Wow. This had such a great impact. Thank you everyone. I will soon be lost among the other AMAs, but I am always here to answer questions. Thanks everyone for the encouragement. Let's spread the word!

Back before college in High School, I had gotten to my highest weight. I'm 5' 3" and I weighed 147 lb/66.6 kg. I decided to loose some weight.

Fast forward back to college. I got there weighing about 120 lb/54.4 kg. My boyfriend was pretty verbally abusive, and I was crazy insecure and jealous. I had to be perfect.

Me before the Anorexia:

To summarize to get to the Anorexia, I got pregnant and he insisted I terminate the pregnancy, afterwards leaving me home alone and with no medications. He felt no sympathy.

This is when shit went down. This was January 14th, 2009. Soon, I was restricting food all day, waiting until night to eat. And getting really stoned. The weight fell. My campus had a huge state-of-the-art gym so I started working out and the weight kept falling.

Eventually I went to go visit my aunt and uncle 45 minutes away. To their horror, I was about 90 pounds. When I left, they called my mom, which then prompted her to fly up from Texas to Ohio without my knowledge and stage an intervention.

When she came to my house, I flipped. I threw things, screamed, got in her face, and all sorts of horrible things. She told me I was to start a partial hospitalization program at a place called the Center for Balanced Living. This is where you are at treatment most of the day, eat 2 monitored meals, then go home, 5 days a week.

I entered weighing 84 pounds and basically failed miserably. I ended up about a month later weighing less so they said I either needed to go inpatient or back home to Texas with my family.

Here is a picture of me at that first treatment center with some other girls.

Went down to Dallas - August 2009 -tried a PHP (partial hospitalization program) there. Hated it. Eventually I started seeing a psychiatrist two times a week - he was damn crazy. Didn't work.

I started riding my bike 12 miles a day and vicious workout regimen restricting myself to 150 calories/day. Weight started plummeting.

I then realized I needed help when I saw myself in the mirror and just... cried. I was scared. I couldn't stop and I knew I was dying.

I picked out a treatment center and decided to give them a call. They did a phone assessment where I told them I thought I was in the lower 70 lb/32 kg range. I later drove to the treatment center with my mother (it was in Oklahoma, we lived in Dallas) and went through admissions.

I don't really remember because my brain was mush, but my mother told me that these treatment professionals began a calm panic because they had found my weight to be 60 lbs/ 27 kg. They told my mother that "God willing, we might get her through this".

I ended up on strict bed-rest and isolation because my white blood cell count was too low. My room was right in front of the Nurse's Station. I had to be fed through a feeding tube (with a small combination of actual food) because I was at risk for AND got re-feeding syndrome, where your body flips out when it gets food and shuts down. I was in a wheelchair at all times and had a shower chair when I was cleaning up.

Here's me with my tube and the extreme weight loss:

I ended up being in kidney, renal, pancreatic, liver, and acute heart failure. I wasn't able to speak much, or write well. Eventually I was allowed to go to groups and eat in the dining hall. We were under strict rules. Only 45 minutes to eat, no behaviors, no weird food combos, before and after every meal our trays were checked to make sure we had all of are carbs, fats, proteins, etc. and to make sure we ate EVERY LAST BITE. At the end of each meal we had to "process" saying how we felt emotionally, and it was documented.

Here is an example of a huge meal plan that was extremely painful to go through eating:

After each meal and snack we had to wait 45 minutes to be able to use the restroom, you had to have a psych tech with you and some people were not allowed to flush until the tech saw it. We weren't allowed to walk a lot, or even shake our feet or anything. We had to be still. Most of us were heavily medicated zombies, so we were in a daze all day.

Here is a list of all my medications I was on: They eventually added Zyprexa and Ativan.

We had groups every day and all day. Saturdays and Sundays were more relaxed, letting us watch TV in the group room, play games, or do crafts. Again though, we were stuck in there for 45 minutes after every meal and snack.

Eventually I gained weight and was released back home. Not two weeks later, I was at Dallas Presbyterian Hospital in the psych ward (oooh, fun) awaiting to be transferred back. There were cameras in my room, so to exercise I would hide behind them and time when the techs would come by every 15 minutes.

Went back to Laureate and started basically over. By the time October of 2010 hit, I was kicked out for exercising/restricting/and triggering the other girls. I went to the Renfrew Center in Coconut Creek, FL where the documentary film THIN was made. It's on YouTube I believe.

Once you were on certain levels, you were allowed to go to the "Healing Garden" during breaks. I would play my guitar there.

I eventually was released in early 2011. I spent every holiday in the hospital, multiple times. I am happily recovered now, living in Melbourne, Florida with my boyfriend. I am at a healthy 110 lbs/49.8 kg. Here are some recent pictures:

Casey Anthony Trial Verdict day at the courthouse

Me decked out in Ohio State stuff:

Sorry if this is so long. Three years of hell is a lot to explain. I hope people on here with eating disorders or disordered eating can learn from me. Feel free to ask me any and all questions.

