I am the husband to Rachelle Friedman/ Chapman aka the "paralyzed bride" who became a quadriplegic 4 weeks before our wedding AMA

Sorry if this sounds insensitive but I'm genuinely curious: how does sex work, if it does at all?

Yes, it does still work. The most complicated part is the logistics. Things can't happen as spontaneously as they used to. Positioning is definitely one of the biggest issues. She has a catheter bag as well and we just have to make sure that it doesn't interfere in any way. Through my experiences with quads I have definitely learned that every injury is different but in Rach's case we are fortunate that her body does still have some sexual response.

Somewhat related: Do you have the ability to have kids? If so, do you plan to?

At this time we have no reason to believe that we can't have kids and we do plan to in the future. After talking with doctors we learned that it would be considered a high risk pregnancy, just meaning that she would have to have quite a few extra check-ups and be admitted into the hospital a bit earlier around the time of delivery to be closely monitored since she would have difficulty feeling contractions and things like that.

Any hostility over her friend pushing her in the pool?

I have no hostility to the friend that pushed her in the pool. At first I didn't even know she had been pushed. I just knew it was a pool accident. At the time I was so confused and was just trying to wrap my head around the situation. When I later learned she had been pushed, that was an unfortunate peeve of information to get but it didn't change my mood. I simply felt sad and concerned. But never felt blame or hostility. I already knew the person and we were good friends. I knew it was an accident

I'm never pushing someone into a pool again

Good plan

Unless there is a helicopter gunship flying above us, spraying our party with bullets.

Well in that case of course

What do you do for a living? Are you a full time caretaker for your wife?

I do not normally do caregiving during the day. I am a middle school science teacher. Her mom helps out during the day

Chris, I have been following Rachelle on FB since I read her AMA. I was blown away by her positive attitude. The fact that she not only doesn't blame her friend that pushed her in but feels bad for the friend for having to live with that guilt just says so much about her as a person.

I guess the only question I have is are you ever overwhelmed with the care you have to provide? I suffer from RA and I have to lean on my husband for quite a lot now and it has changed the dynamic in our relationship. Did you find it changed a lot in how you both relate to each other? I know my husband treats me so much more gently now and he doesn't have to be asked to help me, he knows my limitations and steps up to the plate. I can't tell you how much that means to someone who is suffering with a disease or disability, to have someone there who understands and genuinely cares. (I hope it does not sound like I am comparing my RA with what Rachelle is going through, just sharing my experience!) Now, while my husband has definitely stepped up to the plate I know it can also be overwhelming for him. Sometimes you don't feel like doing something but your partner needs the help. I'd love some insight into how that works for you, and what it feels like to be in that position.

Yes it can definitely be overwhelming at times but I think life itself can be overwhelming at times. I tend to be kind of high strung in general whether its about money, work or anything else, but Rach is the most level headed person I know and always helps to calm me down. The dynamics of the relationship have definitely changed some but it has to do with how we have new roles. Not about how we feel about each other. Thank you for following her on fb too.

Have you had a moment of weakness where you wanted to run? What happened to get you to that point?

What have been the gifts that came out of this change for you two?

I think it's impossible not to have a moment of weakness when faced with extremely difficult times. I honestly never considered running away but in my hardest times I did just want to get away for a while and be alone. When the accident happened we were constantly surrounded by family and friends and sometimes finding privacy and solitude was an issue.

Did it ever cross your mind to call off the wedding?

We never considered calling off the wedding. We did postpone it for a year to figure out things like insurance and finances.

A few years ago, NBC had a TV show called "Breakthrough" with Tony Robbins. I watched what I think was the first episode and it was about a couple who got married and on the honeymoon, the husband dived in the pool and hit his head on the bottom paralyzing him.

The result was the wife feeling more like a nurse to him than a wife. On the show, Tony showed them how he could maintain his independence and she didn't need to do everything for him. It was a very touching show.

Did you happen to see this? Unfortunately, the show was canceled after a couple of episodes but this has always stuck with me as an inspirational thought.

No I never saw the show but it sounds like it would provide interesting insight into how a couple adapts and works together to cope with a similar situation. Rachelle is able to do more than what people think as well.

I can't imagine that this thread is going to be easy, since most of us are wondering what kind of sacrifices you've had to make in order to make this all work. The truth is I think what your'e doing is great but I am genuinely curious how you have learned to cope with the idea that the life you had planned is gone. What (if you have them) are your new life goals? What's your favorite meal?

Her paralysis doesn't really hinder any of the "life goals" i had before. I still hope to raise a family, I hope to do a lot of traveling, and pursue golf and fly-fishing.

