Hey, it's Nick Swardson, I'm new to Reddit and just heard of the internet. But I love it. I have a fetish for cat pics. Ask me questions about my life and how I plan on stopping global warming by drinking vodka.

Tour info: https://twitter.com/NickSwardson/status/490292702341103616/photo/1

Proof: https://twitter.com/NickSwardson/status/491659289430200321

Hey, great talking to everyone. I gotta bail. Check out my tour dates and I'll see you on AMA again. Keep farting.

Comments: 1163 • Responses: 70  • Date: 

chodemonkeys1049 karma

Did your apartment neighbor REALLY think you were shooting a gay porno??

realnickswardson1315 karma

Yes. Not joking.

BitchesGonnaHate802 karma

Do you still own those skates from Reno 911? All of my favorite episodes include you in those skates and wearing short shorts.

realnickswardson1482 karma

Yeah, those were actually my skates. I still own them. They're made by Sketchers. I got them free at David Spades roller skating party.

yehhhhs635 karma

Hi Nick! Can you describe a time where you were violently too high?

realnickswardson2300 karma

Me and Zach Galifinakis ate pot cookies once and Zach's roommate got so high he started crying and we asked him what was wrong and he said he couldn't figure out how to walk down the stairs.

ZigglersHEEL452 karma

Did you ever fucking find Kelly?!

Also, sick show at Iowa State. Stay golden pony boy.

realnickswardson719 karma

No, that fucking stupid drunk whore.

Hesitating_TesticulA398 karma

Hey! I still watch Grandma's Boy and crack up at your racecar bed! That is one of the few scenes in any movie I can still watch and laugh every time :) Keep it up! One question, What's the worse heckler you've ever had to face at a comedy show? And how did you handle it?

realnickswardson728 karma

I ate hot shit once at a Def Jam club in New York. Got boo'd off the stage by a girl with gold teeth.

peter-rob-it371 karma

Nick - I sat back row at your Beggin Strips show in NYC last year. I was super high when my best friend and I won a contest to sit in the first row and meet you after (you were very ill). Naturally, in my state, I was frightened to sit front row at a comedy show and get called out. You ended up asking me what my biggest fear was - I almost vomited and didn't reply. Wanted to tell you now what it is: Being wrongfully accused and going to maximum security prison.

What's your biggest fear?

realnickswardson367 karma

That's a good one. Sorry to put you on the spot at the show haha. I was sick as fuck. Brutal. See the movie 'Felon' with my friend Steven Droff. You'll get massive anxiety.

ImAnAlbatross362 karma

Im taking a dump right now. Any tips?

realnickswardson903 karma

Stand up and do a cart wheel in the middle of it.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii339 karma

Can you please tell me how good "Diarrhea Island" would be as a movie with you and Sandler?

realnickswardson508 karma

It would sweep the Oscars.

CBeeGeeBees327 karma

How much drinking was actually going on while filming Hollywood Game Night? Stacy Karosi was a bit out of control.

realnickswardson590 karma

Me and Leah were LITERALLY shit faced. They keep bringing cocktails. It was so fun.

Pixel_Me_That256 karma

Hi Nick!

You've played a lot of insane roles over the last few years. Which character have you had the most fun with so far?

Also, do you own a monkey that you can high-five whenever you want free of charge?

realnickswardson529 karma

Terry from Reno. I own over 5,000 monkeys.

UltimotheEditor250 karma

Nicholas! i use to follow you around at Seattle's Bumbershoot when i was like 14 or 15 (about 10 years ago), you would tell everybody i was your brother, so i was able to always cut in lines and walk back stage when i wanted.
We use to email back n forth on your hotmail acct, and you said, you would send me an autographed malibu's most wanted poster, i never recieved this! do you remember this at all?

realnickswardson407 karma

Vaguely. I'm sure I sent it. It was probably intercepted by ninja's.

ballinben234 karma

Did you really get a handjob from an old Chinese prostitute in that abandoned building? And also do you still stalk Jimmy MacElroy?

realnickswardson391 karma

Yeah, the hand job story is true. Haha. And Jimmy and I don't talk. Restraining order shit.

EducatedCitizen220 karma

If you could pick one superpower what would it be?

realnickswardson871 karma

To run really fast and then do a cannon ball while sucking my own dick.