Comments: 1508 • Responses: 68  • Date: 

anoreximale444 karma

Male here: First off, congrats on the progress you've made. It's incredibly difficult. I've been through a lot of the stuff that you went through. I had a string of bad relationships, began exercising to cope, and slowly but surely started restricting. For months I was eating 300-600 calories a day. As a 6' 1", large frame male my weight got down to 130lb. I ended up in a hospital for a month of treatment. My resting heart rate was 25bpm. For the first few weeks I was not allowed to walk, and required nurses to move me by wheel chair. I remember the lowest point of my life very clearly. The first night in the hospital, sitting in that wheel chair for the first time, looking down at my legs and suddenly realizing how skeletal they were. The realization hit me hard; I was very sick. I cried a lot that night.

After getting out of the hospital I was still responsible for gaining weight back. That was a struggle for a couple months too, as I still desired to restrict. I began to exercise again, which helped me more than anything. Exercise really stimulated my appetite. That was four years ago, and today I have no thoughts or desire to restrict. I have an excellent exercise regimen and have been at a healthy weight for years.

Although I only struggled with anorexia for about a year, I would say I am 100% recovered. I can never see myself desiring to return to the restrictive lifestyle. Granted, you fought with it for 3 years, so I imagine your recovery time will be longer than mine. But I believe (with time) you will fully recover.

[deleted]307 karma

Wow. I love to hear the stories of Males with Eating Disorders. It's incredibly important for people to realize that ANYONE can suffer. I also wish there were more treatment centers available to men.

What a great story as well. Sometimes it takes that shock of something when things are lowest to get you started. Best of luck to you, and thank you for your hope.

obesebulimic57 karma

I used to be about 125 pounds at 5'9" because I was bulimic. I didn't have the opportunity to even talk to a therapist because I was hiding all my mental issues from friends and family. One day I took my shirt off and my best friend saw my ribs and then instantly grilled me and got it out of me that I was bulimic. At 125 I felt okay, but I still wanted to lose weight. Somehow I got through it and then ended up at a healthy 160 for a while then 174 for the next few years. Now I have the opposite problem, now I'm an over-eater. I'm now 235 pounds just over the obesity line for a 6'2" male.

I just wanted to let people know that eating disorders aren't just about the skinny teenage girls, and those prone to them are often overlooked once they get back to a healthy weight. I used to stray away from food to feel better, now I cling to it. I really wish I could get a handle on life, but it's extremely hard to find balance. When I diet, I lose 30 pounds in a month and slip into not eating at all/throwing up when I feel like I messed up.

It's amazing how far you've come, and I'm happy for you! I'm still struggling with my mental image of myself, but hopefully a change in scenery, help from friends, and relearning how to eat and what it's like to feel satiated and what a healthy me actually looks like I'll be set to improve.

[deleted]28 karma

I can't stress this enough. People may look normal on the outside, but they are killing themselves. A lot of my friends were "normal" weights and died. It's among people of any and every weight.

[deleted]25 karma


Draggedaround52 karma

Male here that is 6'1, 25 and I weigh only 135 pounds. I've weighed this much for years, I try to over eat all the time to gain weight. It's not happening.

[deleted]4 karma

How old are you?

I was like that until I turned 25, and then I started gaining weight like crazy. Which is good, because I was into weight lifting for strength back then.

I went back to the town where I went to school for a weekend, and holy shit did I blow them the fuck away. I think my neck was thicker than my waist was in high school.

Good times.

Atlantic_Conqueror3 karma


drunk_dean_martin232 karma

whoever is downvoting legitimately good comments in this thread is a cunt.

aerynmoo114 karma

Probably some thinspo trolls.

juicybubbles30 karma


GrimLP14 karma

Whoever doesn't know by now that reddit has an automatic downvoting system should lurk more before posting.

LightningSh0ck159 karma

You're really cute. stay that way. glad to see you're happy and healthy now. only question is can you pinpoint the notion within that said you needed to lose more weight? was it a depression thing, beauty thing or something else?

[deleted]138 karma

Depression, ADHD, insecurities, and it hit me when two of my doctors called me heavy, and I went to a website and found my BMI was "overweight".

neekz0r218 karma

This is why BMI is bullshit.

[deleted]99 karma

Yup. I read somewhere that some of those buff celebrities are considered obese.

benk481 karma

Yeah my buddy was 5'7" 195 lbs but it was solid muscle. Like 7% body fat. But BMI told him he was obese.

[deleted]100 karma

Exactly why we need to measure body fat percentage instead.