That's great to hear. Sorry if you've answered this elsewhere, but how do you plan on having children? Surrogate? Adoption?

She can still have kids in we definitely plan to

She can still have kids in we definitely plan to

I don't know if you mean travelling with her or what, but traveling can be extremely hard for quads. My brother has been a quad for over 20 years and I was his caregiver for many years. He hardly ever travels. There is a long list of reasons, but the main one is that flying is just horribly inconvenient and he gets serious AD (autonomic dysreflexia) from the airplane seats. Driving is no more convenient or conducive to quelling the AD. One of the easiest on his body, his stress -- and the stress the situation will inevitably put on others -- is taking cruises. They're usually very accommodating and he always has a room set-up for the duration of the trip. As opposed to having to make due at every hotel you get to, you have your mattress, catheters, sliding board and whatever else you need all in one spot and ready to go.

I'm not trying to bum you out further, but these are things you will have to consider when planning to travel. Every quad's situation varies, and you'll have to take these things into account, but you will have to learn a lot as you go as well.

Also, I would recommend travelling as much as possible as soon as you can. The older he got the worse it would be for him.

I wish you guys the best, it will be hard and definitely stressful on you, but that's life, right?

So, after all of that I have no question... well that last thing was technically a question, but a rhetorical one.

Oh, I have one: What kind of mobility does she have? My brother can use his arms but has no muscle growth or movement with his fingers. Also, if she has movement, are you guys gonna get a converted van that she is able to drive? My brother got a new one a few years ago that is pretty badass. The ability to drive definitely helps alleviate some the "trapped" feeling.

We have definitely travelled together for her rehab, to media appearances, and every year to see family. It's actually pretty easy in my opinion. She doesn't get AD from traveling. I plop her on the plane and we are good.

She can't move her fingers and has very weak triceps. We have a van and she can drive. Though she's still apprehensive about driving such a large vehicle

That's great! The AD can be really bad for certain people.

I didn't realize this happened so long ago. I thought it happened to you guys rather recently and assumed you were new to the whole situation.But it seems you've transitioned well.

Doing our best! It was almost 3 years ago

How does this effect your every day life?

Rachelles injury has affected every aspect of our everyday life. Nothing has changed about the way we feel for each other but everything about our daily routine has to center around the injury. From how we get up in the morning, to her medicine schedule to the amount of time it takes to get ready or shower to our nighttime routine of putting her to bed. Everything we do may take a little more time but we always try and minimize the caregiving and try to concentrate on having fun during our time together

with the number of spinal injuries being cured with stem cell research in labs, are you in touch with anyone regarding possible human testing for your wife? or are you 2 even interested in doing such a thing if you had the opportunity?

With all the new technology and science going on we've definitely looked at what's going on in the field of research but it can be very scary and we know of no "cure" yet although there have been many advancements and in some cases people have regained varying degrees of function.

What are your thoughts on possible stem cell treatments?

I'm all for the research and hopefully they find a cure

Chris, you and Rachelle are truly an inspiration to all with how you've made the most of the accident and support eachother through this. What has changed for the better since this has happened? Also, what are a few challenges you might have not expected? Thanks! - Scott

I feel Our families have gotten a whole lot closer than most and we've bonded over the hard times of the injury, We've had an opportunity to meet a whole society of people I never would have encountered. She plays wheelchair rugby and I'm a traveling referee. Since the beginning we've always taken everything one day at a time. The first thing people think of is that she can't walk. Honestly that was the first and only concern we had but later discovered there was a whole world of things that would have a greater affect on our lives. Things like not being able to use her hands, bladder and bowel, insurance/financial issues, skin issues etc

Wait is she a Paraplegic or quadriplegic, I have trouble imagining a quadriplegic playing wheelchair rugby, because well that means she can't use both her arms and legs. You mention she can't use her hands? Not trying to be rude just clarification, either way she's a badass women to take it in strides and you're lucky to have eachother, i wish you both the best!

A quadriplegic is not nearly paralyzed from the neck down the it just means she has impairment in 4 limbs. Most people at her level have no finger function or triceps. In fact it is possible to have a walking quad

What was the biggest thing for you personally to adjust to?

Being so busy. Honestly our lives are a lot more busy now. We're always on the go.

Do you guys have any hobbies that you do together?

Rachelle and I are getting into cycling together. This was the first activity we learned about in rehab that we could do together. We just finished Cycle to the Sea a fundraising bike ride from Charlotte to North Myrtle Beach. Rachelle was able to do 40 miles YAY!!! while I did the full 180. We also do wheelchair rugby together in that she plays for the local team and I referee all over the east coast.

how exactly does a quadriplegic ride a bike or play rugbee...

