Hi, I'm rob. I wrote ANIMAL FRIENDS: FLOATING ORANGE CUBES. 6 copies sold worldwide. AMA

my name is rob also. upvoted.

EDIT holy shit. almost 2,000 upvotes for stating my name? damn.

Your username... I... we need to be friends.

you're probably in your 30's. Im only 16. whispers"we'll make this work""

WE'RE GUNA MAKE IT AFTERALLLLLLLLLL

There's no way he gets that reference.

corn on the rob knows all

He's gonna need to learn some Moore.

More more moore

in the midnight hour

I can feeel your power

How do you like it?

How do you like it?

I just wanted to say that I purchased the kindle edition and the people at work tomorrow are going to get a dramatic reading from it.

holy shit! thanks. hey can... can you make a video of that happening? That would be maaad!

Yeah I should be able to do that for you. Ill send you a youtube link of it when i get it done.

This is fucking excellent :) I can't wait!!!

And just so that there is a question in this, in april I'm going to Australia (Melbourne and then Sydney) for 3 weeks, what the fuck should I do there since I haven't been in 12 years.

Sydney... Red Oak Boutique Beer Cafe is cool... PLUS the aquarium. fuckn love aquariums... you can snorkel places too... look me up. I'll take you...

You are super friendly! I cant work out if it's creepy or not.

Defs creepy. Brb. Browsing your submitted history :P

:) You're gonna be sorely disappointed.

No no. wana be friends and stuff? :)

Can.... Can you take my girlfriend and me to the aquarium?

Shes been wanting to go for ages but Im too much of a disorganised anus.

You may think I am joking here, but I will 100% do this. we talkin Syd?

"Maaaaaaad" is this a common saying between Aussies? I only ask because I have seen way to many MightyCarMods videos...

I think it is. I only know a handful of Aussies... Also, what is MightyCarMods? car show?

What in the world is going on in this thread? It's like everyone popped a ton of molly before hand.

What does 'ton of molly' mean? :)

Like a bunch of X.

brb. googling 'bunch of X'

As in copious amounts of MDMA.

This is a happy place.

and also, this is

Amazon says your book is in stock but requires one or day extra days to process. Are you drawing each one as it is ordered? Jk, it must be a lot of work to get to this point and I applaud you!

Hehe, nah I don't draw any of it. Some company in Melbourne is managing it. I don't know... But I will say, all artwork was done by the kids at St Dominic's school for hearing impaired kids... some cool art

That's pretty fucked up you're taking advantage of retarded kids to draw your books in some weird Dominican labor factory.

well, I am a bastard :/

You are Jon Snow?

I wish I was that handsome motherfucker... sadly no... I'm rob

I wouldn't attend any weddings...

Edit: seriously people? Spoiler complaints? The book has been out for 14 years and the series has covered the event now. Get over it.

Edit#2: For the record you would have needed prior knowledge for my innocuous comment to spoil anything.

I know. I try.

The floating orange cubes send their regards.

Haha :) I don't know why, but this made me piss myself laughing :D

Well I mean that's still cool. You seem like a pretty nice guy judging from this AMA.

I wonder if we get enough people summoning /u/Here_Comes_The_King Snoop would rap your book for us?

Do it Snoop! Do it for the people!

/u/Here_Comes_The_King you have my blessings 100% to rap any of my stories ANYTIME... Here's one I made that rhymes if that helps

Little Baby Noah

Written by Rob Towner. For Noah, Christian & Dani.

What does little Noah dream about when he falls to sleep at night? Does he dream of little baby fish, trying to snatch a bite?

And about those little fishies that are swimming in the sea, do they dream of what it would be like to live on land with you and me?

Does the land even know that we exist? Can it feel us in its hand? Do mountains that have stood forever miss their old dinosaur friends?

When these mountains fall and crumble, what noises do they make? Do they scream ‘Aaaaarrrrghhh help I’m falling!’ or do they simply laugh and shake?

And when the mountains which turns to boulders which turns to rocks which turns sand, finally end up at the beach do they go surfing and get a tan?

Does the sand on the beach get ticklish when it squishes between our toes? Would it rather be living in a desert, where hardly anybody goes?

When a fire burns out its last little spark, does it actually say ‘Goodbye’? Does the smoke coming out of the chimney, become friends with the clouds in the sky?

Does the moon in the sky wear pyjamas when it goes to sleep at night? Or does it stay awake watching little baby fish trying to take a bite?

Or does the moon do something else, without even making a peep? Indeed he does, he watches over Christian and Dani, rocking little Noah to sleep.

This is really good. Like Little Golden Books good.

That's fucking good!

Nobody said Dominican.