Comical_Sans7 karma

How were you "overweight"? If you don't mind me asking how much did you weigh? and did you ever have any anorexic troubles prior to "when it hit you"?

[deleted]37 karma

I was almost 150 pounds. I am a gymnast and contortionist so a lot was muscle, but as for anorexic troubles, not really. It was my first time dieting and it went very, very badly.

Glass-House148 karma

1) congratulations on making it through. You look great now.

2) I saw a post below stating that you are trying to get pregnant. Forgive my bluntness, but what in gods name are you thinking? You have stated that you are unemployed and obviously not financially secure. How is bringing another life into this world even a remotely good idea? You are barely a year out of rehab and having a child is easily one of the most stressful things a person can do even under ideal circumstances. Priority check?

A) be able to stand on your own

B) do that for a decade

c) consider having a child

[deleted]65 karma

Thanks for your insight. This is true.

Glass-House38 karma

Can i get some more info on how you came to the conclusion this was a good next step? You can't be more than 21 or 22 based on the timeline you laid out.

[deleted]49 karma

I'm 23. My birthday is at the beginning of February. I guess it's that part of me that wants to sort-of "make amends" for my terminated pregnancy.

the_girlnextdoor135 karma

Don't guilt yourself like this!! You're only 23. You have so much time & you should focus on getting better. Not trying to give you advice you don't want or condescend or anything, but it would really, really suck to have something pull you back down to where you were before. Kids and babies are great, but focus on you -- there is no shame on focusing on you!!

[deleted]11 karma

Thank you!

[deleted]4 karma

Nothing makes a statement quite like an awesome GIF. =D

marmighty112 karma

What was your opinion on Pro-Ana websites when you were sick? What about now you've recovered?

Thanks for this AMA, it's really inspiring to read about your recovery! x

[deleted]181 karma

Oh god... Pro-Ana is awful. So is Pro-Mia. "Thinspiration" is the worst. When I would get hungry I'd watch videos and look at pictures. It's awful, and very controversial. Of course I want them to be removed, but this is the internet. Also hopefully someone around them will notice they need help. And you're welcome!

DownvoteTsunami74 karma

Damn it, now I'm off to google search some other horrible thing I didn't know existed until reddit brought it to my attention.

[deleted]145 karma


ClintFuckingEastwood50 karma

Oh goodness, why did I do it. I knew anorexia was a terrible disease, but I don't know if I've ever really tried to understand the minds of those with eating disorders. This is terrible. I feel like a shitty person just having seen it. But I'm also a lot more aware, I don't think there are any people suffering in my life, but I think I will be a more perceptive.

You've beat something nasty OP, congratulations. I hope you enjoy a healthy life surrounded by loved ones.

[deleted]36 karma

Thanks. And pretend you never saw it.

everwood38 karma

Beside my weight loss and refusal to eat around anyone, the websites were what got me "caught." I'm glad you're doing well. Anorexia sucks. I hope if you get the urge to restrict you'll remember the hell you went through. I'll always have body image issues, but thankfully I've realized food is necessary to live and I love life.

And go Bucks!

[deleted]26 karma

Thanks and GO BUCKS!

misterpiper4 karma

I know a recovering anorexic who know runs a support group. She refuses to answer any questions about how low her weight got or show pictures of how thin she was because it she feels it adds to the culture of anorexia. I wonder what your thoughts about this are since you obviously chose to share your weight and photos? Do you think you may be inspiring other anorexic young women? Not judging you, but honestly just curious if you thought about this before you posted.

[deleted]11 karma

In a group of people with eating disorders, it's an unspoken (and spoken) rule that no one share numbers or pictures because it turns competitive. I was simply trying to help others. If I were to speak to a recovery group, I would be much more vague about numbers and things to that nature. It's more important then to emphasize recovery is possible.

animalcrackers1172 karma

Why no hot sauce?

[deleted]122 karma

Because when I was really sick, I put cayenne pepper and red hot on EVERYTHING. It boosts your metabolism and creates body heat so for that reason I was strictly not allowed. And pepper, too.

[deleted]54 karma


[deleted]61 karma

Ha ha, but it's helping fight gluttony! Checkmate!

drunk_dean_martin70 karma

My little sister (17) has been suffering from bulimia for the last 2 years or so. Shes gone through everything, nutritionists, psychologists, out patient, in patient, etc., all of which have not really helped. She recently got released from an inpatient program after 13 days because insurance wouldn't cover it. She was really upset that she had to leave but made progress while she was there. From your own personal experiences with your family, what can I do to help her through this?

[deleted]86 karma

It helps to have a line between being supportive of the eating disorder and being supportive of her. It's really hard when people mention and mention it over and over. Let her know recovery seriously is possible, I know it sounds corny. I am a true believer because I was kick out of treatment for behaviors and I'm so happy now. It's totally worth it.