A quadriplegic is not necessarily paralyzed from the neck down It just means she has impairment and all four limbs. Rachel has no finger function or triceps but she has strong biceps and shoulder muscles. In fact only quads are allowed to play rugby. It's also called quad rugby

Wheelchair Rugby is an amazingly rough sport. MTV did a great documentary about it named "Murderball". trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kaT5dDiISw

Her favorite movie

How does she push the chair wheels without functioning triceps?

It's mostly a bicep and shoulder move. Many other quads do it.

That's awesome!

When I read "quadriplegic" I assumed she then didn't have control of her arms. In order to cycle, though, it sounds like she would have to. Is it a reduced or weakened control, and/or has she been able to re gain some arm function?

A quad has impairment in all 4 limbs. It's not all or nothing. She did not gain any new function but she did get a lot stronger

i read this and was like GAA!!! as a female Rugger it makes me so happy that wheelchair rugby exists! I play for the Pittsburgh Angles, I'm gonna look you guys up and see if the team can go catch a game, that's really so inspiring, love it!

I'm a referee so I'm all over the place. We both love the sport it has had so many positive impacts on our lives

How do you feel you are treated by the public? Do you get a lot of stares or do people tend to be more understanding and helpful? Also, what is the best thing the average guy can do when he sees a disabled person? I work in pharmacy and sometimes wonder if I'm making a fool of myself by being a little "too helpful".

We get all kinds of different reactions from the public. I think the most annoying to Rachelle is when someone jumps out of the way or pulls their kids way out of the way. You wouldn't do that if someone were walking by why for someone in a wheelchair that's passing by. It should just be passing as usual and if more room is needed it's nothing a good old "excuse me" can't handle. The most common people that stair are children. Rach and I actually like that we're glad that they're curious not scared. If you act differently around the kids it teaches them to act differently around wheelchairs.

Chris,

Thank you for doing this AMA.

Have there been any major changes in dreams/aspirations for you two as a couple that you're not sure how to handle now?

Examples: Were you interested in having children before hand and are now worried, or perhaps traveling to somewhere you might not be able to fully enjoy?

We do still plan to have kids and both of us do enjoy traveling even though Rach doesn't always get to experience the destinations the way she'd like to.

... In these videos, she appears to have full control of her arms... wouldn't that make her a paraplegic and not quadriplegic? Did it get worse after these videos or something? I'm very confused.

A quadriplegic is not nearly paralyzed from the neck down it means she has impairment in 4 limbs. Most people at her level have no finger function or triceps. In fact it is possible to have a walking quad

Oh, I didn't realize that before. TIL

I meant to say usually not nearly

Is there any physical therapy to improve her mobility?

Therapy is expensive. Our money goes to keeping up with medical costs

I survived a c6 c7 spinal cord injury. I am lucky in that mine is an incomplete sci. tell her every day you love her and are proud and not give up. I have faith a cure or treatment will come along in my life time.

I do tell her everyday

When considering marriage, I ran this and similar scenarios through my head a million times asking myself what could possibly make me choose not to be with him? Ironically I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition a few months before our wedding, and it now affects every day of my husband's life. So I may be overly-interested, but how has this change affected how you perceive your wife?

It's only confirmed what I knew about her strength of character. I've never known anyone so level headed and so able to overcome adversity.

I read about Rachelle in Cosmo before you two were married. Saw her AMA on here and then started following her on Twitter. I know you are a teacher, and it is National Teacher Appreciation Day, so thank you for being a teacher. A couple of questions. After the accident did any of your family or friends suggest that you not marry Rachelle so your life would be easier? How hard was it for you to get used to the media attention surrounding yours and Rachelle's story? Since you and Rachelle are a couple I am going to assume you argue sometimes. Did her accident change the way you argue with her?

No family or friends suggested not getting married. Shortly after she was hurt my parents asked me how I felt about all this and if I had any plans. I simply said Rach and I are just gonna have to take it day by day and we've just been going about it that way ever since. We've always had the full support of family and friends.

[deleted]

Mine is chocolate chip muffins. But she hates chocolate. Her favorite is cinnamon

[deleted]

Since her injury we've been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from the public. Without so many people reaching out to us we would not be where we are right now

Props to you man, I know you've been through a lot....side note GO PIRATES

Aaarrrggghh!

Can your wife get pregnant?

Yes and we plan to have kids

What was your very first thought when you heard the news? What went through your mind?

Confusion more than anything. For the first few days I was simply trying to piece together what had happened and what it all would mean for the future.

cheers to you, what a gentleman you are!