I didn't... did anyone else? :o

Your book has only sold 6 copies and it has got 3 reviews on Amazon.

Are the reviewers on Amazon your friends or your family who just bought the book to show their support ?

They are. So really... I should say... ZERO copies sold to people I don't know...

and two of those people seem to want to sell it, there are two "used, like new" listings.

shame on you robs friends

yeh, fuck them :) actually might even be the distributor just trying to get rid of copies... like a $2 bin of books...

Just letting you know.. Assuming NO ONE else has purchased your book... You have now sold one to someone you don't know. My copy should arrive on the 27th :)

Holy fucking shit thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who are you? I want to know you!

Just a guy on the internet from the great city of Chicago in the United States. :)

Batman?

Proof of purchase :p

I don't have the balls to be batman. But I'll happily read your book :)

woah fuck me. that is nuts... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eUv1j1pjpc

It's probably bots. Especially with the price just a bit higher, they probably just order the books on-demand if someone buys it.

That would be more likely yes...

side note: if anyone would like to play me in chess, I use CHESS TIME PRO app on Android (it's pretty cool) and my username is robtowner. Look me up. Lets do it! :D

Oh I get it. This is all a setup to publicize the chess app.

Nice try, "unsuccessful author", but you're gonna hafta get up PRIT-TY EARLY in the afternoon to fool ME

haha. there's a free version... I just like playing chess is all... also, I have no friends..

Cheer up! Even hitler had friends.

Fuckn hitler

brb, fucking hitler

aren't we all?

Hi my name's Jake. I'm canadian and I'm your new friend.

Want to watch the swedes get their asses whooped at hockey in a few hours?

I am definitely staying up to watch this! Fuck yeh! GO CANADA EY!

YES!!! This is the best. Converted another one! We can IM during the game if you'd like

ok. lock me in. what time exactly??

Well, I don't play chess (im awful) but since you seem desperate we can snapshot I guess.

what is this 'snapshot' you speak of?

His snapchat knockoff. Trying to get publicity.

typical /u/HungryLikeThaWolf

Give me your best sales pitch on why I should buy this book. Also, you seem like an awesome person. Even though it's pretty small, this is one of the more enjoyable AMAs I've read.

If you buy this book (And this applies to anyone who buys a physical copy of this book and sends me picture proof of this happening), I will make a personal thank you video from me to you and post it on YouTube... You don't have to buy this book. But I will say this... This book is my Magna Carta... I poured my soul in to making this story happen and it sucked EVERYTHING out of me... Every word, premise, and idea was carefully though out and expresses everything in who I am as a person... I am a weird, complex person... but yet, I am a simple person too... I BELIEVE... This book expresses ME as a person...

You just got yourself another sale.

Woah shit. Thanks man. Thank you from the absolute depths of my soul!

You're welcome! Wish you all the best!

You too man. I am in your debt if you ever need anything.

Just wanted to say you seem like a pretty awesome person, make sure you make a post with links to all the Youtube videos people make!

Shit that would be rad if people actually do make videos! :D

This is the most humble AMA I've ever read. Reddit, your respect for this man has made my day.

/u/lithiumenergy. your words are both gracious and gentlemanly. you honour me. I shall one day like to be toasting a frosty beverage with you.

One of the greatest AMAs I've read through. You're an awesome dude! I will pick up a copy of your book once I get paid. You can count on it.

Wow. shit. thank you very much :) Where are you in the world?

With all this success, do you find your life changing.

Like are you able to order McDoubles at McDonalds now instead of just a normal burger?

haha. iv moved up in the world. I only go to McCafe now...

After the AMA, how many have you sold?

I will let you know... someone just told me they grabbed a kindle version, so... pretty stoked about that...

Fastest reply ever. So 7 sold?

1 to a stranger :D

Thats a 4.99$ profit!

HAHA! :) really properly laughing right now

Wait until you do the math and figure out your hourly rate...

Oh God Why

So what do you plan on doing with the money?

giving it all away... ps. I don't do this for money... and am still epicly in the red for my troubles :)

Why did you do it then? I mean, publish the book and all.

I like telling stories is all...

Favourite kind of cheese?

Blue cheese. Cheese and mould just go together so beautifully... I also love cheese cake.

First time in my life that someone has replied to my comment on an AMA

http://www.livememe.com/cjhltsx

Well you're not that unnoticed. You did an AMA a year ago and that got a lot of interest.

Yeh. You'd think that :/

What? Our great big are Reddit family didn't support you?

oh no. you guys did. you guys did indeed! what I mean is... take a sample of say 10,000 people in Australia... one question: Do you know this guy? results: no one...