Also, be patient. It takes time. A lot. Sometimes, being harsh and straight forward is the best thing to do. Looking back, I wish someone would have been harsh with me. I probably would have freaked and thrown a tantrum, but it would stick to me. Best of luck and if you have any other questions, DM me. I'm here to help.

Xani44 karma

And be prepared to cry shitloads.

I spent 2 years as an anorexic. Flatly refused inpatient and only turned my life around when my psych told me I basically had to eat or die. I was 18 then and they couldn't force me to inpatient because I wasn't quite crazy enough to get sectioned.

My sister and my best friend were the best. They were straightforward, harsh and blunt and my god, it helped me so much.

[deleted]17 karma

Oooooh yes.

drunk_dean_martin18 karma

thank you for your advice, you have an inspiring story, good luck with your recovery

[deleted]16 karma

No problem.

iEatBluePlayDoh59 karma

Your ex was a dick. I don't know anybody who would ever complain with you in the first picture. You are very pretty, and don't let any jerk let you think differently.

[deleted]27 karma

Thanks. He was.

skiddleybop56 karma

good job on your recovery. The feeding tube pics are pretty shocking.

Out of curiosity, why would you continue exercising after being admitted? You say you broke down and cried when you looked at yourself in the mirror, but then you continue the behavior? Why? And why do they kick you out for not obeying the rules? It seems weird that if you're in there for an eating disorder and they can't fix it, they just give up and kick you out?

[deleted]93 karma

Addiction is addiction. When you are forced to eat foods and to gain weight, your instant recation when dealing with this is to burn off as much as you can. They want you to gain 1-2 pounds a week, and it's very uncomfortable.

Yes, I cried, but there was still a huge part of me that wanted to still be sick. But when you have no ass and literally every bone in your body visible and can't sit because it hurts your bones, you freak.

Heart palpitations make it freaky, too.

They didn't really "kick me out" - they transferred me to another treatment center, based on the idea that maybe something different would help. It did.

higherflyer29 karma

if it was an addiction did it make you feel good, did you feel a sense of achievement when you lost a couple pounds? i am just curious as to the thought process. btw im glad to see how good you'r doing and if i may say so, damn you are good lookin'

[deleted]59 karma

Thank you!

And oh yes, it was bliss when I lost weight - at first. Just like those commercials for weight loss there the people fit into their old jeans and give academy award speeches to themselves in the mirror. Then, it just became habit, routine, and while still satisfying it became very stressful.

pornstarrunner51 karma

Hi! Thank you SO much for opening up. One of my dearest friends was in Laureate for anorexia. She was diagnosed at 10 years old and has struggled with it for a very long time. She's 22 now. They even did an article about her in Newsweek a long time ago. I've been told that you're not supposed to tell an anorexic person that they look "good" or "better" because they will hear "you look fat." Is this true or is this just something that applies to her situation?
Also, if I delivered, maintained, or services your food pump, you're welcome. (hint: there's a very high probability that I did) ;)

[deleted]26 karma

I was at Laureate. Dr. B saved my life. <3

[deleted]9 karma

He's gone now. It's Dr. Godwin now.

milkspores13 karma

I would avoid telling her she looks better, if you want to tell her she looks better simply say she looks happy. That will be enough.

CmndrSalamander45 karma

How does one get stoned and not eat?

[deleted]54 karma

Tim and Eric.

qalbee44 karma

Congratulations, sweetheart. Having gone through ED-NOS, I know the struggle, though not as tough of a battle as you had, and I hope I never have to. Good luck to you and your bright future! :D

[deleted]33 karma

Oooh... the lovely ED-NOS. Such a broad diagnosis. Seriously though, it's not fucking worth it. EVER EVER EVER. Good luck to you!

qalbee39 karma

Yep. Where you feel like you aren't "good enough" because you're too fat to be anorexic, but your tendencies are still sick.

And yeah. I got sick about a year ago and the weight gain has really been awful. I want to lose weight in a healthy way, but am worried those tendencies will come back.

Thank you!

[deleted]54 karma

Yeah, I reccomend not losing weight. Your mind is still playing tricks on you and it will become a vicious cycle. Just try to be in the moment and accept what you are. Beautiful, Unique, Like nobody else, and LOVED.

[deleted]7 karma

It helps if you have someone who loves you for yourself. Dating assholes is dangerous for your health.

BillDinghy39 karma

Have you ever heard of Korsakoff's Syndrome? It's basically a brain-wasting disease caused by lack of B-vitamins that people with eating disorders get. Do you have this

[deleted]40 karma

I was pretty much deficient in every vitamin, after reading this it makes sense why I can't remember a lot and couldn't complete logical sentences or write.