-Did getting married affect medical coverage for her?

-Do you and your wife profit from any endorsements?

-On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you feel about perogies?

Even being single she did not have great healthcare coverage. She didn't qualify for SSI because she was right out of college and hadn't paid into the system long enough. She doesn't get medicaid either. Since getting married she is now on my insurance plan but regardless, her healthcare is very expensive. We don't get paid for endorsements or media appearances. Perogies,...a 2 not really my thing.

Is there ANY hope for her regaining mobility??

There really is no way to know. Many quads we've met have spontaneously regained some type of minor function even after several years but its usually something small and doesn't necessarily help their function.

I know you said the mechanics of sex still work but can she feel anything?

Yes, her body does respond and her nerves go a little crazy but she cannot "feel" in the way that we think of the word. She can't feel touch, she just gets tingling. It's a lot more mental for her.

When out in public, do people ever look down on you and Rachelle? Like do they ever make comments about how you're just with her because she's handicapped? Only asking because one of our good family friends had severe brain damage from a car accident and sometimes you can see the stares from others.

Yes people stare but I think it's because they are curious. People never say anything negative to our faces but I've seen comments online that say I'm only staying so I don't look like a jerk in the media. The love We have have is what has gotten us through together. She's still the same person I fell in love with back in college.

Thanks for doing this AMA!

I am a paraplegic, and am married to an "able-bodied" woman. This has added different dynamics to our relationship that may be encountered in others. Therefore, I'd be interested to see what you have to say about the following:

• Have you or your wife ever gone through any periods of depression as a result of the things that you need to do for her because she is just physically able?

• How far have you gone to see things from your wife's perspective? Have you ever tried to do the things she does AS SHE does them post-injury?

We've definitely had periods where we've been feeling down any frustrated by how her physical limitations affect her ability to do and experience certain things but never long bouts of depression. Though I live and interact with Rach on a daily basis I still don't pretend to understand things from her perspective. Rach wants me to try the wheelchair for a day experience and I'm excited. I think it'll give me a small amount of experience of what it must be like.

I'm extremely pleased that you're excited about trying the wheelchair. It's actually quite heartwarming to read that, as none of my significant others have ever wanted to, and some have outright refused.

You're a good man, and thank you for allowing me to keep some faith in people.

Thank you!

Go Pirates, ARGHHHH! Stay strong!

GO PIRATES!!!!

If you are talking about the same bride I'm thinking of, I helped with your wedding as the bellman at the Fearrington House Inn near Chapel Hill. I was honestly very impressed with your charecter when I heard about the situation prior to the wedding. I respect you very much sir for being there for your wife, and I wish you two the best.

That was definitely us. We had a truly amazing wedding. Small world!

Do you plan on having children together? Also, do you think the attention your story has gained has made it easier to get through it (emotionally/financially etc.), or more difficult?

We do still plan to have children. The overwhelming support we've gotten from our community and nationally has made a tremendous impact on our lives. When something this life altering comes along there are all kinds of adaptations and special help that is needed and we would not be where we are today without the kind hearts and support of many.

Not to be picky here, but how is she a quadriplegic? She can move her arms, which makes her a paraplegic.

That aside, good on you for sticking with her.

A quadriplegic is not nearly paralyzed from the neck down it just means she has impairment in 4 limbs. Most people at her level have no finger function or triceps. In fact it is possible to have a walking quad

What kind of treatments is your wife having done? Also do you guys plan on trying out any new/upcoming treatments (i.e. stem cells)? I know it isn't exactly the easiest or affordable of the options.. Either way, you're the man for being a man.

She has been to a place called project walk. She was only able to go for a couple weeks

I remember reading about this after it happened, and I couldn't believe how devastated I felt for your wife. I'm so happy you're still together. I'm sorry that I don't have a question for you, but I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

Thank you so much

How is the sex life?

I can't imagine the emotion and the physical toll when there are lack of intimacy between the married couple.

And how about children? I'm guessing Rachelle is still able to have children but will there be any complications during pregnancy?

And how will you explain to your future children about her situation?

Thanks for doing this AMA and I hope for the best in your family's future.

I wouldn't say we have lack of intimacy. We go out of our way to make sure we remain close and don't get too bogged down in other things. We do plan to have children and we'll just have to explain what happened when they're old enough to understand. We met a friend in rehab that raised her kid from 2yrs old by herself so we'll just have to seek advice from others as we go as I'm sure all new parents do.

Have you met any other couples like yourselves? People with disabilities have been getting married, starting families, etc. since the dawn of time, yet society has a way of making you think "you're the only ones". If you ever feel like nobody else "gets it," know that there are countless others who have been there, done that, and you don't have to blaze your own trail (unless you want to!).

