk, my parents damn well knew they had to get it to me right away.

Two questions: 1) Did you ever meet Zacherley the Cool Ghoul? 2) Who do you like better – Boris Karloff or Bela Lugosi?

1) NO. I grew up watching him. But I never actually met him. And I'd like to have him on my podcast.

2) That's a tough one. HMMM. I always like Lugosi, but I interviewed Boris Karloff's daughter on my podcast & she was very nice. And I like the three, the top 3, when I was growing up in horror movies on TV - and that was Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi and Lon Chaney Jr. And to me, I enjoyed all of the equally.

Hello Mr. Gottfried, thank you for doing this AMA!

Did you enjoy doing Tales from the Crypt?

Which episode was your favorite?

Oh, I wasn't in Tales from the Crypt. I was, however, in ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? and I was in an episode, I think it was called "Radio Station 109.9" and the interesting part about that was I was working in it with a little child actor by the name of Ryan Gosling! And so what's historic about it - it was the meeting of two of the sexiest men in the WORLD.

First off thanks so much for doing this AMA it’s such a pleasure getting to hear from you. I fell in love with your style of comedy thanks to the Comedy Central Roasts and have been a fan ever since. Now on to my questions:

1) You’ve been performing stand up since you were 15 years old, how was that performing so young? Did you suck starting out? Any notable mentors to help you out? How the hell were you able to perform in comedy clubs or bars at 15?

2) You’ve been doing comedy for years. Were there any comedians that you saw when they were just starting in clubs that you were either blown away by or thought wouldn’t make it?

3) This clip from YouTube claims that your performing voice is different from your speaking voice, is there any fact to it?

4) In watching you at roasts when your not on the dias it seems that you have a fantastic sense of humor no matter if people are ripping on you or your fellow roasters, can you talk about where you got your sense of humor from?

5) My dad says that the jokes you often tell are older jokes but your delivery of them and for new audiences who might not have otherwise heard them is what makes them great, can you talk a bit about this?

6) I love Last Comic Standing and loved seeing you on the roast episode. Were the roast segments edited down from the live show? Have you heard Joe Machie’s joke about Thomas Jefferson? If you haven’t here it is.

7) Your most famous for your Aristocrats joke told the roast of Hugh Hefner after 9/11. Before that joke you made a joke about 9/11, given it was such a tragedy do you think it’s important to be able to poke fun as a form of grieving or moving on? How good of a feeling was it to have the whole room erupt with laughter following the Aristocrats joke?

1) Um, well the fact that I was allowed in a bar that serves alcohol at 15 is something I'm still planning on taking to court and having them closed down for. And as far as if I sucked then, yes, but I suck now, so at least I'm consistent. I had some mentors, they were all the ones telling me to leave the business.

2) Well, NOW, when the comedians that I've worked with like there were a lot like Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Reiser, Larry David, Bill Maher, a bunch of others, now when I've seen they've made it, I just tell them "I knew all along that they were funny, it was just a feeling I had in my gut." And I pretend I was much better friends with them then I actually was. The ones that didn't make it, I just don't talk about.

3) Yes, my actual speaking voice is more like Bing Crosby during one of his Christmas specials.

4) Um - I don't know where I actually got my sense of humor from. There are some people in the audience that still don't think I've gotten it. But yea, that's a hard thing to judge. I can say my parents because I can't think of anything else to say.

5) Well, a lot of jokes like the ones I did in my Dirty Jokes DVD are quite old, but a lot of people come up to me all the time and say, the ones who remember the jokes, say "I've heard that joke a MILLION times and I just loved the way you say it." Which is like, a great compliment. Because it's like having someone come up to you about a song you've heard by millions of singers, and then saying that you're the singer that sings it the best.

6) No, I haven't heard Joe's joke yet. Yes, for Last Comic, because they have a time restriction certainly, just one short portion of the show, and of course on network tv there are more than a few things you can't say.

7) THAT, that was a strange moment in my life, miraculous for me, at least. And they made it the center of The Aristocrats film, the documentary, where I had gone onstage and I had said - this was a few days after September 11, so the entire world, especially New York, was in shock still, so I went on, and I said "I have to leave early tonight, I have a flight to LA, I couldn't get a direct flight, we have to make a stop at the Empire State Building." After this, I got boos and hisses and one guy yelled out "Too soon!" which I thought meant I didn't take a long enough pause between the set up and the punchline. Then when I was standing there, in what felt like 200 years, I felt like I had nothing else to lose, so I'll go into the Aristocrats and take them to the bottom level of Hell.