GADBabaganoosh38 karma

What's with the downvote squad in this thread?

[deleted]56 karma


GADBabaganoosh25 karma

I'm glad you are in recovery, and puzzled to why someone would downvote in here.

Edit: I was seeing a ton of zeros all over the comments which didn't seem right, but not anymore.

[deleted]60 karma

Someone must be either Anorexic/Bulimic, or just an asshole.

Oaktree336 karma

I have a question for you, I really hope you can help.

A person in my life is very strange with food. She goes through periods of "dieting" she calls it, but eats VERY little. She will eat an apple, orange and a banana and thats it for the whole day. She will do this for weeks and weeks on end and lose 30 pounds in a month. She will get to her goal and then slowly creep back up again. She looks great the way she normally is and when she loses the weight, she looks gaunt and sickly. Its really scary.

Here's the catch. She does these behaviors out in the open; the family is completely aware of it. No one says anything to her or behind her back about this fucked up behavior. No one seems to think she is sick! The worst part is I think she's jeopardizing her academia while she is "dieting". She has big dreams, but how can you function while you're brain is literally starving. I am worried that she will damage her organs from all this abuse and she will end up not being able to keep a normal healthy weight because she's completely fucked her metabolism.

Do you think this is a disorder? How do I help her?

[deleted]49 karma

It is indeed a disorder. Disordered eating. The yo-yo part is very dangerous. If she's doing it out in public, point it out to her at the moment. Ask her if maybe a consistent meal plan with no small/large amount of food would be better than all or nothing. A nutritionist would be extremely helpful.

She needs to be aware, and so does her family. It's not a phase, and it could kill her.

flyingcars29 karma

How did you pay for all of the inpatient treatment?

Did you ever frequent any of the eating disorder message boards online?

[deleted]61 karma

I am lucky enough to have a mother with a very successful job, with good health insurance. However, my disease took a huge toll on their finances, and they actually used a lot of their retirement savings for it. I feel like shit about it everyday.

This is really the first time I've been really involved with ED questions post-recovery. I really don't like to focus on the fact I have an eating disorder anymore. I'm aware, but not obsessed.

katffro28 karma

Don't feel bad about that. Eating disorders are serious illnesses and you should never feel guilty!
I'll bet anything that your parents are happier with you healthy and safe than with money.
Congratulations on fighting it! You look beautiful :)

[deleted]10 karma

Thank you!

[deleted]29 karma


[deleted]28 karma

Thankyou for sharing this. I have posted this on another IAM recovering anorexic AMA thread but I thought I'd share it with you. Hi, I'm 15. I've been to the hospital 3 times, and have been going to the outpatient doctors every week for the past 3 years. I've always have had anxieties and OCD and Anorexic-like thoughts. When I was 3, I use to smile a certain way just so the bones on my neck would stick out. Yet as a child I had obsessive overeating. When I was about 11, I quit eating. I have to tell you congratulations. It takes a lot guts to gain wait and overcome something like this. And over the past 4 years of having this I have done so much research I thought I should share some with you. First, this a genetically predisposed. You were practically born this way. Like schizophrenics hearing things, well us anorexics see things differently(our bodies). Its a deficitency in the somatosensory intregtasion processing cortex(right parietal). A study( has been done and shows even after weight gain and "recovery" people with anorexia still have the same deficity in that part of the brain and still see and feel themselves incorrectly. Its just the way you are and you have to tell yourself that. Say to yourself "I don't see myself correctly, so how can I even judge my body to someone else's or say that I'm fat if I don't even see the truth.". Also every time I have been in treatment, maybe half the people in there truly had anorexia nervosa. The rest of them were rich white kids who just fasted for a few weeks and have paranoid parents. Statistics on anorexia are way off and it is actaully a rare disorder. Its something that you will live with for the rest of your life, you just have to train yourself to live a good life with it. Use your "cognitive mind". Just keep fighting your thoughts. Also, whenever I gained my 40lbs, I did not get physically bigger. I wore the same exact size. Of course I thought I was getting bigger(fucked up brain) but my size was the same, and everybody told me I was the same size. The only difference in when I'm healthy I have color in my skin and jump in my step. I asked my doc and nutritionist all about this and they said a underweight person's muscles are like a sponge or swiss cheese. When you gain weight you are filling in the holes or wetting the sponge and it becomes heavier but appears the same size. I don't know if your also expierencing that, but I did and so did almost everyone in my program(except for the one's who were severly underweight and died from complete muscle and organ depletion). And it's sad. People that I would have therapy with everyday, eat every meal together, died just a few weeks later after that. It's a scary thing. So just keep on trying. I have complete and total faith in you. You can do it. It takes alot of work and shitload of mental work and thinking 24/7 but hey, it's better then dying. It's lights on lights off. Keep the lights on. And I know that you are in recovery and know alot of this, but I thought posting this wouldn't hurt. And trust me on this stuff, I have researched day and night and interrogated my doctors a ton about what happens during the gaining weight period and the biological part of anorexia NERVOSA. I wish you the best.

yuppa0028 karma

It seems like you knew how dangerously unhealthy you were, and how much damage was being done to your body, yet you continued to exercise. How would you delude or convince yourself that at the time what you were doing was right, even if it was killing you?