DeputyDangles240 karma

If granted this superpower, would you spit or swallow?

realnickswardson518 karma

Swallow. Duh.

sadclownbadred204 karma

Who would you rather sleep with 50 years ago, Shirley Jones or Shirley Knight?

realnickswardson570 karma

Brad Pitt

ronnie_64200 karma

Fight Club Brad or Happy Feet 2 Brad?

realnickswardson622 karma

Seven Brad. Duh

seejonesyrun202 karma

Who would you cast as yourself in a biopic about your life, and what would be the childhood trauma that motivated you?

realnickswardson613 karma

Danny Glover

johnleehookah185 karma

How effective do you think the christianmingle.com ads are that play during your show in the middle of the night on Comedy Central? When a christianmingle.com ad immediately follows the Handy Man 3000 bit, are they wasting their advertising dollar?

realnickswardson360 karma

Ha. Yes. #RIPpretendtime

onefinelookingtuna173 karma

Is there anything that fans say at you all the time that you are just sick of hearing?

realnickswardson505 karma

No. I love my fans.

TRussBrennan169 karma

Why did you never get a vine? It seemed perfect for you. Also, who is your favorite comedian today, besides yourself.

realnickswardson492 karma

I have a Vine account. I might get into it. And my favorite comic is Bill Burr.

Gallade3152 karma

Nick, as a huge Vikings fan, what did you think about their draft and the free agents they signed? Also, Adrian Peterson is doing an AMA on the 24th if you want to check it out.

realnickswardson252 karma

Draft was solid. We should start Cassel over Teddy though.

alittamnayr152 karma

Who is your biggest inspiration as an actor and comedian? Thanks!

realnickswardson237 karma

Woody Allen

HarryEllis150 karma

Are you proud of yourself for being the first to give the world the word redonkulous?

It was on David Spade's old show on Comedy Central.

I'm proud of you.

realnickswardson266 karma

Yeah, i get no credit for that. Thank you.

accidentalanchovy149 karma

Hello from Minnesota! My husband I are huge fans of your character in Just Go with It. “Dolph has zero dollars” is now an automatic response of his if prompted to pick up a tab. My question is- How much of that movie, specifically your parts, was unscripted? Thanks for the AMA!

realnickswardson201 karma

50/50 probably. I made up a lot of the Dolph stuff. Especially the rant at the dinner table with Aniston.

afterthefire1110 karma

Do you still game on Halo?

Or other games at all?

Titanfall is tiiiiiiiiiight, brah

realnickswardson411 karma

Yeah, I still game. My tag is NSwardson. My other accounts got banned from me being a lunatic. Looking forward to Destiny!!!

zjbirdwork107 karma

Are you gay?

realnickswardson427 karma

Only on week days and weekends.

brettvon90104 karma

Have you shown your watch to anyone lately?

realnickswardson328 karma

Ha. Actually no. I haven't done that in a while. Might dust off my cock this weekend and bust it out.

Shoebox_ovaries82 karma

Will you uh... smoke weed with me? I'll provide the weed... just bring a lighter man you know how easy it is to lose one.

is that really the best question i can come up with. I JUST HAPPEN TO LOOK AT RISING AND ITS AN AMA OF NICK SWARDSON.

realnickswardson160 karma

Haha. i don't smoke weed.

schrein61377 karma

Would you rather have diarrhea every time you sneezed or blow Louie Anderson every day for the rest of your life?

realnickswardson267 karma

I'd rather eat Louie Anderson's diarrhea every day.

TP_OD76 karma

As a comic who's just starting out, what's your favorite Nintendo game?

realnickswardson99 karma

Super Mario Brothers

judomonkeykyle73 karma

My two favorite roles of yours have to be Jeff from Grandma’s Boy and the Bed Bath & Beyond employee from Click, soooo hilarious!! Were those roles written specifically for you, or did you have to audition?

realnickswardson191 karma

I wrote Grandma's Boy so I wrote that part for me. And Adam Sandler threw me that part in Click. That's the first thing we did together. We couldn't get through the scene with out laughing.

TwoTinyTrees66 karma

Nick! I introduced my friends to the Gay Robot pilot, and since then we have been quoting it consistently. Will you please bring Gay Robot back in some way, perhaps another episode? Where my baby birds at?

Later, bulges.

realnickswardson124 karma

It's mind blowing that that pilot didn't get picked up. I'm done with Gay Robot. I've tried in every way to get that going.

MONKSFTW65 karma

Hey Nick Swardson, I'm a huge fan, thank you for giving us this opportunity

  • What's it like working with Adam Sandler?

  • Nicolas Cage, yay or nay?

  • Do you have any favourite off camera memories from any of your films?