Surprisingly, the audience just then exploded laughing and applauding and cheering. And one critic said it was like I had performed a mass tracheotomy on the crowd, and let them breathe again. To me it proved that terrorist attacks are bad taste, but incest and bestiality are perfectly good taste.

When was the last time you yelled AFLAC!!!! ?

When I've been making an insulting remark.

You showed up for Movie Night in NYC about 8 years ago and told a great story about how a VP of Geico wanted you to speak at his daughter's Jr High graduation, for free. What other fun stories do you have to share?

Well, it's so funny - whenever it's a job working for free, all of a sudden I get pushed up to the A-list, but yeah, I get asked to do a lot of strange things and a lot of strange requests. As far as strangest ones... one of the strangest ones I got was an offer to perform somewhere, they gave me the address, and I didn't see any clubs on the street, and I saw this abandoned, what looked like an abandoned factory, and that was the number they gave me. I walked inside, and in this one room that looked like a warehouse ,they had a bunch of garbage and two broken fold-out chairs there, and a man comes out of the darkness and says to me "Okay, the show starts in a half-hour, and no blue material."

I guess he and his imaginary crowd of people would be offended by my stuff?

I made up something quickly like "I'll be right back - they are having a sale on lawn mowers" to get out of there. For all I know, he's still waiting for me. This was New York, so luckily I was able to escape and get back home.

You, sir, are amazing. I am reading all of this in your voice in my head right now and cracking up. What's new? What's coming up on the horizon for you? And give Victoria a hug for me. Thanks!

Aw, well, I'm doing my podcast, that's number one, my podcast. I've got a bunch of people coming up on it, and you can hear it on http://www.gilbertgottfried.com/. And subscribe to it on iTunes, and SideshowNetwork.TV.

If you like it, leave comments.

And if you don't like it, just lead me alone.

Hello Gilbert! Love the podcast! Here's a Welcome to reddit lase I made for you! [Link] Now the question: You keep talking about the Sara Karloff interview. When are you going to put that one online?

OH GOD. I have NO IDEA. I have a bunch of interviews that I've done, and we haven't picked a date yet, but it will definitely air, maybe soon, or maybe Halloween. I haven't decided yet.

What is something you always wanted to do that you were able to accomplish?

Let's see... just getting out of bed in the morning is one. I don't know, the very fact that I sometimes, with my career, I had to remind myself constantly that I had to like, look at my bio and say "Oh, wait a second, i've actually done things in show business" and I have to remind myself that I've actually, against all odds, built a career, and I still am one of those people that I feel like show business is a party I just snuck into and one day someone is going to come over to me with a clipboard and say "I'm sorry, you're not on our guest list." Whenever I feel bad about my career, whenever I have any complaints about it, I always remember the line from Godfather 2, "this is the business we've chosen." And I also remember that of the handful of famous people that I've worked with who've made it big, for each one of them, there's a million others who were at the clubs every day who I have no idea where they are now. And I made it too, that's something I still have to remind myself.

Gilbert, you seemingly don't give a fuck about anything...is this truly the case, or just part of your comedic shtick?

Well, it's funny, when my book Rubber Balls and Liquor came out, what a lot of people said about the book who knew me said "It's very revealing, and very touching at heartwarming at times, and then it quickly veers off into immature and filthy." And i think that's like talking to me in person.

Hi Gilbert, what is your favourite animal and why is it a hedgehog?

Well, a hedgehog is NOT QUITE my favorite animal, because I haven't done the voice of a hedgehog yet, but as soon as I get paid to do the voice of a hedgehog, it will definitely be my favorite animal.

I would like to work on a cartoon of a Jewish hedgehog called "Herschel, the Hebraic Hedgehog."

Is there a celebrity that you would love to roast?

There are many. I don't have one in particular. I just like causing pain and discomfort to anybody.

How fun was it playing as Mr/Dr. Peabody in Problem Child 1, 2 and 3?

Also I can do a pretty good impression of you! :D

First of all, thank you for remembering 3! I think you're the only person besides myself who remembers that. That was fun, especially since after the first one, nobody expected it to be a success at all. So when it became such a tremendous success, and one that everybody remembers, it's really pretty amazing. The part was a lot of fun to play, because with that film like a lot of films I've been in, they let me play with it and ad-lib a lot.