Have you had any lasting complications from being so underweight, or from all of the medication you took?

[deleted]60 karma

"Well I'm eating now, and I have the tube... I don't want to gain weight fast so I'll exercise some of it off." It sucks, you want to get better but you do a lot to inhibit that.

I have fluid in my heart and I lost a lot of mucus in my intestines so I need to take medication in order to properly shit. I have palpitations and get dizziness and fainting. Medications have caused me to have seizures. I am in a lot of pain due to my organs trying to tell me how evil I am. Like I've stated before, I am appealing my denial for disability.

I can't stand on my feet for long times, and I have specific times I have to eat which a lot of work places won't work with. (work with... heheheh)

LostSoulsAlliance8 karma

First off, congratulations on getting back to normal--you were very beautiful at your original weight, and again when you got back to a normal weight.

I'm sorry your boyfriend was such an awful person--it's tragic how a messed up individual can nearly kill someone they supposedly care about treating them that way.

That medication list is scary--I'd be willing to bet a lot of your palpitations/dizziness/fainting and seizures are in large part due to some of those meds. I tell you from my own horrific experience: ativan/clonezepam are EXTREMELY physically addicting meds, and sudden changes/variation in dosages (even seemingly minor) WILL cause those exact symptoms. Seroquel is a bullshit drug that is dangerous to mess with (nursing homes LOVE the stuff because it keeps patients "quiet and manageable"). Pristiq is a crap drug too. If/when you decide to get off them, there is a right way and a wrong way. Almost all health providers/psychs use the wrong way, and when you suffer they WILL say it's because you need those meds. The right way takes a lot of time, fortitude, and faith in yourself but is much less painful and much more successful in the end.

Again, congratulations and great job!!

[deleted]10 karma

Thanks! I did have to be hospitalized for stopping clonozepam and lorazepam, ironically. The rest I was able to gently get off of. I am now on three medications. YAY!

doobie-scooo22 karma

Dude you were way cute in the before picture! Do you feel that you're out of the weeds now, or do you think you're like......"one tragedy away" from getting back into it? By that I mean, are you afraid something might trigger it to strike you again or do you feel like you've got it beaten?

[deleted]41 karma

Thanks! Ha... I guess the after pics aren't good. I basically look the same as I did in the before picture, they just aren't professional. (My insecurity is showing)

And yes. The scary thing about this disease is that one simple little thing can cause me to slip right back into restricting. I am still not able to exercise because when I start I know I won't be able to stop. I tried once and instead of running 1/2 mile I ran 4. Yaaah.

I will never be recovered. I will always be "in recovery". Even when I feel great, I can't let my guard down. I'd say I'm 65/35 towards recovery.

doobie-scooo5 karma

Similar to alcoholism in regards to recovery I guess.

Keep on top of that shit, especially when you face some adversity, yeah? Also......if you see yourself start to restrict or whatever, call on family and friends to keep an eye on you! A simple heads up to someone you trust can help you keep yourself under control, and allow them to step in if you need them to.

Chin up, you done good so far.

[deleted]10 karma

Addiction is addiction.

I've become extremely aware of when I'm triggered and am very open about it to those close to me. I live here in Melbourne without any friends, also unemployed because of disability and have no car. It's extremely depressing but my close friends from everywhere are always a text/call away. And thank you!

Krypty18 karma

Not to shift blame on to others or anything - but did you not have a group of supportive friends to call you out on it and to remind you how beautiful you are?

From experience, I know it isn't always the easiest thing to do, but I'd rather have a friend get mad that I was looking out for them as opposed to just sitting by and letting it happen.

[deleted]43 karma

Sure, I had tons of people to support me and tell me how "amazing" and "beautiful" I was. It's great to know I have support, but I still block out the whole "Beautiful" thing. I still think it's bullshit. Just listen to me vent and be there for me. And YES eventually if I was pissed at someone for helping me the result later was an emotional apology and a fabulous reunion.

imbecile17 karma

What's your favorite dish?

[deleted]30 karma

It varies. I really like thanksgiving foods. Sweet potatoes, squash, turkey. I like goat cheese and baked artichokes a lot, too. I like frozen Super Pretzels at the supermarket because they feel like one of those movie theater ones sans guilt. I like fish and chicken, not really red meat.