XD

comment inception

But Rob, isn't cheese a mold in itself?

:0

hmm.. its called mold, not mould. also cheese cake is made with cream cheese, which really isn't a cheese at all. you might want to do a little more research for your next book or cheeses. this advice is coming from a chef with a drunk 5th graders vocabulary.

http://i.imgur.com/IdlGFss.jpg

i get it, its all a joke. this 5th grader is getting back to drinking cheers!

Have you tried smoking cigarettes? :D they're awesome

the cool kids in the ally have some. ill ask them.

they sound cool

You've got a great sense of humour! Steve Jobs returned from the grave today and helped me launch ANIMAL FRIENDS: FLOATING ORANGE CUBES to the apple ibookstore this week

Thank you Shartina. Where are you from? Could I interest you in a game of chess? (chess time multiplayer app on android... my username: robtowner)

I'm from Winnipeg, Canada, but have lived near San Francisco since 1994. Sorry, I'm not a chess player. Or an online player of anything at all.

How would I be able to order an autographed copy of your new book? :D

PM your deets. I'll get you one if you video yourself reading it and jumping for joy :D Who did you go for in the Canada V USA hockey game in the Winter Olympics????????????????

Canada all the way!!! My oldest son is going to tape tomorrows game, because it's happening at 4 a.m. here. I'm going to head over to his place at 10 and we'll watch it together, fast forwarding through the intermissions. Go Canada go!!!

hehe, I would fervently support your plight... but since I am Australian...

http://i.imgur.com/qX5DYG4.jpg

Support the Commonwealth!

I will do this

Do you like trains?

I love trains... when I travel on them, I pretend I am travelling to Hogwarts

Bro, chess...is on.

Challenge accepted :)

Alright, no getting out of this one, you have to marry a male celebrity (not necessarily have to consummate the marriage, your decision). You must stay in this marriage for 5 years, after which you receive 10 million dollars. You can not decide not to do this or choose death; neither is an option. Which male celebrity would you have a bromance? How would you spend the money? Would you remain friends after the divorce or cry in the shower where people can't hear you?

easy. Leonardo DiCaprio. I would do that anyway. Dudes a legend. 10/10 would consumate... Afterwards, I divide the money up between my family members and go to fiji...

Titanic Leo, or Wolf of Wall street Leo? You said your safe word is Wolfy. Might get messy.

Either would be acceptable

Oh. My. God. I would just like to say that you are my favourite author. JK Rowling is a piss-stain compared to your level of literature. Is there any way you could share your secret? Or could I at least get a copy of your bestseller signed? THANK YOU!

I don't even care that you're joking... That made me feel all types of nawws. Thank you /u/GrandmaTaco. You have made me smile :) I will share my secret with you... And that secret is... Tear shit up.

I actually only just read the Amazon link. Is it true that it is illustrated by hearing-impared children? If so, keep up the awesome work!

It is indeed. Was so much fun getting the kids involved. There are some scenes that I needed illustrated that had animals pooing on other animals... the kids really dug drawing those ones :) lesson: kids love poo in stories

That is Fucking awesome. You said I put a smile on your face, now you have put one on mine.

The way humanity should be

[deleted]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRQ_k0cyNtM

I almost need this in my collection.

Almost counts right? :)

Most def does, how much would you charge for a signed copy sent all the way to Norway?

PM me your address. If you make a YouTube video of you reading it, pretending to be all excited and shit, you can have it for free :)

No really, I'll fucking do it.

Obviously you'll have to sign it to your very best friend, since we're best friends now, right?

I'll add you to my friends list on reddit, so yes - we are.

Also, gold.

I will sign it...

"To my fucking amazingest best friend in the universe."

Wait, GOLD?

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH

AND DONE!

Next time you're in Norway a beer is on me.

You'll thank me when you realize how expensive beer is up here.

You know what... I might even be there in a few months to take you up on that :)

Do it, will be amazeballs!

10/10 happening

What's your book about?

These birds attack a village of Cicadas (For no reason... just being the dicks that they are) and then, the Cicadas travel through a television screen somehow, and come out the other side falling from the sky and shit all over said birds... There's a bit of a struggle for territory scenario happening for while, indicative of what many cultures have experienced through history... Then there is peace... or is there?? read to find out :D

/r/BirdsBeingDicks

You're welcome! :D

haha. fuckn birds. thank you for this. I will now become a subscriber and enjoy hours of laughs thanks to you /r/Fluffy017

You just linked to the subreddit Fluffy017 NOT to the user. You damn fool, Rob.

fuck. I am such a dickhead :/

Like, literally shit on them? How do you translate this to childrens book?

through the magic of words :D I don't know... that was just the tl;dr of the book...

marry fuck kill. go.

justin bieber, chris brown, mel gibson

marry mel gibson (I love his movies)... fuck justin bieber (Mel's guna be so mad)... kill chris brown (so he doesn't beat me to death first)

interesting choice. do you fear mel gibson would be an abusive lover? and would justin be gentle or rough?