Thank you again for this chance, on behalf of this AMA I'd like to commend you on your talents and wish you luck on your current and future projects

realnickswardson109 karma

  1. Adam is awesome. Really great guy. I've worked with him now for 10 years and nobody makes me laugh more on and off camera. We can never get through scenes together cause we're both immature and keep laughing. Honestly I don't get like that with anyone else.
  2. yay and nay

T-town0463 karma

Thanks for doing this, I have questions (one or two- if you'll have me), First, Any interesting experiences with fans that you'd like to share?Second, Who's your favorite comedian from the past and present?

realnickswardson103 karma

Stand up wise, Steve Martin, Chris Rock and Bill Burr

jarrettbraun46 karma

I recently drove by Space Aliens and thought of you. Just wanted to let you know we still love you back in good ol' MN.

You goin' to the fair?

realnickswardson72 karma

I'm at the State theater in Sept. Probably won't hit fair.

worstvegan46 karma

Hi Nick! Thanks for doing this Ama! First off, I'm a HUGE fan. I have two questions- What advice do you have for a new standup comic? What is the happiest thing you can think of?

realnickswardson104 karma

Do what you think is funny. And be prepared to eat shit.

acid_doors46 karma

What up Nick! Huge fan. Any plans to make a Terry spin-off?

realnickswardson193 karma

That's funny. I tried to do that when Reno ended. I wanted to do a spin off where Terry is a private investigator. Called 'Terry P.I.'. But the network didn't go for it.

kippa8139 karma

Hey Nick! Huge fan and aspiring comedian in Chicago - saw you last summer at the Vic!

Who is the funniest person you know when they're not trying to be funny or make people laugh?

ALSO - the podcast you did with Norm MacDonald is one of the funniest things I have ever listened to.

realnickswardson51 karma

Spade and Sandler

undefinedcolton38 karma

hello Nick, huge fan! and will you have a new full length special on CC this fall along with the tour?

realnickswardson76 karma

Yeah, taping in November. It'll air next year.

judomonkeykyle35 karma

Favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movie?

realnickswardson265 karma

Total Recall or 2 Girls 1 Cup.

LeadingTheParade34 karma

What upcoming roles, etc. are you most excited about?

realnickswardson56 karma

New tour and new movie 'Hell and Back'

dildocave33 karma

Do you find it difficult to stay in character on screen for a hilariously creepy role like Hector in Blades of Glory?

realnickswardson43 karma

Yeah, I just a role in Pixel's coming out next year. It was a quick piece but intense. I had to cry on camera.

esmoore328 karma

You're part of the Comedy Central standup/sketch comedy shows (you, Dave Chappelle, Demetri Martin, Amy Schumer, Key & Peele, etc.). Do you think that formula is being done to death?

realnickswardson96 karma

No, cause everyone has their point of view. All those shows are different.

thee_cosmic_owl27 karma

Should I be concerned if I feel satisfied after watching Buck Larson?

realnickswardson73 karma

No. It's cinematic history.

Call_Me_Jimmy26 karma

Hey Nick, big fan!

I first remember seeing you play a crazy Bowie fan in Almost Famous and then again as crazy figure skating fan in Blades Of Glory and just really out there crazy in Benchwarmers. What's up with that? Are you the go to guy for playing insane characters? How do you prepare yourself for those kind of roles?

Also when will you do a new comedy special??? The Seriously, Who Farted one was funny as shit so i hope you have plans for a new one in the future.

realnickswardson39 karma

New special called 'Taste It' next year. Taping in November.

paulisnofun22 karma

How many push ups can you do?

realnickswardson95 karma

I do about 3 a year.

LilCaesar22 karma

EXPELLED FROM HIGHSCHOOL!! What did you do Nick?

realnickswardson54 karma

4 times.

Grundle_Poacher22 karma

Do you have any improv background? Who was the easiest to make break in Reno 911 when you were rattling off Terry-isms?

realnickswardson30 karma

Yeah, started in theater than improv then stand up. That's a tough call. Carlos and Tom probably.

monkeymech21 karma

What was your favorite Pretend Time sketch? Also whats the best cure for diarrhea?

realnickswardson61 karma

Suck Your Own Dick Abs. Can't believe it made it to air. That sketch was insane.

jazdz01020 karma

Have you ever thought about doing a show in Duluth?

realnickswardson59 karma

Yeah.

jeanshanchik16 karma

As a person who has you saying "I don't like this" as my texting notification, it's pretty clear I think you're one of the funniest out there. Please, tell me, when are you coming to NJ?

realnickswardson25 karma

Check tour dates on the link.