Right now my fav is the artichoke thing.

imbecile12 karma

Sounds all very nice. I want artichoke now too.

No blame on the food at all.

I got twin cousins who both went through anorexic/bulimic phases a few times in their life. The difference is striking when one is and the other isn't. I don't see them very often anymore, but already as children they were off a little bit psychologically, and I guess that was one of the manifestations later on. Sweet girls though.

Have your teeth made it out okay?

[deleted]21 karma

Yes my teeth are okay. I wasn't a purger by vomiting. I exercised. Twins are a lot of the Eating Disorder cases. Very interesting.

ThisistheHoneyBadger15 karma

Were you always a Buckeye fan or is it a terrible affliction caused from your recovery of anorexia? Just kidding, go Blue. But serious, when you were going through this how did you get through social situations where you had to order a meal at a restaurant or something like that? Did you just order it and take it home and throw it out? Thanks and glad to see you're recovering.

[deleted]5 karma

Ha! Buckeye born and bred, buckeye 'till I'm dead!

Basically before I went inpatient, I didn't go out to eat ever. I became a hermit because I felt everything revolved around food. When I did go out, I ordered just lettuce and cucumbers (tomatoes and carrots had too many calories for me) with just vinegar. I'd then workout like hell.

Peralton13 karma

What was the reaction of friends and family to your disorder? Either when they saw it happening, or when you disclosed it to them? Did some pull away? Were they supportive? I'm wondering if your overall social groups changed from before and after your recovery.

Congrats, btw. Stay healthy!

[deleted]21 karma

I didn't ever tell anybody, because it got bad so quickly that it was very apparent by my physical appearance that something bad was happening. Only the boyfriend at the time pulled away. He was an asshole. He watched me slowly die in front of his eyes and did nothing about it. Everyone else supported me greatly. People I hadn't heard from in forever started sending me cards.

My social groups have changed - in the fact I don't really have any. I'm unemployed fighting for disability selling a lot of my stuff for money and have no car (my parents sold it when I was sick). I do go out, but it is usually for football or basketball or drinking. My boyfriend doesn't really like me talking to other dudes, even though that's who I get along with the best.

[deleted]41 karma


[deleted]10 karma

Holy crap... I could've curled you.

huggingalpaca10 karma

I am very glad that you've recovered! You look lovely. Have you gotten to a point where you don't automatically calculate the calories in any food you see?

[deleted]15 karma

Thank you! And as for calories - no. I mean, when I'm at a restaurant I don't have to go online and find the lowest calorie thing there. I pretty much am an expert now on calories and can calculate on a rough basis. But I hate when they put the calorie counts on the menu. It sucks because it makes me severely limit what I can eat. As for store bought foods, I never buy anything without checking the calorie count. But I'm not as picky as I used to be.

patheticpun10 karma

Congratulations on your brave fight and your recovery! I hope your happiness grows :)

[deleted]10 karma

Thank you. I really appreciate reading that. A lot.

cakeonaplate9 karma

Congrats with the recovery! You have a great family; its great to see them be so dedicated! At what age did you complete your final program?

Also, did you feel as if your life is taking a different direction now? I remember while I had my eating disorder (two years recovered, yay!), I wanted to be an artist, and now I want to work in the psychology field. Did you find that you gained new interests after recovery?

Anyways, eating disorders are the most exhausting thing, but wow, the people I met in treatment were so amazing. There were so many smart, dedicated, passionate girls in my group, and it pains me that we all had to go through such an awful disease. Ugh.

[deleted]20 karma

I was 22 when I finished inpatient/residential. I am 23 now and still try to go to therapy.

After my recovery I got really into crossword puzzles and shit because that's all you are allowed to do at the Frew. The guitar has become a huge thing for me, along with piano. I've started doing things I took for granted before I got sick. Like going outside, to the beach/lake/pool, riding in a car with the windows down. Having tea/coffee, going to theme parks (I live 45 mins from Universal and have an annual pass) and loving and being polite to everyone.

yikes527 karma

First, congrats on your recovery process!

From what I understood about people suffering from eating disorders, an anorexic or bulimic person literally can't see themselves as thin when they look at themselves in the mirror, even if they could be extremely gaunt and unhealthy looking. (Which is probably why so many people misunderstand it.) Is there any truth to that?

Also, as you look back at your situation, do you think any of your desire to be thin and perfect partially due to supposed media pressures (i.e. supermodels in magazines) or was it purely a personal endeavor (i.e. to please your boyfriend, to be happy)?

[deleted]11 karma

Thank you! And yes. It's so very true. I weight 60 pounds and still thought I looked fat. I cried when I saw myself dying but still thought I was fat. It sucks.

Oh yes the media is a huge influence. Comparisons still haunt me to this day. It's awful. It was also personal to be happy and to be the best girlfriend ever. (oops)

Bravetoasterr7 karma

How did you manage to escape Ohio?