Any man with the name Mel would be a gentle lover... Justin... he won't get a say in the level of roughness...

(´･_･`)

Don't hate the player hate the game :p

I don't have a question, I'd just like to say that the description of your book was adorable. It made my day 100 times better.

Thank you kind sir... Can I ask you a question? What food (that many people NEVER puree), should everyone puree?

Pizza. Definitely pizza.

with which topping may I ask? (this is very important)

What is your favourite movie of all time?

This is an easy one. THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. Favourite scene probs when Andy Dufresne listens to the music with the doors locked, not giving ANY fucks... What about you man? Wait... your username... are we pals already???

That depends on where you know the username from and sure why not!

I love Shawshank, an amazing movie and that's my favourite scene from it too!

Mine is Star Wars: A new hope. Loved it since I was a kid and hasn't changed since!

second favourite scene...

Man feels more like a man, working out-doors drinking a bottle of suds.

Just wanted to say hi to a Fellow Australian. Hi!

hey, what's doooing? u in NSW? we should bust one :D

Im Australian and I am in NSW, and it is my cakeday today but because reddit is american its behind in time and I dont see a cake icon next to my name yet.

EDIT: Never mind the cake has arrived

I SEE IT I SEE IT! HAPPY CAKE DAY FRIEND! Where in NSW. I'm here too man. We should have a beverage of some sorts

Wagga Wagga so far from any city lol

I'm in Newcastle. ROAD TRIP! :D

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

as much wood as a woodchuck could

If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

;)

What is your safe word?

Wolfy

I remember hearing a radio production jingle about this. Amazing the shit that I can remember...

Hehe, shit indeed :) It's on my youtube channel if you wana see it :D

Do you have a day job? What is it? Also, tell us your best non-generic joke.

Yeh. I work in digital marketing... 9 to 5 type deal... ends up usually being 8 to 6 or 7 :/ How do you catch a rabbit? lay real low in the grass and make noises like a carrot... gets me everytime... even when I was just writing it right now :)

What is it that makes Australia such an awesome country?

I love this country because: Health care is pretty sweet, there are no major wars going on, the sports are great, you can go surfing in almost every town, and basically everyone is someone I'd like to have a beer with. You should come say gday :)

Favorite kind of jam?

There could be only one answer

I know that there's nearly zero chance of you seeing this comment, but you seem like the nicest guy ever. I really wish the best for you and your writing, the world needs more people like you...have a nice day!

saw it. thank you. that is way too kind. I would indeed respond with this /u/Tatsko... THE WORLD NEEDS MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU!

Got any cool plans this upcoming week?

Guna be working mainly. But huge week this week. Huge week. First episode of the new season of Survivor is happening. I fucking love that shit. So, there's that... How about you /u/canitouchyourtouchie?? where do you live and such? what do you do?

What is your top three videogames

ok. the ones I have spent the most time playing in order of longest to shortest (they also happen to be my favourite)...

1. Mario Kart 64 (64)

2. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (3DS)

3. Golden Eye (64)

Coming in close 4th... The new Zelda game... A Link Between Worlds...

Coming in close 5th The Futurama game on PS2...

How about you???

Sup rob? What are you thinking about? If I don't get an answer I'm gonna be so mad

I'm on the couch with my laptop... Survivor: Gabon rerun on the tv... I'm thinking about the tacos I had for dinner. lishuss. What are YOU thinking about /u/jacqui_ ??

Any other upcoming book ideas? Who is your favorite band?

The next book is going to be about an invisible Oyster from outer space who solves peoples problems by squeezing various items out of his eye..

My favourite band in the entire fucking world is HE IS LEGEND. They have a new song out. You should check it out!!!

Hi rob! Do you know about cryptocurrencies like bitcoin or dogecoin? Would you consider accepting dogecoin for your books?

I accept Bitcoins on my website :) google 'Kids Author' to find me... there's 2 books in my Bitcoin Only book store :)

Hi rob. Just wondering why your name isn't capitalised?

I consider myself a sub-human... not as important as other rob's. you dig? :)

My name is Rob too!

^{well acutally its robert}

that fucken counts man! [place fist here]

yo can i get a free copy

PM me your address. I'll buy you one if you post a video of you reading it to YouTube. And in the video you need to act all excited and shit. Deal?