CrowSpine15 karma

Hi Nick! You're one of my favorite comedians of all time, what was the most fun show that you've done, and are you planning on doing any more movies/TV shows any time soon? Thank you so much for doing this AMA btw. =D

realnickswardson76 karma

New movie coming out called 'Hell and Back'. Also developing a new TV show on Comedy Central with the director of Grandma's Boy with Danny McBride producing.

ayellellwhyesesay15 karma

First of all, thank you so much for doing this AMA. You are my favorite comedian/actor and have been for years so I was excited to get the chance to ask you a question!

  1. When did you decide to commit to the dream of being a stand up comedian?
  2. If you were not acting and doing stand up, where would you be right now and what would you be doing?
  3. Can we ever expect anything like Pretend Time again? I miss that show, and it's no longer on netflix.

PS I'm glad you enjoyed this picture I took of you at California University! I hope to continue seeing your name in movies and would love the chance to see you live again!

realnickswardson26 karma

  1. The second I got off stage for the first time I knew that's what my life was about. It was instant. Other comics have told me that too. It's not something you dabble in. It's a part of you.
  2. I'd be a brain surgeon
  3. Developing a new show now. Not a sketch show though.

lapekes13 karma

Do you get pissed when people constantly ask if you are gay.. or not?

realnickswardson76 karma

No. I think it's funny. I should start being gay.

ElegantScrotum12 karma

Hey Nick, do you participate in drugs? What are your favorite drugs to participate in?

realnickswardson22 karma

I don't do drugs. Just drink.

blonders112 karma

Thinking about the monkey high 5 story has gotten me through some tough times, and for that I thank you.

How often do you have to break out the kicks that you showed in 30 minutes or less?

realnickswardson38 karma

Your welcome and the kicks get busted out about 10 times a day. I live in a very rough hasidic jewish neighborhood.

Asl4710 karma

Can I send you a box of shit for your birthday?

realnickswardson15 karma

PLEASE!! Wrap it in dick sweat.

Boo_X7 karma

1) Favourite beer, bro? 2) Would you ever do a stand-up show in Ireland? It'd be great to see you here!

Love your work! Thanks so much!

realnickswardson13 karma

1) I'm a vodka man 2) I'd love to come to Ireland.

Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo7 karma

What was your favorite memory of filming reno911?

realnickswardson18 karma

Too many. That show was a blast. 100% unscripted. Every day at work we had no fucking idea what was going to go down.

marantos6 karma

Is being famous fun or does it get old?

realnickswardson18 karma

It's fun. It gets weird cause I don't think of myself as famous so when people stare at me I get creeped out. Haha. Not that I'm hugely famous but enough I guess.

sigrid26 karma

How often do you come up to the Cities ? My friend got a pic with you at a twins game or some shit. I live in WI just thought I would ask fucker

realnickswardson7 karma

twice a year

yokelwombat6 karma

How nervous were you doing Almost Famous? We should totally smoke drugs and listen to Bowie some day...

realnickswardson19 karma

I was nervous and flattered. Cameron Crowe was someone I worship. He put me in that role cause he thought I was funny. It was even in the script. That role, albeit brief, kept my confidence going in Hollywood for years cause he believed in me.

Mangino8MyBaby5 karma

Respect for your love of Minnesota sports. Can you ball? When Kevin Love leaves Minnesota you gonna fill that spot in the paint?

realnickswardson24 karma

Yeah, I play shooting guard. Kevin is a power forward so I'd have to get surgery on my body to fill that role.

jthomp7134 karma

Pepsi or Coke?

realnickswardson29 karma

Coke. Not even a question.

originalzombiekiwi3 karma

Meth cupcakes or pot brownies. Also, how much fun did you have with Pretend Time and what was your favorite moment?

realnickswardson9 karma

Pretend Time was a lot of work. Fun. But a lot of work. Way more than I antisipated. Bob Odenkirk told me before I started that I'm going to hate doing a sketch show after one season. He was write. He created Mr. Show and wrote on SNL.

markywater3 karma

You are my comedic HERO! Whats the worst thing that has happened to you on stage?

realnickswardson16 karma

I shit my pants and then ate the feces for no good reason.

gandalfsnutsack3 karma

Where's the best pho?

realnickswardson14 karma

Oh Pho You Didn't

heartpuppiez2 karma

Hey, Nicholas! I sent you my blood!! Did you get my blood?! My question is the following: When did you first realize you were funny? Was it as a child?

realnickswardson7 karma

Yeah. I used my sense of humor to get by in life. I was small and went to tough schools. It got me out of getting my ass kicked.