[deleted]2 karma

Some say I still return to it 5 times a year....

gadgetRR6 karma

I can't say that I have an eating disorder, because I don't. But I feel you on the abusive ex-boyfriend front. It's a horrible feeling to have someone treat you so badly that it emotionally scars you. I think after my ex I was low, now that I think about it. I'm 5'4" and I weighed anywhere from 90-100 lbs. I'm so sorry that it made you feel that you had to come to hurting yourself, because no one ever deserves that. I also started working out a lot in order to get into a better "shape" for that guy but I eventually broke off the relationship. Plus, I'm kind of lazy and now I only work out to stay healthy. Now I weigh 115. :) I'm really glad that you've recovered!

[deleted]6 karma

Awesome! Sometimes stress is a huge factor. Being scared and stressed doesn't exactly make one hungry.

doobie-scooo5 karma

Sometimes I see women in my city that are super skinny......look anorexic to me anyway. Is there a way, as a complete stranger, to approach them and express my concern? Or is that just totally inappropriate and possibly make the situation worse?

[deleted]10 karma

I wish someone would have said something to me. But then again, some people have cancer/other illnesses or are just naturally skinny. But a lot of times I can tell when someone really is ill. I thought about making business card with NEDA's website on it and just kind of giving it and walking away. It's a slippery slope, but if you really feel someone needs to know you care for them, I say do it. They might get offended, but it will stick.

pretty_random5 karma

Thanks for sharing. I've struggled with disordered eating for most of my life. Having a family keeps me in check now, as well as having a decent job and responsibilities in general. I still have a problem with what I'll self-diagnose as body dysmorphic disorder. I sometimes over-diet and exercise and can drop 15-20 pounds but I don't feel like I've lost anything. Other people notice but I can't see it. The same thing happens if I gain some weight, I can't really tell and I felt fat to begin with anyway. Do you have any advice for me? I'm much healthier than I've been before, this still just drives me crazy sometimes.

Thanks for your time. Congrats on your happiness!

[deleted]10 karma


I started out admitting I had BDD, but then it got worse. I totally understand about still feeling fat on either scale (no pun intended). The fact is, your mind is an asshole and plays the funhouse mirror game with you. When I was 60 pounds I still put on clothes that I though made me look skinnier. No matter what I was always fat.

It's great you have a family that supports you. I like to remind myself that a diet doesn't mean something that makes you loose weight. I say I'm on a diet for healthy living. I started taking someone grocery shopping with me and to the gym and flat out telling them what I thought in my mind all the time. The first time around I told them not to say anything. Then they gave their advice in the end.

But the worst thing is to think too much. Try to keep it from your head, as hard as it is, be distracted. Good luck!

[deleted]4 karma


[deleted]5 karma

A boyfriend losing weight is a very triggering situation. It got me very sick. Sit him down and explain your situation to him and be calm and understanding. Be firm that you need help and if he can't, I highly consider a therapist to vent to.

projecteightysix3 karma

I watched both of my older sisters go to your weight when I was about 10-11. My parents were overly-obsessed with us, we were homeschooled and not allowed out of the house or to have friends. Both my parents were extremely verbally abusive to all of us, it was pretty awful really. Seeing my sisters go through that and how much pain they were going through has definitely put a scar on my childhood. I'm so sorry you went through what you did, but just know you're beautiful, and good job staying positive!

[deleted]3 karma

Thank you. I hope you and your sisters are doing well.

fuzzyrainbow3 karma

Hey! I live in Melbourne, too! Maybe I'll see you around! Congratulations on all of the progress you've made!

[deleted]5 karma

The reddit population here seems very endangered. Almost extinct.

[deleted]2 karma


toribird2 karma

Congratulations on your recovery, and thank you for sharing your story. It's the kind of reminder and inspiration I need when I find myself falling back into old habits. Do you still find yourself slipping again? And if you do, how do you get back on track?

[deleted]3 karma

Sometimes. Humor helps. "I spent way too much time not eating awesome foods. Dammit what the hell was wrong with me food is awesome!" but it takes time to get to that point. I have a really chill boyfriend who doesn't diet and all that and doesn't care about his weight (not in a bad way) so that helps greatly. He helps by always complimenting me and hugging me. Physical affection really helps encourages me to remain on track. If I start to slip, I can feel it making me weak.

[deleted]2 karma


Viend2 karma

Do you have a cat?

[deleted]8 karma

I did. I had a super fat one named mittens that I put a picture on here to only 12 karma. She died in my arms of cancer. My parents have our 3 cats in their home.

Viend6 karma

Aww =(

She has 14 karma now.

And goddamn, she was fat.

[deleted]5 karma

=D She was my little fuzzy lump.