We know many couples. Almost all of them are where the guy is injured. Rach knows very few females that are hurt and there are none she know and socialize with locally. All her girlfriends in chairs are in other cities.

How is housing for you? After my dad became paralyzed (spinal Tumor) we had to rebuild a lot of our house. I did the work, my mom Did the reorganization.

Did your bridal registry change?

We were lucky enough to get a home remodel so the house is now accessible for her. Same registry pretty much

Which media outlet did you enjoy going on the most?

That's a tough one because each one has had it's own charm. It was amazing going to NY and being on the set of the Today Show. Meeting everyone was an awesome experience. We love the HLN reports because they're always so upbeat and positive. It was also cool meeting the celebrities out it California for VH1. And we have been overwhelmed by the support of the local community and the crew for George to the Rescue. Each experience we've had together holds a special place in our hearts.

This may be inappropriate, but this is an AMA so...Do you have sex with your wife?

It was answered More specifically to a another users question. But in short yes

This is almost happened to me; I did a back flip into an above ground pool from a deck and I landed on my face and I shit you not I could hear my spine creaking like a two by four ready to snap and the first thing I thought was "I'm about to lose my ability to walk." I was fortunate to walk away from it but my back hurt for a week.

The tiniest angle difference can change everything

You are one amazing and courageous man. Thank you for your perseverance and love, as you are one of a kind, standing next to your then fiancé now wife... also thank you to give faith in humanity to many many many women who think men are only selfish jerks.

Yea not all of us are

Interesting, I lived in the area and had never heard of this and missed the IAMA. Are you guys still in VA Beach?

We are both from va beach so she was back there to celebrate with friends. We live outside of Raleigh now

Was there ever a moment when you thought that you couldn't go through with it?

I've said this in numerous interviews but it was never what am 'I" going to do it was what are "WE" going to do. I would rather have her paralyzed than to have lost her that day

What do you two crazy kids do for leisure now? If you were an active couple before, how has that impacted your relationship emotionally and how do you now compensate?

For leisure I love Flyfishing and golf. Since these activities are not easy for us to do together, most of our joint leisure time is spent simply being social. Going out with friends.

I'm still confused how she hit her head/neck? Did she straight torpedo to the bottom? This has been my question every time you guys do an AMA. I just picture her bent over at the waist with her hands in her pockets or something and not having time to react?

The way I ha it explained to me: she got pushed and reacted by trying to dive and putting her arms out in front of her. Her arms didn't lock out when they reached the bottom.. She things her hand protected her from head injury but the angle caused her neck to over extend the wrong way on impact. It's not that she went in hard. It was the angle of the fall.

How has this affected your relationship with her? Are you more patient or less patient than you used to be? How difficult has it been maintaining an intimate relationship?

Patience is not one of my strongest points to begin with, I'm a little high strung in general, but as long as she keeps working hard her accomplishments and abilities will come. Intimacy in our relationship certainly has it's difficulties now but it's something we focus on often as a couple to maintain in our relationship.

You two are a bad-ass couple. Have you had a thought to write a book together about the whole experience?

Rach is actually writing a book now due out next spring. Keep up with her on her website at www.rachellefriedman.com

If you won the lottery, what would you buy?

Bass boat, golf stuff, cottage on trout stream!

Has this created a financial strain and does that affect your relationship?

It definitely has. I often stress about money but I'm kind of high strung anyways. Rachelle handles paying the bills which takes some stress off. It doesn't cause tension in our relationship, but it does keep us from doing a lot of the fun things that we used to do together. It would be so nice if I could just take her on vacation and get a way with her sometime

Did you or your wife's personality change drastically?

Honestly we managed to remain the same people. She has mentioned to me that she is a little bit more shy going out only because she knows some people are a little thrown off by the wheelchair. People just aren't used to seeing a 27-year-old blonde chick in a chair

When I see someone in a wheelchair, I always look at them and smile because I know people are weird about it. I might add, a damn hot 27-year-old :-)

What would you like people to know?

She is hot! thank you. She has actually said she doesn't like that. She knows they are usually only smiling at her because she's in a wheelchair. That's not to say she doesn't think it's very nice. But she just Wants to be treated the same way anyone else would be treated. Anyone should ask how they would around an able-bodied person. But we understand that's easier said than done when you're not used to being around people in wheelchairs. I want Everyone to know that Rachelle isn't huge burden I genuinely love my wife. There have been multiple comments on message boards Questioning the legitimacy of why we're together And I think it's unfortunate that people can't believe that I just genuinely love her